the blues (re-post)

Originally posted on February 5th, 2009

Editted, because I think even though the blog is not a place to be an English teacher and correcting grammar all the time, it also should not be an excuse to write badly. I was tired that day and didn't really pay attention to the errors as long as I got these off my chest in a flash. Kalau ada salah lagi, lantaklah. Aku letih balik main badminton.

It had been a little bit on the draining side, today. Emotionally.

Maybe it's the time of the month, (in my case that time of the year) or maybe it really was an emotionally draining day. Why do I always let myself get carried away with work? I don't know. I simply love some of the aspects of my job that I feel the need to be very involved with everything that is going on. Sometimes I don't realize what was happening to me, mentally, until I come home and have my 'me' time.

It started out as a normal morning. Lately, I have been a little lazy. Maybe this time, my periods make me feel a little weak and lethargic. They are never the same. Sometimes I have tons of energy, sometimes I get gassy, sometimes I get pre-period diarrhea, sometimes I get the cramps in the most inappropriate places of my anatomy, sometimes it lasted just three days, passing me by like a gentle seabreeze. Sometimes it lasts for 14 days, dripping once or twice a day towards the end; never the same. This time it made me wonder about my capacity to be professional in my job instead of being that DQ I have been trying very hard not to revive in any of the occasions at work.

If anyone bothered, they would know that I do not blame my mistakes and shortcomings to the hormones. Women do have their ups and downs, I do too. I even suspect myself of having a mild bipolar condition for having the highest highs and the lowest lows sometimes. But when it comes to work, I have to take that out of the equation as much as I possibly can, so I will be able to make the most impartial decisions. So they won't blame me for being such a DQ later on. A safety check of sorts.

What happened today was supposed to be not a big deal. It wasn't. But I have been able to avoid the tears for a few years now. But today, I cried at work. Not once, but twice! How embarrassing could I have been???

It started out fine, as I said. I have been a little lazy this year. From the beginning of the year, I won't get out of bed until it is 5.20am. I used to wake up before the alarm goes off at 5.00am. I am losing that energy it seems this year. But I am happy to assure you that I have not been late not even once this year. Come to think of it, even throughout the whole of last year. Wow... I am gonna give myself a pat on the back. I have been a chronic late-comer the year before. Reaching school just before the bell rang. I wake up early, but I always get out of the house later than I should. Last year, I realized that being a role-model, I should be a good one. And there is no excuse for me to be late, because there is no traffic jam anywhere in town, and all I have to do is make sure I leave the house at 6.10am. Having young people in your charge does make a person more responsible, I would like to think, therefore, I have never been late again, not even when I slept through the alarm and woke up at the sound of the garbage truck at 5.45am. I showered and even had light make up on before getting into the car at 5 minutes later than usual.

I ramble a lot when I am free-writing, don't I?

Got to school. Punched in... or scanned my fingerprint. Went to my office. It is always alive with activities because the prefects use my office for the PA system in the morning and the head prefect is usually the first one to get there and she has a key. *Gasp!* Well, she is such an able and trustworthy young adult that I would even trust my life with her. Maybe one day I will put her photo up in here. She deserves a spot.

After the morning Negaraku and the daily Dua, I went to have my breakfast at the school canteen as usual. That is the only time I have in the day before it gets really crazy until it is time to leave. It is also the best time for me to mingle with the other teachers who are also free at that particular time of the morning, because my work later will keep me mostly to myself and to the kids and keep me away from them, making me seem distant and in no need of interactions with my co-workers. Then I went back to the office to do some paper work and marked some books and also updated the students' data systems on the desktop.

Then, I went to class; my wonderful 5 Sastera 2 class, whose faces and cheerful and genuine smiles warm my heart. I know they had been little monkeys the year before but all they needed was discipline and structure. Well, all the kids are nice, obedient and good when they are around me. So I rely heavily on the other teachers to keep me updated on who and what they are really capable of in terms of behavior from simple mischief to downright misdemeanor.

It was a nice grammar lesson. I never push them to do more than they can do only to get mad at them later for not being able to complete the task. I will try to kick it up a notch as we progress though. Then it was recess.

At the end of recess, a group of form 2 boys came to my office bringing with them another boy covered in blood. He had a two-inch long cut on the right eyelid, right below the brow. Blood was all over the left side of his face and some dotted his clean white shirt. That boy, a few days earlier, was brought to school by his dad after he received a letter from the school for his sons' absenteeism. His father had asked me to tell him that his dad is gonna be thrown in jail if he doesn't go to school. I assured him that I will tell his boy that and much more and asked him to leave his son with me. I told him everything (that I think a 14 -year-old should) he should know about life and then some. And threw in the jail thing from his dad. I am glad that although he has a tough-looking face, he is such a trusting little boy.

Today, he had been playing in the classroom with a classmate during recess. The rule is, no one should be in the classroom during recess, so there was definitely no playing in the classroom during that time. But it happened anyway. I don't exactly know what happened. But he told me, while they were playing, he was pushed to the wall, and got the cut. It was so close, I am thankful it did not hurt his eye.

Another girl had asked if she could go home because she had been having a throbbing headache since Tuesday. I scolded her for keeping such things to herself for so long. I told her I will not let her go home. Instead I will take her to the village clinic, and then will let her go home if her condition grants her the day off from the MA. I already had my car key in my hand when they took the boy in. I padded his bleeding brow with some tissue paper and took him along.

At the clinic, we went straight in. The MA, being a girly man, was shocked to see him in that state and whispered to me that he will have to stitch that shut. He told the boy to go rest while he attended to the girl. I accompanied the boy in the treatment room right next door and tried to comfort him a little.

He was not disoriented. More like embarrassed to have all that blood all over him. I assured him that everything was gonna be okay and it is normal to have so much blood when one bleeds from a head injury. He didn't want the tetanus shot, let alone the local anesthetics later on. And the stitching that would ensue.

The MA said he doesn't have to stitch it up if the boy doesn't want it. But I do think he needed the cut to be closed because it was gaping and a little too deep to heal quickly on its own. I tried calming the boy down because he started panicking when he saw the tetanus needle looming close. "Come, hold my hand and look at me. Trust me, it will hurt a little bit, but it won't kill you," I said. He moved from side to side in the bed trying to dodge the needle when it got to his upper arm. The attending nurse was worried that he might struggle when the needle was in and break it. That would be a big mess. I squeezed his hands and made him look at me. And then I told him, "Cikgu pun pernah kena jahit dulu kat kepala ni, janganlah takut sangat..., k?"

It was a lie. But he looked at me and calmed down. Then he squeezed my hand and closed his eyes and let the MA give him the tetanus shot.

"Sakit?"
"Sakit jua', sikit-sikitlah."

Then the MA placed a piece of paper with a hole above his wound. He was going to administer the local anesthetic. That paper alone freaked him out again. Again, I had to embellish my little white lie, "Luka kamu ni kalau tak jahit nanti tak hensem la dah baik nanti. Kepala cikgu ni dulu kan, kena paku masa lari-lari bawah rumah, koyak dekat sejengkal, tau? Masa tu cikgu baru 12 tahun. Kena jahit jua', ok je tau? Kamu kan 'rock'... Orang 'rock' mana boleh macam ni, kan?"

At last he calmed down again, "Inda sakit kah, chegu'?"
"Sakitlah sikit masa ia cucuk kasi bius atu, tapi lepas atu nda sakit lagi bah..."
"Iyakah, chegu?"
"Awu, inda percayakah, cakap chegu'? Chegu' selalu menipu kitak kah di sekulah ah?"
"Inda..."
"Bah pigang tangan chegu' kuat-kuat, rileks sikit bah. Jangan takut, chegu' tunggu sampai ia habis jahit, ah?"
"Banarkah inda sakit chegu?"
"Sakit, tapi sikit jak... Inda pulang mati. Tapi kalau inda dijahit, nanti lambat baik, inda hensem lagi pulang tu! Mau kitak kah?"
"Bah..."

The MA covered his right eye with the paper again and I saw how the needle went in and out just like you cucuk daun pisang bungkus lepat tu dengan lidi tajam.... and how the liquid squirted out of the open holes made by the needle. I know it will heal, but it freaked me out, man! I am not the squeamish type, but it's one thing watching a graphic demo of a surgical operation where the doctor seems like melapah daging korban on TV, but watching it happening right in front of your eyes is a totally different thing. Then we waited a few minutes for the LA to work and then came the stitching. Again, he had second thoughts.

"Inda sakit bah, inda berasa lagi tuk..."
"Banar?"
"Banar... "

He held both my hands in both of his and we started talking about why exactly he didn't go to school those times. I watched the MA cucuk his wound with a huge ass needle and I listened to him telling me about going out to sea with his dad to fish and getting money for it. I asked him what he did with the money, he said he saved it. How much do you have now? Hundreds? Nah... Tapi berpuluh jua'lah.... Not bad. (Dalam hati, aku nak menangis, sebab I realized how gigih and cermat he is) But I don't want you to be just a fisherman when you grow up. You should do something more, something better. I'm sure your mom and dad want you to have more than they did in life, so you have to work hard for it. I know, but it's hard, chegu'. I know, dear, but no one ever said anything about life being easy.

All the while, aku sendiri nak pengsan tengok jarum jahitan tu kuar masuk daging kening budak tu. Lutut aku rasa lembik sikit. Tapi him trusting me gave me strength as much as me being there made him brave.

For some reason, at that moment, I tought about wanting my own kids. To have little hands to hold and be brave for and give strength to. A bad time to think about having kids. One should not gauge one's ability to raise children simply based on a day at the clinic with someone else's child.

