Tuesday, July 31, 2007

how it all began

I was ugly the day he came to my school. No make up, the worst work wear I had in my wardrobe, tired-looking. I only had my wit at my dispense.

I though he was Chinese. Then he gave me his business card. His name was Haji Something bin Something. Underneath it, Principal. And I thought he was the staff. And then we talked He is a Melanau and Malay mix. Reserved. Introverted. He wore glasses. The quiet, nerdy type, but not too much. He went to Harvard for his master's degree, as it said on the card. He seemed so much like the type I would like to be with, but he'd most probably be happily married with kids out of the nest and he is enjoying life and work again. I am not gonna be a home-wrecker.

Took him to the school hall for the program, introduced him to the students and sat for a while before I left for my classes. Then sat with him through lunch.

At the top of the steps before he left, he asked me for my number. I am in charge of the students, he does these programs for kids, so I thought OKlah, give you my number.

Then we played 'guess how much my back pack costs'. I said RM400. He said, smart. I thought to myself, snob. Then he got into the van, and was on his way back to town.

That evening he called me if we could go for dinner. I said yes, but took Zana along for company. I went because I thought he might be feeling awkward eating alone.

Two weeks later he called me up on my phone again and asked if I could go to Limbang for dinner with him. He's from Kuching, but he would be in Limbang for a program the next week. He offered to pay for accommodations when I was hesitant. I refused because I would have to spend the night in Limbang and will be late for school the next day.
Besides, that seemed dodgy to me.

I was instructed to join the centralized practice for netball in Limbang the next Wednesday, the same day he was due to leave for Kuching from Limbang.

The fact that I was not fit for the tournament made me fight the decision of making me part of the team who will go to Kuching for the Divisions. I suggested other people only to be told that by my manager that he doesn't care about the other people. He wanted me to go. He didn't say why, but maybe cuz my team won when I was the one cheering on the side of the court. I was a lunatic. You'd be embarrassed to see me. LOL.

It was Wednesday, and I didn't have anything packed. I rushed back home to pack up my things and text messaged him telling him I'd be there indeed. He said, ok, so he'll wait for me.

I got there 3 hours later. Picked him up in front of his hotel, took him to a restaurant along with my two friends who came with me in my car for the practice. I asked him, when was his flight leaving. He said, it already left. I didn't know what to say to that. He asked me when was I leaving for Lawas again. I said, Friday. He said, then he will have to postpone flying back till Friday then.

I thought he was a smooth operator.

Then dropped him off at his hotel. Went for practice.

Wenesday night : dinner, with Hajjah Kiah and Kak Fatimah and him.
Thursday morning : breakfast with him and the gang. Then netball practice.
Thursday afternoon : took the gang to the plaza to look for futsal boots. He asked me where I was on text. I told him. He told me he was at the market. And then he was in the lobby. The plaza building is adjacent to the hotel building. Later on, I text him it was time to go. He text me back that he was still at the lobby. What would that mean? Not wanting to be rude, I went to see him in the lobby; in the sweaty, smelly things I had on and face so shiny, my friends can see their image on my cheeks. He was not shocked to see me that way. Which I took as a sign of him not interested in me in any way. Which is a good thing, because then I would not have such hard time saying 'No' when he whips out the bottles of slimming pills.

He had 4 huge grilled fish from the market with him in the lobby and he wanted to take me to lunch. We talked some and then I called my friends who were waiting for me at KFC and told them about the plan and I am taking all of them with me. All 4 of them. And we still couldn't finish the 4 fish, they were so big.

Went to the park for a walk after lunch. With him and the gang. But the gang walked the other way. I hollered at them why they walking away? They yelled back, go ahead, go ahead, we're right here. I was like.... huh? He said, let 'em go anywhere they want, they'll be fine.
Walked and talked. It was ... I don't know. Never been there, never done that. I didn't really know what his intentions were. I swear. I thought he was being nice because he wanted to sell some slimming product. He wouldn't be the first to do that; be nice to me so I'd buy their stuff.

Took him back to his hotel and went for another round of practice and then went to my friend's place for a shower.

He asked me if I had plans that night. I said no. He said come to dinner then, he had prawns, clams, veggies, and watermelon from the market. Asked Hajjah Kiah and Kak Fatimah to come along. They refused. Kak Fatimah said she was too tired. Hajjah Kiah said no too because she wanted me to go there alone so he could have some time alone with me. I asked her, why do you want me to have some time alone with him? So he can whip out the slimming pills he's been wanting to sell to me since the first day he saw me??? She said, don't be SILLY! He's a nice man and he might wanna say something so I don't wanna be there spoiling the mood. I was like.... NOOOO....!!! Please come with me, please, please! I'd like to have someone to be there with me when I say No to his slimming pills. She said... Yus! Quit that. He's not gonna do any of that sort. Go have dinner, have fun.

I was like.... FINE! I'll go. I can say no, no problem.

