Thursday, October 25, 2007

pettiness galore

Frankly speaking, Lawas has lost its hold on me. I am not saying that the locals are not as friendly or not as giving. They never cease to surprise me. But there are other aspects of my life that has changed for the worse.

Lately, I am feeling lonely. Lonelier than I have ever been.

At 31, one would think that a woman would be looking for ways to live her life to the fullest. She is over the years spent worrying about how she looked and what other people think of her. She should have learned by now not to take the shitty things in life too seriously. She should also have learned a lot of other things.

In my heart, I don’t feel older than 20, but my confidence have soared higher and higher since I was 20. I was not the young and na├»ve and the one who is always worried that she might have done something wrong when someone calls her for an immediate meeting. I am not afraid of not much anymore.

I think I am at the stage of my life where I have that ‘the devil may care’ attitude clearly stamped on my forehead. I do feel that way.

But I can’t help feeling bogged down by petty things in life like the shitty things people say or do about me behind my back. Suddenly, I find myself returning to being that 15 year old miserable girl stuck in a school she hated. That was more than 15 years ago, and that is a long time for anyone to convince herself that nothing is this world would take away the freedom and confidence that she had rightly earned on her own.

Why does it matter so much, what people say about you behind your back? Would it be any better if you’re always there, ready to stamp the life out of any person who dares to say anything bad about you? Wouldn’t it be better to just let these loose toilet mouthed people to roam free while I simply do my thing to prove her wrong?

I believe that God is just. It might take a long while before it takes effect, but it is worth the wait.

Besides, if that person drinks from your pretty stemmed glass and all she did was wipe the brim off with a tissue paper before placing it back in the glass container on the dining table with her finger prints all over it, thinking that no one would notice, I don’t think she should be any one you should consider feeling intimidated by at all.

Because that is what she is, lazy and petty.

No comments: