skip

My heart does not skip a beat anymore when thoughts of him cross my mind.

It's not that I don't want this anymore. I do. But then I don't know why I am still here when he's been long gone. He said he is not making a decision, but then it's been months. If I am bad for him, why would he want to go one with this? If I am not, why punish me like this?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I just don't know.

But my heart does not skip a beat anymore when thoughts of him cross my mind.

grater

I get mad at people when they trivialize something I consider a big deal. It is okay for me to stomp all over that person for making that grave mistake, but what do I do when that person is my intended?

I was mad, frustrated, confused. Naturally, that will make someone quite unhappy, wouldn't it?

N told me that we can choose how to feel every morning. He chooses to be happy all the time because that is the pact he makes with himself everyday. To be happy and enjoy everything that life has to offer. There is nothing wrong with that. I second him.

But then, schizophrenics cannot choose not to hear voices in their heads. The depressed cannot help having suicidal tendencies. Drama Queens can't help be overwhelmed by their emotions in public places. Oh God forbid. I am none of these. Thank God.... Uhuh. Keep telling yourself that, Lynette.

Most days, I wake up undecided on how I'd feel that day. And when I look at that puffy face with crusty eyes and bed head, I do feel like throwing myself back in bed and spend the day wallowing in self-pity. Oh the world is a cruel place, blah-de-blah-de-blah...

But I step into the shower anyway. I scrub myself clean anyway. I wash the crust from my eyes anyway. I rub the calluses away with pumice anyway. And I brush my teeth anyway.

Then I will find myself wrapped in the fluffy white towel N gave me, plunked on my bed . With the fan full blast in my face, I apply my war paint. Then I will get dressed. Then I will admire what a masterpiece I am that morning and I am ready for anything. Anything!

And true to my words, days spent at work is perhaps the best days of my life. Don't get me wrong, I am not a workaholic. But when you love your job so much, it is like going out to play.

I am truly blessed in a sense that this organization is a tiny one and every member is a part of a family. We know each other and sometimes, we feel each other. We miss people who goes away, we cherish those who stay. And our clients has definitely improved throughout the years. I had a great relationship with my old boss, but with the new boss, it is better if not the same. And the co-operation I get from the people under me, makes me wanna present them with knick knacks from Tiffany's. Well, maybe if ever I can afford that.

But really, I am blessed.

But with all that blessings and happiness and contentment, how would one feel when a man decides to barge into your life and turn it all upside down and leave you at the first signs of the wild fire that is slowly burning away beneath the surface, waiting for that tiny crack for it to burst into flames?

I am happy where I am. I am independent. I am happy making people around me happy. I want to have a happy life with someone. But I don't want a happy but boring life. I want sparks. I want debates. I want quiet drives on a lonely road. I want to read a book on a picnic with his head on my lap, near a crystal clear creek. I want to feel his presence even with my eyes closed. I want to be spellbound. I want to be awestruck. I want most of the things mom and dad had. I want fire.

So when he decided for us that we are meant to be together, but then changed his mind when I am all ready to make that jump out of the plane into the wide open sky, how do I tell myself that it's okay to be happy despite everything?

It's okay that he had irresponsibly made me believe that extraordinary things do happen and it can definitely happen to someone like me. Then changed his mind and left me in the dust wondering what hit me?

I don't want to keep loving and missing someone who doesn't love me anymore!

I tried to figure out what he was trying to tell me. I couldn't. We text, we e-mail, but there was no communication. He talks to me like I am one of those people needing his motivational speech stuff when I needed him to talk to me like someone who once had feelings for me.

K told me not to let the situation turn me into a victim. Then I understood.

I had fun while it lasted. Why turn it into a nightmare, when it was a helluva fun-filled roller coaster ride? At least I know that the man of my dreams do exist and I was not crazy for conjuring him up in my mind after all.

It's been 3 months since we last talked on the phone and almost 4 months since we last met. I am ready to let memories of him go now.


He text me this evening. He asked me if my account is working again. How do I tell him that I don't need his e-mail to tell me that he can't handle me?

It's difficult to love me. I know that. I have accepted that fact about me. I am all things wonderful as a friend, but as a lover, I can be the worst monster. Because when people get too close, I kick, I bite and I push. I push them away so they won't see the mess I really am. I feel guilty for luring them into me when I know I am not ready for the kind of commitment they want me to have with them. I am incapable of loving unconditionally because I question everything. Nobody can or want to handle that in a woman.

So what if I am going to spend the rest of my life alone? Don't stop me in a restaurant on the way to the buffet table just to tell me that I will be such a waste to want to live the rest of my life alone in a god forsaken village somewhere in the thickets of Borneo. I know that already.

It grates at my core to be told that I can choose how I feel by someone who was the reason for my heartache.

