grey area

May I have some cheese? To go with the whine, I mean.

The art of making a man do a woman's bidding is a skill I have yet to master. I am just not ruthless when it comes to men. I think that's because I started dating rather late; 29 is late. No one can say otherwise. And at that age, I have skipped all that game playing and therefore have arrived at a place where all I want is someone who is ready to make the same commitment as I do in a long-term, well more like life-long, relationship.

I don't understand men. I don't know how to work them. I don't like playing games. I'm a failure.

If it is not because of what we call social conventions, I would have been happier being single for the rest of my life, find a sperm donor or two and just spend the rest of my life with a couple of kids and a live-in real-life dildo. (I am so laughing my ass off and rolling on the floor as I write this part)

Gosh... I am in no way saying that I am against the Islamic way of married life. Not at all. I do wish that I can find someone with the same goals in mind and actually be able to commit myself to this. But as I have said before, I am such a failure in this game that I think the best thing for me would be what I have described above. However, saying what I have said does not mean that is the way of life I am planning on pursuing.

I asked this ustaz at school the other day; what if a Muslim woman simply gave up on finding a mate after having done her best? His answer was; if she can keep her urges in check, and not cause herself any harm, there is no sin in her choice of being on her own for the rest of her life. That was a good answer. I hope he didn't just say that to make me happy because at least someone agrees with me in that.

I envy these women who can figure out their men or simply, men in general, and know exactly to make them do their bidding. I really do. But I pity the men who end up with the snakes. While I think it is an art, abusing it is a whole different thing.

Humans have evolved. They have advanced themselves so much, over-analyzed everything that nothing is simple anymore. Everything is f*cking complicated with relationships being at the top of the list.

I'm happy to see how some of my school friends have found their life companion and seem to lead happy and uncomplicated lives together. I don't keep up with them, so I'll never know if they did play that game. You know, that complicated dating games you keep seeing in TV shows like Friends and Sex and the City and especially the latest movie, He's Just Not That Into You. Nor am I interested in knowing.

As far as I have gone in my life and realized a lot of things, and overanalyzed most things in life, sometimes, I do wish that I could go back to being an untainted innocent; whose mind never even thought about going beyind the Barbie girl image; be happy and the world will be happy with you. So I tried remembering when did I start being so complicated... I can't. I don't remember seeing everything in a simpler light. Everything started being complicated from such an early age. Of course, I even started thinking about relationships when I was in primary school. I had a mental list of how he should be even from then. I carried that list with me, somewhere at the back of my mind from that time. I never acted on it, simply because the kind of man I had envisioned to be my life-long partner was way older than my school mates and far more successful and calm and mature and ... just everything they are not.

Being a total slob of a tomboy did not help matters at all. Being a late bloomer just made it worse. Being labelled a lesbian at that age just sent me to hell. When I came back, I was less than normal. I blame everything on myself and doomed myself to a life alone. Which I find appealing most of the time, seeing how complicated this whole dating thing is.

So, was it my fault for not playing that game these highly evolved people play when they are dating? Was it my fault, not playing hard to get when it first bloomed? Or is it just him, being old and tired of the game himself that he became comfortable and complacent?

Is it too much of me if I decide that as much as you want to teach me new tricks, you should learn a few new ones from me too? I don't think so. But he seems to think so.

Perhaps it is unfair to say these things here before discussing any of it with him, but we don't talk. Not about work, especially not about us. Hey, I feel like Men@ Suv@ri in that movie with J@son Biggs, where she was in this relationship with her professor (ho was obviously taking advantage of her) just to realize it later on and finally accepting this relationship with the younger guy, because he truly does love her. I feel like that. Except the part where there is a younger guy waiting in the sidelines. I don't have that younger guy waiting in the sidelines.

I once told someone that rather than pining for someone we are so much in love with but does not feel the same about us, we should just ditch that loser and be with the person who is madly in love with us, even if we don't feel 100% about that guy (I mean the mutual attraction he has for you) because in the end, the feelings will come and it will be all much more worth it. I strongly believe in that, but that's for young and cute girls. Not someone my age.

Is there still hope for me? I am hopeful although I can't promise that that came out of my endless and brimming optimism. Why am I hopeful anyway? I don't know. I am just hopeful because I believe that everyone is made for someone and I haven't met mine yet. One day, after all the sh*t in my life is sorted out, I will be ready to settle down, but I'm not ready to settle. I don't think I am asking too much. Just someone old enough and calm enough to handle the fire within.

I am not gonna bother reading this again before I hit the Publish button. Maybe I will come back later to correct the grammar later, but rereading it now, will only make me change my mind. Anyway, I don't mean to whine. I am just writing down what I have in mind about this whole thing.

And why am I going on with this charade of happiness with him instead of just putting out the tiny flame between my thumb and forefinger? I am not sure if it is desperation on my part or pity, because he has been nothing but nice to me, and I don't see why I should break it to him the way I had pictured in my mind a million times. I just don't see why I should do that to him. I don't see him necessarily hurting me on purpose, he's old, busy and tired of it all. Besides, I don't have someone else waiting for me.

It's not something that is easy for me to explain. Don't judge me unless you have ever found yourself in my situation and found it a pleasant experience to just tell someone off when he's been nothing but nice to you.

I used to be an idealist. There is black, there is white, there is no grey. It took me a long while to realize that most of the issues we have to deal with in life lies in the grey. You like something, you stay, you don't, you walk away.

He definitely lies in the grey.

Notice that I am not asking what I should do because I know what it is I should do.


p/s : Please don't look at this entry as me pitying myself. I am trying to be pragmatic about the whole thing, so bear with me, okay?