purity

I used to think that a girl in a hijab is protected from bad things. Things that are prohibited in the faith. But I had mistaken myself. The protection only comes from within; oneself. Being in a hijab does not make you invincible from temptations.

I am not saying that the hijabbed are hypocritical. But honestly, I don't think the people who are unwilling to give up the tight-fitting garment that they pair with the hijab to make up a so-called new Muslimah look, they better just not wear a hijab at all, because there is no use covering your head when you are virtually naked in the eyes of the faith. Prancing around in body-hugging and tight-fitting second-skin garments that you pair with a head covering is just plain wrong.

And to those covered girls who still have all the pre-marital sex they want to have, drink all they want and whatnots, take it off. Stop giving a bad name to those girls who does cover themselves up from the purity of their hearts. For God. Not for the sake of fashion.

W, if mom is worried that I am doing the hanky panky with Mimi, and talks about it with you, please tell her, not to worry. I am old enough to know better as it is.

Love you, miss you. See you again soon.

why?

On Twilight...

I haven't read the book, so I don't really understand why a few hundred year old vampire choose to keep staying in school. Can't they get a job, or something? And what's a few hundred year old vampire doing falling in love with an under-aged school girl?

Did I miss this chunk of info by not reading the book?

Nice movie though...

packin'

In a perfect world, I am perfect.

It's not a perfect world. I am not perfect.

The truth of the matter is, when I am flooded with other responsibilities, I tend to forget a lot of personal things that needs to be done a long time before the other stuff.

I am leaving for a two-week school break. Tomorrow. I am lucky to have a job that allows that. But here is the thing; I don't know who I will be leaving my car with and my cat just gave birth to 3 tiny adorable kittens.

I don't know if I can get to KKIA from my workplace in time tomorrow. I don't really know why I got myself the 1640 flight when I normally take the 2015 flight. So, right after school tomorrow, I hope I have found a kind soul to board the cat and the kittens for the next 14 days. I could have given away this cat a long time ago, but she is the only companion I have in my state of constant aloneness. No, that does not mean I am lonely. Look it up. This is the only cat that had stayed with me longer than two years. The others just disappeared when they are well enough or grown up. Her being plain looking just helped her from being catnapped, I guess. And I took her to the vet about two months ago for fear that she might get pregnant again. But the vet didn't want to do it. I wondered why, but I took her home and sure enough, she was pregnant again soon after. So now I have one cat and three kittens.

This morning, I had hit a puppy. At the oil palm estate. I was overtaking some workers on bicycles, when this puppy having been running between these bicycles, decided to cross the road right into my car. I braked, but it was too late. It just went under and was left in a bundle on the side of the road, in the grass, howling in pain. And I didn't stop. I drove on and went all the way to school and left Linda there. I went back to the place where I had hit the puppy to ask who it belonged to. But the puppy was gone and along the road, no one heard of anyone talking about me hitting the puppy.

I love dogs. If it is not because it is najis mughallazah to Muslims, I would have owned a few.

I am so very sorry, puppy. I hope he did not have to suffer too long for what I had done. I can still hear it howling in pain in that bundle on the side of the road. God, please forgive me.

And this morning my mak angkat came to my office. Bearing with her the box of belacan she made herself that she always makes sure I take back to my mom every time I fly home. I have not been to her place since I came back here. I am not sombong. I wanted to go visit. But the times when I had the time, she was in Brunei or with her mother on the other side of the river. So, knowing that the school break is looming close and I would probably be leaving for the break, instead of the other way around, she came to me.

I was in the main office, when a kid told me that someone was waiting in my office. I thought it was one of the parents who came to see me on a call letter. When I stepped inside my office, and saw who it was, I was suprised, and ashamed at the same time. And she cried when she saw me. It surprised me that she really missed me. She told me about what's happened that she hadn't been around at her own place too much lately. I called my mom and let them talk for a while. When she was done talking to my mom, we talked a little bit more. Then I promised to stop by at the place tomorrow morning, before my class starts. Her place is just 70 meters or so from where I work.

It's strange how this little lady, 50-something of age. She has aged, but she has not lost the vigor for life. I am sure she is as bubbly as she was when she was seventeen. She still plants her own rice and she is as happy as a daisy. It seems like nothing can pull her down. She seems to not let not being too in touch with her emotions get her down.

At the end of the day, what does this 'being in touch with your emotions' get you? It makes you over-analyze every little crap that people say or do to you. It makes you touchy, too sensitive, grumpy. Sometimes, I wish I can just block out all these emotions bombarding me every time something crappy happens in my life. I wish I can retrain myself to not let myself feel too much of everything.

But then that will not make me me. My friends didn't get to know me as this mild-mannered little lady with a little voice. They knew me like this. It's not impossible to retrain myself into someone else, but I have better things to do and too little time to do them in.

