Thursday, October 4, 2007

ibu and W

Mak jaga PMR.

Ketua la, cam selalu. Tahun ni mak malas nak jaga SPM sebab tahun lepas, jaga SPM punya pasal, mak balik kampung 2 minggu je. Kesian mak mak! Mak sedey buat cenggitu kat dia. Walaupun mak ni ala-ala derhaka, tapi sebenarnya kalau hal-hal balik kampung ni, kalau dapat, mak akan cuba balik and stay lama sikit, sebab time-time macam tu memang di tunggu-tunggu oleh family mak. Mak mak tu pun, walaupun kami selalu berselisih faham, kalau mak jauh ni, selalu dia calling calling tanya khabar mak. Mak mana tak sayangkan anak, kan?

It's a miracle that my mom can still love someone like me. I don't know why la my relationship with my mom tu tak sama macam mother daughter relationship lain yang I know of. I know some girls memang rapat dengan mom diorang. I have no idea what kind of relationship I would like to have with my mom, but I think what I used to have or am having with her right now could be better. Not for my sake, but for her. Nak kata cuz I am young and will live longer than she would, mana tahu bila ajal maut tu kan? But because she is my mother, I should be more tolerant of her wiles, now that she is getting on with her years. I know. I have tried. These past few years sesi perang mulut dah agak berkurangan, I think. You think so too, tak, W? Tapi from time to time, especially kalau dah lama balik kampung tu, mesti ada time yang kami bertekak. Kesian my mom.

One day we had a big fight, sampai my mom tak nak hantar me to the airport when it was time for me to leave again. My mom, kalau sihat and takde apa masalah mesti come along hantar ke airport bila time I nak balik ke Lawas. Tapi that time, dia kecik ati sangat with me, dia tak nak ikut. I sedeyla. Tapi nak buat cemana, kengkadang ada juga benda yang my mom buat yang I tak setuju and bila dah macam tu, alamat la terlanjur mulut Joyah mak ni. Dah terlanjur tu, kena la tunggu gunung berapi tu tenteram dulu baru dapat mintak ampun balik. Lepas a few days mak kat sekolah, my mom calling-calling, macam takde apa-apa je. Dia tanya khabar. Mak pun layan cam biasa, ketawa-ketawa lagi. Macam tu je la selalunya kami berdua.

Mak sayang mak mak. Tapi mulut mak ni yang tak sayang diri sendiri. Tau kan pepatah melayu tu yang berbunyi.... entah. Apa tah bunyinya. Pandai-pandai korang la. Mak tau la mak cikgu tapi malas la nak ngajar korang Sastera Melayu lak dalam ni. Mak majored in English Literature kat uni dulu. Muak ak ak ak....!

Tapi yang sedihnya is W. Adik mak seorang tu. Last time mak ada misunderstanding dengan mak mak tu, dia la yang sedey, sebab dia tak sanggup memilih pihak mana yang dia nak sokong sebab dua-dua dia sayang. Mak tau. Mak paham. Mak pun rasa cam tu gak masa kecik-kecik dulu bila mak mak and arwah ayah mak buat-buat perang dunia kat umah. Mak selalu sedih and risau tahap tenuk kalau mak and ayah mak bergaduh. Mak selalu fikir sendiri, kalau ibu and ayah bercerai, mak nak ikut siapa? Mak sanggup jaid anak yatim, tido bawah jambatan, sebab tak nak pilih. Mak sayang dua-dua sama je.

So masa tu W and mak berdiri kat luar rumah, baru turun kereta. Mak mak dah masuk umah, mak and W kat luar. W menangis sebab dia buntu nak berpihak pada siapa. Mak cakap kat dia; you don't even have to think about it. Be on mom's side, because I can fend for myself. I know you love me too, as much as you love mom, but at this stage of her life, she needs you more than I do. Lepas ni kalau aku and mom gaduh lagi, no matter who is right, remember, be on her side, because I will totally understand. Lepas tu me and W held each other. I tried very hard not to cry sebab if I start crying melalak terus. Buruk sangat and kalau dah macam tu siapa pulak la nak mententeramkan si W yang dah sedey sangat tu. W jarang bising-bising kalau dia runsing. Tapi kalau dah sampai tahap nangis macam tu, dia memang runsing sangat la tu.

