Showing posts with label N. Show all posts
Showing posts with label N. Show all posts
Friday, September 7, 2007
when he's gone
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
I never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
[When You're Gone lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah Yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
mMm
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
I never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah Yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
mMm
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
together-gether
He picked up my phone and looked at the screen closely. I glanced at him, seeing that he had that odd expression on his face.
"You're not gonna find anything on that phone," I said.
He kept silent.
"Is it the photo on the wallpaper?"
Silence.
"I can't put your photo because people will ask. Well, I did put your photo as wallpaper once, but then I took it off again when we... and I was not sure about an answer if people asks. I don't feel like putting other people's photo in there cuz the phone is mine anyway."
"Why don't you put our photo as wallpaper, the one where we were together-gether?"
How cute is that, coming from his deep, expressionless voice? Almost child-like.
"Really? You want me to put our photo as wallpaper on my phone?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"And what if people asks?"
"Tell them I am your mentor."
"Whot? Banyaklah mentor dengan lentoq-lentoq, lentiq-lentiq macam nih!"
"Let them ask then."
"Are you sure? Cuz I'm gonna do it. I have loads of our together-gether photos on this phone, you know?"
I changed the photo and smiled at him as I showed it to him.
He's the secretive type. In his world, no one knows about me, and I have always quietly wondered if I was not good enough for him that he is doing his best keeping me a secret. But then I realized, what is there to tell? We're stumbling and feeling our way through most things still. I thought he wouldn't like it if people in my world knew about him. However, now that he was the one asking me why wouldn't I, it makes me feel reassured, that this might just be it.
Then Love Story (How Do I Begin) started playing on the radio. He looked at me and asked me to listen to the song carefully. He said it is such a beautiful song and has very deep meaning so he dedicated it to me.
It was a beautiful song I never took notice before. But in the car, at that moment, it felt like the most beautiful part of the afternoon. I looked outside, as I'd usually do, fighting back the urge to cry, as always, and listened to the song. He reached for my hand and entwined his fingers through mine.
Today I realized why exactly I am recording everything I am experiencing with Abang in here shamelessly. Despite the fact that others are reading this, it is my record of the good that is Abang and Me. There are also the bad, but I think so far that has been subsiding. These things I have written is to remind me, in the future, when I start forgetting, that there had been sweet, good, wonderful and joyous happenings in our journey together if we decide that we'd spend the rest of our life together; when I forget, when situation gets tough, when I cry and hit and scream. Angry with him, life and myself. When he would clam up into himself instead of being the steadfast and adoring lover and supporter that I need him to be.
I need this to remind me what we were before the storm and to see how we would be once it pasts.
"You're not gonna find anything on that phone," I said.
He kept silent.
"Is it the photo on the wallpaper?"
Silence.
"I can't put your photo because people will ask. Well, I did put your photo as wallpaper once, but then I took it off again when we... and I was not sure about an answer if people asks. I don't feel like putting other people's photo in there cuz the phone is mine anyway."
"Why don't you put our photo as wallpaper, the one where we were together-gether?"
How cute is that, coming from his deep, expressionless voice? Almost child-like.
"Really? You want me to put our photo as wallpaper on my phone?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"And what if people asks?"
"Tell them I am your mentor."
"Whot? Banyaklah mentor dengan lentoq-lentoq, lentiq-lentiq macam nih!"
"Let them ask then."
"Are you sure? Cuz I'm gonna do it. I have loads of our together-gether photos on this phone, you know?"
I changed the photo and smiled at him as I showed it to him.
He's the secretive type. In his world, no one knows about me, and I have always quietly wondered if I was not good enough for him that he is doing his best keeping me a secret. But then I realized, what is there to tell? We're stumbling and feeling our way through most things still. I thought he wouldn't like it if people in my world knew about him. However, now that he was the one asking me why wouldn't I, it makes me feel reassured, that this might just be it.
Then Love Story (How Do I Begin) started playing on the radio. He looked at me and asked me to listen to the song carefully. He said it is such a beautiful song and has very deep meaning so he dedicated it to me.
It was a beautiful song I never took notice before. But in the car, at that moment, it felt like the most beautiful part of the afternoon. I looked outside, as I'd usually do, fighting back the urge to cry, as always, and listened to the song. He reached for my hand and entwined his fingers through mine.
Today I realized why exactly I am recording everything I am experiencing with Abang in here shamelessly. Despite the fact that others are reading this, it is my record of the good that is Abang and Me. There are also the bad, but I think so far that has been subsiding. These things I have written is to remind me, in the future, when I start forgetting, that there had been sweet, good, wonderful and joyous happenings in our journey together if we decide that we'd spend the rest of our life together; when I forget, when situation gets tough, when I cry and hit and scream. Angry with him, life and myself. When he would clam up into himself instead of being the steadfast and adoring lover and supporter that I need him to be.
I need this to remind me what we were before the storm and to see how we would be once it pasts.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
N
I guess, I don't want anyone to read my blog, because I know I would always, always write about N in here. That was the reason, originally, why I started blogging. To have a place for me to talk things out with myself. Just so happens, I do have readers in here. Just the three, thank God.
So for you people, jangan marah if the things I write keep gravitating towards him.
I can't help it.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
what have i done the last few days
Hey yas....
Am back from Kuching, nak cuci baju, air takde pulak. So, apa lagi nak buat, in this house, all alone? While the things that has happened are still fresh in my mind, I better do it now.
Before I go ahead, I have to warn you, that this is a big ass long entry.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I went to school that morning as usual. Saja nak tunjuk muka and leave things to do to people while I am gone. Macamlah I will be gone forever, kan? Tapi tu lah, memang I have not left the school for long periods of time, since I pegang jawatan ini. So, of course I am a little nervous. Manalah tau, jadi anarchy pulak nanti kan? Choy! Taklah, the students here belum sampai tahap tu lagi. Tapi, manalah tahu...
Then I drove home, beli nasi lemak and balik rumah. Oh, I haven't had breakfast pun. Oh, ye breakfast is a big deal for me. And dinner.
Anyway, ingatkan balik tu nak pack up my stuff and run some errands in town and then tie up some loose ends tapi lepas tu I ended up updating my blog and barely got my stuff packed?
Anyway, right as I was stepping out of the shower, my friend called me and I told her to give me 15 minutes to get dressed and pick her up.
But then after I picked her up, I had to go back home to get my charger for camera battery. Penting woooo.... kalau tertinggal, mau mati dibuatnya wo.... Then tetiba Hajjah Kyah (ni hajjah betul, occay?) came to my place, just as I was getting back into my car. Terkujat plak, cuz I thought she was gonna go with the other Kyah. She told me there was a change in plans because Kyah tu dah pergi awal ke Limbang. So in order to fit Hajjah Kyah's stuff, I had to take out all the sponsored shoes out of the boxes and stacked them up outside my gate.
We were on the way la lepas tu.
Sampai Limbang, pergi taklimat. I was Jurulatih Tak Bertauliah. Tatau ah kenapa mereka nak juga letak mak kat dalam team tuh. Tapi, okaylah, kalau mereka perlukan moral support from me more than they need me as a coach, so be it. Sungguh berkuasa panaskah mak?
Anyway, lepas habis taklimat, mak edarkan barangan sponsored to my players. And seeing that there were cars blocking mine in the crowded parking lot, we went back into the building for tea and some cake. Yes, there were cakes. Chocolate sponge cakes.
Then bawa Hjh Kyah and kak Chae (yang the other friend yang ikut sekali in my car) makan ais kacang kat satu kedai ni. Katanya best la kedai neh. Tapi takde ais kacang original la. Semua yang jenis fancy schmancy. Tapi sebab dah tekak nak makan ABC tapi takde kat tempat lain and also malas nak ke sana ke mari dalam panas buta tu, makan je la kat situ.