He had six stitches.

Then the MA gave him some paracetamol as painkillers and antibiotics. Then I took him back to school to get his stuff, because now I have to take him home and personally meet with his parents and explain things to them. I told him to get his stuff from class and be back at my office in 5 minutes.

But in my office, the girl from hell was there with her dad. I'm sorry. I don't mean to label her that way, but compared to the students in my school, she is a full-blown ... I don't want to say the word. But you can guess. She moved to Miri when she was in form 1. Now she is in form 3 and had mixed with the wrong crowd in the city school and now her parents could only see us as the last resort before admitting her to a correctional school which calls for a court order. And another parent was also there, wanting to inform me that his son got the 'kudis buta' again and had been to the hospital for treatment and won't be able to come to school until the abcess that had been impairing his ability to walk, heals. I talked with him for a while and assured him that I will inform the class teacher about it and he can take as much time he needs to get better and was ready to move on to seeing the girl's dad when a student came running to my office and panting, told me that CLI was having fainting spells at the lab. I excused myself and ran to the lab. I saw CLI walking slowly towards me and I went and supported her and took her to my car. The boy was already there and I told a girl who was following me to get my handbag and car key from my office. I sent her home. CLI called in sick the day before. Why did she have to come to work if she didn't feel okay? She's probably like me, feel guilty as I rest every time I call in sick. I dropped her off at her place which was only a moment's drive from school and went straight to the boy's kampung with the boy in tow which was located about 10 minutes from school.

We got there, I parked my car at the lot and we took the boat across the estuary to his house. I met with his parents who were home at the time and explained what happened to them and apologized for the incident. They were very nice, gracious people. And they know me. They all know me, I hope so they know the people at the school are really doing our best, despite the fact.

"Apa dibuatnya chegu'?"
"Kanak-kanak ani' di sekulah, beribun bah. Berlabih pulang."
"Sangka ku ia bergaduh chegu'. Kalau bergaduh, kan ku tambah lagi..."
"Inda bah. Banar, beribun jak tapi lepas atu, berlabih. Anak kampung ani jua lawannya, tapi biar ku jumpa ia di sekulah dulu. Jangan tah kitak marahi ia lagi."

Aku suka la cakap macam orang Brunei. Walaupun tak sama... at least I am trying la kan...? Uhuhu...

I only had a few minutes to chat, because the other parent was still waiting for me in my office.

Still, on the way out another parent came by and enquired about scholarship and hostel allocations. Always tough issues to explain and the boat couldn't have come sooner. I did the best explaining to them and excused myself because I really had to rush back.

I climbed down the ladder into the boat and as we were going back to the other side, the boat guy asked me about school finances. I told him it is best that he talk to the principal about the matter because what I know is insufficient to answer his questions.

Back at school, I spent about half an hour with that parent. I could see it in his face, and in his body language that he is a gentle-hearted father who is at the end of his ropes. That was when he told me that he was thinking about moving her to a correctional school but that would require a court order. I realized what a daunting task lie ahead of me if I decide to take on the challenge. I do not want to make the same mistake I did with H@fifi. I regret it to this day. So I said what I could, in place of the principal who was away in Sibu for a meeting with the Director, and my PK1, who was away in Limbang for another meeting in place of the principal. I said, it is a big job, and I won't promise you anything because as a teacher, I know I am not a miracle worker, because change will only happen when one is ready to do so, and not because of what I do and say to her. Her father just nodded and assured me that he understood and accepted that fact.

But since she had broken the hostel rules, she will not be permitted back into the hostel, unless she shows some kind of improvement in attitude in the next couple of months. I can't take her back as much as her dad needs me to because that decision will kill my wardens. She has proven herself to be a handful from day one. Besides, we had been reserving places for more deserving people and there is still a long qeueu.

With her father there, I talked a little bit to her, but when she played with a strand of fallen hair, I took it out of her hand and asked her to look at me. She refused, so I took her hand in mine and refused to let go as she tried jerking it away. I finally let go when she started crying and looking at me with such hatred and anger. She stood up and stormed out of my office, slammed her fist on the open door. Her father apologized for her behavior. But I told him, it's okay. One of my older brother was exactly like her.

He is planning to move back to Lawas in April so he thought moving her to this school would be a fresh start for her. I am sad to say that she had not been the easiest person to deal with these past month. But he's been expecting that, I guess, because he agreed with me totally. His demeanor was total trust. I could see him close to giving up on her. But I know he won't, because parents, no matter how close they feel to the edge, never takes that jump when it comes to their children.

After her left, I went to the school library, right next to my office. After they left, I suddenly felt something dark and heavy looming over my whole being. I needed a distraction. I started talking to Hsnh, who is the library teacher and she was there rearranging some magazines. But out of the blue, I started sobbing. Right in the middle of a sentence! It was so silly of me and embarrassing too. No one had seen me cry for years and I broke that record today.

Madie came looking for me as I was trying to regain control of my sobs. Earlier in the morning, he had asked me to sign some documents in place of the principal and the PK1. I returned to my office and found the thick documents all neatly clipped together on the pile of papers I had left when the boys came running to see me with the bleeding boy. He stood by my desk, fixing my rubber stamp, reinking the self-inking pad and making trial stamps on a discarded phone bill envelope to make sure there was not too much ink on the pad that would blotch up the documents, (or he'll have to re-do them) while I cried huge tears and sobbing non-stop. Great big sobs as I signed pages and pages of documents, trying hard to make out what I was signing in between the tears. Was I glad I had that plastic coating mascara on, or it I would have looked like a harlequin with wet mascara trickling down my cheeks.

Tried stopping. I did stop. But I started crying again and again each time I stopped. He probably could see my embarrassment, so he excused himself promising to come back in a little while to get the papers. Then Mrln stopped by and saw my red nose and puffy eyes. I had already stopped sufficiently to dry my cheeks and tried breathing in between residual sobs.

I was a mess. But it felt like a release of some sort. But it was strange because I was not feeling stressed out at all. Mrln was waiting to go to her class upstairs so she stayed a while and we talked for a little while. I was calm again when it was time for my last class of the day before school was over.

When class was over, it was time for a meeting with the Lemb@g@ Hit@m Berbulu Leb@t. Eh, no, silap. Lemb@g@ Disiplin. I called the meeting over the PA system. We all gathered in the PS. Everyone talked and had their say. Then as I was in the middle on my say, it happened again.

Great huge, heaving sobs that choked me. Attractive... very attractive.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!!!

I know I freaked them out seeing me like that. But it just overwhelmed me to see how committed to their jobs in the committee this year.

I can't help feeling so very grateful after having been left to fend for myself last year after the fiasco with the Kelantanese lunatic bitch. Yes, I have been burned by her big time, I had to say that she is from Kelantan. I am sure the rest of the Kelantan people are very normal, law abiding and great contributors to the society. She just happens to be all that, just a little on the lunatic side. And she hides it well, because I am the only one who knows about that side of her. Anyway, she won, simply because I am the barbaric fat bitch, and she is the little ustazah. Who would you save when the boat is sinking?

I am just glad that things are looking up this year. And it was probably my hormones wreaking havoc in my system. It took me a few seconds to compose myself. The meeting lasted a few more minutes before we adjourned.

I needed to get home. Mrln and Lnd already left with Hnr earlier. The counsellor asked if she could hitch a ride with me home. So with her in tow, I sped off back to town, overtaking all the other teachers who left before I did. Dropped her off at her place and went to the clinic to get some calamine lotion because I have been having some itchy red spots on my thighs and I have no idea where they come from.

Came home, showered and slapped on the lotion all over my legs and fell asleep as it was drying.

I am gonna have some problem sleeping tonight, because I slept for two and a half hours straight. It was awesome!

I'm sure what happened to me today happens to everyone in this field. But this is my personal experience. I want to be reminded of these moments when I lose focus of why I love this job so much and feel useless during my low lows. I hope nothing I write in here will get me into trouble with anyone. If you feel that I might, please tell me.

Long and winding, I know. But I never said, Please Read, did I? But thanks for reading anyway. Me luve you long taim....!!!

:-)

today

Jst realized y aku malas gila mengupdate. I will always get carried away and end up getting lost in my writing, and by the end of it, have a thesis. And lose sleep in d process.
Anyway...
Today i got d tyre fixed. Bought new ones for d front. Got new absorbr mounts. Had d balancing n alignment done as well. Now i can do 130 again, easy.
I also got a wash n haircut. Shorter n lighter.
Can't wait 4 d trip w N this CNY.

stolen

Sesungguhnya Allah tidak akan menduga iman hambaNya dengan sesuatu yang tak termampu ditanggung olehnya. Walaupun ianya berkali-kali.

I lost my cellphone again today. Stolen is the more likely word for it. The second time in three years. Just four minutes of carelessness had granted him the chance to grab it from my backpack in my office. I had the cellphone on me all day today, except that 4 minutes when I left the backpack in my office to go to the bathroom. Later on during the afternoon, when I reached for it to check if there was a message, it was gone.

It's the same thing three years ago. In my laptop bag, in my office. Just a month old, stolen.

You will think I am careless. I will say you're a bastard, because you don't know me. Unlike some people who keep losing their cellphone time and time again buying a new one to replace them, I don't have that kind of money to burn and I do get attached to most of the things I own. I don't lay my things around unattended. I don't leave my things behind on the dining table at the restaurant. And I don't lose things because I leave them laying around. So being careful with my things is in fact my second nature.

But it's happened and there is no use crying over spilled milk. Nothing I can do except pray that the bastard will fry in hell for violating me this way more than once.

