Wednesday, January 24, 2007


You know what the problem is with some people? They want it when they don't have it, and when they do, they forget what they wanted it for. And that is the kind of problem I have, sometimes.

I didn't have a blog before and I was happy just being a reader. I write my own thoughts in a pretty book and wonder what it would be like to be able to put the things I have written in there out there in cyberworld. I have always thought that I won't be doing it. And it wasn't until a couple of years later that I decided that it is okay to open myself up a little on the internet.

So here it is, a blog. It's been a week since I updated my entries. And I am running out of steam. Look at this entry for example. I began with two paragraphs of nothing.

My Monday was great. I started out fasting. But then later in the morning, I was reminded that we were all throwing a farewell party for A and C because they will be leaving us on Friday. I am so glad that they get to transfer back to their hometown and at the same time, because there aren't so many lucky couples as they are.

I decided that I will break my fast just so I can celebrate that day with them. So I went to the party. There were some speech, there were some gift giving and then there was open floor. My boss said something. Kak L sais something how when you work hard the two of them, you will see result etc. T said something. I wanted to say something so much, but I am reminded that I have a problem controlling my emotions. So I laughingly said to A that I will just write her a letter later on. Besides, I will be able to say all that I want to say to her as precisely as I want to. She was one of the 7 who came here back in 1999.

There is not explaining it. I can write and express myself well in writing. But when it comes to making a heartfelt impromptu speech for just about anything, I will be overwhelmed by my emotions, so much so that I will be sobbing and crying my eyeballs out and get my nose all stuffed and all this will reduce me to nothing but a blabbering blob of mucus. Who needs that at a party? I don't.

So, what would have been a 5 minute speech about how much fun we had when we all first got here all 7 of us back in '99, and how she is a fun-loving, warm and giving person, ended with just a wave of the hand and a silly explanation about my so-called problem peppered with some nervous laughter. I wish I could.

But then, I do think that letter will be far better than what I could have said that day. I will be able to get my thoughts in line and what I want to say to her is personal, no one else should hear it. Not at a party where people will brush off a genuine tear that comes from the sense of loss of a long-time friend with nervous laughter let out in unison. Besides, it's better that way because she will have that letter to keep.

Had a brief meeting with all the admin people. And then there we discovered a small glitch, due to miscommunication. And I had that angry look on my face. I was disappointed with someone in the committee. He is a good worker, but a very bad communicator. I have explained things to him on how he should notify me on things, but he keeps not doing that. Sometimes I can have a baseball bat so I can actually hit it home, literally.

Then I got a text message from Kak L that night, sounding like she was sorry that she keeps disappointing people in whatever she does at work.

I told her that no one was mad at her for anything and she is doing fine. She should be strong because we need her to be that way. We cannot have a quitter as one of the heads of our department. The decisions she has made so far had been right. She should not listen to what these people say. I remember a saying about leaders. Sometimes, it can be lonely being up there. She has to accept the fact that once she is up there, there are decisions that she has to make that makes some people hate her guts. What she needs to realize is that, the bottomline is, it is for the greater good. Besides, would they know what to do if they were put in her shoes? How would they know when they have no idea of the kind of shit Kak L has to go through straightening out all the mess and screw ups of the past management. I know she can do it, because she has been doing a pretty darn good job so far.

I wish I can tell her that everyday, but I am not big on praising people too often or unnecessarily, because I didn't grow up being fed with praises. Everything I do today, I do for the sense of responsibility and the enjoyment and fulfillment I derive knowing that I did a good job. And no one can take that fact away from me.

I wanted to tell her that it is okay if she wants to move away from there, but don't do it because she gave up.

Tuesday was a power-charged day. At least for me it was. I had all that day to myself so I spent it in my office getting my filing system in order and tracing letters that has been lost under the piles of documents and junk. I am very bad at filing things away. But I am going to do my very best not to be slack about it this year. Yes, one of my New Year's resolution is to be better at maintaining a systematic filing system for my department. Darn it, somehow I feel that makes me sound like an anal spinster. Well, I am a spinster by some standards, but I am definitely not anal.

Then the head of one of the committees under my department has requested that he is taken off the responsibility. My boss called me over to his office to sort that out.

The story goes, I think, is that the poor guy is feeling unappreciated. His work had gone past unnoticed. Believe me, we do notice it, but like I said, I am just bad ad praising people even when I know that we live in a world where praises is a good motivational tool.

I'd type it all out here, but then I am already sleepy. What I remember is I asked him to forget about what has happened because there is nothing he can do about it and no one can change what has happened. He should start over with everyone from now on. To help him, I will try to sort some matters with someone under him whom he is having some problems with. It was all just a big misunderstanding. And before we adjourned, I told him, he can choose between being a success or a failure, it is in his hands, but quitting should not be included in the equation.

Come to think of it, I am a bit harsh that Monday. I was disappointed that despite my best effort and coaxing, someone still failed to communicate with me and that is such a vital information. I was mad. But I meant every word I said because I want everyone to understand my situation if I am caught not knowing these little facts kept from me due to some stubborn mule's mistakes.

And Tuesday was also a time when I go jogging. I have stopped for more than 4 years so it is about time that I start again. It was not much really, the first few times. Do you know how hard it is to start doing something you have left for so long? It burns baby! I was anticipating our sessions, but that day Z stepped into my office already changed, but looking quite yellow. She staggered inside.

"Kak.... ada benda nak makan tak?" she half whimpered.(Is there anything I can eat?)

"Why? What happened?" I was surprised that she looked so weak.

"I need something to eat, I am so hungry, I am shaking"

If anyone knows this medical condition, please tell me. She had lunch. And that was just 4 in the afternoon. Why is she shaking from hunger already?

Luckily, I had T tapao me some rice with tom yam during lunch, but I was too busy to eat so the food was still on my desk untouched. I told her she can have it, so she ate it up. She didn't finish it, though.

Then we drove home. It was a little bit of a let down because I really am aiming to be more disciplined about it this year and have set Tuesdays and Thursdays for running. But that's okay. No reason to beat myself up about it. I could have run alone, but then, where's the fun in that, eh?

Then I got a message from N.

He asked me if my new account is working properly and if I have received his e-mail, sent on Sunday.

I replied; Just hit the Reply button. Left the computer online the whole weekend. Nothing from you.

He said texted back; Hmm maybe it didn't get through.

I texted; I guess so. Some mundane detail of my life, and ended it with a Take care.

Today, was another great day. Why? I don't exactly know. But I think because for a few days, I am released from my madness. My madness comes every month. For three of the four weeks, I will be taken over by the madness. The one week that I am free of it, I can totally concentrate on my work and clients. That gives me a sense of fulfillment. Maybe that is why this week has been great one so far.

How will tomorrow be? I hate to hope, but I do hope it will be better than today.

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