Then, we ols ke plaza to do some shopping. Merekalah yang shopping. Kak Chae ikut adik dia later on. Me, I just got myself a new back pack and a haircut, cuz I have been losing a lot of hair. My hair is wavy, ada ke cina kedai tu suggest I straighten it? Hello, I love my wavy hair just the way it is, and just because you can't handle such a complicated style, does not mean I have to conform to the mass. Sorrylah, mak nak straighten my hair lagi ever again. Dah buat sekali dulu, memang la berseri kilatnya. Tapi, muka mak ni yang tak berseri. Sebab bila my hair that frames my face ni dah jadi lurus, ianya menjadikan muka mak ni bertambah bulat, sebulat bola netball. Mak sedar muka mak memang macam bulan purnama bulatnya, itu la all the more reason for me to stick to my natural curls and work with what I have.
FYI, I love my netball face and wavy hair just fine. Itu pasal mak hangin bila mamat tu kata, "Stretten...." dengan selamba badaknya sedang mak berfikir-fikir nak buat lagu mana rambut mak ni. Hangin, babe!
All I wanted was to shorten in with layers. Hopefully that would minimize the hair fall.
Lepas cuci, dia potong. And lepas blow dry, di kirai-kirainya rambut mak! Lagi la mak hangin. Tapi, rambut tu jadi cantik pulak, walau lepas kena kirai. Mak sker!
Lepas tu mak pakai tudung balik, then temankan di Kyah kecik (dia muda dari Hajjah walau nama sama) beli kasut. Selamanyalah aku dok kat dalam salon tu dia tak pergi beli kasut? Rupanya, dia kena tinggal dengan Hajjah, sebab Hajjah pergi CC nak send her assignment kepada pensyarah. Abis kalau sorang tak boleh beli ke, mak tanya dia, dia kata tak bleh. Oh, manjanyalah kau dengan Hajjah Kyah ye? Memang... dia jawab. Adoi adoi...
Lepas tu aku pi cari Hajjah kat CC and dia pun dah selesai mengemail. Kami pun terus pergi kedai kasut sebuah ni. Banyak kedai kasut kat plaza ni, tapi dah sampai situ ada lak yang berkenan, masuk je lah, kan?
Try punya try, dia pergi nak beli kasut warna hitam? It was a pair of black ballet pumps. Aku geram betul. Aku katalah, ko tu muda lagi yang beli kasut cam ni apsal? Aku pun amik la another ballet pumps tapi in gold and has lots of frills on top. Hey, it's not gaudy, it's all about being bold at her age, OK?
Teruslah dia beli tu. Hehehe... kalau kaki ku tak sebesar kaki big foot, aku pun dah sewat satu, taw?
Lepas tu, tetiba dah malam. Mak pergi makan dengan Hajjah Kiah, kat open air tu, mak makan apa? Tak ingat lah. Anyway, lepas tu....
Lepas tu cuba teka mak pergi mana? Mak pergi Penjara Limbang.
No, bukan pergi melawat saudara mak yang banduan, Hajjah Kyah ajak mak spend the night kat umah cousin dia yang happened to be a warder penjara tu. Huhuhuh...
Tingkat 5... mak sikit lagi nak mam... Takde lift, of course. Usually, I would jump at every opportunity untuk kesihatan ni, tapi mak was not in the mood for that that night. Tapi mak naik jugalah, takkan tak tido kat bawah tangga kut?
Thursday, August 16, 2007
I woke up at 5, showered, dressed, packed and had breakfast. Then we both went downstairs, got our stuff to the side of the road, I parked my car a little to the back of the flat building.
Stopped in Miri, and we stopped at every truck stop, ad he eats at every stop. Gila punya driver. Badan dia tak lah gemuk. Is he diabetic, or just has worms?
Friday, August 17, 2007
Half way there, I realized I wanted to see N. Very much so. And I should take that risk and just give him a call.
So I did.
"How is everything?"
"I am fine, so much problems here, have to sort things out,"
"Hmm..."
"So the Pesta is going on at the moment, kan?"
"I don't know... I have school. Tapi tadi tengok persiapannya dah full swing."
"Ye ke? Tapi tadi I heard on the radio...."
"Yeah, well, I have something to tell you, jangan marah..."
"OK..."
"I am on my way to Kuching." I went on explaining why I am on my way to Kuching. He waited for me to finish albeit impatiently.
"You are? Where are you now?" Oh God, that excitement in his voice just broke the ice that's been encasing my heart.
"I don't know. Somewhere. After Sarikei. We spent the night there" Looked at the signboards outside. "Sungai Krian."
"Sungai Krian? Looks like you will be here this afternoon. When are you scheduled to arrive?"
"I am not very aware of the bus driver's schedule... but maybe this afternoon,"
"Okay, then I will call you when you get here."
"No, I will call you when I get there."
Then we stopped at Everise Batu 4. For an hour.
On the bus again, just as the bus trembles back to live, my phone rings. It was him.
"Are you here yet?"
"No, we stopped at Everise Batu 4. And I am not too sure when I will get there, so I don't wanna bother you with phone calls until I get there."
"Okay then, just tell me when you get there."
We did get there, finally, at 5 or something. I called him and asked him... rather told him that I intend to see him tonight, even though he would be the one driving. He asked ot be given half an hour to think.
Think? What is wrong with this guy? He has not seen me for months and when I am finally within reach, he has to think? Just get your ass down here, right now! I don't care about the rest. Even if we have to be stuck in the car all night.
I told him I will settle down in the hostel first, before I get a shower get ready to go out with him.
Half an hour later, he called me and said,
"I am three minutes to the hostel."
He was soooo funny! Padan muka dia kena tunggu me. for 10 more minutes.
I had already showered and put on my make up.
Hoi, before you go judging me, let me tell you this, pandai la korang nak kata I don't like women who puts on too much make up. I'm not gonna say if I put too much on or not, but the thing is, a good powder will even out the skin tone, and a great thick lash will make you seem dreamy and a great lip gloss will make you ten years younger. And I don't give a rat's ass for you losers who does not know how hard for a girl to look natural with make up because I buy my make up myself, with my money and this is my face I am putting it on, and it is N who is gonna look at it and hate or appreciate it.
Oh, and the next time you go on a date, just look closely at your gf and see if she really is au naturel or just too good at putting on make up that you just can't tell.
Anyway, I was sweating bullets by the time I was done getting dressed! Benci!!! I was drenched! How do you try to look relaxed when you are drenched in perspiration! On your first date after months! Aku benci!!!
But I did my best. Everyone in the dorm was surprised to see me all primped up with my Nose sexy heels when in the whole two days to get there, I wore baggy tees and jeans and a sort of a cowboy boots. Frumpy... But they've never seen me at school either. I do dress well when I go to work or when I have to show up for official events. I'm into classic, and I am bad at casual. That's all.
He's been calling me twice to make sure he got to the right place, making me even more nervous. On the way to his car, I don't know what kind of car he drives, and I was talking in the phone, but I could see his silhouette in the car, so I went straight to it, and in doing that, I caught the attention of a very manly looking of a certain Miss Tan(No, I am not saying that she has the hots for me. She is a very nice lady). She quipped that I looked nice, I joked back, Mestilah, nak jumpa lou kung, kan? Dalam hati, God damnit! Kenapa mulut aku ni laju sangat?
I just quickly jumped into the car and said hi to him without even looking at him, as I was still talking to Miss Tan. I finally said goodbye to her and closed the door a few seconds later. I hope that would have made enough impression that I am calm and collected.
Please la... The sudden temperature shift from the hot and humid outside and cold and crisp of the inside of his car was a shock to me and I started feeling self-conscious about being so sweaty. Thank God, the ac was on full blast that my body temp went down a few moments later and I was all dry by the time we got to the place near the river at Fort Margharita.
The food sucked. But I think he was nervous too. So the food didn't matter much. We didn't say much there. We talked about mundane stuff, work, general stuff, life. After paying up, we got back in the car, and we just drove around.
He reached for my hand which I laid on my handbag on my lap. I didn't hold his hand back. I looked outside, like it didn't matter. His hand stayed over mine for a while until he had to shift gears. Then he kept them on the wheels.
