This week.
A reminder before I go ahead with rambling about the mundane details of my life; I do not claim to be anyone of importance, and I do not claim to be the most accomplished person there is on earth. This is my blog, and as long as I am not causing any damage to anyone else, please don't go judging me for nothing.
I am lazy again, in making entries for my blog, as we can already see. Well, I am just plain lazy sometimes, most of the time, maybe. So, there is nothing more that I can say to explain why that my entries can be too many sometimes and sporadic and almost non-existent at other times.
Oh well...
Friday;
A guy from the village who also trims the school's yard, came to see me at school and, I am guessing that it was an awkward issue, which is not!
(Awkwardly trying to make eye-contact)"Why are there so many school kids at the park at the moment?"
"Really? Well, why didn't you say so earlier?"
I went to get my disciplinary teacher, and we got into my car and drove there. On the way, I say my other disciplinary teacher who took some time to pick up his toddler from play school. Aren't we flexible on that?
We were trying to round them kids up but the tactics were a little off, so most of them got away. But we got two girls. I took the DT's motorbike which he took to get his kid from play school and I rode it like a scrambler, fishing the kids out of the bushes. Maneuvering my way all over the place. It was exhilarating because I have always loved riding any kind of motorbike and I get to test my rusty so-called skills with it.
Still, I wish we had talked over the tactics first, before proceeding. Well, at least those two girls sang... they sang like canaries on steroid. So we got all the names of those escapees. Man, that makes the school sound like a prison!
The thing is, it is sad that the villagers are not doing anything about it. So I took it as my responsibility to be the kid wranglers when I am needed to be.
No, I doubt that that was the first time that they had played truant and spent their time at the park. I am disappointed in my school guards, I am disappointed in the parents in the village and most of all, I am disappointed in myself.
So don't go thinking that I am proud of anything.
On of the girls' mother came to school with his uncles when she heard that her daughter was being herded like sheep by the famous nutcase teacher who is me.
She was not very happy with her daughter playing truant with some boys at the park whom she doesn't even know the real name of so she scolded her daughter in front of me. I know, she feels guilty that her daughter was caught being bad, so I assured her that I am not blaming her per se cuz the kids have grown up a bit and they should know better. But just when I heard and saw how her daughter responded to her mom's reprimands, I yelled at the girl, right then and there,
"You better not talk to your mother like that, girl, or I am gonna wash that dirty mouth of yours with soap and water. If it weren't for her, you won't even see the light of day!"
That had made her mom shed tears. I didn't mean to be so brutally honest, but I wanted to remind that girl what does it mean to be a mother.
Anyway, those kids, that is not the first offense and they have done other minor things again and again and everything is on record. I have enough evidence and after a brief discussion, it was agreed that they should be suspended for 5 school days followed by compulsory 3 sessions with the school counselor upon their return to school.
And there were also some kids who were caught smoking on school grounds. They were also suspended.
I left for the day sometime close to 1pm. It was Friday. We never stay at school till 4 on Fridays. Besides, the intensive training for PSKPP netball was due to start at 3 that day.
Then after lunch, I went home, showered, changed and went for intensive practice. While at practice, I called the Coordinator for the Youth2Youth program I am supposed to be facilitating that evening. He said the program is gonna start at 7pm. I said OK, I'd be there. After practice, I went straight home. Relaxed for a little bit. Then felt inspired to spend a few minutes on the Orbitrek. Then I went to my room, showered and slept. I was woken at 8.00pm, and I remembered the program I was supposed to attend. Oh...My... GAWD!
I am such an absent-minded person! I assure you that I am ashamed of myself here. Very ashamed.
I just continued sleeping. I was tired from the day's activities anyway and decide to make amends the next day.
FYI, I have already informed the coordinator that I will be part of the program, but I have to attend to my core business first. He understood that, what with the exams, the preparations for the matchin Kuching and the sekolah ganti on Saturdays.
Saturday;
Went to school for sekolah ganti. More parents came to school concerning the suspensions. They all said basically the same thing; my son didn't do it. And I said basically the same things; Yeah right! I know your kids, how they are at school and how they are at home and even though they are not the devils themselves, yet, I do believe that striking while the iron is still hot is the best thing to do in most cases.
I showed them their children's records and I assured them that the punishment is not meant to make them feel less of a human, but so that they would have time to think for themselves what life is all about and playing truant and smoking is not gonna help them get to where they wanna be in 10 years time.
