Monday, September 24, 2007

kemenyampahan tahap cipan

I have promised to myself that the only person I am gonna talk badly about in here is N, when I get exceptionally mad at him, or myself, when I know I am constantly making boo boos in my life. Or maybe some random stranger making a mess of himself trying to scare me into submission like the immigration idiots at the borders. It's just too juicy for me to leave out.

I just wanna remind myself that I really don't want to tarnish this place by ranting about people I hate at work. It's okay for other people to do it because I know, sometimes we need to vent. I vent too as you can see in my earliest posts. I used to do it online in real time with JEB. But then we have gone kaput, I had to find other avenues.

I just strongly believe that I should not waste my limited supply of brain cells thinking or talking about people I don't like in this world, because there are better things to write about in here other than things that would remind me of how much I loathe someone at work so much so that I even bothered making it and entry in here.

Okay, I am gonna be weak and tell you that she is a cheeky smart ass and an attention whore to boot who loves to hear herself talk because when she is around her voice is the only thing you will hear as long as she is there. She never knows when is the right time to freakin' shut up. Do you know anyone like that in your life? I know I can be quite the diva at work too, always having to get things done my way and always getting what I want, but I know when to shut up. I might bust my caps with her one day, but for now, I am happy just letting her have her little victories. To think I taught her how to drive and be calm on the road no matter what the assholes around her is gonna do when she stalls and taught her the little things in life and to say nice things about the people of the great nation of KELANTAN. Gosh, I know not ALL Kelantanese people are like her. Z is delightful. And Selangorians aren't all that pleasant either. But why do these strange beings that only started learning to use BM properly when they left their cocoon of a state, despite our efforts in letting our guards down and accept them, always have to end up pig headed and berlagak bagus? I'm sorry Z. I don't hate your state. I just hate how some people from your state always have to be that way.

Case in point;
1. "Saya tak makan maggi"
She claims that she doesn't eat maggi or other junk food cuz her parents never 'taught' her to indulge in those things for they would contaminate the body. Sort of like my body is a temple kind of shit. As if my parents had a wall chart teaching me what kind of junk food is tasty and what's not so tasty when I was a kid. Is it because of health issues or they couldn't really afford it, since she has like 20 siblings. I don't know. But the funny thing was, she whalloped the maggi when me or Z cooked it! We don't always take maggi, but we always have a stock of these instant noodles for when the mood strikes kind of thing. An we don't just boil water and drop in the noodle and stir in the seasonings. We add stuff to it, so that by the end of the cooking it would look more like a steamboat than a bowl of pathetic maggi mee. Z'd always ask, "Ada sesiapa nak makan maggi tak?" I would always say either "Nak, nak, nak!" or "Kalau ada orang nak masak, akak tak pernah tolak..." depending on my mood. But she should always, haughtily say, "Takpelah, tak makan." But once it was ready with all the sausages and vegetables and eggs all steaming hot, she would grab a plate and meekly take a portion enough to feed three Calista Flockharts! Okay, that was an exaggeration, but the point is, she ate it. Why did she say "Tak makan," in the first place?

2. She slurps her soup like a crazy lunatic duck.
It makes me wanna puke hearing her do that. I don't slurp. Even though I am not of high society, I know it is rude and I don't do that no matter how hot the soup is.

3. She is a religious teacher, but it seems like she sometimes forgets that she is one.

4. She doesn't say it, but she has that "Holier than thou" vibe about her.

5. She gets all dizzy and giggly when the male species shows interest in her.
Why does this bother me? She treats all their advances like a marriage proposal and she doesn't stop ranting about it until a week later. Is she pretty? Not really, but she is not ugly either. She is on the average scale. But the thing is, she has that damsel in distress thing going on, and I know what that does to men. There was once, when she went for her interview, where one of the interviewer was a middle-aged Dato' who kept eyeing her throughout the interview and asking her questions that aren't supposed to be asked during a job interview. But the fact that the horny old goat gave her his room number made the hair on the back of my neck stand because I know what horny goats some people become at that age. Heck, if you can undress an untazah with your eyes, don't you think that is inappropriate conduct for a man in his position and at his age? In that situation. Maybe it's just me, but it's darn creepy. But no, she couldn't stop talking about it for months afterwards. And she was proud of it. I get that all the time, but I don't go touting the tale to everyone I meet. When I am not too sarcastic, I remind myself that she is young and that she was not used to all that attention yet because all these times, she had been segregated from the male species, what with going to KUSZA and studying Religious Studies at the uni. There was no way that she could have had the same liberties with men then than what she has now that she is in my company. It's been 4 years and she still hasn't changed. It obviously got to her silly little head.

