Belonging

Why do some men have this attitude "Suka memiliki tapi tak ingin dimiliki" when it comes to relationships?

I said some men not all men because I have only heard a few of my friends having this problem with their boyfriend and spouses.

One is a successful something married to a manager of a consulting company, another is a housewife married to a traveling businessman and another is a teacher who had a relationship with a married man.

The successful something was good at hiding her feelings. But there are times I could see her sadness and I finally found out that her husband would only come home after midnight. At first she trusted that he was just working, but in reality he was having an affair with the secretary. She decided it was time to do her PhD, so she left for Australia. They have a daughter together. I haven't heard from her since. The housewife was a smart girl who was on her way to becoming an architect, but gave that up to be a wife and mother. I thought that was silly, because she could have juggled those two things if she had wanted to. Her husband travels a lot, and now she finds mysterious messages on his phone. I hope it is just women who are just too desperate and just trying their luck on him and he won't respond to them. She is considering leaving him because now the problem has escalated. They hardly spoke, and she hardly get any money to run the household. I have tried to speak some sense into her but I don't think she appreciated it. My letter did seem like I was on his side. I just don't want her to get divorced and prove her mother right. I asked her to see in herself what is it about her that he fell in love with that she should try to reignite. I guess in a troubled relationship when there is hardly any kind of emotional reward, it is very difficult. The teacher is sadly, none other than myself, I have had a relationship with a married man. There is no excuse for what I have done and I am not proud of it. I don't know his wife personally, but when I asked him why was he doing that to his wife, he said she can't give him what he wants. He realized that after three kids? And he has no intention of divorcing her, not because he wants to make her happy, but because he is too egoistic to accept the fact that a strange man may be fathering his children if they were divorced. For a while, I thought I could put some sense into him. He wanted a second wife when he knew he can't afford to have one and what scared me the most is the fact that he has a strange view of what polygamy should be. I was glad when it was finally over because I realize I could not change his mind over the whole thing and frankly speaking, I could not take his nonsense anymore. I do pray that he has found the person to share his views with. And don’t let me get started on the friend with the cheating boyfriend. At least she is not married to him yet so at least she has a fighting chance.

The thing is, is it too much to ask from a man to emotionally and physically commit themselves to a relationship? Why do some of them prefer to be in a long-term relationship but still want to continue being the kind of person that they were before they decided to take the plunge? Will it be all right if their wives or girlfriends to follow a parallel path? I doubt it. She will soon be labeled a harlot and accused of being heartless in mindlessly and irresponsibly putting the relationship at risk over a stupid fling.

Why is the obligation of loyalty placed wholly on the women's shoulder while the men are free to do as they please?

I can just imagine a scene where there are two lovers. When the man says "You belong to me," to the woman and the woman smiles wistfully. When the woman says, "You belong to me," the man would be quick to correct her, with an almost holy air, "Oh no, baby, I belong to God!"

Wouldn't that be heartbreaking?

It is not about what one says, it is about what one does. One cannot say he is loyal when he is not any more than I can say I am Siti Nurhaliza.

Yes, women want to have security, but not on a pretext, or a lie. If he can't be the man she needs him to be why can't he let her have her freedom to seek a heart she can truly call home?

Redha or not, we have to do the best for ourselves. Would you consider them quitters and not having the staying power of positive thinkers, if these people decide to end whatever they were having to pursue a better path? After spending a considerable amount of time trying to fix things, of course. Do we have to just resign ourselves to a bleak fate in an unhappy marriage then?

I am not blaming this only on men at all because this can simply be turned around where the women are at fault. I strongly believe that people who find themselves in an unhappy relationship should be willing to work within the relationship to make things better instead of turning to a third party who would usually only contribute to further damage. Tapi kenapa most people nowadays prefer to turn to the latter? Where is the sense of responsibility and integrity? Tak bermakna langsungkah, rumahtangga yang dah dibina dan dipupuk bersama selepas bertahun-tahun? Cinta dan komitmen ada 'expiration date'? Having changed my mind about staying single the rest of my life, should I reconsider?

I know there are successful people in successful marriages out there, I am happy for them, even if I don't know them. But I cannot accept that if one wants to have a successful marriage one has to close one eye to infidelity. That is the most stupid thing I have ever heard in my life even if it is rampant. If one has needs to be fulfilled, doesn't the other have those needs too? Instead of turning to another, why not work on resolving things. Why be so selfish?

Why marry? Can't one have as much joy sleeping around when they are single that they have to have someone to be dragged along into their mess? Kalau alasan kita mesti berkahwin demi meneruskan zuriat seperti yang termaktub dalam syariat Islam digunakan, tidakkah kita sebagai umat Islam meringankan apa yang telah tersurat dalam Quran dan Hadis tentang apa erti Insitusi Rumahtangga dalam Islam? Bukankah ianya menjadikan tindakan mendirikan rumahtangga itu seolah-olah sekadar mencukupkan syarat semata-mata dan tidak memuliakan dan mensucikan kehendak Tuhan sebab ianya langsung tidak menghindar manusia dari melakukan zina?

Apparently, I am having some trouble seeing what is the point of getting married, based on the few that did not work as well and most people wanted it to.

But I still have hope for mankind. Things will be better if we strive to be the best that we can be. I believe that because, someone I know told me once that we cannot change other people, but we can change ourselves. It may sound like we make ourselves to be not be good enough for the person we love. But I'd rather see it this way; we can’t force anyone to love us, but we can be a person people can love.

Now the question is, how much do I want it?