AS THE NEW YEAR DAWNS, MAY IT BRING WITH IT PROMISES OF NEW DREAMS TO FULFILL,NEW GOALS TO REACH AND NEW JOYS TO DISCOVER FOR ONE AND ALL.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
happy new year
AS THE NEW YEAR DAWNS, MAY IT BRING WITH IT PROMISES OF NEW DREAMS TO FULFILL,NEW GOALS TO REACH AND NEW JOYS TO DISCOVER FOR ONE AND ALL.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009
The House Test
What the House Test Says About You |
 You consider yourself important, but no more important than anyone else. You love attention, but you don't feel like you deserve more of it than anyone else. You are very community oriented. You like to buy local, know your neighbors, and live in a neighborhood that matches your personality. You are a playful, charming, and seductive person. People feel instantly close to you. You look good in a low maintenance sort of way. You do the minimum required to be attractive. You are moved by romance and love. You are optimistic about people, and you love hearing about happy endings. |
Monday, December 1, 2008
funk
Just four days to go before I leave for home. Just four days, but it feels so damn long.
I am all empty inside.
I used to have all these things to write about, that can't wait to jump out of my brains. But it seems to have all gone away. It makes me feel hollow. Back when I could, I have impressed quite a few with my flair. I'm all hollowed out now.
Anyway, I am gonna go cook dinner. And not wallow in self-pity. I am going home soon and I am gonna have a great time with my small family and limited number of friends. Tralalala!
Nat, may I leave my car in your care again? I will be driving to KK on Friday morning, or Thursday evening if I feel like it. It would probably be Friday morning though. I am so not in the mood to spend the night in KK all by myself. Unless if you wanna accompany me for a late night movie.
I wish I am a party animal who gets drunk and dance half naked on the bar. That would probably take me out of my ... what's the word...? Rut? Get me back in into my groove. It probably won't, cuz I am growing older and I really need to sungkit my ass from here and move somewhere else.
Dinner needs to be cooked and eaten.
p/s : I almost titles this entry spunk! what was I thinking. Words elude me lately. I really need to get back to writing.
I am all empty inside.
I used to have all these things to write about, that can't wait to jump out of my brains. But it seems to have all gone away. It makes me feel hollow. Back when I could, I have impressed quite a few with my flair. I'm all hollowed out now.
Anyway, I am gonna go cook dinner. And not wallow in self-pity. I am going home soon and I am gonna have a great time with my small family and limited number of friends. Tralalala!
Nat, may I leave my car in your care again? I will be driving to KK on Friday morning, or Thursday evening if I feel like it. It would probably be Friday morning though. I am so not in the mood to spend the night in KK all by myself. Unless if you wanna accompany me for a late night movie.
I wish I am a party animal who gets drunk and dance half naked on the bar. That would probably take me out of my ... what's the word...? Rut? Get me back in into my groove. It probably won't, cuz I am growing older and I really need to sungkit my ass from here and move somewhere else.
Dinner needs to be cooked and eaten.
p/s : I almost titles this entry spunk! what was I thinking. Words elude me lately. I really need to get back to writing.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
my thoughts exactly
When I write, it's hard not to get all emotional and get my ideas written the way I want it to be written. I've been thinking about this one for a long while.
Thursday October 9, 2008
Why do men take second wives?
A WRITER'S LIFE
By DINA ZAMAN
Polygamy has nothing to do with culture or religion. Men, and women too, cheat because they can.
WHEN a male friend told me he planned on taking a second wife, all I could do was try not to choke on dinner. Are you serious, I asked. He said yes, he had fallen in love with a single mother, but it was not his fate to marry her.
Thinking it was perhaps due her compassion, her earnest desire to bring up her sprogs in a Godly way and that life was indeed a struggle, I choked on my dessert when my friend told me the first thing he noticed about her was that she owned a great set of jugs.
Now, my friend takes his religious obligations very seriously. His first wife wears the hijab. So to hear him admit that it was his paramour’s cleavage that caught his heart was quite shocking.
It was due to women like me, whose so-called Western, secular and feminist ideas of polygamy that pushed it underground. I then asked him, whether his equally-pious wife agreed to him taking on another wife, and he said no. She gave him an earful.
But our friend was on a roll. Now that his journey into polygamy was thwarted, it was all our fault. We modern Malay women, be they religious or not, were forcing men like him to marry in Thailand or Iran, where they practised nikah Muta’ah.
He was emulating the steps of our good Prophet Mohamed, he argued.
“You have got your Islamic history upside down! Nabi married war widows, and his first wife was older than he. Aishah was the youngest. And I don’t think our Prophet married any woman because she had great breasts!”
“You don’t understand.”
“Okay then. Why don’t you sell your car and take a camel to work then?”
I’m realistic. I know men who adore their wives and love them to bits, but they can still love their mistresses and other wives. Am I condoning affairs and polygamy? No. But this happens. It has nothing to do with Islam or being Malay, though polygamy is part of the culture.
We’re Asians. We have a long history of concubinage. There are good men who are faithful, and there are good men who have other wives. There are also bad men who are faithful and also bad men who are unfaithful.
Just like our politics, love in Malaysia is a circus. Weeee!
I’m not going to bore you with what polygamy in Islam is about, as it has been written before and talked about to death. Women’s rights activists have long fought for this “crime” to be illegal, but we face a tough fight. Sometimes it’s not the men who are itching for it, but yes, our gender, too.
In the 80s, when I was young and clueless, meeting mistresses and second or third wives would be sinful and against my principles.
These days? “Oh, you’re a mistress?” “Oh, you’re a hidden wife?” Yawn. Wear tudung or mini skirt, got. Educated or stupid, got. Some of our mothers are The Other Women, and are good mothers. So how?
Is this phenomenon particular to our culture? Oh no. Read the British newspapers. Mistressing is talked about to death in feminist columns.
But I thought after that dinner with my friend, I’d revisit the issue again. Some of the findings from my five-sen survey:
> Theoretically ... polygamy is OK. But must ikut hukum Allah lah. There are conditions.
> Ya, but… actually, kan, for career women like us, it does work. Nak jaga laki 24 jam … gue tak larat la. Biar bini nombor satu jaga. After all, in Islam, polygamous wives are taken care of legally. Better a Muslim second wife than a common law wife.
> But really. Think about it. Convenient, what. You see him once a week, makan once a week, have sex once a week...
> Sex once a week?! Baik tak yah jadi bini nombor dua macam tu! Chit. Once a week mana cukup?!
Why do men cheat? Again, just an observation dwelled upon by friends and myself. For a lot of polygamous men, they marry good women who fit their criteria of holiness, wifeliness and motherhood.
Intimacy between the men and their wives are perfunctory. It’s make-the-baby-cover-the-face sex. With their girlfriends and second wives, it’s Penthouse all the way, baby. It’s the soul thing.
At least this is what I got from talking to quite a number of married men. It’s not because of the first wives’ lack of trying; they want to have healthy intimate lives, but the bees in their husbands’s bonnets keep reminding the men of the Madonna-Whore syndrome.
Malaysia is not a place for single women desiring Hollywood-movie type of marriages and love. KL especially is a city for marriages and affairs. And it has nothing to do with money. There are rich men who cheat, and I know of a despatch boy who has two wives!
There are many single-again women like my friends and I, who still believe in marriage and love. But I can tell you, should we walk down that path again one day, we’re going down it with our eyes open and keep a part of our hearts to ourselves. Because you never know.
Perhaps my friend, an activist who makes a living entering and staying in war zones, is right.
“We have women like you, me, your mother, your aunt and friend who fight so hard for women and children and yet face a brick wall, simply because we ‘understand’ so much, and forgive all the time, which is why cheating, affairs and polygamy are rampant, to the detriment or contribution (depends how you look at it) of our well-being,” says my friend.
Another friend, Sharizal Sharaani, put it succinctly: “Men (and, yes, women too) cheat because they can. Full stop.”
The writer still believes in love and marriage and wants to move to Corfu.
So true, sister, so true...
Click here for the real article
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
uhuhuhuhu...
Ala, keciannya ada owang tu kecik ati ke kita cakap macam tu? Jangan la kecik ati, awak. Kalau awak, nak singgah, masuk je... nak kata apa pun, katalah... kita tak mawah la awak...
Hugs!
Hugs!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
cuti-cuti
This entry is for me. Don't waste your time reading it. In fact, don't waste your time stopping by here at all.
Sebelum raya, on the way to KK to the airport, after the bridge in front of that school, I fell asleep. A month without caffeine had proven to be very bad for me. Puasa, no coffee at all. I only take coffee in the morning and none after 2pm for fear of not being able to sleep. A while after uni, caffeine has a stronger effect than it used to be. During uni, I had so much of it, it didn't work anymore.
Anyway, I kept falling asleep on the way home from school. Several times. It got so bad sometimes that I had to ask my friend to drive half-way.
That day, I fell asleep all the way. In the middle of the day. I only woke up after my chin touched my chest. And just when I heard my friend next to me gasp and turn the steering wheel to the other side. I was startled, still drowsy, I have no idea where to turn the wheel, so I just turned it, overcompensating. The car was already driving into the ditch on the left side of the road. When I over compensated, it turned to the other side and wanted to go into the ditch on the other side. I I turned the wheel again and again it's going into the ditch on the left side of the road again. In the panic, I totally lost count of how many times I turned the wheel. But after the three times that I could remember, I managed to get the wheel straight, and while the car still fish tails its way on the road, I braced my arms and hoped that the car would stabilize. And I didn't even think about pushing the breaks. All the while, my only thoughts were getting into the ditch is not an option, because I have a 4.25 pm flight to catch in KK and I wanted to see my family for Eid.
I also remember seeing the awe in the face of this uncle on his old motorcyle, moving towards me, he slowed down of course, seeing this crazy silver car swerving here and there like a bat out of hell. Looking into the rearview mirror, I could see the red pick up which had been maintaining speed not too far behind me, slowing to a crawl.
I wonder what they had seen. It must have been a funny sight. It must have been like seeing a car with a drunk driver being beaten by a jealous girlfriend or something.
It was funny, now that it was alsmost two months past. There was Z and TSE with me. I asked them how I felt, they told me they didn't feel anything. I guess it happened in such a short while, that the brain did not have a chance to register it and respond.
As long as we were safe, I don't really car about how I felt that time.
A good weekend last week. We had fun.
Nov 3
Letter to attend Stress Management course in Kuching. Only one available to go. Text him.
Nov 4
Still trying to find someone else to go.
Nov 5
Failed. Went to Kuching. He picked us up at the airport. I was already in the car with him when Wilson texted me. I am so thoughtless. He offered to turn around and pick em all up. I said ok, he did. Dropped us off at the hotel.
Was supposed to go out later in the evening. But ice-breaking took all night. Cancelled.
Nov 6
He flew to Miri. Supposed to go to LWY later and wait for me there. But decided to forgo LWY and just go to KK and wait for me there because he really does hae business to attend to. Relatives to see, things to order.
Nov 7
Course over. Took a 12.35pm flight back to Miri. 4.35pm connecting to LWY. Got there 5.55pm. Took a taxi home, unpacked, repacked, showered, dressed. Drove to KK. Still kept the 2.5 hour record. He texted, saw the new Bond movie. Thought to myself, why couldn't he have waited? Takpe, I will see it alone tonight, I'll catch the midnight show.
Arrived at my hotel, checked in. Showered. Called him. He was asleep. But he answered. I guess he really was expecting my call. Went out for dinner. Surprised I checked into my hotel instead of calling him first. Like I was supposed to ask him to pay for my hotel room. He should, but I was not in the mood to ask.
Too early to sleep. Got tickets to see the Bond movie. Waited for it to stat at 11.30, went to Anjung Senja. Had a durian. It was lousy. Went to see the new Bond movie. With him. Padan muka dia. Good thing he loves Bond movies. Dropped him off at his hotel. Went back to mine. Went to bed.
Nov 8
Woke up early. At 4, at 5, at 6. Can't go back to sleep anymore by then. Got up, showered, prayed, made up, blow dried my hair. He said he wanted to spend the whole day on the road going somewhere with me. He called at 7. He'd be ready in 20 minutes. He text me again later saying he is waiting in the lobby. I finished dressing up, packed up and checked out. Was there in 10 minutes.
Drove to Kudat. Went to The Tip of Borneo again, for the second time. We took some pictures. Drove back to KK. Went to the airport to sort out some ticket issues. Went to the ac service shop. Booked rooms at a hotel while waiting. Checked into our hotel. Went out again for dinner. Seafood galore. Went to Tanjung Aru. Stayed out late. Came back pooped and full. Went to bed.
Nov 9
Drove back to LWY after breakfast and jalan-jalan at the Sunday market at Gaya Street. Went to look for some turtle eggs. I got some cakes from Secret Recipe for Mimi and the girls. Stopped at Beringgis for some more seafood. Drove to LWY. Went straight to the airport. He got himself on an earlier flight out to Miri. Waited with him at the cafe. He said why don't you come along to Miri with me, give me your ic. That would be nice, I said. But I do have to show up for work tomorrow even if there is no more lesson to be taught. It's ok. Keep the map. We'll go next time I come over. OK. His flight left at 3.45pm.
Aku tak tahu what to make of it.
