today

There is nothing much to tell in here. I just wanted to have this thing updated before I go to bed.

S text me saying she is coming over to send me some pulut durian, some Kelantanese cuisine. I don't really like pulut things, but I was hungry and it was not that bad, so I ate it. She cooks now. Cool. I wonder why she never did when she lived here.

Then I cooked lunch, had lunch.

Then I moved the furniture around a bit and vacuum-cleaned my bedroom and the living room. Then I mopped up everything. Last night, before bed, I folded everything up except my work clothes cuz they are gonna be ironed. I thought I'd do it today, but then, I didn't.

Then I spent the long and lonely Saturdaybeing lazy in between washing laundry and waiting for it to finish and hanging them outside and waiting for them to dry so I can fold them straight away.

I like cleanliness. I like tidiness. I like order. But really, I am lazy. Very lazy. I sort of let things slide until I can't stand it anymore, then I would do a spring cleaning. While keeping things clean and tidy every day is the right thing to do, like I said earlier, I am LAZY. So better I do it once in a while rather than don't do it at all. That's what I think.

I thought I'd go to Jerudong Park last Thursday, but everyone pulled out so I had to cancel that plan. No use going to cool theme park alone, especially when you don't know the way. And I was not in the mood for an adventure.

Then there was that phone call telling me that I have to go to Kuching this Sunday. I went to school and spent the whole morning trying to get to the person who called me that day, because the damned PAR was inept at taking messages. He didn't even take my reference number for my flight! Urgh! And the problem is there is no letter that says I was the one expected to attend the course. Why this is highly unlikely? Because ever since I took up this job at my school, I never ever had the chance to attend anything and leave the school for a course or anything. The fax machine was broken, so they can't fax the letter. They didn't issue the call letter, so that was impossible.

I spent the whole morning trying to get to that guy to find out more about it but he turned off his phone, the people at his work place told me he was facilitating another thing at the PKG. So I called the MAS office and inquired about my ticket. Imagine my horror (because I told N I was coming already) when they told me that there is no ticket booked for me on sunday at 2.20pm.

Lagilah aku gelabah and panic nak cakap dengan orang tu kat SPA. Geram! Tak dapat dapat sampai kul 2.15 masa office belah petang. Tapi syukur lah dapat jua akhirnya.

I asked him about the whole thing and since we knew each other, he assured me that it was in fact my name stated in the call letter and proceeded to give me my reference number. So now I can get myself the FAX ticket to fly to Miri to get to that flight and that the flight was not on Sunday in fact. In was on Monday. Nak aje aku maki PAR tu. Kenapa aku marah sangat dengan dia over this? Sebab aku biased. Because he stole my new cellphone. I didn't see it myself, but I knew it was him and everyone else was sure it was him. And he's stolen many times before. School property. And since no one saw him doing it, we couldn't press charges of course. Semoga Tuhan sahaja yang membalas jasa baik dia suatu hari nanti.

Everything about the course dah clear, I drove back as quickly as I could because earlier that morning, kak Z called telling she was in town. Kak Z in S's older sister and they seem like langit dan bumi. Tataw la if I am wrong again. She had been so nice to me when I am in KK. I thought I'd return the favor. That was the firs time she ever came to my town. But then I had to settle the car payment and insurance thing before the day was over, sebab dah Jumaat and then that i won't be around next week to handle those things. Then I went to KFC and bought some chicken. Sebab I don't think they would come over to my place to wait for me to prepare a late lunch. But when I got to S place, I don't see her car there anymore. I called and called. No answer. I called S, also no answer. Then I called Ani. She told me kak Z had already left. It was not even 4.30. Apa yang dia takut sangat? The border is just an hour from here. Not like us, it would be 2 hours to get to the border if we lengah-lengah nak balik bila pergi rumah dia. And I wanted to give her the telekung I bought at Serikin. That would have been a nice gift. I do think.

Last-last, I went home, simpan the chicken in the fridge. I have been having chicken the whole day. Takpe... All protein and some fat.

I got my FAX ticket online last night. 11.55am on Monday. I can't wait to see him again!!!

I am going to KK tomorrow morning. Pick up Z at the airport. That girl booked a 2.30 pm flight on Sunday. There is no way she would be able to get back to town tomorrow because there would be no bus or taxi to take her here. I am not sure if that was on purpose while she knew well that I was not planning to go back to KL and we'd be able to come back here together in my car on the way back. But she is a pretty decent house mate, and I would have an excuse to go to KK and buy myself new pairs of jeans to add to my collection.

I am all excited to be able to see him again.

Esok, nak finish mark exam papers, calculate marks, pack a little and sambung when I get back from KK nanti. I am so excited. Risaulah. I always jinx things when I am this excited. And yes, I am very superstitious. I better not get too excitedlah. Nanti I will be the one yang akan terseksa akan sebab kekecewaan.

Well, I don't look it. But my spirits are high. Maybe because I have the house to myself and I get to clean up very well and still have time to enjoy the house and all its loneliness.

And probably because I am gonna see him again sooner that we thought earlier and he's asked me to extend my stay this time. Entahlah. Not like there would be a hotel room available dengan regatta that they are going to have over Independence Day. And don't even think that I would spend the few days at his place. I know my boundaries and I don't see any excuse why I should not apply the same boundaries with him. I'd rather not stay and return as scheduled than do that. We'll see how it is. I will extend my stay if there is an affordable room left and if I can get my ticket changed. The room first and then change the ticket atau the ticket first then the room? We'll see when I get there.

I hope this is a good sign. I really do hope he is the one. But if he isn't, that's okay too, cuz I am a survivor, and I am totally aware of myself, where I have certain expectations (very normal ones, of course) and I do have certain hopes for it. I haven't enough experience, but I do understand the importance of not going ahead of myself with any relationship. Let it flow and go with it. I strongly believe that if it happens, it will happen. If it doesn't, then it is not meant to be in the first place anyway, and the best thing to do is just pick yourself up and go on. It's illogical to pine away from something that was never meant to be yours anyway.

Yeah, well. I am excited about him sebab, he seems to be the right person for me. I couldn't handle J because he wants more than I could give him. He was nice. I was just always sad that I always disappoint him and make him mad, and make myself mad. And we fight so much. Well, fighting can be a good thing. For me, that is, since I am all fire and crazy. But then I don't think my borderline hypertension can handle that the rest of my life. Kan? And I don't think J can handle that either. It was for the best. Even if I did it the wrong way.

N is calm and serenity. I don't really wish that to turn into boredom, but I'll work myself around that when and if we truly do end up being together. Dia... jenis ajak bergaduh pun buat dek je. Benci!

We'll see.

I am so excited.

words

Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut
up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have
just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh"
means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's
Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will
pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do
not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

leaving again

Things will come to those who wait. Do they really?

I have had that experience one time too many not to believe in it.

I was being lazy in bed this morning when my phone rang. It was the office. The guy told me that I have to attend a course from August 27 - 30th. I have to go on Sunday. My tickets are booked and ready. I only have to go pick it up at the travel agency.

It's a teaching courseware kind of course and it is going to be held at the Holiday Inn Santubong, Kuching.

Is that crazy or what? To think that I was just there last Monday and I am gonna be there again this Sunday.

I had a great time with the team and of course with N. I didn't know I am going to be there again so soon.

I sent him a text message telling him about it and asking if he'd be around during that time, wondering how he would react to it. An hour later he responded with a simple "Will still be in Kuching next week." Which is fine, because how else should he have responded? Remember, he is going to be 49 soon and he is not the excitable kind.

He called me later and we talked some more.

"Where are you going to have the course?"
"Adalah, somewhere jauh, jauh, jauh in the jungle."
"Hmm... jauh, jauh, jauh in the jungle..."
"Well, not exactly the jungle, of course,"
"Is it in Santubong, then?" Boy, he knows his turf.
"Yeah, jauh kan."
"No, it's not that far, it's just about an hour from my place."
Tak jauh? One hour... tak jauh? That is so sweet. Pandainya ambil hati. Ada apa-apa ke nih?

Among other things, we talked about our plan of spending some time together in KK next month. I was surprised that he wanted me to apply for leave for one whole week. I explained to him that if I don't have a valid excuse for the leave, then I would have to apply for 'unpaid leave' and that would affect me later when it is time for me to retire. He realized that would be a bad idea. And I thought, it's going to be Ramadhan anyway. I don't think that is a good idea. Letih and lapar nanti.