He doesn't know how that little gesture made me feel inside. So I reached for his hands, weaved my fingers in between his brought it to my lips and kissed the back of his hand and held on to it on my lap. We held hands in silence. He just drove. I looked outside, trying hard not to cry, staring hard into the darkness outside.
"I never left you."
"Then why did you have to stay away for so long?"
"I just had to get away. In business that is called a retreat. It's good for the soul." Augh!
"Am I adding to your problems?"
"No."
"Am I a problem? Am I making things difficult for you?"
"No, no, no. There are so many problems at the moment. I just can't drop everything and go see you."
He did say that he wished that we'd lose all our games so he'd be able to have me all day Sunday. Was that bad of him? No, I told him Limbang never won. He just said that so he could have more time with me.
The rest of the ride was spent quietly. I had to go back to the hostel for the briefing for coaches and managers at the school hall. He sent me back to the hostel and promised to pick me up for breakfast the next day and dropping me off for the match afterwards.
I went to the briefing, followed by a meeting with the organizer of our respective events.
That night, Kapit pulled out at the last minute, so we ended up playing the first game. No breakfast with N.
That night, we reshuffled the team because we were short of veteran players. So in the end, I ended up being the manager and the lady who was manager, had to play GS, which I was supposed to play.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
How did we do? Badly. As expected. We lost all three games. But I am still proud of my girls because they did make an effort to put up a fight. These people are mostly state-level players and they have the know hows of everything from nutrition to practice and exercises. How can my team beat them? I look at it as a learning curve that will prepare me for next year, if we are given another chance that is.
That night, we went to Topspot for dinner. Dinner was a lot of seafood and air kelapa. Then because there was so much left over, he asked for the waitress to ta pao it. Then we drove to his place and dropped the ta pao there for his daughter. His maid came out. His youngest daughter was probably upstairs. Then he showed me around his neighborhood and where his workplace was. It was within the housing area. Which is a great thing, from my point of view.
Then it was late, he took me back to the school where my team and I were staying.
In case you are thinking why doesn't he put me up in a hotel room where it would be more comfortable, he shouldn't, I am team manager, and leaving them behind when I go see him is bad enough, I should not abandon them altogether.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
He called me and said he would pick me up in an hour. I showered and dressed and again, he was early. Everyone else have left earlier by bus on their own day trip around the city.
We went to Bau for a hearty breakfast of tempoyak goreng, fried salted eggs, rice and ayam pansoh. Who has those for breakfast? We did. And as funny as most people would think those sounded, they were great. Especially with N across the table, anything would be great.
The we went to Serikin where people go to buy things at a cheap price because the things being sold there are from Indonesia. He could have taken me to Tebedu, but I don't have an international passport. So Serikin was the next best thing.
I walked all over the place not buying anything but I took a lot of photos, telling him I don't know what to buy, but I know my mom would have a great time here. After looking at those things and getting all sweaty, we got back in the car, and as he maneuver the car through the throng of people, I called W on my cell phone telling her where I was, and asked her what would she want from there. Handbags.
I got off the car, and N sempat cakap, why not get the pretty prayer shrouds for my mom. And while he got the car out of the market, I went to bargain for those things. I got three handbags, 2 prayer shrouds with gold ruffles and a sunglass.
Cool.
Got back in the car, and after stopping by at the market for some vegetables, we drove back to town. And where did he take me? To his office!
There he turned on his computer and made me sit in his chair and actually told me to use the internet. He's loosened up all right, but now he is nervous again. I wondered why, subconsciously.
He told me that he was offered to run the same college in KK. He has his misgivings and still thinking about it. He likes KK, but then it would mean leaving something he had worked hard for. I told him, just because he likes something doesn't mean that he has to live there. It can always be a retreat for him. Actually living there would take that something special from it. He said he's still thinking about it. Besides, nanti dapat major pain because the people in Sabah is not exactly like people in Sarawak. He might regret his decision.
I sat in his chair, but I told him that I am fine, I don't need to use the internet, but I fiddled around with his computer and then he pulled out a drawer in his desk.
"Here, I wanna show you something."
It was a piece of paper congratulating him for a job well done.
"Awww... congratulations! I am so proud of you!"
"Wait, wait, read till the end!" He was so happy, like a little boy! I read on.
It was a piece of paper congratulating him for a job well done and the prize is a honeymoon trip for two for umrah or Indonesia and must be claimed in 12 months time.
"Alah, that is so sweet. Kesiannya... Tak boleh pergi seorang ke?"
Then he did the cutest thing, I think. He took something from the drawer and clipped my photo onto the letter. I was speechless.
But we both laughed and I took that as a joke of course. No use taking everything seriously and ruin things. Really, I didn't mind.
There was The Battle of The Bands going on at his college at that time. I think he was at the office because he wanted to watch out for trouble makers because all the while we were there, he kept going outside and watching for suspicious groups of people. Besides, he has always spent Sundays at the office, he didn't know exactly what to do with me around? I don't know.
I fiddled with my laptop that I took with me because of the safety issue at the school. I moved new images from my already filled up camera memory card to the laptop and looked at new ones while he worked on his computer. Then I got sleepy and took a nap, propping myself on his desk. It was all good. Then I woke up, he was praying and I didn't know what else to do, so I got myself online and updated my blog.
Then it was 4 pm and he was hungry again when he realized that we have not had lunch yet. I tak perasan I was hungry because I had a lot of mints.
We went for nasi goreng kampung with Tandoori chicken. I saw some lamb curry, so he got me that too. He feeds me like a daughter.
Afterwards, we went driving around, and he got me some ayam percik and nasi kerabu for dinner. Tapao'ed because we were still very full from 'lunch' at 4 pm. I asked him to buy me a plastic sack to put all my dirty laundry.
I ended up sharing all that food with the rest of my roomates because they have yet to have dinner. Kesian they all tu. Bus driver cam shial. Benci! Tapi takpelah, I was really still full, so there was plenty to share.
Malam tu tetiba orang kata, kita akan balik jam 4.00 pagi. I felt like crying. But all I did was paksa myself to sleep and hope for the best, as they all went downstairs to watch the karaoke competition at the school hall. They had asked me to put on some make up on them. They were so happy, I just couldn't believe it.
Then they told me that they will discuss the departure time further the next day before breakfast. Tennis tak habis lagi. Tapi ada orang nak ambil PTK.
I called and text him telling him about it. He doesn't answer the phone after 8pm. I knew that. I left him a voice message.
Monday, August 20, 2007
He called me at 5.54am asking me where I was, thinking that I have left. I told him there was a change of plans and we won't know till they talk about it later.
So everyone left for breakfast while I waited for him in our room. When he called again, I was already putting on my shoes.
We went for breakfast, of mee jawa and satay. Satay? For breakfast? Here they do have satay for breakfast.
Then we drove around and I made a lot of videos of him telling jokes. We laughed so much! I took a whole lot more photos of us. We looked like we were having a lot of fun in them. I love those photos. And I took so many because I would at least have these if he decides to hide away again.
I told him that only go to KK if he wants to have a new challenge. He said if he decides to go there, it would be for good and he would just settle down there and build a new life there. Whatever his decision, I hope that life would include me.
Then he bought me nasi tapao of kari kambing. Aww... To me that is adorable.Suka hati korang la nak kata he is strange ke apa ke. The thing is, he makes sure that I am properly fed, even up to the very last moment we were spending together. That's nice and sweet of him. And don't go making him look and sound creepy.
Anyway, then he sent me back to the school. He told me that he didn't buy me that sack, because he's got three bags in the trunk instead for me to choose from. He opened the trunk and I just picked the huge green luggage. He just looked at me and my selection. I asked him if he bought it on one of his Mecca trips. Somehow the arab words in the tiny sticker just made me wanna say Mecca. And he asked me how I knew. Oh it was the sticker, I said, and he went back into his car, I opened the front passenger side door, leaned in and salam and kissed his hand and said goodbye.
