touch down

The flight home today was supposed to be at 3.50, but then my roommate would like to rush home on the earliest flight we could get, so I went along with her, but not until after lunch. Lagipun penganjur dah berpesan, makan dulu sebelum check out.

The course was funny.

Monday, you fly in, check-in and were supposed to attend a housekeeping briefing at 8pm. But after dinner, that was canceled.

Tuesday, we were supposed to have a whole full day of slots followed by a workshop in the evening. But that was canceled too. So we had the morning slots as usual, which we sped through like nobody's business, and then the afternoon slots and evening workshop was canceled.

That was great news for us, really. And the organizer admitted this morning that it's all right because everything is in the module and we're called in for the course so that we would be given some breather before we embark on this adventure. But the problem is, we were both dreading the fact that there would be one whole afternoon AND evening of free time when someone we both knew from way back when we first started off in this job as an avid salesperson.

This person can sell things like no one can. And she will dog you until you relent and take her goods and part with your money just to shut her up. I myself had to buy foundation I didn't need and a whole set of make up brush I already had! They cost me a bomb way back then when I first started out, but I paid up anyway because she wouldn't stop calling me at home, at work. She scared me into buying those things, I tell you!

On Monday night, we met her at the dinner table. We thought she would be different, since it has been 6 years since we last met her. Surely, she would have changed!

So when she offered us a ride to the mall (my roommate had to get some stuff for her kids and I myself had to get some basmathi rice for our coming open house since there is none in Lawas) said okay. We really could have taken the taxi. We really should have!

That night, I started having the coughs again. Knowing that she might weasel her way into our room tonight to sell her wares (she had started touting her magnificent magnetic health bracelet on the way to the mall! *shiver*shiver*) that night after the mall visit, I maxed up the coughing and even threw in "Oh! I think I am gonna die, tonight, with all this coughing."

That was enough to scare her into not coming to our room that night. In all seriousness, I was getting a little sick; with my nose running and the coughing starting to sound scarily pleghmatic (is that even a word?) and all I wanted to do was take my med, pump my lungs with the inhaler and go to sleep.

But that Tuesday, she's already asked s if we were going anywhere that afternoon. We said we were gonna go to another mall cuz the things we were looking for weren't at the mall we went the night before. Actually, we spent the hot afternoon taking a long nap.

Malam tu, hukuman Tuhan, kami tak dapat tido sampai kul 2 am! Huhuhuhu!

Then malam tu, baru kami cadang nak keluar. Petang tu panas sangat and I hate the heat anyway. Better keluar malam kan?

Pergi dinner, then terus ambil teksi pergi Boulevard. Kul 10 baru balik ke bilik. Alhamdulillah, tak ada dia ganggu malam tu.

Rupanya esok paginya dia kata dia call kami malam tadi tapi takde orang angkat. Kami cakap la kami pergi Boulevard. Memang pun.

Hari ni lepas course, dia kata nak datang ke bilik nak jual barang. .AMIK KO! Dia terus cakap! Mak nak pengsan.

Then mak cakap, "Ala kak... kami nak kemas barang, then nak lunch, and terus ke airport."
Dia buat tak paham je.

True enough, while I was in the toilet buat business, tetiba pintu diketuk. Bertalu-talu. Mak dah kaget dah. I heard my roommate on the phone with her hubby, terus senyap. Then dah lama pintu kena ketuk, takde plak dia bagi salam ke apa ke. Tak lama lepas tu, phone bilik berbunyi. Nak kata housekeeping, iron and board dah pulang kan! Memang sah dia. I told my roommate offkan my cellphone.

Lepas tu kami lepak dua orang dalam bilik, dah siap kemas and tukar pakaian, borak sampai kul 12, terus turun lunch. Kat lunch tu dia buat-buat tak nampak dengan kami, kami pun buat yang sama kat dia. Dah habis makan, terus kami ambil teksi ke airport.

Memang aku and roommate aku tu nampak jahat dalam cerita kali ni. Tapi daripada aku sabar-sabar and tetiba meletup keluar benda tah hapa-hapa dari mulut aku yang insured for a million pounds sterling ni, kut dia kecik hati sampai mati. So in order to avoid this incident daripada jadi out of proportions, baikla aku and roommate aku buat camtu kat dia. Dia pun tak malu kat kami, kami pun tak terucap benda puaka kat dia, just because dah mati akal nak menangkis serangan jualan dia yang padu tu. We know her so well, my dear. Don't go judging us.

Kat airport, dapat flight awal sikit and Alhamdulillah, rezeki kawan aku kut, kami tak perlu kena charge. Terus naik flight kul 2.25.

While we were flying over Brunei, hujan lebat. Memang la twin otter tu naik naik turun, naik naik turun. Dah la kawan aku kat belakang tu muntah-muntah, kesian. Tapi aku tak dapat nak tolong, sempit. And aku pun tak la kecik kan? Lagipun dia ada kawan kat sebelah dia tending to her.

Tapi my roommate dah terpaut-paut kat me, so I took her hand and sauk kan in the crook of my arm, and dia put paut la kuat-kuat dengan dua tangan dia. Hai, terasa macam real mommy plak. Bila dah keluar dari area hujan tu, flight pun stabil balik and we touched down in Lawas safe and sound. I was not worried. I trust in God, lagi pun I knew that there were stories of even worse weather. Tadi tu just a little bit jer.

Bella, I can't open your blog. I guess you moved. I hope you'll let me read your blog again soon. Tapi if not, thank you for the pleasure thus far. Do take care and I wish you all the best.

Anyway, nak pergi makan tomyam. Still on the steroids and it gives me the runs!

Good night ya'll!

Ame

I said I was gonna post photos of someone I was supposed to meet up with at the airport masa nak balik ke West Malaysia for Raya kan? Ha, inilah dia.

Siapa adik yang cumil ini?



My dear friend from back in Uni, Nat. I used to ride my brother's superbike to her place pick her up and we'd go to class together. We were even in a superbike accident together and she was so proud of her battle scar, she showed it off to our friends at the final dinner party back in '99. She is one cool chick with a PADI scuba diver's certificate and a whole lot of other talents I am not gonna be able to tell ya'll here about.




Ame just going along with my antics.
This boy, I knew him way back when he was a baby. Then something happened along the way, we just decided not to contact each other until a recent death in the family brought our paths together. Glad that history did not affect our relationship that was put on hold for years afterwards. He is the same sweet little boy who used to germinate peas in wet cotton wool in plastic cups back then.




There I was in my 4-inch heels and he is still 4 inches taller than I am. Dayum!

my new nephew

Introducing, adik Lalan.

Haha, that's not his real name. His name is a little nicer than that. That's just what his older brother is calling and we're all calling him that too just for the fun of it.

He's got that pout, for a reason we don't really know. But I managed to recreate it by tickling his chin with my forefinger, and that pout just comes on.

Well, this photo was way back when he hasn't learned to walk yet. He's running now. I didn't have a blog then. I do now.

Here, we were driving back from Jalan TAR after a little shopping and he was gracious enough to sit with me up front. So, apa lagi, I just whipped out my cellphone camera (masa tu belum beli digital camera lagi) and snapped away. You won't believe banyak mana photos of him I took during that ride so I can have tiny pieces of him with me bila balik ke Lawas semula.

He may look sombong, but when he smiles, he has the warmest smile there is.

I just think he is adorable.

But I still adore his older brother just the same.

Mula-mula check dulu... lepas tu... GIGIT.

pretty moth

I don't know the species of this moth. I think it is a moth, cuz it does not look like a butterfly. How can I tell? I don't know, am no butterfly doctor, I just think. Taken 3 years ago, I think, on the way to the car at Kak Wana's place in Merapok. It was just there lying on the pavement ready for flight, but it didn't as I took pictures of it.

Simply, pretty.

mimi and me

My favorite photo with Mimi' so far. That looks so much like a bored face, but I am hoping that it's actually her sleepy, half-way snooze look.

Don't give me that attitude...

kitty photos

Enough whining.

Here are photos of my kitties, past and present, and some random butterfly too.

This is my current pet cat. Her name is Mimi'. C named her, sort of. I just went along with it cuz I am not big on giving names to my pets. Mimi' rides in the car a lot. She hates it and would make a whole load of noise. Most of the time the rides are just necessary to get her to the vet or caretaker. Selalu juga la kena ketuk paler sebab bising sangat. Macam orang nak hantar pergi mam pulak.




These are Smelly and Tiger the night after they were neutered and spayed. The tranquilizer was still working, they could hardly move. Tiger, the always lovable gay cat just can't get his paws off of Smelly. Smelly is the whitish, almost sable one. She's blue-eyed and she was named Smelly cuz when W and I found her, she was ridden with worms and she kept farting.
And did she reek!




Tiger during his last few weeks of life.




The one on top, has no name. But Tiger was fast friends with him. For obvious reasons. I have another photo of them so cuddly together, but I can't seem to find it.





Patriotic Kitty.
On the ferry to Labuan last year.




Regal kitty.
She was Smelly when she was sick, but she grew into a quite pleasant smelling cat when she lost the worms after the visit to the vet. Of course, she was too pretty for her own good, we lost her after a few months. I hope she is doing okay with her new kidnapper family.




Mimi' readies herself for a lunge, I barely had time for this shot.



I love watching her sleep.




More snooze photos.



And some more...



And a little more...




One of her awake...




Some of her playing with my hand...




Still mamai...




Acting cute (which she is good at) in my laptop case.




She just has to do the 'touch the face with the paws and flip' act when she notices that either me or C were busy taking photos of her sleeping.




Kat situ pun bleh tido...




