Marriage 101 : Semanis Diabetis (Edisi Potong Leher)

Surat kepada kawan yang akan terrrrjadi bini no dua.

Assalamualaikum.

Aku cuba jawab yang terbaik aku mampu.

1. Sentiasa ingat, kita menumpang kasih suami orang. Dulu 100% kasih sayang dia dengan isteri pertama, sekarang dia bahagi2kan dengan kita. Kalau ada terlebih, terkurang, kalau boleh diabaikan, abaikan je. Jangan biar makan diri dari dalam. Dengki mendengki mmg takde tempat dalam hidup bermadu.

2. Bila ko dengki lama2 ko akan nampak semakin buruk di mata suami ko tu. Ingat, dia sayang isteri pertama dulu sebelum tahu kewujudan manusia bernama engkau. First love seseorang lelaki takkan lupa sampai mati. Inikan pula isteri pertama. Jadikan kedudukan ko sebagai yang kedua ni sebagai suatu perubahan positif yang dinanti2kan oleh dia. Suatu kelainan. Suatu pertambahan kasih sayang sedia ada dalam rumahtanggga yang dia telah bina sebelum bertemu dgn ko.

3. Kasih sayang lelaki tak dibahagi2 macam kasih sayang perempuan. Pelik... tapi itulah hakikat. Kasih sayang dia untuk ko sama banyak dengan bini pertama di awal perkahwinan ni. Kalau lebih sikit kat ko pun sebab ko bini baru. Yang baru satu hari nanti akan jadi lama. Cuma pastikan, semakin lama, semakin banyak sebab dia nak makin sayang kan ko. Bukan sebaliknya. 

4. Jangan cemburu keterlaluan. Kalau cemburu pun cuba tenangkan perasaan dan jangan confront serta-merta. Ingat, Iblis dah bersumpah nak sesatkan anak2 Adam dengan apa ua cara sekalipun. Kalau tak boleh kawal cemburu, jangan terlalu memerhatikan kemesraan mereka. Buat kerja lain. Mak yourself happy. Stick to your daily routine untuk alih pemikiran ko dari fikirkan benda tah hapa2 yang diorang buat berdua. Dia sayang dua2, jangan bagi dia sebab nak kurangkan sayang dia pada ko. Ko tetap no 2 tak kira besar mana pun DIVA ko. Kalau ko Diva la.... 

5. Keadilan tak semestinya berlaku serta-merta. Kalau hari ni dia belikan #1 hp. Mungkin 2 bulan lagi baru dia dapat belikan #2 hp. Sabar. Bagi dia masa dan ruang untuk buktikan dia suami yang baik. Jangan simpan sangsi banyak sangat. Tiada ruang untuk itu dalam hidup bermadu. 

6. Dia manusia biasa. Kalau dia buat silap, tegur dengan baik. Isteri boleh nasihat tapi tak boleh paksa suami ikut cakap kita. Masak sedap2, urut2, picit2... lepas tu baru cakap... sayang... bla bla bla ...itupun dengan suara manja dan penuh rayuan. Bukan terjerit2 macam orang meroyan kena sawan. Itu sangat tak comel dan tak seksi. 

7. Lelaki tak suka perempuan cemburu buta, mulut petir+neraka, pemalas, tak pandai berhias, tak memuja suami, tak jaga keperluan suami dan anak2, perempuan cakap tak serupa bikin, mementingkan diri sendiri, zalim, tiada simpati dan empati, kedekut, tak pandai masak, busuk hati. Semua yang tak elok tu la. Mazmumah. 

8. Apa jua yang dia lakukan kepada kita, fikirkan apa puncanya. Jangan salahkan dia semata2 kerana manusia memang tak suka disinggung. Cari punca penolakannya dan perbaiki ia supaya tak melarat jadi masalah lebih besar.

9. Jadikan kesilapan dalam rumahtangga sebelumnya sebagai pengajaran dan batu sempadan. JAngan ulangi lagi walau sekali. beza manusia baik dan manusia jahat ialah yang baik elajar dari kesilapan dan bertaubat dan tidak mengulangi kejahatan lalu.

10. Jangan segan2 mempamerkan kemesraan kamu berdua kepada anak-anak di rumah supaya anak-anak terdidik cara sebenar melayan pasangan yang dinikahi secara sah. Bukan gopren yang diangkut ke sana ke mari secara haram. Jangan jadi pasangan kuno jaman dulu2. 
Komunikasi? ZERO. Bini? ABDI. Laki? BOSS.

Do not perpetuate the mistakes of our uninformed predecessors when it comes to relationships of the married kind. 

