last few weeks

It's been a long ass time since since I last updated this blog.

I'm such a lazy bum. Even my blog has cobwebs.

Since everything I am going to write in here is literally basi already, I'll just try and make everything brief.

Since I was on Manukan.

I have found that there are none of the photos that had me in them are worthy of space on this blog. It's either out of focus, or just have me in it, without the scene behind me, or there would be someone crossing right between the camera and me. So maybe if I ever get around to it, I'll post the photos of friends I took while we were there. But then again, aku sangat malas. Let me think about it.

Friday, I went to Limbang, ada mesyuarat pengedalian ujian lisan. Nothing much to tell you other than, as always, kak Anna was very pleasantly efficient all the way down to the exact date she will be visiting my school.

The next day, I organized the netball match for KSK. Seven teams came up and they played from 7.00 am to 7.00 pm that Wesak Saturday. We end up with 4 winners. So glad I have one obligation done and over with albeit I was crazy tired physically and mentally by the time it was over.

Sunday, I went to Merapok, picked up Mimi and we both went for a day trip to KK. At first, dia pun tak sangka I was serious. Tidakkah kau tau, Mimi, KK tu bukan lah jauh sangat pada kakak kau yang gila berjalan ni. Nothing exciting, really. Just had Kenny Rogers kerana ada perasaan mengidam sikit and then went around shopping and looking at stuff. Mostly looking of course cuz not so much money and it was supposed to be just a crazy outing je.

Oh yeah... remember that entry that I said I will never associate myself with J ever again for as long as I live? Well this is a bit like cheating, because as I have expected, he did pop up again like he always does. And he did sound like he wanted to get back on the relationship wagon. But the difference this time is that it was not that hard for me to say no again this time. Because he was not pressing me as hard as he used to. So, just now, I found out that he likes this Indian girl. He always have loved dark skinned girl. So that's why he hadn't been trying that hard this time.

Lemme confess. There was a twang of jealousy there. But I thought about it and I couldn't find any justification for the feelings. I realize that I can't have him. My mind tells me it's wrong to want someone who belongs to someone else. But he said it's alright for a Muslim man to have more than one wife. Besides, it's unfair to cling on to something from your past hoping to relive something so wonderful, maybe the most wonderful feeling I had ever experienced with anyone I have had a relationship with, when I know I have no intention to pursue the kind of relationship he had suggested. And there been nothing there anymore worth holding on to for the longest time, other than the fact that he loved me once. And he truly did. And that was it.

It's nice to know that all this while, he had been holding on to the tethers he himself had tied himelf to. The thethers are finally coming undone on his own free will.

So, I'm happy for him that he finally can let go. Yes, finding someone else does make it easier, based on experience. He never really had someone to fall back on everytime we break up. Now he does, and that twang of jealousy will eventually leave me and I will be ready to be happy for him and smile at the fact that my once true love have found his second or maybe third happiness. He is a good man, despite the fact, and he does not deserve the heartache that was me. He has a bad heart. He needs a stable and funny and sweet person to spend pleasant moments with. We used to have that. Then shit got in the way. I moved on. He finally did. As a friend, I am truly happy. Alhamdulillah.

Sedih? Ada sikit. Tapi sebagai kawan sejati seperti yang telah aku janjikan, aku ikhlas, gembira akan kegembiraan yang sedang dia nikmati dengan orang lain. He saved one half of his heart for me, but I threw it to the ground and stomped on it. Not once. Not twice. Several times. A man can only take so much. And I need him to walk away, because staying would mean I will keep hurting him. Now that half is for her. Where is the other half? Kalau korang betul tahu aku, korang akan tahu the other half of his heart is for whom. But he has a lot of love that keeps growing.

Jangan muntah. This is my life. Your life does not worth any more than mine. So don't judge me.