In C's seat while on the ferry to Labuan last year.

She is not a pedigree or anything, but she is a part of our lives. C loved her to bits. Always the one feeding her first in the morning and when we get back from school. And always the one calling her signature "Mimi' bodhoh, Mimi bodhoh, tak cekolah!" when she opens the door to Mimi's delight. Hey I don't care if it sounds cruel to you, it was adorable to us.

well again

By the time I post this entry, I would be at home, showered, cleaned and dressed in something comfortable and probably tengah menjalar in my living room.

Tapi masa I taip ni, memang I am in my office.

Apa nak komplen hari ni? Opisku panas.

Kenapa panas? Sebab ada masalah wiring, so bila je aku onkan ac ku inniew, ianya akan mengakibatkan seluruh Bangunan Pentadbiran ini mengalami back-out. Dah beberapa kali berlaku, aku tak sanggup buat lagi sebab nanti habis pulak rosak komputer-komputer dalam bangunan ni gara-gara aku tak tahan panas.

Waran tiket ke Miri dah Ara siapkan. Tunggu nak pergi ambil je petang ni. Huhuhu. Dan aku pun dah semakin pulih daripada penyakit kali ini. Thanks to the steroids I am on at the moment. I wonder if it does anything to my energy levels, because it is doing wonders. Hari ni dengan suara serak-serak seksi-meksi dek hidung tersumbat dah batuk keterlaluan, aku dapat lagi menghamput beberapa orang budak lelaki yang tak reti nak keep their shirts tucked in. And aku sempat cari budak escape kat area kedai. Dapat sorang. Lagi tiga aku akan bunuh esok. Come on, when I said bunuh, takkan you all sangka I will literally kill them with my bare hands. When I said bunuh, it is just a hyperbole yang menunjukkan bahawa aku akan kerjakan mereka cukup-cukup bila mereka datang ke sekolah nanti. Kalau bukan aku yang nak meleterkan mereka ke jalan kebenaran, siapa lagi? Memang la Guru Disiplin punya kerja, tapi kalau Guru Disiplin buat senyum kambing je bila aku bukak cerita pelaksanaan disiplin kat sekolah ni, takkan aku nak biarkan je pulak, kan? Aku turun padang la sesekali.

Lagipun dah dekat dengan waktu cuti penggal ke-tiga ni, aku tak salahkan sesiapa kalau orang dah masuk mood cuti. Korang pun jangan salahkan mereka tau? Sebab kalau korang menghadap kerenah 500 orang pelajar yang pelbagai yang kebanyakkannya menyakitkan kepala selama lebih 250 hari persekolahan setiap tahun, korang pun akan rasa macam tu bila dah dekat time nak cuti panjang; sebab masa tu korang dapat menumpukan perhatian kepada keluarga tercinta, orang tersayang, percutian di destinasi idaman, minat dan hobi yang telah lama terkandas atau sekadar bermalas-malasan di rumah... apa saja yang dapat menjadi terapi untuk menyediakan diri untuk menghadapi tahun persekolahan yang seterusnya.

Aku? Kalau bercuti, banyak masa aku habiskan di rumah je. Dengan ibu, adik dan anak angkat tu. Hujung minggu, meriahlah sikit sebab ada abang balik bawak family dia, dan anak-anak buah aku lagi 2 orang tu memang tengah ligat buat nakal. Kalau ada masa aku bawa mak and adik jalan-jalan ke luar. Tapi banyak masanya, adik aku yang sibuk ajak berjalan sebab waktu cuti dia bukan ikut time Malaysia. So sesekali dapat bercuti, memang dialah yang beriya-iya mengajak aku pergi ke mana-mana. Kawan-kawan ada mengajak. Tapi selalu aku beri alasan macam-macam sebab malas nak berdress up dan keluar berpoya-poya dengan mereka sedangkan mata ni sebenarnya asyik nak tidur kat rumah je. Wahahahaha... aku memang kai tido. Kalau takde aktiviti nak meninggalkan rumah tu, takdenya aku nak berinisiatif sendiri nak pergi mana-mananya deh. Adakah aku kera sumbang? Maybe.

Padahalnya aku memang rindu kat kengkawan U dulu. Tapi aku rapat dengan sesetengahnya je. Tapi dengan mereka pun aku susah sangat nak bersua muka. Maklumlah, semuanya dah berkerjaya. Dan aku rasa hanya aku je yang masih jadi cikgu sekolah. Yang lain dah jadi pensyarah, penolong pengarah, ahli perniagaan dan sebagainya. Aku tak iri. Aku suka jadi cikgu, kan banyak cuti? Huahahaha... tapi bila difikirkan soalan cepu mas yang bakal disoal, seperti ”What’s new...?” Takkan aku nak dok jawab, ”Same old, same old?” manjang. Sebab memang takdek perbendernya yang aku nak ceritakan pung. Takkan aku nak buat-buat cerita lak, kan?

Tapi masa Bella ajak tu memang tak berapa sihat la. Lagipun masa tu masih di Tampin, kat umah uncle. By the time sampai kat rumah, aku dah tenat. Nak lunch date kehapanya, kan? Nak menyebar germs je jawabnya kalau aku menggatal kata nak nak nak.

Takpa, cuti sekolah penggal ke-tiga, aku dah diberi lampu hijau untuk cuti lebih lama dari tahun lepas oleh Pengetua. So, insyaAllah, I will make a better effort at catching up with me friends, especially J dan Bella. Aku rindu kat J, dah lama tak jumpa dia and menganyam ketupat dengan dia, bak kata Bella. Kalau aku jumpa Bella, aku nak bualkan tentang apa? Her circle of friends is totally different from mine. And frankly speaking, kalau ye la jumpa si Bella ni, dialah manusia kedua yang aku jumpa face-to-face yang mulanya kenal di internet. Kuno sangat ke aku? Well, let’s just say that I go to the internet for different reasons than she did. Oh my! Seswatu sangat! Ramai yang ajak jumpa. Tapi kebanyakkannya creepy je. So aku malas entertain ajakan berbau danger macam tu. Jadi takdelah berjumpa dengan sesiapa pung dari internet selama ini. Mak selamat, jiwa pun tenteram. Hiks!

Gigihnya aku berentry hari ni. Apsal ek? Adakah steroid ini yang telah membuatkan aku begini atau aku memang dah bebetul sihat? Apa-apa pun aku sangat gumbira hari ini sebab I am definitely feeling way better than I did on Monday. No, I am not whining. I am writing these things about me being sick, so that one day when I read these entries again, I would know that I am indeed not invincible, the way I feel most of the time when I am healthy.

Hes hes hes.

senang jadi cikgu kalau...

Ada seorang pakcik berbangsa Tiong Hua yang aku kenali dalam aktiviti anjuran Kementerian Belia dan Sukan yang aku sertai, dia bercerita kepada aku tentang anak buahnya yang juga seorang guru di sebuah sekolah di tengah Sarawak. Katanya, setiap kali berjumpa ketika bercuti, anak buahnya sering bercerita tentang perasaan kecewa dan tidak puas hati tentang profession yang diceburinya itu. Pakcik tu berpesan kepada anak buahnya, sebagai guru, tanggungjawabmu ialah mengajar. Habiskan saja sukatan tahunan, sama ada mereka pandai atau tidak, itu terpulang kepada usaha dan kehendak pelajar itu sendiri. Ketika itu kau telah pun melunaskan tanggungjawabmu terhadap tugas dan Kementerian.

Alangkah indahnya jika itu adalah sikap yang boleh aku amalkan tanpa timbul rasa bersalah. Dan aku rasa, anak buah dia pun kurang bersetuju dengan pendapat dia.

Guru bukan malaikat. Guru manusia biasa yang rela menghabiskan usianya mengajar anak bangsa. Ada juga di kalangan golongan ini yang dianugerahkan Tuhan dengan kerajinan, dedikasi dan bakat yang amat sesuai dengan kerjayanya di bidang ini yang menjadikan dia setaraf dengan ’miracle workers’. Ada masanya pengorbanan yang dia buat untuk anak-anak didiknya dibalas dengan kejayaan. Walaupun tak ada ucapan terima kasih diiringi titsan air mata dan rangkulan erat anak murid itu, guru itu tetap merasa puas, jika segala kesakitan dan kepayahan yang dia rasakan selama ini membuahkan hasil. Tapi adakalanya sesetengah guru tak mampu untuk mewujudkan the sense of wonderment dalam jiwa anak didiknya, akan bagaimana indahnya ilmu yang ditimba jika ianya dapat diguna pakai dalam kehidupan seharian. Yang mampu dibuatnya ialah menghambur semula ilmu yang telah ditelan sejak dia sendiri masih dibangku sekolah lagi. Kalau baik anak didiknya, mungkin dia ikhlas. Tapi kalau anak-anak didik yang dihadapinya setiap hari hanya baik sedikit je dari Jin Ifrit, aku tak salahkan dia jika dia mengajar dengan rasa tidak ikhlas. Jika dia rasa dia tidak dihargai. Jika dia rasa tak bersalah kalau anak-anak ini gagal di hari muka kelak. Ada sesiapa yang baca blog ini boleh terus bersikap mulia lagi murni jika setiap hari dikeji dihina dilawan diancam dikutuk? Ada sesiapa yang baca blog ini yang boleh terus bersikap penuh kasih dan simpati terhadap makhluk-makhluk bergelar manusia ini jika setiap hari disajikan jamuan yang menyakitkan mata, telinga dan hati?

Aku bukan menulis entry ini untuk menyokong mana-mana pihak dalam apa jua tindakan mereka. Aku cuma nak bagitau, bahawa, agak sukar bagi aku untuk mengamalkan sikap blase macam yang disarankan oleh pakcik tu.