11. La Tahzan. Allah sentiasa bersama kita. 
Percayalah, cinta hanya akan mengkaburkan matanya sekejap cuma. Ikhlas, jujur, teluslah mengasihi dia. Kalau bukan hari ini dia dapat balas, doakan agar sauatu hari nanti, dia akan nampak dan terasa nikmat tak terhingga dikasihi wanita seperti diri kamu, maka dia rasa terpanggil untuk membalas kasih sayang itu berlipat kali ganda lagi. Tapi, berikan dia masa. Doakan dia. Mahu tak mahu, kita terima hakikat, macamana kita menduga dia, dia juga menguji kita dengan cara dia yang tersendiri. Ikhlas, sabar, redha dan tawakkal.... serahkan segalanya kepada Allah. Percayalah, Allah tak aniaya hambaNya.

Ingat, kalau apa yang ada di rumah lebih hebat dari apa yang ada di luar, buat apa lelaki baik yang waras nak terus mencari makan di luar. Ikhtiarkan agar kesihatan kewanitaan kita sentiasa terpelihara. Melabur sikit untuk beli supplement utama, multivitamin lengkap (aku cadangkan Double X dari Amway) untuk kekal cergas bertenaga, Omega 3, 5 dan 8, Jamu Susuk Dara untuk menjamin kehangatan intim berpanjangan (kalau seks tak penting kenapa rumah urut dan pelacuran berleluasa), banyak2 membaca, dari segi ilmu rumahtangga hinggalah ilmu masakan dan keibubapaan. 

Solat 5 waktu jangan sesekali tinggal. Layan Allah secara first class, maka, kita pun dapat layan first class dari Allah.

Ingat, Allah maha pengasih dan maha penyayang. Segala yang baik dan buruk yang berlaku adalah ujian. Adakah bahagia buat kau leka, atau derita buat kau lupa. 

Suami aku duda anak dua. Masa kami nikah dia masih duda. Aku yang suruh dia rujuk semula sebab anak dia dengan orang tu ada 2. Mak dia dah 40. Kalau mak dia kawen dengan lelaki jahat, aku takut anak dara dia pulak kena kerjakan. Aku tak nak kerana aku tamak kasih sayang suami aku, anak saudara sesama Islam jadi bohsia. Tamak dan hasad dengki buangkan jauh2 ke laut. OK?

Tapi last2 dalam banyak kurang dan pincangnya aku, berkat doa orang teraniaya (memang aku teraniaya) akhirnya terserlahlah siapa diri sebenar jandanya tu. Siap dia sendiri tengok dengan mata kepala dia. Maka rumah tak jadi buat, kereta diambil, anak lelaki umur 7 tahun dia bawak balik. Janda dia saman, kami pergi court, anak dia pilih nak ikut kami. Allah maha adil.... keadilannya tak berlaku sehari dua. Dua tahun setengah aku terseksa nak selamatkan dia kunun, sampai niat baik aku makan diri tau? Last2 Allah tak izinkan juga. 

Aku tetap satu2nya isteri dia buat masa ni, dan kalau dia nak tambah lagi, boleh, tapi aku nak balik KL. Aku pun tak nak share sebab aku tahu suami aku bukan suami mithali dan aku dah terima hakikat ini. Daripada menyeksa diri dan dia yangaku kasihi, baik aku undur diri. Kat KL lagi ramai kumbang. Bujang? Laki orang? Pilih je! Cewah! 

Aku boleh on/off perasaan macam suis lampu. Jangan jadi macam aku. Kesian laki ko kalau dia betul2 ikhlas nak sayang and jaga ko. 

Sentiasa senyum, Sentiasa bersolek (ringan, naik seri je, bukan buat opera cina) Pakaian kemas dan menarik, sentiasa wangiiiiii... jangan ada bau kari dan hamis. Ew! Wanita mesti jadi bidadari dunia dia. Dan jadilah sumber inspirasi buat dia jadi manusia yang ingin jadi lebih baik demi diri ko dan anak2. Lelaki ni simple je. Dua je benda kena jaga tip top; LAPAR NASI DAN LAPAR PUSSY. Yang lain2 tu orang gaji boleh buat. Ko jaga body ko je. Kalau tak pandai bercakap macam aku (uiyo!) jangan membebel. Lelaki BENCI perempuan membebel. Daripada duduk rumah bini baru yang garang macam singa beranak kecik, baik aku balik rumah bini tua yang sentimental dan tau selera aku. Betul tak?

Jadilah manusia/isteri yang dia perlu. Bukan yang dia nak. Kalau nak, esok lusa mungkin dia tak nak dah. Kalau perlu, sampai mati tak boleh tidak.