May 13th yang lalu, marked the 5th year dad passed on. On the weekend, aku sangat ingat, dan aku bercadang nak baca Yassin malam tu nanti. Tapi the weekend was hectic, so I forgot all about it. I have never been very good with dates. All my life, dates never mean much to me. I forget birthdays. But that date I thougth I will remember. Tapi malam tu ibu called me and told me that it was tarikh ayah meninggal. I wanted to write him a letter. But not like dad ever logs on and reads my blog. I read him the surah Yassin Khamis malam Jumaat, which was the following night, macam biasa.

I just want to say that I miss him to bits. I wanna tell him what a wonderful father I thought he was and that eventhough there were some crazy shit times between him and mom, it's okay because I know they love each other and everyone in the family to eternity and back. That's just how the way we are. I am grateful that I was born to be his daughter, because he had taught me a lot on life. I'll write him a letter. He should not just be a footnote in one of my entries.

Lately, hidup macam kurang makna. No, this is not a suicide note. I love life. Life is okay. Aku je kurang ok.

Punyalah kurang ok, sehinggakan aku ada perselisihan dengan seseorang kat sekolah. Bukan selisih faham. Kami sangat memahami apa yang telah berlaku antara kami. Aku sedar kesalahan aku, dan dia sedar kesalahan dia. Tapi selama ni dia selalu menegur kesilapan aku. Selama ni aku terima saja dengan hati terbuka. Tapi petang tu, sebab aku bergaduh dengan J paginya, sepanjang hari jadi terganggu. Aku tak minta J text aku. Tapi dia suka juga text aku dan akhirnya aku dengan dia bergaduh. On text. Dan sebab dia dengan aku bergaduh, ada something wrong somewhere dalam kepala aku, aku jadi extra sensitif hari tu. So bila dia tegur aku, aku rasa macam tak adil sangat sebab aku rasa dia boleh handle the situation a lot better than the way she did. So aku marah dia balik. On text sebab dia tegu aku pun on text. Aku tau mesti lepas ni tak bertegur la kami kat tempat kerja. Tapi aku sangat marah sebab rasa unfair sangat dia wat cam tu.

Apa-apa pun, aku dah kata, thanks for tegur me like that, sebab me tau, me selalu buat silap. Me thank dia sangat. Tapi me think dia boleh tegur me in such a better way than the way she did, sebab itu me respect her selama ni. Tapi I guess, dalam keadaan marah, sesiapa je pun boleh melatop!

So aku boleh maafkan dia. Aku dah pun maafkan dia sebab aku sedar, aku pun salah juga. Tapi aku tau coming from me, it is a little hard to swallow. So I know she doesn't like it, and tak semua orang macam aku boleh terima teguran, mengamuk sekejap, digest, dan back to normal. I guess she needs more time. I didn't mean to steal her thunder and wreck everything between us. Takpelah, she can take her time.

Oh ye, aku dah pandai snorkelling. This fat build up is really helping. Next time I am on an island somewhere, no more renting life jackets for snorkelling. And I have yet to learn how to swim properly. So kalau aku kena cramps ke apa ke, ko rasa aku boleh timbul tak, atau aku akan mati je nanti?

Last week aku pergi KK lagi. Walaupun aku takde duit, aku tetap pergi. Aku memang dah gila. I think I am trying to run away from something. But I don't know what. Has Lawas become a chore to me? Has work finally gotten on to my nerves? Is this all there to life?

When I told W about it, she said, come back home, we can hangout together at KLCC and go places. That would be fun. She is a fun person. But we always have our sibling fights and arguments too. But that's not it. I think I am finally ready for a move. It took me ten years to realize that I am indeed a city girl and I could only get so far in the small town life. So what I can't have the greeneries on all sides on the way to and from work. So what if I can't have the toll-free road all to myself and drive as fast as I can go without getting a ticket? So what if no one knows me by name and car plate number. So what if I can just park my car right in front of the bank or the post office and get my business done a drive away without having to pay for leaving my car out in precious uncovered space that belonged to the municipal counciul? So what if I don't have to fight for standing space at the waterfall? So what I don't get to eat some siput tarik when next I step into a seafood restaurant? So what if I have crystal clear blue ocean waiting for me to jump in just three hours fromw here I live? So what if I get to pay just RM5 for all the tap water I use all month? There is more to life than freedom of space and time.