There was plenty of time to pack up my things and plenty of room too with more than enough left for my friends to tumpang the bag and also the netball ball and bibs too. I realized it was a Samsonite. Patutla beg tu nampak menarik je. Hahaha... but it's mine now. He said so. So while the rest of the team went to get some lunch at the cafeteria we never knew was there, I laid in the bed looking at the videos we made earlier in the morning while waiting to get downstairs.
Barang-barang semua dah bawa turun kecuali my last luggage and back pack. Tunggu, tunggu. Dah kul 11.30 I went turned off the lights and fan and went to sit at the top of the stairs where I would be able to see the bus when it comes around.
When it did, my team members belum lagi turun from the cafeteria. I ended up lifting all their bags and mine into the bus after calling them on my cellphone to get their asses on the bus or else. Oddly, after all that heavy lifting, my spirits were still very much high up in the air. Usually, I would be stark raving mad because I hate having to do things for other people unnecessarily. But since I love my girls so much, I'll excuse their tardiness this time. And because I was still all dreamy over N and the fun we had all morning.
The trip back was crazy. We left Kuching at 12 and we reached Miri at 6am the next day. The driver is crazy, I tell you. Just pee stops, no shower. I had my videos and photos on my camera, so I was fine.
In Limbang, we were dropped off at the penjara and then Hajjah and I stopped by Kyah's palce for some durian fix. It was great. There was plenty and I ate with such glee.
Then it was time to go home, not after some sup tulang for a late lunch at a restaurant in Limbang.
Sampai Lawas... I realized forgot to call my landlady to tell her I was coming home. I didn't think it was a big problem because it was Monday and they have a business to run. I was wrong. It was the school break, of course they would be off gallivanting somewhere with their kids! Bodo la aku!
I called them and true enough, they were just leaving KK and in Papar at that moment. Matila aku kena tunggu. I asked Hajjah Kyah to join me for lepak and tea at the wharf and then when it was time to leave, I went to the riverside and lepak there alone. Then it got so boring, I went to the gas station, filled up and drove to Punang. There, I sat in the car, in the dark and attempted to play the games on the cellphone. I sucked. Then my phone rang and it was my landlady telling me that she was home. I drove back and unpacked my car.
Wanted to do my laundry, but there was no water. Geram betul. So what else is there to do other than update my blog.
It's 3 am and I am still here writing, because I don't wanna do it when I have forgotten most of the details.
I'll post photos tomorrow. Oh... we're going to Jerudong Park on Thursday. Is that awesome or what?
Am back from Kuching, nak cuci baju, air takde pulak. So, apa lagi nak buat, in this house, all alone? While the things that has happened are still fresh in my mind, I better do it now.
Before I go ahead, I have to warn you, that this is a big ass long entry.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I went to school that morning as usual. Saja nak tunjuk muka and leave things to do to people while I am gone. Macamlah I will be gone forever, kan? Tapi tu lah, memang I have not left the school for long periods of time, since I pegang jawatan ini. So, of course I am a little nervous. Manalah tau, jadi anarchy pulak nanti kan? Choy! Taklah, the students here belum sampai tahap tu lagi. Tapi, manalah tahu...
Then I drove home, beli nasi lemak and balik rumah. Oh, I haven't had breakfast pun. Oh, ye breakfast is a big deal for me. And dinner.
Anyway, ingatkan balik tu nak pack up my stuff and run some errands in town and then tie up some loose ends tapi lepas tu I ended up updating my blog and barely got my stuff packed?
Anyway, right as I was stepping out of the shower, my friend called me and I told her to give me 15 minutes to get dressed and pick her up.
But then after I picked her up, I had to go back home to get my charger for camera battery. Penting woooo.... kalau tertinggal, mau mati dibuatnya wo.... Then tetiba Hajjah Kyah (ni hajjah betul, occay?) came to my place, just as I was getting back into my car. Terkujat plak, cuz I thought she was gonna go with the other Kyah. She told me there was a change in plans because Kyah tu dah pergi awal ke Limbang. So in order to fit Hajjah Kyah's stuff, I had to take out all the sponsored shoes out of the boxes and stacked them up outside my gate.
We were on the way la lepas tu.
Sampai Limbang, pergi taklimat. I was Jurulatih Tak Bertauliah. Tatau ah kenapa mereka nak juga letak mak kat dalam team tuh. Tapi, okaylah, kalau mereka perlukan moral support from me more than they need me as a coach, so be it. Sungguh berkuasa panaskah mak?
Anyway, lepas habis taklimat, mak edarkan barangan sponsored to my players. And seeing that there were cars blocking mine in the crowded parking lot, we went back into the building for tea and some cake. Yes, there were cakes. Chocolate sponge cakes.
Then bawa Hjh Kyah and kak Chae (yang the other friend yang ikut sekali in my car) makan ais kacang kat satu kedai ni. Katanya best la kedai neh. Tapi takde ais kacang original la. Semua yang jenis fancy schmancy. Tapi sebab dah tekak nak makan ABC tapi takde kat tempat lain and also malas nak ke sana ke mari dalam panas buta tu, makan je la kat situ.
Then, we ols ke plaza to do some shopping. Merekalah yang shopping. Kak Chae ikut adik dia later on. Me, I just got myself a new back pack and a haircut, cuz I have been losing a lot of hair. My hair is wavy, ada ke cina kedai tu suggest I straighten it? Hello, I love my wavy hair just the way it is, and just because you can't handle such a complicated style, does not mean I have to conform to the mass. Sorrylah, mak nak straighten my hair lagi ever again. Dah buat sekali dulu, memang la berseri kilatnya. Tapi, muka mak ni yang tak berseri. Sebab bila my hair that frames my face ni dah jadi lurus, ianya menjadikan muka mak ni bertambah bulat, sebulat bola netball. Mak sedar muka mak memang macam bulan purnama bulatnya, itu la all the more reason for me to stick to my natural curls and work with what I have.
FYI, I love my netball face and wavy hair just fine. Itu pasal mak hangin bila mamat tu kata, "Stretten...." dengan selamba badaknya sedang mak berfikir-fikir nak buat lagu mana rambut mak ni. Hangin, babe!
All I wanted was to shorten in with layers. Hopefully that would minimize the hair fall.
Lepas cuci, dia potong. And lepas blow dry, di kirai-kirainya rambut mak! Lagi la mak hangin. Tapi, rambut tu jadi cantik pulak, walau lepas kena kirai. Mak sker!
Lepas tu mak pakai tudung balik, then temankan di Kyah kecik (dia muda dari Hajjah walau nama sama) beli kasut. Selamanyalah aku dok kat dalam salon tu dia tak pergi beli kasut? Rupanya, dia kena tinggal dengan Hajjah, sebab Hajjah pergi CC nak send her assignment kepada pensyarah. Abis kalau sorang tak boleh beli ke, mak tanya dia, dia kata tak bleh. Oh, manjanyalah kau dengan Hajjah Kyah ye? Memang... dia jawab. Adoi adoi...
Lepas tu aku pi cari Hajjah kat CC and dia pun dah selesai mengemail. Kami pun terus pergi kedai kasut sebuah ni. Banyak kedai kasut kat plaza ni, tapi dah sampai situ ada lak yang berkenan, masuk je lah, kan?
Try punya try, dia pergi nak beli kasut warna hitam? It was a pair of black ballet pumps. Aku geram betul. Aku katalah, ko tu muda lagi yang beli kasut cam ni apsal? Aku pun amik la another ballet pumps tapi in gold and has lots of frills on top. Hey, it's not gaudy, it's all about being bold at her age, OK?
Teruslah dia beli tu. Hehehe... kalau kaki ku tak sebesar kaki big foot, aku pun dah sewat satu, taw?
Lepas tu, tetiba dah malam. Mak pergi makan dengan Hajjah Kiah, kat open air tu, mak makan apa? Tak ingat lah. Anyway, lepas tu....
Lepas tu cuba teka mak pergi mana? Mak pergi Penjara Limbang.
