ambuyat

It's 12.10 am and I am in the livingroom, alone, with a bowl of steaming hot ambuyat.

This was my fifth try, and I finally got it right! I have been in Sarawak for eight years, but this is the first time I ever made my own ambuyat. I have only had it a few times before when I visit the local's houses. It is basically tasteless, but with a good dip, it would be almost heavenly.

Why do I suddenly feel compelled to try to make it on my own? Entahlah, tak pernah rasa macam nak makan ambuyat selama ni. Tapi lepas diajak join sekali makan ambuyat oleh pemilik restoran yang kami selalu pergi tu, sehari sebelum puasa, terus teringat nak buat sendiri.

First time buat, I got the mixturejadi macam air kapur je. I threw that into the sink. I tried again. That time, terlalu pekat bancuhan tu sampai bila tuang air panas, dia berketul-ketul pulak. Buang jugak. Takut sakit perut pulak hosmet aku makan benda tu.

Satu bungkus tu bahagi dua, dah tak merasa la makan ambuyat malam tu cuz dua kali try, dua kali tak jadi.

Esok tu pergi sekolah aku tanyalah my colleague how to make ambuyat. Dia ajar lah aku, tapi biasalah, kalau tak hands-on ni, susah nak tahu exactly what to do and what to expect with things yang foreign to me ni kan?

So semalam, I tried again. This time, I bahagi tiga the powder tu, cuz kalau bagahi dua pun banyak sangat. Rasanya tak terhabis pun. Bahagi tiga pun cuz takut tak betul buat lagi and tak jadi pulak and tak merasalah malam tadi juga.

First try pun tak jadi. Tuang je air panas, terus aku kacau bagai nak gila. Puas la aku kacau sampai berpeluh-peluh la ni... tapi tak juga dia mau jadi jernih macam yang aku biasa tengok kalau makan kat rumah orang tu. Dia jadi putih macam glue dalam botol tu. Sambil aku kacau tu aku call la kawan aku ni tadi. "Kak! Kenapa dia jadi putih cam glue ni?" "You buat cemana?" aku ceritalah. Dia pun terus terangkan balik semula cemana nak buat. I hung up and buang the first mix, and started to make a second batch.

Mix dulu dengan air sejuk. Lepas tu tuang air panas sampai bancuhan tu jadi kenyal. Tapi kali ni mungkin airnya dah kurang panas, so dia berbelang and berketul. Tapi better than the last one. So we tried tasting that je la. OK la kut, sebab hari ni tadi tak kena sakit perut. Huhuhu.

Malam ni gue tak leh tido cuz gue risau apa pun gue tatau. So gue tengok tv sengsorang. Lepas tu gue teringat ada lagi sikit serbuk ambuyat kat dapur. The dip pun ada lagi from the last time. Huhuhuhuh... maybe I should try it again.

Bancuh dengan air sejuk. Panaskan air sampai mendidih. Tuang dalam campuran tu tadi dengan buat pusingan dengan cerek tu, sampai adunan jadi kenyal. Stop tuang air, biar dia menjernih (masak) and dah t u barulah kacau. Exactly the way my friend tu ajarkan. Jadi!

So finally, keinginan mak nak makan ambuyat tercapai. Walaupun tengah malam buta cam ni, sambil tengok cerita Firestarter and menaip blog. Tapi kalau dah sejuk, ambuyat tak sedap.

Sambal ambuyat mak simple je, ala-ala sambal belacan. Ada udang kering, belacan, cili api extra sikit and limau nipis dan garam secukup rasa. Nak buat dengan binjai jeruk, mak tak pandai. Tapi yang ni pun okay sudah. Lain kali mak nak cuba buat dengan buah bambangan atau binjai plak. Kalau jumpa benda-benda tu.

Esok mak nak bawak kengkawan mak pergi KK. Tataulah kenapa mak rasa gatai nak berjalan je. Mak bukan banyak duit nak bersopping pun. Tapi mak rasa cam tak betah duduk kat umah la. Resah gelisah. Tataulah kenapa. Asik nak pergi mengelinjang jeh.

Tapi sebenarnya mak macam have second thoughts about going, sebab mak ada issues tak selesai tentang kerja. Tapi takkan la mak nak cancel janji dengan kawan-kawan mak tu. Tak sampai hati mak mengecewakan mereka. Auw!

Tadi tah kenapa, mak masak banyak betul untuk berbuka, padahal mak berbuka dengan hosmet mak yang sorang ni je.

Mak masak black pepper beef, ikan tongkol masak kari, ikan kekisi masak teow chew, mixed vegetables yang ada snowpeas, jagung and carrots with baby kailan, ada choice of sambal belacan and tempoyak to dip with kacang botor. I also made santan durian, yang prompted my Kelantanese hosmet to cook some pulut sebab mereka usually makan pulut dengan durian macam tu. My mom ajar tu makan dengan nasik je, with ikan goreng. Sedap sangat. Lemak lemak manis gitu. Tadi mak singgah bazaar, rambang mata sikit. Mak beli durian empat biji, langsat sekilo (untuk sekali makan je, cuz mak tak suka simpan buah, selalu buang je nanti) mak beli kuih, seringgit, sebutir setiap jenis, lepas tu makcik tu kasi lagik, sedekah katanya, sebab mak selalu beli kat kedai dia kut, and mak pernah ajar cucu lelaki dia. Dia ajak mak raya kat umah dia raya ni. Katanya alang-alang je aku balik sebab dah tinggal 2 hari puasa. Mak kata kesian la kat my mom, cuz memang I spend most of my year here. Dia kata pujuk lah my mom so she would be okay about it, cuz dia pun 'mak' I jugak. Lawak betul la makcik tu. Then mak nampak begedil. Mak selalu buat je kat umah, tapi sebab hari ni baru balik dari taklimat untuk pengawas-pengawas mak untuk pmr ni, dah lewat, lagipun we are out of potatoes kat umah tu. Z pun napping masa I called her at home. Ingat nak ajak dia pergi bazaar. Tapi malas nak tunggu dia, lagipun takde nak beli apa sangat mula-mulanya. So mak pergi sorang je. Mak beli lagi satu peket tepung ambuyat kat pasar. Kut mak nak cuba lagi malam ni. Tapi mak ada lagi yang from the last time I bought, mak buat yang tu je la. Ada juga mak beli tau foo fah. Mak suka tu. Baru hari ni je mak beli. And mak beli jambu air kat pasar. Sedap makan cicah kicap, belacan and cili.

Balik tadi mak start masak, Z pun dah ada kat dapur, potong daging. Mak nak jalan pergi KK esok, so that's why mak nak kosongkan petisejuk, sebab malam esok and malam seterusnya pun mak tak masak la. Simpan punya simpan nanti rosak pulak.

Tapi memang tak habisla makan tadi. Kami berdua je malam ni. Bukan macam malam tadi ada dua orang kawan sekerja we all joined us kat umah ni malam tadi. So ni tadi mak masuk dalam plastic containers and put them away in the fridge. Nanti kalau nak makan, panaskanlah. Tapi mak jarang makan benda yang mak dah simpan dalam fridge. Bukan eksyen. Malas. And mak rasa cam lain je dah makanan tu bila reheat. Mak bukan ada microwave nak memudahkan kerja-kerja pemanasan tu.

Mak mengantuk la. Tapi mak belum nak naik tidur. Esok mak drive nanti mak mengantuk plak. Mak ni tak berdisiplin betul hen it comes to my sleeping hour. Tapi mak ni kuat tidur orangnya.

Tak sangka, dalam masa kurang 2 minggu, mak akan balik kampung untuk beraya dengan keluarga mak. Mak rindu dengan my mom. Selalu call, my mom cakap dia tak sihat. I kesian my mom, nak ajak dia tinggal sini. Tapi dia tak nak. I don't want to go to KL and be miserable dengan work and life there. So cemana? Kesian my mom. Nasib baik ada my sister and my older brother kat sana.

Minggu ni mak malas update. Mak takde mood nak hidup. Hmm... taklah. I am just going through a low on my mood swings. I can't wait till the school year is over.

Sedapnya ambuyat!

pagi ini

It's 5.09am and I have just posted my third entry for the evening. And I have not gotten a wink of sleep. Am I crazy?

I am gonna get a shower and get dressed. I am so gonna be in trouble at the briefing. Janganlah aku asyik tersengguk-sengguk at the briefing nanti. Or maybe something even worse would happen having talked badly of a person on my blog.

Is that guilt? Perhaps. But I am relieved, at least. For having listed down the why's of my abhorring that person whom I used to share bathrooms with.

I miss my mom. I miss my sister. I miss home. I wanna go home and be the daughter and sister again even just for a while. This business of being the tyrant is losing its lustre. For the time being. Because it is September and it's just a few weeks before the end of the school year and I am bogged down with burdens seen and unseen. I can't wait for it to be over so I can start all over again. Clean slate.

Apa ke'jad'nya aku cakap pasal clean slate subuh-subuh buta ni?

Okay, I need to mandi and solat subuh. Banyak dosa nak ditebus, as you can see.

Enjoy!

kemenyampahan tahap cipan

I have promised to myself that the only person I am gonna talk badly about in here is N, when I get exceptionally mad at him, or myself, when I know I am constantly making boo boos in my life. Or maybe some random stranger making a mess of himself trying to scare me into submission like the immigration idiots at the borders. It's just too juicy for me to leave out.

I just wanna remind myself that I really don't want to tarnish this place by ranting about people I hate at work. It's okay for other people to do it because I know, sometimes we need to vent. I vent too as you can see in my earliest posts. I used to do it online in real time with JEB. But then we have gone kaput, I had to find other avenues.