Well, I choose to be bitchy and angry and crazy. So shut it.

quitting

You know what the problem is with some people? They want it when they don't have it, and when they do, they forget what they wanted it for. And that is the kind of problem I have, sometimes.

I didn't have a blog before and I was happy just being a reader. I write my own thoughts in a pretty book and wonder what it would be like to be able to put the things I have written in there out there in cyberworld. I have always thought that I won't be doing it. And it wasn't until a couple of years later that I decided that it is okay to open myself up a little on the internet.

So here it is, a blog. It's been a week since I updated my entries. And I am running out of steam. Look at this entry for example. I began with two paragraphs of nothing.

My Monday was great. I started out fasting. But then later in the morning, I was reminded that we were all throwing a farewell party for A and C because they will be leaving us on Friday. I am so glad that they get to transfer back to their hometown and at the same time, because there aren't so many lucky couples as they are.

I decided that I will break my fast just so I can celebrate that day with them. So I went to the party. There were some speech, there were some gift giving and then there was open floor. My boss said something. Kak L sais something how when you work hard the two of them, you will see result etc. T said something. I wanted to say something so much, but I am reminded that I have a problem controlling my emotions. So I laughingly said to A that I will just write her a letter later on. Besides, I will be able to say all that I want to say to her as precisely as I want to. She was one of the 7 who came here back in 1999.

There is not explaining it. I can write and express myself well in writing. But when it comes to making a heartfelt impromptu speech for just about anything, I will be overwhelmed by my emotions, so much so that I will be sobbing and crying my eyeballs out and get my nose all stuffed and all this will reduce me to nothing but a blabbering blob of mucus. Who needs that at a party? I don't.

So, what would have been a 5 minute speech about how much fun we had when we all first got here all 7 of us back in '99, and how she is a fun-loving, warm and giving person, ended with just a wave of the hand and a silly explanation about my so-called problem peppered with some nervous laughter. I wish I could.

But then, I do think that letter will be far better than what I could have said that day. I will be able to get my thoughts in line and what I want to say to her is personal, no one else should hear it. Not at a party where people will brush off a genuine tear that comes from the sense of loss of a long-time friend with nervous laughter let out in unison. Besides, it's better that way because she will have that letter to keep.

Had a brief meeting with all the admin people. And then there we discovered a small glitch, due to miscommunication. And I had that angry look on my face. I was disappointed with someone in the committee. He is a good worker, but a very bad communicator. I have explained things to him on how he should notify me on things, but he keeps not doing that. Sometimes I can have a baseball bat so I can actually hit it home, literally.

Then I got a text message from Kak L that night, sounding like she was sorry that she keeps disappointing people in whatever she does at work.

I told her that no one was mad at her for anything and she is doing fine. She should be strong because we need her to be that way. We cannot have a quitter as one of the heads of our department. The decisions she has made so far had been right. She should not listen to what these people say. I remember a saying about leaders. Sometimes, it can be lonely being up there. She has to accept the fact that once she is up there, there are decisions that she has to make that makes some people hate her guts. What she needs to realize is that, the bottomline is, it is for the greater good. Besides, would they know what to do if they were put in her shoes? How would they know when they have no idea of the kind of shit Kak L has to go through straightening out all the mess and screw ups of the past management. I know she can do it, because she has been doing a pretty darn good job so far.

I wish I can tell her that everyday, but I am not big on praising people too often or unnecessarily, because I didn't grow up being fed with praises. Everything I do today, I do for the sense of responsibility and the enjoyment and fulfillment I derive knowing that I did a good job. And no one can take that fact away from me.

I wanted to tell her that it is okay if she wants to move away from there, but don't do it because she gave up.

Tuesday was a power-charged day. At least for me it was. I had all that day to myself so I spent it in my office getting my filing system in order and tracing letters that has been lost under the piles of documents and junk. I am very bad at filing things away. But I am going to do my very best not to be slack about it this year. Yes, one of my New Year's resolution is to be better at maintaining a systematic filing system for my department. Darn it, somehow I feel that makes me sound like an anal spinster. Well, I am a spinster by some standards, but I am definitely not anal.

Then the head of one of the committees under my department has requested that he is taken off the responsibility. My boss called me over to his office to sort that out.

The story goes, I think, is that the poor guy is feeling unappreciated. His work had gone past unnoticed. Believe me, we do notice it, but like I said, I am just bad ad praising people even when I know that we live in a world where praises is a good motivational tool.

I'd type it all out here, but then I am already sleepy. What I remember is I asked him to forget about what has happened because there is nothing he can do about it and no one can change what has happened. He should start over with everyone from now on. To help him, I will try to sort some matters with someone under him whom he is having some problems with. It was all just a big misunderstanding. And before we adjourned, I told him, he can choose between being a success or a failure, it is in his hands, but quitting should not be included in the equation.