Sebelum raya, on the way to KK to the airport, after the bridge in front of that school, I fell asleep. A month without caffeine had proven to be very bad for me. Puasa, no coffee at all. I only take coffee in the morning and none after 2pm for fear of not being able to sleep. A while after uni, caffeine has a stronger effect than it used to be. During uni, I had so much of it, it didn't work anymore.
Anyway, I kept falling asleep on the way home from school. Several times. It got so bad sometimes that I had to ask my friend to drive half-way.
That day, I fell asleep all the way. In the middle of the day. I only woke up after my chin touched my chest. And just when I heard my friend next to me gasp and turn the steering wheel to the other side. I was startled, still drowsy, I have no idea where to turn the wheel, so I just turned it, overcompensating. The car was already driving into the ditch on the left side of the road. When I over compensated, it turned to the other side and wanted to go into the ditch on the other side. I I turned the wheel again and again it's going into the ditch on the left side of the road again. In the panic, I totally lost count of how many times I turned the wheel. But after the three times that I could remember, I managed to get the wheel straight, and while the car still fish tails its way on the road, I braced my arms and hoped that the car would stabilize. And I didn't even think about pushing the breaks. All the while, my only thoughts were getting into the ditch is not an option, because I have a 4.25 pm flight to catch in KK and I wanted to see my family for Eid.
I also remember seeing the awe in the face of this uncle on his old motorcyle, moving towards me, he slowed down of course, seeing this crazy silver car swerving here and there like a bat out of hell. Looking into the rearview mirror, I could see the red pick up which had been maintaining speed not too far behind me, slowing to a crawl.
I wonder what they had seen. It must have been a funny sight. It must have been like seeing a car with a drunk driver being beaten by a jealous girlfriend or something.
It was funny, now that it was alsmost two months past. There was Z and TSE with me. I asked them how I felt, they told me they didn't feel anything. I guess it happened in such a short while, that the brain did not have a chance to register it and respond.
As long as we were safe, I don't really car about how I felt that time.
A good weekend last week. We had fun.
Nov 3
Letter to attend Stress Management course in Kuching. Only one available to go. Text him.
Nov 4
Still trying to find someone else to go.
Nov 5
Failed. Went to Kuching. He picked us up at the airport. I was already in the car with him when Wilson texted me. I am so thoughtless. He offered to turn around and pick em all up. I said ok, he did. Dropped us off at the hotel.
Was supposed to go out later in the evening. But ice-breaking took all night. Cancelled.
Nov 6
He flew to Miri. Supposed to go to LWY later and wait for me there. But decided to forgo LWY and just go to KK and wait for me there because he really does hae business to attend to. Relatives to see, things to order.
Nov 7
Course over. Took a 12.35pm flight back to Miri. 4.35pm connecting to LWY. Got there 5.55pm. Took a taxi home, unpacked, repacked, showered, dressed. Drove to KK. Still kept the 2.5 hour record. He texted, saw the new Bond movie. Thought to myself, why couldn't he have waited? Takpe, I will see it alone tonight, I'll catch the midnight show.
Arrived at my hotel, checked in. Showered. Called him. He was asleep. But he answered. I guess he really was expecting my call. Went out for dinner. Surprised I checked into my hotel instead of calling him first. Like I was supposed to ask him to pay for my hotel room. He should, but I was not in the mood to ask.
Too early to sleep. Got tickets to see the Bond movie. Waited for it to stat at 11.30, went to Anjung Senja. Had a durian. It was lousy. Went to see the new Bond movie. With him. Padan muka dia. Good thing he loves Bond movies. Dropped him off at his hotel. Went back to mine. Went to bed.
Nov 8
Woke up early. At 4, at 5, at 6. Can't go back to sleep anymore by then. Got up, showered, prayed, made up, blow dried my hair. He said he wanted to spend the whole day on the road going somewhere with me. He called at 7. He'd be ready in 20 minutes. He text me again later saying he is waiting in the lobby. I finished dressing up, packed up and checked out. Was there in 10 minutes.
Drove to Kudat. Went to The Tip of Borneo again, for the second time. We took some pictures. Drove back to KK. Went to the airport to sort out some ticket issues. Went to the ac service shop. Booked rooms at a hotel while waiting. Checked into our hotel. Went out again for dinner. Seafood galore. Went to Tanjung Aru. Stayed out late. Came back pooped and full. Went to bed.
Nov 9
Drove back to LWY after breakfast and jalan-jalan at the Sunday market at Gaya Street. Went to look for some turtle eggs. I got some cakes from Secret Recipe for Mimi and the girls. Stopped at Beringgis for some more seafood. Drove to LWY. Went straight to the airport. He got himself on an earlier flight out to Miri. Waited with him at the cafe. He said why don't you come along to Miri with me, give me your ic. That would be nice, I said. But I do have to show up for work tomorrow even if there is no more lesson to be taught. It's ok. Keep the map. We'll go next time I come over. OK. His flight left at 3.45pm.
Aku tak tahu what to make of it.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
peeved
Pet peeve - when someone sets a whole song as a message alert tone.
And leave it playing all the way through the end when a message comes in.
What kind of idiot mofo does that?
And leave it playing all the way through the end when a message comes in.
What kind of idiot mofo does that?
Friday, September 26, 2008
eid
SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI
MAAF ZAHIR AN BATIN
I'm going home for a whole week beginning tomorrow. Can hardly wait.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Balik kampuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuung...!
MAAF ZAHIR AN BATIN
I'm going home for a whole week beginning tomorrow. Can hardly wait.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Balik kampuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuung...!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
raya
Raya datang lagi. Eid is here again.
Actually, I enjoy the Ramadhan bit much better than the Eid part of it all.
I will be going home on September 26th. Can't wait. Honestly.
I gotta get my car serviced. Then there is the trip up to KK and all.
I am so not bothered to even do an half assed entry tonight.
What is wrong with me leh? So losing interest in this whole thing.
What if I died within this week? Who is gonna tell my friends. Well, I don't have too many of those, so I think my sister will manage just fine.
Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri kepada semua rakan yang mengenali saya. Saya memohon maaf atas segala keterlanjuran saya sama ada yang disengajakan atau tidak.
Sekarang, saya dah mengantuk. Good night.
Actually, I enjoy the Ramadhan bit much better than the Eid part of it all.
I will be going home on September 26th. Can't wait. Honestly.
I gotta get my car serviced. Then there is the trip up to KK and all.
I am so not bothered to even do an half assed entry tonight.
What is wrong with me leh? So losing interest in this whole thing.
What if I died within this week? Who is gonna tell my friends. Well, I don't have too many of those, so I think my sister will manage just fine.
Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri kepada semua rakan yang mengenali saya. Saya memohon maaf atas segala keterlanjuran saya sama ada yang disengajakan atau tidak.
Sekarang, saya dah mengantuk. Good night.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
a birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. enjoy the trip. ~author unknown
It had never been a big deal in my family as I was growing up. We do remember everybody else's. We do celebrate it sometimes when we feel like it. However, most of the time, it passes with a simple wish from each of us in the family.
Today, even though I think my birthday is not too hard to miss, being right before Independence Day, it surprises me how many people actually remembered Even some parents sent me sms wishing me Happy Birthday. Old friends and students as well. For a person like me and my social ineptitude, it surprises me to see how warm people around me can be. I should take some time and take a closer look of the people around me.
So, today is my 32nd birthday. It means I am a year older, so even if this entry does not seem as enthusiastic as I should be for having lived this long on God's great earth, being surrounded by people who help me grow into the person I am today, going through experiences I will never trade for anything in the world, the fact is, I am.
Things I have learned so far...? A lot. I just can't think up of any at the moment. Maybe I will update this entry later when I am in the right mode.
Oh, one thing... I think too much and not necessarily of important or necessary things that would bring the world any good. I should stop doing that. And spend the time I do that with yoga and meditation. That would do a worl of good for my stress levels. Look at me, talking like I run the country.
No, I don't think you will learn anything from what I have learn. You will have to pave your own way through your life, dude because nothing in here is gonna help make your life any easier, if that is what you are looking for. I was talking about what I have learnt so far.
What does it look like, today on my birthday? We had sekolah ganti. There was some gotong-royong happening in the staffroom. Then there was the school canteen committee meeting. It was a rather interesting session. Then we went home. It started raining heavily around noon, and I had a really good nap, all cozy under the covers. It is still raining now, at 6.01pm. I love it when the weather is like this and I am spending the day at home. Just listening to the rain falling and the pattering on the window pane, wathcing the droplets slide down the glass and smelling the fresh smell of the earth it brings with it calms me.
Tomorrow is going to be our 51st year of independence. Happy Birthday Malaysia. And most importantly, Happy Birthday, Abang N. May we all have many more happy, active and prosperous years down the road.
So, Happpy 32nd Lynette. May I grow into a better,
more patient, passionate, sympathetic, empathic, understanding, but stronger and
more resilient person in the next steps I take in my life.
more patient, passionate, sympathetic, empathic, understanding, but stronger and
more resilient person in the next steps I take in my life.
On my birthday...
Birthday Quotes
More Birthday Quotes
Today In History :
Page #1
Page #2
Page #3
Page #4
Page #5
The World
And An Earthquake
More Birthday Quotes
Today In History :
Page #1
Page #2
Page #3
Page #4
Page #5
The World
And An Earthquake
Sunday, August 24, 2008
warwick avenue
When I get to Warwick Avenue...
Meet me by the entrance of the tube.
We can talk things over, a little time...
Promise me you won't step outta line.
When I get to Warwick Avenue...
Please drop the past and be true.
Don't think we're okay, just because I'm here...
You hurt me bad, but I won't shed a tear.
I'm leaving you for the last time baby...
You think you're loving but you don't love me.
I've been confused outta’ my mind lately...
You think you're loving but I want to be free.
Baby you've hurt me.
When I get to Warwick Avenue...
We'll spend an hour, but no more than two.
Our only chance to speak, once more...
I showed you the answers, now here's the door.
When I get to Warwick Avenue...
I'll tell you baby, that we're through.
I'm leaving you for the last time baby...
You think you're loving but you don't love me.
I've been confused outta’ my mind lately...
You think you're loving but you don't love me.
I want to be free, baby you've hurt me.
All those days spent together, I wished for better,
But I didn't want the train to come.
Now it's departed,
I'm broken hearted, seems like we never started.
All the days spent together, when I wished for better,
And I didn't want the train to come
You think you're loving but you don't love me.
I want to be free, baby you've hurt me.
You don't love me,
I want to be free,
Baby you've hurt me.
Meet me by the entrance of the tube.
We can talk things over, a little time...
Promise me you won't step outta line.
When I get to Warwick Avenue...
Please drop the past and be true.
Don't think we're okay, just because I'm here...
You hurt me bad, but I won't shed a tear.
I'm leaving you for the last time baby...
You think you're loving but you don't love me.
I've been confused outta’ my mind lately...
You think you're loving but I want to be free.
Baby you've hurt me.
When I get to Warwick Avenue...
We'll spend an hour, but no more than two.
Our only chance to speak, once more...
I showed you the answers, now here's the door.
When I get to Warwick Avenue...
I'll tell you baby, that we're through.
I'm leaving you for the last time baby...
You think you're loving but you don't love me.
I've been confused outta’ my mind lately...
You think you're loving but you don't love me.
I want to be free, baby you've hurt me.
All those days spent together, I wished for better,
But I didn't want the train to come.
Now it's departed,
I'm broken hearted, seems like we never started.
All the days spent together, when I wished for better,
And I didn't want the train to come
You think you're loving but you don't love me.
I want to be free, baby you've hurt me.
You don't love me,
I want to be free,
Baby you've hurt me.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
inside the fire
You have got to listen to this song.
Such a refreshing thing to see that rockers do not necessarily have to be long-haired.
Such a refreshing thing to see that rockers do not necessarily have to be long-haired.
So if you'll excuse me, I have to go slit my wrists...
Monday, August 18, 2008
cuti sekolah
The school break started again. This time, it is only for one week. My boss had earlier ran away from school to spend two weeks in Kuala Lumpur with his family. Well, I get to spend the end-of-year school break at home too anyway and that would be a whole month. So what is two days stuck in school minding the business while he is away?
Last Friday, the last day of school and with what little attendance we had, we had the closing ceremony of the Language Week. They thought they get to leave school earlier than usual. Come on, it wouldn't happen on my watch, right?
So after the last period of class planned that day, we all gathered in the school hall and gave away prizes to the winners and were presented with the two performances that day, a poetry recital from the winner of the poetry recital held during the week and also, an extra, which was a choral speaking presentation by the 5 Science class.
They were awesome during practice, but then just as I had expected, they freaked out during the actual performance and suffice to say, I was not very happy with it because I seriously believe that they could have done better than that because I have seen them done it ten times better during practice. And I have warned them about freaking out on stage and how to handle that. I guess it doesn't matter how much you tell someone not to do something they will still do it, unless if they have had lots of practice.
Last Friday, some kids also lost some money and they came to me to report it. We had a spot check done on the classes we suspected of the crime. But we did not come up with the money of course. I wish they could have been more careful with their money. For god's sake, how do you find money when it's lost? I myself have lost my phone twice. Does anyone have any suggestions of what to do after a report of money lost is made other than an immediate spot check?
Then two people came into my office and grabbed me by the neck and choked me to death. Well, sometimes I wish that actually happened, because I am starting to feel tired of the struggles.