I just strongly believe that I should not waste my limited supply of brain cells thinking or talking about people I don't like in this world, because there are better things to write about in here other than things that would remind me of how much I loathe someone at work so much so that I even bothered making it and entry in here.

Okay, I am gonna be weak and tell you that she is a cheeky smart ass and an attention whore to boot who loves to hear herself talk because when she is around her voice is the only thing you will hear as long as she is there. She never knows when is the right time to freakin' shut up. Do you know anyone like that in your life? I know I can be quite the diva at work too, always having to get things done my way and always getting what I want, but I know when to shut up. I might bust my caps with her one day, but for now, I am happy just letting her have her little victories. To think I taught her how to drive and be calm on the road no matter what the assholes around her is gonna do when she stalls and taught her the little things in life and to say nice things about the people of the great nation of KELANTAN. Gosh, I know not ALL Kelantanese people are like her. Z is delightful. And Selangorians aren't all that pleasant either. But why do these strange beings that only started learning to use BM properly when they left their cocoon of a state, despite our efforts in letting our guards down and accept them, always have to end up pig headed and berlagak bagus? I'm sorry Z. I don't hate your state. I just hate how some people from your state always have to be that way.

Case in point;
1. "Saya tak makan maggi"
She claims that she doesn't eat maggi or other junk food cuz her parents never 'taught' her to indulge in those things for they would contaminate the body. Sort of like my body is a temple kind of shit. As if my parents had a wall chart teaching me what kind of junk food is tasty and what's not so tasty when I was a kid. Is it because of health issues or they couldn't really afford it, since she has like 20 siblings. I don't know. But the funny thing was, she whalloped the maggi when me or Z cooked it! We don't always take maggi, but we always have a stock of these instant noodles for when the mood strikes kind of thing. An we don't just boil water and drop in the noodle and stir in the seasonings. We add stuff to it, so that by the end of the cooking it would look more like a steamboat than a bowl of pathetic maggi mee. Z'd always ask, "Ada sesiapa nak makan maggi tak?" I would always say either "Nak, nak, nak!" or "Kalau ada orang nak masak, akak tak pernah tolak..." depending on my mood. But she should always, haughtily say, "Takpelah, tak makan." But once it was ready with all the sausages and vegetables and eggs all steaming hot, she would grab a plate and meekly take a portion enough to feed three Calista Flockharts! Okay, that was an exaggeration, but the point is, she ate it. Why did she say "Tak makan," in the first place?

2. She slurps her soup like a crazy lunatic duck.
It makes me wanna puke hearing her do that. I don't slurp. Even though I am not of high society, I know it is rude and I don't do that no matter how hot the soup is.

3. She is a religious teacher, but it seems like she sometimes forgets that she is one.

4. She doesn't say it, but she has that "Holier than thou" vibe about her.

5. She gets all dizzy and giggly when the male species shows interest in her.
Why does this bother me? She treats all their advances like a marriage proposal and she doesn't stop ranting about it until a week later. Is she pretty? Not really, but she is not ugly either. She is on the average scale. But the thing is, she has that damsel in distress thing going on, and I know what that does to men. There was once, when she went for her interview, where one of the interviewer was a middle-aged Dato' who kept eyeing her throughout the interview and asking her questions that aren't supposed to be asked during a job interview. But the fact that the horny old goat gave her his room number made the hair on the back of my neck stand because I know what horny goats some people become at that age. Heck, if you can undress an untazah with your eyes, don't you think that is inappropriate conduct for a man in his position and at his age? In that situation. Maybe it's just me, but it's darn creepy. But no, she couldn't stop talking about it for months afterwards. And she was proud of it. I get that all the time, but I don't go touting the tale to everyone I meet. When I am not too sarcastic, I remind myself that she is young and that she was not used to all that attention yet because all these times, she had been segregated from the male species, what with going to KUSZA and studying Religious Studies at the uni. There was no way that she could have had the same liberties with men then than what she has now that she is in my company. It's been 4 years and she still hasn't changed. It obviously got to her silly little head.

6. She never cooked.
She helps. But she never cooked. When I asked her why, she gave me a whole lot of shit ass excuse. Her favourite being I am a helluva cook that I intimidated her from serving her kind of food. I tried time and again to convince her that I am not a great cook, cuz I merely cook things my mom taught me and the things I feel like eating like pasta and such and that is no reason not to have variety by serving the Kelantanese dishes she knows. She never did. The only time I knew she cooked was two years ago, during Ramadhan, when I was away on a course. I thank God when she moved out. I am not gonna take the blame if she was just too lazy ass to cook and left every meal up to me. I am no fookin' tukang masak peribadi datuk nenek hang. Gheti?

7. She never cleaned up the house.
She never cleaned the downstairs bathroom. The gunk from soapy water that is discharged by the washing machine needs to be washes. She never did. We used to share the same adjoining bathroom. She never cleaned it! It was all up to me. She never vacuumed. She only mopped the livingroom floor when I told her to. And that was only one time. She never took the garbage out on her own accord. I didn't assign duties because I hate seeing timetables on the walls of my house and I thought anyone in this house should treat it like a home and tend to its needs like one's own. She obviously was happy living in a pigsty she calls her room. OMG. Her room! Augh!!!

8. She is conceited.
She believes, with full conviction, that everything about her is most definitely better than other people. Be it looks, money, family, relationships, behaviour, level of attractiveness, amount of pahala, etc. etc.

9. She strongly believe that only devastatingly beautiful people have strong and happy marriages.
She was baffled beyond words when Era Fazira was divorced. We ugly, lowly mere human beings do not have a chance like a snowflake in hell to have a happy and strong marriage because to her, only beauty will hold a man's heart. How shallow can anyone be?
But then, why does she flirt so much? Does she have a warped view of her true self or something?
My housemate Z is not drop dead gorgeous, but she is not ugly either, and she is a little on the plump side. But that's normal. Z used to have a jealous boyfriend. And she also have many male admirers, cuz she is a pleasant young woman to be with. One day Z thought she needed to vent, and confided in this person about what happened between her and her jealous bf, her coming from the same state as she is, the the 'klik' thing la. Z added that she said "I look like this pun abang nak cemburu," And you know what she said? She said this and I quote, "Z gemuk macam ni pun dia nak jeles?" Berani mati kau...? Bleh?

10. She trivializes other people's value of friendship.
Our mutual friend finally got a transfer back to Perak. We were buddies way before she came along. She knew him through me. But when he moved away, she bawled her eyes out, at every mention of his name even after a few weeks afterwards. That behavior prompted me to say, "You act like he moved to hell, and not to a better place. Lawas is not a bad place, but he was clearly miserable because he is not very well-accepted here. He needs to be among his kind (yes, he is that 'kind', but he was a lovely friend. We used to kutuk her because we both didn't like her much, but she tags along wherever I go, it was inevitable that she eventually thinks she is 'friends' with him)." "And what are you trying to tell me with all this crying that you are doing these past few weeks? Are you trying to tell me that because I am not crying so the value of my friendship with him is worth less than your friendship with him?" She quit doing that in front of me afterwards.

11. She buys things so she can brag about how much it is worth and what good taste she has.
I beg to differ. And gosh, I have seen people with better buys and steals who chose not to prattle on and on about their treasures or junk, whatever you wanna call them. Oh, and don't let me get started on her favourite monthly quote that goes like this..."Dah dekat hujung bulan ni, duit banyak lagi kat bank, tak tahu nak buat apa..." every time it was close to pay day. Do you know anyone who does this?

12. She is a messy eater.
I can understand how some men are messy when they eat with pieces of food on their lips and surrounding area. I don't get it when a girl does it. And she doesn't wash her hand with soap at the sink, just wash it using the water in the teapot thing these malay restaurants always have. Then when she thinks I am not seeing, she'd smell her fishy smelling hand.

13. She always looks down on other people.
I know they don't ask for it, but I really pity her new housemates. But now she cooks. At least that is a plus.

14. She feels that just because she does things for people, she owns them.

15. She flirts.
Every chance she has and she'd really have difficulty understanding if men are not interested in her and instead, direct their attention to the other lady teachers at our school. As if these other lady teachers are not as attractive as she is. She can be so full of herself that she forgets that not all men are tasteless.

16. She keeps scores on every mistake I make so she could gloat.
She is so clumsy at the restaurant, she always drops the spoon or the fork onto the floor and getting her sleeve in the gravy and such. But I always avert my eyes to save her the embarrassment. But when I did it, once, she looked at me with that look of disgust, like she never did that before.
I am a fairly good driver, but one thing I hate doing is actually looking back while I reverse the car. I depend wholly on the rearview mirror, not even caring for blind spots, but I know that there will be a time when that would get me into trouble. But I didn't really care, cuz I am so very lazy to actually turn myself round to actually look where I was going when I go in reverse. Adala sekali tu, actually that was the second time, but I assure you both time tak ada apa-apa masalah cuz I'd usually ease on the gas paddle when I do that, so kalau terkena apa-apa pun, it would not be anything major. But still, I admit, that is the biggest flaw in my driving. Anyway, I bumped into this other car. The driver was not mad at me, in fact it was over sooner than how it all started. But I was feeling miserable anyway because I was thinking that I had tarnished my almost flawless record with another silly bump. And what did she say the minute we stepped out of the car at home? "Itu dah kali kedua kan, akak langgar kereta orang?"
Am I paranoid and ultra sensitive or is she keeping score and being a bitch about it? You tell me.

17. She is so full of herself.
I taught her some of the things she knows today, on what to eat and why vegetables are crucial in our diet, how to drive, how to put make up on. What looks good on her. Shoes. I brought her into my circle of male friends. But now she seems like she has forgotten who she was when she first came here. I have our old photos. She had come a long way from that day. That person.