Ingat, no 2 tetap no 2. Jangan berangan nak jadi ratu hati dia sorang2. Tumpang kasih suami orang.... kena sedar diri sangat2 dan sentiasa pastikan diri TIP TOP. Kalau apa yang ko ada lagoi teruk dari apa yang bini #1 ada, wat apa dia nak kawen dengan ko? Right?

Lelaki... jangan ingat mereka tu gagah mereka tak manja. Kadang2 lelaki terlebih2 manja dari isteri sampai isteri yang tak faham, anggap lelaki ni selfish. Sebenarnya mereka tak tahu macamana nak minta dimanjakan, sebab tak logik lelaki gagah ni manja, dan kita wanitalah yang patutnya dimanjakan. Bertuah la kalau ko dapat lelaki gentlemen. Tapi kebanyakkan yang aku tengok, lelaki Malaysia ni salah didikan emak bapak pun banyak.... dah terbalik. Penuhi segala keperluan dia; makan, pakai, zahir, batin.

Kenapa anak lelaki rapat dengan emaknya sampai mati? Sebab emaknyalah sumber kasih sayang tak bersyarat yang pertama dalam hidupnya. Bersedialah untuk jadi hebat seakan-akan ibunya kalau ko mahu kasih sayang yang sama dari dia. 

Jangan jadi hipokrit. Depan dia lain, belakang dia lain. Kalau dia tak nampak pun orang boleh cerita kat dia. 

Banyaaaaak benda kena ko korbankan. Itu sebab perempuan isteri solehah senaaaaaang sangat nak masuk syurga. Sebab banyak sangat dia korbankan untuk manusia bernama suami demi meraih keredhaan Ilahi.

Setakat ni je tazkirah rumahtangga semanis gula nira kita petang ni. Apa lagi ko nak tanya? Kut aku terlupa apa2 tanya je lah. Any time.

Yang elok dari Allah.
Yang buruk dari aku. 

Wallahualambissawab.

oleh itu...

Nak tahu?

Setelah setahun lebih mendirikan rumahtangga, banyak benar onak dan duri telah aku lalui bersamanya. Banyak keinginannya yang aku tak suka, tapi aku diamkan saja. Bukan sebab aku lemah atau dah berputus asa, sebab aku tahu Allah maha berkuasa. Sekuat mana pun dia berdoa untuk sesuatu, andainya ianya bakal memudaratkan dirinya, pasti Allah tidak akan memakbulkannya. Lagipun di awal perkahwinan dah aku nyatakan apa yang aku tak suka dan apa yang aku izinkan. Baik cara baik, mahupun cara kasar. 

Selama ini, aku selalu bertengkar dengan dia tentang banyak perkara.Terutamanya berkaitan tentang perbelanjaan dan tentang perempuan itu. Namun, akhir-akhir ini, ku rasakan tak ada maknanya terus menghukum dia kerana sememangnya cara dia dibesarkan menjadikan dia agak jahil tentang beberapa perkara. Lagipun, sebagai isteri, mahu tak mahu, aku kena sedar, pendekatan yang aku guna dengan dia selama ini tidak berkesan, maka andai aku inginkan perubahan dalam dirinya, aku juga mesti berubah menjadi wanita idamannya. Tidak lupa juga, aku hanya berserah kepada Ilahi. Aku tahu, hati dan jiwanya milik Allah. Siapalah aku, hamba Allah yang lemah dan banyak kekurangan ni, nak mengubah dirinya ikut citarasa aku, dalam jangkawaktu yang aku tetapkan. 

Maka aku bermohon, Ya Allah, sesungguhnya Kau maha mengetahui lagi maha mengasihani, maka aku serahkan segalanya kepada ketentuanMu, ya Allah. Andainya aku teraniaya, maka serlahkanlah yang hak, dan berikanlah petunjuk kepada yang memerlukan. Tenangkan jiwaku dan berikan aku dan mereka petanda. 

Hatiku robek ketika itu. Bisikan Iblis mendorong aku berfikiran yang bukan-bukan. Pandangan orang membuatkan aku tambah serong. Tapi aku masih ingat Allah dan zatnya. Aku ingat betapa aku bermohon untuk jodoh yang baik lagi membaikkan, tak kira dalam apa jua pakej sekalipun. Aku redha dan pasrah, ku tarik nafas panjang-panjang... ku bayangkan aku terjun dari tebing yang tinggi; simbolik penyerahan diri kepada kuasa Allah. 

Malam Jumaat lepas, perempuan yang sekian lama menjadi onak dalam hidupku kantoi dengan lelaki lain. Dalam rumah yang suami aku belikan untuk dia, dan atas kerelaanku, bakal dibesarkan demi dia dan anak-anak.

