well again

By the time I post this entry, I would be at home, showered, cleaned and dressed in something comfortable and probably tengah menjalar in my living room.

Tapi masa I taip ni, memang I am in my office.

Apa nak komplen hari ni? Opisku panas.

Kenapa panas? Sebab ada masalah wiring, so bila je aku onkan ac ku inniew, ianya akan mengakibatkan seluruh Bangunan Pentadbiran ini mengalami back-out. Dah beberapa kali berlaku, aku tak sanggup buat lagi sebab nanti habis pulak rosak komputer-komputer dalam bangunan ni gara-gara aku tak tahan panas.

Waran tiket ke Miri dah Ara siapkan. Tunggu nak pergi ambil je petang ni. Huhuhu. Dan aku pun dah semakin pulih daripada penyakit kali ini. Thanks to the steroids I am on at the moment. I wonder if it does anything to my energy levels, because it is doing wonders. Hari ni dengan suara serak-serak seksi-meksi dek hidung tersumbat dah batuk keterlaluan, aku dapat lagi menghamput beberapa orang budak lelaki yang tak reti nak keep their shirts tucked in. And aku sempat cari budak escape kat area kedai. Dapat sorang. Lagi tiga aku akan bunuh esok. Come on, when I said bunuh, takkan you all sangka I will literally kill them with my bare hands. When I said bunuh, it is just a hyperbole yang menunjukkan bahawa aku akan kerjakan mereka cukup-cukup bila mereka datang ke sekolah nanti. Kalau bukan aku yang nak meleterkan mereka ke jalan kebenaran, siapa lagi? Memang la Guru Disiplin punya kerja, tapi kalau Guru Disiplin buat senyum kambing je bila aku bukak cerita pelaksanaan disiplin kat sekolah ni, takkan aku nak biarkan je pulak, kan? Aku turun padang la sesekali.

Lagipun dah dekat dengan waktu cuti penggal ke-tiga ni, aku tak salahkan sesiapa kalau orang dah masuk mood cuti. Korang pun jangan salahkan mereka tau? Sebab kalau korang menghadap kerenah 500 orang pelajar yang pelbagai yang kebanyakkannya menyakitkan kepala selama lebih 250 hari persekolahan setiap tahun, korang pun akan rasa macam tu bila dah dekat time nak cuti panjang; sebab masa tu korang dapat menumpukan perhatian kepada keluarga tercinta, orang tersayang, percutian di destinasi idaman, minat dan hobi yang telah lama terkandas atau sekadar bermalas-malasan di rumah... apa saja yang dapat menjadi terapi untuk menyediakan diri untuk menghadapi tahun persekolahan yang seterusnya.

Aku? Kalau bercuti, banyak masa aku habiskan di rumah je. Dengan ibu, adik dan anak angkat tu. Hujung minggu, meriahlah sikit sebab ada abang balik bawak family dia, dan anak-anak buah aku lagi 2 orang tu memang tengah ligat buat nakal. Kalau ada masa aku bawa mak and adik jalan-jalan ke luar. Tapi banyak masanya, adik aku yang sibuk ajak berjalan sebab waktu cuti dia bukan ikut time Malaysia. So sesekali dapat bercuti, memang dialah yang beriya-iya mengajak aku pergi ke mana-mana. Kawan-kawan ada mengajak. Tapi selalu aku beri alasan macam-macam sebab malas nak berdress up dan keluar berpoya-poya dengan mereka sedangkan mata ni sebenarnya asyik nak tidur kat rumah je. Wahahahaha... aku memang kai tido. Kalau takde aktiviti nak meninggalkan rumah tu, takdenya aku nak berinisiatif sendiri nak pergi mana-mananya deh. Adakah aku kera sumbang? Maybe.

Padahalnya aku memang rindu kat kengkawan U dulu. Tapi aku rapat dengan sesetengahnya je. Tapi dengan mereka pun aku susah sangat nak bersua muka. Maklumlah, semuanya dah berkerjaya. Dan aku rasa hanya aku je yang masih jadi cikgu sekolah. Yang lain dah jadi pensyarah, penolong pengarah, ahli perniagaan dan sebagainya. Aku tak iri. Aku suka jadi cikgu, kan banyak cuti? Huahahaha... tapi bila difikirkan soalan cepu mas yang bakal disoal, seperti ”What’s new...?” Takkan aku nak dok jawab, ”Same old, same old?” manjang. Sebab memang takdek perbendernya yang aku nak ceritakan pung. Takkan aku nak buat-buat cerita lak, kan?

Tapi masa Bella ajak tu memang tak berapa sihat la. Lagipun masa tu masih di Tampin, kat umah uncle. By the time sampai kat rumah, aku dah tenat. Nak lunch date kehapanya, kan? Nak menyebar germs je jawabnya kalau aku menggatal kata nak nak nak.

Takpa, cuti sekolah penggal ke-tiga, aku dah diberi lampu hijau untuk cuti lebih lama dari tahun lepas oleh Pengetua. So, insyaAllah, I will make a better effort at catching up with me friends, especially J dan Bella. Aku rindu kat J, dah lama tak jumpa dia and menganyam ketupat dengan dia, bak kata Bella. Kalau aku jumpa Bella, aku nak bualkan tentang apa? Her circle of friends is totally different from mine. And frankly speaking, kalau ye la jumpa si Bella ni, dialah manusia kedua yang aku jumpa face-to-face yang mulanya kenal di internet. Kuno sangat ke aku? Well, let’s just say that I go to the internet for different reasons than she did. Oh my! Seswatu sangat! Ramai yang ajak jumpa. Tapi kebanyakkannya creepy je. So aku malas entertain ajakan berbau danger macam tu. Jadi takdelah berjumpa dengan sesiapa pung dari internet selama ini. Mak selamat, jiwa pun tenteram. Hiks!

Gigihnya aku berentry hari ni. Apsal ek? Adakah steroid ini yang telah membuatkan aku begini atau aku memang dah bebetul sihat? Apa-apa pun aku sangat gumbira hari ini sebab I am definitely feeling way better than I did on Monday. No, I am not whining. I am writing these things about me being sick, so that one day when I read these entries again, I would know that I am indeed not invincible, the way I feel most of the time when I am healthy.

Hes hes hes.

senang jadi cikgu kalau...

Ada seorang pakcik berbangsa Tiong Hua yang aku kenali dalam aktiviti anjuran Kementerian Belia dan Sukan yang aku sertai, dia bercerita kepada aku tentang anak buahnya yang juga seorang guru di sebuah sekolah di tengah Sarawak. Katanya, setiap kali berjumpa ketika bercuti, anak buahnya sering bercerita tentang perasaan kecewa dan tidak puas hati tentang profession yang diceburinya itu. Pakcik tu berpesan kepada anak buahnya, sebagai guru, tanggungjawabmu ialah mengajar. Habiskan saja sukatan tahunan, sama ada mereka pandai atau tidak, itu terpulang kepada usaha dan kehendak pelajar itu sendiri. Ketika itu kau telah pun melunaskan tanggungjawabmu terhadap tugas dan Kementerian.

Alangkah indahnya jika itu adalah sikap yang boleh aku amalkan tanpa timbul rasa bersalah. Dan aku rasa, anak buah dia pun kurang bersetuju dengan pendapat dia.

Guru bukan malaikat. Guru manusia biasa yang rela menghabiskan usianya mengajar anak bangsa. Ada juga di kalangan golongan ini yang dianugerahkan Tuhan dengan kerajinan, dedikasi dan bakat yang amat sesuai dengan kerjayanya di bidang ini yang menjadikan dia setaraf dengan ’miracle workers’. Ada masanya pengorbanan yang dia buat untuk anak-anak didiknya dibalas dengan kejayaan. Walaupun tak ada ucapan terima kasih diiringi titsan air mata dan rangkulan erat anak murid itu, guru itu tetap merasa puas, jika segala kesakitan dan kepayahan yang dia rasakan selama ini membuahkan hasil. Tapi adakalanya sesetengah guru tak mampu untuk mewujudkan the sense of wonderment dalam jiwa anak didiknya, akan bagaimana indahnya ilmu yang ditimba jika ianya dapat diguna pakai dalam kehidupan seharian. Yang mampu dibuatnya ialah menghambur semula ilmu yang telah ditelan sejak dia sendiri masih dibangku sekolah lagi. Kalau baik anak didiknya, mungkin dia ikhlas. Tapi kalau anak-anak didik yang dihadapinya setiap hari hanya baik sedikit je dari Jin Ifrit, aku tak salahkan dia jika dia mengajar dengan rasa tidak ikhlas. Jika dia rasa dia tidak dihargai. Jika dia rasa tak bersalah kalau anak-anak ini gagal di hari muka kelak. Ada sesiapa yang baca blog ini boleh terus bersikap mulia lagi murni jika setiap hari dikeji dihina dilawan diancam dikutuk? Ada sesiapa yang baca blog ini yang boleh terus bersikap penuh kasih dan simpati terhadap makhluk-makhluk bergelar manusia ini jika setiap hari disajikan jamuan yang menyakitkan mata, telinga dan hati?