And I don't give a sh*t for that fool me twice shame on me kind of sh*t.

I will miss the cellphone, because it's a good gadget that had been very useful to me. Just the right weight and size for my hand, although it has 3G capabilities, it doesn't have the other nonsense peripherals I'll never use. I will get myself a new phone, but I can never really replace her. She had been a very good friend to me. She gently wakes me up every morning with a soft piano intro of a song. And when I am lonely and need to see a familiar face, she'll always be more than glad to share the photos she has with me. She reminds me of birthdays. And she makes the distance seem like nothing when I need to feel loved. I will never get myself the same model not because there are so many new ones out there, but simply because getting a new one exactly like her is a betrayal of her memory. So dramatic, you might think. What can I say? I loved having her around.

I know, it's just stuff. I will get myself a new one, but most of the things I will miss most and will never get back on that phone are the more than 1000 text messages from loved ones and well-wishers and the various notes I have jotted down and stored on the notepad. I will eventually get most of the 500 or so numbers I had on the phone back, and even the number itself, having blocked it right afterwards. I will get the new sim card with the old number as soon as I can get to KK since there is no Celcom outlet in Lawas.

However, I am trying very hard not to be tempted into badmouthing a certain someone for being such an insensitive tunggul.

He is a tunggul. That's all I can say. For now.

how would i have known?

Do you know what happened today? Of course not, so I'm gonna tell you.

Last Monday, was still a holiday for us, so the girls and I spent the day at home. We were all online. But suddenly, we all went offline. So I went down to see what's wrong with the router. The internet LED was not even on. I rebooted the thing. It still won't work so I called the hotline to make an inquiry.

There was no problem. So they said they will send their technicians ASAP to see what is going on and find a way to rectify the matter.

Tuesday, they came over after we all came home from work. They looked at it, tried logging on with the modem and stuff. They couldn't.

I tried logging on and tried setting the internet connection through the adsl website or something. The thing was, I couldn't even dial myself in that day. So the set up was unsuccessful. Then the tchnicians kept telling me that the modem/router might be broken because it simply would not connect to the internet.

So they said they will try contacting another unit which would be able to handle the situation better. We said, okay. We'll wait another day. But I still tried to reconnect when they were gone, but it wouldn't work.

Then I placed another complaint. Actually I called to ask them if they know how to reset the auto dialler in the modem so it would be able to remain logged on. But then we ended up doing other things. He helped me reconfigure my ip and all that other stuff. Still, it won't work, and they will contact the technicians to help me.

Thursday, the same people came. Same results.

Friday, we bought a new modem/adsl g router.

The girls urged me to come home quickly (the left without me after school because I had to stay back at school) to set the whole thing. They tried but it won't work. So I came home, installed the wizard and everything and tried and tried to set the auto dialler connection on the website after getting the wireless signal working.

I tried and tried, the computer keeps dropping the connection.

We went for dinner. Came home and I got back to work. The girls sat around me as I worked. They were as frustrated as I was, hoping that I would find the way around the problem.

Then they grew tired of waiting and decided to retire for the night. I kept working.

Then I thought, since I have figured out how to connect to the website through the modem to set up the auto dialler / connect, I might be able to do the same with the old modem, because that might simply be the problem; improper set up. That might simply be the reason why the Internet LED won't light up.

So I unplugged the new modem and put the old one back in its place. I did what I did with the new modem and voila... I was logged on again. The modem was not broken at all.

I text messaged Z who was in her room upstairs to try logging on to our old wireless network. She got in on the first try. M did too.

I feel sorry for the girls because of the new modem. But they were cool about it, because at least now they can log on again. Not like the past few days, with Astro acting up again. They have managed to watch their shows on tv3.com instead of on tv.

So now we'll wait for the astro technician to come over and recalibrate our satellite dish if that is the problem.

So would anyone be interested in buying a brand spanking new Aztech G ADSL Wireless Router?

nonsense II

What separates genius and insanity.

Random thoughts that seems to be original or new does not make one a genius. Most of the time it’s probably recycled from what was stored in our subconscious mind absorbed through our experiences and that of others.

Sometimes, my ideas come from rage. Sometimes from my self-imposed emotional suffering. Sometimes they seem original to me simply because I don’t read too much. Sometimes I simply know that I might be merely recycling a well-known fact of life, presenting it in a new light, in my own context.

Having read some of the rantings on other blogs, sometimes, it makes me feel better about things when I find that some people have it far worse than I do. It is not gloating. It’s just a realization that I do have many things to be grateful about in life. And no, I don’t have it as bad as I think I do.

Sometimes it is rather nice, to know that I am not exactly alone, or therein, special, when I find other people who have also lost their way somewhat, but have the strength to push on through to another day. It’s nice to know, that there is still hope for the likes of me, and that it is all right to be the way that I am, despite the fact that the society in which I live demands that I snap out of it and be a better person.

Because at the end of the day, would a sane person want to be where and what I am at that particular moment of my life? Probably not. But sometimes, no matter how much pep talk you do in your mind, in the quietude of your personal space, you can’t help being pulled into that dark place in your mind again and again when you feel that you are all alone in that fight. You’re not alone. But you are too embarrassed to admit it, and to seek help. Because needing help symbolizes weakness and at that moment of your life, it is too late to be weak. You’ve gone too far, you have climbed too high. You cannot let yourself fall.

You don’t think you can come back from the abyss if you did.

All this negativity swimming around in my mind. I shouldn’t let it take up too much of my thoughts so. There is no place in my life for this, simply because, people depend on me. I should not let this negativity take me down.

It does not pay to be weak.

nonsense

I’m just recycling this from something else I have read, so instead of saying ‘I think’, I am going to say ‘I agree’ instead.

I agree that most good people die young. And evil people live longer than most of us think they should.

I agree that God loves good people and prefer to have them in heaven, close to Him. So instead of letting him/her live long enough to start making mistakes, He takes them away, leaving behind their memories for their survivors to cling on to. The accidents and sickness they experienced, are merely causes of death.

I agree that God also loves the evil ones too, because he lets them live long enough for them to repent and mend their ways. To find the way home. Only, some of them never do.

But there are good people who live love lives, probably because He feels that the world needs these people more than He does, or because they have yet passed through tests set by Him. Some good people have to earn their safe passage to heaven. These good people, if left unguided might eventually lose their way.

See? Boredom does make me think of nonsense to write in my blog.

keseronokan hidup dan kerja

Why do I have to suffer to be able to write more memorable things?

It is safe to say that I am not suffering at the moment. I am not over the moon over anything either. The novelty has passed and I think I am safe by being aware of the things I want in life and the relationships I choose to have.

And best of all, not caring what people think and concentrating on getting my job done has done wonders to my morale. Most of them have warmed up to me again, those who don't, I don't care about. So far, it seems like it is going to be a good school year for me.

My hair looked like it is dead now, the way it flops in a strange way all over the place when I wake up in the morning. I don't think my friends with straight hair has that kind of thing going on with their hair. And I have also discovered that I have oily hair. It was not so noticeable when it was curly. I wash it every other day anyway. Just that I just discovered I actually have oily hair! No wonder some shampoos worked for me, some don't.

But the seemingly dead and floppy hair does look better now that it is not ramrod straight anymore. It's got it's wave back and I am not too sad about it anymore. Just that, I also have fine hair. It tends to look too wispy sometimes. But that's okay, because then they don't need to 'curi' my hair anymore so that it would not be too kembang.

I love my hair. Or I am just vain. Uhuk!

Seemed like I had so much to say these few days, but I kept putting blogging off. Like it is not important for me to record anything in here anymore. Oh, by saying this, I don't mean that I have been figuring out the mysteries of the universe on my blog. It is just enough to say that my writing here has helped me figure myself out. And to me figuring myself out is important.

However, I have to admit, that lately, my blogging time has been taken up by a more intruiging writing assignment. I am glad that he is actually writing back, because I really do miss writing and receiving his opinions on most things. Not that I listen to him. But his is unbiased and level-headed. Just the way I would be when I am giving advice to my friends... according to them, occay?

I think about my dad a lot. I miss him and his ways. He may have not been the perfect dad but he was as good as any. He did the best he could. Why do I think about him so much aside from loving and missing him so much? Because I wish I could have done more for him, as repayment. Not that I can actually repay him no matter how much I do.... but at least make him have a more comfortable life. And now I only have mom to do that with and seems like I am blowing that chance off too by staying away for so long...

I am happy about most things. Yes. That's why I have not been writing in here as much. Not that I written that much to begin with.

I sat right in front of her across the table at the canteen the other day and talked to her friends like there was nothing going on. Just to irritate her. Good thing she was done with her food and just waiting for her friends to finish their drinks before leaving soon after. Being the PK does allow me that freedom; to inquire about programs in progress despite the fact that they hate me. Oh the bliss!