And yeah, I have witnesses. And yes, I have records of past crimes that I had shown to them. So even if they admit later that they did not do any of those things that was mentioned in the letter, we are going to overlook that. And one parent also asked me to put his son in detention and not let him go home till later that day.
But we discussed about more things and they basically agreed with me.
I know. If I was in a city school, I would have been on the guillotine by now. I know.... I am lucky.
Got to town, and stopped by out usual lunch place but before we had the chance to go to the restaurant, this familiar looking guy called me over to the eating place he was sitting at. It would probably have been rude to say 'No', when he had stood up to make himself seen. So, I said OK and took a seat at the next table with Z.
I was still wondering who he really is, and I even managed to take his photo so I can take it to my school and ask my principal. When he was done, he came to our table with his friend and took his seat next to me. And he started talking and I realized, he was the dad of one of the kids I had suspended that day. HAHAHAHAHAH!
Talk about nervous laughter.
Anyway, he was not mad at me. He knew his kid can be a little hyperactive and troublesome and I did say, I am not sorry for doing what I do at the school because I do firmly believe in nipping things at the bud, while it still matters. Before it is blown out of control.
He said he agrees with me 100%. And he expects me to be firm with his kids and everyone else's. Then after a few more minutes of banter, he excused himself and went on with his business with his partner.
And he paid for our lunch.
Ahahahahahaha.....
Went for practice, they suggested that I ask for a sponsorship from the YB for the team. I have never done that before in my life, but I guess there is a first time for everything. So I am gonna write that letter tonight. And we hung out over tea and coffee afterwards.
Then went home, showered and dressed and went to the Community hall for the Y2Y program by the YB Henry. It was self-reflection that night. The lights were turned off and the only voice you can hear is Dewa's. Oh, he is not some deity. He is just the guy from the Kementerian Belia dan Sukan.
Anyway, he made some tough-looking boys cry their eyes out.
That was that.
Went home, showered (yes, the hall was bloody hot, I was soaking wet from my own sweat, of course I had to shower again) and went to bed after checking my e-mail.
Still nothing from N.
Oh, I told him I was not going, in my e-mail. And if he goes to Lawas and calls me and finds me in Kuching instead, I am just gonna play stupid. He never asks about my plans. Why should I tell him mine?
Wait, wait. I am not trying to make his life harder than it already is. He never asked. He forgets about me. Why should I bother him with the minute details of my life? He doesn't care. Why should I?
Well, that is my assumption based on the 2-week-long silence so far. I wrote him an e-mail asking if I should go to Kuching or not and he hasn't replied yet! Been 5 days. So I wrote him again, and said nevermind, because I am not going. While in actuality, I am. I don't need him to know that I would be close by and making him think I am gonna be there because of him.
I am so not.
I don't think being in love makes you feel like you are perpetually waiting for something that will never be. I really wonder what the fuck he is trying to do here.
Imagine... he last told me that he wanted to see me last May to renew his love for me, siap called me at home pagi-pagi buta! And what the hell is 'renewing' your love means? I didn't think there was an expiry date for love.
We didn't meet then. Why? Because I KNEW HE WOULD BE SHITTILY BUSY. But what grates me most is the fact that he knew that but still said that he will find time to see me, giving me false hope.
Then last June, he said he was coming. But when the time comes, he didn't. He was the one one text me saying that he was coming earlier than expected, that after I text him saying that it would be a year since we last met, soon, in a month time.
Yes, that was to remind him how long it has been in case he forgot, being busy and important. You know?
Fine, you're busy. OK.
You know what? I feel like he is lying to me. Why does he want to go on lying to me again and again?
Am I expecting too much?
IT'S BEEN ONE FUCKING YEAR for God's sake. I greeted him Happy One Year on text! What t he fuck is that?
I am not expecting too much.
He once told me that I should not have high expectations for the man of my life, no matter who he is.
I don't have high expectations. But I do have some sort of expectation! Mana boleh takde expectation langsung? I am not a mannequin.
Pleaselah, how can you not have any expectation of the man you are supposed to be in love with? Get real.
I really do wish he reads this blog so he could at least understand what kind of shitty person I think he is. But I guess if he did, he would just die out of heartbreak. Maybe that would be for the best. I just want to get things over with, and I am not going to break up with him over the phone.
I am not wishing that he is dead, literally. Can't you see I am angry? Shut up!
I have tried ignoring this feeling, but it keep cropping up! Yes, I am beginning to hate him again.