I am flawed, it's a sad thing. I have been kicking myself in the butt for being this way for the longest time, but I guess it is just not hard enough. So with the constantly bruised butt, I have decided that I will have to just change or just stay they way I am and accept myself the way I am. Other people are flawed too. My flawes just happen to be too many, too often and sometimes quite public. It's hard to admit, but yes, sometimes I do get in other people's way because of the way I am when imposing myself on others feels to me like the worst thing one can do to another person.

So, right now, I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. But I will figure something out, I always do.

I can't wait to see my family again. I miss them dearly.

I haven't even started packing yet. I better start now. :-)

Tak sabar nak balik Jumaat ni... Hmmm!!!

jenjalan & kanmakan

Aaaaah... penatnya.

Siapa suruh aku memenatkan badan? Takde siapa.

Hantar penceramah yang aku amik hari tu. Lepas je ceramah tu selesai, kami semua lunch, and then terus we hopped into my trustee QMF and terus drive ke KK tanpa henti cuz I already had my things packed and loaded in the trunk of the car before I left home earlier. En. Ahmad pun dah check out from his hotel room before we left for the lecture.

We didn't drive all the way just the two of us, mind you. I did pick up Mimi, as always at his school, and we drove there together gether. At the airport, I just dropped En. Ahmad off and said goodbye. I don't always just drop people off like that without hanging around sampai that person goes into the departure hall. I felt a little guilty, he came all the way there and then I just dropped him off like that. But he said, dah hantar sampai sini pun dah syukur sangat dah.

He's such a nice person. We talked from Lawas to KK. Macam-macam hal budak sekolah kami cakapkan. His lecture had been enlightening. Lepas ni, harapnya, kuranglah sikit soalan-soalan musykil dari adik-adik guru kat sekolah tu yang aku tak mampu nak jawab.

Lepas we said our goodbyes and he salamed Mimi, we left him there and headed to our hotel. Checked in and the first thing we did was pergi 1Borneo. Makan and window shopping. Saja pergi sana dulu cuz jauh sangat dari pusat bandar. Beli handbag kat gerai-gerai tu, baju T and long sleeve kat FOS dan kasut. Semua murs murs! Maklum je, hujung-hujung ni. Ala, kalau awal-awal pun, aku memang tak mampu nak beli Braun Buffel, Manolo Blahnik atau Salvatore Ferragamo...

Then balik ke hotel, bawa barang naik atas and rehat-rehat. Turned off my phone. Saja nak conserve energy, cuz lupa bawa charger. Then the hotel phone rang "Room service" katanya. Kejadahnya? Si Mimi call nak tanya bila nak turun. Dah siap dia rupanya. Ten minutes!!! Biasalah, walau setengah jam pun, tetap kata ten minutes... I try la, ok?

Dapat park kereta depan hotel. Maklum je, budget hotel ni kan mana ada underground parking lot? Lagi pun tempat nak pergi tu just within walking distance je dar situ, so we went to CP on foot. Takde la nak beli apa pun. Teringat nak catch a movie lagi. And while si Mimi pergio nengok2 baju di FOS yang baru buka kat CP tu, I said nak pergi tengok kalau ada movie yang I can see within the time limits I have set to myself (preferably anything that ends before 12 midnight).

Star Trek was to start at 8.20 that night. It was ten past eight at the time. That is so sweet! I got myself a ticket and text Mimi saying sorry that I was going in at 8. He said, ok je... senang kan, kawan dengan dia? Takde nak kecik-kecik ati.

I have to say, Zachary Quinto is my new crush pulak dah... cis! Tak setia betul. Tapi tak la seberat aku crush kat Martin Shaw. Sebab he is still so very young and so skinny. It was just the persona he portrayed in the movie that struck me. Cuz he was supposed to be the younger version of Leonard Nimoy and I have always had a crush on that guy when I used to watch Start Trek when I was younger. Way younger. Boy I have already had my daddy issues way back then la. Cait!

Anyway, it was good. And I am one happy woman because lately, I have been able to see all the movies that I really really wanted to see. I saw Wolverine, Angels and Demons AND Start Trek and I loved them all, and they are totally worth the money. Will find the DVD as soon as they come out.

Pirate dah kuar? Ello, apa pirate-pirate ni? Ehem...!

Berlagak la pulok.

Takkan nak ngaku kat sini? Kan salah di sisi undang-undang gitu?

Lepas movie, aku balik sorang ke hotel. Si Mimi, aku tak tahu apa dia buat lepas aku pergi tengok movie. Probably shopping lagi. Later on pun dia nak pergi clubbing dengan kawan-kawan dia, macam biasa. No, that is a different set of friends, and I am not a part of that set.