Dinner beckons. Tonight they are cooking. From what I smelled, it might be something with dried chilly and lots of garlic and ginger. Love those sambal Z makes. It tastes better than mine, with me being the culinary master and everything. Hew hew hew...

semalam

Semalam;

Mak pergi balik sekolah lepas pergi umah pakcik B, sampai Lawas kul 4. Mak gi Bank1, tanya dia ada duit RM5 and RM1 tak mak nak pecah. Dia kata tunggu kejap. Mak tunggu la. Lama betul. Itu pun dia tak pasti ada lagi ke tak. Last-last mak tukar duit RM5 dengan taukeh petrol pump yang datang nak masukkan duit pendapatan dia hari ni je. Ala, mak kenal taukeh tu sebab dia adik ipar landlady mak. Then I went to Bank2 and clearkan kereta. Sambil tu I asked them, (kamcing la sket-sket dengan diorang kat bank tu) kalau mereka ada duit singgit-singgit yang baru. Ada... Oh, mak sungguh gumbira. Then mak pergi Bazaar Ramadhan. Beli kuih lebih sikit hari ni walaupun sorang, sebab mak nak bawak ke rumah pakcik B pulak malam ni. Mak nak pergi tengok baby properly. Then mak pergi supermarket beli buah tangan untuk new baby. Then mak balik. Malam ni I masak.... Sardin cap Ayam! Hamik kau. Mentang-mentang kau ni Mak Ayam gred A, makan pun mesti nak yang ada cap Ayam juga kah? Mak beli kat supermarket tadi sebab mak dah lamaaaa tak makan mackerel tu padahalnya memang one of my favorite things to have. Masak dengan tahap pedas dan masin dan masam yang tinggi (hosmet dan semua yang pernah tinggal atau tumpang umah mak, sedia maklum, mak kuat makan masin, masam dan pedas, seksa jugalah mereka kengkadang. Tapi mak tak pedulik. Ko nak tawar cam hotel, pi dok hotel atau, masak sendirik). I also got some cooked veggies from the bazaar. So malam tadi simple je berbuka cuz, mak sorang, nak beli ayam and daging pun, nanti mak sempat ke nak masak semua sekali sebelum balik kampung kali ni. Lagipun, I've cleaned up my fridge. Dalam tu ada la the odd mayonnaise and honey and the kek sarawak 3 buku tu, waiting for my departure tomorrow.

Hah? Esok dah nak balik ke?

Berbuka pun, tatau kul berapa sebab semenjak mereka buka masjid baru, mereka belum lagi pasang speaker besar tu, dah lama tak dengar azan. Mak tunggu sampai kil 6.16, baru la minum. Apa lagi? Sirap selasih dengan kembang semangkuk siap satu jag. Wohoho.

Lepas makan, shower, solat and then pergi amik kawan kat umah dia and headed to the mosque untuk tarawikh. Lepas tarawikh, my friends tu setuju nak follow me to the kampung cuz nak tengok new baby. Pergilah kami, hujan lak tu. And then sampai sana, rupanya kampung tu tengah blackout. Ingatkan orang nak jimat karan, gelap je semua.

Lepas sejam kat sana, mata pun dah ngantuk, balik la kami.

Petang ni;

Nak pergi carwash, cuci kereta luar dalam, pergi salon potong rambut. Repack my things and things I wanna take along with me balik kampung kali ni.

Esok; at this hour, I will be in KK looking for some udang kering for me mum and then to the airport.

Kenapa excited sangat kali ni?

p/s: N mintak alamat rumah pagi semalam. When I asked him what for? He said nak pergi (yeah, right) tapi I mocked some grumbling like I tak nak dia datang. So dia tukar, katanya nak hantar barang, hopefully sampai sebelum Raya. Yeah, right. Tak faham betul aku si N ni. Kekadang, enigma sangat.

rejoice

I am going to Limbang tomorrow morning for an exams briefing. It is just a short trip, but I here I am, having that anxiety as always.

Right before a trip, I will have this thing where I am not really nervous, but I just can't sleep. Maybe it was also because of the 3 glasses of iced nescafe my housemate made for berbuka puasa today. I seldom have coffee after 12 noon, for fear of not being able to go to sleep later on. But then, I am always had trouble sleeping before a trip. But since tomorrow was gonna be just Limbang, I wonder if my pre-trip anxiety is just getting worse now that I don't travel as much as I used to, when I was still new in this profession.

It's close to 3.00 am and I am watching Kathy Griffin on YouTube. Get a life, you say? I wish. I really would like to get some sleep, even if it is just gonna be 2 measly hour of the 8 that I'd usually need to function well the next day. I'd probably sleep all the way there and also at the briefing and embarrass myself. I should train myself not to get too worked up over a trip somewhere because that is not healthy. And I really should lay off the caffeine after 1pm. I was worried that my housemate was feeling a little down cuz her laptop won't start and our friend the computer geek told her that it is not the software, it is the hardware. So I said, you can make whatever you want for iftar, deary.

I made masak lemak daging with pucuk ubi. Missing my mom's cooking actually. She makes kick-ass everything cuz she likes to 'kick it up a notch' with everything. Mine was not exactly pitiful, but it couldn't beat my mom's masak lemak daging with pucuk ubi. I also made some sambal belacan to go with the left over blanched pucuk ubi. I haven't had pucuk ubi with sambal belacan since like, forever. And I am so into greens. I even take the small peria (some people call it peria katak [barf!]) as ulam.

Petang tadi we went to the market to get some fish for the pegedil ikan. On the way back to the car, we walked through the bazaar and ended up with a piece of roti canai, and some kuih. I ate my karipap, but I can't eat my seri muka and kelupis after my rice meal. I eat a lot. But fasting must have shrunk my bottomless pit somewhat to make me feel full. But I think that is also age. I know once, when I was in uni, being depressed some of the time, I was able to finish 2 giant plates of rice and all the good stuff, to my mother's delight, who is a fiend when it comes to cooking. It's not like that anymore and that has been since... I don't know.

Anyway, I love Ramadhan. I have a reason to skip breakfast and lunch and not feel guilty because my housemate would have to starve along with me because she would be fasting along with me. I know we have to eventually come to the end of it and celebrate the 1st of Syawal, but really, I don't know if I am committing a sin here by saying that, but sometimes, I wish I can have Ramadhan all year long.

I know, that is crazy, nasty and horrible. People might ask, what if it really happens and we all go through famine or something? Then what? I don't know. I am not saying I hate Raya and all that jazz. Maybe it is bad of me to say that I prefer Ramadhan than Syawal. It's not just the constant feeling of bloatedness that comes along with Syawal, it is also the dreaded visits of family, relatives and friends. And then it is also the valid excuse my mom would have to be able to drag me all over the place to meet with relatives I never knew we had, without me whining about having to go. Selfish, childish me. But that was then. When I was younger. Now that I am older, I realized the value of keeping the relationship alive. But I still pick my allies because I was bitten once, and I don't think I can bare letting myself being bitten again.

Besides, I am not saying this because I am bitter and I am not denying that there are wondeful memories that come along with it, but it is sad for me to also admit, when it comes to celebrating Raya, that most of the things I remember from my childhood had been crazy, hectic and not very pleasant. No, I am not writing this to blame anyone. They didn't know what was happening to me with that being the yearly servings of Raya. But really, growing up with those things embedded in my mind, makes me yearn for Ramadhan to last forever. Things were calmer during Ramadhan. Raya was not evil. The people and the atmosphere created by the people was. I have never really enjoyed my Raya, as in really enjoyed it, by being breathless and wild-eyed and filled with wonder and anticipation. Apart from the new clothes and shoes, I don't remember looking forward to anything much, when I was growing up.

So, it is funny for me when I see people around me getting into the mood of celebration when I myself feel that it is gonna be the same day as any other day in my whole entire life. I might as well be a hermit. Don't you think?

I understand that we have to celebrate the coming of Syawal because it commemorates the end of the fasting month of Ramadhan and we should all rejoice and it it sunat to do certain stuff on that auspicious day. I understand that and it is a good thing to have something to look forward to at the end of a struggle, to celebrate, to share. I do see the point. I just find it hard to get myself in the mood.

Kesian my mom, because she is the one yang sibuk-sibuk tempahkan baju kurung raya for me each and every year. I don't remember buying or paying anyone to make me my own baju raya. I just don't feel like it.

I remember, when I was a little kid, mom would bering home something she had tailor-made (mom prefers it that way instead of buying them off the rack cuz they won't fit as well and she used to make her own clothes. I don't know why she stopped) and made me wear them complete with the new shoes and made me strut around the house, before changing back into what I was wearing for bed. Then I remember my mom baking cookies and cakes in her spare time to prepare for the day. She would clean up and make rendang and all that stuff people serve for Raya. Dad, he would always, always make lemang. He would be the one tending to the flames making sure that there is the right lemang for everyone. Mom likes it with the crust thick and hard. I like mine without. He'd also help mom stir the dodol for hours on end. My brothers and I would help stir the thick gooey concoction too. It would take hours, and although I am not a big fan, it was fun making it.

Then there is the house-cleaning and putting up the new curtains and changing the cushion covers, and she would take out her knitted chairbacks and table covers. We'd be wiping and vacuuming till the wee hours of the morning, working together and having fun.

When the next day comes, we'd all feel giddy with excitement. Wake up, mandi sunat Raya, go to the mosque, minta ampun and maaf from everyone, dapat duit raya, wait for people to come visit (mom never lets me and W go beraya to our neighbor's houses, which I can't really explain, but I am glad that she didn't because I know I would have hated going from house to house of people I don't know simply because I have to go with the flow because all the other kids are going). And then stuffing our faces with the delightful feast mom and dad had prepared. I loved mom's cookies. She made them so intricately. Even when she was working she made the cookies herself. We never bought our cookies.

As I grew older, mom taught me and ever since I have been the one with the full responsibility of making the signature fruitcake and cookies. But since I have never had the patience to mold them individually and wait for them to bake, I concentrated more on making the cake. I once made 16 cakes that took 4 hours to bake, (actually, I steamed them) each! Just so mom could give them away when she visits or have visitors. I wish I could still do that, but then I came here to work and never seemed to budge afterwards. Balik Raya pun mesti dah tinggal 2 hari atau 1 hari je puasa lagi, so I would usually manage 2 or 3, and I tempah je kek Sarawak to take home with me. Maybe I should make them here and take home so that the house would not be messy for Raya?

