Tuesday, August 7, 2007

nanges

Pernah tak anyone of you feel like, no matter how hard you try, you are still useless?

Hari ni aku rasa macam tu.

Malam tadi, tak pergi isi minyak kereta, so aku lambat sampai sekolah hari ni. Mana ada gas station 24 hours kat sini? Kalau dia bukak 6.40 pagi tu dah awal abis la tu. So, aku sampai sekolah kul 7.05. Lewat nak mampus la tu. Seingat aku dalam sejarah aku kat sekolah ni aku tak pernah lewat macam tu sekali just because nak isi minyak punya pasal. Tapi I knew I was going to be late, so I had called my boss earlier telling him that I would be late because of that. Lagipun bagus juga aku nak test my prefects kat sekolah tu, kalau mereka mampu buat kerja mengurus perhimpunan tu kalau takde mulut aku yang macam petir ni nak ajar mereka every step of the way every week. Hari tu aku dah kasi basuh mereka pun sebab kasi malu company every week. Alhamdulillah, mereka nampak lebih proaktif lepas kena marah dengan aku dan aku briefing mereka masa mesyuarat prefects. Just goes to show that mereka sebenarnya mampu buat kerja. Aku je yang tak cukup tegas dalam menangani guru-guru pengawasku, oleh itu ianya will reflect on me. Tapi nampaknya pagi tadi Pengetua puas hati dengan performance mereka minggu ini, siap puji kat assembly lagi.

Orang tengah berhimpun kat lapangan tu aku baru park kereta. Malu dan kesian kat Z sebab dia yang tumpang aku pun lewat sekali. Siap pulak Z tak rapatkan pintu kereta, dan bila aku picit alarm kereta tu berbunyi. Adoi... lagi nak buat inconspicuous, terus jadi popular pulak. Takpelah, dah lewat tu, akui kesalahan dan jangan buat lagi la kan? Lagipun pihak sekolah dah tahu yang aku takkan sengaja lengah-lengah pergi kerja.

Hari ni aku takde kelas nak mengajar. Just satu period, luar sidang, right after school. The day before, aku dah keluarkan jadual penggambaran untuk semua warga sekolah. Aku bercadang nak habiskan menggambar semua orang hari ni dan esok. Pagi tadi aku managed habiskan semua kelas, semua persatuan dan kelab, semua pengawas sekolah dan asrama, semua bekas pengawas (sebab tahun lepas tak buat magazine sekolah, kesian lak kat mereka) and semua senior Form 5. Aku target habis sampai senior kelas akhir, tapi sebab schedule aku dah set jam 8.00 pagi tadi tapi ada parent datang atas sebab surat panggilan dari aku dan ketua warden, so terpaksa aku lambatkan waktu bermulanya. Aku start kul 8.30pagi.

Kenapa aku yang sibuk ambil gambar ni? Bukan tugas aku. Tapi aku minat. Dan aku ada digital camera. Lagipun budak-budak ni tak dengar cakap orang sebaik mereka dengar cakap sesetengah cikgu kat sekolah ini dan terutama sekali aku (riak kah aku?) tapi itulah hakikatnya. So lebih baik aku yang buat daripada aku asyik arah orang tapi tak tentu hujung ke pangkalnya dan benda ni tak siap-siap. Lagipun aku kan ketua penerbitan majalah sekolah. I better do it.

Esok aku nak ambik foto cikgu-cikgu baru dan yang tercicir dari sesi lepas, dan makcik-makcik tukang masak juga!

Tadi balik, aku hantar Z pergi ambil gambar. Dia nak pos kat tunang dia sebab tunang dia nak isi borang nikah. Then aku hantar dia ke Pejabat Pos. Then aku hantar dia balik. Then aku keluar balik. Aku pergi workshop untuk baiki tutup lubang minyak kereta aku, dah seminggu rosak, sebab aku dah hampir bawak balik nozzle minyak tu sebab aku ingat dia pump attendant tu dah siap isi minyak kereta aku, bila dia mintak duit. What was I thinking about sampai leka begitu? Dah la menda tu senget tak leh nak masuk rapat semula. C cakap, kalau budak khianat, dia bukak kasi masuk pasir, naya la aku. Tapi alhamdulillah, mereka tak perasan. Yang nampak pun, siap tolong tekan-tekan kasi rapat lagi. Tadi repair sikit je terus OK balik cam biasa. Then aku suruh dia cabutkan serpihan skirting kereta aku yang masih terscrew erat kat kereta aku lepas insiden skirting makan jalan dua bulan lepas sampai tercabut terus the lower part tu! Seram aku. Tapi aku tetap berlakon selamba. Sebenarnya aku dah lama nak buang skirting tu sebab menyusahkan. Jalan kat kampung ni ada parts yang macam kubang kerbau, especially now that they are menaitaraf jalan in some parts. Kalau hujan lebat the night before, memang la kereta aku tu jadi 4WD walaupun dia hanya sebuah sedan yang uzur. Dan, kereta aku ni dah rupa cam 4WD keluar dari Ba'Kelalan. Comot yarabbi! Tapi kat carwash, takde electric, so water jet tak dapat guna. Orang tu tunjuk kat aku air kuar dari hos cam kencing kucing je. Aku rasa baik la aku buat benda lain dari melangut kat carwash tu, menunggu turn.

