In a perfect world, I am perfect.
It's not a perfect world. I am not perfect.
The truth of the matter is, when I am flooded with other responsibilities, I tend to forget a lot of personal things that needs to be done a long time before the other stuff.
I am leaving for a two-week school break. Tomorrow. I am lucky to have a job that allows that. But here is the thing; I don't know who I will be leaving my car with and my cat just gave birth to 3 tiny adorable kittens.
I don't know if I can get to KKIA from my workplace in time tomorrow. I don't really know why I got myself the 1640 flight when I normally take the 2015 flight. So, right after school tomorrow, I hope I have found a kind soul to board the cat and the kittens for the next 14 days. I could have given away this cat a long time ago, but she is the only companion I have in my state of constant aloneness. No, that does not mean I am lonely. Look it up. This is the only cat that had stayed with me longer than two years. The others just disappeared when they are well enough or grown up. Her being plain looking just helped her from being catnapped, I guess. And I took her to the vet about two months ago for fear that she might get pregnant again. But the vet didn't want to do it. I wondered why, but I took her home and sure enough, she was pregnant again soon after. So now I have one cat and three kittens.
This morning, I had hit a puppy. At the oil palm estate. I was overtaking some workers on bicycles, when this puppy having been running between these bicycles, decided to cross the road right into my car. I braked, but it was too late. It just went under and was left in a bundle on the side of the road, in the grass, howling in pain. And I didn't stop. I drove on and went all the way to school and left Linda there. I went back to the place where I had hit the puppy to ask who it belonged to. But the puppy was gone and along the road, no one heard of anyone talking about me hitting the puppy.
I love dogs. If it is not because it is najis mughallazah to Muslims, I would have owned a few.
I am so very sorry, puppy. I hope he did not have to suffer too long for what I had done. I can still hear it howling in pain in that bundle on the side of the road. God, please forgive me.
And this morning my mak angkat came to my office. Bearing with her the box of belacan she made herself that she always makes sure I take back to my mom every time I fly home. I have not been to her place since I came back here. I am not sombong. I wanted to go visit. But the times when I had the time, she was in Brunei or with her mother on the other side of the river. So, knowing that the school break is looming close and I would probably be leaving for the break, instead of the other way around, she came to me.
I was in the main office, when a kid told me that someone was waiting in my office. I thought it was one of the parents who came to see me on a call letter. When I stepped inside my office, and saw who it was, I was suprised, and ashamed at the same time. And she cried when she saw me. It surprised me that she really missed me. She told me about what's happened that she hadn't been around at her own place too much lately. I called my mom and let them talk for a while. When she was done talking to my mom, we talked a little bit more. Then I promised to stop by at the place tomorrow morning, before my class starts. Her place is just 70 meters or so from where I work.
It's strange how this little lady, 50-something of age. She has aged, but she has not lost the vigor for life. I am sure she is as bubbly as she was when she was seventeen. She still plants her own rice and she is as happy as a daisy. It seems like nothing can pull her down. She seems to not let not being too in touch with her emotions get her down.
At the end of the day, what does this 'being in touch with your emotions' get you? It makes you over-analyze every little crap that people say or do to you. It makes you touchy, too sensitive, grumpy. Sometimes, I wish I can just block out all these emotions bombarding me every time something crappy happens in my life. I wish I can retrain myself to not let myself feel too much of everything.
But then that will not make me me. My friends didn't get to know me as this mild-mannered little lady with a little voice. They knew me like this. It's not impossible to retrain myself into someone else, but I have better things to do and too little time to do them in.
I am flawed, it's a sad thing. I have been kicking myself in the butt for being this way for the longest time, but I guess it is just not hard enough. So with the constantly bruised butt, I have decided that I will have to just change or just stay they way I am and accept myself the way I am. Other people are flawed too. My flawes just happen to be too many, too often and sometimes quite public. It's hard to admit, but yes, sometimes I do get in other people's way because of the way I am when imposing myself on others feels to me like the worst thing one can do to another person.
So, right now, I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. But I will figure something out, I always do.
I can't wait to see my family again. I miss them dearly.