Bukan aku nak kata I am one of the miracle workers. No matter how hard I do my job, aku belum lagi dapat menghasilkan 100% passes in my subject. Jauh lagi perjalanan aku di sekolah ini. Aku nak bagitau, susah untuk aku dan guru-guru ini hanya sekadar mengajar melunaskan sukatan. Sebab walaupun sakit, hati ini tak sampai untuk membiarkan anak-anak ini kekal tak diajar tentang adab. Di situ jugalah masalahnya bermula.

Dan aku juga nak bagitau, ada di kalangan guru di sekolah ini yang benar-benar mampu menghasilkan anak didik yang berjaya dalam subjek yang diajarnya. Tapi sayang, tak lama lagi dia pasti akan berpindah kembali ke kampung halamannya. Memang aku lihat borang permohonan pindahnya di meja kerani sekolah ku saban tahun. Tak siapa pun yang dapat bertahan lama di sekolah ini. Terlalu terpencil. Terlalu jauh dari kampung halaman, yang rata-rata gurunya datang dari segenap pelusuk tanahair. Setahun dua, tiga, empat, sudah pasti hati bagai direnggut-renggut untuk pulang ke kampung halaman masing-masing untuk kembali menikmati kemewahan dan kebebasan hidup yang telah biasa dikecapi selama ini, yang tergendala selama mencurah bakti di kampung ini.

Aku bertuah, dengan saiz badan dan amalan ’tough love’ yang aku gunakan dengan anak-anak aku di sini, sedikit sebanyak dapat merapatkan aku dengan mereka, jadi aku jarang menghadapi masalah anak murid biadab dalam sessi P&P, seperti yang dihadapi oleh segelintir guru di sekolah ini. Manakala yang selebihnya, mungkin dah mula mengamalkan saranan pakcik tu tadi. Kereta tak calar, kepala tak sakit. Siapa yang nak cari nahas, kan?

Aku sayang kampung ini dan orang-orangnya. Aku sayang pengalaman pahit manis aku kecapi dengan rakan-rakan, anak-anak dan orang kampung selama ini. Aku pasti, apabila tiba masa aku melangkah pergi air mata pastikan berlinangan membasahi pipi. Tapi apakan daya? Sebagaimana kasihnya aku terhadap kampung ini dan isinya, suatu hari nanti aku pasti akan meninggalkannya dan kembali ke pekan di pinggir ibu kota yang ku gelar kampung halaman.

Tatkala saat itu tiba, pasti adakah hati yang akan diruntun hiba akan perginya aku selama-lamanya setelah sekian lama bergaul dengan penduduk sekampung? Akan adakah yang masih mengingati diri ini, cacat cela serta istimewanya jika ada, setelah aku pergi? Akan adakah yang akan mengingati cikgu tomboy yang sayangkan anak-anak sekolah ni macam anak sendiri?

Setibanya aku di sini lebih lapan tahun yang lalu, aku tahu aku pasti temui kedamaian di ceruk dunia ini. Kedamaian dan kebebasan dah aku kecapi. Semahu-mahunya. Kini tiba masa untuk kembali ke pangkuan bonda, untuk mengabdikan diri kepadanya sepertimana dia telah lakukan ketika aku masih kecil. Tidak ku menyangka, walaupun saat itu masih agak jauh untuk ku amati, namun hanya sekadar membayangkannya saja sudah memadai untuk memecahkan empangan hati ini.

Berapa lama akan ku ratapi kehilangan yang bakal aku hadapi ini?

Dan apabila aku sudah melontar diriku jauh ke hadapan, untuk menghadapi hidup baru di sana nanti, adakah aku akan menyesali keputusanku?

Wajah-wajah ini akan kekal di dalam jiwa. Tebing sungainya, ketam udang hadiah muridku, mempelam mangga manis bersari menuruni siku, beras dibajai titik peluh ibu angkat ku putih gebu, kaki langitnya tiada penghujung, biru angkasa sedalam lautan, awan gemawan berarak lesu, sawah padi terbentang luas, sungai mengalir jernih menyuci diri, jalanraya pintu kebebasan seolah tiada sempadan, deruan ombak, pasir nan halus di celah jemari kaki, bayu laut manja menyisir rambutku membisikkan kerinduan ibu di telinga ku. Itu semua pasti akan ku tinggalkan. Dan saat itu kini kurasakan amat hampir. Bila tiba masanya adakah aku akan bersedia melambai sanak-saudara angkat dan rakan-rakan yang ku anggap keluarga selama aku di perantauan? Pergi ku yang tak mungkin kembali?

Aku bukan anak jatinya. Jatiku di seberang sana. Sayang dan kasih akan desa ini terus menambat, tapi hati ku mula gelisah. Gelisah ini tiada yang menerangkan. Mungkin doa ibu mula makbul, agar anaknya ini kembali ke pangkuannya. Ibu tidak berdosa merampasku dari semua ini. Memang niatku untuk kembali tanpa kuketahui bila saat dan ketikanya. Kini Yang Maha Esa yang akan memutuskan buat diriku.

Relakah aku akan ketentuan ini? Pasti.

p/s : Bukan niatku mencuba kemampuan berbahasa puitis. Aku ingin merekodkan gelodak jiwa akan keputusan aku hari ini dalam lembaran hari ini dengan sebaik mungkin, agar suatu hari nanti, bila aku kembali ke sini, aku tahu betapa dalamnya cintaku akan desa ini.

pettiness galore

Frankly speaking, Lawas has lost its hold on me. I am not saying that the locals are not as friendly or not as giving. They never cease to surprise me. But there are other aspects of my life that has changed for the worse.

Lately, I am feeling lonely. Lonelier than I have ever been.

At 31, one would think that a woman would be looking for ways to live her life to the fullest. She is over the years spent worrying about how she looked and what other people think of her. She should have learned by now not to take the shitty things in life too seriously. She should also have learned a lot of other things.

In my heart, I don’t feel older than 20, but my confidence have soared higher and higher since I was 20. I was not the young and naïve and the one who is always worried that she might have done something wrong when someone calls her for an immediate meeting. I am not afraid of not much anymore.

I think I am at the stage of my life where I have that ‘the devil may care’ attitude clearly stamped on my forehead. I do feel that way.

But I can’t help feeling bogged down by petty things in life like the shitty things people say or do about me behind my back. Suddenly, I find myself returning to being that 15 year old miserable girl stuck in a school she hated. That was more than 15 years ago, and that is a long time for anyone to convince herself that nothing is this world would take away the freedom and confidence that she had rightly earned on her own.

Why does it matter so much, what people say about you behind your back? Would it be any better if you’re always there, ready to stamp the life out of any person who dares to say anything bad about you? Wouldn’t it be better to just let these loose toilet mouthed people to roam free while I simply do my thing to prove her wrong?

I believe that God is just. It might take a long while before it takes effect, but it is worth the wait.

Besides, if that person drinks from your pretty stemmed glass and all she did was wipe the brim off with a tissue paper before placing it back in the glass container on the dining table with her finger prints all over it, thinking that no one would notice, I don’t think she should be any one you should consider feeling intimidated by at all.

Because that is what she is, lazy and petty.

streroids

Well, hey whaddayaknow?

I was feeling shitty this morning, just wishing I could just slump on the ground and get swallowed up and never come back. I was wheezing and coughing my way to school. Then there was school. It might have been the cough medication, but then, who knew, I felt disoriented. Really wished I was back in bed, all snug and comfortable under the covers.

Then I went to see Doctor Chong again this afternoon like he had instructed me to. He gave me another check up and another 20 minutes or so on the nebulizer thing. He also put me on steroids. I have never been on any kind of steroids before and I am pretty vague on what does steroid has to do with asthma. I can do some reading on that later on. But hey, I am on steroids and I am feeling better! Way better than I did on Monday.

I don't think I am gonna sprout a healthy moustache or balls for that matter. Or would I? That should be fun.... hur hur hur hur....

I am happy that I will be okay again soon. I hate turning up for work like a dead corspe. I hate scaring people at work with my DB look. Really. But then when you are feeling under the weather, I don't feel like making any effort to look good. Which is normal, don't you think? Anyhoo, that was this morning. I am glad I am getting better sooner than I thought I would because I will be flying to Miri on Monday and what scares me most is the part where I will be spending a lot of time in air-conditioned room. I love it when the ac is turned on the lowest temperature. Tapi semenjak kena semput ni, I am a little scared. That I might be spending the night coughing and wheezing again. Mengacau tidur my room mate pulak nanti.

I have been good. No iced water or any kind of iced beverage and I have been sleeping with the fan on the lowest setting as far away from the bed I could place it, oscillating.

I do hope this goes away very soon. I know sickness is God's way of cleansing one from little sins. I am grateful for that, but I do need to get back on track so I can do my job again and for once, I can answer my phone with a clear nose and not worry my mom any longer.

I don't think anyone likes seeing a pale ghost roaming the school corridors anyway.

p/s: J, I just miss reading your entries. Take your time, baybeh!

pindah

I know why God made me sick.

Oh no, don't get me wrong. I am not angry with Him and I am not pointing my finger up into the sky demanding an explanation. I have pretty much accepted this fact about myself.

Another day spent convalescing in bed. Taking pills and antibiotics and puffs of the inhaler. And I also imagine how it would be like if I had this in 30 years time; when I am much older and have no one around to take care of me. That's how my mom feels like. What better way to make me understand that by making me feel exactly the way she feels?