Nak tahu? Me and W is very close. Masa kecik dulu, we create our own world. Nak kata penuh dengan fantastic monsters and fairies tu tipulah. Tapi it was special enough for us. Sebab? Sebab mom didn't really like it if we go out in the afternoons and play with the neighborhood kids. We didn't really understand why back then. We do now though. So most of the time, we only had each other to play with.

Pernah sekali atas sebab-sebab yang mak tak bleh nak cerita kat sini, mak nak bunu abang mak yang number 2 tu, yang mak ingin namakan di sini sebagai Badigol. Masa tu just me and W kat umah, and Badigol ada la kat atas tu berkurung, as always. Mom and dad kerja masa tuh. Biasalah, kami selalu tinggal kat umah camtu, pandai pun jaga diri sendiri. Jangan risau, mom and dad were not being negligent. Tapi ada la sekali tu, mak dah tak tahan dengan peranga Badigol yang suka mendera W ni. Dia ingat mak tak tahu? Mak cuma tak nak bergaduh dengan dia je, sebab masa tu Badigol baru je weols kuitp balik dari rumah nenek selepas bertahun-tahun dispoiltkan dengan jayanya oleh nenek. So petang tu, mak geram sangat, rasa nak meletup, terus mak pergi ke dapur and ambil pisau potong sayur mak mak, panjang 5 inci, and mak nak tikan je perut di Badigol supaya dia habis hayat kat situ je terus and tak boleh menyakitkan adik kesayangan mak ni lagi sampai bebila. Abang, ke datuk, ke, nenek ke, apa mak peduli. Tapi ye la kan, mak ni kecik lagi masa tu mak 7 ke, 8 tahun mak pun tak ingat. Bila mak nak serang dia terus dia choke hold mak dengan lengan dia, dari belakang mak, and weols bergelut la kan, lepas tu mak geget lengan dia terus la dia lepaskan mak dari choke hold tu, and lari keluar rumah and naik basikal terus blah. Lepas tu mak pergi peluk W.

W pernah bagitau mak dia ada mimpi rumah weols terbakar. Masa tu mak and mak mak terperagkap dalam rumah tu. Yang dia sedey tu bukan apa, ada ke dia beriya-iya suruh mak larikan diri, dan tak terpikir pun pasal mak mak? Mak rasa masa tu mesti W questioned herself how much love she had for mom. The way I see it, W knows that mom could take care of herself and she was concerned about me in that dream because I was still very little at that time and we were very much attached at the hips masa tu. Memang la dia sibuk suruh mak larikan diri. Bukan dia love mom any less than she loves me.

Masa kecik dulu, bila I was in standard 5, W masuk standard 1. Mak would picitkan the toothpaste for her to brush her teeth, and then make her take a shower dulu from me. Bukan apa, mak malas nak mandi dulu sebenarnya. Huahahaha. Masa sekolah rendah, mak kurus kering, sejuk wo... Bila kat sekolah, W akan keluar rehat dulu sebab dia darjah 1. Mak darjah 5, kuar 10 minit lepas tu kut, mak dah lupa. Kantin kecik kan...? Lepas tu mak akan belanja duit saku mak belikan W makanan. Tak tahulah kenapa, rasa macam seronok lak ada adik sekolah sama with me and it made me happy to spend my money on food for her. Kadang-kadang, W tak suka rehat sengsorang, dia naik ke kelas mak kat tingkat 3 and tunggu mak kat corridor sampai time mak keluar rehat so kami dapat pergi rehat sama-sama.