Aku bukan menulis entry ini untuk menyokong mana-mana pihak dalam apa jua tindakan mereka. Aku cuma nak bagitau, bahawa, agak sukar bagi aku untuk mengamalkan sikap blase macam yang disarankan oleh pakcik tu.

Bukan aku nak kata I am one of the miracle workers. No matter how hard I do my job, aku belum lagi dapat menghasilkan 100% passes in my subject. Jauh lagi perjalanan aku di sekolah ini. Aku nak bagitau, susah untuk aku dan guru-guru ini hanya sekadar mengajar melunaskan sukatan. Sebab walaupun sakit, hati ini tak sampai untuk membiarkan anak-anak ini kekal tak diajar tentang adab. Di situ jugalah masalahnya bermula.

Dan aku juga nak bagitau, ada di kalangan guru di sekolah ini yang benar-benar mampu menghasilkan anak didik yang berjaya dalam subjek yang diajarnya. Tapi sayang, tak lama lagi dia pasti akan berpindah kembali ke kampung halamannya. Memang aku lihat borang permohonan pindahnya di meja kerani sekolah ku saban tahun. Tak siapa pun yang dapat bertahan lama di sekolah ini. Terlalu terpencil. Terlalu jauh dari kampung halaman, yang rata-rata gurunya datang dari segenap pelusuk tanahair. Setahun dua, tiga, empat, sudah pasti hati bagai direnggut-renggut untuk pulang ke kampung halaman masing-masing untuk kembali menikmati kemewahan dan kebebasan hidup yang telah biasa dikecapi selama ini, yang tergendala selama mencurah bakti di kampung ini.

Aku bertuah, dengan saiz badan dan amalan ’tough love’ yang aku gunakan dengan anak-anak aku di sini, sedikit sebanyak dapat merapatkan aku dengan mereka, jadi aku jarang menghadapi masalah anak murid biadab dalam sessi P&P, seperti yang dihadapi oleh segelintir guru di sekolah ini. Manakala yang selebihnya, mungkin dah mula mengamalkan saranan pakcik tu tadi. Kereta tak calar, kepala tak sakit. Siapa yang nak cari nahas, kan?

Aku sayang kampung ini dan orang-orangnya. Aku sayang pengalaman pahit manis aku kecapi dengan rakan-rakan, anak-anak dan orang kampung selama ini. Aku pasti, apabila tiba masa aku melangkah pergi air mata pastikan berlinangan membasahi pipi. Tapi apakan daya? Sebagaimana kasihnya aku terhadap kampung ini dan isinya, suatu hari nanti aku pasti akan meninggalkannya dan kembali ke pekan di pinggir ibu kota yang ku gelar kampung halaman.

Tatkala saat itu tiba, pasti adakah hati yang akan diruntun hiba akan perginya aku selama-lamanya setelah sekian lama bergaul dengan penduduk sekampung? Akan adakah yang masih mengingati diri ini, cacat cela serta istimewanya jika ada, setelah aku pergi? Akan adakah yang akan mengingati cikgu tomboy yang sayangkan anak-anak sekolah ni macam anak sendiri?

Setibanya aku di sini lebih lapan tahun yang lalu, aku tahu aku pasti temui kedamaian di ceruk dunia ini. Kedamaian dan kebebasan dah aku kecapi. Semahu-mahunya. Kini tiba masa untuk kembali ke pangkuan bonda, untuk mengabdikan diri kepadanya sepertimana dia telah lakukan ketika aku masih kecil. Tidak ku menyangka, walaupun saat itu masih agak jauh untuk ku amati, namun hanya sekadar membayangkannya saja sudah memadai untuk memecahkan empangan hati ini.

Berapa lama akan ku ratapi kehilangan yang bakal aku hadapi ini?

Dan apabila aku sudah melontar diriku jauh ke hadapan, untuk menghadapi hidup baru di sana nanti, adakah aku akan menyesali keputusanku?

Wajah-wajah ini akan kekal di dalam jiwa. Tebing sungainya, ketam udang hadiah muridku, mempelam mangga manis bersari menuruni siku, beras dibajai titik peluh ibu angkat ku putih gebu, kaki langitnya tiada penghujung, biru angkasa sedalam lautan, awan gemawan berarak lesu, sawah padi terbentang luas, sungai mengalir jernih menyuci diri, jalanraya pintu kebebasan seolah tiada sempadan, deruan ombak, pasir nan halus di celah jemari kaki, bayu laut manja menyisir rambutku membisikkan kerinduan ibu di telinga ku. Itu semua pasti akan ku tinggalkan. Dan saat itu kini kurasakan amat hampir. Bila tiba masanya adakah aku akan bersedia melambai sanak-saudara angkat dan rakan-rakan yang ku anggap keluarga selama aku di perantauan? Pergi ku yang tak mungkin kembali?

Aku bukan anak jatinya. Jatiku di seberang sana. Sayang dan kasih akan desa ini terus menambat, tapi hati ku mula gelisah. Gelisah ini tiada yang menerangkan. Mungkin doa ibu mula makbul, agar anaknya ini kembali ke pangkuannya. Ibu tidak berdosa merampasku dari semua ini. Memang niatku untuk kembali tanpa kuketahui bila saat dan ketikanya. Kini Yang Maha Esa yang akan memutuskan buat diriku.

Relakah aku akan ketentuan ini? Pasti.

p/s : Bukan niatku mencuba kemampuan berbahasa puitis. Aku ingin merekodkan gelodak jiwa akan keputusan aku hari ini dalam lembaran hari ini dengan sebaik mungkin, agar suatu hari nanti, bila aku kembali ke sini, aku tahu betapa dalamnya cintaku akan desa ini.

pindah

I know why God made me sick.

Oh no, don't get me wrong. I am not angry with Him and I am not pointing my finger up into the sky demanding an explanation. I have pretty much accepted this fact about myself.

Another day spent convalescing in bed. Taking pills and antibiotics and puffs of the inhaler. And I also imagine how it would be like if I had this in 30 years time; when I am much older and have no one around to take care of me. That's how my mom feels like. What better way to make me understand that by making me feel exactly the way she feels?

So, I will go home. Transfer back home. Soon. But I will go for another 2 years before doing that. I have things to settle. Debts to pay. Lepas tu I will go home and stay with mom. So she will have someone by her side all the time. It is high time I go home and take care of her. The last thing I want her to feel was being abandoned. That was not my plan at all. I thought staying away would make things easier for the both of us. Tapi I never thought how that also made her feel abandoned. She never said it. But now I know how she feels. Nothing she had done in the past grants her such treatment from anyone, least of all me.

Siapa tahu berapa lama lagi usia ibu? I might not have that long a time to make up for lost times. I didn't have the chance to make up lost time with dad. I don't wanna make the same mistake with mom. I have enough guilt to last me a life time.

InsyaAllah. When everything is in order, I will apply for that transfer. We'll be a whole family again. Please God, help me in this.

Amin....

ampus

I was in perfect health when I flew back to KL the Thursday before Eid. But when I got there, everyone in the family was either coughing or wheezing. I guess I already knew I was gonna get sick too eventually, with all the sickness that was going on.

Sure enough, the following Sunday, I started feeling unwell. I started coughing. That's how I always get sick since I have been having tonsilitis ever since I can remember. I thought it would just go away. Although my tonsilitis never 'goes away' just like that before, not without a visit to the doctor, I didn't feel like it was a big deal. My brother thought I was just having the coughs. So he suggested I get some lozenges for the cough. My throat had begun to feel raw from all the coughing and I was already coughing up some blood by then. It grew worse, until Wednesday, I felt sorry that my being sick had caused everyone to be stuck in the house, so I suggested that we all go to Tampin that morning. Bukan nak spread germs. Tapi because kami memang mesti pergi Tampin kalau Raya cuz itu rumah my uncle (my mom's older brother) yang wajib we all visit time Raya. So we all pergi la. Malam Rabu tak dapat tidur langsung cuz I was coughing and wheezing so much and had so much mucus throughout the night, asyik kena pergi bathroom to get rid of it. And I my coughs have started feeling more chesty than it was before and I can feel my lungs 'gurgling' with moisture every I cough and wheeze for air.