Well, these two people came into my office on a totally unofficial business. They are the son and daughter-in-law of my sort of foster family that I had made through a friend. They came to me asking me to help out with a case involving a teacher who once taught in this school. He moved away to a school in Sibu and we have never heard from him since.
The thing was, he sold his motorbike to these people for RM2500 worth of cash and has yet to mail his photocopy of identity card so that they can do the transfer of ownership of that thing. I think it all came up to the fact that there is that petrol rebate when you renew your road tax. They would not have bothered if it's not that. Or wouldn't they? I don't know.
Anyway, if it happened to you, wouldn't you help? Or feel forced to help? Even if you hate having to call up the dude and ask him for the stupid thing? I called anyway, and asked anyway. I had to. And he was beating around the bush about it and telling me not to listen to the villagers due to the fact that they can be untrustworthy. What the fark? He obviously was unwilling to do just that. I asked him to just make a photocopy of that thing and fax it to my school, and it will all be okay. But he said he will have to wait for the school break when he can go into town and do those things. I thought he is giving me bullshit.
But the sad thing is, they did the transactions in cash, there was no written agreement, nothing signed, nothing witnessed. People ted to trust teachers so easily. That guy, should not have been trusted. My colleagues agreed with that because what we can remember most about him is that he is one dodgy character. If worst comes to worst, they should just sell that thing off to the scrap metal yard, so they can have some money to buy a new bike with legal papers.
So after about ten minutes of talking to him and and then to his school clerk in order to get the damned photocopy of his ic, it all ended with him trying to be a smart ass with me. What the hell? Well, that's what you get when you are forced to butt into other people's problems just because you knew that person once and you are sort of a foster child of the other party. I wish my life here can be simpler. But then, nothing like some sh*t like this to perk me up from time to time.
Then I jotted down his ic number given to me by his clerk and handed it to the two people and asked them to file a police report (I don't know, maybe just to show that they actually made some sort of effort to gain ownership. They did. He's stopped responding to phone calls and their sms about the matter). They can ask our school clerk to dig up closed files and get a copy of his ic from there. IF the clerk can find it. And that is a big if.
Anyway, in his frustration (he also talked to that guy on the phone by the way) , after he hung up and I handed the IC number to him, he commented on how my room was looking a little like a store room. Funny.
It does look like a store room. I have all these junk ready for the dumpster and there were old wires dangling from the ceiling waiting to be discarded by the wiring people. (The decrepit admin building is being rewired, I have not had lights in my room since Tuesday. Even today, when I came in for work, it's still not on yet). But really he should have saved that for another day when I have not been forced to talk to a dipsh*t on the phone. I felt icky afterwards, ok?
We went and did the closing ceremony at the hall and then before everyone left, I handed back the money some parents had asked me to keep for their kids for them to pay for their fare home in Ba'Kelalan and Long Semadoh.
Then after all the commotion had all gone away, I too finally get to go home.
Unlike the numerous other breaks when I had things planned... I don't for this one. And since I had been obliged to keep an eye on the school during the break, that had worked out beautifully.
I'm tired. My mind is tired. My body is tired. But really, my brains are tired. I wish I can be in a coma for a while and come back a clean slate. But the thing is, I will still be me and I will still have the same people hating my guts. I can't change that.
I need to get away from it all and regain the strength I once had. I need it to get me through the day at work. I love my job. I just need some energy boost. I am feeling a little sick and tired of it sometimes, despite the fact that I love being where I am and doing what I do. I don't have a lot of me time on my hands. I don't even watch tv or surf the net as much as I used to because I'd be dead tired when I get home, and all I had the energy to do is strip, shower and sleep. Just to get up and do it all over again the next morning.
When I get drowned in work, I always dream about being able to just quit my job and stop caring about these kids and just walk away. But then when I think about it, I might just die of boredom since I am not a very social creature. I might just end up sleeping myself to death. Or eating myself to death. Or surf the web to death. I'll probably just lock myself inside my home and do really bad things to myself. So I am grateful for this job because it keep this hermit sane with lots and lots of things to do.
Gosh! I am so not complaining. I just need a reboot of some sort but that is not gonna happen any time soon.
Last Friday, the last day of school and with what little attendance we had, we had the closing ceremony of the Language Week. They thought they get to leave school earlier than usual. Come on, it wouldn't happen on my watch, right?
So after the last period of class planned that day, we all gathered in the school hall and gave away prizes to the winners and were presented with the two performances that day, a poetry recital from the winner of the poetry recital held during the week and also, an extra, which was a choral speaking presentation by the 5 Science class.
They were awesome during practice, but then just as I had expected, they freaked out during the actual performance and suffice to say, I was not very happy with it because I seriously believe that they could have done better than that because I have seen them done it ten times better during practice. And I have warned them about freaking out on stage and how to handle that. I guess it doesn't matter how much you tell someone not to do something they will still do it, unless if they have had lots of practice.
Last Friday, some kids also lost some money and they came to me to report it. We had a spot check done on the classes we suspected of the crime. But we did not come up with the money of course. I wish they could have been more careful with their money. For god's sake, how do you find money when it's lost? I myself have lost my phone twice. Does anyone have any suggestions of what to do after a report of money lost is made other than an immediate spot check?
Then two people came into my office and grabbed me by the neck and choked me to death. Well, sometimes I wish that actually happened, because I am starting to feel tired of the struggles.
Well, these two people came into my office on a totally unofficial business. They are the son and daughter-in-law of my sort of foster family that I had made through a friend. They came to me asking me to help out with a case involving a teacher who once taught in this school. He moved away to a school in Sibu and we have never heard from him since.
The thing was, he sold his motorbike to these people for RM2500 worth of cash and has yet to mail his photocopy of identity card so that they can do the transfer of ownership of that thing. I think it all came up to the fact that there is that petrol rebate when you renew your road tax. They would not have bothered if it's not that. Or wouldn't they? I don't know.
Anyway, if it happened to you, wouldn't you help? Or feel forced to help? Even if you hate having to call up the dude and ask him for the stupid thing? I called anyway, and asked anyway. I had to. And he was beating around the bush about it and telling me not to listen to the villagers due to the fact that they can be untrustworthy. What the fark? He obviously was unwilling to do just that. I asked him to just make a photocopy of that thing and fax it to my school, and it will all be okay. But he said he will have to wait for the school break when he can go into town and do those things. I thought he is giving me bullshit.
But the sad thing is, they did the transactions in cash, there was no written agreement, nothing signed, nothing witnessed. People ted to trust teachers so easily. That guy, should not have been trusted. My colleagues agreed with that because what we can remember most about him is that he is one dodgy character. If worst comes to worst, they should just sell that thing off to the scrap metal yard, so they can have some money to buy a new bike with legal papers.
So after about ten minutes of talking to him and and then to his school clerk in order to get the damned photocopy of his ic, it all ended with him trying to be a smart ass with me. What the hell? Well, that's what you get when you are forced to butt into other people's problems just because you knew that person once and you are sort of a foster child of the other party. I wish my life here can be simpler. But then, nothing like some sh*t like this to perk me up from time to time.
Then I jotted down his ic number given to me by his clerk and handed it to the two people and asked them to file a police report (I don't know, maybe just to show that they actually made some sort of effort to gain ownership. They did. He's stopped responding to phone calls and their sms about the matter). They can ask our school clerk to dig up closed files and get a copy of his ic from there. IF the clerk can find it. And that is a big if.
Anyway, in his frustration (he also talked to that guy on the phone by the way) , after he hung up and I handed the IC number to him, he commented on how my room was looking a little like a store room. Funny.
It does look like a store room. I have all these junk ready for the dumpster and there were old wires dangling from the ceiling waiting to be discarded by the wiring people. (The decrepit admin building is being rewired, I have not had lights in my room since Tuesday. Even today, when I came in for work, it's still not on yet). But really he should have saved that for another day when I have not been forced to talk to a dipsh*t on the phone. I felt icky afterwards, ok?
We went and did the closing ceremony at the hall and then before everyone left, I handed back the money some parents had asked me to keep for their kids for them to pay for their fare home in Ba'Kelalan and Long Semadoh.
Then after all the commotion had all gone away, I too finally get to go home.
Unlike the numerous other breaks when I had things planned... I don't for this one. And since I had been obliged to keep an eye on the school during the break, that had worked out beautifully.
I'm tired. My mind is tired. My body is tired. But really, my brains are tired. I wish I can be in a coma for a while and come back a clean slate. But the thing is, I will still be me and I will still have the same people hating my guts. I can't change that.
I need to get away from it all and regain the strength I once had. I need it to get me through the day at work. I love my job. I just need some energy boost. I am feeling a little sick and tired of it sometimes, despite the fact that I love being where I am and doing what I do. I don't have a lot of me time on my hands. I don't even watch tv or surf the net as much as I used to because I'd be dead tired when I get home, and all I had the energy to do is strip, shower and sleep. Just to get up and do it all over again the next morning.
When I get drowned in work, I always dream about being able to just quit my job and stop caring about these kids and just walk away. But then when I think about it, I might just die of boredom since I am not a very social creature. I might just end up sleeping myself to death. Or eating myself to death. Or surf the web to death. I'll probably just lock myself inside my home and do really bad things to myself. So I am grateful for this job because it keep this hermit sane with lots and lots of things to do.
Gosh! I am so not complaining. I just need a reboot of some sort but that is not gonna happen any time soon.
sorry
At least, it proves that she still reads my blog from time to time.
And it's sad that my last entry had hurt her feelings so much so that she went and wrote her next entry totally based on my last entry. It's sad because I do value her views and now I made myself out to seem like I don't and made her very upset
For one who hates it when it is done to oneself, I guess one should not have made oneself out to look like one is trivializing another's crusade. Sometimes I fail to see how differently other people may perceive what I write.
I am tired of being misunderstood, so I will just have to shut up about whatever other people are saying about something. I should just turn off and stop my brain functions all together. That'd be the best thing to do at the moment. At least until the nest time I feel like responding to something.
I'm too old to get involved in a tangled web of misunderstandings anyway. So... to whom it may concern, I'm sorry. It was never meant to hurt your feelings in any way what so ever.
And it's sad that my last entry had hurt her feelings so much so that she went and wrote her next entry totally based on my last entry. It's sad because I do value her views and now I made myself out to seem like I don't and made her very upset
For one who hates it when it is done to oneself, I guess one should not have made oneself out to look like one is trivializing another's crusade. Sometimes I fail to see how differently other people may perceive what I write.
I am tired of being misunderstood, so I will just have to shut up about whatever other people are saying about something. I should just turn off and stop my brain functions all together. That'd be the best thing to do at the moment. At least until the nest time I feel like responding to something.
I'm too old to get involved in a tangled web of misunderstandings anyway. So... to whom it may concern, I'm sorry. It was never meant to hurt your feelings in any way what so ever.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
rape
I had to take this down.
I forgot, I do have friends who do wear these things and I do not wish to hurt their feelings in any way, secara langsung atau tidak.
CS thinks I expose myself too sometimes. Wahaha... Whatever do you mean, my friend?
I just needed to know if there were any study done and if there were any anomalies in different societies because I don't grow up surrounded by half nekkid women, and my momma taught me not to show off too much. And maybe I am a bisexual of sorts? Who knows?
I am such an old biddy sometimes, I forget we are living in the 21st century and we can all stop being pretentious Muslims and Asians. Because who doesn't want to show off their rump once in a while? It is the era of flaunting whatever it is that you have. All in the name of feminism and being proud of your god given attributes.
Apa-apa pun, Islam tetap melarang wanitanya mendedahkan dirinya. Walaupun I am not the scholar to preach these words, nor the person who practices it, I do understand that Muslim women are covered to elevate them in the eyes of the society. Maybe it's too complicated for some of us to understand. But that is their problem.
But given the choice, would you rape a half nekkid girl, who is strutting her stuff at the mall out in the open, or would you just get off on a totally covered lady who happened to pick the wrong path home? Or a little girl snatched from the playground?
Bottomline, rapists deserve to be locked away and have the keys thrown into the sea.
No excuse.
I pray for the souls of those who were taken from us in that horrible way dan semoga Allah membalas kekejaman yang berlaku ke atas mereka dengan setimpal ke atas yang melakukan kezaliman ke atas mereka.
p/s: Kalau ada kawan rapat yang terasa, maafkan keterlanjuranku. Aku hanya ingin tahu seandainya wujud kajian sedemikian. Itu saja.
pp/s : Don't get your panties in a twist. Life is too short. I'm just gonna go live it. I suggest you do the same too.
I forgot, I do have friends who do wear these things and I do not wish to hurt their feelings in any way, secara langsung atau tidak.
CS thinks I expose myself too sometimes. Wahaha... Whatever do you mean, my friend?
I just needed to know if there were any study done and if there were any anomalies in different societies because I don't grow up surrounded by half nekkid women, and my momma taught me not to show off too much. And maybe I am a bisexual of sorts? Who knows?
I am such an old biddy sometimes, I forget we are living in the 21st century and we can all stop being pretentious Muslims and Asians. Because who doesn't want to show off their rump once in a while? It is the era of flaunting whatever it is that you have. All in the name of feminism and being proud of your god given attributes.