Apa? Cuci kereta sendiri kat umah? Er... apa makna tu? Tak paham la. *berlakon tak faham*.

Bila balik umah, aku tengok C and Z ada kat ruang tamu. Selalunya Z akan meluru naik ke bilik. Bukan apa, dia suka sendirian, lagipun dia suka colling colling dengan tunang dia. So, lebih senang kalau dia di bilik je. Untuk privacy, kan? C would usually be working on her computer ke apa ke. Lain je mereka petang tadi. Aku pun sidai la baju aku yang dalam bakul tu. Aku terlupa nak sidai. Sambil tu aku dengar je la apa yang mereka cakap.

Rupanya C nak pindah rumah.

...

Aku tak terkejut actually. Lately pun dia muram je. Aku rasa marah kat aku kot? Sebab aku kena sindrom pemalas lately. I guess dia dah tak sanggup lagi tinggal with me? I guess.

I know I am insufferable. Aku tanya adik aku, dia kata tak. Aku tanya kawan rapat, maybe dia pun takut kena kunyah sampai mati kot? Pun kata tak. Ye lah, takkan kalau aku tanya dia terus luahkan segala-malanya tentang kebencian dia terhadap aku?

Well, it is safe for me to surmise, since that I know myself better than the rest of the world, that I am in fact, insufferable. Ha, Bella, ni baru betul membuka pekung di dada.

Why did I say that? Sebab bulan lepas, sorang housemate aku pindah ke rumah selang 4 pintu from here. Erm... sebab? Banyak sebab. Tapi sampai pindah umah tu, takkan tak cukup serious lagi kan? Dia cakap pun dengan secara casual je masa selisih atas tangga. Aku pun kalau orang dah buat camtu, I will not say anything. Sebab dah dewasa, so pandai la buat keputusan sendiri. I do think she would be happier at the new place anyway sebab orang-orangnya semua very patient and forgiving and almost angelically perfect, unlike me. No, that is not jealousy. It is a fact. Like I said, I do think that she would be better off living with them, instead of staying with me and being miserable.

The biggest misconception people have of me is that I am nice. I'm not.

Sure, I wave at every pakcik van yang sudi wave at me when we past each other on the road. Siap angkat-angkat lampu lagi. I would be great fun when we go shopping, cuz I have all these silly ideas and I do have this knack with uplifting other people's spirit and self-esteem. I am adventurous when it comes to making a trip into the unknown. I tak takut balik lewat-lewat malam, driving dari KK. 10.00 malam baru sampai umah ini. I agree itu bukan berani namanya. It is called being foolhardy. But I have faith in God. And I believe in my mother's constant prayer for my safety. And when I am in town, I just realized semenjak I stopped going everywhere alone, semenjak ada housemates, that people still wave and say hi to me when they see me in town. When I sit at a restaurant mana-mana, I would be waving at people here and there, sebab mereka say hi to me. Takkan I tak jawab, kan?

Tapi itu lah, they don't live with me to know what a monster I can be. Well, maybe not a monster. Tapi someone whom you will not like when you learn the truth about that person. You know what I mean?

Itu pasal, kalau ada pilihan, I would rather be alone. Stay alone in this house. Tapi semenjak tinggal di pekan ni, I thought, I should be giving myself a chance with living with other people and learn to live with other people's quirks and not expect people to be as perfect as I would like them to be. So I did.

Dulu OK. It was all laughter and happy moments and fun and sweet memories. Tapi I think lately I have turned into a heartless monster. What is wrong with me?

I do feel sorry for these people. Bukan mereka ni jahat ke apa ke. Tapi lately I just feel like I tak perlu jaga hati orang. Ye ke? Tak.... bukan macam tu.

I have a problem when it comes to saying things heart to heart. It is easier for me to write a letter berjela-jela. Tapi when it comes to saying it out, I'd rather not. I'd rather let the bisul jadi kudis and then jadi pekung. Sampai jadi masalah besar. Sampai dah tak boleh nak repair lagi masalah tu, sampai mereka akan cari jalan keluar sendiri. Bukan aku tak nak berbincang. Tapi kalau aku berbincang, aku akan sama ada mengamuk, hilang punca, hilang hujah, atau aku menangis. Aku tak nak create a scene. So daripada aku make things more complicated, baik aku diam je. I am not making anything better, but at least I am not making anything worse.