The next day, I went to the clinic with my sister. The doctor buat cam biasa je. He gave me some meds and gave a a spray or two up my nose with a nasal spray. That cleared up my breathing. Selama ni I thought nasal spray tu painful, rupanya idak. Then I also mintak to be injected so cepat sikit sembuh.

Anyway, I went back, and started on the meds. Balik dari Tampin, sampai Sabtu, ubat and antibiotics dah habis, tapi tak tunjukkan tanda-tanda akan sembuh. Malahan jadi tambah teruk adalah. My momcould hear the noise my chest was making and she suggested I postpone my going back to Lawas and pergi masuk wad. I thought about it, maybe that is a good idea because I don't remember being in such a bad shape before.

Tapi then I remembered that ada 3 orang kawan sekolah nak tumpang balik sama in my car from KK. If I do that, they would be stranded in KK for a day before taking the bus on Monday.
Kerana itu je, I had to trash that idea. Lagipun my mom said, takpelah balik sekarang. Sakit pun, boleh pergi jumpa doktor kat sana nanti, at least ada kawan nak balik sekali, tak la driving sorang.

I didn't know how bad it was. I coughed in the plane. I covered my face when I cough cuz tak nak menakutkan penumpang lain. It was so bad. Nasib baik, I sat at the back sekali. So tak la sesiapa yang berani nak menoleh ke belakang mencari orang yang batuk macam nak mam tu...

Sampai kat airport, I jumpa budak bertiga tu, berlawak-lawak. Lapar, I manaaged to have one piece of chicken wing from KFC. Lepas tu hantar Z pergi cuci wedding pics dia and then terus drive ke Lawas.

This morning, I went to school. Sebelum cuti Raya, I left my question paper dengan printer person tu. Dia janji nak tolong staplekan. So to make sure that it was done, I went to school. Dapatlah hantar si Z ke sekolah sekali. Lepas tengok question paper in order, I gave it to Z since she was the one yang patutnya masuk first jaga exam masa tu, then I drove back to town.

Sepanjang jalan balik tu, I dozed off a few times. My dar dah masuk kat area berumput on the bahu jalan atau dah melalut ke tengah jalan baru I tersedar. Bukan doze off sikit-sikit. Terlena terus. I still drove on sebab I know if I stopped pun, bukan I nak tidur pun nanti. Mesti wide awake dibuatnya. Sampai kat Lawas, I terus park kat depan klinik doktor Chong walaupun 45 minutes awal. I tidur je dalam kereta, sebab kalau balik nanti mesti tak larat nak keluar lagi.

10 minutes ebelum kul 8, I masuk and duduk kat lobby klinik. Bila masuk, doktor tu ask usual questions and then ask me to go to the next room and put me on the neb machine for 10 minutes. Barulah I could breathe normally again and my chest pun tak terasa penuh dengan
kahak sangat.

I tak mintak pun, tapi dia bagi MC 2 hari and for medication, dia bagi Ventolin inhaler, ubat batuk, paracetamol and antibiotics. Dia kata I kena semput. What is the proper medical term for semput? Asthma? Do people get asthma later in life? I don't remember ever having asthma.

I senang dengan doktor Chong daripada pergi hospital kerajaan, sebab ubat Hospital Kerajaan tak berkesan on me. Dari kecik pun memang my mom took me to private clinic kalau I demam. Lagipun kalau I sakit, doktor Chong tak akan tuduh I am trying to get free MC macam doktor kat Poliklinik kat pekan tu. Kepala hotak dia. Ingat aku macam tu ke? Memang perempuan tu babi. Aku sakit ni, dia kata aku pura-pura. Lagipun dulu aku pernah main tennis sama time sebelah court dengan doktor Chong. Kira kenal la juga. Kawan-kawan dia pun kenal aku juga.

Balik tadi, aku beli nasi goreng tapau, lepas makan, aku amik ubat and tidur je most part of the day. Aku dah call boss. Kesian dia. Kak Liza takde plak minggu ni. Dia ke Kuching, ada kursus PK1. Esok aku cuti lagi.

Malam ni aku masih batuk lagi. Tapi tak sesakit atau sedahsyat minggu lepas.

My mom tak berhenti-henti call to see how I am doing. She must be worried. Kesian my mom. I hope she knows that there is more to me than the anak manja that she thought I was. I will be okay so she will be okay.

So now I have asthma to add to my health record. I wish I could turn back time and took better care. Tapi dah terlambat. But this is not a death sentence. I just have to find a clever way around it, right?

Thanks Bella, for the pointers. I didn't get around to getting the Tussils. Tapi now I am feeling better from the inhaler and ubat batuk. Tekak pun tak rasa sakit macam hari tu.

Harap-harap esok I will be much better.

ibs

Hari ni, I had a bad case of cherry berry. Kerap kena la. Malam tadi tatau la makan apa. Z takde, makan je apa yang ada kat umah. So not in the mood to go out to the bazaar or the market to get anything.

Tak pergi sekolah. Called in sick despite the fact that I feel guilty for having been away from school for the past week. I was weak, having been to the bathroom 6 times since 4 am. I need to rest. I was dehydrated. Spent the morning resting. Took the pills I still had from that bout of cherry berry when I was in Kuching and drank lots of water. The cat was with me menemankan, as if she knew I was sunyi and depressed and in pain. I took loads of photos of the cat lazily lounging on my stomach. Come to think of it, hari ni je dah berapa photo kucing tu aku dah amik, sebab dia memang suka melepak in my lap, on my stomach, in the crook on my arm when I lie down on the floor. Needy betul kucing ni. Kalau tak sebab sayang dah lama melambung kena campak keluar. Rimas!

I'm glad I had the cherry berry today on my last day of periods. At least I could take the pills and drink lots of water with the salts without feeling guilty.

I am feeling much better in the afternoon and the trips to the bathroom had stopped. There was no water around my area so cooking was out of the question, especially when I was really not in the mood or had the energy for that. So I went out to get some things to eat for berbuka. I know, I am not fasting today yet, but I stuck to the schedule so it wouldn't be too hard for me to get back to fasting when my periods are over.

weekend update

Ku sangka dah habis, rupanya ada lagi.

Kusangka aku dah boleh puasa, rupanya belum lagiks. Tapi hari ni I puasa anyway, cuz I dinch tau, sampailah I got back home dalam kul 8 tadi. Ahaks. Takpe. Kalau I wanted to eat pun, kat mananya kan? Besides, I don't find not eating in the daytime a big deal. The driving around and the shopping just took it all off of my mind, and besides, I had set my mind to fasting mode to be bothered about being hungry.

Bangun pagi tadi kul 5.30. I am very bad at being punctual. I can only be punctual when it is a matter of life and death. Like for PMR or SPM. Everything else can wait. That is so bad, isn't it? I hate that about myself! Oh, but I am seldom late for school. It's just strange.

Anyway, woke up at 5.30... golek-golek malas dulu in bed. Staring at the ceiling and at the things in my room. It's such a mess at the moment, I have a whole Sunday to get everything in order. Promised Mimi that I will be leaving my place at 7 this morning, which means that I will arrive at his place in half an hour after that. And for once, this morning, I was only ten minutes late for my departure. Usually, it would be an hour. Because masa tu la I wanna kemas rumah dulu, then check air and minyak hitam kereta and do the other stuff before I leave the house. Nasib baik I don't wash the car dulu before leaving...

Hari ini, pergi KK, hantar Z balik kampung. Dia nak naik bas. Tapi I thought why not I je hantar dia because it would be after the end of PMR, so I would be able to go for a day out to destress after the 5-day long jaga PMR tu. Ye, dia balik a few days earlier than the rest of us, dah mohon cuti rehat khas (CRK) untuk menguruskan majlis pernikahan dia yang akan berlangsung pada malam Raya nanti. I can only imagine the kind of emotions she is going through right now. Balik dari beraya kali ni, dia sudah jadi isteri orang. Walaupun they would be apart for a while sementara dia apply for a transfer to be with her husband, I don't know it would still be the same. Tadi hantar dia ke airport, kami lepak sampai kul 3.30 and then had to leave in order to be able to reach Sipitang in time for berbuka. I didn't notice that she had tears in her eyes when we left. Mimi did, and he mentioned it later to me in the car. I hope Z didn't feel that I do not appreciate the full extent of her situation, I just hate goodbyes and just wanted it to be done and over with as soon as possible. Even with N pun, I would usually just say goodbye and walk away, not looking back at all. But then again, with Z, I just knew she was just too happy to be married soon, that that particular goodbye this afternoon was no big deal anyway.