Come to think of it, I am a bit harsh that Monday. I was disappointed that despite my best effort and coaxing, someone still failed to communicate with me and that is such a vital information. I was mad. But I meant every word I said because I want everyone to understand my situation if I am caught not knowing these little facts kept from me due to some stubborn mule's mistakes.

And Tuesday was also a time when I go jogging. I have stopped for more than 4 years so it is about time that I start again. It was not much really, the first few times. Do you know how hard it is to start doing something you have left for so long? It burns baby! I was anticipating our sessions, but that day Z stepped into my office already changed, but looking quite yellow. She staggered inside.

"Kak.... ada benda nak makan tak?" she half whimpered.(Is there anything I can eat?)

"Why? What happened?" I was surprised that she looked so weak.

"I need something to eat, I am so hungry, I am shaking"

If anyone knows this medical condition, please tell me. She had lunch. And that was just 4 in the afternoon. Why is she shaking from hunger already?

Luckily, I had T tapao me some rice with tom yam during lunch, but I was too busy to eat so the food was still on my desk untouched. I told her she can have it, so she ate it up. She didn't finish it, though.

Then we drove home. It was a little bit of a let down because I really am aiming to be more disciplined about it this year and have set Tuesdays and Thursdays for running. But that's okay. No reason to beat myself up about it. I could have run alone, but then, where's the fun in that, eh?

Then I got a message from N.

He asked me if my new account is working properly and if I have received his e-mail, sent on Sunday.

I replied; Just hit the Reply button. Left the computer online the whole weekend. Nothing from you.

He said texted back; Hmm maybe it didn't get through.

I texted; I guess so. Some mundane detail of my life, and ended it with a Take care.

Today, was another great day. Why? I don't exactly know. But I think because for a few days, I am released from my madness. My madness comes every month. For three of the four weeks, I will be taken over by the madness. The one week that I am free of it, I can totally concentrate on my work and clients. That gives me a sense of fulfillment. Maybe that is why this week has been great one so far.

How will tomorrow be? I hate to hope, but I do hope it will be better than today.

disorder

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

closure

I lost my e-mail account last Sunday. I was upset.

I have had it since my uni days. That was probably back in the 90's. There was a report of abuse, and before I could rectify the mistake, I found that I could not log on to my account anymore.

What made me the saddest was that I had also lost all N's letters. They were packed with lessons. I wish I had listened to a feeling in my gut that I should have moved them into my hard disk a few days before. But I have never had any problems with that account before, I didn't foresee such an occurance. Damnit!

So now I have opened a new account. I have lost most of my old contacts that was in the old e-mail that was closed by Yahoo!.

Life does not end with a closed e-mail account.

personality test

My Temperament is.... Artisan.

Or pathological liar, you pick.

Artisans are the temperament with a natural ability to excel in any of the arts, not only the fine arts such as painting and sculpting, or the performing arts such as music, theater, and dance, but also the athletic, military, political, mechanical, and industrial arts, as well as the "art of the deal" in business.

Artisans are most at home in the real world of solid objects that can be made and manipulated, and of real-life events that can be experienced in the here and now. Artisans have exceptionally keen senses, and love working with their hands. They seem right at home with tools, instruments, and vehicles of all kinds, and their actions are usually aimed at getting them where they want to go, and as quickly as possible. Thus Artisans will strike off boldly down roads that others might consider risky or impossible, doing whatever it takes, rules or no rules, to accomplish their goals. This devil-may-care attitude also gives the Artisans a winning way with people, and they are often irresistibly charming with family, friends, and co-workers.

Artisans want to be where the action is; they seek out adventure and show a constant hunger for pleasure and stimulation. They believe that variety is the spice of life, and that doing things that aren't fun or exciting is a waste of time. Artisans are impulsive, adaptable, competitive, and believe the next throw of the dice will be the lucky one. They can also be generous to a fault, always ready to share with their friends from the bounty of life. Above all, Artisans need to be free to do what they wish, when they wish. They resist being tied or bound or confined or obligated; they would rather not wait, or save, or store, or live for tomorrow. In the Artisan view, today must be enjoyed, for tomorrow never comes.

Artisans make up between 15 to 20 percent of the population, which is good, because they create much of the beauty, grace, fun, and excitement the rest of us enjoy in life.

men and women

This is a huge part of a letter I wrote to someone. I have edited it some so it doesn't sound like I was talking to him.

We always turn to work when we do not want to confront our problems. As if when we keep ourselves busy the other problem that we have to attend to will simply disappear. Sometimes they do, but most of the time, they don’t. Especially when the problem involves other people because people do not simply disappear unless we do something about them. They tried that on poor Altantuya, but failed miserably.

I find myself doing that too nowadays. It beats the heck out of thinking about people who doesn’t really care about me, but pretend to do so. People say, married to the job. Perhaps because the job doesn’t talk back, The job does not question your paradigm. The job does not hurt your feelings. The job is not vicious. Whatever. But the job really does help.

