Wednesday, January 24, 2007


I get mad at people when they trivialize something I consider a big deal. It is okay for me to stomp all over that person for making that grave mistake, but what do I do when that person is my intended?

I was mad, frustrated, confused. Naturally, that will make someone quite unhappy, wouldn't it?

N told me that we can choose how to feel every morning. He chooses to be happy all the time because that is the pact he makes with himself everyday. To be happy and enjoy everything that life has to offer. There is nothing wrong with that. I second him.

But then, schizophrenics cannot choose not to hear voices in their heads. The depressed cannot help having suicidal tendencies. Drama Queens can't help be overwhelmed by their emotions in public places. Oh God forbid. I am none of these. Thank God.... Uhuh. Keep telling yourself that, Lynette.

Most days, I wake up undecided on how I'd feel that day. And when I look at that puffy face with crusty eyes and bed head, I do feel like throwing myself back in bed and spend the day wallowing in self-pity. Oh the world is a cruel place, blah-de-blah-de-blah...

But I step into the shower anyway. I scrub myself clean anyway. I wash the crust from my eyes anyway. I rub the calluses away with pumice anyway. And I brush my teeth anyway.

Then I will find myself wrapped in the fluffy white towel N gave me, plunked on my bed . With the fan full blast in my face, I apply my war paint. Then I will get dressed. Then I will admire what a masterpiece I am that morning and I am ready for anything. Anything!

And true to my words, days spent at work is perhaps the best days of my life. Don't get me wrong, I am not a workaholic. But when you love your job so much, it is like going out to play.

I am truly blessed in a sense that this organization is a tiny one and every member is a part of a family. We know each other and sometimes, we feel each other. We miss people who goes away, we cherish those who stay. And our clients has definitely improved throughout the years. I had a great relationship with my old boss, but with the new boss, it is better if not the same. And the co-operation I get from the people under me, makes me wanna present them with knick knacks from Tiffany's. Well, maybe if ever I can afford that.

But really, I am blessed.

But with all that blessings and happiness and contentment, how would one feel when a man decides to barge into your life and turn it all upside down and leave you at the first signs of the wild fire that is slowly burning away beneath the surface, waiting for that tiny crack for it to burst into flames?

I am happy where I am. I am independent. I am happy making people around me happy. I want to have a happy life with someone. But I don't want a happy but boring life. I want sparks. I want debates. I want quiet drives on a lonely road. I want to read a book on a picnic with his head on my lap, near a crystal clear creek. I want to feel his presence even with my eyes closed. I want to be spellbound. I want to be awestruck. I want most of the things mom and dad had. I want fire.

So when he decided for us that we are meant to be together, but then changed his mind when I am all ready to make that jump out of the plane into the wide open sky, how do I tell myself that it's okay to be happy despite everything?

It's okay that he had irresponsibly made me believe that extraordinary things do happen and it can definitely happen to someone like me. Then changed his mind and left me in the dust wondering what hit me?

I don't want to keep loving and missing someone who doesn't love me anymore!

I tried to figure out what he was trying to tell me. I couldn't. We text, we e-mail, but there was no communication. He talks to me like I am one of those people needing his motivational speech stuff when I needed him to talk to me like someone who once had feelings for me.

K told me not to let the situation turn me into a victim. Then I understood.

I had fun while it lasted. Why turn it into a nightmare, when it was a helluva fun-filled roller coaster ride? At least I know that the man of my dreams do exist and I was not crazy for conjuring him up in my mind after all.

It's been 3 months since we last talked on the phone and almost 4 months since we last met. I am ready to let memories of him go now.

He text me this evening. He asked me if my account is working again. How do I tell him that I don't need his e-mail to tell me that he can't handle me?

It's difficult to love me. I know that. I have accepted that fact about me. I am all things wonderful as a friend, but as a lover, I can be the worst monster. Because when people get too close, I kick, I bite and I push. I push them away so they won't see the mess I really am. I feel guilty for luring them into me when I know I am not ready for the kind of commitment they want me to have with them. I am incapable of loving unconditionally because I question everything. Nobody can or want to handle that in a woman.

So what if I am going to spend the rest of my life alone? Don't stop me in a restaurant on the way to the buffet table just to tell me that I will be such a waste to want to live the rest of my life alone in a god forsaken village somewhere in the thickets of Borneo. I know that already.

It grates at my core to be told that I can choose how I feel by someone who was the reason for my heartache.

Well, I choose to be bitchy and angry and crazy. So shut it.

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