Then he said I will have to apply for leave and extend my stay this time. I asked him what for? I told him the last day of the course would be the 30th (I wonder if he remembers my birthday!!! But even if he doesn't, I am not gonna take it to heart) and the next day would be Independence Day and then the weekend, so I don't exactly need to apply for leave. Then he said he's not sure what he's supposed to be doing or where he should be on Saturday and Sunday and will check later, and that he might have to be in KL. I went "Alah..." in my most manja voice, feigning disappointment, he quickly put in, "Well if that is the case then all you have to do is come with me then."

I was like... quietly, of course... well, I didn't know what to think, really. That was either the sweetest thing he could say or the corniest? I don't know. But for the time being, I'll take that as sweet. Man, he sure knows how to play his cards right. Is that from experience? Hmm... :-)

But then a co worker came by and asked to borrow my mp3 radio transmitter thing. He wanted to buy one when he goes to KK tomorrow. I kept him on the phone all the while and then when I got back to him, we were ready to hang up. Such detail lah aku cerita ni. Huhuhuhu...

Well, for the things he said on the phone about keeping my tickets open because we won't know when I would be leaving until it was time to leave and the extending of my stay and the other nice things, I will not take everything so seriously and try to take things as they come so that I won't be disappointed if they didn't happen the way I wanted them to be. I have made that mistake before, it makes me feel like sh*t and made me hate him. I am not going to let that happen to me again. Because I will be the one who will be hurt. Another lesson learned.

Anyway, that made my day, really.

So tomorrow I am gonna go to school and mark the exam papers I left before I went on my last Kuching trip and leave the marks for the respective teachers before I have to leave again on Sunday morning.

I have never had the need to apply for leave in my life before. So why is it so hard for me to accept the fact that I should not be doing that simply because I wanna spend more time with him, because it is totally unnecessary.

No, not even for him. And he knows that.

pussy

Back from Kuching.

The house is empty.

Heck. It's not like I have a family to greet me at the door every time I come home. And not like my housemates ever greeted me at the door.

I used to love having the house all to myself. When I was younger. I did have my old house all to myself and all the companion I had was my cat. He died 2 years ago. He is so used to me and my habits that he learned how to urinate in the toilet bowl.

There I was brushing my teeth before bed one night when he jumped onto the toilet bowl and started adjusting himself on the plastic seat in a sort of pained way as if he was preventing himself from falling backwards into the bowl. I didn't know what he was doing, until I finished brushing my teeth and peeked into the bowl to see the water in there tainted in yellow.

I never named him. I called him 'miaow'. That is not a proper name but whenever I said that and pat the side on my right thigh, he'll be bounding out of the bushed or anywhere he's been playing, run up the stairs and into the house.

Later on he learned to walk by my side to school. At the end of the day, I'd call him and pat my thigh and he'd come to me and we'd walk home from school.

He also doesn't know what he can do to a female cat. He humps my legs. And he prefers male cats. Yup, he's gay.

I don't know if that was because he spent his early years in the house with me and never socialize with the other cats, or it is just the course of nature. I am aware that there is homosexuality in the animal kingdom.

When I moved to this house, my new housemate had to give him a name because she has like...20 cats. Since he is always so serious looking and has stripes all over his body, we called him Tiger. I don't really like that name but I am not keen on giving names to anything. so I just has to be okay with that name.

He was the only cat allowed in the house, all the other cats sleep outside. Tiger is a house cat. He hate loud noises.

He died of what the vet thinks is FIV.

He was very quiet. Never demanding of my attention. But I can always count on him to be there for company. If only I am good with words, then there would be more I could use to describe him. But for now, I guess I will have to settle with this blog entry.

I miss him.

N

I guess, I don't want anyone to read my blog, because I know I would always, always write about N in here. That was the reason, originally, why I started blogging. To have a place for me to talk things out with myself. Just so happens, I do have readers in here. Just the three, thank God.

So for you people, jangan marah if the things I write keep gravitating towards him.

I can't help it.

i've been tagged

(a) You've been T A G G E D ! ! ! - "List out 5 people whom you would like to bring along with you to Istanbul, Turkey; where you will spend with them a week- long stay at the luxuriously furnished Grand Sultan Suite at the ever majestic Ciragan Palace Kempinski Hotel. Owh and do tell us why these 5 lucky people deserve to be there with you…"

(b) And to that 5 lucky people listed in the entry, C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S ! ! ! You've just been T A G G E D ! ! !

Okey dokey...

Thanks Bella for including me in the list of 5 people whom you would take with you to the a week- long stay at the Grand Sultan Suite at the Ciragan Palace Kempinski Hotel. I feel honored that you would consider me after knowing me for such a short while.

I don't have readers, so I won't have much trouble whom to choose to take with me.

Okay, biarlah mak mulakan siapa yang bertuah nak pergi ke percutian tippoo-tippoo bersama mak iniew...

Nombor 1
Mestilah adik kandung dunia akhirat, mak si W. Kenapa? Sebab dia adalah manusia paling level- headed, reserved and fun to be with to boot. My childhood soulmate. We have been through a lot, growing up with the crazy family that we have. We have our shortcomings, but together, we're pulling through. And believe it or not, she is more matured than I am, and she is the one who keeps my feet on the ground and in touch with myself when I get lost.

Nombor 2
My best real friend J. J je, Hubby dia tak bleh ikut. Sebab aku jeles tengok dia berkefits dua orang ittew. Ye, mak cemburu. Bukan cemburukan J. Cemburu akan kebahagiaan yang mereka kecapi. Semoga cinta mereka kekal abadi dan sentiasa bertambah as the day passes by. I wanna pinjam her for a while. So for that short while, I would like to relive the good times we had masa kat Uni dulu.

Nombor 3
My one and only friend from the blogosphere, Belladonna. I admire her resilience in facing life's hardships and despite the fact, still came out smelling of roses. She is an interesting character and despite the nightmare she has been through, she could still see the world through the eyes of an innocent. I bet she is a load of fun too. What she has today, she really deserves, and I hope she and LeQ will live happily ever after, and always find their love reaching new heights. Tapi, just to be fair, LeQ tak leh ikut gaks. Muahahaha!

Nombor 4
Seriously, I don't know who else to take to that grand place la....

Nombor 5
I am trying very hard not to say N. Cuz I don't think me and N would be able to enjoy each other's company with all these people around. Lagipun we prefer to go somewhere just the two of us. So, I will not say N, no matter what.

Hai la.... macamana ni? Tak cukup la.... Boleh I come back to this lain kali? I really tak ingat la nak bawak siapa....

Huhuhu...

pensive

Abang...

I wish I didn't have to go...
I wish I had more time...
I wish you could come with me...

on the way home

The girls in red.





Everyone was in good spirits, despite the chaos in the schedule and the bad relations we had with the bus driver form hell.

serikin

The trip to Serikin on Sunday, I got these photos for my mom. But I am posting them here for you people.

The view... I wish I had a better camera. I love this camera but I could have done better.

dinner

The only one I remembered taking photos of.



Don't let the bad picture quality put you off,
they were really good.
Lemidin (sort of fern), prawns, some big ass fish masak asam pedas and some
big ass plate of stuff we picked at the counter cooked in some mystery chinese gravy.

game day

on the way there

The preparations going on for the fiesta that we were gonna miss for having to be in Kuching during the whole event. Maybe next year...



A long house burned down the night before. I don't know if there were any casualties.
I hope not.



Zzz...

what have i done the last few days

Hey yas....

Am back from Kuching, nak cuci baju, air takde pulak. So, apa lagi nak buat, in this house, all alone? While the things that has happened are still fresh in my mind, I better do it now.

Before I go ahead, I have to warn you, that this is a big ass long entry.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I went to school that morning as usual. Saja nak tunjuk muka and leave things to do to people while I am gone. Macamlah I will be gone forever, kan? Tapi tu lah, memang I have not left the school for long periods of time, since I pegang jawatan ini. So, of course I am a little nervous. Manalah tau, jadi anarchy pulak nanti kan? Choy! Taklah, the students here belum sampai tahap tu lagi. Tapi, manalah tahu...

Then I drove home, beli nasi lemak and balik rumah. Oh, I haven't had breakfast pun. Oh, ye breakfast is a big deal for me. And dinner.

Anyway, ingatkan balik tu nak pack up my stuff and run some errands in town and then tie up some loose ends tapi lepas tu I ended up updating my blog and barely got my stuff packed?

Anyway, right as I was stepping out of the shower, my friend called me and I told her to give me 15 minutes to get dressed and pick her up.

