Tuesday, January 16, 2007

to be or not to be

Sometimes, I wonder what makes me go on doing this to myself.

I don't feel his affection towards me anymore and I doubt that he is actually coming back. I have given up on him a while ago. But I am still here. Waiting. For I don't know what.

If I walk away from this first, I will be a quitter. I was one. I am not a quitter anymore. I know that there is more to someting than whatever I know from the things I can see.

The last time I was home, I wondered why is everyone on his side. Well, actually, I know why. They know me more than they know him. And I am a very impatient person. I am brash. I don't listen. I jump to conclusions. So of course they were assuming that I was in fact, the root of the problem. It was not until I threw my phone at the wall in anger after reading his text and bursting into tears, questioning his actions, and everybody else's that someone very close to me made it clear to me.

W asked me, if we were to tell you to go ahead and break up with him, what kind of people would we be. Besides, is that what you want from us? To tell you to break up with him when we all know how much you wanted this. Why are you rushing things with him anyway? If you do break it up, is there anyone waiting for you on the sidelines or something?

They were right. W was dead on. She knew me like the back of her hands. Hearing what she said made me realize that I don't want to break up with him. It doesn't matter if there is anyone waiting for me or not. What mattered was I will do whatever it takes to make this work, because this is the person I have envisioned to spend the rest of my life with.

The problem now is, I don't have an ituition. Something to tell me that this is it. The one. It felt right. But then he rushed me into everything, it was surreal. He barely knew me and he's already telling me to take that marriage course the next school holiday comes. I didn't go. There was not much time and if I had gone, I would have felt like a total idiot because of the current situation.

What grates at me is that he rushed me into everything, so sure of everything but when I stumbled, he just left me in the dust. What on earth was he thinking, telling me was going to marry me, barely 24 hours into the relationship? Simply because I was that person he thought I was? I was not being hypocritical. I was being a good hostess. She tailors her behaviour to that of her guest so he would be comfortable in a strange place. I do that. I do that all the time.

So now that he realizes what a mess I am inside, he must be thinking up of a way to get rid of me. All he has to do right now is own it; L, I can't handle you. We have to terminate this relationship.

That is all there is to it. I am not going to scream and yell and roll on the floor or start piercing voodoo dolls of him with pins. I can be rational. I will be upset of course, but I have never killed anyone over a break up nor am I planning to start with him.

However, as I know myself well enough not to trust my judgment, I think I should just leave things the way it is. I done everything I could to lure him out of his shell and talk it out with me. He just won't budge. Doesn't that mean that he has had enough of me and wishes to just disappear into the sunset?

I can't break up with him because I am not a quitter. He can't either because he is not a quitter either. So what do we do? Leave things the way it is? Gawd, give me strength to change the things I can and accept the things I can't.

I wanted him. I thought he was the one. But if he isn't it should not be a problem. K told me not to let myself be a victim, simply because he is doing this. I am not a victim. He just doesn't know how to handle me right. So he is not for me. Simple, ain't it?

And K also told me if he is really into me, he will come around. The thing is, I don't think he is into me anymore. Which should be great, right? But then, why do I feel so rotten inside?

It's always been this way with me. When I want something so badly, I either don't get it at all, or made to wait a little longer for it.

Bring it on.

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