So, cancel bina extension rumah. Kereta diambil. Anak lelaki bongsu pun akan diambil. Duit sara anak perempuan akan dimasuk terus ke akaun anak perempuan. Anak lelakinya yang bongsu juga makin rapat dengan daddynya dan aku dan bila-bila saja ingin berpindah tinggal dengan kami, bersekolah di Lawas.

Pada malam akhir sebelum dia ke Semenanjung, dia mohon adik dihantar ke rumahnya untuk malam terakhir sebelum dia berpergian selama sebulan. Dari pagi sampai petang adik resah gelisah. Sampai di depan rumah, adik mengamuk dalam kereta macam orang kena sawan. Dia akhirnya turun dari rumah untuk memujuk. Dia juga diterajang adik. Aku tak mahu adik jadi begitu. Tapi dia juga kecewa mungkin kerana malam semalam dia tidak membuka pintu bila adik hadir di depan pintu. Dia halau aku, dan dengan itu, menghalau adik juga.

Ambillah apa yang bukan hak kamu, maka bila hak kamu dirampas, jangan pula terpinga-pinga. 

Aku? Tetap aku. Tetap ceria. Tetap bersyukur. 

Berapa ribu pun kawan-kawan kamu menyokong kemungkaran kamu di Facebook, tetap tiada satu pun di kalangan mereka berkuasa menghalang perintah Allah Taala. 

not having pms, but talking about it anyway.

I hate women who cannot control their PMS and gives everyone a hard time.

No excuse can make being mean to other people, OK.

You're not the only one having the GD thing. Deal with it.

Be nice.

(I am saying this to myself. The threat of being mean on PMS is a clear and present danger that had always been successfully averted)

And I realise something else.

Him being away for so long, makes me happier. Livelier.

Maybe I am better in a long-distance relationship. Maybe.

Just wish I was not pulled into all this mess of his making. But I am happy.

weighty problems

During breakfast the other day, The School Counselor remarked that I do not look like I have problems.

Wow...

Had I been extremely successful in hiding my daily frustrations that she thinks that I am as carefree as I once used to be?

We walk pass by each other every other day. Sometimes we even sit down together for breakfast. If there'd not been a discussion of school projects, then that would have been it. Working and talking takes my mind off of personal crap. I was probably happy when I am around people and having my mind taken off of the other crap that is happening in my life at the moment.

The other day, I weighed myself early in the morning, the normal time that I weigh myself every once in a while. The scale recorded 100.5kg.

For a person who eats when she is troubled, does that show that I had been happy with how everything is these past year? The weight does not just decide to jump onto my ass and my thighs and show up on the scale over a fortnight. Normal weight for me, is 96, give or take. It does not exceed 96kg when I am contented with everything. Little quantities of food will always sate my colossal appetite.

That had not been the case, especially lately.

I remember having two plates of rice with some fish and lots of greens, one after the other, just sitting there in the sofa, in front of the tv, watching a movie. And I can down a whole gallon of water as I stuff the food into my face. That was dinner for a few nights. I was still hungry. I felt that stopping the act of eating, means I have to get back to reality. Nothing will keep on going down my throat to fill that imaginary void. Breakfast and lunch are two other huge meals I'd have throughout the day.

But some days I'd skip a meal. Mainly because I feel numb. Sleep would be more appealing. So I sleep all day, Saturdays and Sundays when I have nothing planned.

Exercise? I used to play badminton 3 times a week. I used to brisk walk a lot. I used to... Not anymore. Am contemplating yoga. Zizie Ezette became leaner after she got married by doing hot yoga. Since I'm already so very HOT, I'll just try  the yoga.

The other day, one of our suppliers called. The check we issued is two months overdue. It was some conversation. A lot of yelling from the both of us. I totally understand his situation, and trust is a big issue when it comes to promised payment and it being overdue. And yet the crisis was averted by me making an arrangement that I proposed and agreed upon the next day.

Don't ever scare your supplier by not answering their phone calls. The same thing goes for banks and creditors. They have records of your payments. If it had been maintained steadily for the past years, any changes in recent months, they will still give you some leeway by making adjustments to the amount that you can afford to pay them back, as long as the payment is made.

In the end, when worst comes to worst, there is always AKPK! :-)

(Boy are they gonna be disappointed when they do a search for AKPK and my blog comes up and they end up reading my bullsh*t. LOL)

Anyways, one can only be depressed for so long... eventually, if you're not the typical psychiatric patient, your hormones are bound to bounce back to its normal levels, and you will emerge from it. You will just have to be strong enough to ride it out.

It had not been a fun ride. I do not wish it on anyone. But if going through it makes me even stronger and wiser, then I'm all for it.

The problems are mostly finances. Money had never made me worry. All that matters to me are finding solutions to overcome the crisis. Worrying over money is pointless.