Balik, tukar baju, tengok Cinemax, tido.

Next (this) morning, bangun agak lewat kerana hujung minggu aku memang lewat bangun la. Bukan kat umah pun, nak laundry baju or kemas umah ke pe ke.

Kul 9 dah bangun pun. Tapi sebab aku malas nak pergi mana-mana, aku tengok tv je. Sampai si Mimi ketuk pintu, aku tengah mandi. Mak! Ten minutes!!!

Turun, check out and masuk kereta. Makan kat Malindo Api-Api. Ada squad moto besar pergi perasmian pameran keta kat depan tu. Semua moto BMW. Oh mak, menitis ayor mata nengor bunyi enjinnya yang sungguh menaikkan nafsu tu. Kalau lah dapat merasa bawa kelliling bangunan tu seround dua pun, alangkah indahnya. Heaven....

Dapat amik foto pun jadik la...

Pergi Karamunsing. Ingat nak upgrade RAM menda cinonet ni. Rupanya tak leh. Oh well... takpelah. Bukan primary work station pun.

Then tatau nak pergi mana... ke mana kami? City Mall pulak. Gila ke apa? Mengukur bangunan betul kali ni.

BC studio yang pernah ada kat CP tu dah pindah ke sana. Tak ada lagi jual baju yang aku suka tu. Kemeja putih dengan fabrik meregang. Kini ia sudah jadi sebuah boutique yang kelihatan gah. Harga bajunya pun RM200 ke atas je. Bukan macam dulu when it used to see baju reject. Well kalau the collar labels dah kena tanggal tu, bukan reject ke, namanya?

Then masuk departmental storenya. I needed a new luggage sebab luggage lama dah tertanggal handlenya. Ada sale 50% discount, belilah satu. Sebab kalau tak beli takkan balik Jumaat ni aku nak bawak beg yang handlenya dah terkelepai? Kakinya dah patah satu lebih dua tahun dulu tapi aku pakai juga, wat-wat tak nampak je. And kikis je perasaan malu and segan kat orang, sebab badan dia masih elok sangat lagi. Just kakinya yang plastik tu je yang patah. So what dia senget sikit bila aku prop dia upright? So what orang tengok? Dia adalah the little luggage yang sangat baik kepada aku.

Then aku takde benda nak beli sangat, aku kata kat Mimi, please carry on, let me duduk kat Sta@rbux while I wait for ya. Between me and him, frankly, dia yang kuat membelek barangnya pun. Me, not so much. So, kalau time shopping, selalunya, aku yang kena duduk mana-mana tunggu dia puas membelek and membeli barang.

So aku pun plonked myself at that place with a venti caramel machiatto. With free whiped cream cuz the guy at the counter kesian kat aku sebab aku tetiba tanya kenapa takda whipped cream? The girl kata takde sebab aku kat kata nak, masa bayar tadi. Tapi tah macamana, the guy kata come come I put for you. Dah la comel, baik la pulak tu. Nasib baik aku takde anak dara, kalau tak, nak je aku buat menantu.

Sambil duduk tu, tengok keliling, semua orang ada laptop. Oh ye, aku kat ada si cinonet dalam handbag aku ni kan? Apa kata...

Online, siapa lagi kat YIM tu yang adanya sibuk mengebuzz aku? The ever faithful J. Jangan risau, dia cuma kawan. Kini sangat bahagia dengan the Indian girl. And dia sangat hormat atas kehendak aku, di mana dia tidak menyebut hal gadis tu dengan aku.

Mulanya aku cakap la dengan dia. Tapi later on, when Mimi was done with his shopping, I asked him to come over to where I was sitting so J could talk some to him. Turned on the webcam, showed him the coffee shop and then biar je dia chat with Mimi. Dia nak tengok me, but me was embarrassed by me double chin, so biar la dia chat dengan si Mimi je.

Habis battery, kami gerak. Aku tak bawa charger. Aku bukan bawa cinonet untuk di whip out at every chance I get to surf the web FOC.

Oh, belum balik lagi, ok? Pergi Tanjung Aru pulak. Duduk-duduk. Mimi beli sayap ayam. Lepas habis sayap ayam and separuh gargantuan avocado juice ( yang ditapao dalam gelas kertas sebesar Big Gulp) kami jenjalan kat pantai tu. Tengok abang-abang practice rubgi. Wergheheheh... kami adalah girlfriends sangat!

Lepas tu, ada motor besar datang. Augh!!! Mak nak sebijik, sedekah le weih! Kedekut betul!

Mak nak nanges dengar bunyi enjin dia. Takde jenama tempatan deh... semua yang importm, ok?

