not having pms, but talking about it anyway.

I hate women who cannot control their PMS and gives everyone a hard time.

No excuse can make being mean to other people, OK.

You're not the only one having the GD thing. Deal with it.

Be nice.

(I am saying this to myself. The threat of being mean on PMS is a clear and present danger that had always been successfully averted)

And I realise something else.

Him being away for so long, makes me happier. Livelier.

Maybe I am better in a long-distance relationship. Maybe.

Just wish I was not pulled into all this mess of his making. But I am happy.

weighty problems

During breakfast the other day, The School Counselor remarked that I do not look like I have problems.

Wow...

Had I been extremely successful in hiding my daily frustrations that she thinks that I am as carefree as I once used to be?

We walk pass by each other every other day. Sometimes we even sit down together for breakfast. If there'd not been a discussion of school projects, then that would have been it. Working and talking takes my mind off of personal crap. I was probably happy when I am around people and having my mind taken off of the other crap that is happening in my life at the moment.

The other day, I weighed myself early in the morning, the normal time that I weigh myself every once in a while. The scale recorded 100.5kg.

For a person who eats when she is troubled, does that show that I had been happy with how everything is these past year? The weight does not just decide to jump onto my ass and my thighs and show up on the scale over a fortnight. Normal weight for me, is 96, give or take. It does not exceed 96kg when I am contented with everything. Little quantities of food will always sate my colossal appetite.

That had not been the case, especially lately.

I remember having two plates of rice with some fish and lots of greens, one after the other, just sitting there in the sofa, in front of the tv, watching a movie. And I can down a whole gallon of water as I stuff the food into my face. That was dinner for a few nights. I was still hungry. I felt that stopping the act of eating, means I have to get back to reality. Nothing will keep on going down my throat to fill that imaginary void. Breakfast and lunch are two other huge meals I'd have throughout the day.

But some days I'd skip a meal. Mainly because I feel numb. Sleep would be more appealing. So I sleep all day, Saturdays and Sundays when I have nothing planned.

Exercise? I used to play badminton 3 times a week. I used to brisk walk a lot. I used to... Not anymore. Am contemplating yoga. Zizie Ezette became leaner after she got married by doing hot yoga. Since I'm already so very HOT, I'll just try  the yoga.

The other day, one of our suppliers called. The check we issued is two months overdue. It was some conversation. A lot of yelling from the both of us. I totally understand his situation, and trust is a big issue when it comes to promised payment and it being overdue. And yet the crisis was averted by me making an arrangement that I proposed and agreed upon the next day.

Don't ever scare your supplier by not answering their phone calls. The same thing goes for banks and creditors. They have records of your payments. If it had been maintained steadily for the past years, any changes in recent months, they will still give you some leeway by making adjustments to the amount that you can afford to pay them back, as long as the payment is made.

In the end, when worst comes to worst, there is always AKPK! :-)

(Boy are they gonna be disappointed when they do a search for AKPK and my blog comes up and they end up reading my bullsh*t. LOL)

Anyways, one can only be depressed for so long... eventually, if you're not the typical psychiatric patient, your hormones are bound to bounce back to its normal levels, and you will emerge from it. You will just have to be strong enough to ride it out.

It had not been a fun ride. I do not wish it on anyone. But if going through it makes me even stronger and wiser, then I'm all for it.

The problems are mostly finances. Money had never made me worry. All that matters to me are finding solutions to overcome the crisis. Worrying over money is pointless.

I'm also taking some herbs that elevates the hormones. Some mineral coffee once in  the morning every day. And this nano technology cream on my pulse points. Been using it for the past three weeks, and now I don't remember having felt as energetic and contented as I am today. The causes of my depression is still present. But it seems that they do not stress me out as much anymore. I don't even feel the need to fuss over evil thoughts that keeps emerging in my head. They do not matter anymore to me. All that matters is to stay alive during this darkness in our lives. Staying afloat. To keep breathing.

And if that's enough to keep me going, and happy with where I am in my life now, that to me, is another one of Allah's great miracles. Thank you, Allah! I love you, Allah!

the norm it is not.

I keep forgetting. 

I keep forgetting a lot of things lately.

Especially the part where Facebook is not supposed to be an online diary for all to see.

Some damage has been done. And every time I made those stupid entries, it felt almost like... I don't know. I  have never been drunk, but it was sort of like a drunken stupor, when you drink all that alcohol just to numb the pain? And when you wake up the next day, it will all come back to you, like boulders tumbling off a cliff right on top of your head.

I think I have made only one entry in there alluding to my frustrations. Then I deleted it. After having had some people commenting on it and also a kakak telling me not to do something so stupid. I poured my heart out to her. And she was right. I am the only person who knows his worth. She cannot make a fair judgement of the whole situation. As a friend, all she could tell me that night was to hang on. Keep holding on to the dream. Only time will tell. Time will heal. And time will reveal everything. I will have to be patient. That's all. 

I just don't see it as a really baaaaaad thing, though. I have toned everything down a lot. Most days there would just be an overload of stuff I'd have pilfered from other pages. Inspirational stuff mostly. Probably because... Yes, I am hurting inside. Hurting inside like a mofo. 

However, lately, after 6 weeks.... yes, he has been gone that long. And I am not gonna make excuses for him. He's just away. And I am getting used to him being away this long. And I am quite happy to say that him  not being around gave a me a LOT of space to be myself again. I should have put in way more than I have so far while he is away. Is it bad to say that one actually enjoys having one's other half being away so much?

It's not complicated at all. He's a handful. But now he is away. That took off a lot off of my hands. 

Oh yeah.... It has been almost two years since I last made a post in here.

Facebook got in the way. 

Damn you, Facebook. Hah!

That guy I talked about in the last entry? I married him. 