6. She never cooked.
She helps. But she never cooked. When I asked her why, she gave me a whole lot of shit ass excuse. Her favourite being I am a helluva cook that I intimidated her from serving her kind of food. I tried time and again to convince her that I am not a great cook, cuz I merely cook things my mom taught me and the things I feel like eating like pasta and such and that is no reason not to have variety by serving the Kelantanese dishes she knows. She never did. The only time I knew she cooked was two years ago, during Ramadhan, when I was away on a course. I thank God when she moved out. I am not gonna take the blame if she was just too lazy ass to cook and left every meal up to me. I am no fookin' tukang masak peribadi datuk nenek hang. Gheti?

7. She never cleaned up the house.
She never cleaned the downstairs bathroom. The gunk from soapy water that is discharged by the washing machine needs to be washes. She never did. We used to share the same adjoining bathroom. She never cleaned it! It was all up to me. She never vacuumed. She only mopped the livingroom floor when I told her to. And that was only one time. She never took the garbage out on her own accord. I didn't assign duties because I hate seeing timetables on the walls of my house and I thought anyone in this house should treat it like a home and tend to its needs like one's own. She obviously was happy living in a pigsty she calls her room. OMG. Her room! Augh!!!

8. She is conceited.
She believes, with full conviction, that everything about her is most definitely better than other people. Be it looks, money, family, relationships, behaviour, level of attractiveness, amount of pahala, etc. etc.

9. She strongly believe that only devastatingly beautiful people have strong and happy marriages.
She was baffled beyond words when Era Fazira was divorced. We ugly, lowly mere human beings do not have a chance like a snowflake in hell to have a happy and strong marriage because to her, only beauty will hold a man's heart. How shallow can anyone be?
But then, why does she flirt so much? Does she have a warped view of her true self or something?
My housemate Z is not drop dead gorgeous, but she is not ugly either, and she is a little on the plump side. But that's normal. Z used to have a jealous boyfriend. And she also have many male admirers, cuz she is a pleasant young woman to be with. One day Z thought she needed to vent, and confided in this person about what happened between her and her jealous bf, her coming from the same state as she is, the the 'klik' thing la. Z added that she said "I look like this pun abang nak cemburu," And you know what she said? She said this and I quote, "Z gemuk macam ni pun dia nak jeles?" Berani mati kau...? Bleh?

10. She trivializes other people's value of friendship.
Our mutual friend finally got a transfer back to Perak. We were buddies way before she came along. She knew him through me. But when he moved away, she bawled her eyes out, at every mention of his name even after a few weeks afterwards. That behavior prompted me to say, "You act like he moved to hell, and not to a better place. Lawas is not a bad place, but he was clearly miserable because he is not very well-accepted here. He needs to be among his kind (yes, he is that 'kind', but he was a lovely friend. We used to kutuk her because we both didn't like her much, but she tags along wherever I go, it was inevitable that she eventually thinks she is 'friends' with him)." "And what are you trying to tell me with all this crying that you are doing these past few weeks? Are you trying to tell me that because I am not crying so the value of my friendship with him is worth less than your friendship with him?" She quit doing that in front of me afterwards.

11. She buys things so she can brag about how much it is worth and what good taste she has.
I beg to differ. And gosh, I have seen people with better buys and steals who chose not to prattle on and on about their treasures or junk, whatever you wanna call them. Oh, and don't let me get started on her favourite monthly quote that goes like this..."Dah dekat hujung bulan ni, duit banyak lagi kat bank, tak tahu nak buat apa..." every time it was close to pay day. Do you know anyone who does this?