Soon she will be united with the man her family chose for her and being the dutiful daughter, she had nurtured the feelings for this man, and I hope their love will flourish and thrive to the end of time.

Sesampainya di KK tadi, weols ingat nak merayau-rayau di Wisma Merdeka. Tapi, today being the last Saturday before Raya, everyone was out in full throttle for their Raya shopping. So there was no parking space left at that place. That must be the place with the best bargains. So we went to CentrePoint instead.

The first thing I did? Went to a shoe store and got myself another pair of the shoes I am so in love with and wore today. It is 4inches high but extremely comfortable, I wore it all day and I could still walk another mile in it. Cewah. Then pergilah merayau-rayau dalam shopping complex tu. Biasalah, orang ramailah, kan? Got some other stuff and temankan si Mimi mencari his stuff. Z got herself another malay love novel from the bookstore and then we were on our way to the airport.

There was a fish shop at the airport and there was a fish tank with exotic fish in it. They were constantly moving, so there was no decent picture of the fish. Just the anemone that was so graceful in the water just waving in the currents.


Amy (we like to call him Mimi) posing in front of the tank. Taste tak? Mak dinch tau, uols!His favorite things to say; "Gadis cantik memang selalu dicemburui." Ko ado? Non ado....!

These are the photos we took today.

Yang kat bawah ni, we took minggu lepas, on Saturday juga. Gila pergi KK kah aku? Entah... agaknya.

Me and Z kat food court at the basement having something for iftar. That phone in my hand is not mine, it belongs to my coursemate kat U dulu, Nat. Next photo is me, Nat and Mimi, at the bowling alley. Then another photo if Z in Mimi's sunnies, and the last one is of Mimi, making that 'aku merenung masa depan' look he loves so much when being photographed. It just makes him looks so adorable, don't you think?

Lepas tinggalkan Z kat airport, kami singgah di Bazaar Ramadhan di Lok Kawi. Kat kem askar. Beli apa... makanan la, apa lagi? Nasi lauk ikan and gulai rebung, kuey teow and laksam lagi. Aku dah pening fikir bila masa la nak makan semua ni. Balik kang aku sorang je kat umah. Lepas tu, kami teruskan perjalanan. Sampai di Sipitang, we stopped for iftar at the usual mamak place. Ala, tak banyak kedai makan di situ. And most of them tak memenuhi citarasa la. And at the moment, we like to have Indian food. I had the lamb curry as usual. And he had kari ikan, and he ordered ke papadam and telur goreng dari mamak tu.

Lepas makan, we went on, I hantar Mimi to his place, kat kuarters sekolahnya. It's a nice flat. I used to go there cuz dulu I had another friend sebelum she moved back to Perak. Dulu she was my housemate. Tapi bila sekolah baru tu dibuka, she was listed to be one of the teachers to teach there, so she had to move there juga.

Lepas hantar Mimi, of course, I had to drive home alone. I have never done that before. My biggest fear driving alone in the dark palm oil estates? Kalau apa-apa hal berlaku to my car, I would be stranded in the middle of nowhere dengan all these pal estate workers all over the place. Dangerous la... Tapi, I just doa la sikit kan, and as I was reaching the junction that leads to the main road keluar dari simpang ke sekolah Mimi, ada lori treler and a kancil headed my way. I pun terus ikut and potong those vehicles. Kalau apa-apa hal berlaku biarlah aku yang ada kat depan, boleh juga mintak tolong kan? Itupun kalau mereka nak berhenti. Siapa nak berhenti kat area macam tu? There had been tales of robbery and murder all along that stretch of road.

I was familiar with the road, I have been through there hundreds of times if not thousands, so I know every bend and curve even in the dark. So, apa lagi, mak bawakla keter tu selaju yang dia mampu with Avril Lavigne singing my favorite in a loop at full blast. Muahahaha! tak sampai setengah jam, sampailah ke rumah.

Alhamdulillah, selamat sejahtera. I credit my safety to my mom's endless prayers for my well-being.

Took everything out of the car and changed, and makan, makan dan makan lagi sambil menonton TV dan menaip blog. Now, watching Capote on Star Movies.

Tadi out of the blue, my cousin called me. Amir, the youngest son of my aunt, my mom's younger sister. I met Amir at the funeral of one of my uncles. Our families had been estranged for a few years now, due to some internal problems. I wish it could be solved. I pray to God. Anyway, we exchanged numbers when I found out that he had been studying in UMS in KK for the past few years, in botany. What can I say, that little boy who used to germinate seeds in wet cotton wool in plastic cups when he was a wee school boy is now a young man still in love with growing things and the science of it all. And he's turned out into a good looking young man as well. I'll post his photo is I have them later, cuz we're meeting at the airport next Thursday. We both are going home on the same day, but different flights.

I have his number, but as always, I never bother calling, sebab I always think that my phone calls for no matter who would be unwelcome. Glad that he called me, though. We talked for a few minutes before hanging up.

I wish we could be like before it happened. I hold no grudge for him. The matter was between his mother and mine. It is just so unfair that we children had to make a stand on whose side we are on.

I hold no grudge on him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sepanjang bulan Ramadhan kali ini, aku lebih rajin memasak dari tahun sebelumnya. Tidaklah aku ambil photos of the food I cooked with Zana every day. Tapi adalah sesekali tu yang aku ambil. Well, to be honest, just 2 kali tu je yang aku ambil. Selalunya biasa-biasa je masakan kami. Tapi ada dua occasion tu yang agak luar basa sikit kuantiti masakannya. Bila tak habis, masuk dalam peti sejuk. The next time, lepas panaskan, dah tak sedap, tapi yang sebenarnya aku ada irritable bowel syndrome so aku agak takut makan masakan yang berpanaskan ni. Takut kena food poisoning, so in the end, buang je la. Membazir, kan? Tapi bukan selalu buat cam tu. Jangan marah mak, nok!

Ni makan untuk 4 orang, oklah sikit. Adalah juga luaknya lauk-pauknya.

Tapi ini....?


Mak makan dengan Z je. Pengsan....

Benda yang wajib ada masa sepanjang bulan puasa kali ini ialah, pegedil ikan, yang Z selalu buat. Tahun lepas, I made them. Tapi tak tahulah kenapa, tahun ni, Z yang rajin nak buat, each time. Then ada sambal belacan, atau sambal tempoyak, petai, ulam-ulam lain, and most important of all, sejag besar sirap ros yang ada biji selasih dan kembang semangkuk. And every night, memang makan nasik. Lauk biasa, masak lemak cili api atau masak kicap. Ada buat black pepper beef, sebab terliur tengok blog di Bella yang memaparkan kesedapan black pepper beef sebuah gerai di bazaar ramadhan kat sana tu.

Sini pun ada juga bazaar ramadhan. Lauk-pauk dan kuih-muihnya memang sedap, tapi sebab dah bertahun-tahun kat sini, weols tengok, sama je, so tibalah masanya untuk rajin sikit memasak untuk memenuhi kehendak tekak ni yang dah lama merindui masakan semenanjung. Lagipun bagus juga, kan? Ke bazaar tu untuk beli kuih atau beli air linchikang je. Atau umai. Sebab umai ni, kalau sekali buat, I mesti terbuat banyak. Tak pernah lagi berbuang sebelum ni. Tapi sebab gatal kan? Beli je seringgit. Muahahaha....!

Tapi tiba je hari Rabu, mesti kami ke Sipitang, ajak Mimi sekali. Pergi ke bazaar di Sipitang, beli kuih-muih then pergi kedai mamak tu. Mamak tu suka betul bila tengok kami. Kadang, dia bagi tembikai free. Hari tu dia masakkan telur ikan special for us. Manalah tak sukanya, kalau tengok selera makan masing-masing mengalahkan gladiator.