18. She is the biggest chicken I have ever met since highschool.
What's wrong with being scared of things you can't see, you ask? Hey, I am scared too sometimes, but at least I am woman enough to own up to it. But she just never ever wants to admit it! Let me lay it out for you.
People say there are ghosts in this house. Sure, why not. This place was a jungle way back then and they leveled everything up to build a housing development. Of course there might be unseen beings who are reluctant to leave these grounds. However, me being ESP impaired, have never, not even once during the times I had to be in this house alone for weeks on end when they were away, had come across any kind of manifestation of any sort. She on the other hand claims to hear things and feel things and get suffocated at night like something was laying on top of her on and on and on. OK, fine. She has all this manifestations in her room. Better hers than mine.
Then, she asked me to change the Astro subscription from the normal package with movies and news channels to sports because she claims and I quote "Saya minat sangat bola nih, Piala Dunia dah dekat, lepas tu nanti English Premier League pulak. Saya nak tengok bola sampai pagi nanti ni."
So I did, thinking that she would do just that. The numbers of times she watched football on TV, downstairs, alone, with the room down there being the other room being haunted? Nada, zilch, kosong, zero, tak pernah, haram sekali pun. We'd venture to tease her about it, in a friendly manner, kata dia penakut, dia pi bantai mengamuk, and flat out denied that she was scared of anything. Apa ke'jad'nya?

19. Tak padan bonsai, tapi kaki gaduh.
I am not a peaceful soul myself and I have had my share of arguments with people twice my age and even superior. But those are times when I stood for the right things or maybe I was being pig-headed. Whatever. However, I do realize the right time to argue and the right time to shut up and listen to the message the other party is trying to put across. But she always finds that any situation is suitable for confrontation.

Here is my case.

I was teaching her to drive. No, I do not have the license to teach driving, but I did it with utmost care. I know it was gonna be fun for me and for her. And I thought that would give her a leg up when it comes time for her to get her own driver's license. Anyway, that one day, we were in KK at her sister's place, her sister said why don't we take her smaller second car which was a Kancil for practice that afternoon, to which we agreed. So we took the car, I had to drive it out of the steep driveway in reverse to get it onto the main road because she still could not do that then. But the road was winding and we couldn't really see what was coming from the other side of the bend. The cars there were mostly pickups and they are so fast probably because they are used to the road. But this pig-headed person, drove like she was sort of like a stunt driver, wanting to show off to me, for some reason. I told her " Jangan makan jalan orang, jalan ni berliku tak nampak apa yang datang around the bend, nanti terkam kereta orang." Dia degil tetap bawak kereta laju-laju padahal baru berapa hari je pegang stereng. Aku sound lagi. "Kau ni kenapa? Jangan laju, area ni tak sesuai bawak laju, berliku, tak nampak kereta datang dari arah sana, laju-laju pulak tu. Kalau eksiden karang, dah la kau tu tak ada lesen, kereta ni kakak kau punya pulak. Banyak bala dari faedah nanti."
Dia perginya marah aku balik, kata aku membebel! Boleh? Kurang ajar tak? Dah la kepala batu, kurang ajar pulak tu.
So aku kata, fine, bawak la kau sendiri, kalau eksiden nanti, mari la kita mampus sama-sama, k? tapi bila sampai bukit, sebab degil kepala batu dan berlagak pandai kan? So aku takde la remind her to shift to lower gear nak panjat bukit. Not even halfway up, kereta tu stalled and came to a stop. Enjin pun mati. Baru dia gelabah. She looked at me and said, "Kak, nak buat cemana ni?" Oh is that not a situation nak balas dendam? I said, "Hah, bukan dah pandai ke tadi? Buat la apa yang patut." Dah terhegeh-hegeh terkemut-kemut tak tahu nak buat apa, so I pulled the emergency brakes and told her to step on the clutch so that I could free the gear. "Ha, start the engine." She started it. Then she didn't do anything.

"Tunggu apa lagi? Masuk gear satu, pijak minyak, lepas handbrake, jalanla..."
"Tolong tukar gear kak...."
"Apsal pulak? Tangan ko kenapa?"
"Nak pegang stereng...." itu la jawapan dia kaki gaduh and degil tu, bila dan menggelabah tahap tenuk cam tu.

My second argument to the case in point;
We were in KK, it was after 8pm and we were headed to the airport. I can't really remember why we were going there, but there was C and that person with me in the car. C was in the back. I was cruising at quite a speed as I took a left exit into the airport compound, not realizing that that road would join the other road bringing people from the north side. And aku bertembung dengan siapa malam tu and hampir nak melanggarnya...? Polis trafik, nko.... yang naik Harley putih, baju putih dengan knee-high boots tu. These guys berdua, on seperate bikes, and aku nak langgar diorang as we were both entering the airport compound. Aku pun stop my car right behind their Harleys.

Bottomline, I know for a fact that I was wrong. I should have yielded for the people coming from my right and I should not have driven so fast. I am a speed demon, you see. And the road had shrubberies and not properly lit. And I totally forgot about the other road. Anyway, that is not an excuse for such conduct. So what else could I have done than to just shut up while he gave me a mild talking to, admitted my mistakes and apologized, promising to do my best not to repeat the same mistake. I was let off scott-free.

He was nice enough not to yell at me and make me cry. He was stern and firm. But not rude. I respect him for having such composure. If it was me, habislah kau aku maki sampai lunyai.
Dah selesai kes tu, what did this person say to me?

"Baiknya akak, kalau saya, saya dah maki dia balik tadi."
Korang rasa kalau aku tampar mulut dia sampai berdarah, layak tak dia terima, masa tu kerana membawa sentimen berbau batu api ni in a stressful time like that?

And when she got her license, she had the nerve to berlagak yang her license tak P like mine was for a whole two years. Her P was for her motorbike license and it was over by the time she got her driver's license. For some freakin' reason, that is how things are in our country. So that the little b*atch can gloat nonsensically over something as petty as that. At least I got it fair and square. She, I don't know if it was true, but this is right from the horse's mouth. She bergaduh and melawan every word the JPJ person said masa ujian, sampaikan orang tu dah malas nak layan, and just gave her a pass. Honest to goodness, that's what she told me.

Oh there is more. But these are just some of the major peeves I and my current housemate have with her.

But there is a gem I would like to share with you. She bought the washing machine, but we both use it, because it seemed only fair that she rides in my car every day to school, right? One day, she and I got our effeminate guy friend who transfered back home I told you earlier and we went for a ride. As we were talking, the issue of the washing machine came up. She said something along the line "Kalau akak (apatah aku tak ingat dah) nanti saya tak bagi akak guna washing machine saya." My friend yang fonen tu memang cepat menjawab, and dia pun bukan housemate kitorang so he could take that liberty of saying that thing he said next, in reply to her. "Alah kak, kalau dia tak bagi akak guna washing machine tu takpelah, biar dia pergi sekolah naik washing machine tu pagi-pagi. Kita tengok cemana nanti, ye kak?" Boleh? Laserina sangat! Kan? Mak suker!

Well, I might be guilty of some of the crimes that she commit, but this is my blog and I may be contradicting myself with this entry. Who the fuck cares? At the end of the day, this is my blog and I can write about most things I want to and if you find that this entry is not up to par with the usual servings, you may leave.

But trust me, she is a total ...

And I do realize that this entry is petty. Not classy at all. In bad taste. Whatever you wanna call it. But sometimes, it just makes you feel good to be able to come out with it.

But aren't you just glad that I finally have something to say that is not about N?

boil

J said something about 'membuka peking di dada' in her comments for me. I am not upset with her, because I know where she is coming from with that. She is not the type yang suka bising-bising about the embarrassing things in her life. But I am not like her.

I am not saying that I like to canang the realities of my life that are sometimes not too pleasant. But then again, I am the type who can't keep things bottled up. I don't like talking about things with any of my colleagues, even my housemates because I don't connect with anyone on that level.

I need to rant and curse and be mad and break everything down to smaller pieces until I am satisfied. Only then I can move on with my life. That's why I wrote N so many letters, ranting about stuff when I was having that difficult time with him. He responded to most of them his very calm and collected way, that gets to me even more. I stopped bothering as the anger subsided.

But I think J was referring to the bit where I wrote the open letter to her about that guy who decided to pop back into her life now that she is happily married. In the process, I have even managed to include my sordid affair with a married guy.

Let me tell you, while I may never forgive myself for being so weak, I might forget my mistakes and go all 'mightier than thou' preaching mode. But I never for once, condoned what I had done and I have included that sorry bit of my life in the letter so that she would be able to learn how shitty it made me feel and how shitty it sounds coming from your best friend, so that she would never ever even think about rekindling anything with anyone who was never meant to be. No matter how hard things are gonna be between her and Ameen, I just want this sad, sad 'pekung di dada' of my life to be an example. That it could happen to the most 'hati besi' kind of person. That it is so easy to succumb to pleas. To feel sorry for people who are so-called living in misery with the family he already had. It was a different case with JEB. But still, now that it has happened, no matter what I do or say to myself to make me feel better about it, I will never feel the same way I did before.

That was why, I feel more than elated when someone did come along to slap me back into sense and actually tell me not to go ahead with such foolishness and come back to reality.

Shameful, shameful blight of my past, but I need to put it in here so that I will remember. I know J doesn't need it. But I need it. So the so-called opening of the boils on my chest had to be done, so that hopefully, I will be humbled into realizing that not everything is in black and white because humans are complex beings and no matter how hard you try, you will stumble, but after all the pain is gone, you have to pick yourself up and face the world and make the best of what you have learned.