No, bukan pergi melawat saudara mak yang banduan, Hajjah Kyah ajak mak spend the night kat umah cousin dia yang happened to be a warder penjara tu. Huhuhuh...
Tingkat 5... mak sikit lagi nak mam... Takde lift, of course. Usually, I would jump at every opportunity untuk kesihatan ni, tapi mak was not in the mood for that that night. Tapi mak naik jugalah, takkan tak tido kat bawah tangga kut?
Thursday, August 16, 2007
I woke up at 5, showered, dressed, packed and had breakfast. Then we both went downstairs, got our stuff to the side of the road, I parked my car a little to the back of the flat building.
Stopped in Miri, and we stopped at every truck stop, ad he eats at every stop. Gila punya driver. Badan dia tak lah gemuk. Is he diabetic, or just has worms?
Friday, August 17, 2007
Half way there, I realized I wanted to see N. Very much so. And I should take that risk and just give him a call.
So I did.
"How is everything?"
"I am fine, so much problems here, have to sort things out,"
"Hmm..."
"So the Pesta is going on at the moment, kan?"
"I don't know... I have school. Tapi tadi tengok persiapannya dah full swing."
"Ye ke? Tapi tadi I heard on the radio...."
"Yeah, well, I have something to tell you, jangan marah..."
"OK..."
"I am on my way to Kuching." I went on explaining why I am on my way to Kuching. He waited for me to finish albeit impatiently.
"You are? Where are you now?" Oh God, that excitement in his voice just broke the ice that's been encasing my heart.
"I don't know. Somewhere. After Sarikei. We spent the night there" Looked at the signboards outside. "Sungai Krian."
"Sungai Krian? Looks like you will be here this afternoon. When are you scheduled to arrive?"
"I am not very aware of the bus driver's schedule... but maybe this afternoon,"
"Okay, then I will call you when you get here."
"No, I will call you when I get there."
Then we stopped at Everise Batu 4. For an hour.
On the bus again, just as the bus trembles back to live, my phone rings. It was him.
"Are you here yet?"
"No, we stopped at Everise Batu 4. And I am not too sure when I will get there, so I don't wanna bother you with phone calls until I get there."
"Okay then, just tell me when you get there."
We did get there, finally, at 5 or something. I called him and asked him... rather told him that I intend to see him tonight, even though he would be the one driving. He asked ot be given half an hour to think.
Think? What is wrong with this guy? He has not seen me for months and when I am finally within reach, he has to think? Just get your ass down here, right now! I don't care about the rest. Even if we have to be stuck in the car all night.
I told him I will settle down in the hostel first, before I get a shower get ready to go out with him.
Half an hour later, he called me and said,
"I am three minutes to the hostel."
He was soooo funny! Padan muka dia kena tunggu me. for 10 more minutes.
I had already showered and put on my make up.
Hoi, before you go judging me, let me tell you this, pandai la korang nak kata I don't like women who puts on too much make up. I'm not gonna say if I put too much on or not, but the thing is, a good powder will even out the skin tone, and a great thick lash will make you seem dreamy and a great lip gloss will make you ten years younger. And I don't give a rat's ass for you losers who does not know how hard for a girl to look natural with make up because I buy my make up myself, with my money and this is my face I am putting it on, and it is N who is gonna look at it and hate or appreciate it.
Oh, and the next time you go on a date, just look closely at your gf and see if she really is au naturel or just too good at putting on make up that you just can't tell.
Anyway, I was sweating bullets by the time I was done getting dressed! Benci!!! I was drenched! How do you try to look relaxed when you are drenched in perspiration! On your first date after months! Aku benci!!!
But I did my best. Everyone in the dorm was surprised to see me all primped up with my Nose sexy heels when in the whole two days to get there, I wore baggy tees and jeans and a sort of a cowboy boots. Frumpy... But they've never seen me at school either. I do dress well when I go to work or when I have to show up for official events. I'm into classic, and I am bad at casual. That's all.
He's been calling me twice to make sure he got to the right place, making me even more nervous. On the way to his car, I don't know what kind of car he drives, and I was talking in the phone, but I could see his silhouette in the car, so I went straight to it, and in doing that, I caught the attention of a very manly looking of a certain Miss Tan(No, I am not saying that she has the hots for me. She is a very nice lady). She quipped that I looked nice, I joked back, Mestilah, nak jumpa lou kung, kan? Dalam hati, God damnit! Kenapa mulut aku ni laju sangat?
I just quickly jumped into the car and said hi to him without even looking at him, as I was still talking to Miss Tan. I finally said goodbye to her and closed the door a few seconds later. I hope that would have made enough impression that I am calm and collected.
Please la... The sudden temperature shift from the hot and humid outside and cold and crisp of the inside of his car was a shock to me and I started feeling self-conscious about being so sweaty. Thank God, the ac was on full blast that my body temp went down a few moments later and I was all dry by the time we got to the place near the river at Fort Margharita.
The food sucked. But I think he was nervous too. So the food didn't matter much. We didn't say much there. We talked about mundane stuff, work, general stuff, life. After paying up, we got back in the car, and we just drove around.
He reached for my hand which I laid on my handbag on my lap. I didn't hold his hand back. I looked outside, like it didn't matter. His hand stayed over mine for a while until he had to shift gears. Then he kept them on the wheels.
He doesn't know how that little gesture made me feel inside. So I reached for his hands, weaved my fingers in between his brought it to my lips and kissed the back of his hand and held on to it on my lap. We held hands in silence. He just drove. I looked outside, trying hard not to cry, staring hard into the darkness outside.
"I never left you."
"Then why did you have to stay away for so long?"
"I just had to get away. In business that is called a retreat. It's good for the soul." Augh!
"Am I adding to your problems?"
"No."
"Am I a problem? Am I making things difficult for you?"
"No, no, no. There are so many problems at the moment. I just can't drop everything and go see you."
He did say that he wished that we'd lose all our games so he'd be able to have me all day Sunday. Was that bad of him? No, I told him Limbang never won. He just said that so he could have more time with me.
The rest of the ride was spent quietly. I had to go back to the hostel for the briefing for coaches and managers at the school hall. He sent me back to the hostel and promised to pick me up for breakfast the next day and dropping me off for the match afterwards.
I went to the briefing, followed by a meeting with the organizer of our respective events.
That night, Kapit pulled out at the last minute, so we ended up playing the first game. No breakfast with N.
That night, we reshuffled the team because we were short of veteran players. So in the end, I ended up being the manager and the lady who was manager, had to play GS, which I was supposed to play.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
How did we do? Badly. As expected. We lost all three games. But I am still proud of my girls because they did make an effort to put up a fight. These people are mostly state-level players and they have the know hows of everything from nutrition to practice and exercises. How can my team beat them? I look at it as a learning curve that will prepare me for next year, if we are given another chance that is.
That night, we went to Topspot for dinner. Dinner was a lot of seafood and air kelapa. Then because there was so much left over, he asked for the waitress to ta pao it. Then we drove to his place and dropped the ta pao there for his daughter. His maid came out. His youngest daughter was probably upstairs. Then he showed me around his neighborhood and where his workplace was. It was within the housing area. Which is a great thing, from my point of view.
Then it was late, he took me back to the school where my team and I were staying.
In case you are thinking why doesn't he put me up in a hotel room where it would be more comfortable, he shouldn't, I am team manager, and leaving them behind when I go see him is bad enough, I should not abandon them altogether.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
He called me and said he would pick me up in an hour. I showered and dressed and again, he was early. Everyone else have left earlier by bus on their own day trip around the city.
We went to Bau for a hearty breakfast of tempoyak goreng, fried salted eggs, rice and ayam pansoh. Who has those for breakfast? We did. And as funny as most people would think those sounded, they were great. Especially with N across the table, anything would be great.
The we went to Serikin where people go to buy things at a cheap price because the things being sold there are from Indonesia. He could have taken me to Tebedu, but I don't have an international passport. So Serikin was the next best thing.