Maybe that's what N is feeling when we were having that misunderstanding?

Itu lagi satu kes. Aku tahu sangat aku ni monster. Tak mungkin N sedar apa masalah yang dia akan hadapi bila bersama aku nanti. Jadi aku tak kisah kalau dia dan aku tak menjadi. Biarlah, kalau dia sekadar nak main-main pun. At least he wouldn't know what lurks in the murky depths.

Takkan aku nak bagitau dia aku ni jahat? Biar putus je...

Now, C nak pindah. Dia kata boss dia sindir-sindir kata macam-macam kat sekolah tadi. So dia terpaksa pindah dok dekat dengan sekolah dia. Tapi C dah lama murung. Tak happy macam selalu. I noticed that. Tapi I don't know what to say to make things right. So in the end, I just keep my mouth shut and pretent like everything is okay.

Sampai today, dia kata dia nak pindah. I guess she has had enough...

Well, at least she would save a lot when she stays kat sana. Tak macam kat sini, macam-macam bills dia kena kongsi with us. And she won't have a housemate from hell like me to make her life miserable. She will be more peaceful there.

Kenapa I write this here? Sebab aku tak tau nak tulis kat mana lagi. Nak simpan dalam hati? Aku tak pandai simpan dalam hati. Apa pun semua aku nak cerita. Sebab aku tak boleh simpan. Sebab nanti aku kena Tourette Syndrome. Terjerit sana, terjerit sini. Dan, daripada aku pi bagitau kat kawan-kawan sekerja yang akan jadikan senjata against me, baik la aku bagi tau dunia je terus kan?

C? Dia tak baca blog ni. Dulu ada sekali dua kut. Tapi lepas tu I guess banyak sangat benda merapu, she stopped. Tapi kalau dia baca pun tak salah. Dia tak salah dalam hal ni. Aku yang salah. At least she would know what was going on in my head when she was busy packing her things downstairs.

I went out for dinner with Z. C tak nak ikut. She's busy packing. Dia kata dia nak pindah Khamis ni. Tapi dia packing macam nak pindah esok. That's C. She is always up-to-date with everything. When we came back, she had already gotten her mattress from my room that she keeps folded under my bed in the day time. Nasib baik the landlady kasi single bed. I ak suka kongsi katil with anyone other than my sister. Sebab I suka mengigau and I tak nak ter'terajang' orang atau terpeluk dengan penuh kasih anyone who shares my bed in one of my episodes. Nasib baik C okay about the sleeping arrangement.

I tak tanya pun kalau dia berani tidur in the livingroom sorang-sorang. Dia bukannya berani tidur sorang. Itu pasal she sleeps in my room. I guess she has had enough of me? Kenapa aku tak tanya? Sebab kalau tanya pun takkan dia nak angkut tilam dia naik atas balik? I doubt she would do that anyway.

So, I assume that it is better for me to pretend like nothing is happening?

Aku buntu.

But I guess it is too late already anyway. She is leaving. The least I can do for her is not make her feel guilty about leaving. About what? Tatau...

See? I am better as an entity you pass by in your life, but not as a life companion. I don't deserve to have friends. That's why I keep most people at arm's length, because knowing me, means to hate me.

That's why, I am saying, no matter what I do at work, I still feel useless as a human being.

2 comments:

HannnAmeen said...

Tau tak kenapa aku tiba-tiba je rapat dengan ko dan ita? Padahal aku sekolej dengan noreen, sue cobain, nadz and adude kan? Ko pun tau aku sebilik dgn sue waktu matrikulasi and then dia minta tukar bilik. Aku kecik ati jugak, dan aku tertanya juga kenapa? Dan aku tak pernah tahu apa jawapannya sbb aku tak pernah confront any of them dan aku bawa diri aku. Sejak tu aku jadi loneranger...till I found U n Ita. Thanks for being a friend walaupun tak selalu berbicara, ber'sms' apatah lagi berjumpa. Tapi kalian amat dekat di hatiku.

Anillynnette said...

Actually, I am grateful, walaupun I don't have many many friends,I have a few yang worth having. To me it is about quality and not the quantity.

I may have never said it myself, but as a close friend, I want you to always know that there is never a moment in my life that I was not reminded how lucky I am having to know all these people in my life.

Walaupun kita bukan in the same circle of friends, tapi fate and circumstances had brought us together. Baru betul sahabat sejati macam tu. We didn't pick and choose who we wants to be close to, God brought us together.

So even if I never say, you know me the macho macho type, tapi I am in touch with my emotions, but it still makes it had to say some things out loud...

I know kita jarang jumpa and etc, tapi that doesn't mean we are growing apart. A true friendship withstands anything. Ours is like that.

Glad have to met you. I hope you feel the same way too.