But then after I picked her up, I had to go back home to get my charger for camera battery. Penting woooo.... kalau tertinggal, mau mati dibuatnya wo.... Then tetiba Hajjah Kyah (ni hajjah betul, occay?) came to my place, just as I was getting back into my car. Terkujat plak, cuz I thought she was gonna go with the other Kyah. She told me there was a change in plans because Kyah tu dah pergi awal ke Limbang. So in order to fit Hajjah Kyah's stuff, I had to take out all the sponsored shoes out of the boxes and stacked them up outside my gate.

We were on the way la lepas tu.

Sampai Limbang, pergi taklimat. I was Jurulatih Tak Bertauliah. Tatau ah kenapa mereka nak juga letak mak kat dalam team tuh. Tapi, okaylah, kalau mereka perlukan moral support from me more than they need me as a coach, so be it. Sungguh berkuasa panaskah mak?

Anyway, lepas habis taklimat, mak edarkan barangan sponsored to my players. And seeing that there were cars blocking mine in the crowded parking lot, we went back into the building for tea and some cake. Yes, there were cakes. Chocolate sponge cakes.

Then bawa Hjh Kyah and kak Chae (yang the other friend yang ikut sekali in my car) makan ais kacang kat satu kedai ni. Katanya best la kedai neh. Tapi takde ais kacang original la. Semua yang jenis fancy schmancy. Tapi sebab dah tekak nak makan ABC tapi takde kat tempat lain and also malas nak ke sana ke mari dalam panas buta tu, makan je la kat situ.

Then, we ols ke plaza to do some shopping. Merekalah yang shopping. Kak Chae ikut adik dia later on. Me, I just got myself a new back pack and a haircut, cuz I have been losing a lot of hair. My hair is wavy, ada ke cina kedai tu suggest I straighten it? Hello, I love my wavy hair just the way it is, and just because you can't handle such a complicated style, does not mean I have to conform to the mass. Sorrylah, mak nak straighten my hair lagi ever again. Dah buat sekali dulu, memang la berseri kilatnya. Tapi, muka mak ni yang tak berseri. Sebab bila my hair that frames my face ni dah jadi lurus, ianya menjadikan muka mak ni bertambah bulat, sebulat bola netball. Mak sedar muka mak memang macam bulan purnama bulatnya, itu la all the more reason for me to stick to my natural curls and work with what I have.

FYI, I love my netball face and wavy hair just fine. Itu pasal mak hangin bila mamat tu kata, "Stretten...." dengan selamba badaknya sedang mak berfikir-fikir nak buat lagu mana rambut mak ni. Hangin, babe!

All I wanted was to shorten in with layers. Hopefully that would minimize the hair fall.

Lepas cuci, dia potong. And lepas blow dry, di kirai-kirainya rambut mak! Lagi la mak hangin. Tapi, rambut tu jadi cantik pulak, walau lepas kena kirai. Mak sker!

Lepas tu mak pakai tudung balik, then temankan di Kyah kecik (dia muda dari Hajjah walau nama sama) beli kasut. Selamanyalah aku dok kat dalam salon tu dia tak pergi beli kasut? Rupanya, dia kena tinggal dengan Hajjah, sebab Hajjah pergi CC nak send her assignment kepada pensyarah. Abis kalau sorang tak boleh beli ke, mak tanya dia, dia kata tak bleh. Oh, manjanyalah kau dengan Hajjah Kyah ye? Memang... dia jawab. Adoi adoi...

Lepas tu aku pi cari Hajjah kat CC and dia pun dah selesai mengemail. Kami pun terus pergi kedai kasut sebuah ni. Banyak kedai kasut kat plaza ni, tapi dah sampai situ ada lak yang berkenan, masuk je lah, kan?

Try punya try, dia pergi nak beli kasut warna hitam? It was a pair of black ballet pumps. Aku geram betul. Aku katalah, ko tu muda lagi yang beli kasut cam ni apsal? Aku pun amik la another ballet pumps tapi in gold and has lots of frills on top. Hey, it's not gaudy, it's all about being bold at her age, OK?

Teruslah dia beli tu. Hehehe... kalau kaki ku tak sebesar kaki big foot, aku pun dah sewat satu, taw?

Lepas tu, tetiba dah malam. Mak pergi makan dengan Hajjah Kiah, kat open air tu, mak makan apa? Tak ingat lah. Anyway, lepas tu....

Lepas tu cuba teka mak pergi mana? Mak pergi Penjara Limbang.

No, bukan pergi melawat saudara mak yang banduan, Hajjah Kyah ajak mak spend the night kat umah cousin dia yang happened to be a warder penjara tu. Huhuhuh...

Tingkat 5... mak sikit lagi nak mam... Takde lift, of course. Usually, I would jump at every opportunity untuk kesihatan ni, tapi mak was not in the mood for that that night. Tapi mak naik jugalah, takkan tak tido kat bawah tangga kut?


Thursday, August 16, 2007

I woke up at 5, showered, dressed, packed and had breakfast. Then we both went downstairs, got our stuff to the side of the road, I parked my car a little to the back of the flat building.

Stopped in Miri, and we stopped at every truck stop, ad he eats at every stop. Gila punya driver. Badan dia tak lah gemuk. Is he diabetic, or just has worms?

Friday, August 17, 2007

Half way there, I realized I wanted to see N. Very much so. And I should take that risk and just give him a call.

So I did.

"How is everything?"
"I am fine, so much problems here, have to sort things out,"
"Hmm..."
"So the Pesta is going on at the moment, kan?"
"I don't know... I have school. Tapi tadi tengok persiapannya dah full swing."
"Ye ke? Tapi tadi I heard on the radio...."
"Yeah, well, I have something to tell you, jangan marah..."
"OK..."
"I am on my way to Kuching." I went on explaining why I am on my way to Kuching. He waited for me to finish albeit impatiently.
"You are? Where are you now?" Oh God, that excitement in his voice just broke the ice that's been encasing my heart.
"I don't know. Somewhere. After Sarikei. We spent the night there" Looked at the signboards outside. "Sungai Krian."
"Sungai Krian? Looks like you will be here this afternoon. When are you scheduled to arrive?"
"I am not very aware of the bus driver's schedule... but maybe this afternoon,"
"Okay, then I will call you when you get here."
"No, I will call you when I get there."

Then we stopped at Everise Batu 4. For an hour.

On the bus again, just as the bus trembles back to live, my phone rings. It was him.

"Are you here yet?"
"No, we stopped at Everise Batu 4. And I am not too sure when I will get there, so I don't wanna bother you with phone calls until I get there."
"Okay then, just tell me when you get there."

We did get there, finally, at 5 or something. I called him and asked him... rather told him that I intend to see him tonight, even though he would be the one driving. He asked ot be given half an hour to think.

Think? What is wrong with this guy? He has not seen me for months and when I am finally within reach, he has to think? Just get your ass down here, right now! I don't care about the rest. Even if we have to be stuck in the car all night.

I told him I will settle down in the hostel first, before I get a shower get ready to go out with him.

Half an hour later, he called me and said,

"I am three minutes to the hostel."

He was soooo funny! Padan muka dia kena tunggu me. for 10 more minutes.

I had already showered and put on my make up.

Hoi, before you go judging me, let me tell you this, pandai la korang nak kata I don't like women who puts on too much make up. I'm not gonna say if I put too much on or not, but the thing is, a good powder will even out the skin tone, and a great thick lash will make you seem dreamy and a great lip gloss will make you ten years younger. And I don't give a rat's ass for you losers who does not know how hard for a girl to look natural with make up because I buy my make up myself, with my money and this is my face I am putting it on, and it is N who is gonna look at it and hate or appreciate it.

Oh, and the next time you go on a date, just look closely at your gf and see if she really is au naturel or just too good at putting on make up that you just can't tell.

Anyway, I was sweating bullets by the time I was done getting dressed! Benci!!! I was drenched! How do you try to look relaxed when you are drenched in perspiration! On your first date after months! Aku benci!!!

But I did my best. Everyone in the dorm was surprised to see me all primped up with my Nose sexy heels when in the whole two days to get there, I wore baggy tees and jeans and a sort of a cowboy boots. Frumpy... But they've never seen me at school either. I do dress well when I go to work or when I have to show up for official events. I'm into classic, and I am bad at casual. That's all.

