my love, N

I just wish he would Google my blog entry and actually find this blog, and read things I wrote in here, so at least I would have a safe medium to communicate with him.

I guess if he did that, him being him, he would have just disappeared for real. He wants everything to be a secret. Why? Is it because he has a reputation to keep up?

I don't need him to tell the world. I don't need him to tell anyone about us. I am fine about him wanting to keep things low-key. OK. But I keep wondering why is he doing that. My demons keep asking me, really... Am I that dirty of a thing that he has to keep everything away from the world?

But then I always come back to myself. There is nothing to tell anyone about. I am not even sure what we are anymore. And I have stopped having any kind of hope or expectation. In fact, I think it will be better for him to just disappear. Not that I have given up on him. I just think that he is suffering a lot because of me. I am not the person he wants me to be. I don't even want to pretend to be that person, because how long can I do that? And that would be unfair, cuz that would mean that I am lying to him about who I really am. No, I don't have many boyfriends. While I am no angel and I do admit that I am a pain, there are just some things about me that makes me insufferable. I don't think he knows what he is getting himself into.

Besides, I am still wondering why do some people see this "renewing one's love" as something romantic? That's insulting. Why do you need to renew love, of all things? Shouldn't it grow day by day? Shouldn't it grow firm roots in what two people have built that all it can do is grow deeper roots, and higher-reaching buds?

Maybe that's hard to do, given the circumstances. Maybe it's just hard to do. Maybe it is just hard when you try to do it with me.

But my love for him never had an expiry date. I want it to grow. I want it to thrive. But every time I slipped, he just left me sprawling on the ground and kept on walking.

I thought when two people are so incompatible, they can still make it work, by making extra effort.

He is quiet and reserved, I am loud and brash.
He is an introvert, I am an extrovert.
He is gentle and calculating, I am rough and always have the foot in mouth disease.
He's smart, I'm not.
He's closed to the world, I'm open to the world.
He runs and hide, I make a stand and fight.
He sweeps things under the rug, I'd rather make war and have make up s*x afterwards. Uiseh!

But you know what I mean. It is the way I was brought up and the genetics I was bestowed upon. And I am going to be 31, in 2 weeks. How on earth could he expect me to make that huge change for him? I never asked him to change for me. Besides, if I do make the effort to make a change, I would like to know that I am doing it for something worthy of such sacrifice. A year-long absence over a stupid misunderstanding is not something I see as worthy of my devotion and sacrifice. For those who agree with me, raise your hands. *snigger* *snigger*

Even if he does read this, he will only misunderstand my motives in posting these things on the internet.

Unlike him, I need to talk things out. Not to everyone. But to someone whom I can trust not to share how I feel with the world. While this is not exactly keeping a secret safe, at least I am not telling it to anyone I know, well other than the three whom I know reads this from time to time; J, who is my bestest best friend, W, my sister dunia akhirat, and Bella Donna si cumil mungil tue and... oh, I'll stop there. I only have three readers, really. This is safe with them, I solemnly swear. About the others? I am not too worried about them, because they don't know me. I am not a celebrity. A secret is only worth a lot when you can use it against that person whose secret belongs to. And since I am not in their circle of friends, I don't see why perfect strangers have the need to use anything I have written in here against me. Oh, yes, I know sometimes there are people who'd find this link by googling certain words, decide to drop by in here to waste time reading my nonsense. But that's the thing, why would anyone want to read nonsense and waste more time finding out who this nonsensical person is? Having a lot of time in one's hands does have its disadvantages.

So, if N does Google my blog entry that I e-mailed to him the other day and found this blog and reads these things and gets all scared and again, decide to head for the hills, it's up to him... I don't hate him for doing that. I am just tired of giving him the so-called space he hinted that he needs, the time he needs to be away from me, the patience and faith he's asked me to have for this thing we are having. That's another thing, I am in the state of perpetual waiting for... what?

No, I am not in a rush to start anything new with anyone. But that does not make it OK to put me on hold for as long as he finds convenient. Why am I waiting? What am I waiting for?

It's a vicious cycle. I wait so that he would have the peace of mind. Be by himself. But at the same time, I hate being in that state. Waiting. Waiting for the bus that is not coming.