Jim is right. I should not pretend to be someone I am not. And if he thinks he can just run away every time I say or do anything that hurts his feelings, he is wrong. I will be me and no matter how hard I try not to be, there will be times when I'd slip and hurt his feelings. Is he gonna run for the hills every time that happens? Gila ke apa?
Oh he is so sensitive... OF HIS OWN FEELINGS. Not of others.
I am here to see where things are and once I am sure, I will make my move. Bercinta dengan orang crazily eccentric, inilah jadinya. Sabar je lah, kan?
There.
Sunday;
Set my alarm to go at 6.00am. But when it went off, reset it to 6.45am. Tried to get some more sleep. Failed. Got up and showered at 6.30am.
Went for breakfast of mee basah with extra sawi. Ended up eating just the sawi. Went to the hall.
The program was fun. Aerobics, Poco-poco dance, and other stuff. And then I had some time to try Dewa's Kawasaki Easy-rider. 750cc. It was freedoom. I rode all the way to Lawas Damit and back to town. I love how it made me feel.
This jack ass at the program, kept bugging me. He keeps getting to my nerves all through the program. So later at lunch, after the prize-giving ceremony, I sat there eating my lunch and I talked to everyone else except him. And he called my name. Without looking at him, busily fiddling with my digital camera, deleting every photo with him in it, I said,
"I'm sorry. I don't feel like talking to you at the moment. Please stop trying."
"Such a snob."
"No, not a snob, I can be nice. But I expect you to be nice too. But since you have been doing your best in making me mad at you all through the day, I don't think I need to be nice to you."
Everyone at the table was tense and quiet. Probably thinking I am the bitch, I guess. Which is cool.
He just shut up and ignored me afterwards. Hoo yay!
Yes, I am a nasty, nasty person.
Program over, handed the letter for the YB to the coordinator, he promised to contact me tomorrow. Let's keep or fingers crossed. We go do some shopping tomorrow if we do get the sponsorship.
Home again.
Alone in the livingroom with the door open, the ceiling fan and TV on, and writing on my laptop about the day's activities.
I am done for the day. Maybe I will write again tonight. But at the moment, I am sleepy. I am going to take a nap. Then do my laundry when I wake up later.
A reminder before I go ahead with rambling about the mundane details of my life; I do not claim to be anyone of importance, and I do not claim to be the most accomplished person there is on earth. This is my blog, and as long as I am not causing any damage to anyone else, please don't go judging me for nothing.
I am lazy again, in making entries for my blog, as we can already see. Well, I am just plain lazy sometimes, most of the time, maybe. So, there is nothing more that I can say to explain why that my entries can be too many sometimes and sporadic and almost non-existent at other times.
Oh well...
Friday;
A guy from the village who also trims the school's yard, came to see me at school and, I am guessing that it was an awkward issue, which is not!
(Awkwardly trying to make eye-contact)"Why are there so many school kids at the park at the moment?"
"Really? Well, why didn't you say so earlier?"
I went to get my disciplinary teacher, and we got into my car and drove there. On the way, I say my other disciplinary teacher who took some time to pick up his toddler from play school. Aren't we flexible on that?
We were trying to round them kids up but the tactics were a little off, so most of them got away. But we got two girls. I took the DT's motorbike which he took to get his kid from play school and I rode it like a scrambler, fishing the kids out of the bushes. Maneuvering my way all over the place. It was exhilarating because I have always loved riding any kind of motorbike and I get to test my rusty so-called skills with it.
Still, I wish we had talked over the tactics first, before proceeding. Well, at least those two girls sang... they sang like canaries on steroid. So we got all the names of those escapees. Man, that makes the school sound like a prison!
The thing is, it is sad that the villagers are not doing anything about it. So I took it as my responsibility to be the kid wranglers when I am needed to be.
No, I doubt that that was the first time that they had played truant and spent their time at the park. I am disappointed in my school guards, I am disappointed in the parents in the village and most of all, I am disappointed in myself.
So don't go thinking that I am proud of anything.
On of the girls' mother came to school with his uncles when she heard that her daughter was being herded like sheep by the famous nutcase teacher who is me.
She was not very happy with her daughter playing truant with some boys at the park whom she doesn't even know the real name of so she scolded her daughter in front of me. I know, she feels guilty that her daughter was caught being bad, so I assured her that I am not blaming her per se cuz the kids have grown up a bit and they should know better. But just when I heard and saw how her daughter responded to her mom's reprimands, I yelled at the girl, right then and there,
"You better not talk to your mother like that, girl, or I am gonna wash that dirty mouth of yours with soap and water. If it weren't for her, you won't even see the light of day!"
