weighty problems

During breakfast the other day, The School Counselor remarked that I do not look like I have problems.

Wow...

Had I been extremely successful in hiding my daily frustrations that she thinks that I am as carefree as I once used to be?

We walk pass by each other every other day. Sometimes we even sit down together for breakfast. If there'd not been a discussion of school projects, then that would have been it. Working and talking takes my mind off of personal crap. I was probably happy when I am around people and having my mind taken off of the other crap that is happening in my life at the moment.

The other day, I weighed myself early in the morning, the normal time that I weigh myself every once in a while. The scale recorded 100.5kg.

For a person who eats when she is troubled, does that show that I had been happy with how everything is these past year? The weight does not just decide to jump onto my ass and my thighs and show up on the scale over a fortnight. Normal weight for me, is 96, give or take. It does not exceed 96kg when I am contented with everything. Little quantities of food will always sate my colossal appetite.

That had not been the case, especially lately.

I remember having two plates of rice with some fish and lots of greens, one after the other, just sitting there in the sofa, in front of the tv, watching a movie. And I can down a whole gallon of water as I stuff the food into my face. That was dinner for a few nights. I was still hungry. I felt that stopping the act of eating, means I have to get back to reality. Nothing will keep on going down my throat to fill that imaginary void. Breakfast and lunch are two other huge meals I'd have throughout the day.

But some days I'd skip a meal. Mainly because I feel numb. Sleep would be more appealing. So I sleep all day, Saturdays and Sundays when I have nothing planned.

Exercise? I used to play badminton 3 times a week. I used to brisk walk a lot. I used to... Not anymore. Am contemplating yoga. Zizie Ezette became leaner after she got married by doing hot yoga. Since I'm already so very HOT, I'll just try  the yoga.

The other day, one of our suppliers called. The check we issued is two months overdue. It was some conversation. A lot of yelling from the both of us. I totally understand his situation, and trust is a big issue when it comes to promised payment and it being overdue. And yet the crisis was averted by me making an arrangement that I proposed and agreed upon the next day.

Don't ever scare your supplier by not answering their phone calls. The same thing goes for banks and creditors. They have records of your payments. If it had been maintained steadily for the past years, any changes in recent months, they will still give you some leeway by making adjustments to the amount that you can afford to pay them back, as long as the payment is made.

In the end, when worst comes to worst, there is always AKPK! :-)

(Boy are they gonna be disappointed when they do a search for AKPK and my blog comes up and they end up reading my bullsh*t. LOL)

Anyways, one can only be depressed for so long... eventually, if you're not the typical psychiatric patient, your hormones are bound to bounce back to its normal levels, and you will emerge from it. You will just have to be strong enough to ride it out.

It had not been a fun ride. I do not wish it on anyone. But if going through it makes me even stronger and wiser, then I'm all for it.

The problems are mostly finances. Money had never made me worry. All that matters to me are finding solutions to overcome the crisis. Worrying over money is pointless.

I'm also taking some herbs that elevates the hormones. Some mineral coffee once in  the morning every day. And this nano technology cream on my pulse points. Been using it for the past three weeks, and now I don't remember having felt as energetic and contented as I am today. The causes of my depression is still present. But it seems that they do not stress me out as much anymore. I don't even feel the need to fuss over evil thoughts that keeps emerging in my head. They do not matter anymore to me. All that matters is to stay alive during this darkness in our lives. Staying afloat. To keep breathing.

And if that's enough to keep me going, and happy with where I am in my life now, that to me, is another one of Allah's great miracles. Thank you, Allah! I love you, Allah!