He's been calling me twice to make sure he got to the right place, making me even more nervous. On the way to his car, I don't know what kind of car he drives, and I was talking in the phone, but I could see his silhouette in the car, so I went straight to it, and in doing that, I caught the attention of a very manly looking of a certain Miss Tan(No, I am not saying that she has the hots for me. She is a very nice lady). She quipped that I looked nice, I joked back, Mestilah, nak jumpa lou kung, kan? Dalam hati, God damnit! Kenapa mulut aku ni laju sangat?

I just quickly jumped into the car and said hi to him without even looking at him, as I was still talking to Miss Tan. I finally said goodbye to her and closed the door a few seconds later. I hope that would have made enough impression that I am calm and collected.

Please la... The sudden temperature shift from the hot and humid outside and cold and crisp of the inside of his car was a shock to me and I started feeling self-conscious about being so sweaty. Thank God, the ac was on full blast that my body temp went down a few moments later and I was all dry by the time we got to the place near the river at Fort Margharita.

The food sucked. But I think he was nervous too. So the food didn't matter much. We didn't say much there. We talked about mundane stuff, work, general stuff, life. After paying up, we got back in the car, and we just drove around.

He reached for my hand which I laid on my handbag on my lap. I didn't hold his hand back. I looked outside, like it didn't matter. His hand stayed over mine for a while until he had to shift gears. Then he kept them on the wheels.

He doesn't know how that little gesture made me feel inside. So I reached for his hands, weaved my fingers in between his brought it to my lips and kissed the back of his hand and held on to it on my lap. We held hands in silence. He just drove. I looked outside, trying hard not to cry, staring hard into the darkness outside.

"I never left you."
"Then why did you have to stay away for so long?"
"I just had to get away. In business that is called a retreat. It's good for the soul." Augh!
"Am I adding to your problems?"
"No."
"Am I a problem? Am I making things difficult for you?"
"No, no, no. There are so many problems at the moment. I just can't drop everything and go see you."

He did say that he wished that we'd lose all our games so he'd be able to have me all day Sunday. Was that bad of him? No, I told him Limbang never won. He just said that so he could have more time with me.

The rest of the ride was spent quietly. I had to go back to the hostel for the briefing for coaches and managers at the school hall. He sent me back to the hostel and promised to pick me up for breakfast the next day and dropping me off for the match afterwards.

I went to the briefing, followed by a meeting with the organizer of our respective events.

That night, Kapit pulled out at the last minute, so we ended up playing the first game. No breakfast with N.

That night, we reshuffled the team because we were short of veteran players. So in the end, I ended up being the manager and the lady who was manager, had to play GS, which I was supposed to play.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

How did we do? Badly. As expected. We lost all three games. But I am still proud of my girls because they did make an effort to put up a fight. These people are mostly state-level players and they have the know hows of everything from nutrition to practice and exercises. How can my team beat them? I look at it as a learning curve that will prepare me for next year, if we are given another chance that is.

That night, we went to Topspot for dinner. Dinner was a lot of seafood and air kelapa. Then because there was so much left over, he asked for the waitress to ta pao it. Then we drove to his place and dropped the ta pao there for his daughter. His maid came out. His youngest daughter was probably upstairs. Then he showed me around his neighborhood and where his workplace was. It was within the housing area. Which is a great thing, from my point of view.

Then it was late, he took me back to the school where my team and I were staying.

In case you are thinking why doesn't he put me up in a hotel room where it would be more comfortable, he shouldn't, I am team manager, and leaving them behind when I go see him is bad enough, I should not abandon them altogether.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

He called me and said he would pick me up in an hour. I showered and dressed and again, he was early. Everyone else have left earlier by bus on their own day trip around the city.

We went to Bau for a hearty breakfast of tempoyak goreng, fried salted eggs, rice and ayam pansoh. Who has those for breakfast? We did. And as funny as most people would think those sounded, they were great. Especially with N across the table, anything would be great.

The we went to Serikin where people go to buy things at a cheap price because the things being sold there are from Indonesia. He could have taken me to Tebedu, but I don't have an international passport. So Serikin was the next best thing.

I walked all over the place not buying anything but I took a lot of photos, telling him I don't know what to buy, but I know my mom would have a great time here. After looking at those things and getting all sweaty, we got back in the car, and as he maneuver the car through the throng of people, I called W on my cell phone telling her where I was, and asked her what would she want from there. Handbags.

I got off the car, and N sempat cakap, why not get the pretty prayer shrouds for my mom. And while he got the car out of the market, I went to bargain for those things. I got three handbags, 2 prayer shrouds with gold ruffles and a sunglass.

Cool.

Got back in the car, and after stopping by at the market for some vegetables, we drove back to town. And where did he take me? To his office!

There he turned on his computer and made me sit in his chair and actually told me to use the internet. He's loosened up all right, but now he is nervous again. I wondered why, subconsciously.

He told me that he was offered to run the same college in KK. He has his misgivings and still thinking about it. He likes KK, but then it would mean leaving something he had worked hard for. I told him, just because he likes something doesn't mean that he has to live there. It can always be a retreat for him. Actually living there would take that something special from it. He said he's still thinking about it. Besides, nanti dapat major pain because the people in Sabah is not exactly like people in Sarawak. He might regret his decision.

I sat in his chair, but I told him that I am fine, I don't need to use the internet, but I fiddled around with his computer and then he pulled out a drawer in his desk.

"Here, I wanna show you something."
It was a piece of paper congratulating him for a job well done.
"Awww... congratulations! I am so proud of you!"
"Wait, wait, read till the end!" He was so happy, like a little boy! I read on.
It was a piece of paper congratulating him for a job well done and the prize is a honeymoon trip for two for umrah or Indonesia and must be claimed in 12 months time.
"Alah, that is so sweet. Kesiannya... Tak boleh pergi seorang ke?"
Then he did the cutest thing, I think. He took something from the drawer and clipped my photo onto the letter. I was speechless.

But we both laughed and I took that as a joke of course. No use taking everything seriously and ruin things. Really, I didn't mind.

There was The Battle of The Bands going on at his college at that time. I think he was at the office because he wanted to watch out for trouble makers because all the while we were there, he kept going outside and watching for suspicious groups of people. Besides, he has always spent Sundays at the office, he didn't know exactly what to do with me around? I don't know.

I fiddled with my laptop that I took with me because of the safety issue at the school. I moved new images from my already filled up camera memory card to the laptop and looked at new ones while he worked on his computer. Then I got sleepy and took a nap, propping myself on his desk. It was all good. Then I woke up, he was praying and I didn't know what else to do, so I got myself online and updated my blog.

Then it was 4 pm and he was hungry again when he realized that we have not had lunch yet. I tak perasan I was hungry because I had a lot of mints.

We went for nasi goreng kampung with Tandoori chicken. I saw some lamb curry, so he got me that too. He feeds me like a daughter.

Afterwards, we went driving around, and he got me some ayam percik and nasi kerabu for dinner. Tapao'ed because we were still very full from 'lunch' at 4 pm. I asked him to buy me a plastic sack to put all my dirty laundry.

I ended up sharing all that food with the rest of my roomates because they have yet to have dinner. Kesian they all tu. Bus driver cam shial. Benci! Tapi takpelah, I was really still full, so there was plenty to share.

Malam tu tetiba orang kata, kita akan balik jam 4.00 pagi. I felt like crying. But all I did was paksa myself to sleep and hope for the best, as they all went downstairs to watch the karaoke competition at the school hall. They had asked me to put on some make up on them. They were so happy, I just couldn't believe it.

Then they told me that they will discuss the departure time further the next day before breakfast. Tennis tak habis lagi. Tapi ada orang nak ambil PTK.

I called and text him telling him about it. He doesn't answer the phone after 8pm. I knew that. I left him a voice message.

Monday, August 20, 2007

He called me at 5.54am asking me where I was, thinking that I have left. I told him there was a change of plans and we won't know till they talk about it later.

So everyone left for breakfast while I waited for him in our room. When he called again, I was already putting on my shoes.

We went for breakfast, of mee jawa and satay. Satay? For breakfast? Here they do have satay for breakfast.

Then we drove around and I made a lot of videos of him telling jokes. We laughed so much! I took a whole lot more photos of us. We looked like we were having a lot of fun in them. I love those photos. And I took so many because I would at least have these if he decides to hide away again.

I told him that only go to KK if he wants to have a new challenge. He said if he decides to go there, it would be for good and he would just settle down there and build a new life there. Whatever his decision, I hope that life would include me.

Then he bought me nasi tapao of kari kambing. Aww... To me that is adorable.Suka hati korang la nak kata he is strange ke apa ke. The thing is, he makes sure that I am properly fed, even up to the very last moment we were spending together. That's nice and sweet of him. And don't go making him look and sound creepy.