Time to stop worrying about all that because the kind of job I will be doing and the family I will have close by will help me not to have time to even think about these things. Let alone miss them.

Pergi KK wat apa? Entah. It was a big blur. Tapi aku ingat aku pergi tengok Angels and Demons kat Growball Theatre at Centrepoint KK. Sebab? Kerana filem garapan Ron Howard ini sangat mendebarkan and it had kept me on the edge of my seat throughout the movie, unlike its predecessor, The DaVinci Code which was such a disappointment compared to the book. This time, I didn't have time to read the book yet, so that might have helped.

Again, the whole scenario happened in one night and this professor has to solve some stuff in order to save the four preferatis who were to be elected to replace the pope on his death. They were kidnapped by a man paid by someone or some organization. He kills them one by one, until the last one whom he tried to drown in the fountain. strapping him onto some upright trolley you see people use at warehouses to transport goods and to that, the kidnapper had tied on some weights. He drove his diabolical van and parked it right next to the fountain. Killed two police officers before opening the side door of the vehicle, and pushed the cardinal into the fountain to die from drowning as in the fourth element. The professor jumped in right after him but the cardinal was almost out of breath when he was finally joined by some other people who heard him yelling for help. They finally manaed to pull him out of the water. At the end of the story, he became the pope of course, because he was the last of the preferatis.

I figured out the real bad guy when he said, 'It's him, he has the gun!' with the flesh on his chest still hot and bleeding from the branding iron he himself had pressed on to. But the scene where he took to the helicopter with the anti matter and flew high up in the sky before it exploded in mid air was pretty damn dramatic if you were still in limbo on who is the baddie. Oh, he was a trained army transport pilot before he went and became a priest at the vatican.

He was trying to become the pope through the special elections so he could convert the church to science. He is one ambitious bastard.

I also found out that my friend Natalie have had her operation to correct her bite. I saw the two photos on her other blog and saw how swollen her face is. I wish I could visit, but she never invited me to her mom's place. I hope she gets well again very soon, so we can go out and catch a movie or something.

Actually, last weekend, I had planned to be in KK to take Johana on some sight-seeing. Thought it would be great fun if me, Nat and Jo can all go together. Maybe Mimi can join too because we always go to KK on weekends together lately. But Jo had to cancel sebab ada doctor's appointment katanya. Nat pun is recuperating. Since I had it already planned and memang jiwa ni senantiasa meronta-ronta nak keluar dari Lawas, I went anyway.

I had a blast! Beli itu ini begini begitu.

Oh yes. I'm not sure who reads this blog. And I am sure they know me by now that when I write in here it's not because I have any ulterior motives. Just to remind myself who I was 10 years from now.

So apa pun aku tulis sini, is for me, and I am not too worried of what you think of me, because as a person, I know even if I am never up to par to you and you and you, I have indeed grown by leaps and bounds and glad that the events in my life have lead me here.

So here goes.

Aku dengan N, is over. Don't gasp in horror! I want it to be over. Letih la. We both have very busy lives and there is someone out there better for the both of us. Bukan in terms of finances or whatnots. More on the emotional attachment level. There had been none of those with him. No pointing of fingers here. Just a fact which is not sad at all. Just a realization. Too many secrets and too much aloof nonchalance on both sides, mana boleh hidup ini benda? So, I am giving it a rest. If he decides to call, it's up to him. But going on trips with him again, I will have to think about it longer and harder before deciding.

Kucing aku, si Mimie' is such a slut. She is pregnant! AGAIN!