I always learn it best the hard way.

So you see, it wasn't for J, really. It was for me because I never want to be in that dark place in my life again.

rejoice

I am going to Limbang tomorrow morning for an exams briefing. It is just a short trip, but I here I am, having that anxiety as always.

Right before a trip, I will have this thing where I am not really nervous, but I just can't sleep. Maybe it was also because of the 3 glasses of iced nescafe my housemate made for berbuka puasa today. I seldom have coffee after 12 noon, for fear of not being able to go to sleep later on. But then, I am always had trouble sleeping before a trip. But since tomorrow was gonna be just Limbang, I wonder if my pre-trip anxiety is just getting worse now that I don't travel as much as I used to, when I was still new in this profession.

It's close to 3.00 am and I am watching Kathy Griffin on YouTube. Get a life, you say? I wish. I really would like to get some sleep, even if it is just gonna be 2 measly hour of the 8 that I'd usually need to function well the next day. I'd probably sleep all the way there and also at the briefing and embarrass myself. I should train myself not to get too worked up over a trip somewhere because that is not healthy. And I really should lay off the caffeine after 1pm. I was worried that my housemate was feeling a little down cuz her laptop won't start and our friend the computer geek told her that it is not the software, it is the hardware. So I said, you can make whatever you want for iftar, deary.

I made masak lemak daging with pucuk ubi. Missing my mom's cooking actually. She makes kick-ass everything cuz she likes to 'kick it up a notch' with everything. Mine was not exactly pitiful, but it couldn't beat my mom's masak lemak daging with pucuk ubi. I also made some sambal belacan to go with the left over blanched pucuk ubi. I haven't had pucuk ubi with sambal belacan since like, forever. And I am so into greens. I even take the small peria (some people call it peria katak [barf!]) as ulam.

Petang tadi we went to the market to get some fish for the pegedil ikan. On the way back to the car, we walked through the bazaar and ended up with a piece of roti canai, and some kuih. I ate my karipap, but I can't eat my seri muka and kelupis after my rice meal. I eat a lot. But fasting must have shrunk my bottomless pit somewhat to make me feel full. But I think that is also age. I know once, when I was in uni, being depressed some of the time, I was able to finish 2 giant plates of rice and all the good stuff, to my mother's delight, who is a fiend when it comes to cooking. It's not like that anymore and that has been since... I don't know.

Anyway, I love Ramadhan. I have a reason to skip breakfast and lunch and not feel guilty because my housemate would have to starve along with me because she would be fasting along with me. I know we have to eventually come to the end of it and celebrate the 1st of Syawal, but really, I don't know if I am committing a sin here by saying that, but sometimes, I wish I can have Ramadhan all year long.

I know, that is crazy, nasty and horrible. People might ask, what if it really happens and we all go through famine or something? Then what? I don't know. I am not saying I hate Raya and all that jazz. Maybe it is bad of me to say that I prefer Ramadhan than Syawal. It's not just the constant feeling of bloatedness that comes along with Syawal, it is also the dreaded visits of family, relatives and friends. And then it is also the valid excuse my mom would have to be able to drag me all over the place to meet with relatives I never knew we had, without me whining about having to go. Selfish, childish me. But that was then. When I was younger. Now that I am older, I realized the value of keeping the relationship alive. But I still pick my allies because I was bitten once, and I don't think I can bare letting myself being bitten again.

Besides, I am not saying this because I am bitter and I am not denying that there are wondeful memories that come along with it, but it is sad for me to also admit, when it comes to celebrating Raya, that most of the things I remember from my childhood had been crazy, hectic and not very pleasant. No, I am not writing this to blame anyone. They didn't know what was happening to me with that being the yearly servings of Raya. But really, growing up with those things embedded in my mind, makes me yearn for Ramadhan to last forever. Things were calmer during Ramadhan. Raya was not evil. The people and the atmosphere created by the people was. I have never really enjoyed my Raya, as in really enjoyed it, by being breathless and wild-eyed and filled with wonder and anticipation. Apart from the new clothes and shoes, I don't remember looking forward to anything much, when I was growing up.

So, it is funny for me when I see people around me getting into the mood of celebration when I myself feel that it is gonna be the same day as any other day in my whole entire life. I might as well be a hermit. Don't you think?

I understand that we have to celebrate the coming of Syawal because it commemorates the end of the fasting month of Ramadhan and we should all rejoice and it it sunat to do certain stuff on that auspicious day. I understand that and it is a good thing to have something to look forward to at the end of a struggle, to celebrate, to share. I do see the point. I just find it hard to get myself in the mood.

Kesian my mom, because she is the one yang sibuk-sibuk tempahkan baju kurung raya for me each and every year. I don't remember buying or paying anyone to make me my own baju raya. I just don't feel like it.

I remember, when I was a little kid, mom would bering home something she had tailor-made (mom prefers it that way instead of buying them off the rack cuz they won't fit as well and she used to make her own clothes. I don't know why she stopped) and made me wear them complete with the new shoes and made me strut around the house, before changing back into what I was wearing for bed. Then I remember my mom baking cookies and cakes in her spare time to prepare for the day. She would clean up and make rendang and all that stuff people serve for Raya. Dad, he would always, always make lemang. He would be the one tending to the flames making sure that there is the right lemang for everyone. Mom likes it with the crust thick and hard. I like mine without. He'd also help mom stir the dodol for hours on end. My brothers and I would help stir the thick gooey concoction too. It would take hours, and although I am not a big fan, it was fun making it.

Then there is the house-cleaning and putting up the new curtains and changing the cushion covers, and she would take out her knitted chairbacks and table covers. We'd be wiping and vacuuming till the wee hours of the morning, working together and having fun.

When the next day comes, we'd all feel giddy with excitement. Wake up, mandi sunat Raya, go to the mosque, minta ampun and maaf from everyone, dapat duit raya, wait for people to come visit (mom never lets me and W go beraya to our neighbor's houses, which I can't really explain, but I am glad that she didn't because I know I would have hated going from house to house of people I don't know simply because I have to go with the flow because all the other kids are going). And then stuffing our faces with the delightful feast mom and dad had prepared. I loved mom's cookies. She made them so intricately. Even when she was working she made the cookies herself. We never bought our cookies.

As I grew older, mom taught me and ever since I have been the one with the full responsibility of making the signature fruitcake and cookies. But since I have never had the patience to mold them individually and wait for them to bake, I concentrated more on making the cake. I once made 16 cakes that took 4 hours to bake, (actually, I steamed them) each! Just so mom could give them away when she visits or have visitors. I wish I could still do that, but then I came here to work and never seemed to budge afterwards. Balik Raya pun mesti dah tinggal 2 hari atau 1 hari je puasa lagi, so I would usually manage 2 or 3, and I tempah je kek Sarawak to take home with me. Maybe I should make them here and take home so that the house would not be messy for Raya?

I assure you, it was all wonderful so what is it about this whole thing that made me hate it so much?

Maybe I know why but choose not to discuss it further on this entry. Maybe when I am stronger and able to face the realities of my existence.

When I am ready.

sleep

I don't know if I am distracted by the internet or I just don't wanna sleep or what. It's 1.14am and I am sleepy but not sleeping yet. Of course it is not big deal. But I love sleeping. I hope this does not keep up for long. I hate losing sleep.

I started thinking about my late dad lately...

weekend update

Before you start reading, this is going to be another boring, play-by-play entry. No one asked you to read it. Be warned.

For once, after the longest time, I won't be ranting about N. I hope.

I still haven't gotten around to doing Bella tag on me, simply because I have been thinkin' and thinkin' and thinkin' about it and although I have come up with a few things about me ... but they are hardly worth mentioning. Since sweet, sweet Bella is the one who is tagging me, I will do it. Very soon, I hope with me being such a procrastinator.

So how was your weekend? Mine was fun.

I was looking forward for the weekend, but I had nothing in mind. I stayed up all the way till 2.30 am Friday, so Saturday morning I woke up late. Yes, I am a lazy ass on weekends. I am hopeless! I am just a lazy ass, period.

Anyways, I asked Z if she would like to go to Sipitang for iftar. She said okay. Earlier she asked me what to cook for iftar. I thought about the food we have in the kitchen. Sufficient. But I was bored. It was laundry and napping and DVD's most part of Saturday(I got Love Story and watched it twice. It was tragic. But I think Ali McGraw was a little stiff. But they both did get the message across. I enjoyed it. Earlier, I watched Hot Fuzz. It was brilliantly funny. Sort of like Snatch). I thought it might be nice to go to Sipitang and I also asked Mimi to come along on text message. Mimi just woke up from a long nap. He had a 'sekolah ganti' earlier that day, he said he took a nap right after school and got carried away till I woke him with my text message. He hadn't cooked yet, so he agreed to come along. It's a half an hour trip to his school and another 20 minutes to Sipitang. Yes, Mimi is a man and that is only a nickname. He is a nice young man who likes to hang out with just about anyone, including the insufferable me.

By the time we got there, the Ramadhan Bazaar was already coming to a close, but we stopped by anyway to see if there are still a few morsels we can get for ourselves. Ada la a few. Then we went to a mamak restaurant because our usual restaurant is closed throughout Ramadhan. It was not bad, the mamak place. I had some vegetables and mutton or lamb curry which I loved. Then we ate and talked. Dilly dallying because we didn't really wanna go back so soon.

And then someone said, jokingly, "Why don't we go to KK tonight?"

That's an idea...

"That's gonna be the craziest thing we'd ever do," someone said.
"Yeah, but why not?"
"But we have only the clothes on our backs!"
"We can stop by somewhere for a t-shirt and toothbrush and all the other stuff."
....
"Really?"
....
"Are we doing this?"
"Hell, yeah!"

