J said something about 'membuka peking di dada' in her comments for me. I am not upset with her, because I know where she is coming from with that. She is not the type yang suka bising-bising about the embarrassing things in her life. But I am not like her.
I am not saying that I like to canang the realities of my life that are sometimes not too pleasant. But then again, I am the type who can't keep things bottled up. I don't like talking about things with any of my colleagues, even my housemates because I don't connect with anyone on that level.
I need to rant and curse and be mad and break everything down to smaller pieces until I am satisfied. Only then I can move on with my life. That's why I wrote N so many letters, ranting about stuff when I was having that difficult time with him. He responded to most of them his very calm and collected way, that gets to me even more. I stopped bothering as the anger subsided.
But I think J was referring to the bit where I wrote the open letter to her about that guy who decided to pop back into her life now that she is happily married. In the process, I have even managed to include my sordid affair with a married guy.
Let me tell you, while I may never forgive myself for being so weak, I might forget my mistakes and go all 'mightier than thou' preaching mode. But I never for once, condoned what I had done and I have included that sorry bit of my life in the letter so that she would be able to learn how shitty it made me feel and how shitty it sounds coming from your best friend, so that she would never ever even think about rekindling anything with anyone who was never meant to be. No matter how hard things are gonna be between her and Ameen, I just want this sad, sad 'pekung di dada' of my life to be an example. That it could happen to the most 'hati besi' kind of person. That it is so easy to succumb to pleas. To feel sorry for people who are so-called living in misery with the family he already had. It was a different case with JEB. But still, now that it has happened, no matter what I do or say to myself to make me feel better about it, I will never feel the same way I did before.
That was why, I feel more than elated when someone did come along to slap me back into sense and actually tell me not to go ahead with such foolishness and come back to reality.
Shameful, shameful blight of my past, but I need to put it in here so that I will remember. I know J doesn't need it. But I need it. So the so-called opening of the boils on my chest had to be done, so that hopefully, I will be humbled into realizing that not everything is in black and white because humans are complex beings and no matter how hard you try, you will stumble, but after all the pain is gone, you have to pick yourself up and face the world and make the best of what you have learned.
I always learn it best the hard way.
So you see, it wasn't for J, really. It was for me because I never want to be in that dark place in my life again.
I am not saying that I like to canang the realities of my life that are sometimes not too pleasant. But then again, I am the type who can't keep things bottled up. I don't like talking about things with any of my colleagues, even my housemates because I don't connect with anyone on that level.
I need to rant and curse and be mad and break everything down to smaller pieces until I am satisfied. Only then I can move on with my life. That's why I wrote N so many letters, ranting about stuff when I was having that difficult time with him. He responded to most of them his very calm and collected way, that gets to me even more. I stopped bothering as the anger subsided.
But I think J was referring to the bit where I wrote the open letter to her about that guy who decided to pop back into her life now that she is happily married. In the process, I have even managed to include my sordid affair with a married guy.
Let me tell you, while I may never forgive myself for being so weak, I might forget my mistakes and go all 'mightier than thou' preaching mode. But I never for once, condoned what I had done and I have included that sorry bit of my life in the letter so that she would be able to learn how shitty it made me feel and how shitty it sounds coming from your best friend, so that she would never ever even think about rekindling anything with anyone who was never meant to be. No matter how hard things are gonna be between her and Ameen, I just want this sad, sad 'pekung di dada' of my life to be an example. That it could happen to the most 'hati besi' kind of person. That it is so easy to succumb to pleas. To feel sorry for people who are so-called living in misery with the family he already had. It was a different case with JEB. But still, now that it has happened, no matter what I do or say to myself to make me feel better about it, I will never feel the same way I did before.
That was why, I feel more than elated when someone did come along to slap me back into sense and actually tell me not to go ahead with such foolishness and come back to reality.
Shameful, shameful blight of my past, but I need to put it in here so that I will remember. I know J doesn't need it. But I need it. So the so-called opening of the boils on my chest had to be done, so that hopefully, I will be humbled into realizing that not everything is in black and white because humans are complex beings and no matter how hard you try, you will stumble, but after all the pain is gone, you have to pick yourself up and face the world and make the best of what you have learned.
I always learn it best the hard way.
So you see, it wasn't for J, really. It was for me because I never want to be in that dark place in my life again.
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