Anyway, then he sent me back to the school. He told me that he didn't buy me that sack, because he's got three bags in the trunk instead for me to choose from. He opened the trunk and I just picked the huge green luggage. He just looked at me and my selection. I asked him if he bought it on one of his Mecca trips. Somehow the arab words in the tiny sticker just made me wanna say Mecca. And he asked me how I knew. Oh it was the sticker, I said, and he went back into his car, I opened the front passenger side door, leaned in and salam and kissed his hand and said goodbye.

There was plenty of time to pack up my things and plenty of room too with more than enough left for my friends to tumpang the bag and also the netball ball and bibs too. I realized it was a Samsonite. Patutla beg tu nampak menarik je. Hahaha... but it's mine now. He said so. So while the rest of the team went to get some lunch at the cafeteria we never knew was there, I laid in the bed looking at the videos we made earlier in the morning while waiting to get downstairs.

Barang-barang semua dah bawa turun kecuali my last luggage and back pack. Tunggu, tunggu. Dah kul 11.30 I went turned off the lights and fan and went to sit at the top of the stairs where I would be able to see the bus when it comes around.

When it did, my team members belum lagi turun from the cafeteria. I ended up lifting all their bags and mine into the bus after calling them on my cellphone to get their asses on the bus or else. Oddly, after all that heavy lifting, my spirits were still very much high up in the air. Usually, I would be stark raving mad because I hate having to do things for other people unnecessarily. But since I love my girls so much, I'll excuse their tardiness this time. And because I was still all dreamy over N and the fun we had all morning.

The trip back was crazy. We left Kuching at 12 and we reached Miri at 6am the next day. The driver is crazy, I tell you. Just pee stops, no shower. I had my videos and photos on my camera, so I was fine.

In Limbang, we were dropped off at the penjara and then Hajjah and I stopped by Kyah's palce for some durian fix. It was great. There was plenty and I ate with such glee.

Then it was time to go home, not after some sup tulang for a late lunch at a restaurant in Limbang.

Sampai Lawas... I realized forgot to call my landlady to tell her I was coming home. I didn't think it was a big problem because it was Monday and they have a business to run. I was wrong. It was the school break, of course they would be off gallivanting somewhere with their kids! Bodo la aku!

I called them and true enough, they were just leaving KK and in Papar at that moment. Matila aku kena tunggu. I asked Hajjah Kyah to join me for lepak and tea at the wharf and then when it was time to leave, I went to the riverside and lepak there alone. Then it got so boring, I went to the gas station, filled up and drove to Punang. There, I sat in the car, in the dark and attempted to play the games on the cellphone. I sucked. Then my phone rang and it was my landlady telling me that she was home. I drove back and unpacked my car.

Wanted to do my laundry, but there was no water. Geram betul. So what else is there to do other than update my blog.

It's 3 am and I am still here writing, because I don't wanna do it when I have forgotten most of the details.

I'll post photos tomorrow. Oh... we're going to Jerudong Park on Thursday. Is that awesome or what?

cat city bliss

Coba teka, mak kat mana sekarang ni? Hehehehe... Hehehehehehe.... Huehehehehe...

Memang korang tak akan dapat teka punya even in several million years. Hrm... tapi kalau I have been giving you such a hype, musti korang dapat teka punye.

Mak masih di Kuching. And now mak online... kat mana ye? Erm.. bukan CC... bukan, bukan...

Mak kat opis Avang N.

Ye, mak rasa macam ... biasa je. Tapi sebenarnya mak agak happy cuz mak dah patch things up dengan Avang N. Dia kata dia pergi sekejap dulu cuz it is good to get away and think about things and get everything into perspective. And he had to get away. That he was here all the while and we never did break up. I never said we broke up. But my problem is that I don't like the fact that he has to be all by himself for such a long time.

Just now dia tetiba je cakap, I never broke up with you.

I knew that. It just felt like we did. It just made me feel like I am investing myself and my time in something meaningless. Siapa yang sanggup buat benda sia-sia?

And he said that I should not have worried because he was not planning to leave me at all. All he needed was time by himself, away from me. Boy, I must have been a HUGE problem.

Anyway, I can't describe it. When we were apart, I felt like wringing his neck. I wanted so much for him to feel the pain that I felt. But the moment I saw him, nothing mattered anymore. Not even the 11-month-long wait. Does that mean I am really in love with him and willing to forgive him, or am I just blinded by my feelings for him.

I told him. We can move on and I can forget what has happened in the past on the condition that he can't do the same again in the future. He couldn't say anything to that. I guess some people just need that and since I do love him, I will have to be all right with that. Maybe I am just saying this, tapi rasanya, I think I am not the type yang suka berkepit tu. Occasionally, yes, but not all the time. Besides, I know I can be such a meriam when I am mad at someone, and seeing that he cannot handle that evil in me, so terpaksalah terima hakikat yang it is better if he decides to get away from me and everything in order to recover from it.

Apa saja, if it will make us work. Not desperate la. I love him. Tu je.

And maybe one day he'll realize how much I love him, so he can love me back just as much.

itinerary

I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again....

August 15, 2007 : 11.30 am - To Limbang
2.30 pm - Briefing for coaches and managers
Evening - Dinner

August 16, 2007 : Early - Leaving for Kuching

August 17, 2007 : Arrive in Kuching

August 18-20 2007 : Match

August 21, 2007 : Early - Leaving for Limbang

August 22, 2007 : Arrive in Limbang

I hate lying to N about not going to Kuching, but I hate having to tell him that I will be around, making him think I need him to see him. But I will have to give him a call when I get there. We need to resolve this one way or another.

Why does it always have to be a showdown with me?

Anyway, till I get back.... Pray for us.

my love, N

I just wish he would Google my blog entry and actually find this blog, and read things I wrote in here, so at least I would have a safe medium to communicate with him.

I guess if he did that, him being him, he would have just disappeared for real. He wants everything to be a secret. Why? Is it because he has a reputation to keep up?

I don't need him to tell the world. I don't need him to tell anyone about us. I am fine about him wanting to keep things low-key. OK. But I keep wondering why is he doing that. My demons keep asking me, really... Am I that dirty of a thing that he has to keep everything away from the world?

But then I always come back to myself. There is nothing to tell anyone about. I am not even sure what we are anymore. And I have stopped having any kind of hope or expectation. In fact, I think it will be better for him to just disappear. Not that I have given up on him. I just think that he is suffering a lot because of me. I am not the person he wants me to be. I don't even want to pretend to be that person, because how long can I do that? And that would be unfair, cuz that would mean that I am lying to him about who I really am. No, I don't have many boyfriends. While I am no angel and I do admit that I am a pain, there are just some things about me that makes me insufferable. I don't think he knows what he is getting himself into.

Besides, I am still wondering why do some people see this "renewing one's love" as something romantic? That's insulting. Why do you need to renew love, of all things? Shouldn't it grow day by day? Shouldn't it grow firm roots in what two people have built that all it can do is grow deeper roots, and higher-reaching buds?

Maybe that's hard to do, given the circumstances. Maybe it's just hard to do. Maybe it is just hard when you try to do it with me.

But my love for him never had an expiry date. I want it to grow. I want it to thrive. But every time I slipped, he just left me sprawling on the ground and kept on walking.

I thought when two people are so incompatible, they can still make it work, by making extra effort.

He is quiet and reserved, I am loud and brash.
He is an introvert, I am an extrovert.
He is gentle and calculating, I am rough and always have the foot in mouth disease.
He's smart, I'm not.
He's closed to the world, I'm open to the world.
He runs and hide, I make a stand and fight.
He sweeps things under the rug, I'd rather make war and have make up s*x afterwards. Uiseh!

But you know what I mean. It is the way I was brought up and the genetics I was bestowed upon. And I am going to be 31, in 2 weeks. How on earth could he expect me to make that huge change for him? I never asked him to change for me. Besides, if I do make the effort to make a change, I would like to know that I am doing it for something worthy of such sacrifice. A year-long absence over a stupid misunderstanding is not something I see as worthy of my devotion and sacrifice. For those who agree with me, raise your hands. *snigger* *snigger*

Even if he does read this, he will only misunderstand my motives in posting these things on the internet.