12. She is a messy eater.
I can understand how some men are messy when they eat with pieces of food on their lips and surrounding area. I don't get it when a girl does it. And she doesn't wash her hand with soap at the sink, just wash it using the water in the teapot thing these malay restaurants always have. Then when she thinks I am not seeing, she'd smell her fishy smelling hand.

13. She always looks down on other people.
I know they don't ask for it, but I really pity her new housemates. But now she cooks. At least that is a plus.

14. She feels that just because she does things for people, she owns them.

15. She flirts.
Every chance she has and she'd really have difficulty understanding if men are not interested in her and instead, direct their attention to the other lady teachers at our school. As if these other lady teachers are not as attractive as she is. She can be so full of herself that she forgets that not all men are tasteless.

16. She keeps scores on every mistake I make so she could gloat.
She is so clumsy at the restaurant, she always drops the spoon or the fork onto the floor and getting her sleeve in the gravy and such. But I always avert my eyes to save her the embarrassment. But when I did it, once, she looked at me with that look of disgust, like she never did that before.
I am a fairly good driver, but one thing I hate doing is actually looking back while I reverse the car. I depend wholly on the rearview mirror, not even caring for blind spots, but I know that there will be a time when that would get me into trouble. But I didn't really care, cuz I am so very lazy to actually turn myself round to actually look where I was going when I go in reverse. Adala sekali tu, actually that was the second time, but I assure you both time tak ada apa-apa masalah cuz I'd usually ease on the gas paddle when I do that, so kalau terkena apa-apa pun, it would not be anything major. But still, I admit, that is the biggest flaw in my driving. Anyway, I bumped into this other car. The driver was not mad at me, in fact it was over sooner than how it all started. But I was feeling miserable anyway because I was thinking that I had tarnished my almost flawless record with another silly bump. And what did she say the minute we stepped out of the car at home? "Itu dah kali kedua kan, akak langgar kereta orang?"
Am I paranoid and ultra sensitive or is she keeping score and being a bitch about it? You tell me.

17. She is so full of herself.
I taught her some of the things she knows today, on what to eat and why vegetables are crucial in our diet, how to drive, how to put make up on. What looks good on her. Shoes. I brought her into my circle of male friends. But now she seems like she has forgotten who she was when she first came here. I have our old photos. She had come a long way from that day. That person.

18. She is the biggest chicken I have ever met since highschool.
What's wrong with being scared of things you can't see, you ask? Hey, I am scared too sometimes, but at least I am woman enough to own up to it. But she just never ever wants to admit it! Let me lay it out for you.
People say there are ghosts in this house. Sure, why not. This place was a jungle way back then and they leveled everything up to build a housing development. Of course there might be unseen beings who are reluctant to leave these grounds. However, me being ESP impaired, have never, not even once during the times I had to be in this house alone for weeks on end when they were away, had come across any kind of manifestation of any sort. She on the other hand claims to hear things and feel things and get suffocated at night like something was laying on top of her on and on and on. OK, fine. She has all this manifestations in her room. Better hers than mine.
Then, she asked me to change the Astro subscription from the normal package with movies and news channels to sports because she claims and I quote "Saya minat sangat bola nih, Piala Dunia dah dekat, lepas tu nanti English Premier League pulak. Saya nak tengok bola sampai pagi nanti ni."
So I did, thinking that she would do just that. The numbers of times she watched football on TV, downstairs, alone, with the room down there being the other room being haunted? Nada, zilch, kosong, zero, tak pernah, haram sekali pun. We'd venture to tease her about it, in a friendly manner, kata dia penakut, dia pi bantai mengamuk, and flat out denied that she was scared of anything. Apa ke'jad'nya?

19. Tak padan bonsai, tapi kaki gaduh.
I am not a peaceful soul myself and I have had my share of arguments with people twice my age and even superior. But those are times when I stood for the right things or maybe I was being pig-headed. Whatever. However, I do realize the right time to argue and the right time to shut up and listen to the message the other party is trying to put across. But she always finds that any situation is suitable for confrontation.

Here is my case.