So, I will go home. Transfer back home. Soon. But I will go for another 2 years before doing that. I have things to settle. Debts to pay. Lepas tu I will go home and stay with mom. So she will have someone by her side all the time. It is high time I go home and take care of her. The last thing I want her to feel was being abandoned. That was not my plan at all. I thought staying away would make things easier for the both of us. Tapi I never thought how that also made her feel abandoned. She never said it. But now I know how she feels. Nothing she had done in the past grants her such treatment from anyone, least of all me.

Siapa tahu berapa lama lagi usia ibu? I might not have that long a time to make up for lost times. I didn't have the chance to make up lost time with dad. I don't wanna make the same mistake with mom. I have enough guilt to last me a life time.

InsyaAllah. When everything is in order, I will apply for that transfer. We'll be a whole family again. Please God, help me in this.

Amin....

ampus

I was in perfect health when I flew back to KL the Thursday before Eid. But when I got there, everyone in the family was either coughing or wheezing. I guess I already knew I was gonna get sick too eventually, with all the sickness that was going on.

Sure enough, the following Sunday, I started feeling unwell. I started coughing. That's how I always get sick since I have been having tonsilitis ever since I can remember. I thought it would just go away. Although my tonsilitis never 'goes away' just like that before, not without a visit to the doctor, I didn't feel like it was a big deal. My brother thought I was just having the coughs. So he suggested I get some lozenges for the cough. My throat had begun to feel raw from all the coughing and I was already coughing up some blood by then. It grew worse, until Wednesday, I felt sorry that my being sick had caused everyone to be stuck in the house, so I suggested that we all go to Tampin that morning. Bukan nak spread germs. Tapi because kami memang mesti pergi Tampin kalau Raya cuz itu rumah my uncle (my mom's older brother) yang wajib we all visit time Raya. So we all pergi la. Malam Rabu tak dapat tidur langsung cuz I was coughing and wheezing so much and had so much mucus throughout the night, asyik kena pergi bathroom to get rid of it. And I my coughs have started feeling more chesty than it was before and I can feel my lungs 'gurgling' with moisture every I cough and wheeze for air.

The next day, I went to the clinic with my sister. The doctor buat cam biasa je. He gave me some meds and gave a a spray or two up my nose with a nasal spray. That cleared up my breathing. Selama ni I thought nasal spray tu painful, rupanya idak. Then I also mintak to be injected so cepat sikit sembuh.

Anyway, I went back, and started on the meds. Balik dari Tampin, sampai Sabtu, ubat and antibiotics dah habis, tapi tak tunjukkan tanda-tanda akan sembuh. Malahan jadi tambah teruk adalah. My momcould hear the noise my chest was making and she suggested I postpone my going back to Lawas and pergi masuk wad. I thought about it, maybe that is a good idea because I don't remember being in such a bad shape before.

Tapi then I remembered that ada 3 orang kawan sekolah nak tumpang balik sama in my car from KK. If I do that, they would be stranded in KK for a day before taking the bus on Monday.
Kerana itu je, I had to trash that idea. Lagipun my mom said, takpelah balik sekarang. Sakit pun, boleh pergi jumpa doktor kat sana nanti, at least ada kawan nak balik sekali, tak la driving sorang.

I didn't know how bad it was. I coughed in the plane. I covered my face when I cough cuz tak nak menakutkan penumpang lain. It was so bad. Nasib baik, I sat at the back sekali. So tak la sesiapa yang berani nak menoleh ke belakang mencari orang yang batuk macam nak mam tu...

Sampai kat airport, I jumpa budak bertiga tu, berlawak-lawak. Lapar, I manaaged to have one piece of chicken wing from KFC. Lepas tu hantar Z pergi cuci wedding pics dia and then terus drive ke Lawas.

This morning, I went to school. Sebelum cuti Raya, I left my question paper dengan printer person tu. Dia janji nak tolong staplekan. So to make sure that it was done, I went to school. Dapatlah hantar si Z ke sekolah sekali. Lepas tengok question paper in order, I gave it to Z since she was the one yang patutnya masuk first jaga exam masa tu, then I drove back to town.

Sepanjang jalan balik tu, I dozed off a few times. My dar dah masuk kat area berumput on the bahu jalan atau dah melalut ke tengah jalan baru I tersedar. Bukan doze off sikit-sikit. Terlena terus. I still drove on sebab I know if I stopped pun, bukan I nak tidur pun nanti. Mesti wide awake dibuatnya. Sampai kat Lawas, I terus park kat depan klinik doktor Chong walaupun 45 minutes awal. I tidur je dalam kereta, sebab kalau balik nanti mesti tak larat nak keluar lagi.

10 minutes ebelum kul 8, I masuk and duduk kat lobby klinik. Bila masuk, doktor tu ask usual questions and then ask me to go to the next room and put me on the neb machine for 10 minutes. Barulah I could breathe normally again and my chest pun tak terasa penuh dengan
kahak sangat.

I tak mintak pun, tapi dia bagi MC 2 hari and for medication, dia bagi Ventolin inhaler, ubat batuk, paracetamol and antibiotics. Dia kata I kena semput. What is the proper medical term for semput? Asthma? Do people get asthma later in life? I don't remember ever having asthma.

I senang dengan doktor Chong daripada pergi hospital kerajaan, sebab ubat Hospital Kerajaan tak berkesan on me. Dari kecik pun memang my mom took me to private clinic kalau I demam. Lagipun kalau I sakit, doktor Chong tak akan tuduh I am trying to get free MC macam doktor kat Poliklinik kat pekan tu. Kepala hotak dia. Ingat aku macam tu ke? Memang perempuan tu babi. Aku sakit ni, dia kata aku pura-pura. Lagipun dulu aku pernah main tennis sama time sebelah court dengan doktor Chong. Kira kenal la juga. Kawan-kawan dia pun kenal aku juga.

Balik tadi, aku beli nasi goreng tapau, lepas makan, aku amik ubat and tidur je most part of the day. Aku dah call boss. Kesian dia. Kak Liza takde plak minggu ni. Dia ke Kuching, ada kursus PK1. Esok aku cuti lagi.

Malam ni aku masih batuk lagi. Tapi tak sesakit atau sedahsyat minggu lepas.

My mom tak berhenti-henti call to see how I am doing. She must be worried. Kesian my mom. I hope she knows that there is more to me than the anak manja that she thought I was. I will be okay so she will be okay.

So now I have asthma to add to my health record. I wish I could turn back time and took better care. Tapi dah terlambat. But this is not a death sentence. I just have to find a clever way around it, right?

Thanks Bella, for the pointers. I didn't get around to getting the Tussils. Tapi now I am feeling better from the inhaler and ubat batuk. Tekak pun tak rasa sakit macam hari tu.

Harap-harap esok I will be much better.

hair

Esok nak jalan, aku macam biasalah, susah nak tido. TV lak citer An American Haunting, dengan aku dok seng sorang. Nasib baik citer antu omputeh ni tak seseram citer antu Jepun ke, Korea ke Siam ke.

Aku mengantuk dah ni, kejap lagi nak tido.

Tadi petang, balik sekolah, mak pergi potong rambut. Huhu. Macam biasalah, this guy pun nak suruh I luruskan rambut. Rebonding. Haiyoh! Seb baik dia baik. So I explained to him, I pernah bat rebonding masa kat U dulu, and I was not happy with the results. My hair jadi ramrod straight, lifeless. Other than the fact it made me feel ordinary like the run of the mill supermodel wannabes, it also made my face look like the full moon. It took ages to grow back to its natural curls, so I swore to myself that I will never ever do the rebonding technique again.

I just need the blow drier to make it wavy. I do not want ramrod straight hair that looks like plastic. Oh, I think Bella's hair is gorgeous. Me loikey. Me loikey big time. Nak rambut cam Bella la. Tapi since curly hair is finer than straight hair, it tends to fly all over the place if it is not tied down. That's why I hardly leave my hair down. It would usually be up in a pony tail or when it was longer, in a tight bun. I really don't know what kind of product I should use to take the fly aways.

Well, Bernard (the hair stylist) was good at cutting hair. He's worked in KL for a few years before returning to Lawas to open his own salon. One thing I am curious, why do people call the hair places they go to as saloons rather than salons? I thought saloons are supposed to be bars in Western movies. And the funniest thing, even the most stylish and up-to-date person pun still say "I nak pergi saloon petang ni." Nak minum whiskey ke apa?

Anyway, he was good with the styling. I asked him not to go too short cuz I'd still wanna be able to tie my hair up when I am messy at home. But not too long that it would way down the look. Then he 'curi' sikit dalam tu so nipis sikit. I asked him not to go too thin, cuz then my face will look worse. Then he blew dry it and I was pretty happy with it. But then when there is moisture, of course it will revert to the curls. Takpelah, mak tak kisah.

Apalah citer pasal rambut. Macam bagus sangat la cerita rambut aku ni. Yela kan, mak jakun hal-hal macam ni. I used to be a tomboy with a mile-long hair. Now that dah pendek ni, excited la nak macam-macam. Gattey je.

Dik Bella, I am doing OK now. Tak sakit perut lagi. Dah minum sebanyak mungkin air. Thank you for your concern. :)

Esok, I balik, flight kul 8.05. Will be there sampai the October 21st. Rasa sekejap je. Tapi takpe, sebulan lepas tu cuti akhir tahun plak. My principal kata no problem kalau I nak balik lama sikit kali ni, memandangkan I only had 2 weeks last year.

Anyway, dah habis dah movie tadi. I won't be online masa kat my mom's place. I will update as soon as I get back.