I walked all over the place not buying anything but I took a lot of photos, telling him I don't know what to buy, but I know my mom would have a great time here. After looking at those things and getting all sweaty, we got back in the car, and as he maneuver the car through the throng of people, I called W on my cell phone telling her where I was, and asked her what would she want from there. Handbags.
I got off the car, and N sempat cakap, why not get the pretty prayer shrouds for my mom. And while he got the car out of the market, I went to bargain for those things. I got three handbags, 2 prayer shrouds with gold ruffles and a sunglass.
Cool.
Got back in the car, and after stopping by at the market for some vegetables, we drove back to town. And where did he take me? To his office!
There he turned on his computer and made me sit in his chair and actually told me to use the internet. He's loosened up all right, but now he is nervous again. I wondered why, subconsciously.
He told me that he was offered to run the same college in KK. He has his misgivings and still thinking about it. He likes KK, but then it would mean leaving something he had worked hard for. I told him, just because he likes something doesn't mean that he has to live there. It can always be a retreat for him. Actually living there would take that something special from it. He said he's still thinking about it. Besides, nanti dapat major pain because the people in Sabah is not exactly like people in Sarawak. He might regret his decision.
I sat in his chair, but I told him that I am fine, I don't need to use the internet, but I fiddled around with his computer and then he pulled out a drawer in his desk.
"Here, I wanna show you something."
It was a piece of paper congratulating him for a job well done.
"Awww... congratulations! I am so proud of you!"
"Wait, wait, read till the end!" He was so happy, like a little boy! I read on.
It was a piece of paper congratulating him for a job well done and the prize is a honeymoon trip for two for umrah or Indonesia and must be claimed in 12 months time.
"Alah, that is so sweet. Kesiannya... Tak boleh pergi seorang ke?"
Then he did the cutest thing, I think. He took something from the drawer and clipped my photo onto the letter. I was speechless.
But we both laughed and I took that as a joke of course. No use taking everything seriously and ruin things. Really, I didn't mind.
There was The Battle of The Bands going on at his college at that time. I think he was at the office because he wanted to watch out for trouble makers because all the while we were there, he kept going outside and watching for suspicious groups of people. Besides, he has always spent Sundays at the office, he didn't know exactly what to do with me around? I don't know.
I fiddled with my laptop that I took with me because of the safety issue at the school. I moved new images from my already filled up camera memory card to the laptop and looked at new ones while he worked on his computer. Then I got sleepy and took a nap, propping myself on his desk. It was all good. Then I woke up, he was praying and I didn't know what else to do, so I got myself online and updated my blog.
Then it was 4 pm and he was hungry again when he realized that we have not had lunch yet. I tak perasan I was hungry because I had a lot of mints.
We went for nasi goreng kampung with Tandoori chicken. I saw some lamb curry, so he got me that too. He feeds me like a daughter.
Afterwards, we went driving around, and he got me some ayam percik and nasi kerabu for dinner. Tapao'ed because we were still very full from 'lunch' at 4 pm. I asked him to buy me a plastic sack to put all my dirty laundry.
I ended up sharing all that food with the rest of my roomates because they have yet to have dinner. Kesian they all tu. Bus driver cam shial. Benci! Tapi takpelah, I was really still full, so there was plenty to share.
Malam tu tetiba orang kata, kita akan balik jam 4.00 pagi. I felt like crying. But all I did was paksa myself to sleep and hope for the best, as they all went downstairs to watch the karaoke competition at the school hall. They had asked me to put on some make up on them. They were so happy, I just couldn't believe it.
Then they told me that they will discuss the departure time further the next day before breakfast. Tennis tak habis lagi. Tapi ada orang nak ambil PTK.
I called and text him telling him about it. He doesn't answer the phone after 8pm. I knew that. I left him a voice message.
Monday, August 20, 2007
He called me at 5.54am asking me where I was, thinking that I have left. I told him there was a change of plans and we won't know till they talk about it later.
So everyone left for breakfast while I waited for him in our room. When he called again, I was already putting on my shoes.
We went for breakfast, of mee jawa and satay. Satay? For breakfast? Here they do have satay for breakfast.
Then we drove around and I made a lot of videos of him telling jokes. We laughed so much! I took a whole lot more photos of us. We looked like we were having a lot of fun in them. I love those photos. And I took so many because I would at least have these if he decides to hide away again.
I told him that only go to KK if he wants to have a new challenge. He said if he decides to go there, it would be for good and he would just settle down there and build a new life there. Whatever his decision, I hope that life would include me.
Then he bought me nasi tapao of kari kambing. Aww... To me that is adorable.Suka hati korang la nak kata he is strange ke apa ke. The thing is, he makes sure that I am properly fed, even up to the very last moment we were spending together. That's nice and sweet of him. And don't go making him look and sound creepy.
Anyway, then he sent me back to the school. He told me that he didn't buy me that sack, because he's got three bags in the trunk instead for me to choose from. He opened the trunk and I just picked the huge green luggage. He just looked at me and my selection. I asked him if he bought it on one of his Mecca trips. Somehow the arab words in the tiny sticker just made me wanna say Mecca. And he asked me how I knew. Oh it was the sticker, I said, and he went back into his car, I opened the front passenger side door, leaned in and salam and kissed his hand and said goodbye.
There was plenty of time to pack up my things and plenty of room too with more than enough left for my friends to tumpang the bag and also the netball ball and bibs too. I realized it was a Samsonite. Patutla beg tu nampak menarik je. Hahaha... but it's mine now. He said so. So while the rest of the team went to get some lunch at the cafeteria we never knew was there, I laid in the bed looking at the videos we made earlier in the morning while waiting to get downstairs.
Barang-barang semua dah bawa turun kecuali my last luggage and back pack. Tunggu, tunggu. Dah kul 11.30 I went turned off the lights and fan and went to sit at the top of the stairs where I would be able to see the bus when it comes around.
When it did, my team members belum lagi turun from the cafeteria. I ended up lifting all their bags and mine into the bus after calling them on my cellphone to get their asses on the bus or else. Oddly, after all that heavy lifting, my spirits were still very much high up in the air. Usually, I would be stark raving mad because I hate having to do things for other people unnecessarily. But since I love my girls so much, I'll excuse their tardiness this time. And because I was still all dreamy over N and the fun we had all morning.
The trip back was crazy. We left Kuching at 12 and we reached Miri at 6am the next day. The driver is crazy, I tell you. Just pee stops, no shower. I had my videos and photos on my camera, so I was fine.
In Limbang, we were dropped off at the penjara and then Hajjah and I stopped by Kyah's palce for some durian fix. It was great. There was plenty and I ate with such glee.
Then it was time to go home, not after some sup tulang for a late lunch at a restaurant in Limbang.
Sampai Lawas... I realized forgot to call my landlady to tell her I was coming home. I didn't think it was a big problem because it was Monday and they have a business to run. I was wrong. It was the school break, of course they would be off gallivanting somewhere with their kids! Bodo la aku!
I called them and true enough, they were just leaving KK and in Papar at that moment. Matila aku kena tunggu. I asked Hajjah Kyah to join me for lepak and tea at the wharf and then when it was time to leave, I went to the riverside and lepak there alone. Then it got so boring, I went to the gas station, filled up and drove to Punang. There, I sat in the car, in the dark and attempted to play the games on the cellphone. I sucked. Then my phone rang and it was my landlady telling me that she was home. I drove back and unpacked my car.
Wanted to do my laundry, but there was no water. Geram betul. So what else is there to do other than update my blog.
It's 3 am and I am still here writing, because I don't wanna do it when I have forgotten most of the details.
I'll post photos tomorrow. Oh... we're going to Jerudong Park on Thursday. Is that awesome or what?
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
my love, N
I just wish he would Google my blog entry and actually find this blog, and read things I wrote in here, so at least I would have a safe medium to communicate with him.
I guess if he did that, him being him, he would have just disappeared for real. He wants everything to be a secret. Why? Is it because he has a reputation to keep up?