When I thought what we were having would be a life-changing experience, this was not exactly what I had in mind. Do people put other people on hold for no reason?

I may sound angry but I am not. Just a little frustrated. I am wondering what exactly am I waiting for? When N said something about true love, I would be lying if I say that I don’t want it. I do, but with the right person. I do not wish to pursue it with a person who doesn’t see that I am worth it. I am not accusing N of not appreciating me, but I am feeling a little unappreciated at the moment. I doubt that I am ‘trophy wife’ material. If anyone in his circle of friends knew about me, they will think he is mad for picking me. I have no problem with that fact, so that is why I have considered life alone the rest of my life. But he changed my mind.

If there is anything about me that I would like to change is my patience. I wish I have more of it. My patience is in limited supply so I only spare them for people who are truly worthy of it. But since both of us have better things to do, that’s beside the point.

N wants me to read the book entitled “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” so that I would be able to better understand the opposite sex. I have not read the book, but whatever the excuse is, one should not be an asshole just because someone wrote a book filled with good excuses to be one.

N always tell me about the keys to a lasting relationship. I don’t know how to ask him this in a much gentler way, but does it include a fourth point that says anything about making someone wait for long periods of time to prove patience and worthiness of true love?

Of course there is problem in every relationship and the right thing to do is find a way to solve or minimize them. I agree with him on that. The question here is, are we really working towards that at the moment? With him totally ignoring it and me wondering what on earth am I doing waiting for something that might not actually materialize. Where is the solution? Did I miss it somewhere?

The bright side of us is…. Hmm… The bright side of us is…. No, don’t tell me, I can figure this out. The bright side of us is… we can hate each other at a safe distance? Hahaha….

Saya tak pernah menyangkal ketentuan Ilahi yang lelaki dan perempuan dijadikan dengan kemampuan, kekurangan dan kelebihan yang berbeza. Tak pernah juga mempersoalkan mengapa wanita tidak layak menjadi wali atau imam dalam Islam. I am pretty much happy with the arrangements selama ini. The way I see it, baik dan buruk manusia di bumi ini dijadikan sedemikian rupa supaya kita sentiasa berusaha ke arah kesefahaman. And I see a lot of things in both sexes that complements each other. Kalau sesuatu jantina itu dijadikan sempurna, maka tak adalah sesiapa yang sibuk nak bercinta dan bernikah dan menghasilkan zuriat, sebab bila semua orang dah sempurna , jadi sibuk pula mencintai diri sendiri semata-mata. Pupuslah manusia.

Women were created physically weaker than the men sebab dia emotional. Kalau dia dah emotional, physically strong lagi, habislah dunia ni. Lagipun, kan wanita ni yang boleh dihamilkan iaitu merekalah the vessel that ensures the survival of the species. Kalau semua dah mati, men will have to develop a uterus. Baru betul the perfect species. Hahahaha!

N thinks women can be vicious. I think if women really are vicious it is because they are physically weaker. They can’t possibly retaliate in a physical manner and win, so they hit where it hurts the most; the heart. A physical wound will heal in time and the scar would not hurt. But the wound in the heart will be imbedded in the mind for eternity.

These are just my personal hypotheses. I have never done an empirical study to prove any of them. It is just the way I see things. I don’t know about other women, but for me, as a person, I don’t hurt people unnecessarily. I may be emotional but I am not insane. When I feel wronged, sometimes I let myself get to my better judgment and do whatever it is in my power to make that person feel the pain he or she has caused me. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. I have grown considerably since then though, seeing how my mother in her lapses of better judgment had been so angry over something but never get to see the results she wanted to see. It is always in her moment of silence, as she prays in earnest to God, laying herself totally in the hands of The Merciful that her prayers were answered. I have since then, left everything in the hands of God. Instead of getting upset and not being able to find a way to get out of my predicament, I turn to God.

I prayed to God, if he is really not for me, then help me forget him. Maybe I have not been praying right or hard enough because he is the only thing on my mind all throughout my waking hours. I am just glad that thoughts of him doesn’t rob me of my precious sleep.

He referred to Cleopatra and Delilah as unreasonable women and vicious. I agree. Cleopatra was power crazed. That’s why I don’t like the idea of women being in power. Delilah was simply, plain crazy. I don’t understand how she could do what she did to such a man who loved her the way Samson did. If I had a man who could love me half as much, I would rather be his slave. Samson deserved a better woman. But I guess that’s just the way things are, because as N said himself, things happen for a reason. And women are difficult to understand so they will forever remain a mystery. Don’t men love mystery? The thing is, once men figure out women, they won’t desire them as much, so that is why women will always be an enigma, so they will always have men wrapped around their little fingers, the vicious manipulators that they are.