Then kami teruskan perjalanan. Balik... Si Mimi tido kejap dalam kereta. Dia risau mak letih or mengantuk. Ala, kalau dah malam, takde la ngantuk. Petang je, masa matahari menyilaukan je mak risau mak tertidur. Tak tahulah kenapa.

Sampai Sipitang, kami berhenti rehat kejap. Makan nasi goreng daging. Then hantar dia balik kuarters dia and then mak terus balik ke rumah di Lawas.

Mak? Hello, siapa pondan ni? Dia ke I?

Anyway, saja je cerita kat sini. Malam ni katanya result transfer akan kuar lepas tengah malam. Dia ada apply. Kalau dia dapat pindah, this could have been the last we both sempat outing sama-sama. Next times sampai I pindah, I will probably pergi sendirian. Which is okay. Cuma not as much fun sebab sorang-sorang kan? Kawan lain mana ada yang nak ikut?

Okey dokey... It's LATE! Aku patut dah tido kul 10 tadi lagi! Sungguh tak berdisiplin cikgu ni.

Babai lah, korang sume... Me tido lu...

still a rock star

Topic of the day; aku sangat penat.

Pergi sekolah cam biasa. Daily assembly, Negaraku, Doa. Hari ni aku noticed budak2 turun sendiri tanpa dipanggil. Not gonna get myself all excited, cuz dorang tak boleh dipuji. Biar je tengok dulu cemana.

Ada mak budak datang, anak dia marah dia sebab paksa dia sekolah. Aku kata, takpelah kalau nak berhenti. Biar kehidupan saja jadi gurunya kalau dah ibu bapa dan guru tak boleh ajar lagi. Tapi kerani buat sijil tu berkurun nak datang sekolah, makcik tu lari dulu sebelum sijil berhenti dapat dikeluarkan. Sebenarnya aku kelesuan sebab periods aku macam air terjun pagi tu, so aku kurang faham apa motif makcik tu datang mengadu kat aku macam tu. Tak patut aku kata suruh berhenti tu kan? Tapi kalau dah sampai marah mak sendiri, aku rasa budak tu layak jadi sampah je. Biar dia rasakan susah payah hidup ni sendiri.

Lepas macam2 hal and breakfast, kul 9.10 am baru ada masa free nak bungkus bunga dawai and manik yang Z tempah kat orang kampung and she asked to mail to her. M nak balik Melaka untuk persediaan kahwin dia, so I thought lebih baik kirim kat M je.

Din tolong aku bungkus. Bagus betul kerja dia. Kemas. Dah bungkus dengan kadbod, bungkus dengan manila kad lagi. Bunga tu ada dalam 4.5 kaki panjangnya.

Kul 9.50, ada parent datang nak jumpa aku pasal anak dia. Aku jemput dia duk kat bilik PK1 aku and we talked about his daughters. Banyak betul masalah dia. Aku tumpang simpati. Sebab ayah mana yang gembira kalau anak tak minat ke sekolah. Aku betul-betul simpati kat dia. Aku kata, hari Isnin ni, kalau dia datang sekolah, biar saya jumpa dia and cakap dengan dia. Lepas tu saya akan suruh pergi sesi kaunseling supaya dia jumpa semula matlamat dia ke sekolah.

Then aku pergi mengajar. Lewat masuk kelas sebab jumpa pakcik tadi. Budak-budak dah resah gelisah and tido tido kat meja. Kelas hujung, corot, nakal, etc, semua la. Tapi aku tetap sayang diorang, sebab aku faham perasaan jadi budak corot kat sekolah dulu. Aku buat pop quiz je sesi kali ni. Aku kata, markah tertinggi, akan dapat sebatang pen dakwat hijau jenama Buncho yang aku buat koleksi.

Danny B. B. dapat 13/14. Dia memang pandai. Tapi kesamsengannya sangat membingungkan. Seperti dia malu jadi pandai. Aku senyum lebar masa umumkan dia markah tertinggi. Masa aku bagi pen kat dia, aku kata, ni baru satu, saya ada satu koleksi, lain kali quiz, buat lagi. Dia sengih lebar je.

Kamran, kenapa kau ponteng aje? Dia takde duit nak beli minyak motor cikgu. Ok, dok asrama ye? Lepas cuti ni. Saya pun pakai keter tu, seminggu RM70. Ala, cikgu ada gaji tetap. Ha... tu lah kamu, kalau cikgu berduit, cikgu salah. Cikgu pandai, cikgu salah, cikgu cantik/kemas/smart, cikgu salah. Semua cikgu salah. Kamulah semua yang betulnya?

Inda' inda' cikgu.

OK, times up. Saya keluar awal hari ni. Jangan nakal-nakal, nanti cikgu lain kata kamu jahat. Jangan mengada nak balik awal aaa... ikut jadual macam biasa. Jangan baik sebab saya, bila saya pindah nanti, kamu nak jadi apa?

