loyalty

Dear J,

The connection in my area was disrupted the whole day, yesterday. That's why there was no update. Besides, I don't update everyday anyways.

So, in response to your entry the past few days;

I know why you wrote that entry; to remind yourself how wondrous it was how you and Amin came to be. So that you would not be swayed by any other guy who is supposed to be unable to forget you or anyone crossing paths with you.

Here I am gonna tell you as it is. If you really mean a lot to him, he should just buzz off and leave you be with your happiness. What is his motive coming out of the blue and telling you all that he did when you are already dah buat keputusan melayari bahtera bahagia with your rightful husband? Does it make him feel good that you are now miserable and having second thoughts of the choices and decisions you have made once upon a time ago rendering it all wrong and meaningless when you thought that it was the one and only best and most dead-on decision you have ever made in your whole life?

What kind of bastard does that to a woman he claims to love?

If he really loves you, here is what he should do; wish you luck and and just be happy that you (the woman he loves) has finally found your own happiness, even if it is with another man. And he should also just shut his mouth and disappear or if can't just disappear, maintain a civilized relationship with you at a safe distance.

J,

He is MARRIED and he should be doing his best making his wife and children happy and content and NOT wasting his energy investing in something that will never be. It was never meant to be. I was NEVER meant to be.

Furthermore, adakah seorang lelaki yang baik akan melakukan apa yang dia telah lakukan? Apa yang kurang pada isterinya sekarang? Kalau kurang kenapa tak berbincang dengan dia dan cari penyelesaian? Kenapa dulu perfect, sekarang kena tune-up sikit dah banyak complaints? Don't you think if he could do it to his current wife, he could do it to you too?

Let me remind you of the disgust you felt when you wrote that entry about how people in your office are having affairs among them and that you will never let yourself slip and sink to their level? Believe me, J, even if it is gratifying for now, but once the excitement and novelty dissipates, you will only be left with that deep feeling of disgust of yourself for being the person you never thought you would be.

Before you go bursting out into a great white ball of fire because you are mad at me for thinking bad things about you, of all people, my best friend, I would like to say that I know, you are not thinking about what I think you are thinking. I just wrote these for that element of surprise.

Lemme tell you about me, JEB and N.

That Thursday night in Limbang when we spent that hour talking about almost everything in front of the mosque in the middle of the night, with the burger guy nearby, I also told him about JEB. About the part where he is happily married and the proud father of three beautiful boys. N said, flat out, leave him. I could understand how a man like N would say something like that to me, but then I didn't realize that he wanted to have something with me. But that's what I did. Some stranger came into my life and I made a decision based on what he told me to do. I'm not shallow. At least I hope not. But I have always known that what I had with JEB was wrong and I would one day find the courage and the strength to extract myself from him. But the time never came. JEB keeps having conflicts in his life that constantly needs me to postpone myself in order to be supportive of him.

Despite everything, I knew, I needed that nudge. And that nudge came along in what seemed to be another complete but married package. But that was easily solved soon after. Before I knew it, I found myself hoping that N would be the safety net that would catch me when I finally leave JEB.

It was bad of me to have left JEB in the dust not even seeing what hit him. JEB was angry. He was bitter. He wanted so much to tell me that I was making a mistake and that wants me, sampaikan he said, he will still take me back if N decides to leave me as long as I have not had sex with N. That's just the way JEB is. He thinks everyone is into premarital sex, just because he was, in his youth. But in the end, he wished me luck and disappeared.

I ceased contact with him, in fear that I might be weak and go back to him if I sail through choppy waters with N. I did sail through choppy waters with N. And though I did not have any intention to go back to JEB of all people, and in all his troubles and strangeness, I also remember JEB as a very wise person with useful insight into the world.

So last July, when I wished him Happy Birthday, he e-mailed me asking me how I was. And we embarked on an e-mailing spree until 12 midnight. I told him about the problems N and I was having and what N was trying to do and how would I know if N was serious and not just playing with my feelings. It had been 11 months since I last saw N and I was thinking that N might not be coming back at all. I was thinking, who on earth would come back for me after more than 10 months of troubled relationship?

JEB did. He came back after 4 years. Does that mean he really, really loves me? I don't know. I didn't really care, because I had made my choice, in August of last year, and I have every intention to stand by my decision, good or bad. I have never made any huge decision in my life before that I was totally sure of. But I was very sure of N, despite everything.

Then JEB laid it out all on me and left me to make my own decision.

That is what a man who really loves a woman would do. Be there for her in her time of need and not create any more trouble that she already has and not try to sway her next decision.

He respected me enough, to understand that I am now in love with someone else and believed that I will be happier with him. He understood that I do not want to be the other woman anymore.

I WAS the other woman. Listen to me and believe me when I say you DO NOT want to feel the way I still do today for being so weak and ended up actually being the other woman.

Let's face it, nothing is perfect in this whole wide world. That is why we have to constantly work on these imperfections so that it will work for us. What I mean to say is, sure there are gonna be times when you feel like pulling your hair out by the roots when Amin does something you don't like, but that does not mean he is bad or love you any less and that you should ditch him. You know that already right? But what I really wanna say is that, you have made your choice. Good or bad, it is totally up to you to make it work, however you choose it to be. So this question about the other guy from your past should never had been an issue to put of off track for these past few days.

I know, I can be a little bit of an idealist, but I have learned that most things in life are not exactly in black and white. There will be circumstances where we will find that we are helpless or clueless on the best course of action. But you know there is always God to turn to.

Hey, you know what? I have no problem trusting your judgement because I know you have a good head over your shoulder and I trust you can and will do the right thing.

If you feel sorry for him, tell yourself this; those are his problems. He should solve it the way he sees fit and not burden you with something that is none of your concern.

Remain steadfast. No matter what, because at the end of the day, you can sleep soundly under the covers, warm and snug in his arms knowing that he is married to a woman worthy of his love, devotion and adoration.

Be happy and content with the knowledge that his heart will remain in safety with you, come what may.