I was teaching her to drive. No, I do not have the license to teach driving, but I did it with utmost care. I know it was gonna be fun for me and for her. And I thought that would give her a leg up when it comes time for her to get her own driver's license. Anyway, that one day, we were in KK at her sister's place, her sister said why don't we take her smaller second car which was a Kancil for practice that afternoon, to which we agreed. So we took the car, I had to drive it out of the steep driveway in reverse to get it onto the main road because she still could not do that then. But the road was winding and we couldn't really see what was coming from the other side of the bend. The cars there were mostly pickups and they are so fast probably because they are used to the road. But this pig-headed person, drove like she was sort of like a stunt driver, wanting to show off to me, for some reason. I told her " Jangan makan jalan orang, jalan ni berliku tak nampak apa yang datang around the bend, nanti terkam kereta orang." Dia degil tetap bawak kereta laju-laju padahal baru berapa hari je pegang stereng. Aku sound lagi. "Kau ni kenapa? Jangan laju, area ni tak sesuai bawak laju, berliku, tak nampak kereta datang dari arah sana, laju-laju pulak tu. Kalau eksiden karang, dah la kau tu tak ada lesen, kereta ni kakak kau punya pulak. Banyak bala dari faedah nanti."
Dia perginya marah aku balik, kata aku membebel! Boleh? Kurang ajar tak? Dah la kepala batu, kurang ajar pulak tu.
So aku kata, fine, bawak la kau sendiri, kalau eksiden nanti, mari la kita mampus sama-sama, k? tapi bila sampai bukit, sebab degil kepala batu dan berlagak pandai kan? So aku takde la remind her to shift to lower gear nak panjat bukit. Not even halfway up, kereta tu stalled and came to a stop. Enjin pun mati. Baru dia gelabah. She looked at me and said, "Kak, nak buat cemana ni?" Oh is that not a situation nak balas dendam? I said, "Hah, bukan dah pandai ke tadi? Buat la apa yang patut." Dah terhegeh-hegeh terkemut-kemut tak tahu nak buat apa, so I pulled the emergency brakes and told her to step on the clutch so that I could free the gear. "Ha, start the engine." She started it. Then she didn't do anything.

"Tunggu apa lagi? Masuk gear satu, pijak minyak, lepas handbrake, jalanla..."
"Tolong tukar gear kak...."
"Apsal pulak? Tangan ko kenapa?"
"Nak pegang stereng...." itu la jawapan dia kaki gaduh and degil tu, bila dan menggelabah tahap tenuk cam tu.

My second argument to the case in point;
We were in KK, it was after 8pm and we were headed to the airport. I can't really remember why we were going there, but there was C and that person with me in the car. C was in the back. I was cruising at quite a speed as I took a left exit into the airport compound, not realizing that that road would join the other road bringing people from the north side. And aku bertembung dengan siapa malam tu and hampir nak melanggarnya...? Polis trafik, nko.... yang naik Harley putih, baju putih dengan knee-high boots tu. These guys berdua, on seperate bikes, and aku nak langgar diorang as we were both entering the airport compound. Aku pun stop my car right behind their Harleys.

Bottomline, I know for a fact that I was wrong. I should have yielded for the people coming from my right and I should not have driven so fast. I am a speed demon, you see. And the road had shrubberies and not properly lit. And I totally forgot about the other road. Anyway, that is not an excuse for such conduct. So what else could I have done than to just shut up while he gave me a mild talking to, admitted my mistakes and apologized, promising to do my best not to repeat the same mistake. I was let off scott-free.

He was nice enough not to yell at me and make me cry. He was stern and firm. But not rude. I respect him for having such composure. If it was me, habislah kau aku maki sampai lunyai.
Dah selesai kes tu, what did this person say to me?

"Baiknya akak, kalau saya, saya dah maki dia balik tadi."
Korang rasa kalau aku tampar mulut dia sampai berdarah, layak tak dia terima, masa tu kerana membawa sentimen berbau batu api ni in a stressful time like that?

And when she got her license, she had the nerve to berlagak yang her license tak P like mine was for a whole two years. Her P was for her motorbike license and it was over by the time she got her driver's license. For some freakin' reason, that is how things are in our country. So that the little b*atch can gloat nonsensically over something as petty as that. At least I got it fair and square. She, I don't know if it was true, but this is right from the horse's mouth. She bergaduh and melawan every word the JPJ person said masa ujian, sampaikan orang tu dah malas nak layan, and just gave her a pass. Honest to goodness, that's what she told me.