Apa-apa pun, Islam tetap melarang wanitanya mendedahkan dirinya. Walaupun I am not the scholar to preach these words, nor the person who practices it, I do understand that Muslim women are covered to elevate them in the eyes of the society. Maybe it's too complicated for some of us to understand. But that is their problem.
But given the choice, would you rape a half nekkid girl, who is strutting her stuff at the mall out in the open, or would you just get off on a totally covered lady who happened to pick the wrong path home? Or a little girl snatched from the playground?
Bottomline, rapists deserve to be locked away and have the keys thrown into the sea.
No excuse.
I pray for the souls of those who were taken from us in that horrible way dan semoga Allah membalas kekejaman yang berlaku ke atas mereka dengan setimpal ke atas yang melakukan kezaliman ke atas mereka.
p/s: Kalau ada kawan rapat yang terasa, maafkan keterlanjuranku. Aku hanya ingin tahu seandainya wujud kajian sedemikian. Itu saja.
pp/s : Don't get your panties in a twist. Life is too short. I'm just gonna go live it. I suggest you do the same too.
Friday, August 8, 2008
8808
How many decades ago was it when it was 8.8.88? You do the math, I am hopeless with math.
Anyway, I like that number. Today is 8.8.08. I like 7 and 3 also. I am not obsessed with these numbers, I just happen to like them better compared to the other numbers.
Oh, and I have made peace with myself, that due to the way I am, my character flaw I mean, I should accept the fact that I will never have a close female friend like every other people I know and I will never have many close friends like many people I know, simply because I will never know what to do with them and it would be unfair to be tamak and horde all these people when you are positively clueless when it comes to maintaining a life-long friendship.
So I am thankful for the few that I have because these are the only people who can stand me and my ways and knows that no matter how bad I get, all those badness actually do come from a good place, as mad as it sounds. I'm just socially inept.
One of the things that make me cry and make me realize what a lousy friend I have been is when I think about the people who made the effort to throw me birthday parties. I wish to God that they never did it. I am grateful. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate what they had done for me out of the sweetness of their hearts. But how do you tell them that they are all doing it in vain? Just seeing their smiles of fulfillment just makes the tears well up in my eyes and burst down my cheeks. All that for nothing.
How do you tell people not to get too close when you can't help being the deceivingly cheerful sunshine, when in reality, there is nothing inside you but pulp and you have no interest in celebrating anything in life.
Age and work now keeps me busy. People do not try to get close to me anymore. I am still the deceivingly happy person that I was before, but I have lessened contact, with all of them, so they won't fall for this happy facade that comes naturally to me. Finally, no more guilt.
I'll be 32 soon, and as always, I don't feel a day older. I hope that will keep my spirits up and not make me act very much unlike my age, God forbid. I wonder how will I be when I reach 42... if I ever get there.
I've never been afraid of growing old, so I don't understand why some people obsess about it and lie about their age. Like, is it gonna make them more appealing? I won't know until I put myself in their shoes. Till then, I'm busy living and working.
TTYL.
Anyway, I like that number. Today is 8.8.08. I like 7 and 3 also. I am not obsessed with these numbers, I just happen to like them better compared to the other numbers.
Oh, and I have made peace with myself, that due to the way I am, my character flaw I mean, I should accept the fact that I will never have a close female friend like every other people I know and I will never have many close friends like many people I know, simply because I will never know what to do with them and it would be unfair to be tamak and horde all these people when you are positively clueless when it comes to maintaining a life-long friendship.
So I am thankful for the few that I have because these are the only people who can stand me and my ways and knows that no matter how bad I get, all those badness actually do come from a good place, as mad as it sounds. I'm just socially inept.
One of the things that make me cry and make me realize what a lousy friend I have been is when I think about the people who made the effort to throw me birthday parties. I wish to God that they never did it. I am grateful. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate what they had done for me out of the sweetness of their hearts. But how do you tell them that they are all doing it in vain? Just seeing their smiles of fulfillment just makes the tears well up in my eyes and burst down my cheeks. All that for nothing.
How do you tell people not to get too close when you can't help being the deceivingly cheerful sunshine, when in reality, there is nothing inside you but pulp and you have no interest in celebrating anything in life.
Age and work now keeps me busy. People do not try to get close to me anymore. I am still the deceivingly happy person that I was before, but I have lessened contact, with all of them, so they won't fall for this happy facade that comes naturally to me. Finally, no more guilt.
I'll be 32 soon, and as always, I don't feel a day older. I hope that will keep my spirits up and not make me act very much unlike my age, God forbid. I wonder how will I be when I reach 42... if I ever get there.
I've never been afraid of growing old, so I don't understand why some people obsess about it and lie about their age. Like, is it gonna make them more appealing? I won't know until I put myself in their shoes. Till then, I'm busy living and working.
TTYL.
Monday, July 14, 2008
back. for tonight's entry. at least.
No.
I'm not dead yet.
In case that is what any of you have been thinking all this while.
I just went through some really long patch of laziness. Even as I am writing this, I still think I should not be picking tonight to come back to writing anything because I don't exactly have anything worthwhile to write about. As if that had ever been a problem for me before. But that's the thing; I don't have anything to talk about. I take that as a good sign, because I started this out being angry. Very angry. That anger is gone and in its place, is acceptance. I don't know. I guess I just got tired of everything.
Don't read on. No reason to waste time and go on reading this blog. But I can always go on typing.
Well, since I last wrote some things have happened and those things are, some of them mundane, some of them liberating. You guess which one is which.
1. Went home to Selangor to spend two weeks with my family.
This was great because;
a) I did not have any argument with my mom. At all. The school break went really well. I don't know if my mom went easier with me, or I had finally grown up mentally to understand that that is how my mom has been and always will be. Besides, seeing that my mom growing older does make me think again how I have been as a daughter.
Things went so well that my mom had been calling me every other day since I came back and was actually mad at me when I told her that I won't be back in August because I will be home for Eid instead. Until I told her that the 'cheap tickets' were bogus. Well, at least to people like me who are too damned lazy to keep a close eye on that website to make sure that I actually do get to fly home cheap.
b) I have a niece now. And her name is Amira Batrisya. Well, my brother has this obsession about wanting his kids be leaders it seems, hence the 'Amir' word at the beginning of all his kids' names.
I have taken care of too many kids in my younger days to actually like her immediately. Gosh, am I a monster? I don't really like the fact that I don't really like it when she cries and there is nothing I can do to quiet her down. They all coo and go gaa gaa with her. I don't. I can't. I don't do baby talk. Period. My kids will pop out talking like Queen Elizabeth. Haha!
I loved the two older boys, both are Amirs and they are adorable and cute and boisterous and naughty, but still get all quiet and nice when I get mad at them. Not for long. Enough so that they would pick up the mess they had made and tidied up their play area. I have that effect on kids, you see. Sort of a military general streak. Just like my mom.
c) I wish I had more time to spend with my sister. But I didn't. She is being worked to the ground by HSBC. Those of you who are planning to get a job there, at Cyberjaya, don't. Well, maybe you should, so you can help lighten my sister's burden and she could get her weekends free so she can spend that with me!
Well, they are working her to her grave actually. She has high blood pressure and she is on medication. She is 27 and on medication. How bad do you think that is?
She goes to work at 11.oo am and does not come home till 7.00am the next day!!! What kind of crap extortion is that? She should quit her job. But then she is having a hard time to find a new one. She had been looking but they keep turning her down. That... the rejection, in itself is hard enough for her. It would not be too hard for me or the rest of you, but my sister is a very sensitive soul. And the workload that they are piling on her and their expectations of her at the workplace is, I think, too much. Extremely over the top. No one with her health would dare to endure what she is going through. She does not sleep! And you know how a person with a bp condition needs to have enough sleep at night. Sleeping in the daytime, just for two hours DOES NOT CUT IT! And her UK customers are from hell!
Warning : People from the UK has a big huge gaping garbage can for a mouth. They are not the nice, civilized, proper people you'd like to think they are.
Well, not all of them, actually. Just people who lost checks in the system and demanding that the people at FirstDirect to look for them.
It's one thing, if you lost a 100 pound sterling check, I totally understand if you'd freak out and start talking like the little trash mouth that you are. But a twelve pound check?
I mean, who the fuck writes a twelve pound check? You can't even carry twelve lousy pounds in your wallet? What the fuck?
And then you go fuck up my poor sister's day. Over twelve pounds? Can anyone go any lower than that?
Seriously, she came home crying, sobbing, one night, she freaked me out. I thought she hit someone on the way home. But she told me she just had a very bad week and that's all because of the way those fucking Britons talk to the people who are supposed to assist them.
I wish I can tell those bastards and bitches who has those potty mouths that their bank are cheapskates and they had chosen Asia to plant a place where you can call and get help if you are stupid enough to write a twelve pound check and losing it in transaction. And again, they also picked Asia because non of you snot-nosed, unemployed, bottom-feeders who feed on welfare would even think of getting this job to feed your children. And these so-called English people don't really speak English! They speak a language from hell. And whoever thought Scottish sounds cute on TV should try getting my sister's initial job, because I bet you CANNOT make out what the hell comes out of their mouths.
Not all of the customers are bad potty mouthed people. Some of them are nice. I know Princess Di, despite her mistakes was a very nice person. But I am not too sure of the rest of the kingdom because I have never been in that country and not planning on going there any time soon, and I have never had my sister's job. Thank God. I might have crumbled like a piece of cookie.
Well, I wish I had been able to spend more time with my sister. She worked all week and all weekend. Until the Friday before I left. We went to get some sushi, the two of us. I wish we had more time to do more stuff together. But mom was all alone at home, we felt guilty leaving her alone, we had to rush home afterwards.
2) I got four shoes for less than RM100.
3) I met J.
For less than two hours at Midvalley.
4) I dissolved association with J.
Whatever we had, it was toxic. For the both of us. And it was about time.
5) I realized that I am good at what I do at work.
People keep moving their kids from the bad school next door to mine. And those who are already are at my school, does not complain when I send out letters of notification of punishment for their kids. They actually come to school to meet with me and talk like normal people.
I have had some problematic parents who can't seem to believe that their kids are normal kids that can make stupid mistakes too. But they have since quieted down after listening to my reasoning and seen the evidence.
6) I have reorganized the committees under me.
So I can a lot more people involved and get a lot more done.
I am such a control freak sometimes, it's a little difficult for me to trust that other people are perfectly capable of handling most of the things that I think they can't. Like my mom?
Well, I now know that if I show them how to do it right, they will do it right. They can even do better than I do. Not.
7) My periods has not stopped for more than a month.
But that doesn't scare me. I don't feel like I am drained of blood because it keep stopping after every drop. It stops for a few days and all of a sudden surprise me with a drop. That had been keeping since June 13th. I have an inkling why that has been happening. It's probably the mesication I am putting myself on. I quit that. The periods has stopped, for real this time, I hope. We'll see if it keeps happening the next cycle.
8) I am tired, I am gonna sleep and try to write more the next time I log on to this poor blog.
I have not been able to go to KK since I came back. While it had been a weekly activity for me, it has ceased to be lately. I am turning into an ultra slob!
I'm not dead yet.
In case that is what any of you have been thinking all this while.
I just went through some really long patch of laziness. Even as I am writing this, I still think I should not be picking tonight to come back to writing anything because I don't exactly have anything worthwhile to write about. As if that had ever been a problem for me before. But that's the thing; I don't have anything to talk about. I take that as a good sign, because I started this out being angry. Very angry. That anger is gone and in its place, is acceptance. I don't know. I guess I just got tired of everything.
Don't read on. No reason to waste time and go on reading this blog. But I can always go on typing.
Well, since I last wrote some things have happened and those things are, some of them mundane, some of them liberating. You guess which one is which.
1. Went home to Selangor to spend two weeks with my family.
This was great because;
a) I did not have any argument with my mom. At all. The school break went really well. I don't know if my mom went easier with me, or I had finally grown up mentally to understand that that is how my mom has been and always will be. Besides, seeing that my mom growing older does make me think again how I have been as a daughter.
Things went so well that my mom had been calling me every other day since I came back and was actually mad at me when I told her that I won't be back in August because I will be home for Eid instead. Until I told her that the 'cheap tickets' were bogus. Well, at least to people like me who are too damned lazy to keep a close eye on that website to make sure that I actually do get to fly home cheap.
b) I have a niece now. And her name is Amira Batrisya. Well, my brother has this obsession about wanting his kids be leaders it seems, hence the 'Amir' word at the beginning of all his kids' names.
I have taken care of too many kids in my younger days to actually like her immediately. Gosh, am I a monster? I don't really like the fact that I don't really like it when she cries and there is nothing I can do to quiet her down. They all coo and go gaa gaa with her. I don't. I can't. I don't do baby talk. Period. My kids will pop out talking like Queen Elizabeth. Haha!
I loved the two older boys, both are Amirs and they are adorable and cute and boisterous and naughty, but still get all quiet and nice when I get mad at them. Not for long. Enough so that they would pick up the mess they had made and tidied up their play area. I have that effect on kids, you see. Sort of a military general streak. Just like my mom.
c) I wish I had more time to spend with my sister. But I didn't. She is being worked to the ground by HSBC. Those of you who are planning to get a job there, at Cyberjaya, don't. Well, maybe you should, so you can help lighten my sister's burden and she could get her weekends free so she can spend that with me!