Can't he see? I don't really mind if the bus is not coming. I can just take a taxi or walk. I need to release myself from this state of mind so that my life can get back on its track. Those things I have been doing at work and off work did distract me, but at the end of the day, in bed about to fall asleep, there is nothing I would be thinking about, but him and the possibility that he is in fact is just taking me on a ride. That's no doubt the cruelest thing I can say about him. But that's me. I'd rather provoke someone so that he would prove me wrong. And if it is not true then, what is there for him to worry about? Just tell me I am wrong and he does not appreciate me accusing him of things that is not true. But the thing is, everything I have thought about and written in here has pointed me to that conclusion. And I have begun to think that he realized that he has got himself in a sticky situation with me and doesn't know how to out of it.

Entahlah...

It's true that I like making assumptions. Especially when I am upset and mad over something. I get hysterically mad sometimes. But those assumptions are made to be proven wrong. It is not a final take. It is something I do so that I have somewhere to start when I think about the course of action to take. And there would usually be many assumptions to accommodate the one same situation. I would usually entertain the most obvious or maybe we can say the most improbable because that is usually where the fun is. All there is to do, is deny it and present your arguments to support your denial. Is that so hard to do? Then we can all go out for frozen yogurt. Not hide and cry and hope it will disappear. Cuz it won't. I would go on and on bitching about it, stop when I am tired and then use it against you the next time we fight. Oh yes, haven't you noticed that I am also very vindictive? He should try helping me in that area instead of burying his head in the sand. No, giving me self-help books that I don't bother reading does not cut it.

I do read those books he gave me. But just so I feel vindicated, I can always say I don't, right?

How do I make this work? Keep quiet and wait? It's been a year, last June. Our first anniversary of being apart, really. It would be a year since I last saw him come September. He said he'd be visiting me sooner than he thought, last June. It's August now. What kind of person does he expect me to be? A stupid bimbo whom he can tucked away in a box in a dark corner somewhere and take me out whenever he feels like he needs a toy when he visits this side of the world and tuck me in the box again before he leaves, expecting me to stay all shiny and new the next time he visits? All the while, smiling and thankful that he chose me to play with?

Do I look like that person?

Walking away, is easy. Where is the challenge in that? Don't you think I have thought about that many times before? Even now. Don't you think the people in my life have told me to do the same thing? I think it would be best for the both of us too. But as I said, that is the easiest thing to do. What is there to tell my grandchildren when I am old, on how I remained steadfast and held on to the faith that he would one day come to his senses and make up for lost time.

Come on, it sounds like wishful thinking, but let's call it having faith in a confused man who is fundamentally good. Oh, stop laughing already!

Challenges are created to make life more worthwhile. Without it, I don't see why I should be here, breathing the fresh air of God's green earth.

Gosh, how long had I gone on rambling about him? He means that much to me. That much. I just wish he knew.

And I wish I could tell him. Why I left J in favor of him. If it would make things any better, J was a sick man when I was with him that last time. He was having some difficulty with his health, yes, but that does not debilitate him. I was referring to his mental health. He is not a nut. A mad man, a psycho. He is just a kinky sicko kind of guy. I don't want that life with anyone. I am not built for that kind of thing, I have never considered it as a lifestyle of choice nor do I believe that anyone can condition me into liking or wanting those kinds of things. I don't think J is a bad person. He is wise and we have always talked about everything, my problems and his. And although we do fight incessantly, it worked for us. I just don't want that lifestyle. It is too strange and sick for that kampung girl in me.

N was safe. I don't know about him being boring. But I think his calm and collected personality will give me the serenity and peace of mind to be a more organized and relaxed person. That's the fundamental reason why I left J for N. And call me whatever you want, but J is also happily married with three beautiful boys. I have no way of explaining it. But all I wanted to be was a shoulder to cry on. It's strange how proximity and other circumstances pulls people together and leads people to make a very big mess of their lives.

I love N. I wish he knows that. And if he really does love me still, he should not be afraid of me and my brazen way of handling my life issues. That's how I learned from my mother and I do not know of other ways of doing it.

I think I better stop here and start packing my things.