Unlike him, I need to talk things out. Not to everyone. But to someone whom I can trust not to share how I feel with the world. While this is not exactly keeping a secret safe, at least I am not telling it to anyone I know, well other than the three whom I know reads this from time to time; J, who is my bestest best friend, W, my sister dunia akhirat, and Bella Donna si cumil mungil tue and... oh, I'll stop there. I only have three readers, really. This is safe with them, I solemnly swear. About the others? I am not too worried about them, because they don't know me. I am not a celebrity. A secret is only worth a lot when you can use it against that person whose secret belongs to. And since I am not in their circle of friends, I don't see why perfect strangers have the need to use anything I have written in here against me. Oh, yes, I know sometimes there are people who'd find this link by googling certain words, decide to drop by in here to waste time reading my nonsense. But that's the thing, why would anyone want to read nonsense and waste more time finding out who this nonsensical person is? Having a lot of time in one's hands does have its disadvantages.

So, if N does Google my blog entry that I e-mailed to him the other day and found this blog and reads these things and gets all scared and again, decide to head for the hills, it's up to him... I don't hate him for doing that. I am just tired of giving him the so-called space he hinted that he needs, the time he needs to be away from me, the patience and faith he's asked me to have for this thing we are having. That's another thing, I am in the state of perpetual waiting for... what?

No, I am not in a rush to start anything new with anyone. But that does not make it OK to put me on hold for as long as he finds convenient. Why am I waiting? What am I waiting for?

It's a vicious cycle. I wait so that he would have the peace of mind. Be by himself. But at the same time, I hate being in that state. Waiting. Waiting for the bus that is not coming.

Can't he see? I don't really mind if the bus is not coming. I can just take a taxi or walk. I need to release myself from this state of mind so that my life can get back on its track. Those things I have been doing at work and off work did distract me, but at the end of the day, in bed about to fall asleep, there is nothing I would be thinking about, but him and the possibility that he is in fact is just taking me on a ride. That's no doubt the cruelest thing I can say about him. But that's me. I'd rather provoke someone so that he would prove me wrong. And if it is not true then, what is there for him to worry about? Just tell me I am wrong and he does not appreciate me accusing him of things that is not true. But the thing is, everything I have thought about and written in here has pointed me to that conclusion. And I have begun to think that he realized that he has got himself in a sticky situation with me and doesn't know how to out of it.

Entahlah...

It's true that I like making assumptions. Especially when I am upset and mad over something. I get hysterically mad sometimes. But those assumptions are made to be proven wrong. It is not a final take. It is something I do so that I have somewhere to start when I think about the course of action to take. And there would usually be many assumptions to accommodate the one same situation. I would usually entertain the most obvious or maybe we can say the most improbable because that is usually where the fun is. All there is to do, is deny it and present your arguments to support your denial. Is that so hard to do? Then we can all go out for frozen yogurt. Not hide and cry and hope it will disappear. Cuz it won't. I would go on and on bitching about it, stop when I am tired and then use it against you the next time we fight. Oh yes, haven't you noticed that I am also very vindictive? He should try helping me in that area instead of burying his head in the sand. No, giving me self-help books that I don't bother reading does not cut it.

I do read those books he gave me. But just so I feel vindicated, I can always say I don't, right?

How do I make this work? Keep quiet and wait? It's been a year, last June. Our first anniversary of being apart, really. It would be a year since I last saw him come September. He said he'd be visiting me sooner than he thought, last June. It's August now. What kind of person does he expect me to be? A stupid bimbo whom he can tucked away in a box in a dark corner somewhere and take me out whenever he feels like he needs a toy when he visits this side of the world and tuck me in the box again before he leaves, expecting me to stay all shiny and new the next time he visits? All the while, smiling and thankful that he chose me to play with?

Do I look like that person?

Walking away, is easy. Where is the challenge in that? Don't you think I have thought about that many times before? Even now. Don't you think the people in my life have told me to do the same thing? I think it would be best for the both of us too. But as I said, that is the easiest thing to do. What is there to tell my grandchildren when I am old, on how I remained steadfast and held on to the faith that he would one day come to his senses and make up for lost time.

Come on, it sounds like wishful thinking, but let's call it having faith in a confused man who is fundamentally good. Oh, stop laughing already!

Challenges are created to make life more worthwhile. Without it, I don't see why I should be here, breathing the fresh air of God's green earth.

Gosh, how long had I gone on rambling about him? He means that much to me. That much. I just wish he knew.

And I wish I could tell him. Why I left J in favor of him. If it would make things any better, J was a sick man when I was with him that last time. He was having some difficulty with his health, yes, but that does not debilitate him. I was referring to his mental health. He is not a nut. A mad man, a psycho. He is just a kinky sicko kind of guy. I don't want that life with anyone. I am not built for that kind of thing, I have never considered it as a lifestyle of choice nor do I believe that anyone can condition me into liking or wanting those kinds of things. I don't think J is a bad person. He is wise and we have always talked about everything, my problems and his. And although we do fight incessantly, it worked for us. I just don't want that lifestyle. It is too strange and sick for that kampung girl in me.

N was safe. I don't know about him being boring. But I think his calm and collected personality will give me the serenity and peace of mind to be a more organized and relaxed person. That's the fundamental reason why I left J for N. And call me whatever you want, but J is also happily married with three beautiful boys. I have no way of explaining it. But all I wanted to be was a shoulder to cry on. It's strange how proximity and other circumstances pulls people together and leads people to make a very big mess of their lives.

I love N. I wish he knows that. And if he really does love me still, he should not be afraid of me and my brazen way of handling my life issues. That's how I learned from my mother and I do not know of other ways of doing it.

I think I better stop here and start packing my things.

lucky

Your Luck Quotient: 78%

You have a high luck quotient. More often than not, you've felt very lucky in your life. You may be randomly lucky, but it's probably more than that. Optimistic and open minded, you take advantage of all the luck that comes your way.

How Lucky Are You?

bi

You Are 64% Bipolar

You're more than moody - you're a bit unstable. If your mood swings are effecting your life, you may need to seek help.

Are You Bipolar?

true

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more open with you. With respect to money, you are a bit stingy. You think good luck depends on maintaining good relationships with others. The hidden side of your personality tends to be methodical in your ways - with trouble adapting to the rules of society. You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked. When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you base your search on information from your friends.

Who's The True You?

maturity

You Are 77% Grown Up, 23% Kid

Congratulations, you are definitely quite emotionally mature. Although you have your moments of moodiness, you're usually stable and level headed.

How Emotionally Mature Are You?

alpha

You Have Many Alpha Tendencies

You're not a total alpha female, but you certainly know how to - and like to - get your way. You're forceful without being intimidating. You're confident without being vain. A perfect mix.

Are You an Alpha Female?

dragon

You Were Born Under:

You have both a fiery energy and a warm heart. Your charisma and charm makes it easy for you to influence others. Lucky in life, you also have a reputation of being lucky in love. Power hungry, you are determined to get what you want - no matter what it takes. You are most compatible with a Monkey or Rat.

What Year Were You Born Under?

wild

Your Beauty Element is Fire

Wild and sexy, you keep your beauty style smokin' hot. You're not afraid of glamour or showing off your assets!

What's Your Beauty Element?

Yeah.... right....!

realistic

You Are A Realistic Romantic

It's easy for you to get swept away by romance... But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective. You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

brain

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

girly girl

You Can Hang With the Guys and the Girls

You've struck a good balance between girlie and laid back. You can keep it casual but when you dress up, you are as girly as the next girl.

How Feminine Are You?

virgo

You are 67% Virgo

How Virgo Are You?

3 days

This week.

A reminder before I go ahead with rambling about the mundane details of my life; I do not claim to be anyone of importance, and I do not claim to be the most accomplished person there is on earth. This is my blog, and as long as I am not causing any damage to anyone else, please don't go judging me for nothing.

I am lazy again, in making entries for my blog, as we can already see. Well, I am just plain lazy sometimes, most of the time, maybe. So, there is nothing more that I can say to explain why that my entries can be too many sometimes and sporadic and almost non-existent at other times.

Oh well...

Friday;

A guy from the village who also trims the school's yard, came to see me at school and, I am guessing that it was an awkward issue, which is not!

(Awkwardly trying to make eye-contact)"Why are there so many school kids at the park at the moment?"

"Really? Well, why didn't you say so earlier?"

I went to get my disciplinary teacher, and we got into my car and drove there. On the way, I say my other disciplinary teacher who took some time to pick up his toddler from play school. Aren't we flexible on that?