So we paid up and went to the supermarket right behind the restaurant. I got myself a nice warehouse rejects of J.C. Banks long sleeve and t shirt for the night, and the others got themselves some Old Navy rejects. Cheap. We never knew that the sad looking pile of clothes are actually GAP's and Old Navy's and the other stuff. Rejects of course, but they aren't that bad. And we also got panties. Then we got ourselves some toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorants, soap (I can't live without Dettol soap) facial foam and shampoo. Funny how they look all so cute in the plastic bag, cuz I got the small ones, I seldom do.

Then I drove us to KK. It was 8.30 when we left Sipitang and it is a three hour trip to KK, roughly. I took it easy cuz it rained heavily at some parts. I get a little scared driving in heavy rain due to the fact I langgared by brother's Honda with my sister's Wira the last time I was in KL. Uwa! Kesian they all. Merosakkan my accident -free record of five years of driving. All because of a stupid guy on a motorcycle without lights which came out of nowhere like a bat out of hell and my brother tried avoiding him, and I braked not wanting to hit my brother who was ahead of me, but then the car won't stop, instead, it went on sliding in the wet road in Puchong and BAM! I kissed my brother's Accord. My mom, sitting behind me screamed and I screamed at her ( I still don't know why). It was a mess. It rained and rained and rained. We stopped at the side of the road to assess the damage. It was really bad for my sister's car of course. And the next day I was supposed to fly back to KK. Sad or not?

Why didn't I swerve?Cuz the ac was not working and the windows were fogging up and when I looked left and right to see if there was any avenue of escape, I couldn't see anything, and in that split second, I thought, it was better to hit my brother's car than to hit some other people's car. Is that stupid or what? And all my brother said to me was, "Relax... " Man, if he was younger he would have snapped my head off right then and there. He has changed a lot! I helped settle the mess from my sister and my brother didn't ask me for anything, so that's how it was settled.

Anyway, that was why I find myself more cautious when I am driving in the rain. It doesn't really stop me kind of phobia, it just made me more careful.

Then abang N called. It was odd that he called me at that hour, close to 9pm. He'd already be asleep by 8 most nights. We said the usuals, I put him on loudspeaker cuz they wanted to hear his voice. They ooh'ed and aah'd when they heard his very deep manly and calm voice. Hahaha... These people are so funny. Then he asked me, where are you?

I half panicked.

I am so used to being independent and on my own most of the time, I forgot that I was in a relationship with someone. But I also think that it is due to the fact that I don't see going to KK on a whim in the middle of the night was a big deal. I don't see my doing that requires permission from anyone. I always tell my mom when I return, so she wouldn't worry. I am not saying that he should control my movements, but I understand that I should at least have told him, but at the same time, I didn't see it as a big deal. I always go to KK on a whim. I never go when I plan on going.

"Jangan marah... I am on my way to KK."
"Oh..."
"Marah ke?"
"Tidak..."
"Well, I have this membership I have never used. So I was gonna see if it is any good. And I am bored in Lawas..."
"I'm not bored..."
"Yeah, you in Kuching sana tu, boleh la berlagak nak kata tak bosan..."
"Hahahahaha..."
Blah blah blah... (The usual things we said, mundane essentials to keep the conversation going. Then we hung up.

I felt like I was cheating afterwards. But then Mimi said don't worry about it. When a man says he trusts you, he does and especially in his case. There is no need for further explanation because that is just going to complicate matters and make him have second thoughts about trust.

Later on I sent him a text message asking him if he has a gut feeling that I was doing something naughty tonight, I told him not to worry, because I was just restless and bored in Lawas. He said he trusts me and he loves me and asked me to take care. It's hard not to feel bad over a text like that from him. But as Mimi said, I should stop over-analyzing everything and worry my silly head of over nothing.

We got at the Sutera Harbour at 12, but the thing is, I can't use the membership in KK. What the fuck! So we went to another hotel. Checked in and then went out for sahur. Balik bilik dah kul 2.00am.

Showered, changed and watched TV and talked till we fell asleep.

The next day we checked out and went for a little window shopping and I bought a pair of new shoes. One thing I know about myself is that I am a little shoe crazy. That will be in my 'tag' entry later on.

Well, Mimi did most of the shopping, and Z too.

Then we drove home. Stopped by in Sipitang for iftar. Beli kuih muih di Bazaar Ramadhan and berhenti makan di kedai mamak yang sama the night before.

It rained after iftar. Dropped Mimi at his school quarters and went home. Once home, we unloaded the car. Oh, we got some petais on the way home, nak buat sambal udang esok untuk berbuka puasa. I haven't hadsambal petai for quite a while. My mom makes the best!

I went to my room and looked at the shoeboxes on top of my almari baju. They aren't all empty as it turned out. Some of them, I have only worn once or I have never worn them at all. I am shoe crazy, but I always wear my shoes until they are worn out and just throw them out, cuz I don't see the use of holding on to them. But now I realized I have 5 pairs of new or practically new shoes. Darn! No, I am not turning into a certain lady by the name of Imelda of course. But it surprised me that I still have shoes I never wore even once.

Anyway, mom called asking me if I got home safely. We talked some. Then I took photos of the shoes and I am gonna post em here. No, I don't have Manolo's and Jimmy Choo's cuz I can't afford them and I wear a size 9. The only shoe stores that can accommodate my big feet are Nose and Vincci. They're decent shoes and I have only broken one heel in the 5 years that I have been buying them.

I love love love heels. The higher the better. I love 4" high ones, but I wear them sparingly. Don't worry. I wear the 3" most of the time to work or for outings. I don't have anything in flats, so I opt for my black flip flops when I need to. And I also have hiker sandals cuz they are so damn comfortable when I don't feel like wearing heels. Now I am looking for a place where I can tempah high heeled boots. So if anyone of you out there knows any decent shoe maker who makes good high-heeled boots, tell me. I have a par of boots, but they are not like the ones I really really want.

I got these last year. Vincci. I wore 'em once and put 'em back in the box cuz it is covered in fabric and it stains so easily. And it is in Ivory. And I just forgot about them. I hardly wear white anyway.



I don't remember when I got these. Nose. Probably last year. Never came around to wearing them cuz they look too ladylike. Almost flimsy. But I have never worn 'em before, so I wouldn't know.



Got these earlier this year. Vincci. Love them for the high but thick heel. Very stable and very comfortable. 4" and green and metallic olive or gold. Not too sure. Love these.


Got these about three weeks ago with the polka dotted shoes I posted on a past entry. These Nose shoes have leopard prints on the strap. Nice but only 2" high... I don't have many of these in my past purchases. And I have not yet got around to wearing 'em. Not sure if it is comfortable or if I'd really like them cuz they are so low it would feel like just wearing flip flops. Why did I buy them? Cuz I got sort of sensible about shoes and thought about the damage that could be done by all the other heels I already have.



Got these today. Vincci 4" and thick heel. Very stable and comfortable too. I love em so much, I just put 'em on straight away. Most of the time, I would buy my shoes during sales, but these arejust hard for me to let go and wait for the sale, so I just got them straight away.



Wear these to work most of the time lately. Vincci Just 3" and comfortable, I can wear them all day.



Here they are in a bunch.

I am not too keen on buying and hoarding things. These, I just put in boxes and forgot about. I am not gonna go on a shoe buying spree (although that does sound very sweet, indeed) just so I can make another post about shoes. I just feel like doing this tonight, cuz I don't feel like sleeping yet and seeing them in their open boxes makes me feel warm and fuzzy. How shallow can anyone be? Miahahaha!

Now, how did my weekend update become a post about my shoes? I should get some sleep.

If you got to this point, it means you are either really bored and have nothing better to do or you are just a very attentive friend. Either way, thanks for reading.

I'm off to bed. Good night.

benefits

Herewith, we share with you once again:

Benefits from Ramadan

1. It strengthens one's ties with Allah and trains the soul to observe duties of devotion in accordance with the teachings of the Qur'an and Sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh).

2. It enforces patience and determination in the Muslim individual.

3. It promotes the principle of sincerity by keeping the Muslim away from arrogance and showing off, since it is an act between the individual and his Creator.

4. It promotes good character, particularly truthfulness and trust-worthiness.

5. It encourages the Muslim to do away with bad habits and change his/her circumstances for the better.

6. It enhances generosity, hospitality, and spending on charitable causes.

7. It reinforces feelings of unity and brotherhood among Muslims.

8. It instills orderliness and close observance of the value of time.

9. It serves as an opportunity for children to perform acts of obedience and to practice Islamic acts of worship.

10. It offers a chance to balance one's attention to both physical and spiritual needs.


From : http://onlineislamicstore.com/ramadan.html

i'm it

I have been tagged by Bella. I love being tagged. But this one's got me stumped. I am not a creature of habit. I don't know if I have 8 habit that are worth mentioning. But don't worry, Bella, I will do my best to think up of something.

Okay, well I have one. I love, love, love Ramadhan. I wish it could last more than just a month. And I don't really like Eid. I'll try to explain later. But for now, I am a little sleepy. Like always. Just a short stop to tell you what I did today.

Had OBK pagi tadi at the safe room. Then went to school. Then went to Sipitang. Bosan sangat. I wish I can have another vacation.

Kenapa malas sangat ni....?

esok puasa! yay!

In this blessed month of Ramadan,
May Allah the Almighty shower his choicest blessings on all of us.
May HE make our Iman stronger.
May HE forgive all our sins, short comings and mistakes.
May HE fulfill all our desires.
May HE safeguard us from all calamities and troubles.