Oh there is more. But these are just some of the major peeves I and my current housemate have with her.

But there is a gem I would like to share with you. She bought the washing machine, but we both use it, because it seemed only fair that she rides in my car every day to school, right? One day, she and I got our effeminate guy friend who transfered back home I told you earlier and we went for a ride. As we were talking, the issue of the washing machine came up. She said something along the line "Kalau akak (apatah aku tak ingat dah) nanti saya tak bagi akak guna washing machine saya." My friend yang fonen tu memang cepat menjawab, and dia pun bukan housemate kitorang so he could take that liberty of saying that thing he said next, in reply to her. "Alah kak, kalau dia tak bagi akak guna washing machine tu takpelah, biar dia pergi sekolah naik washing machine tu pagi-pagi. Kita tengok cemana nanti, ye kak?" Boleh? Laserina sangat! Kan? Mak suker!

Well, I might be guilty of some of the crimes that she commit, but this is my blog and I may be contradicting myself with this entry. Who the fuck cares? At the end of the day, this is my blog and I can write about most things I want to and if you find that this entry is not up to par with the usual servings, you may leave.

But trust me, she is a total ...

And I do realize that this entry is petty. Not classy at all. In bad taste. Whatever you wanna call it. But sometimes, it just makes you feel good to be able to come out with it.

But aren't you just glad that I finally have something to say that is not about N?


lekiu said...

I ada kawan macam tu jugak, my friends and I used to call him "the friend from hell".

Kesian kat you pun ada, ketawa pun ada.

Belladonna said...

Astagaaaaaa@!! si Ustazah Slurpy rupanya yang pindah rumah tu! Ish, banci banar kadiaku mendangar eeee!!!!

Minta maaflah, tapi kengkadang ada spesis 'perempuan alim' yang berperangai macam ni sebab aku pernah tinggal serumah ngan orang sebeginiew. Perasan and suka syok sendiri, especially when it comes to guys. Gedik!

Rasa cam nak sekeh2 je kepala minah tu. Ni baru baca, blum tengok muka dia in person lagi. Aku rasa kalaulah aku one of your housemate, ada yang mati menangis kena marah hari2 each time dia buat perangai.

Dia kata si Z tu gemuk, lawa sangat ke dia? Mulut memang nak kena cili.

Tapi walau cemanapun, aku salute lah kat uols sebab masih mampu bersabar dan bertahan dengan mulut dan perangai 'laha' nya ittew. Kalau aku, dah lama aku bo layan and pretend she doesnt exist at all.

"Naik washing machine"? Pandai sungguh kawan uols tu caras dia balik, padan muka nya.

*laha = lahanat*

Aku Yang Anti Orang Hipokrit

Anillynnette said...

lekiu, memang dia tu ada perangai housemate from hell. Jangan la ketawa ko... orang sakit hati nieh!

Bella, tak tahu lah aku kenapa aku baik sangat. Boleh sabar dengan dia tu. Tapi kalau orang luar aku selalu jugak maki kalau aku marah. tapi kalau dah jadi housemate, aku susah nak buat apa-apa, cuz aku tak suka the repurcussions afterwards. I hate cold wars.

However, kalau dapat ko jadi hosmet memang seronok la.. bleh kita tag team. Huhuhuh...

Towards the end, adalah dalam setahun jugak, we were joined by C... dia ni tinggi lampai, slim and macam ala-ala supermodel sikit. Walau mukanya tak jelita, dia tak la huduh plak. Kira lawa la kan, ada complete package. Rajin plak tu. Sejak C ni pindah join kami, dia terus jadi kera sumbang. Balik umah dari sekolah terus je masuk bilik tak kuar-kuar. Sampai pagi esok. Insecure and jealous kut, seeing that I can be so friendly with such a newbie and also finally someone else really looks better than her? Ahahah itu my own assumption. Tapi manalah tahu. Apa masalahnya dia tak leh join we all in the livingroom with C around kalau tak kerana tu kan?

wohoo.... jahat entry aku kali inniew.