Love ya'll. Muah muah!

semalam

Semalam;

Mak pergi balik sekolah lepas pergi umah pakcik B, sampai Lawas kul 4. Mak gi Bank1, tanya dia ada duit RM5 and RM1 tak mak nak pecah. Dia kata tunggu kejap. Mak tunggu la. Lama betul. Itu pun dia tak pasti ada lagi ke tak. Last-last mak tukar duit RM5 dengan taukeh petrol pump yang datang nak masukkan duit pendapatan dia hari ni je. Ala, mak kenal taukeh tu sebab dia adik ipar landlady mak. Then I went to Bank2 and clearkan kereta. Sambil tu I asked them, (kamcing la sket-sket dengan diorang kat bank tu) kalau mereka ada duit singgit-singgit yang baru. Ada... Oh, mak sungguh gumbira. Then mak pergi Bazaar Ramadhan. Beli kuih lebih sikit hari ni walaupun sorang, sebab mak nak bawak ke rumah pakcik B pulak malam ni. Mak nak pergi tengok baby properly. Then mak pergi supermarket beli buah tangan untuk new baby. Then mak balik. Malam ni I masak.... Sardin cap Ayam! Hamik kau. Mentang-mentang kau ni Mak Ayam gred A, makan pun mesti nak yang ada cap Ayam juga kah? Mak beli kat supermarket tadi sebab mak dah lamaaaa tak makan mackerel tu padahalnya memang one of my favorite things to have. Masak dengan tahap pedas dan masin dan masam yang tinggi (hosmet dan semua yang pernah tinggal atau tumpang umah mak, sedia maklum, mak kuat makan masin, masam dan pedas, seksa jugalah mereka kengkadang. Tapi mak tak pedulik. Ko nak tawar cam hotel, pi dok hotel atau, masak sendirik). I also got some cooked veggies from the bazaar. So malam tadi simple je berbuka cuz, mak sorang, nak beli ayam and daging pun, nanti mak sempat ke nak masak semua sekali sebelum balik kampung kali ni. Lagipun, I've cleaned up my fridge. Dalam tu ada la the odd mayonnaise and honey and the kek sarawak 3 buku tu, waiting for my departure tomorrow.

Hah? Esok dah nak balik ke?

Berbuka pun, tatau kul berapa sebab semenjak mereka buka masjid baru, mereka belum lagi pasang speaker besar tu, dah lama tak dengar azan. Mak tunggu sampai kil 6.16, baru la minum. Apa lagi? Sirap selasih dengan kembang semangkuk siap satu jag. Wohoho.

Lepas makan, shower, solat and then pergi amik kawan kat umah dia and headed to the mosque untuk tarawikh. Lepas tarawikh, my friends tu setuju nak follow me to the kampung cuz nak tengok new baby. Pergilah kami, hujan lak tu. And then sampai sana, rupanya kampung tu tengah blackout. Ingatkan orang nak jimat karan, gelap je semua.

Lepas sejam kat sana, mata pun dah ngantuk, balik la kami.

Petang ni;

Nak pergi carwash, cuci kereta luar dalam, pergi salon potong rambut. Repack my things and things I wanna take along with me balik kampung kali ni.

Esok; at this hour, I will be in KK looking for some udang kering for me mum and then to the airport.

Kenapa excited sangat kali ni?

p/s: N mintak alamat rumah pagi semalam. When I asked him what for? He said nak pergi (yeah, right) tapi I mocked some grumbling like I tak nak dia datang. So dia tukar, katanya nak hantar barang, hopefully sampai sebelum Raya. Yeah, right. Tak faham betul aku si N ni. Kekadang, enigma sangat.

balik kampung

It seems that nowadays, the main theme is laziness.

Aku malas.

Kenapa aku malas? Aku tatau. Yang aku tau aku rasa tak sabar nak balik kampung and spend time with my family. And sebenarnya aku punya mood ada spoiled sikit sebab aku dapat tahu, sekolah-sekolah lain dalam daerah ni dah cuti mulai esok. Kenapa sekolah kami masih sekolah esok? Oh, tidak!!!

Itu pasal mood aku dah masuk cuti mode hari ni lagi, sebab aku dapat bayangkan the thrill my friends from other schools tu tengah experience right now. Balik ke rumah masing-masing after school (selalunya time macam ni mereka release awal sikit) and getting changed into fresh clothes, picking up their stuff and dumping them into the car trunk and leaving for the airport. Apa yang tak thrillnya about the whole thing?

Baru ni lah aku faham keseronokan orang nak balik kampung. Selama belajar di U dulu aku tak faham kenapa kengkawan seronok sangat bila time nak balik kampung, sebab aku commute dari rumah, which usually took me 5 minutes. Now that I am miles and miles away from home, barulah aku mengerti keseronokan and excitement caused by the 'balik kampung' fever.

Sekolah Mimi, today is the last. Dia akan bertolak ke KK sekejap lagi agaknya. Dia light traveler. Semua barang-barang dia campak masuk dalam knapsack dia and dia buat hand luggage je, so dia tak payah tunggu luggage lama nak mampus di airport baggage claim tu.

Me? Mak mana pandai travel light? Nak kata aku ni diva sedarjat Kimora Lee Simmons tu tak la juga. Tapi nak kata aku ni Spartan, amatlah jauh. Memang kalau boleh aku nak travel se light-lightnya. Tapi apa kan daya, mak tak pandai, nyah.

Kali ni mak balik, as always, mesti beg biasa tu tak muat. Toiletries bagnya pun dah separuh luggage tu. Belum kotak make upnya. Tu belum the week's supply of 'adik-adik dan kakak-kakak'. Baju mesti bawa banyak, sebab aku kuat berpeluh, memang kena selalu tukar. Mandi pun 3 kali sehari. Seluar jeans, at least 3 pasang. Baju kurung, just in case mak aku nak heret aku pergi rumah saudara mara? Tudung dan anak-anaknya? Dulu masa tak pakai tudung, takdelah kena risau pasal tu. Laptop lagi? Nyawa tu, kalau takde, bleh mati wo. Kasut? At least kena 3 jenis; formal to casual, ranging from my heels to black boots to simple sandal. Tu belum isi dengan buah tangan mak belikan mereka masa mak pergi sempadan Indon dengan N last time. Oh, and my mom kirim beli udang kering 2kg. Oh pening!

Lepas tu, semalam, bapa angkat aku kat kampung ni singgah my office in the morning, suruh aku singgah umah dia, ada barang dia nak kirim kat my mom. Selalunya macam tu lah, kalau dia tahu aku nak balik KL, (ops, Selangor. Alah, senang je aku kata aku balik KL je la, bukan aku perasan. Aku malas nak type Selangor, panjang bebenor, lagipun aku memang like 10 minutes from KL pun) mesti dia ada benda nak kirim kat mak aku. Ye lah, sedara jauh bau-bau lemon la katakan. Masa aku datang sini dulu, mereka amik aku jadi anak angkat secara tak langsung, aku menumpang rahmat kawan-kawan aku yang lain. Makcik tu berkenan dengan kawan aku sorang tu nak jadikan menantu. tapi budak tu jenis nak berkefit dengan mak dia aje, terus mak dia terima pinangan orang kampung dia juga kat Johor tu, nikah, terus pindah. Dalam 5 orang yang jadi anak angkat family tu, aku je yang belum pindah lagi. So bagi menjaga status anak Semenanjung di mata masyarakat setempat, aku terus berhubung rapat dengan mereka. Kalau ada masa aku singgah. Tapi aku bukan apa jarang nak singgah umah mereka ni. Kalau aku datang, mau dia nak tumbang kerbau seekor. Punyalah beriya-iya nak meraikan singgahnya aku ni ke rumah mereka. Tak lah macam tu sekali. Tapi aku terasa dengan aku datang tu menyusahkan mereka. Buat air, kuarkan kuih apa bagai. Lepas tu bila aku nak balik mesti ada bagi aku bawak benda balik, paling tidak pun, jagung atau beras dari padi yang mereka tanam sendiri. Aku terpana. Tak tau cemana nak balas jasa mereka.

Bila my mom datang sini (adalah 2 kali dalam lapan tahun ni, enam bulan stay each time) tempat favorite dia nak lepak is di rumah keluarga angkat aku ni. Kalau mereka datang KL, parking kat umah aku la. Last time mereka pergi KL, dok umah aku, and my late dad bawa mereka jalan-jalan pergi ke Melaka. Aku kat sini masa tu, so tak dapat nak memeriahkan suasana. Actually aku nak join sekali jengjalan. Miahahaha!

Anyway, pakcik B suruh singgah umah dia nak balik dari sekolah nanti. Aku kata kul 1.20, sebab dah nak dekat cuti, time bulan puasa lagi, boss tak bising kalau kami semua pakat lari dari sekolah lepas habis time sekolah. Tapi aku jengah keluar, kereta boss dah takde. Siapa lah nak jaga sekolah. Mak stay back la. Ala... lagipun I had some things to do. Sampai kul 3 (boss dah janji dengan weols, jaga sekolah sampai kul 3 je untuk kakitangan pengurusan level guru) I packed up my stuff and pergilah umah pakcik B. Sampai kat sana aku masuk la rumah dia senyap-senyap. Sebab bila aku jengah ke dalam, aku nampak pakcik B tidur kat ruang tamunya. Kesian dia, tunggu aku dari kul 1, tak datang-datang. Cilanat betul aku ni.