May Allah assist us all in rushing towards good deeds and staying away from the bad. May all of our
efforts and prayers (duas) in this blessed month be accepted by Allah. Ameen.

happiness

Yes, I am a happier person. Days seem brighter and when night comes, dreams seems sweeter.

Who doesn't want that?

i miss you

when he's gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

I never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take

[When You're Gone lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah Yeah

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
mMm

loyalty

Dear J,

The connection in my area was disrupted the whole day, yesterday. That's why there was no update. Besides, I don't update everyday anyways.

So, in response to your entry the past few days;

I know why you wrote that entry; to remind yourself how wondrous it was how you and Amin came to be. So that you would not be swayed by any other guy who is supposed to be unable to forget you or anyone crossing paths with you.

Here I am gonna tell you as it is. If you really mean a lot to him, he should just buzz off and leave you be with your happiness. What is his motive coming out of the blue and telling you all that he did when you are already dah buat keputusan melayari bahtera bahagia with your rightful husband? Does it make him feel good that you are now miserable and having second thoughts of the choices and decisions you have made once upon a time ago rendering it all wrong and meaningless when you thought that it was the one and only best and most dead-on decision you have ever made in your whole life?

What kind of bastard does that to a woman he claims to love?

If he really loves you, here is what he should do; wish you luck and and just be happy that you (the woman he loves) has finally found your own happiness, even if it is with another man. And he should also just shut his mouth and disappear or if can't just disappear, maintain a civilized relationship with you at a safe distance.

J,

He is MARRIED and he should be doing his best making his wife and children happy and content and NOT wasting his energy investing in something that will never be. It was never meant to be. I was NEVER meant to be.

Furthermore, adakah seorang lelaki yang baik akan melakukan apa yang dia telah lakukan? Apa yang kurang pada isterinya sekarang? Kalau kurang kenapa tak berbincang dengan dia dan cari penyelesaian? Kenapa dulu perfect, sekarang kena tune-up sikit dah banyak complaints? Don't you think if he could do it to his current wife, he could do it to you too?

Let me remind you of the disgust you felt when you wrote that entry about how people in your office are having affairs among them and that you will never let yourself slip and sink to their level? Believe me, J, even if it is gratifying for now, but once the excitement and novelty dissipates, you will only be left with that deep feeling of disgust of yourself for being the person you never thought you would be.

Before you go bursting out into a great white ball of fire because you are mad at me for thinking bad things about you, of all people, my best friend, I would like to say that I know, you are not thinking about what I think you are thinking. I just wrote these for that element of surprise.

Lemme tell you about me, JEB and N.

That Thursday night in Limbang when we spent that hour talking about almost everything in front of the mosque in the middle of the night, with the burger guy nearby, I also told him about JEB. About the part where he is happily married and the proud father of three beautiful boys. N said, flat out, leave him. I could understand how a man like N would say something like that to me, but then I didn't realize that he wanted to have something with me. But that's what I did. Some stranger came into my life and I made a decision based on what he told me to do. I'm not shallow. At least I hope not. But I have always known that what I had with JEB was wrong and I would one day find the courage and the strength to extract myself from him. But the time never came. JEB keeps having conflicts in his life that constantly needs me to postpone myself in order to be supportive of him.

Despite everything, I knew, I needed that nudge. And that nudge came along in what seemed to be another complete but married package. But that was easily solved soon after. Before I knew it, I found myself hoping that N would be the safety net that would catch me when I finally leave JEB.

It was bad of me to have left JEB in the dust not even seeing what hit him. JEB was angry. He was bitter. He wanted so much to tell me that I was making a mistake and that wants me, sampaikan he said, he will still take me back if N decides to leave me as long as I have not had sex with N. That's just the way JEB is. He thinks everyone is into premarital sex, just because he was, in his youth. But in the end, he wished me luck and disappeared.

I ceased contact with him, in fear that I might be weak and go back to him if I sail through choppy waters with N. I did sail through choppy waters with N. And though I did not have any intention to go back to JEB of all people, and in all his troubles and strangeness, I also remember JEB as a very wise person with useful insight into the world.

So last July, when I wished him Happy Birthday, he e-mailed me asking me how I was. And we embarked on an e-mailing spree until 12 midnight. I told him about the problems N and I was having and what N was trying to do and how would I know if N was serious and not just playing with my feelings. It had been 11 months since I last saw N and I was thinking that N might not be coming back at all. I was thinking, who on earth would come back for me after more than 10 months of troubled relationship?

JEB did. He came back after 4 years. Does that mean he really, really loves me? I don't know. I didn't really care, because I had made my choice, in August of last year, and I have every intention to stand by my decision, good or bad. I have never made any huge decision in my life before that I was totally sure of. But I was very sure of N, despite everything.

Then JEB laid it out all on me and left me to make my own decision.

That is what a man who really loves a woman would do. Be there for her in her time of need and not create any more trouble that she already has and not try to sway her next decision.

He respected me enough, to understand that I am now in love with someone else and believed that I will be happier with him. He understood that I do not want to be the other woman anymore.

I WAS the other woman. Listen to me and believe me when I say you DO NOT want to feel the way I still do today for being so weak and ended up actually being the other woman.

Let's face it, nothing is perfect in this whole wide world. That is why we have to constantly work on these imperfections so that it will work for us. What I mean to say is, sure there are gonna be times when you feel like pulling your hair out by the roots when Amin does something you don't like, but that does not mean he is bad or love you any less and that you should ditch him. You know that already right? But what I really wanna say is that, you have made your choice. Good or bad, it is totally up to you to make it work, however you choose it to be. So this question about the other guy from your past should never had been an issue to put of off track for these past few days.

I know, I can be a little bit of an idealist, but I have learned that most things in life are not exactly in black and white. There will be circumstances where we will find that we are helpless or clueless on the best course of action. But you know there is always God to turn to.

Hey, you know what? I have no problem trusting your judgement because I know you have a good head over your shoulder and I trust you can and will do the right thing.

If you feel sorry for him, tell yourself this; those are his problems. He should solve it the way he sees fit and not burden you with something that is none of your concern.

Remain steadfast. No matter what, because at the end of the day, you can sleep soundly under the covers, warm and snug in his arms knowing that he is married to a woman worthy of his love, devotion and adoration.

Be happy and content with the knowledge that his heart will remain in safety with you, come what may.

when you're gone

Counting the days, Abang... counting the days...

home again

The flight back was horrendous. I was sleepy, but I kept being jerked awake by the sudden descent and ascent of the tiny twin otter. It was raining and the wind was quite strong. Somehow, I was not scared. I had complete faith in the pilots and furthermore, I knew that they had been flying in far worse weathers, as described by my acquaintances. So I kept falling asleep and waking again when it plummets and climbs higher after that. Then we touched down safely in Lawas.

The moment I got home, I put away my things in the house and called for Z to come down so we could both go to Sipitang to have lunch at our favorite restaurant. Actually, I didn't wanna go back and feel how lonely it is knowing that he is now at the other end of the state and I won't be seeing him for another few months. I have thoughts of him and optimistic plans he's made for us to spend together on a long road trip at the school year's end to sustain me and to look forward to. I hope they will happen. But I'll be okay if it doesn't. He's taught me that. I've taught myself that.

And then it was back to school the next day. Just the perfect solution to clear up the loneliness that ensued.

to matang and back

What's in Matang? He had an appointment at a PLKN camp and then he wanted to take me to have something to eat at the seaside. On the way there, I could see Serapi and Santubong. Then on the way back, I can't help marvelling at how well-kept the roads in Kuching are, I ended up snapping a lot of those than the sceneries of Matang.

Serapi


Santubong


The tree-lined streets of Kuching


A small part of Masjid Jamek Sarawak I bother putting up here, because the other photos have me in them

the strong current

It may not look like much, but the current was very strong that afternoon when we were on our way home from Sebuyau. It shook the boat sideways and everyone on the ferry. It was a little scary, what with another boat crossing the river as we were. I was worried about colliding and all of a sudden front page news of ferry tragedies of years past started to scare the shaits out of me. But I control macho jah!

Orang tu, dalam all three photos semua dia ada... malas lak nak crop him out.

to sebuyau and back

Here is where I totally immersed myself in the experience. Well, actually I simply forgot to take photos cuz I was too busy enjoying the view and the experience and him being there with me.


The little river


The big ass river


The long and straight and scenic road to Sebuyau

shoes

My shoes

course day photos

Sorry, no picturesque sceneries. I was too preoccupied with actually savouring and enjoying and immersing myself in the moment to remember to take photos.

The course in progress


The people I made friends with at the course


The boat race practice going on on the river outside


The boats from Lawas which won first and second place in the race during the regatta that I only knew about only today at school

together-gether

He picked up my phone and looked at the screen closely. I glanced at him, seeing that he had that odd expression on his face.

"You're not gonna find anything on that phone," I said.
He kept silent.

"Is it the photo on the wallpaper?"
Silence.

"I can't put your photo because people will ask. Well, I did put your photo as wallpaper once, but then I took it off again when we... and I was not sure about an answer if people asks. I don't feel like putting other people's photo in there cuz the phone is mine anyway."

"Why don't you put our photo as wallpaper, the one where we were together-gether?"
How cute is that, coming from his deep, expressionless voice? Almost child-like.

"Really? You want me to put our photo as wallpaper on my phone?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"And what if people asks?"
"Tell them I am your mentor."
"Whot? Banyaklah mentor dengan lentoq-lentoq, lentiq-lentiq macam nih!"
"Let them ask then."
"Are you sure? Cuz I'm gonna do it. I have loads of our together-gether photos on this phone, you know?"
I changed the photo and smiled at him as I showed it to him.