That had made her mom shed tears. I didn't mean to be so brutally honest, but I wanted to remind that girl what does it mean to be a mother.
Anyway, those kids, that is not the first offense and they have done other minor things again and again and everything is on record. I have enough evidence and after a brief discussion, it was agreed that they should be suspended for 5 school days followed by compulsory 3 sessions with the school counselor upon their return to school.
And there were also some kids who were caught smoking on school grounds. They were also suspended.
I left for the day sometime close to 1pm. It was Friday. We never stay at school till 4 on Fridays. Besides, the intensive training for PSKPP netball was due to start at 3 that day.
Then after lunch, I went home, showered, changed and went for intensive practice. While at practice, I called the Coordinator for the Youth2Youth program I am supposed to be facilitating that evening. He said the program is gonna start at 7pm. I said OK, I'd be there. After practice, I went straight home. Relaxed for a little bit. Then felt inspired to spend a few minutes on the Orbitrek. Then I went to my room, showered and slept. I was woken at 8.00pm, and I remembered the program I was supposed to attend. Oh...My... GAWD!
I am such an absent-minded person! I assure you that I am ashamed of myself here. Very ashamed.
I just continued sleeping. I was tired from the day's activities anyway and decide to make amends the next day.
FYI, I have already informed the coordinator that I will be part of the program, but I have to attend to my core business first. He understood that, what with the exams, the preparations for the matchin Kuching and the sekolah ganti on Saturdays.
Saturday;
Went to school for sekolah ganti. More parents came to school concerning the suspensions. They all said basically the same thing; my son didn't do it. And I said basically the same things; Yeah right! I know your kids, how they are at school and how they are at home and even though they are not the devils themselves, yet, I do believe that striking while the iron is still hot is the best thing to do in most cases.
I showed them their children's records and I assured them that the punishment is not meant to make them feel less of a human, but so that they would have time to think for themselves what life is all about and playing truant and smoking is not gonna help them get to where they wanna be in 10 years time.
And yeah, I have witnesses. And yes, I have records of past crimes that I had shown to them. So even if they admit later that they did not do any of those things that was mentioned in the letter, we are going to overlook that. And one parent also asked me to put his son in detention and not let him go home till later that day.
But we discussed about more things and they basically agreed with me.
I know. If I was in a city school, I would have been on the guillotine by now. I know.... I am lucky.
Got to town, and stopped by out usual lunch place but before we had the chance to go to the restaurant, this familiar looking guy called me over to the eating place he was sitting at. It would probably have been rude to say 'No', when he had stood up to make himself seen. So, I said OK and took a seat at the next table with Z.
I was still wondering who he really is, and I even managed to take his photo so I can take it to my school and ask my principal. When he was done, he came to our table with his friend and took his seat next to me. And he started talking and I realized, he was the dad of one of the kids I had suspended that day. HAHAHAHAHAH!
Talk about nervous laughter.
Anyway, he was not mad at me. He knew his kid can be a little hyperactive and troublesome and I did say, I am not sorry for doing what I do at the school because I do firmly believe in nipping things at the bud, while it still matters. Before it is blown out of control.
He said he agrees with me 100%. And he expects me to be firm with his kids and everyone else's. Then after a few more minutes of banter, he excused himself and went on with his business with his partner.
And he paid for our lunch.
Ahahahahahaha.....
Went for practice, they suggested that I ask for a sponsorship from the YB for the team. I have never done that before in my life, but I guess there is a first time for everything. So I am gonna write that letter tonight. And we hung out over tea and coffee afterwards.
Then went home, showered and dressed and went to the Community hall for the Y2Y program by the YB Henry. It was self-reflection that night. The lights were turned off and the only voice you can hear is Dewa's. Oh, he is not some deity. He is just the guy from the Kementerian Belia dan Sukan.
Anyway, he made some tough-looking boys cry their eyes out.
That was that.
Went home, showered (yes, the hall was bloody hot, I was soaking wet from my own sweat, of course I had to shower again) and went to bed after checking my e-mail.
Still nothing from N.
Oh, I told him I was not going, in my e-mail. And if he goes to Lawas and calls me and finds me in Kuching instead, I am just gonna play stupid. He never asks about my plans. Why should I tell him mine?