Kalau tak pergi Sipitang, dua tiga malam ni ada juga ke masjid ikut tarawikh. Bukan aku nak tunjuk alim. Kalau korang nak tahu, aku ni dah 10 tahun tak pergi tarawikh. Tahun ni aku rasa terpanggil untuk ke masjid melaksanakan solat sunat tu secara berjamaah. Memang N ada juga menyuruh aku ke masjid untuk tarawikh. Tapi sebenarnya selama ni, tahun demi tahun, aku menantikan kalau-kalau ada orang yang nak mengajak aku ke masjid. Tapi tak ada pun. Bukan aku nak menyalahkan sesiapa dalam hal ni, tapi dengan reputasi aku sebagai 'orang jahat' kat pekan ni, thanks to some mulut puaka penabur fitnah yang gigih (pasangan suami isteri pulak tu) aku agak phobia nak menunjuk muka di masjid pekan ni sebab bimbang orang akan mengata aku yang bukan-bukan. Pengikutnya bukan sedikit. Aku takut dikatakan berpura-pura. tapi aku lupa, yang aku tak sepatutnya takut pada mereka. Aku patut lebih takut akan Tuhan, dan sayangkan diri dengan mendekatkan diri dengan Allah. Bukannya lagi melarikan diri daripada sesuatu yang aku tak nampak. So tahun ni, aku gagahkan diri, dan untuk malam pertama aku ke masjid tu, aku tebalkan muka, manalah tahu kalau-kalau terjumpa koncho-koncho orang itu. Alhamdulillah, bila aku pergi ke sana dengan rela hati, I found out yang the experience had a calming effect on me and I had a very good time menjalankan solat sunat tu secara berjemaah. Aku tak sabar untuk mula berpuasa semula esok supaya aku dapat ke masjid untuk ikut tarawikh lagi. Kali ni Z tak ada untuk ikut aku pergi. Aku akan ajak Lini dan Zura pulak, kalau mereka sudi.

Malam esok, maybe I will settle with spaghetti je for berbuka, mungkin sampai Khamis when it is time for me to fly home. I will be alone these last few days sebelum balik kampung, so takde berapa semangat sangat nak masak-masak for berbuka. I doubt that I will buy anything from the bazaar. So kalau nak makan nasik, nanti I will have to go to the market la cari fish and chicken.

Oh, I don't do sahur. Not because of anything. I just find that I would get stomach discomfort and feel lethargic throughout the day if I do. When I was younger, my parents would force me to wake up in the middle of the morning and with my eyes still closed, I would force myself to eat. My dad selalu marah me, teruk sangat kaki tidurnya sampai suruh sahur pun boleh sahur sambil mata tertutup. Masa kat asrama, kawan-kawan ajak bersahur. Kalau tak bangun, digegarnya katil. And aktiviti petang kat sekolah berjalan macam biasa, so kenalah sahur. Tapi bila dah masuk U, tinggal dengan family, my parents dah tak paksa me makan sahur lagi lepas beberapa kali memaksa dan tengok I okay puasa tanpa sahur. Tapi, my mom said, masa bujang ni okaylah tak nak sahur, tapi kalau dah berumahtangga, dapat pulak husband yang mesti sahur, susah la nanti. I think I will find a way to handle that. We humans are remarkable beings who can adapt to just about anything, right?

Random Photo

Z and I bought a pair of almost identical sandals at the tamu in Sipitang. Gambar ni weols amik masa hadir majlis berbuka puasa dan tarawikh di sekolah sempena Ramadhan.
Guess which of these are my feet. Siapa betul saya bagi limaposen.
W, no prize for the right answer.

Tahun ni, I ketua PMR, tapi I tak buat claim. Malas. So I hantar semua claims anak-anak buah except for mine. There was no objections from my Penyelia Kawasan, takpelah tu kan? Mesti mereka gembira sebab ada kurang sorang buat claims.

Random Photo 2

Ni photo I took of my and Cyril, masa balik dari Limbang after having attended the Taklimat Pengendalian PMR di PPG.
Kenapa ada banyak? Suka hati aku la, bukan pakai filem pun. Lagipun bukan patah pun jari korang memetik butang tu kan? Taklah, I just wanted to display the many faces of Cyril.
He is such a pleasant person to be with. Oh, he's got a girlfriend dah, uols. Jangan nak verangans, occay?

Esok, Ahad. Aku tahulah kau tahu. Tapi esok aku nak iron baju kerja, lipat baju dan kemas rumah. Adalah benda nak buat to distract me from the fact that I am all alone in this big house for the next few days.

Okaylah, adik-adik dan kawan-kawan. Dah kul 1 lebih ni. I nak mandi, esok nak puasa. Nak tarawikh macam umat Islam lain. Harap uols dapat menghadapi puasa dengan tabah dan beroleh keberkatan atas segala amalan uols sepanjang bulan mulia ni.

Betul orang kata, nak buat baik tu tak susah. Semudah nak buat jahat. Yang pentingnya, hati.

pagi ini

It's 5.09am and I have just posted my third entry for the evening. And I have not gotten a wink of sleep. Am I crazy?

I am gonna get a shower and get dressed. I am so gonna be in trouble at the briefing. Janganlah aku asyik tersengguk-sengguk at the briefing nanti. Or maybe something even worse would happen having talked badly of a person on my blog.

Is that guilt? Perhaps. But I am relieved, at least. For having listed down the why's of my abhorring that person whom I used to share bathrooms with.

I miss my mom. I miss my sister. I miss home. I wanna go home and be the daughter and sister again even just for a while. This business of being the tyrant is losing its lustre. For the time being. Because it is September and it's just a few weeks before the end of the school year and I am bogged down with burdens seen and unseen. I can't wait for it to be over so I can start all over again. Clean slate.

Apa ke'jad'nya aku cakap pasal clean slate subuh-subuh buta ni?

Okay, I need to mandi and solat subuh. Banyak dosa nak ditebus, as you can see.

Enjoy!

boil

J said something about 'membuka peking di dada' in her comments for me. I am not upset with her, because I know where she is coming from with that. She is not the type yang suka bising-bising about the embarrassing things in her life. But I am not like her.

I am not saying that I like to canang the realities of my life that are sometimes not too pleasant. But then again, I am the type who can't keep things bottled up. I don't like talking about things with any of my colleagues, even my housemates because I don't connect with anyone on that level.

I need to rant and curse and be mad and break everything down to smaller pieces until I am satisfied. Only then I can move on with my life. That's why I wrote N so many letters, ranting about stuff when I was having that difficult time with him. He responded to most of them his very calm and collected way, that gets to me even more. I stopped bothering as the anger subsided.

But I think J was referring to the bit where I wrote the open letter to her about that guy who decided to pop back into her life now that she is happily married. In the process, I have even managed to include my sordid affair with a married guy.

Let me tell you, while I may never forgive myself for being so weak, I might forget my mistakes and go all 'mightier than thou' preaching mode. But I never for once, condoned what I had done and I have included that sorry bit of my life in the letter so that she would be able to learn how shitty it made me feel and how shitty it sounds coming from your best friend, so that she would never ever even think about rekindling anything with anyone who was never meant to be. No matter how hard things are gonna be between her and Ameen, I just want this sad, sad 'pekung di dada' of my life to be an example. That it could happen to the most 'hati besi' kind of person. That it is so easy to succumb to pleas. To feel sorry for people who are so-called living in misery with the family he already had. It was a different case with JEB. But still, now that it has happened, no matter what I do or say to myself to make me feel better about it, I will never feel the same way I did before.

That was why, I feel more than elated when someone did come along to slap me back into sense and actually tell me not to go ahead with such foolishness and come back to reality.

Shameful, shameful blight of my past, but I need to put it in here so that I will remember. I know J doesn't need it. But I need it. So the so-called opening of the boils on my chest had to be done, so that hopefully, I will be humbled into realizing that not everything is in black and white because humans are complex beings and no matter how hard you try, you will stumble, but after all the pain is gone, you have to pick yourself up and face the world and make the best of what you have learned.

I always learn it best the hard way.

So you see, it wasn't for J, really. It was for me because I never want to be in that dark place in my life again.

girly girl

You Can Hang With the Guys and the Girls

You've struck a good balance between girlie and laid back. You can keep it casual but when you dress up, you are as girly as the next girl.

How Feminine Are You?

virgo

You are 67% Virgo

How Virgo Are You?

3 days

This week.

A reminder before I go ahead with rambling about the mundane details of my life; I do not claim to be anyone of importance, and I do not claim to be the most accomplished person there is on earth. This is my blog, and as long as I am not causing any damage to anyone else, please don't go judging me for nothing.

I am lazy again, in making entries for my blog, as we can already see. Well, I am just plain lazy sometimes, most of the time, maybe. So, there is nothing more that I can say to explain why that my entries can be too many sometimes and sporadic and almost non-existent at other times.

Oh well...

Friday;

A guy from the village who also trims the school's yard, came to see me at school and, I am guessing that it was an awkward issue, which is not!