I'm also taking some herbs that elevates the hormones. Some mineral coffee once in  the morning every day. And this nano technology cream on my pulse points. Been using it for the past three weeks, and now I don't remember having felt as energetic and contented as I am today. The causes of my depression is still present. But it seems that they do not stress me out as much anymore. I don't even feel the need to fuss over evil thoughts that keeps emerging in my head. They do not matter anymore to me. All that matters is to stay alive during this darkness in our lives. Staying afloat. To keep breathing.

And if that's enough to keep me going, and happy with where I am in my life now, that to me, is another one of Allah's great miracles. Thank you, Allah! I love you, Allah!

the norm it is not.

I keep forgetting. 

I keep forgetting a lot of things lately.

Especially the part where Facebook is not supposed to be an online diary for all to see.

Some damage has been done. And every time I made those stupid entries, it felt almost like... I don't know. I  have never been drunk, but it was sort of like a drunken stupor, when you drink all that alcohol just to numb the pain? And when you wake up the next day, it will all come back to you, like boulders tumbling off a cliff right on top of your head.

I think I have made only one entry in there alluding to my frustrations. Then I deleted it. After having had some people commenting on it and also a kakak telling me not to do something so stupid. I poured my heart out to her. And she was right. I am the only person who knows his worth. She cannot make a fair judgement of the whole situation. As a friend, all she could tell me that night was to hang on. Keep holding on to the dream. Only time will tell. Time will heal. And time will reveal everything. I will have to be patient. That's all. 

I just don't see it as a really baaaaaad thing, though. I have toned everything down a lot. Most days there would just be an overload of stuff I'd have pilfered from other pages. Inspirational stuff mostly. Probably because... Yes, I am hurting inside. Hurting inside like a mofo. 

However, lately, after 6 weeks.... yes, he has been gone that long. And I am not gonna make excuses for him. He's just away. And I am getting used to him being away this long. And I am quite happy to say that him  not being around gave a me a LOT of space to be myself again. I should have put in way more than I have so far while he is away. Is it bad to say that one actually enjoys having one's other half being away so much?

It's not complicated at all. He's a handful. But now he is away. That took off a lot off of my hands. 

Oh yeah.... It has been almost two years since I last made a post in here.

Facebook got in the way. 

Damn you, Facebook. Hah!

That guy I talked about in the last entry? I married him. 

Been a year, last March 19th! And what a surreal year it had been.

I wish I was on some kind of drug throughout the year because it had been PAINFUL.

Spent 12 years on my own, minding my own business. All of a sudden, he came into the picture, like a typhoon that swept me off whatever I was standing up on, and made it necessary that I spend the rest of my life with him. Talk about good marketing!

And now that I am married, people are asking me, when am I gonna get pregnant? It seems to me that so many women are having trouble getting pregnant, while others can just get pregnant at a drop of a hat. Just like that. I am not one of those women. Naturally, people keep asking and asking and asking. And some even have the guts to say that I am not trying hard enough to keep my man by not getting pregnant. 

Excuse me, who made you God?

One thing I know, kids are not the things that will help me keep my man. He loves kids. But he does not necessarily get attached to the mother of his children. Well, at least not in his earlier marriages.

GASP!

What can I say? I effing LOVE him, but that's the way it is with him and I am not necessarily angry and deeply saddened by this fact about him. 

Why, you ask?

If he wants to stay, he will. If he doesn't, so what?

Do you want me to kill myself if ever he decides to go? No, please don't tell me you do. Because I really do hope that some of the people who reads this blog really knows me and that I am not that type of person. 

Look, I have gone through all of the spectrum of human emotions. Since the beginning of the relationship, till this day, I still do not see the reason behind my decisions when it involves him. However, I am not blaming anyone on this. Nor am I making excuses for him, let alone for myself. This is just the way it is between us. There had not been a written rule or a signed agreement anywhere. It is just a conclusion that I have come to, thus far, in the relationship.

I am guessing that people are assuming that I am unhappy with the whole situation. Hah!

If I am, wouldn't I have left a long time ago? 

In a strange way, I am happy. He's been away, but he is doing his best. There had been improvements in everything. The thing is, I am done with getting excited over little things. So, I will motivate and inspire. Beyond that, it is up to him, really. 

He is the typical ... guy. He's not the new-age type of guy who knows exactly what to say to make me feel better about everything nor is he a romantic. But he is trying. He is never going to be the kind of guy I keep seeing in movies and he will never do the quirky little things that I love doing for him (which I have quit doing because he doesn't get it). 

Nope. I am not blessed with those things. He's incapable of those little things that makes a man more appealing to a wife. He is appealing to other women out there, no doubt. They think he has a lot of money and yes, he is charming. If he wasn't, he would not have been married to five different women before we got married. 