I assure you, it was all wonderful so what is it about this whole thing that made me hate it so much?

Maybe I know why but choose not to discuss it further on this entry. Maybe when I am stronger and able to face the realities of my existence.

When I am ready.

today

There is nothing much to tell in here. I just wanted to have this thing updated before I go to bed.

S text me saying she is coming over to send me some pulut durian, some Kelantanese cuisine. I don't really like pulut things, but I was hungry and it was not that bad, so I ate it. She cooks now. Cool. I wonder why she never did when she lived here.

Then I cooked lunch, had lunch.

Then I moved the furniture around a bit and vacuum-cleaned my bedroom and the living room. Then I mopped up everything. Last night, before bed, I folded everything up except my work clothes cuz they are gonna be ironed. I thought I'd do it today, but then, I didn't.

Then I spent the long and lonely Saturdaybeing lazy in between washing laundry and waiting for it to finish and hanging them outside and waiting for them to dry so I can fold them straight away.

I like cleanliness. I like tidiness. I like order. But really, I am lazy. Very lazy. I sort of let things slide until I can't stand it anymore, then I would do a spring cleaning. While keeping things clean and tidy every day is the right thing to do, like I said earlier, I am LAZY. So better I do it once in a while rather than don't do it at all. That's what I think.

I thought I'd go to Jerudong Park last Thursday, but everyone pulled out so I had to cancel that plan. No use going to cool theme park alone, especially when you don't know the way. And I was not in the mood for an adventure.

Then there was that phone call telling me that I have to go to Kuching this Sunday. I went to school and spent the whole morning trying to get to the person who called me that day, because the damned PAR was inept at taking messages. He didn't even take my reference number for my flight! Urgh! And the problem is there is no letter that says I was the one expected to attend the course. Why this is highly unlikely? Because ever since I took up this job at my school, I never ever had the chance to attend anything and leave the school for a course or anything. The fax machine was broken, so they can't fax the letter. They didn't issue the call letter, so that was impossible.

I spent the whole morning trying to get to that guy to find out more about it but he turned off his phone, the people at his work place told me he was facilitating another thing at the PKG. So I called the MAS office and inquired about my ticket. Imagine my horror (because I told N I was coming already) when they told me that there is no ticket booked for me on sunday at 2.20pm.

Lagilah aku gelabah and panic nak cakap dengan orang tu kat SPA. Geram! Tak dapat dapat sampai kul 2.15 masa office belah petang. Tapi syukur lah dapat jua akhirnya.

I asked him about the whole thing and since we knew each other, he assured me that it was in fact my name stated in the call letter and proceeded to give me my reference number. So now I can get myself the FAX ticket to fly to Miri to get to that flight and that the flight was not on Sunday in fact. In was on Monday. Nak aje aku maki PAR tu. Kenapa aku marah sangat dengan dia over this? Sebab aku biased. Because he stole my new cellphone. I didn't see it myself, but I knew it was him and everyone else was sure it was him. And he's stolen many times before. School property. And since no one saw him doing it, we couldn't press charges of course. Semoga Tuhan sahaja yang membalas jasa baik dia suatu hari nanti.

Everything about the course dah clear, I drove back as quickly as I could because earlier that morning, kak Z called telling she was in town. Kak Z in S's older sister and they seem like langit dan bumi. Tataw la if I am wrong again. She had been so nice to me when I am in KK. I thought I'd return the favor. That was the firs time she ever came to my town. But then I had to settle the car payment and insurance thing before the day was over, sebab dah Jumaat and then that i won't be around next week to handle those things. Then I went to KFC and bought some chicken. Sebab I don't think they would come over to my place to wait for me to prepare a late lunch. But when I got to S place, I don't see her car there anymore. I called and called. No answer. I called S, also no answer. Then I called Ani. She told me kak Z had already left. It was not even 4.30. Apa yang dia takut sangat? The border is just an hour from here. Not like us, it would be 2 hours to get to the border if we lengah-lengah nak balik bila pergi rumah dia. And I wanted to give her the telekung I bought at Serikin. That would have been a nice gift. I do think.

Last-last, I went home, simpan the chicken in the fridge. I have been having chicken the whole day. Takpe... All protein and some fat.

I got my FAX ticket online last night. 11.55am on Monday. I can't wait to see him again!!!

I am going to KK tomorrow morning. Pick up Z at the airport. That girl booked a 2.30 pm flight on Sunday. There is no way she would be able to get back to town tomorrow because there would be no bus or taxi to take her here. I am not sure if that was on purpose while she knew well that I was not planning to go back to KL and we'd be able to come back here together in my car on the way back. But she is a pretty decent house mate, and I would have an excuse to go to KK and buy myself new pairs of jeans to add to my collection.

I am all excited to be able to see him again.

Esok, nak finish mark exam papers, calculate marks, pack a little and sambung when I get back from KK nanti. I am so excited. Risaulah. I always jinx things when I am this excited. And yes, I am very superstitious. I better not get too excitedlah. Nanti I will be the one yang akan terseksa akan sebab kekecewaan.

Well, I don't look it. But my spirits are high. Maybe because I have the house to myself and I get to clean up very well and still have time to enjoy the house and all its loneliness.

And probably because I am gonna see him again sooner that we thought earlier and he's asked me to extend my stay this time. Entahlah. Not like there would be a hotel room available dengan regatta that they are going to have over Independence Day. And don't even think that I would spend the few days at his place. I know my boundaries and I don't see any excuse why I should not apply the same boundaries with him. I'd rather not stay and return as scheduled than do that. We'll see how it is. I will extend my stay if there is an affordable room left and if I can get my ticket changed. The room first and then change the ticket atau the ticket first then the room? We'll see when I get there.

I hope this is a good sign. I really do hope he is the one. But if he isn't, that's okay too, cuz I am a survivor, and I am totally aware of myself, where I have certain expectations (very normal ones, of course) and I do have certain hopes for it. I haven't enough experience, but I do understand the importance of not going ahead of myself with any relationship. Let it flow and go with it. I strongly believe that if it happens, it will happen. If it doesn't, then it is not meant to be in the first place anyway, and the best thing to do is just pick yourself up and go on. It's illogical to pine away from something that was never meant to be yours anyway.

Yeah, well. I am excited about him sebab, he seems to be the right person for me. I couldn't handle J because he wants more than I could give him. He was nice. I was just always sad that I always disappoint him and make him mad, and make myself mad. And we fight so much. Well, fighting can be a good thing. For me, that is, since I am all fire and crazy. But then I don't think my borderline hypertension can handle that the rest of my life. Kan? And I don't think J can handle that either. It was for the best. Even if I did it the wrong way.

N is calm and serenity. I don't really wish that to turn into boredom, but I'll work myself around that when and if we truly do end up being together. Dia... jenis ajak bergaduh pun buat dek je. Benci!

We'll see.

I am so excited.

what have i done the last few days

Hey yas....

Am back from Kuching, nak cuci baju, air takde pulak. So, apa lagi nak buat, in this house, all alone? While the things that has happened are still fresh in my mind, I better do it now.

Before I go ahead, I have to warn you, that this is a big ass long entry.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I went to school that morning as usual. Saja nak tunjuk muka and leave things to do to people while I am gone. Macamlah I will be gone forever, kan? Tapi tu lah, memang I have not left the school for long periods of time, since I pegang jawatan ini. So, of course I am a little nervous. Manalah tau, jadi anarchy pulak nanti kan? Choy! Taklah, the students here belum sampai tahap tu lagi. Tapi, manalah tahu...

Then I drove home, beli nasi lemak and balik rumah. Oh, I haven't had breakfast pun. Oh, ye breakfast is a big deal for me. And dinner.

Anyway, ingatkan balik tu nak pack up my stuff and run some errands in town and then tie up some loose ends tapi lepas tu I ended up updating my blog and barely got my stuff packed?

Anyway, right as I was stepping out of the shower, my friend called me and I told her to give me 15 minutes to get dressed and pick her up.

But then after I picked her up, I had to go back home to get my charger for camera battery. Penting woooo.... kalau tertinggal, mau mati dibuatnya wo.... Then tetiba Hajjah Kyah (ni hajjah betul, occay?) came to my place, just as I was getting back into my car. Terkujat plak, cuz I thought she was gonna go with the other Kyah. She told me there was a change in plans because Kyah tu dah pergi awal ke Limbang. So in order to fit Hajjah Kyah's stuff, I had to take out all the sponsored shoes out of the boxes and stacked them up outside my gate.

We were on the way la lepas tu.

Sampai Limbang, pergi taklimat. I was Jurulatih Tak Bertauliah. Tatau ah kenapa mereka nak juga letak mak kat dalam team tuh. Tapi, okaylah, kalau mereka perlukan moral support from me more than they need me as a coach, so be it. Sungguh berkuasa panaskah mak?

Anyway, lepas habis taklimat, mak edarkan barangan sponsored to my players. And seeing that there were cars blocking mine in the crowded parking lot, we went back into the building for tea and some cake. Yes, there were cakes. Chocolate sponge cakes.

Then bawa Hjh Kyah and kak Chae (yang the other friend yang ikut sekali in my car) makan ais kacang kat satu kedai ni. Katanya best la kedai neh. Tapi takde ais kacang original la. Semua yang jenis fancy schmancy. Tapi sebab dah tekak nak makan ABC tapi takde kat tempat lain and also malas nak ke sana ke mari dalam panas buta tu, makan je la kat situ.