(Awkwardly trying to make eye-contact)"Why are there so many school kids at the park at the moment?"

"Really? Well, why didn't you say so earlier?"

I went to get my disciplinary teacher, and we got into my car and drove there. On the way, I say my other disciplinary teacher who took some time to pick up his toddler from play school. Aren't we flexible on that?

We were trying to round them kids up but the tactics were a little off, so most of them got away. But we got two girls. I took the DT's motorbike which he took to get his kid from play school and I rode it like a scrambler, fishing the kids out of the bushes. Maneuvering my way all over the place. It was exhilarating because I have always loved riding any kind of motorbike and I get to test my rusty so-called skills with it.

Still, I wish we had talked over the tactics first, before proceeding. Well, at least those two girls sang... they sang like canaries on steroid. So we got all the names of those escapees. Man, that makes the school sound like a prison!

The thing is, it is sad that the villagers are not doing anything about it. So I took it as my responsibility to be the kid wranglers when I am needed to be.

No, I doubt that that was the first time that they had played truant and spent their time at the park. I am disappointed in my school guards, I am disappointed in the parents in the village and most of all, I am disappointed in myself.

So don't go thinking that I am proud of anything.

On of the girls' mother came to school with his uncles when she heard that her daughter was being herded like sheep by the famous nutcase teacher who is me.

She was not very happy with her daughter playing truant with some boys at the park whom she doesn't even know the real name of so she scolded her daughter in front of me. I know, she feels guilty that her daughter was caught being bad, so I assured her that I am not blaming her per se cuz the kids have grown up a bit and they should know better. But just when I heard and saw how her daughter responded to her mom's reprimands, I yelled at the girl, right then and there,

"You better not talk to your mother like that, girl, or I am gonna wash that dirty mouth of yours with soap and water. If it weren't for her, you won't even see the light of day!"

That had made her mom shed tears. I didn't mean to be so brutally honest, but I wanted to remind that girl what does it mean to be a mother.

Anyway, those kids, that is not the first offense and they have done other minor things again and again and everything is on record. I have enough evidence and after a brief discussion, it was agreed that they should be suspended for 5 school days followed by compulsory 3 sessions with the school counselor upon their return to school.

And there were also some kids who were caught smoking on school grounds. They were also suspended.

I left for the day sometime close to 1pm. It was Friday. We never stay at school till 4 on Fridays. Besides, the intensive training for PSKPP netball was due to start at 3 that day.

Then after lunch, I went home, showered, changed and went for intensive practice. While at practice, I called the Coordinator for the Youth2Youth program I am supposed to be facilitating that evening. He said the program is gonna start at 7pm. I said OK, I'd be there. After practice, I went straight home. Relaxed for a little bit. Then felt inspired to spend a few minutes on the Orbitrek. Then I went to my room, showered and slept. I was woken at 8.00pm, and I remembered the program I was supposed to attend. Oh...My... GAWD!

I am such an absent-minded person! I assure you that I am ashamed of myself here. Very ashamed.

I just continued sleeping. I was tired from the day's activities anyway and decide to make amends the next day.

FYI, I have already informed the coordinator that I will be part of the program, but I have to attend to my core business first. He understood that, what with the exams, the preparations for the matchin Kuching and the sekolah ganti on Saturdays.

Saturday;

Went to school for sekolah ganti. More parents came to school concerning the suspensions. They all said basically the same thing; my son didn't do it. And I said basically the same things; Yeah right! I know your kids, how they are at school and how they are at home and even though they are not the devils themselves, yet, I do believe that striking while the iron is still hot is the best thing to do in most cases.

I showed them their children's records and I assured them that the punishment is not meant to make them feel less of a human, but so that they would have time to think for themselves what life is all about and playing truant and smoking is not gonna help them get to where they wanna be in 10 years time.

And yeah, I have witnesses. And yes, I have records of past crimes that I had shown to them. So even if they admit later that they did not do any of those things that was mentioned in the letter, we are going to overlook that. And one parent also asked me to put his son in detention and not let him go home till later that day.

But we discussed about more things and they basically agreed with me.

I know. If I was in a city school, I would have been on the guillotine by now. I know.... I am lucky.

Got to town, and stopped by out usual lunch place but before we had the chance to go to the restaurant, this familiar looking guy called me over to the eating place he was sitting at. It would probably have been rude to say 'No', when he had stood up to make himself seen. So, I said OK and took a seat at the next table with Z.

I was still wondering who he really is, and I even managed to take his photo so I can take it to my school and ask my principal. When he was done, he came to our table with his friend and took his seat next to me. And he started talking and I realized, he was the dad of one of the kids I had suspended that day. HAHAHAHAHAH!

Talk about nervous laughter.

Anyway, he was not mad at me. He knew his kid can be a little hyperactive and troublesome and I did say, I am not sorry for doing what I do at the school because I do firmly believe in nipping things at the bud, while it still matters. Before it is blown out of control.

He said he agrees with me 100%. And he expects me to be firm with his kids and everyone else's. Then after a few more minutes of banter, he excused himself and went on with his business with his partner.

And he paid for our lunch.

Ahahahahahaha.....

Went for practice, they suggested that I ask for a sponsorship from the YB for the team. I have never done that before in my life, but I guess there is a first time for everything. So I am gonna write that letter tonight. And we hung out over tea and coffee afterwards.

Then went home, showered and dressed and went to the Community hall for the Y2Y program by the YB Henry. It was self-reflection that night. The lights were turned off and the only voice you can hear is Dewa's. Oh, he is not some deity. He is just the guy from the Kementerian Belia dan Sukan.

Anyway, he made some tough-looking boys cry their eyes out.

That was that.

Went home, showered (yes, the hall was bloody hot, I was soaking wet from my own sweat, of course I had to shower again) and went to bed after checking my e-mail.

Still nothing from N.

Oh, I told him I was not going, in my e-mail. And if he goes to Lawas and calls me and finds me in Kuching instead, I am just gonna play stupid. He never asks about my plans. Why should I tell him mine?

Wait, wait. I am not trying to make his life harder than it already is. He never asked. He forgets about me. Why should I bother him with the minute details of my life? He doesn't care. Why should I?

Well, that is my assumption based on the 2-week-long silence so far. I wrote him an e-mail asking if I should go to Kuching or not and he hasn't replied yet! Been 5 days. So I wrote him again, and said nevermind, because I am not going. While in actuality, I am. I don't need him to know that I would be close by and making him think I am gonna be there because of him.

I am so not.

I don't think being in love makes you feel like you are perpetually waiting for something that will never be. I really wonder what the fuck he is trying to do here.

Imagine... he last told me that he wanted to see me last May to renew his love for me, siap called me at home pagi-pagi buta! And what the hell is 'renewing' your love means? I didn't think there was an expiry date for love.

We didn't meet then. Why? Because I KNEW HE WOULD BE SHITTILY BUSY. But what grates me most is the fact that he knew that but still said that he will find time to see me, giving me false hope.

Then last June, he said he was coming. But when the time comes, he didn't. He was the one one text me saying that he was coming earlier than expected, that after I text him saying that it would be a year since we last met, soon, in a month time.

Yes, that was to remind him how long it has been in case he forgot, being busy and important. You know?

Fine, you're busy. OK.

You know what? I feel like he is lying to me. Why does he want to go on lying to me again and again?

Am I expecting too much?

IT'S BEEN ONE FUCKING YEAR for God's sake. I greeted him Happy One Year on text! What t he fuck is that?

I am not expecting too much.

He once told me that I should not have high expectations for the man of my life, no matter who he is.

I don't have high expectations. But I do have some sort of expectation! Mana boleh takde expectation langsung? I am not a mannequin.

Pleaselah, how can you not have any expectation of the man you are supposed to be in love with? Get real.

I really do wish he reads this blog so he could at least understand what kind of shitty person I think he is. But I guess if he did, he would just die out of heartbreak. Maybe that would be for the best. I just want to get things over with, and I am not going to break up with him over the phone.

I am not wishing that he is dead, literally. Can't you see I am angry? Shut up!

I have tried ignoring this feeling, but it keep cropping up! Yes, I am beginning to hate him again.

Jim is right. I should not pretend to be someone I am not. And if he thinks he can just run away every time I say or do anything that hurts his feelings, he is wrong. I will be me and no matter how hard I try not to be, there will be times when I'd slip and hurt his feelings. Is he gonna run for the hills every time that happens? Gila ke apa?