I don’t see men and women as equals. There are flaws in both sexes. But in a home, a man and a woman complement each other. Life without its complications won’t be as enlightening. Perfection only belongs to God. Why would anyone even dream to achieve that? And how does one know he has achieved near-perfection, when there has never been an actual measuring system for perfection?

Of Adam and Eve, we all know what Eve did was a foolish thing, but seeing the human race today, do we really want to believe that we are worthy of an eternity in heaven? Perhaps God had second thoughts, what had man done to deserve eternity in heaven, other than to just exist? So he decided that man should earn his place in heaven. Eve was the catalyst. Again, just another assumption on my part.

Adam should have educated her on the consequences and enforced the education with a lot of sex so she wouldn’t have had the urge to eat the damned fruit. See what happened when a man ignores a woman?

But really, should anyone blame every woman they know for the things these women had done in the past? If women really are of no benefit and nothing but pain, why did He create her in the first place? Wouldn’t things be better if Adam could prance around in all his naked glory in heaven, alone? And then if God decided to make more men out of Adam, won’t it be better for men to have sex with other men? Things happen for a reason, remember?

Men, in all his greatness, should learn to forgive and forget. That is the biggest test of true superiority.

If women are as bad as you see them, then why are all the major wars of the world started by men? And the best part was, the Trojans even waged war over a lowly woman. Of all things to fight over…. A woman?

Yes, I have done a lot of pondering and will be doing a lot more.

Regards.

p/s : Hitler was definitely a man.

to be or not to be

Sometimes, I wonder what makes me go on doing this to myself.

I don't feel his affection towards me anymore and I doubt that he is actually coming back. I have given up on him a while ago. But I am still here. Waiting. For I don't know what.

If I walk away from this first, I will be a quitter. I was one. I am not a quitter anymore. I know that there is more to someting than whatever I know from the things I can see.

The last time I was home, I wondered why is everyone on his side. Well, actually, I know why. They know me more than they know him. And I am a very impatient person. I am brash. I don't listen. I jump to conclusions. So of course they were assuming that I was in fact, the root of the problem. It was not until I threw my phone at the wall in anger after reading his text and bursting into tears, questioning his actions, and everybody else's that someone very close to me made it clear to me.

W asked me, if we were to tell you to go ahead and break up with him, what kind of people would we be. Besides, is that what you want from us? To tell you to break up with him when we all know how much you wanted this. Why are you rushing things with him anyway? If you do break it up, is there anyone waiting for you on the sidelines or something?

They were right. W was dead on. She knew me like the back of her hands. Hearing what she said made me realize that I don't want to break up with him. It doesn't matter if there is anyone waiting for me or not. What mattered was I will do whatever it takes to make this work, because this is the person I have envisioned to spend the rest of my life with.

The problem now is, I don't have an ituition. Something to tell me that this is it. The one. It felt right. But then he rushed me into everything, it was surreal. He barely knew me and he's already telling me to take that marriage course the next school holiday comes. I didn't go. There was not much time and if I had gone, I would have felt like a total idiot because of the current situation.

What grates at me is that he rushed me into everything, so sure of everything but when I stumbled, he just left me in the dust. What on earth was he thinking, telling me was going to marry me, barely 24 hours into the relationship? Simply because I was that person he thought I was? I was not being hypocritical. I was being a good hostess. She tailors her behaviour to that of her guest so he would be comfortable in a strange place. I do that. I do that all the time.

So now that he realizes what a mess I am inside, he must be thinking up of a way to get rid of me. All he has to do right now is own it; L, I can't handle you. We have to terminate this relationship.

That is all there is to it. I am not going to scream and yell and roll on the floor or start piercing voodoo dolls of him with pins. I can be rational. I will be upset of course, but I have never killed anyone over a break up nor am I planning to start with him.

However, as I know myself well enough not to trust my judgment, I think I should just leave things the way it is. I done everything I could to lure him out of his shell and talk it out with me. He just won't budge. Doesn't that mean that he has had enough of me and wishes to just disappear into the sunset?

I can't break up with him because I am not a quitter. He can't either because he is not a quitter either. So what do we do? Leave things the way it is? Gawd, give me strength to change the things I can and accept the things I can't.

I wanted him. I thought he was the one. But if he isn't it should not be a problem. K told me not to let myself be a victim, simply because he is doing this. I am not a victim. He just doesn't know how to handle me right. So he is not for me. Simple, ain't it?

And K also told me if he is really into me, he will come around. The thing is, I don't think he is into me anymore. Which should be great, right? But then, why do I feel so rotten inside?

It's always been this way with me. When I want something so badly, I either don't get it at all, or made to wait a little longer for it.

Bring it on.

to be or not to be

Sometimes, I wonder what makes me go on doing this to myself.

I don't feel his affection towards me anymore and I doubt that he is actually coming back. I have given up on him a while ago. But I am still here. Waiting. For I don't know what.