Well, they are working her to her grave actually. She has high blood pressure and she is on medication. She is 27 and on medication. How bad do you think that is?
She goes to work at 11.oo am and does not come home till 7.00am the next day!!! What kind of crap extortion is that? She should quit her job. But then she is having a hard time to find a new one. She had been looking but they keep turning her down. That... the rejection, in itself is hard enough for her. It would not be too hard for me or the rest of you, but my sister is a very sensitive soul. And the workload that they are piling on her and their expectations of her at the workplace is, I think, too much. Extremely over the top. No one with her health would dare to endure what she is going through. She does not sleep! And you know how a person with a bp condition needs to have enough sleep at night. Sleeping in the daytime, just for two hours DOES NOT CUT IT! And her UK customers are from hell!
Warning : People from the UK has a big huge gaping garbage can for a mouth. They are not the nice, civilized, proper people you'd like to think they are.
Well, not all of them, actually. Just people who lost checks in the system and demanding that the people at FirstDirect to look for them.
It's one thing, if you lost a 100 pound sterling check, I totally understand if you'd freak out and start talking like the little trash mouth that you are. But a twelve pound check?
I mean, who the fuck writes a twelve pound check? You can't even carry twelve lousy pounds in your wallet? What the fuck?
And then you go fuck up my poor sister's day. Over twelve pounds? Can anyone go any lower than that?
Seriously, she came home crying, sobbing, one night, she freaked me out. I thought she hit someone on the way home. But she told me she just had a very bad week and that's all because of the way those fucking Britons talk to the people who are supposed to assist them.
I wish I can tell those bastards and bitches who has those potty mouths that their bank are cheapskates and they had chosen Asia to plant a place where you can call and get help if you are stupid enough to write a twelve pound check and losing it in transaction. And again, they also picked Asia because non of you snot-nosed, unemployed, bottom-feeders who feed on welfare would even think of getting this job to feed your children. And these so-called English people don't really speak English! They speak a language from hell. And whoever thought Scottish sounds cute on TV should try getting my sister's initial job, because I bet you CANNOT make out what the hell comes out of their mouths.
Not all of the customers are bad potty mouthed people. Some of them are nice. I know Princess Di, despite her mistakes was a very nice person. But I am not too sure of the rest of the kingdom because I have never been in that country and not planning on going there any time soon, and I have never had my sister's job. Thank God. I might have crumbled like a piece of cookie.
Well, I wish I had been able to spend more time with my sister. She worked all week and all weekend. Until the Friday before I left. We went to get some sushi, the two of us. I wish we had more time to do more stuff together. But mom was all alone at home, we felt guilty leaving her alone, we had to rush home afterwards.
2) I got four shoes for less than RM100.
3) I met J.
For less than two hours at Midvalley.
4) I dissolved association with J.
Whatever we had, it was toxic. For the both of us. And it was about time.
5) I realized that I am good at what I do at work.
People keep moving their kids from the bad school next door to mine. And those who are already are at my school, does not complain when I send out letters of notification of punishment for their kids. They actually come to school to meet with me and talk like normal people.
I have had some problematic parents who can't seem to believe that their kids are normal kids that can make stupid mistakes too. But they have since quieted down after listening to my reasoning and seen the evidence.
6) I have reorganized the committees under me.
So I can a lot more people involved and get a lot more done.
I am such a control freak sometimes, it's a little difficult for me to trust that other people are perfectly capable of handling most of the things that I think they can't. Like my mom?
Well, I now know that if I show them how to do it right, they will do it right. They can even do better than I do. Not.
7) My periods has not stopped for more than a month.
But that doesn't scare me. I don't feel like I am drained of blood because it keep stopping after every drop. It stops for a few days and all of a sudden surprise me with a drop. That had been keeping since June 13th. I have an inkling why that has been happening. It's probably the mesication I am putting myself on. I quit that. The periods has stopped, for real this time, I hope. We'll see if it keeps happening the next cycle.
8) I am tired, I am gonna sleep and try to write more the next time I log on to this poor blog.
I have not been able to go to KK since I came back. While it had been a weekly activity for me, it has ceased to be lately. I am turning into an ultra slob!
Monday, April 28, 2008
hapdet
Kata Bella, no news is good news...
So I guess that is why I have not been updating this blog for the past few weeks. It's not like I have thousands of admiring readers to entertain... unlike Bella. :) No dear, I don't envy you for having to update your blog regularly, not wanting to disappoint your readers.
School is the same. Suspensions and such. The mundane stuff. Day in and day out. I am not complaining. Better mundane than drama when it comes to running a school.
Last Saturday, I thought I'd take the girls to that theme park in Brunei. But since most of the people tengah gawat bulan ni, I had to forget about it for a while. Maybe next time.
Instead, I ajak diorang ke KK. Still mereka tak mau ikut. So, I don't know why, I rasa menggedik je nak ke KK minggu ni. So I went with Mimi di jantan comel.
Pagi Sabtu, bangun awal sikit dari biasa. Kebiasaannya, aku masih bergulung dalam gebar dalam area kul 10 pagi kalau orang tak bagitau apa plan diorang hari tu atau aku rasa penglibatan aku tak diperlukan dalam program diorang. Ye, aku memang pemalas bila tiba weekends. Kau apa pedulik? Well, come to think of it, aku memang pemalas through and through. Oh the perils of living on your own. Nobody cares.
Took the girls for breakfast at our favourite spot in town tu. I had wantan soup as usual. Also had pau kacang merah AND ayam beforehand. Talk about tamak. Oh, yes, I am also a greedy little bugger. Well, safe to say as I grew older, I think my favorite meal is breakfast. Lunch and dinner, kalau takde pun takpe.
Then pergi tamu. Mula-mula I followed them around. Belek-belek sunglasses. I bought two, because I dah lama tak beli, and I suka sunglasses and I like wearing them sampai rosak lepas tu campak je. So dah lama tak beli baru, I sambar la 2. One looks like the ones yang Paris H suka pakai tu, and another one is a black Aviator. Aku ni kan ala-ala jejanz sket kengkadang.
And bila bersoping dengan kengkawan aku ni, biasalah kan, gadis-gadis ni kan rajin membelek? Aku tak marah pun. Aku rajin gak membelek. Tapi tak lama, aku suka, aku sambar je. So menengokkan mereka membelek-belek barang tu aku dah rimas so, aku slow-slow membawa diri melihat bembarang yang aku memang nak beli.
Aku beli buku panduan wirid. Well, I need it. Lepas tu beli selipar comey 2 pasang. Ingat nak beli for my mom. Tapi pikir balik... I think my mom deserve better. Tatau ah, bila tengok sandal-sandal comey tu asyik teringat nak beli for me mum. My mom tu mana suka pergi pasar malam. Tak pernah dia pergi. Asyik dia suruh me go buy her stuff from there. Namanya mak aku nak pergi sendiri tengok? Sorry la. I guess bukan my mom tu malas ke apa ke.... Dia shop-a-holic. Dia takut dia borong semua barang kat pasar malam tu bawak balik. So baiklah dia hantar Toy Soldier dia yang sorang ni, namely me. Dia pun tak penat.
Then aku jumpa panties made from this thin jersey material yang I think senang dicuci dan cepat kering. I think those would come in handy when I travel nanti. So I got 10 of those. Then I beli 7 anak tudung. Yang lama dah berbulu melekat dengan benda white lint. Tah mana datang tah... and I can't seem to find most of them. Murs murs je. Dua 5 hengget. Looked for some more singlets to wear for bed, takdok plak saiz aku. Muahaha... Len kali je.
Then aku beli a new potato peeler sebab yang lama pun tah ke mana, kut dah jatuh dalam tong sampah. I hate having to peel things with just a pisau. I can do it beautifully tapi lama sangat. Leceh! Harap yang ni tak hilang lagi.
Lepas tu aku tengok sana, tengok sini... takde yang menarik perhatian. Hai sana, hai sini... maklumlah mak ni pseudo-celeb kat pekan kecik ni. kain kat tamu tu pun takde yang suits my taste. Ecewah... taste kunun. Cuba try kat Euro Moda plak, kut ye nak bertaste kan?
So dengan hasil soping aku yang tak sebebrapa tu, aku balik kat keter... aku call diorang, diorang tak siap lagi. So aku pergila lepak kat kedai makan kecik milik rakan sekerja dari sekolah lain tu. Demi jaga hati kawan (sebab aku jarang lepak kat kedai dia, cuz the girls prefer kedai tomyam kat seberang kedai kawan aku ni) aku pun order teh o ping dengan Laksa Penang. Walopung aku sudah kenyang tahap nasik masuk hidung masa tu, aku gagahkan jua menyuap laksa tersebut dengan penuh berselera. Berlakon la sesikit, tapi I didn't have to berlakon kuat sangat sebab memang laksa dia sedap pun, and aku memang kuat makan pun.
15 minutes later, they all selesai, dey all datang mintak kunci keter from me, nak simpan barang. I pun finished my meal, paid up and mintak diri. Dia tak nak amik harga teh o ping tu walaupun I berkeras suruh dia charge me. Haiya.... baik sangat la belanja me liddat. Jangan la selalu, I tak kisah bayar. Tolong kawan, kan?
Then pergi supermarket, carikan hadiah untuk Martin and Kia. Wedding mereka hari Sabtu tu, kul 10.30. Kami belikan dia set pinggan mangkuk for 4 people. Nak fancy lagi pun dah terlambat nak cari kat town kecik ni mana ada benda fancy-fancy untuk wedding gift. Balik rumah, I took another shower sebab dah berpeluh bagai nak rak maa dok kat tamu yang stuffy and smoky ittew. Siap-siap, mekap apa ke patut, blow rambut sesikit, and pergi la angkut seisi rumah pergi wedding kat church tu.
My friend tu dah buat catering for his muslim friends. Stay kejap, makan, buat photo op sket, lepas tu balik...
I hantar Z pergi jumpa murid dia kat KFC dia dah janji nak belanja over a favor he did for her. Then hantar M pergi berurut betulkan lengan dia yang terkehel masa dia jatuh kat sekolah minggu lepas. Then L volunteer nak temankan me pergi tukar mintak hitam kat kedai tu. Lepas siap cuci kereta luar and dalam, kami balik. Called Mimi and bagitau dia I am going to KK alone dengan dia je sebab yang lain tak mau ikut.
Balik rumah, I packed up some stuff. Just bawak backpack kecik je, sebab staying just one night je. Then M mintak amikkan dia kat tempat berurut tu. Siap-siap berkemas, turun, said bye bye kat the girls and bawak barang sekali, amik M kat sana, bawak balik, dropped her off at home and terus pergi amik Mimi kat flat sekolah dia about 20 minutes from town. Kami berdua je pergit this time. Tak pernah pun aku ke KK sorang2 untuk jalan-jalan sebelum ni. Sebelum ni mesti angkut the girls with me without fail. Tapi Mimi pun feels like one of the girls juga walaupun dia bukan a 'girl' tapi dia memang girlish la, so compensate la juga, tak la rasa lonely sangat.
Singgah makan kat Beaufort, makan nasi sambal. Menu wajib tu kalau singgah Beaufort. Tataulah kenapa aku suka sangat dengan nasi sambal tu, aku mesti order yang itu bila singgah Restoran Malaysia kat Beaufort tu. Suka la rasa dia.
Seronok betul Mimi bila I managed to follow this Police truck yang bawak anak-anak ikan... probably budak-budak Kadet Polis kut, on the way ke kem mana-mana. Dia pun describe la bagaimana these boys were looking at me with such awe and astonishment sepanjang aku memfolow truck mereka tu sambil aku nak memotong truck tersebut, sebab aku telah memaparkan skill bawak keter mengalahkan Michael Schumacher padahal keta aku takde la hebat benar. I was not looking at those boys pun sebab aku ni ada rimas sket bila time follow truck askar atau polis yang penuh dengan impressionable teens ni. Kat sekolah kan aku dah hadap beratus orang. Kat jalanraya pun lagi? I am not impressed. Lagipun aku segan la nak tentang mata jejanz walaupun dia budak kecik lagi. Lemah jantung gue.
Kami sampai KK dalam jam 7.13pm macam tu. Mimi kata dia dah call merata-rata tapi semua budget hotel tu dah penuh, so last-last kami rasa apa salahnya if we go stay kat a nicer place for a change. So malam tu kami stayed kat Hyatt. Tak la top sangat hotel tu, tapi tak la budget. Dengan Gov Servant rate lagi, affordable la juga.
Apa aku buat? Letih... aku mandi, pakai baju, pergi turun kejap beli Whopper kat seberang jalan tu je. Ingat nak cari mineral water kat plaza sebelah tu. Dah tutup plak by the time I had mstered the energy to go down. Sebbaik bilik ada air mineral botol ciput tu. Kalau tak, tercekik la I makan Whopper tu. Pergi juga masuk plaza tu walaupun kedai banyak yang dah tutup. I singgah kedai henpon, beli bekas henpon satu and top up card. Lepas tu balik bilik, changed and went to bed. Ingat nak tido, tapi tak mengantuk. I messaged si Mimi, tanya dia buat apa. Dia kata pergi clubbing. Sekejap je dia dah jumpa kawan. Gigih perempuan tu!