Oh he is so sensitive... OF HIS OWN FEELINGS. Not of others.

I am here to see where things are and once I am sure, I will make my move. Bercinta dengan orang crazily eccentric, inilah jadinya. Sabar je lah, kan?

There.

Sunday;

Set my alarm to go at 6.00am. But when it went off, reset it to 6.45am. Tried to get some more sleep. Failed. Got up and showered at 6.30am.

Went for breakfast of mee basah with extra sawi. Ended up eating just the sawi. Went to the hall.

The program was fun. Aerobics, Poco-poco dance, and other stuff. And then I had some time to try Dewa's Kawasaki Easy-rider. 750cc. It was freedoom. I rode all the way to Lawas Damit and back to town. I love how it made me feel.

This jack ass at the program, kept bugging me. He keeps getting to my nerves all through the program. So later at lunch, after the prize-giving ceremony, I sat there eating my lunch and I talked to everyone else except him. And he called my name. Without looking at him, busily fiddling with my digital camera, deleting every photo with him in it, I said,

"I'm sorry. I don't feel like talking to you at the moment. Please stop trying."

"Such a snob."

"No, not a snob, I can be nice. But I expect you to be nice too. But since you have been doing your best in making me mad at you all through the day, I don't think I need to be nice to you."

Everyone at the table was tense and quiet. Probably thinking I am the bitch, I guess. Which is cool.

He just shut up and ignored me afterwards. Hoo yay!

Yes, I am a nasty, nasty person.

Program over, handed the letter for the YB to the coordinator, he promised to contact me tomorrow. Let's keep or fingers crossed. We go do some shopping tomorrow if we do get the sponsorship.

Home again.

Alone in the livingroom with the door open, the ceiling fan and TV on, and writing on my laptop about the day's activities.

I am done for the day. Maybe I will write again tonight. But at the moment, I am sleepy. I am going to take a nap. Then do my laundry when I wake up later.

dilemma

Should I go or should I stay?

I am torn...

going

It is confirmed. I am going to Kuching. Hmm....

tapi itu minggu depan. I will worry about that later. Petang ni aku nak pergi Sipitang. Last time nak berdinner dengan kawan serumah yang akan berpindah esok.

Will sambung blogging malam ni.

I love you all.

terkinja-kinja kah aku?

You Are An Attention Seeker

You're only human, so you can't help but want a little attention every now and then. You love the spotlight, but only when it's well deserved. You'd hate to be known for the wrong thing. And you also don't mind sharing the spotlight. You can easily give someone else credit or a complement. You know there's enough attention to go around, and it makes you happy when your friends shine. You come across as: Friendly and interesting People may wrongly think you're: A little more modest than you actually are!

Are You An Attention Whore?

me? lacking sleep?

You Sometimes Don't Get Enough Sleep

You're often more tired than you'd like, and you're probably not getting enough quality sleep. Sleeping a little more could make you a lot more energetic and happy. Try having a bedtime, keep your bedroom cool, and only eat fruit before bed.

Do You Get Enough Sleep?

am i really?

You Are Pretty Happy

You generally have a happy, fulfilling life. But things could be a little better, and deep down, you know it. Maybe you need more supportive friends or a more challenging career. Something is preventing you from being totally happy. You just need to figure out what it is!

How Happy Are You, Really?

personality disorders

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

I am not too worried about the others, just the part where it says I love myself too much? Do I really? Dear God, save me! I can't be that bad!

nanges

Pernah tak anyone of you feel like, no matter how hard you try, you are still useless?

Hari ni aku rasa macam tu.

Malam tadi, tak pergi isi minyak kereta, so aku lambat sampai sekolah hari ni. Mana ada gas station 24 hours kat sini? Kalau dia bukak 6.40 pagi tu dah awal abis la tu. So, aku sampai sekolah kul 7.05. Lewat nak mampus la tu. Seingat aku dalam sejarah aku kat sekolah ni aku tak pernah lewat macam tu sekali just because nak isi minyak punya pasal. Tapi I knew I was going to be late, so I had called my boss earlier telling him that I would be late because of that. Lagipun bagus juga aku nak test my prefects kat sekolah tu, kalau mereka mampu buat kerja mengurus perhimpunan tu kalau takde mulut aku yang macam petir ni nak ajar mereka every step of the way every week. Hari tu aku dah kasi basuh mereka pun sebab kasi malu company every week. Alhamdulillah, mereka nampak lebih proaktif lepas kena marah dengan aku dan aku briefing mereka masa mesyuarat prefects. Just goes to show that mereka sebenarnya mampu buat kerja. Aku je yang tak cukup tegas dalam menangani guru-guru pengawasku, oleh itu ianya will reflect on me. Tapi nampaknya pagi tadi Pengetua puas hati dengan performance mereka minggu ini, siap puji kat assembly lagi.

Orang tengah berhimpun kat lapangan tu aku baru park kereta. Malu dan kesian kat Z sebab dia yang tumpang aku pun lewat sekali. Siap pulak Z tak rapatkan pintu kereta, dan bila aku picit alarm kereta tu berbunyi. Adoi... lagi nak buat inconspicuous, terus jadi popular pulak. Takpelah, dah lewat tu, akui kesalahan dan jangan buat lagi la kan? Lagipun pihak sekolah dah tahu yang aku takkan sengaja lengah-lengah pergi kerja.

Hari ni aku takde kelas nak mengajar. Just satu period, luar sidang, right after school. The day before, aku dah keluarkan jadual penggambaran untuk semua warga sekolah. Aku bercadang nak habiskan menggambar semua orang hari ni dan esok. Pagi tadi aku managed habiskan semua kelas, semua persatuan dan kelab, semua pengawas sekolah dan asrama, semua bekas pengawas (sebab tahun lepas tak buat magazine sekolah, kesian lak kat mereka) and semua senior Form 5. Aku target habis sampai senior kelas akhir, tapi sebab schedule aku dah set jam 8.00 pagi tadi tapi ada parent datang atas sebab surat panggilan dari aku dan ketua warden, so terpaksa aku lambatkan waktu bermulanya. Aku start kul 8.30pagi.

Kenapa aku yang sibuk ambil gambar ni? Bukan tugas aku. Tapi aku minat. Dan aku ada digital camera. Lagipun budak-budak ni tak dengar cakap orang sebaik mereka dengar cakap sesetengah cikgu kat sekolah ini dan terutama sekali aku (riak kah aku?) tapi itulah hakikatnya. So lebih baik aku yang buat daripada aku asyik arah orang tapi tak tentu hujung ke pangkalnya dan benda ni tak siap-siap. Lagipun aku kan ketua penerbitan majalah sekolah. I better do it.

Esok aku nak ambik foto cikgu-cikgu baru dan yang tercicir dari sesi lepas, dan makcik-makcik tukang masak juga!

Tadi balik, aku hantar Z pergi ambil gambar. Dia nak pos kat tunang dia sebab tunang dia nak isi borang nikah. Then aku hantar dia ke Pejabat Pos. Then aku hantar dia balik. Then aku keluar balik. Aku pergi workshop untuk baiki tutup lubang minyak kereta aku, dah seminggu rosak, sebab aku dah hampir bawak balik nozzle minyak tu sebab aku ingat dia pump attendant tu dah siap isi minyak kereta aku, bila dia mintak duit. What was I thinking about sampai leka begitu? Dah la menda tu senget tak leh nak masuk rapat semula. C cakap, kalau budak khianat, dia bukak kasi masuk pasir, naya la aku. Tapi alhamdulillah, mereka tak perasan. Yang nampak pun, siap tolong tekan-tekan kasi rapat lagi. Tadi repair sikit je terus OK balik cam biasa. Then aku suruh dia cabutkan serpihan skirting kereta aku yang masih terscrew erat kat kereta aku lepas insiden skirting makan jalan dua bulan lepas sampai tercabut terus the lower part tu! Seram aku. Tapi aku tetap berlakon selamba. Sebenarnya aku dah lama nak buang skirting tu sebab menyusahkan. Jalan kat kampung ni ada parts yang macam kubang kerbau, especially now that they are menaitaraf jalan in some parts. Kalau hujan lebat the night before, memang la kereta aku tu jadi 4WD walaupun dia hanya sebuah sedan yang uzur. Dan, kereta aku ni dah rupa cam 4WD keluar dari Ba'Kelalan. Comot yarabbi! Tapi kat carwash, takde electric, so water jet tak dapat guna. Orang tu tunjuk kat aku air kuar dari hos cam kencing kucing je. Aku rasa baik la aku buat benda lain dari melangut kat carwash tu, menunggu turn.