Cikgu nak pindah ke? Jangan cikgu, muda lagi. bla bla bla...

Cukup lah 10 tahun saya kat sini. Mak saya dah lama tunggu saya balik. Kesian dia. Bye.. see you people tomorrow! Bye, cikgu.

Masuk kereta, left school at 11am, seperti dirunding dengan boss. Ikut Jeff, dia naik motor, akan temankan aku pergi and balik KK ambil penceramah. Bawa M sekali, dia balik awal sebab nak siap hal kahwin.

Berhenti makan kat Bfort. Then gave him a call. Saja. Tapi phone off. Buat missed call 2 kali. Hmm, aku cakap kat M dan Jeff, kalau dia tak call balik sampai 12 malam ni, NEXT!

Dah kul 10.27... biarlah.

Text Mimi hal ni. Dia kata, patutnya ini dah berlaku lama dulu. Aku sangat setuju. Dan aku tidak berasa apa pun. Alhamdulillah. Again, God had saved me from myself.

Selama ni aku assumed je, sebab dah lama tak communicate. This time, confirmed.

So what? I'm still a rock star. I've got my rock moves, and I don't need you. Guess what? I'm having more fun, and now that we're done, and I don't need you tonight, I'm alright... bla bla bla...

Thanks to Pink for writing that song for me. Hiks! :-)

Hantar M ke airport Air Asia, tinggalkan dia dengan Jeff. Patah semula ke KKIA, amik En. Ahmad, Patah balik ke Air Asia, amik Jeff. Hampir terlupa meninggalkan M dengan duit bayar bunga tu! Kesian la dia kalau aku terlupa terus dan dia tak ingatkan.

Balik la.... Sian M tinggal sana sampai flight dia kul 8 tadi.

Singgah makan siput tarikh, ketam, udang and sayuran kat Beringgis Seafood.

Drive, sampai Sipitang, berhenti minum sekejap.

Sampai Lawas, tinggalkan En. Ahmad kat Perdana Hotel. Balik umah, tukar baju. Ah! Cenderahati penceramah aku tempah sian tadi aku lupa nak amik! Dah 9.11pm! Call Hoe Peng. Dia kata boleh pergi amik kat kedai, call dulu. Dia kat Miri. Call kedai, kuar amik benda tu. Balik.

Check email. Check offline messages on YIM. Buat blog entry ni.

Esok pergi bawa En. Ahmad breakfast. Then drive ke sekolah. Then ceramah. Then hantar dia balik ke KKIA. Bawa Mimi sekali. Kami tido KK malam esok.

Missing you all... :-)

last few weeks

It's been a long ass time since since I last updated this blog.

I'm such a lazy bum. Even my blog has cobwebs.

Since everything I am going to write in here is literally basi already, I'll just try and make everything brief.

Since I was on Manukan.

I have found that there are none of the photos that had me in them are worthy of space on this blog. It's either out of focus, or just have me in it, without the scene behind me, or there would be someone crossing right between the camera and me. So maybe if I ever get around to it, I'll post the photos of friends I took while we were there. But then again, aku sangat malas. Let me think about it.

Friday, I went to Limbang, ada mesyuarat pengedalian ujian lisan. Nothing much to tell you other than, as always, kak Anna was very pleasantly efficient all the way down to the exact date she will be visiting my school.

The next day, I organized the netball match for KSK. Seven teams came up and they played from 7.00 am to 7.00 pm that Wesak Saturday. We end up with 4 winners. So glad I have one obligation done and over with albeit I was crazy tired physically and mentally by the time it was over.

Sunday, I went to Merapok, picked up Mimi and we both went for a day trip to KK. At first, dia pun tak sangka I was serious. Tidakkah kau tau, Mimi, KK tu bukan lah jauh sangat pada kakak kau yang gila berjalan ni. Nothing exciting, really. Just had Kenny Rogers kerana ada perasaan mengidam sikit and then went around shopping and looking at stuff. Mostly looking of course cuz not so much money and it was supposed to be just a crazy outing je.

Oh yeah... remember that entry that I said I will never associate myself with J ever again for as long as I live? Well this is a bit like cheating, because as I have expected, he did pop up again like he always does. And he did sound like he wanted to get back on the relationship wagon. But the difference this time is that it was not that hard for me to say no again this time. Because he was not pressing me as hard as he used to. So, just now, I found out that he likes this Indian girl. He always have loved dark skinned girl. So that's why he hadn't been trying that hard this time.