Malas aku nak kacau dia ajak pergi tengok wayang, aku terus masuk tido je. Tak sleepy pun nanti lelap juga kan? Silap la aku. Aku pergi tengok cerita seram kat Discovery terus la aku takut nak tutup lampu. Aku kat bilik hotel yang unfamiliar tu aku seram sket. Manalah tahu kang padam lampun kang macam-macam imej seram menerjah ke mata aku ni. Aku biar lampu nyala sampai pagi. Hiahahaha....
Kul 9 aku bangun. Siap-siap dengan santai and relaxed. Then kami checked out. Simpan barang dalam kereta. Round-round dalam plaza sebelah tu dekat 3 jam jugalah. I got myself 3 new dangly earrings, 2 pairs of jeans and some other stuff from the sundry store. Little things. Sambil tunggu kemeja Mimi siap di'alter' kami lunched at the Malindo place depan sundry store tu.
Then I called CitizenSierra. She was free that day so I ajak dia pergi CentrePoint for some sushi.We were there early so I decided to get a manicure. The girl did a square cut on my nails. Made them look stumpy. But at least dia tak mencucuk the palm of my hand bila I make a fist. Mimi pun waited for me to get done before he had his done too. I didn't feel like going anywhere so I stuck around while he had his nails done. The manicurist tanya I baru kahwin ke? Sebab I pakai inai di jari. Kalau aku dengan si Mimi kahwin memang la kami ni mak an odd couple. Dia dengan cam gegirlnya. Aku dengan jejanznya. Aku kata taklah, ni adik. So kami pun berlakon la sebagai adik beradik dengan menyelitkan nilai-nilai kekeluargaan dalam perbualan kami from that point on.
Pergi Vincci, jumpa a wedge yang agak menarik minat jua. Tapi sebab takde budget for shoes, aku tak beli pun. Kebelakangan ni pandai la menahan diri dari membuat unnecessary purchases. Syukur. Aku harap ianya akan berterusan!
Then Nat pun sampai. Spent a few hours with her, catching up and sharing some newfound secrets to womanly beauty. Tak sabar dia nak join me in my quest. So kami pergi la dapatkan keperluannya as soon as we were done with the sushi. Kalau menjadi ke tak menjadi, tobat aku tak nak citer kat korang apa ke mendernya kami cuba tu. Huahahaha...
I am envious of CS because now dia dah ada apartment, fully furnished lagi tu. The best part must be her bedroom because according to her, she made it up to feel like a hotel room siap dengan king-sized bed lagi. I pun naaaaaaaak!!! I nak bilik tidur macam tu jugak!!! Huhuhuhu...
You go Nat!
Lepas tu si Mimi pergi buat hal dia, me and Nat jalan-jalan pergi book store, looked for novels for Mag. Yang dia nak tu tak ada, tapi yang lain tu, 2 sekali ada, so dia kata beli je both. Then we pergi lepak kat McD plak. Takde apa sangat yang nak dilihat atau dibeli... lepak la kat kedai makan tu, sambil makan Chocolate Sundae.
Then Mimi datang joined us. It was getting late, so kami pun minta diri dulu nak teruskan perjalanan balik ke Lawas. I wish we can go to a beach somewhere next time I pergi jumpa dia kat sana. We'll see.
Balik. It was uneventful. Yang pasti kami singgah lagi kat Restoran Malaysia and pekena satu lagi round nasik sambal sebelum meneruskan perjalanan.
Sampai kat sekolah Mimi, I tinggalkan dia kat situ, sebelum tu I melawak....
"Dalam perjalanan pulang, Kak Lynette telah ternampak satu bayangan manusia menahan keretanya di tepi jalan, namun dia tidak berhenti untuk menumpangkan orang tersebut. Beberapa ketika kemudian, dia mendapati bayangan yang telah cuba menahan keretanya sebentar tadi kini telah berada di sebelahnya dan memandang ke arah kak Lynette dengan penuh perasaan marah..."
Suka benarla si Mimi tu dengar cerita seram tu. Sambil dia melambai aku nak meninggalkan sekolah tu sengsorang sambil la dia menyakat aku ... aku tau, antara aku dengan dia, dia lagi penakot!!! Huahahahah!
Seram gak tengkuk. Area yang kami lalu nak balik ke Lawas tu ada yang keras belaka. Tapi takpe, Allah kan ada? Aku baca ayat Kursi and ayat Seribu Dinar, aku pasang lagu kekuat kat radio and buat cam biasa.
Kul 9.30 aku selamat sampai kat Lawas. Aku text Nat and Mimi. Thanks for spending time with me you guys... You made my day.
Tomorrow, we'll conduct the assembly fully in English for the first time. I wonder how it would be like. Ala, once in a month je. I think these people can manage.
Aku mengantuk. Korang tak mengantuk ke baca entry merapu aku ni? Esok aku try lagi. Now mata dah kecik. Mesti tido. Papai ya'll!
So I guess that is why I have not been updating this blog for the past few weeks. It's not like I have thousands of admiring readers to entertain... unlike Bella. :) No dear, I don't envy you for having to update your blog regularly, not wanting to disappoint your readers.
School is the same. Suspensions and such. The mundane stuff. Day in and day out. I am not complaining. Better mundane than drama when it comes to running a school.
Last Saturday, I thought I'd take the girls to that theme park in Brunei. But since most of the people tengah gawat bulan ni, I had to forget about it for a while. Maybe next time.
Instead, I ajak diorang ke KK. Still mereka tak mau ikut. So, I don't know why, I rasa menggedik je nak ke KK minggu ni. So I went with Mimi di jantan comel.
Pagi Sabtu, bangun awal sikit dari biasa. Kebiasaannya, aku masih bergulung dalam gebar dalam area kul 10 pagi kalau orang tak bagitau apa plan diorang hari tu atau aku rasa penglibatan aku tak diperlukan dalam program diorang. Ye, aku memang pemalas bila tiba weekends. Kau apa pedulik? Well, come to think of it, aku memang pemalas through and through. Oh the perils of living on your own. Nobody cares.
Took the girls for breakfast at our favourite spot in town tu. I had wantan soup as usual. Also had pau kacang merah AND ayam beforehand. Talk about tamak. Oh, yes, I am also a greedy little bugger. Well, safe to say as I grew older, I think my favorite meal is breakfast. Lunch and dinner, kalau takde pun takpe.
Then pergi tamu. Mula-mula I followed them around. Belek-belek sunglasses. I bought two, because I dah lama tak beli, and I suka sunglasses and I like wearing them sampai rosak lepas tu campak je. So dah lama tak beli baru, I sambar la 2. One looks like the ones yang Paris H suka pakai tu, and another one is a black Aviator. Aku ni kan ala-ala jejanz sket kengkadang.
And bila bersoping dengan kengkawan aku ni, biasalah kan, gadis-gadis ni kan rajin membelek? Aku tak marah pun. Aku rajin gak membelek. Tapi tak lama, aku suka, aku sambar je. So menengokkan mereka membelek-belek barang tu aku dah rimas so, aku slow-slow membawa diri melihat bembarang yang aku memang nak beli.
Aku beli buku panduan wirid. Well, I need it. Lepas tu beli selipar comey 2 pasang. Ingat nak beli for my mom. Tapi pikir balik... I think my mom deserve better. Tatau ah, bila tengok sandal-sandal comey tu asyik teringat nak beli for me mum. My mom tu mana suka pergi pasar malam. Tak pernah dia pergi. Asyik dia suruh me go buy her stuff from there. Namanya mak aku nak pergi sendiri tengok? Sorry la. I guess bukan my mom tu malas ke apa ke.... Dia shop-a-holic. Dia takut dia borong semua barang kat pasar malam tu bawak balik. So baiklah dia hantar Toy Soldier dia yang sorang ni, namely me. Dia pun tak penat.
Then aku jumpa panties made from this thin jersey material yang I think senang dicuci dan cepat kering. I think those would come in handy when I travel nanti. So I got 10 of those. Then I beli 7 anak tudung. Yang lama dah berbulu melekat dengan benda white lint. Tah mana datang tah... and I can't seem to find most of them. Murs murs je. Dua 5 hengget. Looked for some more singlets to wear for bed, takdok plak saiz aku. Muahaha... Len kali je.
Then aku beli a new potato peeler sebab yang lama pun tah ke mana, kut dah jatuh dalam tong sampah. I hate having to peel things with just a pisau. I can do it beautifully tapi lama sangat. Leceh! Harap yang ni tak hilang lagi.
Lepas tu aku tengok sana, tengok sini... takde yang menarik perhatian. Hai sana, hai sini... maklumlah mak ni pseudo-celeb kat pekan kecik ni. kain kat tamu tu pun takde yang suits my taste. Ecewah... taste kunun. Cuba try kat Euro Moda plak, kut ye nak bertaste kan?
So dengan hasil soping aku yang tak sebebrapa tu, aku balik kat keter... aku call diorang, diorang tak siap lagi. So aku pergila lepak kat kedai makan kecik milik rakan sekerja dari sekolah lain tu. Demi jaga hati kawan (sebab aku jarang lepak kat kedai dia, cuz the girls prefer kedai tomyam kat seberang kedai kawan aku ni) aku pun order teh o ping dengan Laksa Penang. Walopung aku sudah kenyang tahap nasik masuk hidung masa tu, aku gagahkan jua menyuap laksa tersebut dengan penuh berselera. Berlakon la sesikit, tapi I didn't have to berlakon kuat sangat sebab memang laksa dia sedap pun, and aku memang kuat makan pun.
15 minutes later, they all selesai, dey all datang mintak kunci keter from me, nak simpan barang. I pun finished my meal, paid up and mintak diri. Dia tak nak amik harga teh o ping tu walaupun I berkeras suruh dia charge me. Haiya.... baik sangat la belanja me liddat. Jangan la selalu, I tak kisah bayar. Tolong kawan, kan?
Then pergi supermarket, carikan hadiah untuk Martin and Kia. Wedding mereka hari Sabtu tu, kul 10.30. Kami belikan dia set pinggan mangkuk for 4 people. Nak fancy lagi pun dah terlambat nak cari kat town kecik ni mana ada benda fancy-fancy untuk wedding gift. Balik rumah, I took another shower sebab dah berpeluh bagai nak rak maa dok kat tamu yang stuffy and smoky ittew. Siap-siap, mekap apa ke patut, blow rambut sesikit, and pergi la angkut seisi rumah pergi wedding kat church tu.
My friend tu dah buat catering for his muslim friends. Stay kejap, makan, buat photo op sket, lepas tu balik...
I hantar Z pergi jumpa murid dia kat KFC dia dah janji nak belanja over a favor he did for her. Then hantar M pergi berurut betulkan lengan dia yang terkehel masa dia jatuh kat sekolah minggu lepas. Then L volunteer nak temankan me pergi tukar mintak hitam kat kedai tu. Lepas siap cuci kereta luar and dalam, kami balik. Called Mimi and bagitau dia I am going to KK alone dengan dia je sebab yang lain tak mau ikut.
Balik rumah, I packed up some stuff. Just bawak backpack kecik je, sebab staying just one night je. Then M mintak amikkan dia kat tempat berurut tu. Siap-siap berkemas, turun, said bye bye kat the girls and bawak barang sekali, amik M kat sana, bawak balik, dropped her off at home and terus pergi amik Mimi kat flat sekolah dia about 20 minutes from town. Kami berdua je pergit this time. Tak pernah pun aku ke KK sorang2 untuk jalan-jalan sebelum ni. Sebelum ni mesti angkut the girls with me without fail. Tapi Mimi pun feels like one of the girls juga walaupun dia bukan a 'girl' tapi dia memang girlish la, so compensate la juga, tak la rasa lonely sangat.
Singgah makan kat Beaufort, makan nasi sambal. Menu wajib tu kalau singgah Beaufort. Tataulah kenapa aku suka sangat dengan nasi sambal tu, aku mesti order yang itu bila singgah Restoran Malaysia kat Beaufort tu. Suka la rasa dia.
Seronok betul Mimi bila I managed to follow this Police truck yang bawak anak-anak ikan... probably budak-budak Kadet Polis kut, on the way ke kem mana-mana. Dia pun describe la bagaimana these boys were looking at me with such awe and astonishment sepanjang aku memfolow truck mereka tu sambil aku nak memotong truck tersebut, sebab aku telah memaparkan skill bawak keter mengalahkan Michael Schumacher padahal keta aku takde la hebat benar. I was not looking at those boys pun sebab aku ni ada rimas sket bila time follow truck askar atau polis yang penuh dengan impressionable teens ni. Kat sekolah kan aku dah hadap beratus orang. Kat jalanraya pun lagi? I am not impressed. Lagipun aku segan la nak tentang mata jejanz walaupun dia budak kecik lagi. Lemah jantung gue.
Kami sampai KK dalam jam 7.13pm macam tu. Mimi kata dia dah call merata-rata tapi semua budget hotel tu dah penuh, so last-last kami rasa apa salahnya if we go stay kat a nicer place for a change. So malam tu kami stayed kat Hyatt. Tak la top sangat hotel tu, tapi tak la budget. Dengan Gov Servant rate lagi, affordable la juga.