If I walk away from this first, I will be a quitter. I was one. I am not a quitter anymore. I know that there is more to someting than whatever I know from the things I can see.

The last time I was home, I wondered why is everyone on his side. Well, actually, I know why. They know me more than they know him. And I am a very impatient person. I am brash. I don't listen. I jump to conclusions. So of course they were assuming that I was in fact, the root of the problem. It was not until I threw my phone at the wall in anger after reading his text and bursting into tears, questioning his actions, and everybody else's that someone very close to me made it clear to me.

W asked me, if we were to tell you to go ahead and break up with him, what kind of people would we be. Besides, is that what you want from us? To tell you to break up with him when we all know how much you wanted this. Why are you rushing things with him anyway? If you do break it up, is there anyone waiting for you on the sidelines or something?

They were right. W was dead on. She knew me like the back of her hands. Hearing what she said made me realize that I don't want to break up with him. It doesn't matter if there is anyone waiting for me or not. What mattered was I will do whatever it takes to make this work, because this is the person I have envisioned to spend the rest of my life with.

The problem now is, I don't have an ituition. Something to tell me that this is it. The one. It felt right. But then he rushed me into everything, it was surreal. He barely knew me and he's already telling me to take that marriage course the next school holiday comes. I didn't go. There was not much time and if I had gone, I would have felt like a total idiot because of the current situation.

What grates at me is that he rushed me into everything, so sure of everything but when I stumbled, he just left me in the dust. What on earth was he thinking, telling me was going to marry me, barely 24 hours into the relationship? Simply because I was that person he thought I was? I was not being hypocritical. I was being a good hostess. She tailors her behaviour to that of her guest so he would be comfortable in a strange place. I do that. I do that all the time.

So now that he realizes what a mess I am inside, he must be thinking up of a way to get rid of me. All he has to do right now is own it; L, I can't handle you. We have to terminate this relationship.

That is all there is to it. I am not going to scream and yell and roll on the floor or start piercing voodoo dolls of him with pins. I can be rational. I will be upset of course, but I have never killed anyone over a break up nor am I planning to start with him.

However, as I know myself well enough not to trust my judgment, I think I should just leave things the way it is. I done everything I could to lure him out of his shell and talk it out with me. He just won't budge. Doesn't that mean that he has had enough of me and wishes to just disappear into the sunset?

I can't break up with him because I am not a quitter. He can't either because he is not a quitter either. So what do we do? Leave things the way it is? Gawd, give me strength to change the things I can and accept the things I can't.

I wanted him. I thought he was the one. But if he isn't it should not be a problem. K told me not to let myself be a victim, simply because he is doing this. I am not a victim. He just doesn't know how to handle me right. So he is not for me. Simple, ain't it?

And K also told me if he is really into me, he will come around. The thing is, I don't think he is into me anymore. Which should be great, right? But then, why do I feel so rotten inside?

It's always been this way with me. When I want something so badly, I either don't get it at all, or made to wait a little longer for it.

Bring it on.

True love, anyone?

We all want it, even if we do not exactly know what to do with it. Most of us think that we want it for all the right reasons. Some of us wants it just simply because we think we deserve it. True love with the right person would be the ultimate gift of joy. But with the wrong one would simply be a most pitiful waste.

Some would say that we will not be drained of emotions, although I have to say that when my last relationship ended four years ago, I was emotionally drained. And for a long while, even after I was past the sadness, that imaginary reservoir in my head that was supposed to store all my ability to love someone other than my family member was virtually empty. It would be too much if I said that I swore off love thereon after. Come to think of it, I was never aware of any potential men. Is it because there was none, or because there were a few but I was unwilling to see? It doesn’t really matter, because I have always preferred to wait for everything. Or at least pretend to do so.

Perhaps I am perceived as that sort of person who is open-minded and not easily offended by casual remarks. That is the case most of the time. I wear my heart on my sleeve, oh, such a drama queen that I am. I have tried to hide my feelings, but when I do that, after a while, I would feel like I would burst at the seams. When I am upset over something, people will know. Because they are used to seeing the sunshine in me, I suppose? I have noticed that when I don’t smile for a few minutes, people will ask what the matter is.

People seem to think they can come up to me and say anything and won’t get a nasty slap on the face. I appreciate that and I don’t think I want it to be any other way.

About a month ago, when I went to the usual place where I have my lunch, one of the patrons stopped me on the way to the buffet table. He started out with this,

“When are you planning to apply for a transfer?” That is such a typical question I get, day in, day out. So I am used to it.

“Oh, didn’t you know already? I am planning to retire here.” A joke that I hope would turn out to be a reality.

“That is wonderful news!” his companion chimed in.

“Of course it is. I love this place. I just hope no one would move me to another place without my knowing.” Another joke.

“They won’t do anything like that I am sure.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes, yes, I am very sure. But you know, no matter how long you are planning to stay here, please, please, please do not spend it all alone. It would be such a waste.” There it is; the bomb.