Apa? Cuci kereta sendiri kat umah? Er... apa makna tu? Tak paham la. *berlakon tak faham*.

Bila balik umah, aku tengok C and Z ada kat ruang tamu. Selalunya Z akan meluru naik ke bilik. Bukan apa, dia suka sendirian, lagipun dia suka colling colling dengan tunang dia. So, lebih senang kalau dia di bilik je. Untuk privacy, kan? C would usually be working on her computer ke apa ke. Lain je mereka petang tadi. Aku pun sidai la baju aku yang dalam bakul tu. Aku terlupa nak sidai. Sambil tu aku dengar je la apa yang mereka cakap.

Rupanya C nak pindah rumah.

...

Aku tak terkejut actually. Lately pun dia muram je. Aku rasa marah kat aku kot? Sebab aku kena sindrom pemalas lately. I guess dia dah tak sanggup lagi tinggal with me? I guess.

I know I am insufferable. Aku tanya adik aku, dia kata tak. Aku tanya kawan rapat, maybe dia pun takut kena kunyah sampai mati kot? Pun kata tak. Ye lah, takkan kalau aku tanya dia terus luahkan segala-malanya tentang kebencian dia terhadap aku?

Well, it is safe for me to surmise, since that I know myself better than the rest of the world, that I am in fact, insufferable. Ha, Bella, ni baru betul membuka pekung di dada.

Why did I say that? Sebab bulan lepas, sorang housemate aku pindah ke rumah selang 4 pintu from here. Erm... sebab? Banyak sebab. Tapi sampai pindah umah tu, takkan tak cukup serious lagi kan? Dia cakap pun dengan secara casual je masa selisih atas tangga. Aku pun kalau orang dah buat camtu, I will not say anything. Sebab dah dewasa, so pandai la buat keputusan sendiri. I do think she would be happier at the new place anyway sebab orang-orangnya semua very patient and forgiving and almost angelically perfect, unlike me. No, that is not jealousy. It is a fact. Like I said, I do think that she would be better off living with them, instead of staying with me and being miserable.

The biggest misconception people have of me is that I am nice. I'm not.

Sure, I wave at every pakcik van yang sudi wave at me when we past each other on the road. Siap angkat-angkat lampu lagi. I would be great fun when we go shopping, cuz I have all these silly ideas and I do have this knack with uplifting other people's spirit and self-esteem. I am adventurous when it comes to making a trip into the unknown. I tak takut balik lewat-lewat malam, driving dari KK. 10.00 malam baru sampai umah ini. I agree itu bukan berani namanya. It is called being foolhardy. But I have faith in God. And I believe in my mother's constant prayer for my safety. And when I am in town, I just realized semenjak I stopped going everywhere alone, semenjak ada housemates, that people still wave and say hi to me when they see me in town. When I sit at a restaurant mana-mana, I would be waving at people here and there, sebab mereka say hi to me. Takkan I tak jawab, kan?

Tapi itu lah, they don't live with me to know what a monster I can be. Well, maybe not a monster. Tapi someone whom you will not like when you learn the truth about that person. You know what I mean?

Itu pasal, kalau ada pilihan, I would rather be alone. Stay alone in this house. Tapi semenjak tinggal di pekan ni, I thought, I should be giving myself a chance with living with other people and learn to live with other people's quirks and not expect people to be as perfect as I would like them to be. So I did.

Dulu OK. It was all laughter and happy moments and fun and sweet memories. Tapi I think lately I have turned into a heartless monster. What is wrong with me?

I do feel sorry for these people. Bukan mereka ni jahat ke apa ke. Tapi lately I just feel like I tak perlu jaga hati orang. Ye ke? Tak.... bukan macam tu.

I have a problem when it comes to saying things heart to heart. It is easier for me to write a letter berjela-jela. Tapi when it comes to saying it out, I'd rather not. I'd rather let the bisul jadi kudis and then jadi pekung. Sampai jadi masalah besar. Sampai dah tak boleh nak repair lagi masalah tu, sampai mereka akan cari jalan keluar sendiri. Bukan aku tak nak berbincang. Tapi kalau aku berbincang, aku akan sama ada mengamuk, hilang punca, hilang hujah, atau aku menangis. Aku tak nak create a scene. So daripada aku make things more complicated, baik aku diam je. I am not making anything better, but at least I am not making anything worse.

Maybe that's what N is feeling when we were having that misunderstanding?

Itu lagi satu kes. Aku tahu sangat aku ni monster. Tak mungkin N sedar apa masalah yang dia akan hadapi bila bersama aku nanti. Jadi aku tak kisah kalau dia dan aku tak menjadi. Biarlah, kalau dia sekadar nak main-main pun. At least he wouldn't know what lurks in the murky depths.

Takkan aku nak bagitau dia aku ni jahat? Biar putus je...

Now, C nak pindah. Dia kata boss dia sindir-sindir kata macam-macam kat sekolah tadi. So dia terpaksa pindah dok dekat dengan sekolah dia. Tapi C dah lama murung. Tak happy macam selalu. I noticed that. Tapi I don't know what to say to make things right. So in the end, I just keep my mouth shut and pretent like everything is okay.

Sampai today, dia kata dia nak pindah. I guess she has had enough...

Well, at least she would save a lot when she stays kat sana. Tak macam kat sini, macam-macam bills dia kena kongsi with us. And she won't have a housemate from hell like me to make her life miserable. She will be more peaceful there.

Kenapa I write this here? Sebab aku tak tau nak tulis kat mana lagi. Nak simpan dalam hati? Aku tak pandai simpan dalam hati. Apa pun semua aku nak cerita. Sebab aku tak boleh simpan. Sebab nanti aku kena Tourette Syndrome. Terjerit sana, terjerit sini. Dan, daripada aku pi bagitau kat kawan-kawan sekerja yang akan jadikan senjata against me, baik la aku bagi tau dunia je terus kan?

C? Dia tak baca blog ni. Dulu ada sekali dua kut. Tapi lepas tu I guess banyak sangat benda merapu, she stopped. Tapi kalau dia baca pun tak salah. Dia tak salah dalam hal ni. Aku yang salah. At least she would know what was going on in my head when she was busy packing her things downstairs.

I went out for dinner with Z. C tak nak ikut. She's busy packing. Dia kata dia nak pindah Khamis ni. Tapi dia packing macam nak pindah esok. That's C. She is always up-to-date with everything. When we came back, she had already gotten her mattress from my room that she keeps folded under my bed in the day time. Nasib baik the landlady kasi single bed. I ak suka kongsi katil with anyone other than my sister. Sebab I suka mengigau and I tak nak ter'terajang' orang atau terpeluk dengan penuh kasih anyone who shares my bed in one of my episodes. Nasib baik C okay about the sleeping arrangement.

I tak tanya pun kalau dia berani tidur in the livingroom sorang-sorang. Dia bukannya berani tidur sorang. Itu pasal she sleeps in my room. I guess she has had enough of me? Kenapa aku tak tanya? Sebab kalau tanya pun takkan dia nak angkut tilam dia naik atas balik? I doubt she would do that anyway.

So, I assume that it is better for me to pretend like nothing is happening?

Aku buntu.

But I guess it is too late already anyway. She is leaving. The least I can do for her is not make her feel guilty about leaving. About what? Tatau...

See? I am better as an entity you pass by in your life, but not as a life companion. I don't deserve to have friends. That's why I keep most people at arm's length, because knowing me, means to hate me.

That's why, I am saying, no matter what I do at work, I still feel useless as a human being.

atit 2

Today my back feels better. Way better. I can walk up straight. Well, straighter than yesterday. I had no class to teach today, so I went to the village clinic. The MA wanted to prescribe me with painkillers. I knew that is not gonna help any since I am not gonna take it anyway. So I guess I will just grin and bear the pain for another day or two.

I am making great progress. The last time I had it, I couldn't even move out of bed. This time, I am getting better by the third day. That is a good thing. I am hoping to get back to normal by Thursday.

don't worry

He likes to say, "Don't worry, I'll find a way."

Does he honestly believe that I will actually believe that he will actually make an effort to actually come here and see me after 11 months? That is one month shy of a year. Dude? Are you that out of touch with beings called women?

Besides, I am not worried. Not at all. It is better if he doesn't come at all anyway. He can wait till he is retired, so it is easier for me to leave him.

Don't worry, my ass.

p/s : I say horrible things when I am angry. I am insufferable. I know, admitting does not make it any better. At least I don't say it to his face.