Apa aku buat? Letih... aku mandi, pakai baju, pergi turun kejap beli Whopper kat seberang jalan tu je. Ingat nak cari mineral water kat plaza sebelah tu. Dah tutup plak by the time I had mstered the energy to go down. Sebbaik bilik ada air mineral botol ciput tu. Kalau tak, tercekik la I makan Whopper tu. Pergi juga masuk plaza tu walaupun kedai banyak yang dah tutup. I singgah kedai henpon, beli bekas henpon satu and top up card. Lepas tu balik bilik, changed and went to bed. Ingat nak tido, tapi tak mengantuk. I messaged si Mimi, tanya dia buat apa. Dia kata pergi clubbing. Sekejap je dia dah jumpa kawan. Gigih perempuan tu!
Malas aku nak kacau dia ajak pergi tengok wayang, aku terus masuk tido je. Tak sleepy pun nanti lelap juga kan? Silap la aku. Aku pergi tengok cerita seram kat Discovery terus la aku takut nak tutup lampu. Aku kat bilik hotel yang unfamiliar tu aku seram sket. Manalah tahu kang padam lampun kang macam-macam imej seram menerjah ke mata aku ni. Aku biar lampu nyala sampai pagi. Hiahahaha....
Kul 9 aku bangun. Siap-siap dengan santai and relaxed. Then kami checked out. Simpan barang dalam kereta. Round-round dalam plaza sebelah tu dekat 3 jam jugalah. I got myself 3 new dangly earrings, 2 pairs of jeans and some other stuff from the sundry store. Little things. Sambil tunggu kemeja Mimi siap di'alter' kami lunched at the Malindo place depan sundry store tu.
Then I called CitizenSierra. She was free that day so I ajak dia pergi CentrePoint for some sushi.We were there early so I decided to get a manicure. The girl did a square cut on my nails. Made them look stumpy. But at least dia tak mencucuk the palm of my hand bila I make a fist. Mimi pun waited for me to get done before he had his done too. I didn't feel like going anywhere so I stuck around while he had his nails done. The manicurist tanya I baru kahwin ke? Sebab I pakai inai di jari. Kalau aku dengan si Mimi kahwin memang la kami ni mak an odd couple. Dia dengan cam gegirlnya. Aku dengan jejanznya. Aku kata taklah, ni adik. So kami pun berlakon la sebagai adik beradik dengan menyelitkan nilai-nilai kekeluargaan dalam perbualan kami from that point on.
Pergi Vincci, jumpa a wedge yang agak menarik minat jua. Tapi sebab takde budget for shoes, aku tak beli pun. Kebelakangan ni pandai la menahan diri dari membuat unnecessary purchases. Syukur. Aku harap ianya akan berterusan!
Then Nat pun sampai. Spent a few hours with her, catching up and sharing some newfound secrets to womanly beauty. Tak sabar dia nak join me in my quest. So kami pergi la dapatkan keperluannya as soon as we were done with the sushi. Kalau menjadi ke tak menjadi, tobat aku tak nak citer kat korang apa ke mendernya kami cuba tu. Huahahaha...
I am envious of CS because now dia dah ada apartment, fully furnished lagi tu. The best part must be her bedroom because according to her, she made it up to feel like a hotel room siap dengan king-sized bed lagi. I pun naaaaaaaak!!! I nak bilik tidur macam tu jugak!!! Huhuhuhu...
You go Nat!
Lepas tu si Mimi pergi buat hal dia, me and Nat jalan-jalan pergi book store, looked for novels for Mag. Yang dia nak tu tak ada, tapi yang lain tu, 2 sekali ada, so dia kata beli je both. Then we pergi lepak kat McD plak. Takde apa sangat yang nak dilihat atau dibeli... lepak la kat kedai makan tu, sambil makan Chocolate Sundae.
Then Mimi datang joined us. It was getting late, so kami pun minta diri dulu nak teruskan perjalanan balik ke Lawas. I wish we can go to a beach somewhere next time I pergi jumpa dia kat sana. We'll see.
Balik. It was uneventful. Yang pasti kami singgah lagi kat Restoran Malaysia and pekena satu lagi round nasik sambal sebelum meneruskan perjalanan.
Sampai kat sekolah Mimi, I tinggalkan dia kat situ, sebelum tu I melawak....
"Dalam perjalanan pulang, Kak Lynette telah ternampak satu bayangan manusia menahan keretanya di tepi jalan, namun dia tidak berhenti untuk menumpangkan orang tersebut. Beberapa ketika kemudian, dia mendapati bayangan yang telah cuba menahan keretanya sebentar tadi kini telah berada di sebelahnya dan memandang ke arah kak Lynette dengan penuh perasaan marah..."
Suka benarla si Mimi tu dengar cerita seram tu. Sambil dia melambai aku nak meninggalkan sekolah tu sengsorang sambil la dia menyakat aku ... aku tau, antara aku dengan dia, dia lagi penakot!!! Huahahahah!
Seram gak tengkuk. Area yang kami lalu nak balik ke Lawas tu ada yang keras belaka. Tapi takpe, Allah kan ada? Aku baca ayat Kursi and ayat Seribu Dinar, aku pasang lagu kekuat kat radio and buat cam biasa.
Kul 9.30 aku selamat sampai kat Lawas. Aku text Nat and Mimi. Thanks for spending time with me you guys... You made my day.
Tomorrow, we'll conduct the assembly fully in English for the first time. I wonder how it would be like. Ala, once in a month je. I think these people can manage.
Aku mengantuk. Korang tak mengantuk ke baca entry merapu aku ni? Esok aku try lagi. Now mata dah kecik. Mesti tido. Papai ya'll!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
waves
Doesn't look exactly like when I was at the salon but I can't say I am unhappy with this look.
It's not ramrod straight.
What do you think?
Friday, March 14, 2008
tagged
This is a tag from CitizenSierra
Here are the rules:
* First copy and paste it.
* Do not remove any content.
* Just add One word related to your blog.
* If you don't like the concept Pls! say no?
* Our main goal is we are going to circulate our number of friends.
* The more people join the "pass it to the front" the more links we generate.
* Lastly write only one word "short" for your blogs...
* Keep it simple and short, I know some of you have more than one blogs.
* The color is only black, gray, or white plssss avoid using any color okies.Let me show you:
1.-Filipina, 2.-Darling allen, 3.-Abroad, 4.-Halfway, 5.-life,
6.-culture, 7.-interracial, 8.-pinaystories , 9.-pinaysinglelooking, 10.-health,
11.-Miscellaneous, 12. Children 13. postcards 14. photography 15. parenting.
16 Travel Sabah17. environment 18. Metamorphosis
19.outdoor 20. Nonsense
I am tagging Belladonna.
and
HannAmeen
and
AnginAngan
Here are the rules:
* First copy and paste it.
* Do not remove any content.
* Just add One word related to your blog.
* If you don't like the concept Pls! say no?
* Our main goal is we are going to circulate our number of friends.
* The more people join the "pass it to the front" the more links we generate.
* Lastly write only one word "short" for your blogs...
* Keep it simple and short, I know some of you have more than one blogs.
* The color is only black, gray, or white plssss avoid using any color okies.Let me show you:
1.-Filipina, 2.-Darling allen, 3.-Abroad, 4.-Halfway, 5.-life,
6.-culture, 7.-interracial, 8.-pinaystories , 9.-pinaysinglelooking, 10.-health,
11.-Miscellaneous, 12. Children 13. postcards 14. photography 15. parenting.
16 Travel Sabah17. environment 18. Metamorphosis
19.outdoor 20. Nonsense
I am tagging Belladonna.
and
HannAmeen
and
AnginAngan
Monday, March 10, 2008
how rude...
Have you ever had a weird conversation on the phone?
Girl :
Hello, I'm Lynette, SAII of SMK Chee Bat*. May I speak with Jessica* please?
Ahole :
Jessica'a not around, would you like to leave a message?
Girl :
Where is Jessica? This is her phone, right? Can you pass it to her? I really need to talk to her.
Ahole :
Jessica is on vacation, she didn't take her phone with her. Besides, I am his LAKI, (hate it when a man describes himself as someone's LAKI... because I know you BERLAKI with her every night, but don't have to call yourself that if you have a pencil dick and can only last 13 minutes tops) why can't I have her phone? (Because only a chauvinistic pig holds on his wife's phone).
Girl :
OK, then just tell her that Lynette from SMK Chee Bat called and wanted to talk about scholarship of two of our students that transferred to her school.
Ahole :
SMK Chee Bai? Where is this SMK Chee Bai?
Girl :
(Thinking, dude, you're from Lawas no way you don't know where Chee Bat is) SMK Chee Bat? Where? It's in Kampung Chee Bat of course.... (in her most innocent voice she could muster)
Ahole :
Hey, do you wanna talk or be disrespectful to me?
Girl :
Wha....?
Ahole :
'Click'
How can anyone blame me for being at this school in a place with such a name?
Lost my phone. Lost most numbers. Turned out, I called the wrong Jessica and this ahole had never been to Lawas. Just because you have never left your tiny little tempurung, does not mean that a place like Chee Bat doesn't exist and everyone is trying to be a smart ass like you. Poor Jessica.... she got a huge ahole for a LAKI.
*actual name has been changed.
Girl :
Hello, I'm Lynette, SAII of SMK Chee Bat*. May I speak with Jessica* please?
Ahole :
Jessica'a not around, would you like to leave a message?
Girl :
Where is Jessica? This is her phone, right? Can you pass it to her? I really need to talk to her.
Ahole :
Jessica is on vacation, she didn't take her phone with her. Besides, I am his LAKI, (hate it when a man describes himself as someone's LAKI... because I know you BERLAKI with her every night, but don't have to call yourself that if you have a pencil dick and can only last 13 minutes tops) why can't I have her phone? (Because only a chauvinistic pig holds on his wife's phone).
Girl :
OK, then just tell her that Lynette from SMK Chee Bat called and wanted to talk about scholarship of two of our students that transferred to her school.
Ahole :
SMK Chee Bai? Where is this SMK Chee Bai?
Girl :
(Thinking, dude, you're from Lawas no way you don't know where Chee Bat is) SMK Chee Bat? Where? It's in Kampung Chee Bat of course.... (in her most innocent voice she could muster)
Ahole :
Hey, do you wanna talk or be disrespectful to me?
Girl :
Wha....?
Ahole :
'Click'
How can anyone blame me for being at this school in a place with such a name?
Lost my phone. Lost most numbers. Turned out, I called the wrong Jessica and this ahole had never been to Lawas. Just because you have never left your tiny little tempurung, does not mean that a place like Chee Bat doesn't exist and everyone is trying to be a smart ass like you. Poor Jessica.... she got a huge ahole for a LAKI.
*actual name has been changed.
"He Don't Love You Like I Love You"
He don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
Tell me I should not be feeling what I am today
Tell me to silence my heart
Tell me We've been here before
and I will walk away from you love
For there is a wall between you and I
And he hasn't been treating you right
I've been watching it all
I seen you cry
And I just gotta tell you tonight
That he don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
Tell me this love's just a feeling and will pass away
Tell me your heart is a liar
Tell me you're not what I know you are
All that a man could desire
And he doesn't know, darlin, what he's got,
But I will treasure you
If you give me a chance I will make you smile
I will give you a love that is true
But he don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
So why, can you not see,
The place in your heart that was made for me
Why must you hide yourself away?
And why must you fight the way that I'm holding your hand tonight
Take a chance and give your heart to me
But he don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
But he don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
Tell me I should not be feeling what I am today
Tell me to silence my heart
Tell me We've been here before
and I will walk away from you love
For there is a wall between you and I
And he hasn't been treating you right
I've been watching it all
I seen you cry
And I just gotta tell you tonight
That he don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
Tell me this love's just a feeling and will pass away
Tell me your heart is a liar
Tell me you're not what I know you are
All that a man could desire
And he doesn't know, darlin, what he's got,
But I will treasure you
If you give me a chance I will make you smile
I will give you a love that is true
But he don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
So why, can you not see,
The place in your heart that was made for me
Why must you hide yourself away?
And why must you fight the way that I'm holding your hand tonight
Take a chance and give your heart to me
But he don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
But he don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
twins?
Is it just me, or do Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Javier Bardem look like twins?
They even make the same grooves on both sides of their mouths when they smile...
Jeffrey Dean Morgan played Denny Duquette (Izzie Steven's deceased love interest) on Grey's Anatomy.
Javier Bardem was that spooky psycho killer dude in No Country For Old Men.
Not a big deal. I am just that bored.
Javier Bardem was that spooky psycho killer dude in No Country For Old Men.
Not a big deal. I am just that bored.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
upside down
I think every bottle that contains anything with a gooey texture like shampoo, conditioner, lotion, ketchup, chili sauce, cream cheese, condensed milk, whatever, should be made with the mouth or nozzle at the bottom of it, or in a pump bottle, so we don't have to waste time shaking the dwindling content towards the nozzle that is way up there, which is physically not very gravity friendly.
What do you think?
Saturday, March 8, 2008
behold
A tiny new branch on the family tree...
Amira Batrisyia
Born March 6th, 2008,
7.00 pm
3kg +
My eldest brother's third, a girl.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
my goodness...
Am I a neutral?
No.
Am I trying to make a statement here?
Suka hati koranglah, nak assume gapow-gapow....
The opposition is supposed to be there to keep the ruling party in check.
It's one or the other....
And the Politicians should go back to school and learn more on Integrity.
Am not into politics. But I still wish I had planned to go home this break and vote.