Aku ke dapur, terus jumpa wife dia, Mak S. Kami borak kejap, baru aku tau yang anak dia dah melahirkan. Anak dia 3.9kg! Tergezut aku. Anak sulung lak tu. So, dia kena buat C-section. Aku naik atas, tengok mommy and baby. Mohd. Zahairi namanya. Baru empat hari, tapi nampak cam dah sebulan sebab takde bengkak ke merah ke apa ke. Besar je. baik lak tu, takde nangis-nangis kena banting dek auntie yang ganas ni. Semua nampak OK. Borak kejap, kul 3.30 aku terpaksa pergi sebab nak ke bank, bayar bills and kereta and pecah duit untuk buat duit raya anak-anak sedara Raya nanti. So aku pun mintak diri.

Siap, kat tepi pintu, 2 buah kotak berikat. Adoi... travel light kunun? Skang dah ada 2 kotak aku nak bawak balik. Dalam tu ada barangan tempatan, ikan salai, kerepek, belacan je dah 2kg, gandum and jagung and a cake. Mak terharu.

So balik tu nanti, mak akan bawak satu luggage, tatau nak bawak luggage biasa mak atau nak bawak luggage yang N bagi tu sebab dia besar sikit. Then ada 2 kotak ni. Then ada bag laptop, handbag mak lagi? And of course, mak beli kek lapis sarawak 3 buku. Semua tu hand carry. Oh pengsan.

Takpelah. Aku kan jarang balik. Sesekali balik tu, apa salahnya bersusah sikit for me family, kan?

Tapi the fact remains, mak memang tak pandai travel light.

ibs

Hari ni, I had a bad case of cherry berry. Kerap kena la. Malam tadi tatau la makan apa. Z takde, makan je apa yang ada kat umah. So not in the mood to go out to the bazaar or the market to get anything.

Tak pergi sekolah. Called in sick despite the fact that I feel guilty for having been away from school for the past week. I was weak, having been to the bathroom 6 times since 4 am. I need to rest. I was dehydrated. Spent the morning resting. Took the pills I still had from that bout of cherry berry when I was in Kuching and drank lots of water. The cat was with me menemankan, as if she knew I was sunyi and depressed and in pain. I took loads of photos of the cat lazily lounging on my stomach. Come to think of it, hari ni je dah berapa photo kucing tu aku dah amik, sebab dia memang suka melepak in my lap, on my stomach, in the crook on my arm when I lie down on the floor. Needy betul kucing ni. Kalau tak sebab sayang dah lama melambung kena campak keluar. Rimas!

I'm glad I had the cherry berry today on my last day of periods. At least I could take the pills and drink lots of water with the salts without feeling guilty.

I am feeling much better in the afternoon and the trips to the bathroom had stopped. There was no water around my area so cooking was out of the question, especially when I was really not in the mood or had the energy for that. So I went out to get some things to eat for berbuka. I know, I am not fasting today yet, but I stuck to the schedule so it wouldn't be too hard for me to get back to fasting when my periods are over.

weekend update

Ku sangka dah habis, rupanya ada lagi.

Kusangka aku dah boleh puasa, rupanya belum lagiks. Tapi hari ni I puasa anyway, cuz I dinch tau, sampailah I got back home dalam kul 8 tadi. Ahaks. Takpe. Kalau I wanted to eat pun, kat mananya kan? Besides, I don't find not eating in the daytime a big deal. The driving around and the shopping just took it all off of my mind, and besides, I had set my mind to fasting mode to be bothered about being hungry.

Bangun pagi tadi kul 5.30. I am very bad at being punctual. I can only be punctual when it is a matter of life and death. Like for PMR or SPM. Everything else can wait. That is so bad, isn't it? I hate that about myself! Oh, but I am seldom late for school. It's just strange.

Anyway, woke up at 5.30... golek-golek malas dulu in bed. Staring at the ceiling and at the things in my room. It's such a mess at the moment, I have a whole Sunday to get everything in order. Promised Mimi that I will be leaving my place at 7 this morning, which means that I will arrive at his place in half an hour after that. And for once, this morning, I was only ten minutes late for my departure. Usually, it would be an hour. Because masa tu la I wanna kemas rumah dulu, then check air and minyak hitam kereta and do the other stuff before I leave the house. Nasib baik I don't wash the car dulu before leaving...

Hari ini, pergi KK, hantar Z balik kampung. Dia nak naik bas. Tapi I thought why not I je hantar dia because it would be after the end of PMR, so I would be able to go for a day out to destress after the 5-day long jaga PMR tu. Ye, dia balik a few days earlier than the rest of us, dah mohon cuti rehat khas (CRK) untuk menguruskan majlis pernikahan dia yang akan berlangsung pada malam Raya nanti. I can only imagine the kind of emotions she is going through right now. Balik dari beraya kali ni, dia sudah jadi isteri orang. Walaupun they would be apart for a while sementara dia apply for a transfer to be with her husband, I don't know it would still be the same. Tadi hantar dia ke airport, kami lepak sampai kul 3.30 and then had to leave in order to be able to reach Sipitang in time for berbuka. I didn't notice that she had tears in her eyes when we left. Mimi did, and he mentioned it later to me in the car. I hope Z didn't feel that I do not appreciate the full extent of her situation, I just hate goodbyes and just wanted it to be done and over with as soon as possible. Even with N pun, I would usually just say goodbye and walk away, not looking back at all. But then again, with Z, I just knew she was just too happy to be married soon, that that particular goodbye this afternoon was no big deal anyway.

Soon she will be united with the man her family chose for her and being the dutiful daughter, she had nurtured the feelings for this man, and I hope their love will flourish and thrive to the end of time.

Sesampainya di KK tadi, weols ingat nak merayau-rayau di Wisma Merdeka. Tapi, today being the last Saturday before Raya, everyone was out in full throttle for their Raya shopping. So there was no parking space left at that place. That must be the place with the best bargains. So we went to CentrePoint instead.

The first thing I did? Went to a shoe store and got myself another pair of the shoes I am so in love with and wore today. It is 4inches high but extremely comfortable, I wore it all day and I could still walk another mile in it. Cewah. Then pergilah merayau-rayau dalam shopping complex tu. Biasalah, orang ramailah, kan? Got some other stuff and temankan si Mimi mencari his stuff. Z got herself another malay love novel from the bookstore and then we were on our way to the airport.

There was a fish shop at the airport and there was a fish tank with exotic fish in it. They were constantly moving, so there was no decent picture of the fish. Just the anemone that was so graceful in the water just waving in the currents.


Amy (we like to call him Mimi) posing in front of the tank. Taste tak? Mak dinch tau, uols!His favorite things to say; "Gadis cantik memang selalu dicemburui." Ko ado? Non ado....!

These are the photos we took today.

Yang kat bawah ni, we took minggu lepas, on Saturday juga. Gila pergi KK kah aku? Entah... agaknya.

Me and Z kat food court at the basement having something for iftar. That phone in my hand is not mine, it belongs to my coursemate kat U dulu, Nat. Next photo is me, Nat and Mimi, at the bowling alley. Then another photo if Z in Mimi's sunnies, and the last one is of Mimi, making that 'aku merenung masa depan' look he loves so much when being photographed. It just makes him looks so adorable, don't you think?

Lepas tinggalkan Z kat airport, kami singgah di Bazaar Ramadhan di Lok Kawi. Kat kem askar. Beli apa... makanan la, apa lagi? Nasi lauk ikan and gulai rebung, kuey teow and laksam lagi. Aku dah pening fikir bila masa la nak makan semua ni. Balik kang aku sorang je kat umah. Lepas tu, kami teruskan perjalanan. Sampai di Sipitang, we stopped for iftar at the usual mamak place. Ala, tak banyak kedai makan di situ. And most of them tak memenuhi citarasa la. And at the moment, we like to have Indian food. I had the lamb curry as usual. And he had kari ikan, and he ordered ke papadam and telur goreng dari mamak tu.

Lepas makan, we went on, I hantar Mimi to his place, kat kuarters sekolahnya. It's a nice flat. I used to go there cuz dulu I had another friend sebelum she moved back to Perak. Dulu she was my housemate. Tapi bila sekolah baru tu dibuka, she was listed to be one of the teachers to teach there, so she had to move there juga.

Lepas hantar Mimi, of course, I had to drive home alone. I have never done that before. My biggest fear driving alone in the dark palm oil estates? Kalau apa-apa hal berlaku to my car, I would be stranded in the middle of nowhere dengan all these pal estate workers all over the place. Dangerous la... Tapi, I just doa la sikit kan, and as I was reaching the junction that leads to the main road keluar dari simpang ke sekolah Mimi, ada lori treler and a kancil headed my way. I pun terus ikut and potong those vehicles. Kalau apa-apa hal berlaku biarlah aku yang ada kat depan, boleh juga mintak tolong kan? Itupun kalau mereka nak berhenti. Siapa nak berhenti kat area macam tu? There had been tales of robbery and murder all along that stretch of road.

I was familiar with the road, I have been through there hundreds of times if not thousands, so I know every bend and curve even in the dark. So, apa lagi, mak bawakla keter tu selaju yang dia mampu with Avril Lavigne singing my favorite in a loop at full blast. Muahahaha! tak sampai setengah jam, sampailah ke rumah.

Alhamdulillah, selamat sejahtera. I credit my safety to my mom's endless prayers for my well-being.

Took everything out of the car and changed, and makan, makan dan makan lagi sambil menonton TV dan menaip blog. Now, watching Capote on Star Movies.

Tadi out of the blue, my cousin called me. Amir, the youngest son of my aunt, my mom's younger sister. I met Amir at the funeral of one of my uncles. Our families had been estranged for a few years now, due to some internal problems. I wish it could be solved. I pray to God. Anyway, we exchanged numbers when I found out that he had been studying in UMS in KK for the past few years, in botany. What can I say, that little boy who used to germinate seeds in wet cotton wool in plastic cups when he was a wee school boy is now a young man still in love with growing things and the science of it all. And he's turned out into a good looking young man as well. I'll post his photo is I have them later, cuz we're meeting at the airport next Thursday. We both are going home on the same day, but different flights.