Another GASP.

Seriously. It's nothing extraordinary. That is his life's story. And he is the challenge that I have probably been waiting for all my life. 

Oh no, I did not steal him from anyone. He was newly single. He was very sad over his last divorce. But he's just being himself. It took him a while for him to get over it. I was leaving. I couldn't be with him even if I wanted to. But as the date of my departure grew closer, he panicked. 

He panicked. 

I once promised myself, when I get to 35, I will forget about settling down. I will just be happy on my own. Travel. Eat a lot. And have lots of cats. 

Lo and behold, at 34.5, he came flying through the glass door, crashing into the opposite wall. As he rose from the shards of glass and dust, he patted the dust off of his clothes, and as he raised his gaze, he saw me. He smiled and we had been together ever since. 

Well, I am just saving the story of our meeting for another day actually. But that's just how it was. He was a force of nature. You can's say No to a tornado. That was what he was and still is; a strong whirlwind that comes into your life, whizzes by and leaves behind destruction and mayhem. He'll suck you up, spin you around and spit you out.

Boy, what a way of describing the guy you married, you might think. Actually, if you knew him and his personality, the real him, you will agree with me.

On a more sober note though, a colleague of mine quipped that I wouldn't be able to feel as happy and contented with anyone but him. Because he challenges all my abilities as an educator. As a woman. As a wife. 

She's right. For all the things that he is, I would not trade him for the world. My love, like my love for my family, and the other things in my life that I do devote my life to, is ironically, a one way ticket. There is no looking back once I have decided on something. I have decided on this, this is the road that I am taking, whether you like it or not. 

It had never been the typical relationship. Our marriage was not either. But things have mellowed down. We have found our rhythm. At least, for me, this being my first marriage, is a perfect test in human endurance. Do I have the makings of an iron lady who can caress with the gentleness of goose down? I am not the manipulative kind. Nor am I the type who can make men do her bidding with just a smile and batting eyelids. At least, whatever my motives are, only the Almighty knows that I am not doing this for personal gains. He's practically penniless when we met. He's doing better now. But we're going through yet another rough patch at the time I am writing this. I am doing everything in my power to keep us afloat. It's hard, but we're coping. 

We had such bumpy beginnings. It was horrible. I'll spare you the details. But there are rumors out there that I married a loser. Gossip, it didn't kill me 10 years ago. It won't kill me today. And as I am the only legal judge sane enough to be able to make the evaluation, yes, I think it is worth it. 

Since I am old enough not to base the successes and failures of my relationship on others' relationships, I think I do know my way around. Thanks to my mother. And my father, of course. I have seen enough of their relationship to know that I have the strength and willingness to go the distance.

As for him. I can only laugh a little  from time to time because he has no idea what kind of woman he has gotten himself involved with this time. 

I mean that in a good way. 

I am not giving him a way out. Just a freedom to stay or go. And solutions to all the demons that keeps haunting him to this day. 

Do I love him? Of course. Does he love me? In his strange way, probably. 

Am I happy? Can't answer that fairly. But am I happier than I was earlier in the marriage? Definitely. 

The success of a marriage does not lie solely on love. At least not mine. If it is hard to understand, let me remind you, that I am not asking for anyone's understanding or permission, even. Just leave me to fight my own battles on my own. I am woman enough. 

No... no man will have the time and energy for this. 

If he feels we are worth the effort, he'll be here. If he doesn't? His loss.

forever

This year is better for me, definitely. Especially when it comes to friends.

This year I have been brought closer to people whom I really appreciate having in my life. They make life worth living again. In Lawas, that is.

Last year, I came to know Nurul and Yo. They prove to be great people to have in good times and bad. And when the fun begins, it's always the best. Then earlier this year, Ain came in and joined us at this house. Last but not at all the least, Anim too eventually came to stay.

Then, there was Safri. I know, he's just a fling. At least for me he is. He's funny, charming, patient, and he likes having conversations with me. Most of the time he talks, but that's just fine, because I enjoy listening to his life's stories. He is way more interesting than I am and I have ran out of stories to tell. So I am quite content being the one listening, for the first time in my life, I have met a guy who is more interesting than myself. That just goes to show that I don't meet men much. Hahaha....

And then, there was Sapri. He's hilarious. He has a motormouth that does not stop talking especially when he's excited or nervous, I guess. Like me when I was younger. But he is such a people pleaser, he never says anything hurtful. He is just that kind of nice. First thing he ever complimented me was that he can't believe that I was 34. He thought I was 24. Gosh, if I was that kind of conceited, I would have believed him.