Did this on http://www.kennysia.com/
He's one funny dude. Go check it out for yourself.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
failure
WARNING : STRONG LANGUAGE AHEAD. DO NOT READ IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT.
For some reason, I am not afraid. Usually when I am not afraid, something bad is going to happen. I hope it doesn't though.
He's just some other's school's failure trying to make new start at my school. However, I am thinking that the truth is his father is the one trying to keep him in school. If it had been up to him, he would have left earlier and never registered at my school.
He failed. I failed.
The thing is, if I am afraid of the repercussions of all my disciplinary acts, I would never have left home. We can't expel him. We can suspend him for two weeks and another two weeks and another two weeks. That police report is just so if anything happens to me (it would have been too late by then anyway) they would have a prime suspect already. Most of the teachers and students saw and heard us. The eye witness is a guy from his kampung and works at the office. He was just two feet away from me the whole time it happened.
After breakfast, I went to meet with a parent over scholarship matters, and I saw him in front of my office. I know he has been skipping classes every day for the past few days and skipping school altogether before that. We were on the verge of suspending him on that count alone. So I said to him,
"Why don't you just tell your dad you want to quit school and just do it? I'd be glad to help."
"I had been ill, Miss."
"Yeah, right. Whatever. But at this moment there is no use standing there like that, just go to your class and sit for the day's papers now. I'll deal with you later in the afternoon. Go."
He left.
About 5 minutes later I was done with the parent, so I went straight to my class. It was his class. I saw that he was not there. I asked his classmates, "Where's Ali*?"
"He hasn't been in here, Miss."
"Is that so?"
Then a kid from his class who just came back from the restroom walked in.
"Have you seen Ali?" I asked
"Yes, he was loitering behind the restroom, Miss." As I had expected.
I immediately called the guy from his kampung on my cellphone from outside the classroom. He was at the office at the time, and I asked him to go get Ali and bring the boy to the classroom, I'd be waiting for him there.
2 minutes later, I heard them coming with his voice protesting. I walked out of the classroom to get him. He saw me and he bolted.
I yelled his name and he stopped at the stairs and the guy went after him and stopped him. I went to the stairs and pulled him upwards and he brushed my hand off and we started lashing at each other at the top of our lungs.
"This is what Malays are." I fumed.
"Don't you dare talk like that about Malays, Miss."
"Why the hell not? I'm Malay, Din here is Malay. But the difference is, we're not Malay trash like you. I can and will help you only if you are willing to make some changes on your part, but if you come here expecting sympathy and unwilling to pull your thumb out of your ass, you better just forget about it. I have no time for trash like you."
He was rearing to go, wanting to strike me, his nostrils flaring and eyes were red and watery.
"I can beat you up if I want to, Miss," he growled under his quickened breath.
"Go ahead. Take your best shot." I egged him on, calling his bluff.
Instead, he walked back down the stairs and yelled back at me,
"I may not be beating you up today, but beware, I will wreck your car and I will wreck it really good. Just wait until you get to Lawas this afternoon, I will get all my posse to get you, Miss, just you wait."
"Yeah, do that. I'll be waiting. Don't forget. But right now just get your crappy ass out of my school and don't you ever dare show your face here again, we don't have any place for a motherfucking loser like you here."
I looked at Don who was dumbfounded, "Don, escort the shit out of the school, and make sure he leaves."
He did as I said. Ali threw the books he brought with him on the stairs, Don picked them up as he walked down the stairs and followed him.
I watched from the corridor above the stairs. I could see the whole school from where I was standing. But as he took quite a while, I went to the class next to mine, asked the teacher to keep an eye on my class as well, and went downstairs and followed the SOB out. He was out of the gate by the time I got downstairs, and he harrassed the guard too as he stomped out.
I saw Don standing there with the books still in his hand, I took them from him, walked to the gate, saw the SOB a distance from the gate, probably walking towards the rows of shop where he will spend the rest of the day until it is time to go home again. Loitering and drinking.
I walked to the side of the road with the books in my hand and flung them into the air. They flew and scattered for a split second before landing on the asphalt. The pages fluttered in the wind.
*names have been changed.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
stumped
Am I afraid of commitment?
Hell, no.
Do I have daddy issues?
I have no idea. But I don’t think so.
Do I talk too much, but too scared to take the plunge myself?
I guess. But I need to vent. Plunge myself into what?
Should I get a life?
I have one already. I might not be too hot for it, but I am okay with it for the time being.
Do I hate men?
*sigh*
No. I don’t hate them. I used to want to be like them. Not the sexual part of it. I used to want to be like them in terms of being strong, courageous, adventurous, independent, dependable and stable. Not anymore since I realized I can do all that and still be a lady.
It just f*cks me up when they start pointing fingers at us when something bad happens in a relationship like they are 100% blameless.
I don’t claim that women aren’t to blame at all. Some are really f*cked up and deserves to be impaled and put on display. But most of the women I know have made enough sacrifices in their lives to grant them the love and understanding of the men around them. That’s all.
Yeah, I do get all worked up when I think you’re being unfair to us because God never made a perfect man or woman so we’d need each other, no matter how much we hate each other’s guts sometimes. So quit pointing fingers at us women.
Am I desperate?
For a miserable long-term relationship with a man who doesn’t love me?
No.
For a stable long-term commitment that will grow and grow into something better and better with a man who had the patience to deal with me and all my craziness and jumbo-sized everything but at the same time have the willingness and courage to tell me that I am f*cked up and need to get my sh*t in order and be with me through the tough times even if all he could do was being silent?
Yes. But he’s taken. I can’t have that. But I’m still alive, so I am not rushing anything.
What’s going on?
Nothing. That’s the problem. It exists, but it’s not alive. Why am I bothering?
I am super marah and super benci about something but I can’t reach the dénouement because someone wishes to be a tree stump instead of being what he should be.
whatever
Would it be fair if I say this; that women marry mostly for the regular attention and affection from the opposite sex.
Other than produce asexually, women don’t need much from men. Well, I am aware of the fact of men reserve the same right as women, where apart from propagating the species and being fond of having a soft naked form snuggling close to them after a good session, they don’t really need women around. They find a lot of the female quirks irritating most of the time, but strangely still feel drawn to us when the urge strikes. Other than as something to play with and something to show off to the rest of the losers, they don’t really need women either.
They’re only proud of their female counterparts and get possessive when they are presentable or look far better than the rest of the crowd. Just look at the way of most married Malay men when they go out with their wives who had gained a few pounds and not really bothering about appearance; they’ll always maintain a distance of approximately a meter and a half from the wife, ahead of them, usually. What, with that pot belly and balding head, is distancing yourselves from your not so attractive wives, going to increase the probability of hot young things to be attracted to you? You’re ashamed of the goods you yourself have willingly helped damage in the first place and didn’t really make any half-assed attempt at fixing them up again… The irony.
What’s wrong with PDA* in public when and if you have endured a long-lasting, loving and fulfilling marriage? FYI, that is actually something to be proud of. Not the shameless hand-holding and groping in public when you’re newly in love, with all those hormones raging and, when even the fart smells like blooms in spring, not even knowing if it would end with a wonderful and lasting marriage or a botched attempt at abortion.
That’s easy. Too easy.
Hey, don’t get your panties all in a bunch. I didn’t say all the men I knew is like that. My dad wasn’t like that. My eldest brother isn’t like that. I would like to say the same about my second older brother if I ever saw him out with his ex. These women they married, aren’t exactly cut outs of models in a magazine. But they made the effort to look good. My mom is a huge but well-kept and well-dressed woman. By well-kept, I meant to say that she eats well, and the genetics didn’t hurt, so she looks younger than her real age. And she was never sloppy. I don’t think dad ever held her hand when they went out, but he always makes sure that she’s close. And I bet the jealousy-triggered rants under his breath never stopped amusing my mom.
The same goes for my two brothers and their wives. I don’t see them holding hands either, probably would be too much in front of me I guess. But they never walk too far apart when they go out and they make contact like couples should.
I’m not blaming men or women for anything. We’re just built the way we are. Some are willing to make accommodations, some don’t.
It all boils down to the chemistry and respect for each other. Love someone enough to acknowledge their rights and respect those rights. Women should not be complacent and men should not be assholes. Reaching the comfort zone is no excuse to let go. You can’t help losing hair if that’s what runs in the family, but you can help yourself from being an asshole, because it’s not really a genetic trait. The same goes for being a bitch. You can’t help developing blubber after a few kids if that’s what runs in the family and you can’t afford a personal trainer and nutritionist, but you can help from being sloppy, because that is not a genetic trait either.
It’s not the PDA, really. I just don’t see how men and women can marry and be together for long if they both want totally different things. They’d always say for the sake of the kids. Hey, kids are resilient beings. As long as you don’t keep chewing off each other’s ass every time you cross paths, and make sure the alimony is updated, I don’t think it would bother them too much having two families instead of one.
Come on… it’s just easier to gain pity from unsuspecting naives if you’re stuck in a so-called loveless marriage than if you decide that it is time to be independent and cut off the tethers that’s been preventing you from soaring higher.
Or is divorce simply too expensive, especially when it is with a vindictive spouse? So instead of preparing for that ugly battle, why not invest in the nurturing process more?
Affection and attention; those are the only things I really need in a relationship. I don’t think that is too much to ask of anyone who is willing to invest his time and emotions in a long-term and fulfilling relationship. The rest of it will come with the O&D** Package that usually comes with matrimony.
I just need some attention and TLC. Otherwise I can just forgo the whole relationship thing. Honestly, I do get lonely sometimes, but not THAT lonely to want to be miserable in an unhappy long-term relationship with anyone.
No, not THAT lonely.
*Public Display of Affection
*Obligation and Devotion Package
an episode
On the way home from school yesterday, I drove into the gas station and parked my car in front of one of the pumps. I was feeling lethargic after spending 10 minutes on the nebulizer machine at the clinic earlier, so I asked if Z could help me fill up the tank. She had never done it before, so she said she’ll try. She went and paid for the gas, and came back to get the pump going. But it wouldn’t reset itself when she unhooked the pump head. She did it again and again. The pump attendants kept yelling at the attendant at the cash register telling her to reset the thing. She did a few times already and every time she did she gave the thumbs up meaning that we can go ahead and pump gas. But the damned thing still wouldn’t reset itself. So the attendants asked me to move my car to another pump. But by this time, there was already a huge 15-seater van trundled and parked its huge ass right behind my car, and after seeing all the trouble and stressing situation with the yelling and arguing between the attendants, his stupid face just told me he is not going to budge from that place when I motioned to him to back out a little so I could move my car to the next pump. His understanding came too late because by the time he started to reverse his car, I already didn’t give a shit who I will hit if I drive forward and make a quick swerve into the one way lane back into the gas station next to another unoccupied pump. I was reckless. Irresponsible. Once parked, I switched off the engine and broke down and cried. I didn’t care who saw me as I cupped my face with the sunglasses still on, in both of my hands and cried. My shoulders heaved as I was overcome by enormous sobs. I could hear Z distracting the pump attendant by asking her to get on with the filling up of the tank, when she asked what was wrong with me because she always sees me happy and always cheerful. I know these people. I always talk to them as I fill up my own tank. I would always be joking and smiling and laughing. They have no idea.
Once Z got back in the car, I pulled out of the gas station and drove like a maniac swerving here and there just to get home as quickly as I could. I went straight to my room, changed, washed my face and went to bed. I didn’t wake up till four hours later.
I was not embarrassed. I am way beyond that. But I was sorry for Z being caught in that situation when I really needed that moment of release. I don’t like making her feel uneasy. But I couldn’t help feeling overwhelmed by anger and frustration over some of the things I haven’t been able to handle very well these few days.
My asthma came back. The cold air at night and the cold water I have to bathe in in the morning is not helping me. I have the Ventolin Evohaler to help me, but the coughing was getting worse. I have trouble sleeping. It’s been more than two weeks since it started. I finally went to the clinic yesterday.
My cellphone was stolen again. By the same motherf*cker. How do I know? I know. I feel violated. Having to work with him makes it even worse.
I have other very personal things that’s been percolating in my head these few weeks that I am having trouble to overcome. I have no one to talk about them with. I have no way of helping someone very important to me. I couldn’t help when that person is in need. What kind of person does that make me?
I haven’t been sleeping well the past few weeks. All these thoughts haunts me. It makes me feel rotten inside. I can’t shake them off like I normally could with other issues of my life.
Happiness is a choice? Not when some of the things in your life is out of control and each day brings with it more and more proof that you are not worth the life you have and the easiest way out is that Exit on your wrist.
Note to self :
Life is never easy. You know you wouldn’t like it as much if it was, right? This will all come to pass and everything will be all right. In the end, it will always be all right. Everything will fall into place. You do want to be able to look back and be proud, knowing you handled them well, don’t you?
I have an inkling of what’s wrong with me. But that’s all self-diagnosis so far. And although I do have suicidal tendencies, I have enough self-worth to understand that no matter how low I fall, there is always hope for me to climb back up. And I keep coming back. I tell my kids here, suicide is never the answer because I believe in that. I strongly believe in that. I’ll never do it. I hope.
But what’ll happen when work doesn’t cut it anymore? When those who depend on me doesn’t matter anymore? When eternity in hell will not be so bad anymore? When it’s okay for me to give up…What then?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)