I have his number, but as always, I never bother calling, sebab I always think that my phone calls for no matter who would be unwelcome. Glad that he called me, though. We talked for a few minutes before hanging up.

I wish we could be like before it happened. I hold no grudge for him. The matter was between his mother and mine. It is just so unfair that we children had to make a stand on whose side we are on.

I hold no grudge on him.

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Sepanjang bulan Ramadhan kali ini, aku lebih rajin memasak dari tahun sebelumnya. Tidaklah aku ambil photos of the food I cooked with Zana every day. Tapi adalah sesekali tu yang aku ambil. Well, to be honest, just 2 kali tu je yang aku ambil. Selalunya biasa-biasa je masakan kami. Tapi ada dua occasion tu yang agak luar basa sikit kuantiti masakannya. Bila tak habis, masuk dalam peti sejuk. The next time, lepas panaskan, dah tak sedap, tapi yang sebenarnya aku ada irritable bowel syndrome so aku agak takut makan masakan yang berpanaskan ni. Takut kena food poisoning, so in the end, buang je la. Membazir, kan? Tapi bukan selalu buat cam tu. Jangan marah mak, nok!

Ni makan untuk 4 orang, oklah sikit. Adalah juga luaknya lauk-pauknya.

Tapi ini....?


Mak makan dengan Z je. Pengsan....

Benda yang wajib ada masa sepanjang bulan puasa kali ini ialah, pegedil ikan, yang Z selalu buat. Tahun lepas, I made them. Tapi tak tahulah kenapa, tahun ni, Z yang rajin nak buat, each time. Then ada sambal belacan, atau sambal tempoyak, petai, ulam-ulam lain, and most important of all, sejag besar sirap ros yang ada biji selasih dan kembang semangkuk. And every night, memang makan nasik. Lauk biasa, masak lemak cili api atau masak kicap. Ada buat black pepper beef, sebab terliur tengok blog di Bella yang memaparkan kesedapan black pepper beef sebuah gerai di bazaar ramadhan kat sana tu.

Sini pun ada juga bazaar ramadhan. Lauk-pauk dan kuih-muihnya memang sedap, tapi sebab dah bertahun-tahun kat sini, weols tengok, sama je, so tibalah masanya untuk rajin sikit memasak untuk memenuhi kehendak tekak ni yang dah lama merindui masakan semenanjung. Lagipun bagus juga, kan? Ke bazaar tu untuk beli kuih atau beli air linchikang je. Atau umai. Sebab umai ni, kalau sekali buat, I mesti terbuat banyak. Tak pernah lagi berbuang sebelum ni. Tapi sebab gatal kan? Beli je seringgit. Muahahaha....!

Tapi tiba je hari Rabu, mesti kami ke Sipitang, ajak Mimi sekali. Pergi ke bazaar di Sipitang, beli kuih-muih then pergi kedai mamak tu. Mamak tu suka betul bila tengok kami. Kadang, dia bagi tembikai free. Hari tu dia masakkan telur ikan special for us. Manalah tak sukanya, kalau tengok selera makan masing-masing mengalahkan gladiator.

Kalau tak pergi Sipitang, dua tiga malam ni ada juga ke masjid ikut tarawikh. Bukan aku nak tunjuk alim. Kalau korang nak tahu, aku ni dah 10 tahun tak pergi tarawikh. Tahun ni aku rasa terpanggil untuk ke masjid melaksanakan solat sunat tu secara berjamaah. Memang N ada juga menyuruh aku ke masjid untuk tarawikh. Tapi sebenarnya selama ni, tahun demi tahun, aku menantikan kalau-kalau ada orang yang nak mengajak aku ke masjid. Tapi tak ada pun. Bukan aku nak menyalahkan sesiapa dalam hal ni, tapi dengan reputasi aku sebagai 'orang jahat' kat pekan ni, thanks to some mulut puaka penabur fitnah yang gigih (pasangan suami isteri pulak tu) aku agak phobia nak menunjuk muka di masjid pekan ni sebab bimbang orang akan mengata aku yang bukan-bukan. Pengikutnya bukan sedikit. Aku takut dikatakan berpura-pura. tapi aku lupa, yang aku tak sepatutnya takut pada mereka. Aku patut lebih takut akan Tuhan, dan sayangkan diri dengan mendekatkan diri dengan Allah. Bukannya lagi melarikan diri daripada sesuatu yang aku tak nampak. So tahun ni, aku gagahkan diri, dan untuk malam pertama aku ke masjid tu, aku tebalkan muka, manalah tahu kalau-kalau terjumpa koncho-koncho orang itu. Alhamdulillah, bila aku pergi ke sana dengan rela hati, I found out yang the experience had a calming effect on me and I had a very good time menjalankan solat sunat tu secara berjemaah. Aku tak sabar untuk mula berpuasa semula esok supaya aku dapat ke masjid untuk ikut tarawikh lagi. Kali ni Z tak ada untuk ikut aku pergi. Aku akan ajak Lini dan Zura pulak, kalau mereka sudi.

Malam esok, maybe I will settle with spaghetti je for berbuka, mungkin sampai Khamis when it is time for me to fly home. I will be alone these last few days sebelum balik kampung, so takde berapa semangat sangat nak masak-masak for berbuka. I doubt that I will buy anything from the bazaar. So kalau nak makan nasik, nanti I will have to go to the market la cari fish and chicken.

Oh, I don't do sahur. Not because of anything. I just find that I would get stomach discomfort and feel lethargic throughout the day if I do. When I was younger, my parents would force me to wake up in the middle of the morning and with my eyes still closed, I would force myself to eat. My dad selalu marah me, teruk sangat kaki tidurnya sampai suruh sahur pun boleh sahur sambil mata tertutup. Masa kat asrama, kawan-kawan ajak bersahur. Kalau tak bangun, digegarnya katil. And aktiviti petang kat sekolah berjalan macam biasa, so kenalah sahur. Tapi bila dah masuk U, tinggal dengan family, my parents dah tak paksa me makan sahur lagi lepas beberapa kali memaksa dan tengok I okay puasa tanpa sahur. Tapi, my mom said, masa bujang ni okaylah tak nak sahur, tapi kalau dah berumahtangga, dapat pulak husband yang mesti sahur, susah la nanti. I think I will find a way to handle that. We humans are remarkable beings who can adapt to just about anything, right?

Random Photo

Z and I bought a pair of almost identical sandals at the tamu in Sipitang. Gambar ni weols amik masa hadir majlis berbuka puasa dan tarawikh di sekolah sempena Ramadhan.
Guess which of these are my feet. Siapa betul saya bagi limaposen.
W, no prize for the right answer.

Tahun ni, I ketua PMR, tapi I tak buat claim. Malas. So I hantar semua claims anak-anak buah except for mine. There was no objections from my Penyelia Kawasan, takpelah tu kan? Mesti mereka gembira sebab ada kurang sorang buat claims.

Random Photo 2

Ni photo I took of my and Cyril, masa balik dari Limbang after having attended the Taklimat Pengendalian PMR di PPG.
Kenapa ada banyak? Suka hati aku la, bukan pakai filem pun. Lagipun bukan patah pun jari korang memetik butang tu kan? Taklah, I just wanted to display the many faces of Cyril.
He is such a pleasant person to be with. Oh, he's got a girlfriend dah, uols. Jangan nak verangans, occay?

Esok, Ahad. Aku tahulah kau tahu. Tapi esok aku nak iron baju kerja, lipat baju dan kemas rumah. Adalah benda nak buat to distract me from the fact that I am all alone in this big house for the next few days.

Okaylah, adik-adik dan kawan-kawan. Dah kul 1 lebih ni. I nak mandi, esok nak puasa. Nak tarawikh macam umat Islam lain. Harap uols dapat menghadapi puasa dengan tabah dan beroleh keberkatan atas segala amalan uols sepanjang bulan mulia ni.

Betul orang kata, nak buat baik tu tak susah. Semudah nak buat jahat. Yang pentingnya, hati.

ibu and W

Mak jaga PMR.

Ketua la, cam selalu. Tahun ni mak malas nak jaga SPM sebab tahun lepas, jaga SPM punya pasal, mak balik kampung 2 minggu je. Kesian mak mak! Mak sedey buat cenggitu kat dia. Walaupun mak ni ala-ala derhaka, tapi sebenarnya kalau hal-hal balik kampung ni, kalau dapat, mak akan cuba balik and stay lama sikit, sebab time-time macam tu memang di tunggu-tunggu oleh family mak. Mak mak tu pun, walaupun kami selalu berselisih faham, kalau mak jauh ni, selalu dia calling calling tanya khabar mak. Mak mana tak sayangkan anak, kan?

It's a miracle that my mom can still love someone like me. I don't know why la my relationship with my mom tu tak sama macam mother daughter relationship lain yang I know of. I know some girls memang rapat dengan mom diorang. I have no idea what kind of relationship I would like to have with my mom, but I think what I used to have or am having with her right now could be better. Not for my sake, but for her. Nak kata cuz I am young and will live longer than she would, mana tahu bila ajal maut tu kan? But because she is my mother, I should be more tolerant of her wiles, now that she is getting on with her years. I know. I have tried. These past few years sesi perang mulut dah agak berkurangan, I think. You think so too, tak, W? Tapi from time to time, especially kalau dah lama balik kampung tu, mesti ada time yang kami bertekak. Kesian my mom.