We were trying to round them kids up but the tactics were a little off, so most of them got away. But we got two girls. I took the DT's motorbike which he took to get his kid from play school and I rode it like a scrambler, fishing the kids out of the bushes. Maneuvering my way all over the place. It was exhilarating because I have always loved riding any kind of motorbike and I get to test my rusty so-called skills with it.

Still, I wish we had talked over the tactics first, before proceeding. Well, at least those two girls sang... they sang like canaries on steroid. So we got all the names of those escapees. Man, that makes the school sound like a prison!

The thing is, it is sad that the villagers are not doing anything about it. So I took it as my responsibility to be the kid wranglers when I am needed to be.

No, I doubt that that was the first time that they had played truant and spent their time at the park. I am disappointed in my school guards, I am disappointed in the parents in the village and most of all, I am disappointed in myself.

So don't go thinking that I am proud of anything.

On of the girls' mother came to school with his uncles when she heard that her daughter was being herded like sheep by the famous nutcase teacher who is me.

She was not very happy with her daughter playing truant with some boys at the park whom she doesn't even know the real name of so she scolded her daughter in front of me. I know, she feels guilty that her daughter was caught being bad, so I assured her that I am not blaming her per se cuz the kids have grown up a bit and they should know better. But just when I heard and saw how her daughter responded to her mom's reprimands, I yelled at the girl, right then and there,

"You better not talk to your mother like that, girl, or I am gonna wash that dirty mouth of yours with soap and water. If it weren't for her, you won't even see the light of day!"

That had made her mom shed tears. I didn't mean to be so brutally honest, but I wanted to remind that girl what does it mean to be a mother.

Anyway, those kids, that is not the first offense and they have done other minor things again and again and everything is on record. I have enough evidence and after a brief discussion, it was agreed that they should be suspended for 5 school days followed by compulsory 3 sessions with the school counselor upon their return to school.

And there were also some kids who were caught smoking on school grounds. They were also suspended.

I left for the day sometime close to 1pm. It was Friday. We never stay at school till 4 on Fridays. Besides, the intensive training for PSKPP netball was due to start at 3 that day.

Then after lunch, I went home, showered, changed and went for intensive practice. While at practice, I called the Coordinator for the Youth2Youth program I am supposed to be facilitating that evening. He said the program is gonna start at 7pm. I said OK, I'd be there. After practice, I went straight home. Relaxed for a little bit. Then felt inspired to spend a few minutes on the Orbitrek. Then I went to my room, showered and slept. I was woken at 8.00pm, and I remembered the program I was supposed to attend. Oh...My... GAWD!

I am such an absent-minded person! I assure you that I am ashamed of myself here. Very ashamed.

I just continued sleeping. I was tired from the day's activities anyway and decide to make amends the next day.

FYI, I have already informed the coordinator that I will be part of the program, but I have to attend to my core business first. He understood that, what with the exams, the preparations for the matchin Kuching and the sekolah ganti on Saturdays.

Saturday;

Went to school for sekolah ganti. More parents came to school concerning the suspensions. They all said basically the same thing; my son didn't do it. And I said basically the same things; Yeah right! I know your kids, how they are at school and how they are at home and even though they are not the devils themselves, yet, I do believe that striking while the iron is still hot is the best thing to do in most cases.

I showed them their children's records and I assured them that the punishment is not meant to make them feel less of a human, but so that they would have time to think for themselves what life is all about and playing truant and smoking is not gonna help them get to where they wanna be in 10 years time.

And yeah, I have witnesses. And yes, I have records of past crimes that I had shown to them. So even if they admit later that they did not do any of those things that was mentioned in the letter, we are going to overlook that. And one parent also asked me to put his son in detention and not let him go home till later that day.

But we discussed about more things and they basically agreed with me.

I know. If I was in a city school, I would have been on the guillotine by now. I know.... I am lucky.

Got to town, and stopped by out usual lunch place but before we had the chance to go to the restaurant, this familiar looking guy called me over to the eating place he was sitting at. It would probably have been rude to say 'No', when he had stood up to make himself seen. So, I said OK and took a seat at the next table with Z.

I was still wondering who he really is, and I even managed to take his photo so I can take it to my school and ask my principal. When he was done, he came to our table with his friend and took his seat next to me. And he started talking and I realized, he was the dad of one of the kids I had suspended that day. HAHAHAHAHAH!

Talk about nervous laughter.

Anyway, he was not mad at me. He knew his kid can be a little hyperactive and troublesome and I did say, I am not sorry for doing what I do at the school because I do firmly believe in nipping things at the bud, while it still matters. Before it is blown out of control.

He said he agrees with me 100%. And he expects me to be firm with his kids and everyone else's. Then after a few more minutes of banter, he excused himself and went on with his business with his partner.

And he paid for our lunch.

Ahahahahahaha.....

Went for practice, they suggested that I ask for a sponsorship from the YB for the team. I have never done that before in my life, but I guess there is a first time for everything. So I am gonna write that letter tonight. And we hung out over tea and coffee afterwards.

Then went home, showered and dressed and went to the Community hall for the Y2Y program by the YB Henry. It was self-reflection that night. The lights were turned off and the only voice you can hear is Dewa's. Oh, he is not some deity. He is just the guy from the Kementerian Belia dan Sukan.

Anyway, he made some tough-looking boys cry their eyes out.

That was that.

Went home, showered (yes, the hall was bloody hot, I was soaking wet from my own sweat, of course I had to shower again) and went to bed after checking my e-mail.

Still nothing from N.

Oh, I told him I was not going, in my e-mail. And if he goes to Lawas and calls me and finds me in Kuching instead, I am just gonna play stupid. He never asks about my plans. Why should I tell him mine?

Wait, wait. I am not trying to make his life harder than it already is. He never asked. He forgets about me. Why should I bother him with the minute details of my life? He doesn't care. Why should I?

Well, that is my assumption based on the 2-week-long silence so far. I wrote him an e-mail asking if I should go to Kuching or not and he hasn't replied yet! Been 5 days. So I wrote him again, and said nevermind, because I am not going. While in actuality, I am. I don't need him to know that I would be close by and making him think I am gonna be there because of him.

I am so not.

I don't think being in love makes you feel like you are perpetually waiting for something that will never be. I really wonder what the fuck he is trying to do here.

Imagine... he last told me that he wanted to see me last May to renew his love for me, siap called me at home pagi-pagi buta! And what the hell is 'renewing' your love means? I didn't think there was an expiry date for love.

We didn't meet then. Why? Because I KNEW HE WOULD BE SHITTILY BUSY. But what grates me most is the fact that he knew that but still said that he will find time to see me, giving me false hope.

Then last June, he said he was coming. But when the time comes, he didn't. He was the one one text me saying that he was coming earlier than expected, that after I text him saying that it would be a year since we last met, soon, in a month time.

Yes, that was to remind him how long it has been in case he forgot, being busy and important. You know?

Fine, you're busy. OK.

You know what? I feel like he is lying to me. Why does he want to go on lying to me again and again?

Am I expecting too much?

IT'S BEEN ONE FUCKING YEAR for God's sake. I greeted him Happy One Year on text! What t he fuck is that?

I am not expecting too much.

He once told me that I should not have high expectations for the man of my life, no matter who he is.

I don't have high expectations. But I do have some sort of expectation! Mana boleh takde expectation langsung? I am not a mannequin.

Pleaselah, how can you not have any expectation of the man you are supposed to be in love with? Get real.

I really do wish he reads this blog so he could at least understand what kind of shitty person I think he is. But I guess if he did, he would just die out of heartbreak. Maybe that would be for the best. I just want to get things over with, and I am not going to break up with him over the phone.

I am not wishing that he is dead, literally. Can't you see I am angry? Shut up!

I have tried ignoring this feeling, but it keep cropping up! Yes, I am beginning to hate him again.

Jim is right. I should not pretend to be someone I am not. And if he thinks he can just run away every time I say or do anything that hurts his feelings, he is wrong. I will be me and no matter how hard I try not to be, there will be times when I'd slip and hurt his feelings. Is he gonna run for the hills every time that happens? Gila ke apa?

Oh he is so sensitive... OF HIS OWN FEELINGS. Not of others.

I am here to see where things are and once I am sure, I will make my move. Bercinta dengan orang crazily eccentric, inilah jadinya. Sabar je lah, kan?

There.

Sunday;

Set my alarm to go at 6.00am. But when it went off, reset it to 6.45am. Tried to get some more sleep. Failed. Got up and showered at 6.30am.

Went for breakfast of mee basah with extra sawi. Ended up eating just the sawi. Went to the hall.