“Ah, that is true.” And while I was mulling over a good come back, he slipped in another.

“Why aren’t you married yet?”

Actually, I was not offended by the question. Even his statement before that was a compliment; people at the Jabatan cares enough about me to talk about my state of being single and aspirations to spend the rest of my life in a secluded area, all alone with all my spark and fire and wit, all alone, is deemed such a waste that should be counteracted. Oh, the glory of such attention. And having been asked that question so many times before makes me immune to its implications. Besides, I know they mean well.

“I am too picky.” Which is true. I do not want to be another statistic in the huge number of unhappy desperate married women.

“It is not wrong to be choosy, but when the time comes, I hope you will jump at the chance.”

“Don’t worry, I will.” I am not sure I would do anything like that but if that would make him happy and let me get to that buffet table, then that is what I am going to say.

“Okay, all the best, and please remember what I said.”

How can I forget? He asked me that question in public at a restaurant. Thank God, I never saw the same face twice in there.

Being married should be a wonderful thing. Being married to the man you love with all your being and who loves you just as much and maybe just a smidgen more would be even better. So why would I want to settle for the average run-of the-mill man out of fear of complications? I want more out of my life-time commitment. I want it all. So if I have to wait longer than the rest, I will. And if there is no one, all I have done is waste my ovum, and I will just die a single old woman. Har har har.

What would be the ideal man? Simply put, I want a man who would inspire awe in me. Someone with intelligence. Someone I can look up to. Someone I can respect. He can teach me a lot of things and won’t be afraid of me lashing out at him when he tells me I am mistaken about something because I always do that out of habit, not because he is any less human than the rest of the population. He should be able to see that underneath it all, he is my everything. He should also have a lot of patience, because I can be one stubborn mule. And he should be able to love me, love me, love me because I am sometimes a difficult person to love.

What is ideal in a marriage? I don’t know because I have never been in one. And the ones that I have been given the opportunity to glimpse into had been not up to par. I am sure they have done their best. I am just sad that some good people I know end up having to suffer in a marriage such as theirs when I always like to think that they could do better than that. I am not saying that they should get divorced and start from scratch with someone new. But asking them to realize what they are doing to each other is emotionally and physically damaging so they need to get off their ass and fix things so they can have a better life together, would be too much, since I am unmarried myself.

Sure, I can say all this things and grin because I have never been there. But then, I have been a part of my parents’ marriage. While it was not all a bed of roses for them, at least they worked hard to make it work. They talked. Well, some of the time they yelled and shouted and called each other names, but then that is what worked for them. I would like to find out what works for me. But I guess I have scared off a potential over something silly; I cared too much about him that I started worrying after just a few hours and said some things in a harsh way. I hurt his feelings and now he is having second thoughts about me or has actually decided to cash in the chips. I don’t know. It’s been a couple of months since we spoke on the phone.

While I do not think that caring for someone is a bad thing, I do have to make it a point that it is not normal to worry about someone the way I did after just a few hours and hurting his feelings would definitely not drive the ball home. I could have been more subtle. Poor guy.

He must have thought I was a total psycho for being the way I was. I am so not. If I had known he left his cellphone at home I would not have worked myself up over that. Honest! My mother is the big worrier. I am her daughter but I do not want to have that part of her in me. But she is a great mother. I love her.

I can’t change what has happened but I can make sure to be better in handling these things in the future with him or some other person. It is just another experience to make me better in my people skills.

I always learn something best when I have to do it the hard way.

Belonging

Why do some men have this attitude "Suka memiliki tapi tak ingin dimiliki" when it comes to relationships?

I said some men not all men because I have only heard a few of my friends having this problem with their boyfriend and spouses.

One is a successful something married to a manager of a consulting company, another is a housewife married to a traveling businessman and another is a teacher who had a relationship with a married man.

The successful something was good at hiding her feelings. But there are times I could see her sadness and I finally found out that her husband would only come home after midnight. At first she trusted that he was just working, but in reality he was having an affair with the secretary. She decided it was time to do her PhD, so she left for Australia. They have a daughter together. I haven't heard from her since. The housewife was a smart girl who was on her way to becoming an architect, but gave that up to be a wife and mother. I thought that was silly, because she could have juggled those two things if she had wanted to. Her husband travels a lot, and now she finds mysterious messages on his phone. I hope it is just women who are just too desperate and just trying their luck on him and he won't respond to them. She is considering leaving him because now the problem has escalated. They hardly spoke, and she hardly get any money to run the household. I have tried to speak some sense into her but I don't think she appreciated it. My letter did seem like I was on his side. I just don't want her to get divorced and prove her mother right. I asked her to see in herself what is it about her that he fell in love with that she should try to reignite. I guess in a troubled relationship when there is hardly any kind of emotional reward, it is very difficult. The teacher is sadly, none other than myself, I have had a relationship with a married man. There is no excuse for what I have done and I am not proud of it. I don't know his wife personally, but when I asked him why was he doing that to his wife, he said she can't give him what he wants. He realized that after three kids? And he has no intention of divorcing her, not because he wants to make her happy, but because he is too egoistic to accept the fact that a strange man may be fathering his children if they were divorced. For a while, I thought I could put some sense into him. He wanted a second wife when he knew he can't afford to have one and what scared me the most is the fact that he has a strange view of what polygamy should be. I was glad when it was finally over because I realize I could not change his mind over the whole thing and frankly speaking, I could not take his nonsense anymore. I do pray that he has found the person to share his views with. And don’t let me get started on the friend with the cheating boyfriend. At least she is not married to him yet so at least she has a fighting chance.