Wait, wait. I am not trying to make his life harder than it already is. He never asked. He forgets about me. Why should I bother him with the minute details of my life? He doesn't care. Why should I?
Well, that is my assumption based on the 2-week-long silence so far. I wrote him an e-mail asking if I should go to Kuching or not and he hasn't replied yet! Been 5 days. So I wrote him again, and said nevermind, because I am not going. While in actuality, I am. I don't need him to know that I would be close by and making him think I am gonna be there because of him.
I am so not.
I don't think being in love makes you feel like you are perpetually waiting for something that will never be. I really wonder what the fuck he is trying to do here.
Imagine... he last told me that he wanted to see me last May to renew his love for me, siap called me at home pagi-pagi buta! And what the hell is 'renewing' your love means? I didn't think there was an expiry date for love.
We didn't meet then. Why? Because I KNEW HE WOULD BE SHITTILY BUSY. But what grates me most is the fact that he knew that but still said that he will find time to see me, giving me false hope.
Then last June, he said he was coming. But when the time comes, he didn't. He was the one one text me saying that he was coming earlier than expected, that after I text him saying that it would be a year since we last met, soon, in a month time.
Yes, that was to remind him how long it has been in case he forgot, being busy and important. You know?
Fine, you're busy. OK.
You know what? I feel like he is lying to me. Why does he want to go on lying to me again and again?
Am I expecting too much?
IT'S BEEN ONE FUCKING YEAR for God's sake. I greeted him Happy One Year on text! What t he fuck is that?
I am not expecting too much.
He once told me that I should not have high expectations for the man of my life, no matter who he is.
I don't have high expectations. But I do have some sort of expectation! Mana boleh takde expectation langsung? I am not a mannequin.
Pleaselah, how can you not have any expectation of the man you are supposed to be in love with? Get real.
I really do wish he reads this blog so he could at least understand what kind of shitty person I think he is. But I guess if he did, he would just die out of heartbreak. Maybe that would be for the best. I just want to get things over with, and I am not going to break up with him over the phone.
I am not wishing that he is dead, literally. Can't you see I am angry? Shut up!
I have tried ignoring this feeling, but it keep cropping up! Yes, I am beginning to hate him again.
Jim is right. I should not pretend to be someone I am not. And if he thinks he can just run away every time I say or do anything that hurts his feelings, he is wrong. I will be me and no matter how hard I try not to be, there will be times when I'd slip and hurt his feelings. Is he gonna run for the hills every time that happens? Gila ke apa?
Oh he is so sensitive... OF HIS OWN FEELINGS. Not of others.
I am here to see where things are and once I am sure, I will make my move. Bercinta dengan orang crazily eccentric, inilah jadinya. Sabar je lah, kan?
There.
Sunday;
Set my alarm to go at 6.00am. But when it went off, reset it to 6.45am. Tried to get some more sleep. Failed. Got up and showered at 6.30am.
Went for breakfast of mee basah with extra sawi. Ended up eating just the sawi. Went to the hall.
The program was fun. Aerobics, Poco-poco dance, and other stuff. And then I had some time to try Dewa's Kawasaki Easy-rider. 750cc. It was freedoom. I rode all the way to Lawas Damit and back to town. I love how it made me feel.
This jack ass at the program, kept bugging me. He keeps getting to my nerves all through the program. So later at lunch, after the prize-giving ceremony, I sat there eating my lunch and I talked to everyone else except him. And he called my name. Without looking at him, busily fiddling with my digital camera, deleting every photo with him in it, I said,
"I'm sorry. I don't feel like talking to you at the moment. Please stop trying."
"Such a snob."
"No, not a snob, I can be nice. But I expect you to be nice too. But since you have been doing your best in making me mad at you all through the day, I don't think I need to be nice to you."
Everyone at the table was tense and quiet. Probably thinking I am the bitch, I guess. Which is cool.
He just shut up and ignored me afterwards. Hoo yay!
Yes, I am a nasty, nasty person.
Program over, handed the letter for the YB to the coordinator, he promised to contact me tomorrow. Let's keep or fingers crossed. We go do some shopping tomorrow if we do get the sponsorship.
Home again.
Alone in the livingroom with the door open, the ceiling fan and TV on, and writing on my laptop about the day's activities.
I am done for the day. Maybe I will write again tonight. But at the moment, I am sleepy. I am going to take a nap. Then do my laundry when I wake up later.
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