Then, we ols ke plaza to do some shopping. Merekalah yang shopping. Kak Chae ikut adik dia later on. Me, I just got myself a new back pack and a haircut, cuz I have been losing a lot of hair. My hair is wavy, ada ke cina kedai tu suggest I straighten it? Hello, I love my wavy hair just the way it is, and just because you can't handle such a complicated style, does not mean I have to conform to the mass. Sorrylah, mak nak straighten my hair lagi ever again. Dah buat sekali dulu, memang la berseri kilatnya. Tapi, muka mak ni yang tak berseri. Sebab bila my hair that frames my face ni dah jadi lurus, ianya menjadikan muka mak ni bertambah bulat, sebulat bola netball. Mak sedar muka mak memang macam bulan purnama bulatnya, itu la all the more reason for me to stick to my natural curls and work with what I have.

FYI, I love my netball face and wavy hair just fine. Itu pasal mak hangin bila mamat tu kata, "Stretten...." dengan selamba badaknya sedang mak berfikir-fikir nak buat lagu mana rambut mak ni. Hangin, babe!

All I wanted was to shorten in with layers. Hopefully that would minimize the hair fall.

Lepas cuci, dia potong. And lepas blow dry, di kirai-kirainya rambut mak! Lagi la mak hangin. Tapi, rambut tu jadi cantik pulak, walau lepas kena kirai. Mak sker!

Lepas tu mak pakai tudung balik, then temankan di Kyah kecik (dia muda dari Hajjah walau nama sama) beli kasut. Selamanyalah aku dok kat dalam salon tu dia tak pergi beli kasut? Rupanya, dia kena tinggal dengan Hajjah, sebab Hajjah pergi CC nak send her assignment kepada pensyarah. Abis kalau sorang tak boleh beli ke, mak tanya dia, dia kata tak bleh. Oh, manjanyalah kau dengan Hajjah Kyah ye? Memang... dia jawab. Adoi adoi...

Lepas tu aku pi cari Hajjah kat CC and dia pun dah selesai mengemail. Kami pun terus pergi kedai kasut sebuah ni. Banyak kedai kasut kat plaza ni, tapi dah sampai situ ada lak yang berkenan, masuk je lah, kan?

Try punya try, dia pergi nak beli kasut warna hitam? It was a pair of black ballet pumps. Aku geram betul. Aku katalah, ko tu muda lagi yang beli kasut cam ni apsal? Aku pun amik la another ballet pumps tapi in gold and has lots of frills on top. Hey, it's not gaudy, it's all about being bold at her age, OK?

Teruslah dia beli tu. Hehehe... kalau kaki ku tak sebesar kaki big foot, aku pun dah sewat satu, taw?

Lepas tu, tetiba dah malam. Mak pergi makan dengan Hajjah Kiah, kat open air tu, mak makan apa? Tak ingat lah. Anyway, lepas tu....

Lepas tu cuba teka mak pergi mana? Mak pergi Penjara Limbang.

No, bukan pergi melawat saudara mak yang banduan, Hajjah Kyah ajak mak spend the night kat umah cousin dia yang happened to be a warder penjara tu. Huhuhuh...

Tingkat 5... mak sikit lagi nak mam... Takde lift, of course. Usually, I would jump at every opportunity untuk kesihatan ni, tapi mak was not in the mood for that that night. Tapi mak naik jugalah, takkan tak tido kat bawah tangga kut?


Thursday, August 16, 2007

I woke up at 5, showered, dressed, packed and had breakfast. Then we both went downstairs, got our stuff to the side of the road, I parked my car a little to the back of the flat building.

Stopped in Miri, and we stopped at every truck stop, ad he eats at every stop. Gila punya driver. Badan dia tak lah gemuk. Is he diabetic, or just has worms?

Friday, August 17, 2007

Half way there, I realized I wanted to see N. Very much so. And I should take that risk and just give him a call.

So I did.

"How is everything?"
"I am fine, so much problems here, have to sort things out,"
"Hmm..."
"So the Pesta is going on at the moment, kan?"
"I don't know... I have school. Tapi tadi tengok persiapannya dah full swing."
"Ye ke? Tapi tadi I heard on the radio...."
"Yeah, well, I have something to tell you, jangan marah..."
"OK..."
"I am on my way to Kuching." I went on explaining why I am on my way to Kuching. He waited for me to finish albeit impatiently.
"You are? Where are you now?" Oh God, that excitement in his voice just broke the ice that's been encasing my heart.
"I don't know. Somewhere. After Sarikei. We spent the night there" Looked at the signboards outside. "Sungai Krian."
"Sungai Krian? Looks like you will be here this afternoon. When are you scheduled to arrive?"
"I am not very aware of the bus driver's schedule... but maybe this afternoon,"
"Okay, then I will call you when you get here."
"No, I will call you when I get there."

Then we stopped at Everise Batu 4. For an hour.

On the bus again, just as the bus trembles back to live, my phone rings. It was him.

"Are you here yet?"
"No, we stopped at Everise Batu 4. And I am not too sure when I will get there, so I don't wanna bother you with phone calls until I get there."
"Okay then, just tell me when you get there."

We did get there, finally, at 5 or something. I called him and asked him... rather told him that I intend to see him tonight, even though he would be the one driving. He asked ot be given half an hour to think.

Think? What is wrong with this guy? He has not seen me for months and when I am finally within reach, he has to think? Just get your ass down here, right now! I don't care about the rest. Even if we have to be stuck in the car all night.

I told him I will settle down in the hostel first, before I get a shower get ready to go out with him.

Half an hour later, he called me and said,

"I am three minutes to the hostel."

He was soooo funny! Padan muka dia kena tunggu me. for 10 more minutes.

I had already showered and put on my make up.

Hoi, before you go judging me, let me tell you this, pandai la korang nak kata I don't like women who puts on too much make up. I'm not gonna say if I put too much on or not, but the thing is, a good powder will even out the skin tone, and a great thick lash will make you seem dreamy and a great lip gloss will make you ten years younger. And I don't give a rat's ass for you losers who does not know how hard for a girl to look natural with make up because I buy my make up myself, with my money and this is my face I am putting it on, and it is N who is gonna look at it and hate or appreciate it.

Oh, and the next time you go on a date, just look closely at your gf and see if she really is au naturel or just too good at putting on make up that you just can't tell.

Anyway, I was sweating bullets by the time I was done getting dressed! Benci!!! I was drenched! How do you try to look relaxed when you are drenched in perspiration! On your first date after months! Aku benci!!!

But I did my best. Everyone in the dorm was surprised to see me all primped up with my Nose sexy heels when in the whole two days to get there, I wore baggy tees and jeans and a sort of a cowboy boots. Frumpy... But they've never seen me at school either. I do dress well when I go to work or when I have to show up for official events. I'm into classic, and I am bad at casual. That's all.

He's been calling me twice to make sure he got to the right place, making me even more nervous. On the way to his car, I don't know what kind of car he drives, and I was talking in the phone, but I could see his silhouette in the car, so I went straight to it, and in doing that, I caught the attention of a very manly looking of a certain Miss Tan(No, I am not saying that she has the hots for me. She is a very nice lady). She quipped that I looked nice, I joked back, Mestilah, nak jumpa lou kung, kan? Dalam hati, God damnit! Kenapa mulut aku ni laju sangat?

I just quickly jumped into the car and said hi to him without even looking at him, as I was still talking to Miss Tan. I finally said goodbye to her and closed the door a few seconds later. I hope that would have made enough impression that I am calm and collected.

Please la... The sudden temperature shift from the hot and humid outside and cold and crisp of the inside of his car was a shock to me and I started feeling self-conscious about being so sweaty. Thank God, the ac was on full blast that my body temp went down a few moments later and I was all dry by the time we got to the place near the river at Fort Margharita.

The food sucked. But I think he was nervous too. So the food didn't matter much. We didn't say much there. We talked about mundane stuff, work, general stuff, life. After paying up, we got back in the car, and we just drove around.

He reached for my hand which I laid on my handbag on my lap. I didn't hold his hand back. I looked outside, like it didn't matter. His hand stayed over mine for a while until he had to shift gears. Then he kept them on the wheels.

He doesn't know how that little gesture made me feel inside. So I reached for his hands, weaved my fingers in between his brought it to my lips and kissed the back of his hand and held on to it on my lap. We held hands in silence. He just drove. I looked outside, trying hard not to cry, staring hard into the darkness outside.

"I never left you."
"Then why did you have to stay away for so long?"
"I just had to get away. In business that is called a retreat. It's good for the soul." Augh!
"Am I adding to your problems?"
"No."
"Am I a problem? Am I making things difficult for you?"
"No, no, no. There are so many problems at the moment. I just can't drop everything and go see you."

He did say that he wished that we'd lose all our games so he'd be able to have me all day Sunday. Was that bad of him? No, I told him Limbang never won. He just said that so he could have more time with me.

The rest of the ride was spent quietly. I had to go back to the hostel for the briefing for coaches and managers at the school hall. He sent me back to the hostel and promised to pick me up for breakfast the next day and dropping me off for the match afterwards.

I went to the briefing, followed by a meeting with the organizer of our respective events.

That night, Kapit pulled out at the last minute, so we ended up playing the first game. No breakfast with N.

That night, we reshuffled the team because we were short of veteran players. So in the end, I ended up being the manager and the lady who was manager, had to play GS, which I was supposed to play.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

How did we do? Badly. As expected. We lost all three games. But I am still proud of my girls because they did make an effort to put up a fight. These people are mostly state-level players and they have the know hows of everything from nutrition to practice and exercises. How can my team beat them? I look at it as a learning curve that will prepare me for next year, if we are given another chance that is.