The thing is, is it too much to ask from a man to emotionally and physically commit themselves to a relationship? Why do some of them prefer to be in a long-term relationship but still want to continue being the kind of person that they were before they decided to take the plunge? Will it be all right if their wives or girlfriends to follow a parallel path? I doubt it. She will soon be labeled a harlot and accused of being heartless in mindlessly and irresponsibly putting the relationship at risk over a stupid fling.

Why is the obligation of loyalty placed wholly on the women's shoulder while the men are free to do as they please?

I can just imagine a scene where there are two lovers. When the man says "You belong to me," to the woman and the woman smiles wistfully. When the woman says, "You belong to me," the man would be quick to correct her, with an almost holy air, "Oh no, baby, I belong to God!"

Wouldn't that be heartbreaking?

It is not about what one says, it is about what one does. One cannot say he is loyal when he is not any more than I can say I am Siti Nurhaliza.

Yes, women want to have security, but not on a pretext, or a lie. If he can't be the man she needs him to be why can't he let her have her freedom to seek a heart she can truly call home?

Redha or not, we have to do the best for ourselves. Would you consider them quitters and not having the staying power of positive thinkers, if these people decide to end whatever they were having to pursue a better path? After spending a considerable amount of time trying to fix things, of course. Do we have to just resign ourselves to a bleak fate in an unhappy marriage then?

I am not blaming this only on men at all because this can simply be turned around where the women are at fault. I strongly believe that people who find themselves in an unhappy relationship should be willing to work within the relationship to make things better instead of turning to a third party who would usually only contribute to further damage. Tapi kenapa most people nowadays prefer to turn to the latter? Where is the sense of responsibility and integrity? Tak bermakna langsungkah, rumahtangga yang dah dibina dan dipupuk bersama selepas bertahun-tahun? Cinta dan komitmen ada 'expiration date'? Having changed my mind about staying single the rest of my life, should I reconsider?

I know there are successful people in successful marriages out there, I am happy for them, even if I don't know them. But I cannot accept that if one wants to have a successful marriage one has to close one eye to infidelity. That is the most stupid thing I have ever heard in my life even if it is rampant. If one has needs to be fulfilled, doesn't the other have those needs too? Instead of turning to another, why not work on resolving things. Why be so selfish?

Why marry? Can't one have as much joy sleeping around when they are single that they have to have someone to be dragged along into their mess? Kalau alasan kita mesti berkahwin demi meneruskan zuriat seperti yang termaktub dalam syariat Islam digunakan, tidakkah kita sebagai umat Islam meringankan apa yang telah tersurat dalam Quran dan Hadis tentang apa erti Insitusi Rumahtangga dalam Islam? Bukankah ianya menjadikan tindakan mendirikan rumahtangga itu seolah-olah sekadar mencukupkan syarat semata-mata dan tidak memuliakan dan mensucikan kehendak Tuhan sebab ianya langsung tidak menghindar manusia dari melakukan zina?

Apparently, I am having some trouble seeing what is the point of getting married, based on the few that did not work as well and most people wanted it to.

But I still have hope for mankind. Things will be better if we strive to be the best that we can be. I believe that because, someone I know told me once that we cannot change other people, but we can change ourselves. It may sound like we make ourselves to be not be good enough for the person we love. But I'd rather see it this way; we can’t force anyone to love us, but we can be a person people can love.

Now the question is, how much do I want it?

Hello world...

Today, I thought, why not set up a blog? Instead of writing insanely long e-mails to people who doesn't appreciate the effort, let my rantings find its audience on its own.

My sister, W told me to do it, most of my friends who are actively on-line told me to do it, I told me to do it. Alas, my need for attention finally won over my inhibitions. So now I own one. My experience in keeping a journal was not that bad. I just wish I could be more regular about it instead of draining my ideas on mindless, crazily long e-mails. What is it about wanting to be heard? I am not talking about all of the world population. I am talking about me and maybe 3 other people who is just like me. Ha ha.

So, hellos to you, you and you.