Waited for him in the lobby. He came up to me from behind and asked me if my friends are with me. I said, no. He said... we are going to have some trouble with dinner then. I saw him holding a huge plastic bag. Inside was enough food for 4 people. 4 really greedy people, that is. Took him in the car to the open air food stalls. He asked the cook to prepare the things he's got there.

We ate. Like ... I don't know what. More than any normal people would eat when they are hungry. And there was still a lot left. Then there was the watermelon. All the while, I was thinking, when is he gonna start telling me about his health product. Then there were the peanuts. Then I said I have had enough, no more food for the next few days. He laughed. And then I suggested we take a walk. He asked them to put the leftovers in doggy bags for me to take home. Left them in the car, and we went for a walk all over the town. It was a breezy night. We walked all the way to the end of the waterfront and then doubled back to his hotel. The mosque was next to it, there was a line on marble benches right in front, we sat there and talked. The burger stall guy probably listened to most of the things we said. He told me everything. Like I was shocked that he was telling me all that he was telling me. What was he thinking? Even why he and his wife had split up. I told him about you. Of course he thought I was cuckoo. I told him you weren't that badlah. Just married. Then I looked at my watch, it was already 11.30. I am such a rude guest. I had to rush back. It was so late already. I left him in front of the hotel and drove back.

I changed and was in bed thinking about what had happened. Why was he being so nice? What did he want? Then a text came in. It simply said, I think I like you.

I thought... think? You think? THINK you like me? I showed Hajjah Kiah the text, she was sleeping next to me. She said... There, I told you so....

I text him back, I think I like you too. Keyword here is like. I thought it was gonna be just another one of those friend friend thing. Until the next morning that is.

I text him that we'd go for breakfast, then drop my friends of for practice, and then I dropped him off at the airport, how does that sound? He said, that sounds good. Thank you.

He called me the next morning to see if I can have breakfast with him at the hotel restaurant instead, just the two of us. I thought to myself, in my sportswear? I look bad in most things. I look the worst in that. He's seen me all dirty and smelly. I didn't want the other hotel guests to see me with him and embarrass him. So I said, I have to take my friends with me. So with my friends tagging along, I picked him up, took him for some nasi lemak. Then dropped my friends at practice and drove him to the airport.

In the car he told me he was in love with me. I thought to myself, he might be a mental case. I just smiled blankly at him. At the airport, I waited with him for the boarding. He played with his phone while I looked at people. When it was time to go, he placed his hands on my waist and bended down to kiss me?! What the fuck!? This is not fucking America!

I pushed him away, and said sorry, I don't do this kind of thing. He was okay about it. And when he entered the departure hall, I walked away as fast as I could out of the airport towards my car.

As I was driving away, my phone rang. It was him. He asked me if I was OK. I said, of course, why wouldn't I be? We hung up and I found a text on my phone. He sent me text while we were sitting side by side, earlier at the airport. He is such a strange man.

So we text and call each other from time to time after that. He told me to pray and fast in certain dates of the Islamic calendar and ask God to make us an easy path for a life together. I like him. But he was rushing me.

He also asked me to read the whole Quran during Ramadhan. He makes me go to bed at 8pm, like him. And wake up at 4.30 so I can pray and read the Yassin every morning, like him. He told me to go for the mandatory marriage course for muslims. I was like... what???? But I haven't gone yet. Cuz why would I wanna go if he doesn't even want to see me. After the stupid misunderstanding.

He said the earliest we could get married, was end of last year but that is not a good year so we better not.

He scares me in the sense that he seems like a lunatic in his plans. But he doesn't look like an evil mastermind to me. I don't know.

It all happened so suddenly. I didn't know what hit me.

Now I am scared and confused. I gave him three chances to walk away at different times. He said he is not leaving. He is just trying to look for a way to make things better between us. I thought he was just dodging the issue.

If I am not worth understanding, then why the hell does he want to have anything to do with me? He has 4 grown up, successful kids. He had a marriage. He has his job which he loves so much. He loves traveling and he does that a lot with his job. He's met a looooooot of people. But he picked me? Why does he want me? Do I look desperate to him? Just so he will have someone to wipe his ass when he is old and bedridden? He can pay people to do it for him. Then why bother working for something he doesn't need? Just because he wants?

You can probably see where I started cheating on you again. But I didn't tell you this because I want to reignite your anger and disappointment towards me. But what has happened seemed so strange that no one I have told could decipher his real agenda. I am scared of making the wrong decision. I'd rather be alone than be stuck with anyone and being miserable. I just don't know what I should do.

I am still not OK about him putting me on hold for such a long time. I am not a thing he can put aside whenever I inconvenienced him. I don't wanna meet him yet. I am still upset. But he is making plans to come over with another team from his college. I don't know how to tell him that I need more time away from him without hurting his feelings. So I just said OK whenever he started talking about his visit.

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