I haven't even started packing yet. I better start now. :-)
It's not a perfect world. I am not perfect.
The truth of the matter is, when I am flooded with other responsibilities, I tend to forget a lot of personal things that needs to be done a long time before the other stuff.
I am leaving for a two-week school break. Tomorrow. I am lucky to have a job that allows that. But here is the thing; I don't know who I will be leaving my car with and my cat just gave birth to 3 tiny adorable kittens.
I don't know if I can get to KKIA from my workplace in time tomorrow. I don't really know why I got myself the 1640 flight when I normally take the 2015 flight. So, right after school tomorrow, I hope I have found a kind soul to board the cat and the kittens for the next 14 days. I could have given away this cat a long time ago, but she is the only companion I have in my state of constant aloneness. No, that does not mean I am lonely. Look it up. This is the only cat that had stayed with me longer than two years. The others just disappeared when they are well enough or grown up. Her being plain looking just helped her from being catnapped, I guess. And I took her to the vet about two months ago for fear that she might get pregnant again. But the vet didn't want to do it. I wondered why, but I took her home and sure enough, she was pregnant again soon after. So now I have one cat and three kittens.
This morning, I had hit a puppy. At the oil palm estate. I was overtaking some workers on bicycles, when this puppy having been running between these bicycles, decided to cross the road right into my car. I braked, but it was too late. It just went under and was left in a bundle on the side of the road, in the grass, howling in pain. And I didn't stop. I drove on and went all the way to school and left Linda there. I went back to the place where I had hit the puppy to ask who it belonged to. But the puppy was gone and along the road, no one heard of anyone talking about me hitting the puppy.
I love dogs. If it is not because it is najis mughallazah to Muslims, I would have owned a few.
I am so very sorry, puppy. I hope he did not have to suffer too long for what I had done. I can still hear it howling in pain in that bundle on the side of the road. God, please forgive me.
And this morning my mak angkat came to my office. Bearing with her the box of belacan she made herself that she always makes sure I take back to my mom every time I fly home. I have not been to her place since I came back here. I am not sombong. I wanted to go visit. But the times when I had the time, she was in Brunei or with her mother on the other side of the river. So, knowing that the school break is looming close and I would probably be leaving for the break, instead of the other way around, she came to me.
I was in the main office, when a kid told me that someone was waiting in my office. I thought it was one of the parents who came to see me on a call letter. When I stepped inside my office, and saw who it was, I was suprised, and ashamed at the same time. And she cried when she saw me. It surprised me that she really missed me. She told me about what's happened that she hadn't been around at her own place too much lately. I called my mom and let them talk for a while. When she was done talking to my mom, we talked a little bit more. Then I promised to stop by at the place tomorrow morning, before my class starts. Her place is just 70 meters or so from where I work.
It's strange how this little lady, 50-something of age. She has aged, but she has not lost the vigor for life. I am sure she is as bubbly as she was when she was seventeen. She still plants her own rice and she is as happy as a daisy. It seems like nothing can pull her down. She seems to not let not being too in touch with her emotions get her down.
At the end of the day, what does this 'being in touch with your emotions' get you? It makes you over-analyze every little crap that people say or do to you. It makes you touchy, too sensitive, grumpy. Sometimes, I wish I can just block out all these emotions bombarding me every time something crappy happens in my life. I wish I can retrain myself to not let myself feel too much of everything.
But then that will not make me me. My friends didn't get to know me as this mild-mannered little lady with a little voice. They knew me like this. It's not impossible to retrain myself into someone else, but I have better things to do and too little time to do them in.
I am flawed, it's a sad thing. I have been kicking myself in the butt for being this way for the longest time, but I guess it is just not hard enough. So with the constantly bruised butt, I have decided that I will have to just change or just stay they way I am and accept myself the way I am. Other people are flawed too. My flawes just happen to be too many, too often and sometimes quite public. It's hard to admit, but yes, sometimes I do get in other people's way because of the way I am when imposing myself on others feels to me like the worst thing one can do to another person.
So, right now, I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. But I will figure something out, I always do.
I can't wait to see my family again. I miss them dearly.
I haven't even started packing yet. I better start now. :-)
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