The program was fun. Aerobics, Poco-poco dance, and other stuff. And then I had some time to try Dewa's Kawasaki Easy-rider. 750cc. It was freedoom. I rode all the way to Lawas Damit and back to town. I love how it made me feel.

This jack ass at the program, kept bugging me. He keeps getting to my nerves all through the program. So later at lunch, after the prize-giving ceremony, I sat there eating my lunch and I talked to everyone else except him. And he called my name. Without looking at him, busily fiddling with my digital camera, deleting every photo with him in it, I said,

"I'm sorry. I don't feel like talking to you at the moment. Please stop trying."

"Such a snob."

"No, not a snob, I can be nice. But I expect you to be nice too. But since you have been doing your best in making me mad at you all through the day, I don't think I need to be nice to you."

Everyone at the table was tense and quiet. Probably thinking I am the bitch, I guess. Which is cool.

He just shut up and ignored me afterwards. Hoo yay!

Yes, I am a nasty, nasty person.

Program over, handed the letter for the YB to the coordinator, he promised to contact me tomorrow. Let's keep or fingers crossed. We go do some shopping tomorrow if we do get the sponsorship.

Home again.

Alone in the livingroom with the door open, the ceiling fan and TV on, and writing on my laptop about the day's activities.

I am done for the day. Maybe I will write again tonight. But at the moment, I am sleepy. I am going to take a nap. Then do my laundry when I wake up later.

dilemma

Should I go or should I stay?

I am torn...

going

It is confirmed. I am going to Kuching. Hmm....

tapi itu minggu depan. I will worry about that later. Petang ni aku nak pergi Sipitang. Last time nak berdinner dengan kawan serumah yang akan berpindah esok.

Will sambung blogging malam ni.

I love you all.

terkinja-kinja kah aku?

You Are An Attention Seeker

You're only human, so you can't help but want a little attention every now and then. You love the spotlight, but only when it's well deserved. You'd hate to be known for the wrong thing. And you also don't mind sharing the spotlight. You can easily give someone else credit or a complement. You know there's enough attention to go around, and it makes you happy when your friends shine. You come across as: Friendly and interesting People may wrongly think you're: A little more modest than you actually are!

Are You An Attention Whore?

me? lacking sleep?

You Sometimes Don't Get Enough Sleep

You're often more tired than you'd like, and you're probably not getting enough quality sleep. Sleeping a little more could make you a lot more energetic and happy. Try having a bedtime, keep your bedroom cool, and only eat fruit before bed.

Do You Get Enough Sleep?

am i really?

You Are Pretty Happy

You generally have a happy, fulfilling life. But things could be a little better, and deep down, you know it. Maybe you need more supportive friends or a more challenging career. Something is preventing you from being totally happy. You just need to figure out what it is!

How Happy Are You, Really?

personality disorders

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

I am not too worried about the others, just the part where it says I love myself too much? Do I really? Dear God, save me! I can't be that bad!

will i be going?

Today, an officer at the PPG called me to inform me that after the meeting, the department have agreed to send my netball team to Kuching to represent the division. Well, maybe it's because they are not sending the volleyball team and all the other games are all-male. They should send us just so that they would not seem like ... a you-know-what.

That is my assumptions je. Jangan percaya, okay?

Anyway, dia kata, kalau termasuk saya, dah 12 orang. I said, what? Termasuk saya, baru 11 kalau ikut senarai yang kami ada, iaitu, me as manager and 10 players yang one of them also a coach.

Rupa-rupanya, this Madam Ngu person pulak jadi manager.

Honest to goodness, I tak marah pun mereka replaced me. Sebab as I have said in my previous entry, I can't exactly afford to go. And I meant that. Lagipun Madam Ngu ni dah berkali-kali mengurus pasukan ke PSKPP state level. Dia memang arif tentang semua perkara berkaitan pengurusan pasukan. Memang I setuju sangat dengan keputusan tu.

Tapi this guy thought I marah ke apa, tatau lah. Dia kata, kalau you masuk as a player, you can still go.

Ops!

I know, it would be fun to go to Kuching with people I enjoy being with, i.e. my netball team, tapi it does not mean I would put myself, who is a lousy player in anyone's place, just so I could go!

So I told him,

"Ni semua dalam list ni is the best yang I dah pilih lepas saringan zone and district level. Saya takkan masukkan nama saya in there, tolak mereka ke tepi just so I can go. I know, siapa yang tak suka pergi jalan-jalan macam ni, tapi saya setuju dengan keputusan PPG (bukan power puff girls!) untuk hantar Madam Ngu as manager sebab dia berpengalaman dan these people are good players, takkan nak hantar saya sekali sekadar memberatkan bas saja?"

Those were my exact words.

Then he said, ada pegawai tu dah lantik me as something, I think this guy must think I was eager about the trip to Kuching sebab I ada call dia 2 kali about it. Bukan I nak tau sebab I nak pergi. I was half hoping that I wouldn't have to go because of my limited resources, so to speak. Takkan kali ni I nak bagi tau macam tu juga kat pegawai tu yang I tak kenal langsung tu. I am fine about talking about me being broke, but not to strangers!

So, thinking that I am eager about the trip, the guy at our PPD, thinks she must be put in the team so that she could go too, while totally unaware of the fact that I couldn't care less about going.

I told this guy that there are certain 'kekangan' yang menghalang me from going with my team and that I have tons of work to do at work. Lagipun kalau N betul datang, cuti ni (which I doubt) nak buat cemana?

Tak kisahlah, yang pentingnya I have one week free that I get to spend at work. Bagus tak aku? nak jadi workaholic kah?

I siap cakap lagi, "Encik, saya langsung takde apa-apa perasaan negatif kepada sesiapa pun atas keputusan ini, dan saya percaya orang PPG memang dah buat keputusan yang tepat." Baiknya aku... itu pasal orang suka tertipu, ingat aku ni Power Puff Girl.

Anyway... lepas letak gagang, aku teringat. Kalau aku cakap kat team aku, diorang sedey tak? Tahun lepas Nedu sibuk nak bawak aku, tapi tak dapat juga bawak. Degil kan? Aku dah kata aku takde dalam senarai, naaaak juga abwak aku, dah letih aku pergi latihan intensif, tak jugak dapat ikut. Aku tak marah pun. Tapi heran napa Nedu degil benor nak bawak aku walaupun aku dah kata aku tak layak masuk team tu dan aku dah cadang kat dia nama-nama players lain yang yang berbakat. Eh, tadi dia kata latihan ... latihan intensif ke? Lepas selesaikan ambil photo individu seniors tingkatan 5 Sains, I called him back.

Aku tanya dia pasal latihan intensif. Tapi jadi isu tadi balik.

"Cikgu, kalau ada orang menarik diri, maybe cikgu boleh masuk dalam senarai pemain dan ikut sekali ke Kuching."

Adoi, adoi, adoi...

"Macam ni lah encik, kalau ye mereka menarik diri secara sukarela, saya akan join the team. Tapi jangan kerana nak masukkan saya dalam team tu ada pulak pemain yang layak digugurkan, saya tak setuju."

"Lagipun, walaupun saya tak pergi, saya tetap akan memantau latihan dan persediaan team saya. Jangan risau. Saya akan jalankan tanggungjawab saya, saya cuma tak pergi je.

Aku check balik senarai aku, semua orang locals, cuti ni mereka tak ke mana, just that one girl from the other district yang terpilih tu orang West Malaysia dan dia mungkin balik kampung cuti ni.

"Itulah, tadi saya baru je cuba call dia ni nak tanya pasal status dia cuti ni, tapi tak dapat get through. Saya akan usaha lagi and bagitau cikgu secepat mungkin."

Bila ada orang bersungguh-sungguh macam ni, memang aku tak nafikan aku rasa terharu. I do mean something that ada orang nak usaha bawa aku sekali this time around. tengok la macamana, pergi, pergilah. Kalau tak pergi pun, takpe. Aku kan survivor?

Pasal latihan tu, 3 players dari the other district tu, akan datang melapor diri ke PKG in my town on August 10th, jam 3.00 petang. Pagi sampai petang, sampai August 15th, leave for Limbang, for taklimat, then August 16 bertolak ke Kuching. Back in Limbang August 22nd. Naik bas, nko! Tak ke punggung aku jadi batu nanti sebab kebas.

Entahlah...

Saya yang menurut perintah,

Yang benar,



(Anillynette binti Xxxxx)
Organizer, Manager, Team Captain
PSKPP Netball Xxxxx Team
2007