He's the secretive type. In his world, no one knows about me, and I have always quietly wondered if I was not good enough for him that he is doing his best keeping me a secret. But then I realized, what is there to tell? We're stumbling and feeling our way through most things still. I thought he wouldn't like it if people in my world knew about him. However, now that he was the one asking me why wouldn't I, it makes me feel reassured, that this might just be it.

Then Love Story (How Do I Begin) started playing on the radio. He looked at me and asked me to listen to the song carefully. He said it is such a beautiful song and has very deep meaning so he dedicated it to me.

It was a beautiful song I never took notice before. But in the car, at that moment, it felt like the most beautiful part of the afternoon. I looked outside, as I'd usually do, fighting back the urge to cry, as always, and listened to the song. He reached for my hand and entwined his fingers through mine.

Today I realized why exactly I am recording everything I am experiencing with Abang in here shamelessly. Despite the fact that others are reading this, it is my record of the good that is Abang and Me. There are also the bad, but I think so far that has been subsiding. These things I have written is to remind me, in the future, when I start forgetting, that there had been sweet, good, wonderful and joyous happenings in our journey together if we decide that we'd spend the rest of our life together; when I forget, when situation gets tough, when I cry and hit and scream. Angry with him, life and myself. When he would clam up into himself instead of being the steadfast and adoring lover and supporter that I need him to be.

I need this to remind me what we were before the storm and to see how we would be once it pasts.

fire, fire, burning bright

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

ini aku

While it is nice to read good things about yourself or good traits that are supposed to be a part of you, I don't believe everything I read in the horoscopes. It is just a fun read for me.

As you can see, me and Abang are incompatible. But I don't care... All the more fun to make it work.

THE DRAGON

Dragon people are balls of fire! They are full of vitality and love of life. Always on the run, they drag their faithful band of admirers behind them. Dragons are egotistical, eccentric, demanding, and giving.

They are proud, direct, and loaded with high ideals which they always try to live up to. Having a zeal for life, they want to live it on a grand scale. They have the potential for accomplishing many great things as long as they don't get too far ahead of themselves. When dragons do something, good or bad, you can be certain their deeds do not go unnoticed! Dragons are always making the news.

It is next to impossible to win an argument with Dragon people.They intimidate anyone who challenges them. Once you arouse their anger, they keep after you for a very long time. Dragons are extremely loyal to friends and family. When really needed they always come to the rescue. They are the first ones to say "I told you so". In spite of being overly emotional, a Dragon is not sentimental or even romantic. They will just take it for granted that everyone loves them. Although they are stubborn and irrational, they are not petty or begrudging with their favors. It is hard for them to hide their feelings. They don't even try.

Not being secretive themselves, they can't be expected to keep a confidence for long; but Dragons speak from the heart and are always sincere. Their manners may seem brusque and too direct, but they merely want to get things moving. Being creatures of action, they motivate others, too. They often get into rushes and fail to see the flaws in a situation.Instead of diving in, Dragons need to learn to check things out better. Dragons need purpose in their lives, causes to fight for, and goals to reach. An uninvolved Dragon is a sad sight indeed.

Dragons consider themselves very strong. They will often bite off more than they can chew. When this happens, they are too proud to ask for help and exhaust themselves. Dragons can do many things well. They may be artists, politicians, doctors, or ministers. When Dragons choose the right profession, they will be successful and devoted. They just can't help winning!

In romance, Dragons are seldom the losers and are usually the ones breaking hearts. Dragons don't marry too young, and many are content and happier living alone. Dragons will always have more than their share of friends and admirers to keep them company. Dragons are really softies and fall apart if they lose their supporters. They dazzle as long as there is someone who believes in them.

Taken from : http://www.rainfall.com/horoscop/dragon.htm

ini N

THE DOG

Dogs are honest,straightforward,and friendly. They are extremely protective of themselves and their loved ones. With a passion for fair play and justice, they never fail to rescue you time after time. They may rant and rave, but they never rest until they right the wrong. They are true humanitarians and suffer with the world.In spite of their concern for others,social graces and fancy parties do not impress them. Having sharp eyes, they will see through people's motives. They are quite private about their personal lives and someone prying into their affairs make them secretive and withdrawn. Once you gain their confidence, they open up freely.

Once Dogs classify you, they rarely change their minds. There are few in-betweens. Dogs perceive things either in black or white. You are either friend or enemy. Luckily, they are good judges of character and have superb insight into human nature. Dogs are tolerant of their friends. Before they approve of you, the friendship must develop slowly with a variety of meetings and conversations. If they look you over and decide they can trust you, you remain in their hearts forever. If you need them, Dogs will be there.

When the time is right, Dogs work long and hard, but they know how to relax, and enjoy their home and loved ones. The Dogs have playful moods and a great sense of humor. They have quick emotions and if you offend them, they will snarl and insult you with expertise. They forgive with the same speed. Dogs are intelligent and well-balanced. With their stable minds, they make good counselors or psychologists. They endure during any crisis situation. They are trustworthy people and know how to keep a secret. Being efficient and very diplomatic, they can hide their prejudices well. Most Dogs have a comfortable home and do well.Dogs always defend what is theirs and have a high sense of value. Home and family come first,and Dogs will work to see that they have the best!

Taken from : http://www.rainfall.com/horoscop/dog.htm

kuching trip II

Hello and Assalamualaikum to one and all. I am back.

First of all, I thank both J and Bella for reading my blog religiously (eheh!) while I was away.

I was in Kuching again.

Wait! Wait! Before you go thinking I am raving, madly in love in with N that I would run away to Kuching again just to be with him, I would like to say... you're probably right. No, no. That was a joke, but if I could, both of you should know, I would.

The course was from the 27th - 30th. He had asked me to extend my stay till Sunday. I thought that was sweet. Don't you?

That's what I did.

He picked me up at the airport on the 27th and took me straight to the hotel at the waterfront where they had the course. Malam tu, after dinner at the hotel provided by the course organizer, I went shopping for a hiking sandal and chap stick at the plaza next door with my roommate. He had a long day we didn't go out that night. The thing is, I was not expecting to see him every night I was there anyway, but I'll give him bonus points to for making the effort.

Well, actually I have forgotten what we did most of the time when we did meet during the course, itupun masa malam, after the course was over and after dinner. Dia pun kerja and we'd have the weekend to spend together later on, as planned.

Tuesday night, after I had dinner with my roommate, he took me out to get some ayam percik on the other side of the river. When I opened the tapau'ed chicken he had bought for me in my hotel room, I found that it was one whole chicken! What's with this guy?

I had to beg my roommate to help me eat some of the chicken and we still couldn't finish it. I sumbat dalam peti sejuk je. Tak larat! Bukan tak sayang!

During lunch on Wednesday, I had some prawn salad. It was scrumptious. Then I spent the afternoon afterwards sinking deeper and deeper into what was food poisoning that I was totally unaware of.

I started feeling uneasy and achy all over my body and rather lethargic. I thought I was going to have my periods. So I brushed it off as just some unpleasant symptoms. I even text messaged him saying that I wanted to rest that evening and he doesn't have to come and get me at the hotel.

But then when I returned to my room after completing the assignment for the next day with my team mates, I started having diarrhea and threw up everything I ate like there was no tomorrow. Right after which, I started shivering uncontrollably not due to the cold temperature in the room, but more to having these things in my blood vessels trying to vi for supremacy, whatever that means.

That had scared my roommate that she had covered me with her own comforter from her bed. I shivered still. I managed to call the front desk asking for ORS but they had none. Then my room mate said she would go get some from the pharmacy from the next door plaza. I waited for her, but she never came back. I was beginning to wonder if she ever would. She didn't exactly do that. I found out later that her hubby had driven up to the front door waiting for her and she had to leave because he was late for a meeting that evening and she had to take care of their kids as planned earlier and she passed the message to my other team mate Jazzy to get me the salts. My roommate couldn't text me telling me that cuz she didn't have my number until I text her telling her that I was going to the clinic with Abang later on.

Yeah. What was supposed to be his night off from seeing me, turned into a Doctor's visit. And I was all worried that I would still be sick or in recovery for the next few days that it would totally ruin the getaway.

At the KPJ hospital, the nurse took my temperature, I had a slight fever, and took my bp, it was quite high. Then I went in to see the doctor. After some questions and a feel up my tummy, he asked if they should issue a closure for inspection on the hotel where I had the poisoning. I asked them not to, adding that I also have IBS and I get a tummy ache really easily ever since my 'red tide' episode. He thought I was nuts, but I convinced him that there is nothing to worry about because it seems that I was the only one affected by the food. Then he asked me if I wanted the jab or just the meds. I asked him which one would heal me faster. We both knew it was the jab, so I got the jab. I was feeling better afterwards. And Abang picked up the bill.

*swoon...*

In case you are thinking I am a jakun for this kind of thing, I admit, I am a jakun because I have never had anyone outside the family do anything nice for me. In my whole life. Never. So, please excuse my jakunness.

*swoon...*

Anyway, I got myself some Vitagen and 100plus and some yoghurt for him. He dropped me off at the hotel and I went to bed straight away after the meds and two bottles of vitagen of course. He didn't let me have anything to eat that night because he doesn't want me sh*tting and vomiting all night.

And thank God, I was back on my feet and raring to go the next morning. Literally. Because I woke up later than I thought I did. I forgot to set my clock to go off at 6 as usual. I was sick, you see. My roommate... she's relied on me the past 2 days, I don't know why she still relied on me that night too. So we were late. But it was okay. We were 5 minutes late for class even after breakfast! So that was not so bad.

But yes, we were late.