So, I do wish that they can read this. I just wanna tell them that although I don't tell them how much I do appreciate them being in my life as my departure draws closer, I want them to know that no matter where I'll be, they will always be in my heart, for they are the reasons that have restored my faith in friends.

Terima kasih kerana mengingatkan akak betapa berharganya persahabatan. Semoga kalian berjaya dan terus makmur di dalam apa jua bidang yang kalian ceburi. Ya Allah, panjangkanlah umur dan murahkanlah rezeki mereka. Limpahkanlah rahmatmu ke atas mereka. Amin.

love, interrupted

Feeling awesome.

First day I get to fast. Because I have not been able to since day one. Woke up pretty early, slept pretty late, maybe I am getting old. But sleep is always a blissful sound one each and every night. Just shorter than it used to when I was younger.

So, what's new? Nothing...

Had a nice iftar with Nurul, Anem, Sapri, Yo and my current 'man of interest' Safri. I cooked ketam masak lemak cili api, mixed veggies and Sapri made Pucuk paku tumis belacan. There were sugar cane juice, coconut water, and ice cream soda and lincheekang for him. Pears and oranges and apples and also durian, which was courtesy of him.

We had some really nice conversation. Great huge laughters and some pretty darn things have been said.... the best one being, haa tu durian kucing tidur.... and soon after that Sapri went, ha, ini durian anjing berjimak to which everybody laughed out so hard. He's so funny that way. You'll never expect what comes out of his mouth.

Thinking of making sambal udangfor iftar tonight.

Had such a great time, I wished it would last the whole night.

But Safri is always quiet when he's out with my friends. Maybe he's shy or maybe he's trying to reassure my friends that kakak besar mereka ni is not dating the wrong person, despite the things they have heard about him, which, mostly are true. He's told me everything. But he does make conversation and laughed along with us. He made enough eye contact with my friends not to make them suspicious. He made his best effort to look at me with that look of love. Contrary to his personality when he is with his friends. He's much more out-spoken and funnier too. He's always funny and he teases people a lot. And hyperactive. Hate that about him. Because he never sits still, even at the dinner table. Darn him.

But Nurul and Anem spent time talking to him on the jetty at Haji Latif's house in Kuala Lawas barely three weeks ago, after I went to bed, after the bbq dinner and the cleaning up. He asked them a lot of things about me. And Nurul told me that from that conversation, she knew he wanted to have something more with me.

But I am too jaded to believe her. To me, it's just infatuation. Boys and their new toys. They always have this gleam in their eyes when they are opening the box and taking the toy out of the box for the first time. He's probably having that 'new toy' episode with me that time.

And I am not wrong in assuming that. He's since made efforts and hinted on more things to come. But he's exactly like my dad. The type I am really trying to avoid. Although I am highly attracted to needy guys like him, I know in my mind that I will not be able to live a long and contented happy life with a man as needy as him. He's just another big baby, and a spoiled one at that, who needs my company and constant attention.

He's made plans and he see a future with me. He tells me his plans. They're not to my liking, though.... :-) no offence, but he's funny if he thinks I'll be happy with what he has in mind. But he's working on it, I'm sure.

I like him. Very much. There is definitely sayang, but not in love with him yet. Probably never. Keeping my mind intact. Keeping my sanity from fleeing me. Keeping my heart where it belongs; with me. Because the inevitable will eventually happen.

When it does, I have no one to blame for for my broken heart but myself. If I am not careful.

Being very careful. Very careful.

Inevitably, as a convert, your ex needs your guidance more than I do. While I do hope that there is something for you and I in the end, my logic tells me to prepare for the worst. If I seem aloof and unaffected by you, it's just me protecting myself. I can't leave Lawas and keep my sanity when a big chunk of my heart remains here with you.

Poyo, undoubtedly. But that's what I told him on sms yesterday.

I wish, I wish, Oh how I wish, but I don't see a future with him, being the playboy that he is. Can't believe that I am that woman who is attracted to bad boys. I thought that only happens to other people and not me. But now see who's getting excited by the bad boy of Kuching? Li'l ole me....

Some people say, with my personality, I will have a better chance at snagging a man and settling down once I move back home. I am still learning to believe that. I hope so. But if not, I'd be happy to be on my own and sort out my life alone.

It's just the many ironies of my life, the way I see it. I spent the last eleven years of my life in this town, thinking and wondering whether I would meet my soulmate here. But nobody dared to approach me. None whatsoever! And now, when I am leaving, a guy brave enough to say something to me comes along. And he came along with a lot of baggage. Begging for my understanding, cherishing my company. Surely this is frightening all of the people who are close to me. But seriously, they need not have worried. I am old enough to know when I am in serious trouble. One is now preaching to me about the sanctity of a relationship in our faith by constantly tagging me to her articles on Facebook. That is so damned IRRITATING. I am just inches away from telling her to just shove it up her ass already. Acting so high and mighty when she cries non-stop every night. Every night, okay? Who's life need sorting out, really? Do you see me crying every night over petty things? I do not take every single details in life with the same amount of seriousness anymore. I am indeed able to live my life more than she does. I hope when she gets older, she will realize that not everything is worth shedding tears over.