One day we had a big fight, sampai my mom tak nak hantar me to the airport when it was time for me to leave again. My mom, kalau sihat and takde apa masalah mesti come along hantar ke airport bila time I nak balik ke Lawas. Tapi that time, dia kecik ati sangat with me, dia tak nak ikut. I sedeyla. Tapi nak buat cemana, kengkadang ada juga benda yang my mom buat yang I tak setuju and bila dah macam tu, alamat la terlanjur mulut Joyah mak ni. Dah terlanjur tu, kena la tunggu gunung berapi tu tenteram dulu baru dapat mintak ampun balik. Lepas a few days mak kat sekolah, my mom calling-calling, macam takde apa-apa je. Dia tanya khabar. Mak pun layan cam biasa, ketawa-ketawa lagi. Macam tu je la selalunya kami berdua.

Mak sayang mak mak. Tapi mulut mak ni yang tak sayang diri sendiri. Tau kan pepatah melayu tu yang berbunyi.... entah. Apa tah bunyinya. Pandai-pandai korang la. Mak tau la mak cikgu tapi malas la nak ngajar korang Sastera Melayu lak dalam ni. Mak majored in English Literature kat uni dulu. Muak ak ak ak....!

Tapi yang sedihnya is W. Adik mak seorang tu. Last time mak ada misunderstanding dengan mak mak tu, dia la yang sedey, sebab dia tak sanggup memilih pihak mana yang dia nak sokong sebab dua-dua dia sayang. Mak tau. Mak paham. Mak pun rasa cam tu gak masa kecik-kecik dulu bila mak mak and arwah ayah mak buat-buat perang dunia kat umah. Mak selalu sedih and risau tahap tenuk kalau mak and ayah mak bergaduh. Mak selalu fikir sendiri, kalau ibu and ayah bercerai, mak nak ikut siapa? Mak sanggup jaid anak yatim, tido bawah jambatan, sebab tak nak pilih. Mak sayang dua-dua sama je.

So masa tu W and mak berdiri kat luar rumah, baru turun kereta. Mak mak dah masuk umah, mak and W kat luar. W menangis sebab dia buntu nak berpihak pada siapa. Mak cakap kat dia; you don't even have to think about it. Be on mom's side, because I can fend for myself. I know you love me too, as much as you love mom, but at this stage of her life, she needs you more than I do. Lepas ni kalau aku and mom gaduh lagi, no matter who is right, remember, be on her side, because I will totally understand. Lepas tu me and W held each other. I tried very hard not to cry sebab if I start crying melalak terus. Buruk sangat and kalau dah macam tu siapa pulak la nak mententeramkan si W yang dah sedey sangat tu. W jarang bising-bising kalau dia runsing. Tapi kalau dah sampai tahap nangis macam tu, dia memang runsing sangat la tu.

Nak tahu? Me and W is very close. Masa kecik dulu, we create our own world. Nak kata penuh dengan fantastic monsters and fairies tu tipulah. Tapi it was special enough for us. Sebab? Sebab mom didn't really like it if we go out in the afternoons and play with the neighborhood kids. We didn't really understand why back then. We do now though. So most of the time, we only had each other to play with.

Pernah sekali atas sebab-sebab yang mak tak bleh nak cerita kat sini, mak nak bunu abang mak yang number 2 tu, yang mak ingin namakan di sini sebagai Badigol. Masa tu just me and W kat umah, and Badigol ada la kat atas tu berkurung, as always. Mom and dad kerja masa tuh. Biasalah, kami selalu tinggal kat umah camtu, pandai pun jaga diri sendiri. Jangan risau, mom and dad were not being negligent. Tapi ada la sekali tu, mak dah tak tahan dengan peranga Badigol yang suka mendera W ni. Dia ingat mak tak tahu? Mak cuma tak nak bergaduh dengan dia je, sebab masa tu Badigol baru je weols kuitp balik dari rumah nenek selepas bertahun-tahun dispoiltkan dengan jayanya oleh nenek. So petang tu, mak geram sangat, rasa nak meletup, terus mak pergi ke dapur and ambil pisau potong sayur mak mak, panjang 5 inci, and mak nak tikan je perut di Badigol supaya dia habis hayat kat situ je terus and tak boleh menyakitkan adik kesayangan mak ni lagi sampai bebila. Abang, ke datuk, ke, nenek ke, apa mak peduli. Tapi ye la kan, mak ni kecik lagi masa tu mak 7 ke, 8 tahun mak pun tak ingat. Bila mak nak serang dia terus dia choke hold mak dengan lengan dia, dari belakang mak, and weols bergelut la kan, lepas tu mak geget lengan dia terus la dia lepaskan mak dari choke hold tu, and lari keluar rumah and naik basikal terus blah. Lepas tu mak pergi peluk W.

W pernah bagitau mak dia ada mimpi rumah weols terbakar. Masa tu mak and mak mak terperagkap dalam rumah tu. Yang dia sedey tu bukan apa, ada ke dia beriya-iya suruh mak larikan diri, dan tak terpikir pun pasal mak mak? Mak rasa masa tu mesti W questioned herself how much love she had for mom. The way I see it, W knows that mom could take care of herself and she was concerned about me in that dream because I was still very little at that time and we were very much attached at the hips masa tu. Memang la dia sibuk suruh mak larikan diri. Bukan dia love mom any less than she loves me.

Masa kecik dulu, bila I was in standard 5, W masuk standard 1. Mak would picitkan the toothpaste for her to brush her teeth, and then make her take a shower dulu from me. Bukan apa, mak malas nak mandi dulu sebenarnya. Huahahaha. Masa sekolah rendah, mak kurus kering, sejuk wo... Bila kat sekolah, W akan keluar rehat dulu sebab dia darjah 1. Mak darjah 5, kuar 10 minit lepas tu kut, mak dah lupa. Kantin kecik kan...? Lepas tu mak akan belanja duit saku mak belikan W makanan. Tak tahulah kenapa, rasa macam seronok lak ada adik sekolah sama with me and it made me happy to spend my money on food for her. Kadang-kadang, W tak suka rehat sengsorang, dia naik ke kelas mak kat tingkat 3 and tunggu mak kat corridor sampai time mak keluar rehat so kami dapat pergi rehat sama-sama.

Macam tu lah sampai kami masuk darjah 6, and darjah 2 respectively. Lepas tu, mak dapat masuk sekolah berasrama. Mak tak nak masuk sekolah tu. Sebab mak kan rock? Sekolah tu sekolah budak baik-baik je. Tapi sebab nak menggembirakan hati ibu and ayah, mak masuk je lah sekolah tu. Lagipun kalau mak melawan pun, mak tak nak masuk sekolah biasa-biasa ni (berlagakkah mak?). Later on, W cerita, the first morning she had to go to school without me, masa dia tengah nak berus gigi pagi tu, dia kata dia nampak my kelibat kat pintu dapur. She said she saw me open the door and went outside. She called my name a few times, and opened the door and looked outside into the cold darkness of the early morning, and then she realized that I was miles away in Seremban, in a school I hate. Then she broke down and cried. I wish I was there to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay cuz she is a strong little girl.

Every time I go home she was the happiest person to see me. Of course, mom also happy juga, of course. But when I have to go back, W and pergi menyorok bawah dining table where no one could find her and menangis sorang-sorang.

Bila mak datang Lawas, W sent me a box for my birthday with a handmade card and a scented candle. Among other things, she said, I have another candle exactly like this one, so when you miss me, light this candle and know that I will smell the same scent and when you look out at the sky, we will be looking at the same moon. That sounded wondrous, coming from W who seldom come out with wishy washy things like that, but at that moment, yes, she did make me miss home after the coveted freedom was in my hands.

Mak nak cakap cemana? Is that sisterly love or what? Mak and W have shared a lot of things, it would be sad if we turn out estranged later in life. Tapi mak and W dah janji, no matter what happens, we will not repeat the same mistakes sedara mara weols dah buat to each other. No matter macamana marah pun, we will always do our best to remember the good things we have had together.

Mak sayang W sampai mati. She is the only person... apart from my mom and dad, who can love me unconditionally. And that coming from me, is a huge matter. Because like I said before, I know me and loving me is no small feat.

Tapi uols paham tak kalau mak cakap mak sayang sangat kat mak mak tu, despite everything? Kalau Tuhan nak kasi mak ni mak baru umpama bidadari syorga pun mak tak mo. Kaya-raya cam Lim Goh Tong pun mak tak mo gak. Sebab itu bukan mak kandung mak. Mak kandung mak yang mengendong mak ni sembilan bulan dalam perut dia, dari tegang jadi boyot, dari rapat jadi lebar, dari ketat jadi longgar, just to bring me into this world. I know she had made a lot of sacrifices for me. And there had never been a time when I don't think what a daughter from hell I have turned out to be. Itu pasal mak suka bila dapat kerja kat Sarawak. Mak dinch even care mana mereka nak hantar mak. Yang penting pada mak masa tu is that I will be able to get away and be on my own. Bukan sebab nak jadi Tenggang. Tapi I was thinking that maybe once, I can be of some use to my mom. Jauh-jauh macam ni we miss each other and mak dapatlah jarang gaduh dengan my mom.

Ada my mom suruh I pindah balik semula ke West Malaysia, tapi last time bila my mom came over here, we had a huge fight sampai my mom wanted to go back home as soon as she got here.... It made me rethink that plan of moving back to Selangor. I am a bad, bad daughter.

Apa nak jadi dengan mak ni?

Apa-apa pun, mak tak sabar nak balik. Not simply because it is going to be Raya. But also the fact that I genuinely miss home. I miss W and I miss mom.