Lemme confess. There was a twang of jealousy there. But I thought about it and I couldn't find any justification for the feelings. I realize that I can't have him. My mind tells me it's wrong to want someone who belongs to someone else. But he said it's alright for a Muslim man to have more than one wife. Besides, it's unfair to cling on to something from your past hoping to relive something so wonderful, maybe the most wonderful feeling I had ever experienced with anyone I have had a relationship with, when I know I have no intention to pursue the kind of relationship he had suggested. And there been nothing there anymore worth holding on to for the longest time, other than the fact that he loved me once. And he truly did. And that was it.

It's nice to know that all this while, he had been holding on to the tethers he himself had tied himelf to. The thethers are finally coming undone on his own free will.

So, I'm happy for him that he finally can let go. Yes, finding someone else does make it easier, based on experience. He never really had someone to fall back on everytime we break up. Now he does, and that twang of jealousy will eventually leave me and I will be ready to be happy for him and smile at the fact that my once true love have found his second or maybe third happiness. He is a good man, despite the fact, and he does not deserve the heartache that was me. He has a bad heart. He needs a stable and funny and sweet person to spend pleasant moments with. We used to have that. Then shit got in the way. I moved on. He finally did. As a friend, I am truly happy. Alhamdulillah.

Sedih? Ada sikit. Tapi sebagai kawan sejati seperti yang telah aku janjikan, aku ikhlas, gembira akan kegembiraan yang sedang dia nikmati dengan orang lain. He saved one half of his heart for me, but I threw it to the ground and stomped on it. Not once. Not twice. Several times. A man can only take so much. And I need him to walk away, because staying would mean I will keep hurting him. Now that half is for her. Where is the other half? Kalau korang betul tahu aku, korang akan tahu the other half of his heart is for whom. But he has a lot of love that keeps growing.

Jangan muntah. This is my life. Your life does not worth any more than mine. So don't judge me.

May 13th yang lalu, marked the 5th year dad passed on. On the weekend, aku sangat ingat, dan aku bercadang nak baca Yassin malam tu nanti. Tapi the weekend was hectic, so I forgot all about it. I have never been very good with dates. All my life, dates never mean much to me. I forget birthdays. But that date I thougth I will remember. Tapi malam tu ibu called me and told me that it was tarikh ayah meninggal. I wanted to write him a letter. But not like dad ever logs on and reads my blog. I read him the surah Yassin Khamis malam Jumaat, which was the following night, macam biasa.

I just want to say that I miss him to bits. I wanna tell him what a wonderful father I thought he was and that eventhough there were some crazy shit times between him and mom, it's okay because I know they love each other and everyone in the family to eternity and back. That's just how the way we are. I am grateful that I was born to be his daughter, because he had taught me a lot on life. I'll write him a letter. He should not just be a footnote in one of my entries.

Lately, hidup macam kurang makna. No, this is not a suicide note. I love life. Life is okay. Aku je kurang ok.

Punyalah kurang ok, sehinggakan aku ada perselisihan dengan seseorang kat sekolah. Bukan selisih faham. Kami sangat memahami apa yang telah berlaku antara kami. Aku sedar kesalahan aku, dan dia sedar kesalahan dia. Tapi selama ni dia selalu menegur kesilapan aku. Selama ni aku terima saja dengan hati terbuka. Tapi petang tu, sebab aku bergaduh dengan J paginya, sepanjang hari jadi terganggu. Aku tak minta J text aku. Tapi dia suka juga text aku dan akhirnya aku dengan dia bergaduh. On text. Dan sebab dia dengan aku bergaduh, ada something wrong somewhere dalam kepala aku, aku jadi extra sensitif hari tu. So bila dia tegur aku, aku rasa macam tak adil sangat sebab aku rasa dia boleh handle the situation a lot better than the way she did. So aku marah dia balik. On text sebab dia tegu aku pun on text. Aku tau mesti lepas ni tak bertegur la kami kat tempat kerja. Tapi aku sangat marah sebab rasa unfair sangat dia wat cam tu.

Apa-apa pun, aku dah kata, thanks for tegur me like that, sebab me tau, me selalu buat silap. Me thank dia sangat. Tapi me think dia boleh tegur me in such a better way than the way she did, sebab itu me respect her selama ni. Tapi I guess, dalam keadaan marah, sesiapa je pun boleh melatop!

So aku boleh maafkan dia. Aku dah pun maafkan dia sebab aku sedar, aku pun salah juga. Tapi aku tau coming from me, it is a little hard to swallow. So I know she doesn't like it, and tak semua orang macam aku boleh terima teguran, mengamuk sekejap, digest, dan back to normal. I guess she needs more time. I didn't mean to steal her thunder and wreck everything between us. Takpelah, she can take her time.

