I know why God made me sick.
Oh no, don't get me wrong. I am not angry with Him and I am not pointing my finger up into the sky demanding an explanation. I have pretty much accepted this fact about myself.
Another day spent convalescing in bed. Taking pills and antibiotics and puffs of the inhaler. And I also imagine how it would be like if I had this in 30 years time; when I am much older and have no one around to take care of me. That's how my mom feels like. What better way to make me understand that by making me feel exactly the way she feels?
So, I will go home. Transfer back home. Soon. But I will go for another 2 years before doing that. I have things to settle. Debts to pay. Lepas tu I will go home and stay with mom. So she will have someone by her side all the time. It is high time I go home and take care of her. The last thing I want her to feel was being abandoned. That was not my plan at all. I thought staying away would make things easier for the both of us. Tapi I never thought how that also made her feel abandoned. She never said it. But now I know how she feels. Nothing she had done in the past grants her such treatment from anyone, least of all me.
Siapa tahu berapa lama lagi usia ibu? I might not have that long a time to make up for lost times. I didn't have the chance to make up lost time with dad. I don't wanna make the same mistake with mom. I have enough guilt to last me a life time.
InsyaAllah. When everything is in order, I will apply for that transfer. We'll be a whole family again. Please God, help me in this.
Amin....
Oh no, don't get me wrong. I am not angry with Him and I am not pointing my finger up into the sky demanding an explanation. I have pretty much accepted this fact about myself.
Another day spent convalescing in bed. Taking pills and antibiotics and puffs of the inhaler. And I also imagine how it would be like if I had this in 30 years time; when I am much older and have no one around to take care of me. That's how my mom feels like. What better way to make me understand that by making me feel exactly the way she feels?
So, I will go home. Transfer back home. Soon. But I will go for another 2 years before doing that. I have things to settle. Debts to pay. Lepas tu I will go home and stay with mom. So she will have someone by her side all the time. It is high time I go home and take care of her. The last thing I want her to feel was being abandoned. That was not my plan at all. I thought staying away would make things easier for the both of us. Tapi I never thought how that also made her feel abandoned. She never said it. But now I know how she feels. Nothing she had done in the past grants her such treatment from anyone, least of all me.
Siapa tahu berapa lama lagi usia ibu? I might not have that long a time to make up for lost times. I didn't have the chance to make up lost time with dad. I don't wanna make the same mistake with mom. I have enough guilt to last me a life time.
InsyaAllah. When everything is in order, I will apply for that transfer. We'll be a whole family again. Please God, help me in this.
Amin....
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