I don't need him to tell the world. I don't need him to tell anyone about us. I am fine about him wanting to keep things low-key. OK. But I keep wondering why is he doing that. My demons keep asking me, really... Am I that dirty of a thing that he has to keep everything away from the world?
But then I always come back to myself. There is nothing to tell anyone about. I am not even sure what we are anymore. And I have stopped having any kind of hope or expectation. In fact, I think it will be better for him to just disappear. Not that I have given up on him. I just think that he is suffering a lot because of me. I am not the person he wants me to be. I don't even want to pretend to be that person, because how long can I do that? And that would be unfair, cuz that would mean that I am lying to him about who I really am. No, I don't have many boyfriends. While I am no angel and I do admit that I am a pain, there are just some things about me that makes me insufferable. I don't think he knows what he is getting himself into.
Besides, I am still wondering why do some people see this "renewing one's love" as something romantic? That's insulting. Why do you need to renew love, of all things? Shouldn't it grow day by day? Shouldn't it grow firm roots in what two people have built that all it can do is grow deeper roots, and higher-reaching buds?
Maybe that's hard to do, given the circumstances. Maybe it's just hard to do. Maybe it is just hard when you try to do it with me.
But my love for him never had an expiry date. I want it to grow. I want it to thrive. But every time I slipped, he just left me sprawling on the ground and kept on walking.
I thought when two people are so incompatible, they can still make it work, by making extra effort.
He is quiet and reserved, I am loud and brash.
He is an introvert, I am an extrovert.
He is gentle and calculating, I am rough and always have the foot in mouth disease.
He's smart, I'm not.
He's closed to the world, I'm open to the world.
He runs and hide, I make a stand and fight.
He sweeps things under the rug, I'd rather make war and have make up s*x afterwards. Uiseh!
But you know what I mean. It is the way I was brought up and the genetics I was bestowed upon. And I am going to be 31, in 2 weeks. How on earth could he expect me to make that huge change for him? I never asked him to change for me. Besides, if I do make the effort to make a change, I would like to know that I am doing it for something worthy of such sacrifice. A year-long absence over a stupid misunderstanding is not something I see as worthy of my devotion and sacrifice. For those who agree with me, raise your hands. *snigger* *snigger*
Even if he does read this, he will only misunderstand my motives in posting these things on the internet.
Unlike him, I need to talk things out. Not to everyone. But to someone whom I can trust not to share how I feel with the world. While this is not exactly keeping a secret safe, at least I am not telling it to anyone I know, well other than the three whom I know reads this from time to time; J, who is my bestest best friend, W, my sister dunia akhirat, and Bella Donna si cumil mungil tue and... oh, I'll stop there. I only have three readers, really. This is safe with them, I solemnly swear. About the others? I am not too worried about them, because they don't know me. I am not a celebrity. A secret is only worth a lot when you can use it against that person whose secret belongs to. And since I am not in their circle of friends, I don't see why perfect strangers have the need to use anything I have written in here against me. Oh, yes, I know sometimes there are people who'd find this link by googling certain words, decide to drop by in here to waste time reading my nonsense. But that's the thing, why would anyone want to read nonsense and waste more time finding out who this nonsensical person is? Having a lot of time in one's hands does have its disadvantages.
So, if N does Google my blog entry that I e-mailed to him the other day and found this blog and reads these things and gets all scared and again, decide to head for the hills, it's up to him... I don't hate him for doing that. I am just tired of giving him the so-called space he hinted that he needs, the time he needs to be away from me, the patience and faith he's asked me to have for this thing we are having. That's another thing, I am in the state of perpetual waiting for... what?
No, I am not in a rush to start anything new with anyone. But that does not make it OK to put me on hold for as long as he finds convenient. Why am I waiting? What am I waiting for?
It's a vicious cycle. I wait so that he would have the peace of mind. Be by himself. But at the same time, I hate being in that state. Waiting. Waiting for the bus that is not coming.
Can't he see? I don't really mind if the bus is not coming. I can just take a taxi or walk. I need to release myself from this state of mind so that my life can get back on its track. Those things I have been doing at work and off work did distract me, but at the end of the day, in bed about to fall asleep, there is nothing I would be thinking about, but him and the possibility that he is in fact is just taking me on a ride. That's no doubt the cruelest thing I can say about him. But that's me. I'd rather provoke someone so that he would prove me wrong. And if it is not true then, what is there for him to worry about? Just tell me I am wrong and he does not appreciate me accusing him of things that is not true. But the thing is, everything I have thought about and written in here has pointed me to that conclusion. And I have begun to think that he realized that he has got himself in a sticky situation with me and doesn't know how to out of it.
Entahlah...
It's true that I like making assumptions. Especially when I am upset and mad over something. I get hysterically mad sometimes. But those assumptions are made to be proven wrong. It is not a final take. It is something I do so that I have somewhere to start when I think about the course of action to take. And there would usually be many assumptions to accommodate the one same situation. I would usually entertain the most obvious or maybe we can say the most improbable because that is usually where the fun is. All there is to do, is deny it and present your arguments to support your denial. Is that so hard to do? Then we can all go out for frozen yogurt. Not hide and cry and hope it will disappear. Cuz it won't. I would go on and on bitching about it, stop when I am tired and then use it against you the next time we fight. Oh yes, haven't you noticed that I am also very vindictive? He should try helping me in that area instead of burying his head in the sand. No, giving me self-help books that I don't bother reading does not cut it.
I do read those books he gave me. But just so I feel vindicated, I can always say I don't, right?
How do I make this work? Keep quiet and wait? It's been a year, last June. Our first anniversary of being apart, really. It would be a year since I last saw him come September. He said he'd be visiting me sooner than he thought, last June. It's August now. What kind of person does he expect me to be? A stupid bimbo whom he can tucked away in a box in a dark corner somewhere and take me out whenever he feels like he needs a toy when he visits this side of the world and tuck me in the box again before he leaves, expecting me to stay all shiny and new the next time he visits? All the while, smiling and thankful that he chose me to play with?
Do I look like that person?
Walking away, is easy. Where is the challenge in that? Don't you think I have thought about that many times before? Even now. Don't you think the people in my life have told me to do the same thing? I think it would be best for the both of us too. But as I said, that is the easiest thing to do. What is there to tell my grandchildren when I am old, on how I remained steadfast and held on to the faith that he would one day come to his senses and make up for lost time.
Come on, it sounds like wishful thinking, but let's call it having faith in a confused man who is fundamentally good. Oh, stop laughing already!
Challenges are created to make life more worthwhile. Without it, I don't see why I should be here, breathing the fresh air of God's green earth.
Gosh, how long had I gone on rambling about him? He means that much to me. That much. I just wish he knew.
And I wish I could tell him. Why I left J in favor of him. If it would make things any better, J was a sick man when I was with him that last time. He was having some difficulty with his health, yes, but that does not debilitate him. I was referring to his mental health. He is not a nut. A mad man, a psycho. He is just a kinky sicko kind of guy. I don't want that life with anyone. I am not built for that kind of thing, I have never considered it as a lifestyle of choice nor do I believe that anyone can condition me into liking or wanting those kinds of things. I don't think J is a bad person. He is wise and we have always talked about everything, my problems and his. And although we do fight incessantly, it worked for us. I just don't want that lifestyle. It is too strange and sick for that kampung girl in me.
N was safe. I don't know about him being boring. But I think his calm and collected personality will give me the serenity and peace of mind to be a more organized and relaxed person. That's the fundamental reason why I left J for N. And call me whatever you want, but J is also happily married with three beautiful boys. I have no way of explaining it. But all I wanted to be was a shoulder to cry on. It's strange how proximity and other circumstances pulls people together and leads people to make a very big mess of their lives.
I love N. I wish he knows that. And if he really does love me still, he should not be afraid of me and my brazen way of handling my life issues. That's how I learned from my mother and I do not know of other ways of doing it.
I think I better stop here and start packing my things.
I guess if he did that, him being him, he would have just disappeared for real. He wants everything to be a secret. Why? Is it because he has a reputation to keep up?