Oh ye, aku dah pandai snorkelling. This fat build up is really helping. Next time I am on an island somewhere, no more renting life jackets for snorkelling. And I have yet to learn how to swim properly. So kalau aku kena cramps ke apa ke, ko rasa aku boleh timbul tak, atau aku akan mati je nanti?

Last week aku pergi KK lagi. Walaupun aku takde duit, aku tetap pergi. Aku memang dah gila. I think I am trying to run away from something. But I don't know what. Has Lawas become a chore to me? Has work finally gotten on to my nerves? Is this all there to life?

When I told W about it, she said, come back home, we can hangout together at KLCC and go places. That would be fun. She is a fun person. But we always have our sibling fights and arguments too. But that's not it. I think I am finally ready for a move. It took me ten years to realize that I am indeed a city girl and I could only get so far in the small town life. So what I can't have the greeneries on all sides on the way to and from work. So what if I can't have the toll-free road all to myself and drive as fast as I can go without getting a ticket? So what if no one knows me by name and car plate number. So what if I can just park my car right in front of the bank or the post office and get my business done a drive away without having to pay for leaving my car out in precious uncovered space that belonged to the municipal counciul? So what if I don't have to fight for standing space at the waterfall? So what I don't get to eat some siput tarik when next I step into a seafood restaurant? So what if I have crystal clear blue ocean waiting for me to jump in just three hours fromw here I live? So what if I get to pay just RM5 for all the tap water I use all month? There is more to life than freedom of space and time.

Time to stop worrying about all that because the kind of job I will be doing and the family I will have close by will help me not to have time to even think about these things. Let alone miss them.

Pergi KK wat apa? Entah. It was a big blur. Tapi aku ingat aku pergi tengok Angels and Demons kat Growball Theatre at Centrepoint KK. Sebab? Kerana filem garapan Ron Howard ini sangat mendebarkan and it had kept me on the edge of my seat throughout the movie, unlike its predecessor, The DaVinci Code which was such a disappointment compared to the book. This time, I didn't have time to read the book yet, so that might have helped.

Again, the whole scenario happened in one night and this professor has to solve some stuff in order to save the four preferatis who were to be elected to replace the pope on his death. They were kidnapped by a man paid by someone or some organization. He kills them one by one, until the last one whom he tried to drown in the fountain. strapping him onto some upright trolley you see people use at warehouses to transport goods and to that, the kidnapper had tied on some weights. He drove his diabolical van and parked it right next to the fountain. Killed two police officers before opening the side door of the vehicle, and pushed the cardinal into the fountain to die from drowning as in the fourth element. The professor jumped in right after him but the cardinal was almost out of breath when he was finally joined by some other people who heard him yelling for help. They finally manaed to pull him out of the water. At the end of the story, he became the pope of course, because he was the last of the preferatis.

I figured out the real bad guy when he said, 'It's him, he has the gun!' with the flesh on his chest still hot and bleeding from the branding iron he himself had pressed on to. But the scene where he took to the helicopter with the anti matter and flew high up in the sky before it exploded in mid air was pretty damn dramatic if you were still in limbo on who is the baddie. Oh, he was a trained army transport pilot before he went and became a priest at the vatican.

He was trying to become the pope through the special elections so he could convert the church to science. He is one ambitious bastard.

I also found out that my friend Natalie have had her operation to correct her bite. I saw the two photos on her other blog and saw how swollen her face is. I wish I could visit, but she never invited me to her mom's place. I hope she gets well again very soon, so we can go out and catch a movie or something.

Actually, last weekend, I had planned to be in KK to take Johana on some sight-seeing. Thought it would be great fun if me, Nat and Jo can all go together. Maybe Mimi can join too because we always go to KK on weekends together lately. But Jo had to cancel sebab ada doctor's appointment katanya. Nat pun is recuperating. Since I had it already planned and memang jiwa ni senantiasa meronta-ronta nak keluar dari Lawas, I went anyway.

I had a blast! Beli itu ini begini begitu.

Oh yes. I'm not sure who reads this blog. And I am sure they know me by now that when I write in here it's not because I have any ulterior motives. Just to remind myself who I was 10 years from now.

So apa pun aku tulis sini, is for me, and I am not too worried of what you think of me, because as a person, I know even if I am never up to par to you and you and you, I have indeed grown by leaps and bounds and glad that the events in my life have lead me here.

So here goes.

Aku dengan N, is over. Don't gasp in horror! I want it to be over. Letih la. We both have very busy lives and there is someone out there better for the both of us. Bukan in terms of finances or whatnots. More on the emotional attachment level. There had been none of those with him. No pointing of fingers here. Just a fact which is not sad at all. Just a realization. Too many secrets and too much aloof nonchalance on both sides, mana boleh hidup ini benda? So, I am giving it a rest. If he decides to call, it's up to him. But going on trips with him again, I will have to think about it longer and harder before deciding.