You see, I love cats and I adore kittens, but I am a working woman who shares a house with other not so like-minded people. I worry every time I have to travel. They will surely keep the kittens outside in the cold and eventually be killed off by dogs. I can't have anymore kittens until I am back in KL when there is always someone to take care of them when I travel. Well, in West Malaysia lah. But methinks.... Ala.... will she still be with me when the time comes for me to go back? Kalau masih dengan aku, aku akan bawa dia balik sekali kalau dapat kelulusan veterinar. Kalau tak, terpaksalah dia jadio kucing jalanan kalau takde sapa yang nak kat dia. Dia bukan purebred, just kucing kampung yang sangat manja. Kalau aku nangis, dia terus datang dekat aku. Tatau kenapa. Selalunya dia akan dok kat riba aku ni time aku menaip ke apa ke. Tapi bila aku nangis, dia terus snuggle close at my neck. Tersentuh jiwa ni taw?


Played badminton after three months of not playing. Ada friendly match dengan SMK Lawas. my opponent was good. We played as well as we could. The fact of the matter is, aku dengan partner aku tak click. Bukan salah sapa-sapa lah. Aku pun dah out of shape. Gained a few kg's and stamina pun tak bagus sangat. I don't remember the score, but we played rubber set, we lost with little difference in the score. At least larat la nak berubber setnya pun dalam gemok gemok semput ni nya ha. But at least I know my fitness level after so long not palying. Nak kena mula main balik nih!!! Jangan dibiarkan diri ni menternak badan. I bukan kerbau, ok? Nak di aqiqahkan.

Apa aku merapu malam ni? Dah lewat dah ni. Hari ini, lepas judging poetry recital, aku balik sorang sebab M dan L tak tahu aku hanya ada empat contestants je. Aku pun mana taw? Dah dok kat situ baru tau. Lepas tu mana lah pulak jadi hakim nak main smsnya kan? Ces, aku sangka pun mereka takde orang nak ditumpang petang tadi. By the time I sent them a tesxt message, they were already on the way home dengan orang lain.

Lepas tu aku drive sengsorang. Then aku bantai terlelap berpuluh kali. Sampai beberapa kali aku terasa macam ada orang keep tapping on my shoulder to wake me up just in time to avoid hitting the car ahead of me, or driving straight into the side of a winding road right into the gutter.

AKu berhenti sekejap kat tepi jalan and tried to sleep it off. Tapi macam biasa, tak pernah berjaya. So, aku drive je la dalam mengantuk tu sampai jugalah ke rumah. Masuk bilik terus tidur. Dua jam! Bagusnya!!! Tak solat asar sebab masa I woke up dah masuk Maghrib. Now dah 12.22 aku tak leh tido.

Mimie' lena kat sebelah aku dengan perutnya yang sangat besar. Dia sangat comel bila tidur. Aku ada banyak gambar dia tido.

Aku hilang kucing satu lagi. I took her drom school. She is basically white with three large dots of yellow brown and black on her spine. Dia pun sangat comel because he has an adorable air about her. I have some photos of her too. I'll usually take her home from school, play with her in my room, where she will stay the whole night and then take her back to school the next day. One day she escaped downstairs. I thought dia adalah kat rumah. Rupanya dia dah tak ada. Tah siapa amik tah tahulah. I cried when it finally sunk in. Takde lagi kucing comel temankan aku di ofis yang cavernous dan sunyi tu. Takde lagi yang nak steal the scene by sleeping in such a cute way in my handbag. Kalau dia hidup lagi, I hope she is fine. If she is not, I know she is in kitty heaven, because she had been such a good little kitty who made a lot of people happy with her antics. Especially me.

Hmmm... I'm glad W dah kemas bilik dia. I never liked that it is always so messy. But she has her issues. And she will clean up when she wants to.

I miss mom. Miss my Ame and Afan and Isya. Miss J, now that I know he's finally moved on. Typical human, me. Missing W very dearly. And missing dad. Wish you're still with us, Ayah. But I know God loves you more so you had to leave this cruel world to go be with him. Semoga ayah tenteram di sana.

Good night, everyone.