I don't need him to tell the world. I don't need him to tell anyone about us. I am fine about him wanting to keep things low-key. OK. But I keep wondering why is he doing that. My demons keep asking me, really... Am I that dirty of a thing that he has to keep everything away from the world?
But then I always come back to myself. There is nothing to tell anyone about. I am not even sure what we are anymore. And I have stopped having any kind of hope or expectation. In fact, I think it will be better for him to just disappear. Not that I have given up on him. I just think that he is suffering a lot because of me. I am not the person he wants me to be. I don't even want to pretend to be that person, because how long can I do that? And that would be unfair, cuz that would mean that I am lying to him about who I really am. No, I don't have many boyfriends. While I am no angel and I do admit that I am a pain, there are just some things about me that makes me insufferable. I don't think he knows what he is getting himself into.
Besides, I am still wondering why do some people see this "renewing one's love" as something romantic? That's insulting. Why do you need to renew love, of all things? Shouldn't it grow day by day? Shouldn't it grow firm roots in what two people have built that all it can do is grow deeper roots, and higher-reaching buds?
Maybe that's hard to do, given the circumstances. Maybe it's just hard to do. Maybe it is just hard when you try to do it with me.
But my love for him never had an expiry date. I want it to grow. I want it to thrive. But every time I slipped, he just left me sprawling on the ground and kept on walking.
I thought when two people are so incompatible, they can still make it work, by making extra effort.
He is quiet and reserved, I am loud and brash.
He is an introvert, I am an extrovert.
He is gentle and calculating, I am rough and always have the foot in mouth disease.
He's smart, I'm not.
He's closed to the world, I'm open to the world.
He runs and hide, I make a stand and fight.
He sweeps things under the rug, I'd rather make war and have make up s*x afterwards. Uiseh!
But you know what I mean. It is the way I was brought up and the genetics I was bestowed upon. And I am going to be 31, in 2 weeks. How on earth could he expect me to make that huge change for him? I never asked him to change for me. Besides, if I do make the effort to make a change, I would like to know that I am doing it for something worthy of such sacrifice. A year-long absence over a stupid misunderstanding is not something I see as worthy of my devotion and sacrifice. For those who agree with me, raise your hands. *snigger* *snigger*
Even if he does read this, he will only misunderstand my motives in posting these things on the internet.
Unlike him, I need to talk things out. Not to everyone. But to someone whom I can trust not to share how I feel with the world. While this is not exactly keeping a secret safe, at least I am not telling it to anyone I know, well other than the three whom I know reads this from time to time; J, who is my bestest best friend, W, my sister dunia akhirat, and Bella Donna si cumil mungil tue and... oh, I'll stop there. I only have three readers, really. This is safe with them, I solemnly swear. About the others? I am not too worried about them, because they don't know me. I am not a celebrity. A secret is only worth a lot when you can use it against that person whose secret belongs to. And since I am not in their circle of friends, I don't see why perfect strangers have the need to use anything I have written in here against me. Oh, yes, I know sometimes there are people who'd find this link by googling certain words, decide to drop by in here to waste time reading my nonsense. But that's the thing, why would anyone want to read nonsense and waste more time finding out who this nonsensical person is? Having a lot of time in one's hands does have its disadvantages.
So, if N does Google my blog entry that I e-mailed to him the other day and found this blog and reads these things and gets all scared and again, decide to head for the hills, it's up to him... I don't hate him for doing that. I am just tired of giving him the so-called space he hinted that he needs, the time he needs to be away from me, the patience and faith he's asked me to have for this thing we are having. That's another thing, I am in the state of perpetual waiting for... what?
No, I am not in a rush to start anything new with anyone. But that does not make it OK to put me on hold for as long as he finds convenient. Why am I waiting? What am I waiting for?
It's a vicious cycle. I wait so that he would have the peace of mind. Be by himself. But at the same time, I hate being in that state. Waiting. Waiting for the bus that is not coming.
Can't he see? I don't really mind if the bus is not coming. I can just take a taxi or walk. I need to release myself from this state of mind so that my life can get back on its track. Those things I have been doing at work and off work did distract me, but at the end of the day, in bed about to fall asleep, there is nothing I would be thinking about, but him and the possibility that he is in fact is just taking me on a ride. That's no doubt the cruelest thing I can say about him. But that's me. I'd rather provoke someone so that he would prove me wrong. And if it is not true then, what is there for him to worry about? Just tell me I am wrong and he does not appreciate me accusing him of things that is not true. But the thing is, everything I have thought about and written in here has pointed me to that conclusion. And I have begun to think that he realized that he has got himself in a sticky situation with me and doesn't know how to out of it.
Entahlah...
It's true that I like making assumptions. Especially when I am upset and mad over something. I get hysterically mad sometimes. But those assumptions are made to be proven wrong. It is not a final take. It is something I do so that I have somewhere to start when I think about the course of action to take. And there would usually be many assumptions to accommodate the one same situation. I would usually entertain the most obvious or maybe we can say the most improbable because that is usually where the fun is. All there is to do, is deny it and present your arguments to support your denial. Is that so hard to do? Then we can all go out for frozen yogurt. Not hide and cry and hope it will disappear. Cuz it won't. I would go on and on bitching about it, stop when I am tired and then use it against you the next time we fight. Oh yes, haven't you noticed that I am also very vindictive? He should try helping me in that area instead of burying his head in the sand. No, giving me self-help books that I don't bother reading does not cut it.
I do read those books he gave me. But just so I feel vindicated, I can always say I don't, right?
How do I make this work? Keep quiet and wait? It's been a year, last June. Our first anniversary of being apart, really. It would be a year since I last saw him come September. He said he'd be visiting me sooner than he thought, last June. It's August now. What kind of person does he expect me to be? A stupid bimbo whom he can tucked away in a box in a dark corner somewhere and take me out whenever he feels like he needs a toy when he visits this side of the world and tuck me in the box again before he leaves, expecting me to stay all shiny and new the next time he visits? All the while, smiling and thankful that he chose me to play with?
Do I look like that person?
Walking away, is easy. Where is the challenge in that? Don't you think I have thought about that many times before? Even now. Don't you think the people in my life have told me to do the same thing? I think it would be best for the both of us too. But as I said, that is the easiest thing to do. What is there to tell my grandchildren when I am old, on how I remained steadfast and held on to the faith that he would one day come to his senses and make up for lost time.
Come on, it sounds like wishful thinking, but let's call it having faith in a confused man who is fundamentally good. Oh, stop laughing already!
Challenges are created to make life more worthwhile. Without it, I don't see why I should be here, breathing the fresh air of God's green earth.
Gosh, how long had I gone on rambling about him? He means that much to me. That much. I just wish he knew.
And I wish I could tell him. Why I left J in favor of him. If it would make things any better, J was a sick man when I was with him that last time. He was having some difficulty with his health, yes, but that does not debilitate him. I was referring to his mental health. He is not a nut. A mad man, a psycho. He is just a kinky sicko kind of guy. I don't want that life with anyone. I am not built for that kind of thing, I have never considered it as a lifestyle of choice nor do I believe that anyone can condition me into liking or wanting those kinds of things. I don't think J is a bad person. He is wise and we have always talked about everything, my problems and his. And although we do fight incessantly, it worked for us. I just don't want that lifestyle. It is too strange and sick for that kampung girl in me.
N was safe. I don't know about him being boring. But I think his calm and collected personality will give me the serenity and peace of mind to be a more organized and relaxed person. That's the fundamental reason why I left J for N. And call me whatever you want, but J is also happily married with three beautiful boys. I have no way of explaining it. But all I wanted to be was a shoulder to cry on. It's strange how proximity and other circumstances pulls people together and leads people to make a very big mess of their lives.
I love N. I wish he knows that. And if he really does love me still, he should not be afraid of me and my brazen way of handling my life issues. That's how I learned from my mother and I do not know of other ways of doing it.
I think I better stop here and start packing my things.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)