That night, we went to Topspot for dinner. Dinner was a lot of seafood and air kelapa. Then because there was so much left over, he asked for the waitress to ta pao it. Then we drove to his place and dropped the ta pao there for his daughter. His maid came out. His youngest daughter was probably upstairs. Then he showed me around his neighborhood and where his workplace was. It was within the housing area. Which is a great thing, from my point of view.

Then it was late, he took me back to the school where my team and I were staying.

In case you are thinking why doesn't he put me up in a hotel room where it would be more comfortable, he shouldn't, I am team manager, and leaving them behind when I go see him is bad enough, I should not abandon them altogether.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

He called me and said he would pick me up in an hour. I showered and dressed and again, he was early. Everyone else have left earlier by bus on their own day trip around the city.

We went to Bau for a hearty breakfast of tempoyak goreng, fried salted eggs, rice and ayam pansoh. Who has those for breakfast? We did. And as funny as most people would think those sounded, they were great. Especially with N across the table, anything would be great.

The we went to Serikin where people go to buy things at a cheap price because the things being sold there are from Indonesia. He could have taken me to Tebedu, but I don't have an international passport. So Serikin was the next best thing.

I walked all over the place not buying anything but I took a lot of photos, telling him I don't know what to buy, but I know my mom would have a great time here. After looking at those things and getting all sweaty, we got back in the car, and as he maneuver the car through the throng of people, I called W on my cell phone telling her where I was, and asked her what would she want from there. Handbags.

I got off the car, and N sempat cakap, why not get the pretty prayer shrouds for my mom. And while he got the car out of the market, I went to bargain for those things. I got three handbags, 2 prayer shrouds with gold ruffles and a sunglass.

Cool.

Got back in the car, and after stopping by at the market for some vegetables, we drove back to town. And where did he take me? To his office!

There he turned on his computer and made me sit in his chair and actually told me to use the internet. He's loosened up all right, but now he is nervous again. I wondered why, subconsciously.

He told me that he was offered to run the same college in KK. He has his misgivings and still thinking about it. He likes KK, but then it would mean leaving something he had worked hard for. I told him, just because he likes something doesn't mean that he has to live there. It can always be a retreat for him. Actually living there would take that something special from it. He said he's still thinking about it. Besides, nanti dapat major pain because the people in Sabah is not exactly like people in Sarawak. He might regret his decision.

I sat in his chair, but I told him that I am fine, I don't need to use the internet, but I fiddled around with his computer and then he pulled out a drawer in his desk.

"Here, I wanna show you something."
It was a piece of paper congratulating him for a job well done.
"Awww... congratulations! I am so proud of you!"
"Wait, wait, read till the end!" He was so happy, like a little boy! I read on.
It was a piece of paper congratulating him for a job well done and the prize is a honeymoon trip for two for umrah or Indonesia and must be claimed in 12 months time.
"Alah, that is so sweet. Kesiannya... Tak boleh pergi seorang ke?"
Then he did the cutest thing, I think. He took something from the drawer and clipped my photo onto the letter. I was speechless.

But we both laughed and I took that as a joke of course. No use taking everything seriously and ruin things. Really, I didn't mind.

There was The Battle of The Bands going on at his college at that time. I think he was at the office because he wanted to watch out for trouble makers because all the while we were there, he kept going outside and watching for suspicious groups of people. Besides, he has always spent Sundays at the office, he didn't know exactly what to do with me around? I don't know.

I fiddled with my laptop that I took with me because of the safety issue at the school. I moved new images from my already filled up camera memory card to the laptop and looked at new ones while he worked on his computer. Then I got sleepy and took a nap, propping myself on his desk. It was all good. Then I woke up, he was praying and I didn't know what else to do, so I got myself online and updated my blog.

Then it was 4 pm and he was hungry again when he realized that we have not had lunch yet. I tak perasan I was hungry because I had a lot of mints.

We went for nasi goreng kampung with Tandoori chicken. I saw some lamb curry, so he got me that too. He feeds me like a daughter.

Afterwards, we went driving around, and he got me some ayam percik and nasi kerabu for dinner. Tapao'ed because we were still very full from 'lunch' at 4 pm. I asked him to buy me a plastic sack to put all my dirty laundry.

I ended up sharing all that food with the rest of my roomates because they have yet to have dinner. Kesian they all tu. Bus driver cam shial. Benci! Tapi takpelah, I was really still full, so there was plenty to share.

Malam tu tetiba orang kata, kita akan balik jam 4.00 pagi. I felt like crying. But all I did was paksa myself to sleep and hope for the best, as they all went downstairs to watch the karaoke competition at the school hall. They had asked me to put on some make up on them. They were so happy, I just couldn't believe it.

Then they told me that they will discuss the departure time further the next day before breakfast. Tennis tak habis lagi. Tapi ada orang nak ambil PTK.

I called and text him telling him about it. He doesn't answer the phone after 8pm. I knew that. I left him a voice message.

Monday, August 20, 2007

He called me at 5.54am asking me where I was, thinking that I have left. I told him there was a change of plans and we won't know till they talk about it later.

So everyone left for breakfast while I waited for him in our room. When he called again, I was already putting on my shoes.

We went for breakfast, of mee jawa and satay. Satay? For breakfast? Here they do have satay for breakfast.

Then we drove around and I made a lot of videos of him telling jokes. We laughed so much! I took a whole lot more photos of us. We looked like we were having a lot of fun in them. I love those photos. And I took so many because I would at least have these if he decides to hide away again.

I told him that only go to KK if he wants to have a new challenge. He said if he decides to go there, it would be for good and he would just settle down there and build a new life there. Whatever his decision, I hope that life would include me.

Then he bought me nasi tapao of kari kambing. Aww... To me that is adorable.Suka hati korang la nak kata he is strange ke apa ke. The thing is, he makes sure that I am properly fed, even up to the very last moment we were spending together. That's nice and sweet of him. And don't go making him look and sound creepy.

Anyway, then he sent me back to the school. He told me that he didn't buy me that sack, because he's got three bags in the trunk instead for me to choose from. He opened the trunk and I just picked the huge green luggage. He just looked at me and my selection. I asked him if he bought it on one of his Mecca trips. Somehow the arab words in the tiny sticker just made me wanna say Mecca. And he asked me how I knew. Oh it was the sticker, I said, and he went back into his car, I opened the front passenger side door, leaned in and salam and kissed his hand and said goodbye.

There was plenty of time to pack up my things and plenty of room too with more than enough left for my friends to tumpang the bag and also the netball ball and bibs too. I realized it was a Samsonite. Patutla beg tu nampak menarik je. Hahaha... but it's mine now. He said so. So while the rest of the team went to get some lunch at the cafeteria we never knew was there, I laid in the bed looking at the videos we made earlier in the morning while waiting to get downstairs.

Barang-barang semua dah bawa turun kecuali my last luggage and back pack. Tunggu, tunggu. Dah kul 11.30 I went turned off the lights and fan and went to sit at the top of the stairs where I would be able to see the bus when it comes around.

When it did, my team members belum lagi turun from the cafeteria. I ended up lifting all their bags and mine into the bus after calling them on my cellphone to get their asses on the bus or else. Oddly, after all that heavy lifting, my spirits were still very much high up in the air. Usually, I would be stark raving mad because I hate having to do things for other people unnecessarily. But since I love my girls so much, I'll excuse their tardiness this time. And because I was still all dreamy over N and the fun we had all morning.

The trip back was crazy. We left Kuching at 12 and we reached Miri at 6am the next day. The driver is crazy, I tell you. Just pee stops, no shower. I had my videos and photos on my camera, so I was fine.

In Limbang, we were dropped off at the penjara and then Hajjah and I stopped by Kyah's palce for some durian fix. It was great. There was plenty and I ate with such glee.

Then it was time to go home, not after some sup tulang for a late lunch at a restaurant in Limbang.

Sampai Lawas... I realized forgot to call my landlady to tell her I was coming home. I didn't think it was a big problem because it was Monday and they have a business to run. I was wrong. It was the school break, of course they would be off gallivanting somewhere with their kids! Bodo la aku!

I called them and true enough, they were just leaving KK and in Papar at that moment. Matila aku kena tunggu. I asked Hajjah Kyah to join me for lepak and tea at the wharf and then when it was time to leave, I went to the riverside and lepak there alone. Then it got so boring, I went to the gas station, filled up and drove to Punang. There, I sat in the car, in the dark and attempted to play the games on the cellphone. I sucked. Then my phone rang and it was my landlady telling me that she was home. I drove back and unpacked my car.

Wanted to do my laundry, but there was no water. Geram betul. So what else is there to do other than update my blog.

It's 3 am and I am still here writing, because I don't wanna do it when I have forgotten most of the details.

I'll post photos tomorrow. Oh... we're going to Jerudong Park on Thursday. Is that awesome or what?

cat city bliss

Coba teka, mak kat mana sekarang ni? Hehehehe... Hehehehehehe.... Huehehehehe...

Memang korang tak akan dapat teka punya even in several million years. Hrm... tapi kalau I have been giving you such a hype, musti korang dapat teka punye.

Mak masih di Kuching. And now mak online... kat mana ye? Erm.. bukan CC... bukan, bukan...

Mak kat opis Avang N.

Ye, mak rasa macam ... biasa je. Tapi sebenarnya mak agak happy cuz mak dah patch things up dengan Avang N. Dia kata dia pergi sekejap dulu cuz it is good to get away and think about things and get everything into perspective. And he had to get away. That he was here all the while and we never did break up. I never said we broke up. But my problem is that I don't like the fact that he has to be all by himself for such a long time.

