Tuesday, July 24, 2007

evil thoughts

Am I an experiment?

It seems that his life is full of experiments. They mostly turn out alright. That aside, am I one of his experiments?

I called him and asked if he was coming along with his team. He told me that he has tons to do at work and he will find time to come here. He's also told me that he does not like leaving loose ends at work. He doesn't like traveling with things hanging on his mind. If he manages to get out of the office, he will come over the weekend, separate from his team. A flight, maybe.

I wanted so much to say to him,

"Well, why don't you come here when you retire then?"

I didn't, of course.

I have learned to hold my tongue when it comes to him. Not out of fear. Out of realization that I can be quite disrespectful when I am upset. I don't like that bit about myself, so I am gonna change it.

Today another guy from another branch of the same institution came to my school. He's totally my type. Tall, medium build, bespectacled, but not the nerdy kind, 36, manly enough not to resort to the 'metrosexual' man shit, healthy tan, good sense of humor. We had a good chat. I joked. We laughed.

I have the guys' business card, and he's asked me to give him a call the next time I go to KK. Maybe for a round of ten pin bowling or a movie.

Is this an avenue for me to cheat? I can if I want to. Kalau ikutkan hati. Tapi itu sebab orang kata ikut hati, mati. Overconfidence on my part? Perasan? Call it whatever you want, but to me, I am just angry. I need something to pummel to death. I wish I can pummel him to death.

I wish I feel like cheating on him. I just don't.

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