Kucing aku, si Mimie' is such a slut. She is pregnant! AGAIN!

You see, I love cats and I adore kittens, but I am a working woman who shares a house with other not so like-minded people. I worry every time I have to travel. They will surely keep the kittens outside in the cold and eventually be killed off by dogs. I can't have anymore kittens until I am back in KL when there is always someone to take care of them when I travel. Well, in West Malaysia lah. But methinks.... Ala.... will she still be with me when the time comes for me to go back? Kalau masih dengan aku, aku akan bawa dia balik sekali kalau dapat kelulusan veterinar. Kalau tak, terpaksalah dia jadio kucing jalanan kalau takde sapa yang nak kat dia. Dia bukan purebred, just kucing kampung yang sangat manja. Kalau aku nangis, dia terus datang dekat aku. Tatau kenapa. Selalunya dia akan dok kat riba aku ni time aku menaip ke apa ke. Tapi bila aku nangis, dia terus snuggle close at my neck. Tersentuh jiwa ni taw?


Played badminton after three months of not playing. Ada friendly match dengan SMK Lawas. my opponent was good. We played as well as we could. The fact of the matter is, aku dengan partner aku tak click. Bukan salah sapa-sapa lah. Aku pun dah out of shape. Gained a few kg's and stamina pun tak bagus sangat. I don't remember the score, but we played rubber set, we lost with little difference in the score. At least larat la nak berubber setnya pun dalam gemok gemok semput ni nya ha. But at least I know my fitness level after so long not palying. Nak kena mula main balik nih!!! Jangan dibiarkan diri ni menternak badan. I bukan kerbau, ok? Nak di aqiqahkan.

Apa aku merapu malam ni? Dah lewat dah ni. Hari ini, lepas judging poetry recital, aku balik sorang sebab M dan L tak tahu aku hanya ada empat contestants je. Aku pun mana taw? Dah dok kat situ baru tau. Lepas tu mana lah pulak jadi hakim nak main smsnya kan? Ces, aku sangka pun mereka takde orang nak ditumpang petang tadi. By the time I sent them a tesxt message, they were already on the way home dengan orang lain.

Lepas tu aku drive sengsorang. Then aku bantai terlelap berpuluh kali. Sampai beberapa kali aku terasa macam ada orang keep tapping on my shoulder to wake me up just in time to avoid hitting the car ahead of me, or driving straight into the side of a winding road right into the gutter.

AKu berhenti sekejap kat tepi jalan and tried to sleep it off. Tapi macam biasa, tak pernah berjaya. So, aku drive je la dalam mengantuk tu sampai jugalah ke rumah. Masuk bilik terus tidur. Dua jam! Bagusnya!!! Tak solat asar sebab masa I woke up dah masuk Maghrib. Now dah 12.22 aku tak leh tido.

Mimie' lena kat sebelah aku dengan perutnya yang sangat besar. Dia sangat comel bila tidur. Aku ada banyak gambar dia tido.

Aku hilang kucing satu lagi. I took her drom school. She is basically white with three large dots of yellow brown and black on her spine. Dia pun sangat comel because he has an adorable air about her. I have some photos of her too. I'll usually take her home from school, play with her in my room, where she will stay the whole night and then take her back to school the next day. One day she escaped downstairs. I thought dia adalah kat rumah. Rupanya dia dah tak ada. Tah siapa amik tah tahulah. I cried when it finally sunk in. Takde lagi kucing comel temankan aku di ofis yang cavernous dan sunyi tu. Takde lagi yang nak steal the scene by sleeping in such a cute way in my handbag. Kalau dia hidup lagi, I hope she is fine. If she is not, I know she is in kitty heaven, because she had been such a good little kitty who made a lot of people happy with her antics. Especially me.

Hmmm... I'm glad W dah kemas bilik dia. I never liked that it is always so messy. But she has her issues. And she will clean up when she wants to.

I miss mom. Miss my Ame and Afan and Isya. Miss J, now that I know he's finally moved on. Typical human, me. Missing W very dearly. And missing dad. Wish you're still with us, Ayah. But I know God loves you more so you had to leave this cruel world to go be with him. Semoga ayah tenteram di sana.

Good night, everyone.

panggilan pulau

Aku d Pulau Manukan. Snorkelling. Finally berani snorkekling tanpa life jacket. Self-taught, ok? Ikan macam pelangi. The funny thing is, as I was spending the last half hour swimming on d surface, there was a bunch of little fish in a cluster that swam underneath me. Macam shelter. I was not flailing I guess.

Dah berapa tahun sejak aku bawa W ke sini. Lebih 5 tahun rasanya.

I wish you were here, baby sister.