Seriously she is a nice gal, but really, and I really really do not want to hurt her feelings because she is a housemate of mine. There is no use hurting her feelings when her intentions were purely innocent. She is trying to save me from making mistakes that would make me hate myself later. I think. And I believe, she is doing it the best way she thinks she knows how.

But still, as the person that she is directing her concern on, I am getting more and more irritated. Still, she is not the bad guy in this situation. I am just being a very stubborn girl. Like a hardheaded teenager.

Actually, I want to laugh at her efforts. All this preaching about keberkatan and ketulusan of a relationship in the faith, she is acting like I am HOPING for a marriage in this relationship. I am not. It's just a fling. He'll eventually go back to his ex-wife, who is a convert. Obviously, she needs him more that I do. Besides, if I took him home to see my mom and and my family, would you honestly think that they would be happy to accept him into the family given the baggage and the reputation he came with? I seriously doubt that my mother would think that I am sane in thinking that they would accept him. I might even get disowned. And most probably, she'd say, "Dah takde jantan lain kat dunia ni, ke Lynette?" Which would make her right again. As always.

So, perhaps it would hurt his feelings if he reads this post and realize that to me, despite the things I say to him, the feelings I have for him, is not a permanent thing, like I said, just a fling. But a girl has to do what a girl has to do and that means protecting herself by any means possible. That includes being a bitch about it. But at least, I am not lying to him in mentioning over and over again that we'll be history once I leave.

Am I not saddened by this? To have yearned for love only to find it in him? Hey, he's a player. He's got skills. I am totally aware of this fact, therefore, although I am once again brimming with enthusiasm and life, I am not swept away by his charms. Just enough to keep me high-spirited. But not enough to get my head so high up in the clouds.

It's complicated. But it's what one makes of it, like most things. To me, it's not. But to outsiders who feels that it is their obligation to burden themselves with my concerns, it's really bad because I am at risk of hurting myself. Seriously people! I'm not 17 anymore! Time to let loose and live, already!

About time you learn to let go of the people who are not asking you to worry about them. And although they may not look like they know what they are doing, how would you know? You're not there in their place. It's hard, but you will have to learn to trust people for their ability in making the best judgment. We're born to learn from our mistakes. I think I have made enough to learn enough.

If there is one good thing, make that two good things about him that I can say is that he is patient with me and he had always been respectful of me. He never raised his voice to me, despite the fact that I can be a rather infuriating person to be with sometimes. Yes, I test people. And sometimes, to their limits. I have not tested him to his limits yet. I might. We'll see.

So, saya sayang dia. But that is all there is to it. We enjoy each other's company. We look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day. And we talk on the phone regularly every day and evening before bed. It's a relationship, albeit a non-conventional one. But it's working just nice for him and I, so why worry about it?

One thing is for sure though, I love him enough to want him to be happy, with or without me. He's a bad boy trying to make right. Doing his best to make amends. And I think, I am the only one who believes him. Or fooled by him, whichever way you like to see it. At least I can tell him honestly that I do believe him and he will make that transition eventually, when he's ready. At least he's stopped smoking since we started dating.

The first night we went out, he took me to a party. I felt so out of place with so many people staring at me and Nurul. But he stuck close. So I felt safe. Then he took me to his uncle's house for a bbq party. He'd probably take me to his family's house if they were closer. But he's had practice before, so I don't see anything special in that. He is just that brash... or brave. Whichever you wanna call it. I just like the fact that he's not scared of anything.

And the last time we went out, we went to his friend's house, to see his ailing grandmother. Ziarah orang sakit. He told his friend there who flew in from Kuching that I am indeed his current flame. And when asked when is the marriage, he'd smile that Chesire cat smile he has and he'll say, after umrah, we'll see.

At least he never lied to me about the fact that he is torn between settling down with me for good, or go back to his merciless convert ex-wife with the mouth of a dirty gutter. He hurts his feelings so much with her words, but when a man loves a woman...

And he introduces me to everyone he sees as his girlfriend. But like I said, I'm jaded, I always look at him with that skeptical look in my face whenever he tells me that he told people that he's seeing someone.

Sure, I might get carried away, it's a nice feeling I have in my gut at the moment. But will you ever see me cry every night over it? Definitely not.

Because big girls don't cry. Surely.