Just now dia tetiba je cakap, I never broke up with you.

I knew that. It just felt like we did. It just made me feel like I am investing myself and my time in something meaningless. Siapa yang sanggup buat benda sia-sia?

And he said that I should not have worried because he was not planning to leave me at all. All he needed was time by himself, away from me. Boy, I must have been a HUGE problem.

Anyway, I can't describe it. When we were apart, I felt like wringing his neck. I wanted so much for him to feel the pain that I felt. But the moment I saw him, nothing mattered anymore. Not even the 11-month-long wait. Does that mean I am really in love with him and willing to forgive him, or am I just blinded by my feelings for him.

I told him. We can move on and I can forget what has happened in the past on the condition that he can't do the same again in the future. He couldn't say anything to that. I guess some people just need that and since I do love him, I will have to be all right with that. Maybe I am just saying this, tapi rasanya, I think I am not the type yang suka berkepit tu. Occasionally, yes, but not all the time. Besides, I know I can be such a meriam when I am mad at someone, and seeing that he cannot handle that evil in me, so terpaksalah terima hakikat yang it is better if he decides to get away from me and everything in order to recover from it.

Apa saja, if it will make us work. Not desperate la. I love him. Tu je.

And maybe one day he'll realize how much I love him, so he can love me back just as much.

my love, N

I just wish he would Google my blog entry and actually find this blog, and read things I wrote in here, so at least I would have a safe medium to communicate with him.

I guess if he did that, him being him, he would have just disappeared for real. He wants everything to be a secret. Why? Is it because he has a reputation to keep up?

I don't need him to tell the world. I don't need him to tell anyone about us. I am fine about him wanting to keep things low-key. OK. But I keep wondering why is he doing that. My demons keep asking me, really... Am I that dirty of a thing that he has to keep everything away from the world?

But then I always come back to myself. There is nothing to tell anyone about. I am not even sure what we are anymore. And I have stopped having any kind of hope or expectation. In fact, I think it will be better for him to just disappear. Not that I have given up on him. I just think that he is suffering a lot because of me. I am not the person he wants me to be. I don't even want to pretend to be that person, because how long can I do that? And that would be unfair, cuz that would mean that I am lying to him about who I really am. No, I don't have many boyfriends. While I am no angel and I do admit that I am a pain, there are just some things about me that makes me insufferable. I don't think he knows what he is getting himself into.

Besides, I am still wondering why do some people see this "renewing one's love" as something romantic? That's insulting. Why do you need to renew love, of all things? Shouldn't it grow day by day? Shouldn't it grow firm roots in what two people have built that all it can do is grow deeper roots, and higher-reaching buds?

Maybe that's hard to do, given the circumstances. Maybe it's just hard to do. Maybe it is just hard when you try to do it with me.

But my love for him never had an expiry date. I want it to grow. I want it to thrive. But every time I slipped, he just left me sprawling on the ground and kept on walking.

I thought when two people are so incompatible, they can still make it work, by making extra effort.

He is quiet and reserved, I am loud and brash.
He is an introvert, I am an extrovert.
He is gentle and calculating, I am rough and always have the foot in mouth disease.
He's smart, I'm not.
He's closed to the world, I'm open to the world.
He runs and hide, I make a stand and fight.
He sweeps things under the rug, I'd rather make war and have make up s*x afterwards. Uiseh!

But you know what I mean. It is the way I was brought up and the genetics I was bestowed upon. And I am going to be 31, in 2 weeks. How on earth could he expect me to make that huge change for him? I never asked him to change for me. Besides, if I do make the effort to make a change, I would like to know that I am doing it for something worthy of such sacrifice. A year-long absence over a stupid misunderstanding is not something I see as worthy of my devotion and sacrifice. For those who agree with me, raise your hands. *snigger* *snigger*

Even if he does read this, he will only misunderstand my motives in posting these things on the internet.

Unlike him, I need to talk things out. Not to everyone. But to someone whom I can trust not to share how I feel with the world. While this is not exactly keeping a secret safe, at least I am not telling it to anyone I know, well other than the three whom I know reads this from time to time; J, who is my bestest best friend, W, my sister dunia akhirat, and Bella Donna si cumil mungil tue and... oh, I'll stop there. I only have three readers, really. This is safe with them, I solemnly swear. About the others? I am not too worried about them, because they don't know me. I am not a celebrity. A secret is only worth a lot when you can use it against that person whose secret belongs to. And since I am not in their circle of friends, I don't see why perfect strangers have the need to use anything I have written in here against me. Oh, yes, I know sometimes there are people who'd find this link by googling certain words, decide to drop by in here to waste time reading my nonsense. But that's the thing, why would anyone want to read nonsense and waste more time finding out who this nonsensical person is? Having a lot of time in one's hands does have its disadvantages.

So, if N does Google my blog entry that I e-mailed to him the other day and found this blog and reads these things and gets all scared and again, decide to head for the hills, it's up to him... I don't hate him for doing that. I am just tired of giving him the so-called space he hinted that he needs, the time he needs to be away from me, the patience and faith he's asked me to have for this thing we are having. That's another thing, I am in the state of perpetual waiting for... what?

No, I am not in a rush to start anything new with anyone. But that does not make it OK to put me on hold for as long as he finds convenient. Why am I waiting? What am I waiting for?

It's a vicious cycle. I wait so that he would have the peace of mind. Be by himself. But at the same time, I hate being in that state. Waiting. Waiting for the bus that is not coming.

Can't he see? I don't really mind if the bus is not coming. I can just take a taxi or walk. I need to release myself from this state of mind so that my life can get back on its track. Those things I have been doing at work and off work did distract me, but at the end of the day, in bed about to fall asleep, there is nothing I would be thinking about, but him and the possibility that he is in fact is just taking me on a ride. That's no doubt the cruelest thing I can say about him. But that's me. I'd rather provoke someone so that he would prove me wrong. And if it is not true then, what is there for him to worry about? Just tell me I am wrong and he does not appreciate me accusing him of things that is not true. But the thing is, everything I have thought about and written in here has pointed me to that conclusion. And I have begun to think that he realized that he has got himself in a sticky situation with me and doesn't know how to out of it.

Entahlah...

It's true that I like making assumptions. Especially when I am upset and mad over something. I get hysterically mad sometimes. But those assumptions are made to be proven wrong. It is not a final take. It is something I do so that I have somewhere to start when I think about the course of action to take. And there would usually be many assumptions to accommodate the one same situation. I would usually entertain the most obvious or maybe we can say the most improbable because that is usually where the fun is. All there is to do, is deny it and present your arguments to support your denial. Is that so hard to do? Then we can all go out for frozen yogurt. Not hide and cry and hope it will disappear. Cuz it won't. I would go on and on bitching about it, stop when I am tired and then use it against you the next time we fight. Oh yes, haven't you noticed that I am also very vindictive? He should try helping me in that area instead of burying his head in the sand. No, giving me self-help books that I don't bother reading does not cut it.

I do read those books he gave me. But just so I feel vindicated, I can always say I don't, right?

How do I make this work? Keep quiet and wait? It's been a year, last June. Our first anniversary of being apart, really. It would be a year since I last saw him come September. He said he'd be visiting me sooner than he thought, last June. It's August now. What kind of person does he expect me to be? A stupid bimbo whom he can tucked away in a box in a dark corner somewhere and take me out whenever he feels like he needs a toy when he visits this side of the world and tuck me in the box again before he leaves, expecting me to stay all shiny and new the next time he visits? All the while, smiling and thankful that he chose me to play with?

Do I look like that person?

Walking away, is easy. Where is the challenge in that? Don't you think I have thought about that many times before? Even now. Don't you think the people in my life have told me to do the same thing? I think it would be best for the both of us too. But as I said, that is the easiest thing to do. What is there to tell my grandchildren when I am old, on how I remained steadfast and held on to the faith that he would one day come to his senses and make up for lost time.

Come on, it sounds like wishful thinking, but let's call it having faith in a confused man who is fundamentally good. Oh, stop laughing already!

Challenges are created to make life more worthwhile. Without it, I don't see why I should be here, breathing the fresh air of God's green earth.

Gosh, how long had I gone on rambling about him? He means that much to me. That much. I just wish he knew.

And I wish I could tell him. Why I left J in favor of him. If it would make things any better, J was a sick man when I was with him that last time. He was having some difficulty with his health, yes, but that does not debilitate him. I was referring to his mental health. He is not a nut. A mad man, a psycho. He is just a kinky sicko kind of guy. I don't want that life with anyone. I am not built for that kind of thing, I have never considered it as a lifestyle of choice nor do I believe that anyone can condition me into liking or wanting those kinds of things. I don't think J is a bad person. He is wise and we have always talked about everything, my problems and his. And although we do fight incessantly, it worked for us. I just don't want that lifestyle. It is too strange and sick for that kampung girl in me.

N was safe. I don't know about him being boring. But I think his calm and collected personality will give me the serenity and peace of mind to be a more organized and relaxed person. That's the fundamental reason why I left J for N. And call me whatever you want, but J is also happily married with three beautiful boys. I have no way of explaining it. But all I wanted to be was a shoulder to cry on. It's strange how proximity and other circumstances pulls people together and leads people to make a very big mess of their lives.

I love N. I wish he knows that. And if he really does love me still, he should not be afraid of me and my brazen way of handling my life issues. That's how I learned from my mother and I do not know of other ways of doing it.

I think I better stop here and start packing my things.