Anyway, I regret taking the sambal from the nasi lemak later. Haiyoh! Budak ini!Tak sabar sabar nak melantak!

Anyway, everything was a-okay later on anyways.

My teammates telah mensabotaj mak kerana sebab mak sakit kan, sepatutnya tak payah la buat presentation sebab mak dah pun buat powerpoint slides tuh. Tapi last-last, mak jugak yang kena present. Tapi takpe. Mak take hold any grudge. They were good people. No way I can feel angry with them.

Dah habis course, dapat sijil penyertaan apa semua, we had lunch and we rushed back to our rooms to pack our stuff and check out. I just couldn't wait to be with Abang, really.

It was an hour earlier than I had told him, so when I called him there was no way he could get away from work, which is great because I had wanted to get something for his birthday, which was supposed to be the night before tapi sebab kena food poisoning, tak dapat la. So I messaged him that I would be at Crowne Plaza sekejap and be back at the hotel in no time. Daripada I melanguk at the lobby, baik I go get his bday prezzie, kan?

By the time I was back in the lobby, he was already in front of the entrance and calling me. So I grabbed my bag and we were on our way to the hotel he's booked me in. He saw the thing I bought and he said that they make it really good there. So I said, you like it so much? So it's yours. I handed it to him and said Happy Birthday. It was as simple as that. And I am glad that he is the type who does not bother with birthdays because I don't. Call me thoughtless, call me whatever, I just don't. A simple Happy Birthday greeting is more than enough for me.

Anyways, malam tu, apa lagi, pergi makan-makan la kan? Then he had to leave me alone sebab dia ada function kat hiw workplace, dengan beauty pageant, dengan countdown, and oh with his birthday celebration by his students and staff of course. He couldn't get away from that and I didn't expect him to. Actually tak sabar for the next morning sebenarnya.

The next morning, we went to Sebuyau. Kat mana tu? Jangan tanya la... saya tatau nyah! All I know, we took 2 ferries and a boat just to get there and along the way, there was miles and miles of greeneries and coconut palms. It was paradise. Well, if you like the view of kampung life and fresh fish right from the sea and endless tree lined road and puffs of cloud in the bright blue sky, that is where you should be headed.

he bought fish along the way and we had a lunch of fresh steamed terubuk and some other things with rice. It was great. I wish I could have shown a little more enthusiasm but I was still in recovery and no amount of acting can disguise the fact that my appetite was still not up to its normal level that day. But I did my best. :-)

Yes, one whole day just me, Abang and the open road. What is there not to love? By the end of the day, we were both pooped. We had dinner and I was off to slumber land the moment my head touched the pillow.

The next morning, he took me to breakfast. Since the day before, I asked if I could have laksa Sarawak he said we'll have that and he asked me if I can accommodate two rounds of breakfast? I had this strange eerie feeling...

Sure enough, we had the second best Laksa Sarawak in town. Including a piece of chicken feet. Oi, I eat chicken feet, okay? It's not that bad. Really. Then he took me somewhere closer to town for mee jawa pulak. Adoi ai... I tried eating it but then come on la... who was I kidding? My appetite is still not as it should be and noodles are not normally in my breakfast menus. I loved the laksa, I liked the mee jawa. But I couldn't finish the mee jawa. Probably full from the laksa. Of course lah! And he went on making me feel guilty all day. Jokingly of course. And I he's all black and blue from all that teasing. Padan muker... her her her. Whenever he starts "KIta mestilah menunjukkan kesyukuran kita dengan menghabiskan makananan kita.... " I would act like I was going to pinch him and ask him, "Are you gonna take that route or are you gonna take my word for it."

Then, since he has still got work to do, he dropped me off at the hotel and promised to pick me up again before 11 to go all over the place again. It was Saturday, he works on Saturday and he has a PLKN event to drop by too later on.

But he couldn't clear up things until 12noon when he came round and picked me up at the hotel. He took me to this area, I don't remember what's the name. The view of Serapi and Santubong was breathtaking. I wanted to cry but then nanti nampak overly-dramatic sangat. So I just snapped away and gasped and oohed and aahed all along the way. Believe me, the view was fantastic. We had lunch at this place tepi laut. Biasa je tempat tu. Macam rumah and gerai biasa. Makan masakan local. I loved the kerabu. And we had some siput bakau. It was very good. He wanted to get udang actually. Tapi semenjak dari Sebuyau lagi memang tak ada, sedangkan jarang tak ada udang ni. Now kat situ yang kat tepi laut tu pun tak ada juga. So he surmised, kalau nak beli udang tak boleh have me with him, sebab the gods of the udangs will not allow him to buy udang. Hahaha...

It rained hard while we ate and it rained still by the time we were ready to go. So he had the restaurant owner escort him to his car under the cover of an old umbrella and he drove the car to me so I won't have to walk so far to the car in the rain. *swoon*

For these few days, I have been telling him the benefits of staying in Kuching instead of moving to KK and start everything new. I don't particularly love Kuching, but I just don't see making Kota Kinabalu a home. Don't get me wrong. Kota Kinabalu is a great getaway destination. But it is concentrated and densely populated, I just think it is a bad idea, no matter how adaptable he is to his environment. Seeing that I was so keen on Kuching, it prompted him to ask me "So, you like Kuching, huh?"

"Yeah, it's not bad..." His next question made me laugh.

"How many do you have?" Aku mati -matilah ingat he was talking about Kuching the city. So I went on explaining to him about the type of cat I have and I only have one, very quiet, independent and mind-reading cat.

Then we swung by the PLKN camp for him to see the Camp Commandant, tapi he was nowhere to be seen. So after a few minutes, we left anyway. Then he took me to town to get some Sarawak t-shirts. I don't remember why, I sulked. I said, in my gentlest tone of voice, Takpelah... tak payah pergi tempat tu, I'll find something at the airport tomorrow morning, and I turned away all along the drive. I wanted to convince him I was really okay about not getting stuff for my friends tu. But I felt my spirit leaving me when he half-refused me that time. Like he didn't want to take me to that market. He didn't say much, but he said, it's okay, we're here, and besides, there would be nothing much to buy at the airport nanti. It was raining hard again. He parked the car, got out, opened an umbrella came to my side and waited for me to come out and handed me the umbrella while he put on his baseball cap. You see, he hates the rain because he gets sick very easily when he is exposed to the rain. But wanting to teach me positive thinking, he'd always say, rain is good, it clears up the haze. I could sense that he was eager to get me back to my hotel so he could clear up work and lock up and spend the rest of the day with me. But since I was sulking, he braved the rain and took me to the market anyway. I felt guilty for being so sensitive. He walked quickly, I had to speed up my pace to keep up with him. He was not mad at me, he was just trying not to be in the rain too long.

I got my stuff and was happy again. No, I am not the type yang merajuk panjang-panjang. I didn't even want him to know I was sulking that time, but maybe the tone of voice and the body language was too loud for a man of his calibre not to notice. And he handled it wery well. Just right.

On the way back to the hotel and when I was in a better mood than before, Broery's Jangan Ada Dusta came on the radio, and he dedicated that song to me. I wanted so much to shed tears... tapi I simply turned away and just listened to every word from the song.

That's Abang. He may be old and hard to read his expression, he does not do the PDA thing and he hides me from everyone. I understand that he has a hard time expressing his feelings, except for the times when we held hands in the car. But whenever there is a good song, he'd ask me to listen and dedicate it to me. I guess that is his way of telling me how much he cares about me without having to say it himself. That would suffice, for now. He can't even say he loves or misses me. We'll find a way.

Then he dropped me off at the hotel went back to his office to clear up and lock up and came back an hour later with pizza. Yeah, finally we get to spend some time together just the two of us. Finally there was no scenery or people to distract me from the questions that I have been dying to ask him. Esok pagi dah nak balik, he said. This is the last chance we have to spend together... he's so sweet. We talked and ate and talked and ate. But then it was already 8. The news was on.

He said if he wants to be on time to get me to the airport the next day, he'd have to leave then and get enough rest. He's had a full week so far.

This morning, I woke up at 4.15am to get ready to fly back home. He called me at 5am to tell me that he is awake which means I don't have to get a cab to the airport. He picked me up at the hotel at exactly 5.40am, as he said he would the night before. Once I checked myself in, he quickly took me downstairs and to the ground floor where there is an open restaurant and proceeded to buy me breakfast of nasi goreng with two chunks of chicken curry. It's the Kuching airport and it was 6am. If he had more time and it was a little later than that, he could have been more original.

I picked my way through the meal and he finally said, you don't have to force yourself. Just leave it and you can have a better meal in Miri later. Does he sound kesian or what?

Tadi I sampai Miri airport, I didn't have that lunch he's asked me to have. Didn't have the appetite. He's not there with me.

But then, as soon as I got to Lawas, just to cleanse myself of his aura and of being with him these six days, and get my sense of being to back being alone again (don't worry, he's the only person in my heart for a long time now) not in the safety of him being by my side, I took Z to Sipitang and had a hearty late lunch of Beef Fried Rice and Sup Tulang. Ha... siapa kata mak takde selera, nyah?

I have photos of course, but I lost my card reader. So that will have to wait.

For Bella and J, nanti I balas your comments, k? I wanna get some rest myself. Esok dah sekolah. Sedih sebab we're apart again.

He wants to start the paperwork for our wedding. That's sweet. But then if he knew I haven't gone for the wedding course the way he's asked me to, is he gonna be disappointed in me? I'll go. Soon.

Malam ni, have to start getting used to not seeing him in the morning when he swings by like he always does the past few days. Gosh, why does he have such effect on me?

I miss him. I miss him so very much... :-(