Macam tu lah sampai kami masuk darjah 6, and darjah 2 respectively. Lepas tu, mak dapat masuk sekolah berasrama. Mak tak nak masuk sekolah tu. Sebab mak kan rock? Sekolah tu sekolah budak baik-baik je. Tapi sebab nak menggembirakan hati ibu and ayah, mak masuk je lah sekolah tu. Lagipun kalau mak melawan pun, mak tak nak masuk sekolah biasa-biasa ni (berlagakkah mak?). Later on, W cerita, the first morning she had to go to school without me, masa dia tengah nak berus gigi pagi tu, dia kata dia nampak my kelibat kat pintu dapur. She said she saw me open the door and went outside. She called my name a few times, and opened the door and looked outside into the cold darkness of the early morning, and then she realized that I was miles away in Seremban, in a school I hate. Then she broke down and cried. I wish I was there to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay cuz she is a strong little girl.

Every time I go home she was the happiest person to see me. Of course, mom also happy juga, of course. But when I have to go back, W and pergi menyorok bawah dining table where no one could find her and menangis sorang-sorang.

Bila mak datang Lawas, W sent me a box for my birthday with a handmade card and a scented candle. Among other things, she said, I have another candle exactly like this one, so when you miss me, light this candle and know that I will smell the same scent and when you look out at the sky, we will be looking at the same moon. That sounded wondrous, coming from W who seldom come out with wishy washy things like that, but at that moment, yes, she did make me miss home after the coveted freedom was in my hands.

Mak nak cakap cemana? Is that sisterly love or what? Mak and W have shared a lot of things, it would be sad if we turn out estranged later in life. Tapi mak and W dah janji, no matter what happens, we will not repeat the same mistakes sedara mara weols dah buat to each other. No matter macamana marah pun, we will always do our best to remember the good things we have had together.

Mak sayang W sampai mati. She is the only person... apart from my mom and dad, who can love me unconditionally. And that coming from me, is a huge matter. Because like I said before, I know me and loving me is no small feat.

Tapi uols paham tak kalau mak cakap mak sayang sangat kat mak mak tu, despite everything? Kalau Tuhan nak kasi mak ni mak baru umpama bidadari syorga pun mak tak mo. Kaya-raya cam Lim Goh Tong pun mak tak mo gak. Sebab itu bukan mak kandung mak. Mak kandung mak yang mengendong mak ni sembilan bulan dalam perut dia, dari tegang jadi boyot, dari rapat jadi lebar, dari ketat jadi longgar, just to bring me into this world. I know she had made a lot of sacrifices for me. And there had never been a time when I don't think what a daughter from hell I have turned out to be. Itu pasal mak suka bila dapat kerja kat Sarawak. Mak dinch even care mana mereka nak hantar mak. Yang penting pada mak masa tu is that I will be able to get away and be on my own. Bukan sebab nak jadi Tenggang. Tapi I was thinking that maybe once, I can be of some use to my mom. Jauh-jauh macam ni we miss each other and mak dapatlah jarang gaduh dengan my mom.

Ada my mom suruh I pindah balik semula ke West Malaysia, tapi last time bila my mom came over here, we had a huge fight sampai my mom wanted to go back home as soon as she got here.... It made me rethink that plan of moving back to Selangor. I am a bad, bad daughter.

Apa nak jadi dengan mak ni?

Apa-apa pun, mak tak sabar nak balik. Not simply because it is going to be Raya. But also the fact that I genuinely miss home. I miss W and I miss mom.

4 comments:

HannnAmeen said...

and i miss you too..dear friend

Anillynnette said...

Alalalala.... jangan la marer, tak masuk you also in there. It is a post dedicated to W and my mom, of course la.

But I miss you as well, best friend mak ni....

charon said...

Heee iihh! The overestnya si W ittiew!

Anillynnette said...

tak la over.... drama queen je sesikit... muahaha!

I thought I was the DQ in our family.... but then mom's the reigning queen. Muhuhuhu!