Been a year, last March 19th! And what a surreal year it had been.

I wish I was on some kind of drug throughout the year because it had been PAINFUL.

Spent 12 years on my own, minding my own business. All of a sudden, he came into the picture, like a typhoon that swept me off whatever I was standing up on, and made it necessary that I spend the rest of my life with him. Talk about good marketing!

And now that I am married, people are asking me, when am I gonna get pregnant? It seems to me that so many women are having trouble getting pregnant, while others can just get pregnant at a drop of a hat. Just like that. I am not one of those women. Naturally, people keep asking and asking and asking. And some even have the guts to say that I am not trying hard enough to keep my man by not getting pregnant. 

Excuse me, who made you God?

One thing I know, kids are not the things that will help me keep my man. He loves kids. But he does not necessarily get attached to the mother of his children. Well, at least not in his earlier marriages.

GASP!

What can I say? I effing LOVE him, but that's the way it is with him and I am not necessarily angry and deeply saddened by this fact about him. 

Why, you ask?

If he wants to stay, he will. If he doesn't, so what?

Do you want me to kill myself if ever he decides to go? No, please don't tell me you do. Because I really do hope that some of the people who reads this blog really knows me and that I am not that type of person. 

Look, I have gone through all of the spectrum of human emotions. Since the beginning of the relationship, till this day, I still do not see the reason behind my decisions when it involves him. However, I am not blaming anyone on this. Nor am I making excuses for him, let alone for myself. This is just the way it is between us. There had not been a written rule or a signed agreement anywhere. It is just a conclusion that I have come to, thus far, in the relationship.

I am guessing that people are assuming that I am unhappy with the whole situation. Hah!

If I am, wouldn't I have left a long time ago? 

In a strange way, I am happy. He's been away, but he is doing his best. There had been improvements in everything. The thing is, I am done with getting excited over little things. So, I will motivate and inspire. Beyond that, it is up to him, really. 

He is the typical ... guy. He's not the new-age type of guy who knows exactly what to say to make me feel better about everything nor is he a romantic. But he is trying. He is never going to be the kind of guy I keep seeing in movies and he will never do the quirky little things that I love doing for him (which I have quit doing because he doesn't get it). 

Nope. I am not blessed with those things. He's incapable of those little things that makes a man more appealing to a wife. He is appealing to other women out there, no doubt. They think he has a lot of money and yes, he is charming. If he wasn't, he would not have been married to five different women before we got married. 

Another GASP.

Seriously. It's nothing extraordinary. That is his life's story. And he is the challenge that I have probably been waiting for all my life. 

Oh no, I did not steal him from anyone. He was newly single. He was very sad over his last divorce. But he's just being himself. It took him a while for him to get over it. I was leaving. I couldn't be with him even if I wanted to. But as the date of my departure grew closer, he panicked. 

He panicked. 

I once promised myself, when I get to 35, I will forget about settling down. I will just be happy on my own. Travel. Eat a lot. And have lots of cats. 

Lo and behold, at 34.5, he came flying through the glass door, crashing into the opposite wall. As he rose from the shards of glass and dust, he patted the dust off of his clothes, and as he raised his gaze, he saw me. He smiled and we had been together ever since. 

Well, I am just saving the story of our meeting for another day actually. But that's just how it was. He was a force of nature. You can's say No to a tornado. That was what he was and still is; a strong whirlwind that comes into your life, whizzes by and leaves behind destruction and mayhem. He'll suck you up, spin you around and spit you out.

Boy, what a way of describing the guy you married, you might think. Actually, if you knew him and his personality, the real him, you will agree with me.

On a more sober note though, a colleague of mine quipped that I wouldn't be able to feel as happy and contented with anyone but him. Because he challenges all my abilities as an educator. As a woman. As a wife. 

She's right. For all the things that he is, I would not trade him for the world. My love, like my love for my family, and the other things in my life that I do devote my life to, is ironically, a one way ticket. There is no looking back once I have decided on something. I have decided on this, this is the road that I am taking, whether you like it or not. 

It had never been the typical relationship. Our marriage was not either. But things have mellowed down. We have found our rhythm. At least, for me, this being my first marriage, is a perfect test in human endurance. Do I have the makings of an iron lady who can caress with the gentleness of goose down? I am not the manipulative kind. Nor am I the type who can make men do her bidding with just a smile and batting eyelids. At least, whatever my motives are, only the Almighty knows that I am not doing this for personal gains. He's practically penniless when we met. He's doing better now. But we're going through yet another rough patch at the time I am writing this. I am doing everything in my power to keep us afloat. It's hard, but we're coping. 

We had such bumpy beginnings. It was horrible. I'll spare you the details. But there are rumors out there that I married a loser. Gossip, it didn't kill me 10 years ago. It won't kill me today. And as I am the only legal judge sane enough to be able to make the evaluation, yes, I think it is worth it. 

Since I am old enough not to base the successes and failures of my relationship on others' relationships, I think I do know my way around. Thanks to my mother. And my father, of course. I have seen enough of their relationship to know that I have the strength and willingness to go the distance.

As for him. I can only laugh a little  from time to time because he has no idea what kind of woman he has gotten himself involved with this time. 

I mean that in a good way. 

I am not giving him a way out. Just a freedom to stay or go. And solutions to all the demons that keeps haunting him to this day. 

Do I love him? Of course. Does he love me? In his strange way, probably. 

Am I happy? Can't answer that fairly. But am I happier than I was earlier in the marriage? Definitely. 

The success of a marriage does not lie solely on love. At least not mine. If it is hard to understand, let me remind you, that I am not asking for anyone's understanding or permission, even. Just leave me to fight my own battles on my own. I am woman enough. 

No... no man will have the time and energy for this. 

If he feels we are worth the effort, he'll be here. If he doesn't? His loss.