love, interrupted

Feeling awesome.

First day I get to fast. Because I have not been able to since day one. Woke up pretty early, slept pretty late, maybe I am getting old. But sleep is always a blissful sound one each and every night. Just shorter than it used to when I was younger.

So, what's new? Nothing...

Had a nice iftar with Nurul, Anem, Sapri, Yo and my current 'man of interest' Safri. I cooked ketam masak lemak cili api, mixed veggies and Sapri made Pucuk paku tumis belacan. There were sugar cane juice, coconut water, and ice cream soda and lincheekang for him. Pears and oranges and apples and also durian, which was courtesy of him.

We had some really nice conversation. Great huge laughters and some pretty darn things have been said.... the best one being, haa tu durian kucing tidur.... and soon after that Sapri went, ha, ini durian anjing berjimak to which everybody laughed out so hard. He's so funny that way. You'll never expect what comes out of his mouth.

Thinking of making sambal udangfor iftar tonight.

Had such a great time, I wished it would last the whole night.

But Safri is always quiet when he's out with my friends. Maybe he's shy or maybe he's trying to reassure my friends that kakak besar mereka ni is not dating the wrong person, despite the things they have heard about him, which, mostly are true. He's told me everything. But he does make conversation and laughed along with us. He made enough eye contact with my friends not to make them suspicious. He made his best effort to look at me with that look of love. Contrary to his personality when he is with his friends. He's much more out-spoken and funnier too. He's always funny and he teases people a lot. And hyperactive. Hate that about him. Because he never sits still, even at the dinner table. Darn him.

But Nurul and Anem spent time talking to him on the jetty at Haji Latif's house in Kuala Lawas barely three weeks ago, after I went to bed, after the bbq dinner and the cleaning up. He asked them a lot of things about me. And Nurul told me that from that conversation, she knew he wanted to have something more with me.

But I am too jaded to believe her. To me, it's just infatuation. Boys and their new toys. They always have this gleam in their eyes when they are opening the box and taking the toy out of the box for the first time. He's probably having that 'new toy' episode with me that time.

And I am not wrong in assuming that. He's since made efforts and hinted on more things to come. But he's exactly like my dad. The type I am really trying to avoid. Although I am highly attracted to needy guys like him, I know in my mind that I will not be able to live a long and contented happy life with a man as needy as him. He's just another big baby, and a spoiled one at that, who needs my company and constant attention.

He's made plans and he see a future with me. He tells me his plans. They're not to my liking, though.... :-) no offence, but he's funny if he thinks I'll be happy with what he has in mind. But he's working on it, I'm sure.

I like him. Very much. There is definitely sayang, but not in love with him yet. Probably never. Keeping my mind intact. Keeping my sanity from fleeing me. Keeping my heart where it belongs; with me. Because the inevitable will eventually happen.

When it does, I have no one to blame for for my broken heart but myself. If I am not careful.

Being very careful. Very careful.

Inevitably, as a convert, your ex needs your guidance more than I do. While I do hope that there is something for you and I in the end, my logic tells me to prepare for the worst. If I seem aloof and unaffected by you, it's just me protecting myself. I can't leave Lawas and keep my sanity when a big chunk of my heart remains here with you.

Poyo, undoubtedly. But that's what I told him on sms yesterday.

I wish, I wish, Oh how I wish, but I don't see a future with him, being the playboy that he is. Can't believe that I am that woman who is attracted to bad boys. I thought that only happens to other people and not me. But now see who's getting excited by the bad boy of Kuching? Li'l ole me....

Some people say, with my personality, I will have a better chance at snagging a man and settling down once I move back home. I am still learning to believe that. I hope so. But if not, I'd be happy to be on my own and sort out my life alone.

It's just the many ironies of my life, the way I see it. I spent the last eleven years of my life in this town, thinking and wondering whether I would meet my soulmate here. But nobody dared to approach me. None whatsoever! And now, when I am leaving, a guy brave enough to say something to me comes along. And he came along with a lot of baggage. Begging for my understanding, cherishing my company. Surely this is frightening all of the people who are close to me. But seriously, they need not have worried. I am old enough to know when I am in serious trouble. One is now preaching to me about the sanctity of a relationship in our faith by constantly tagging me to her articles on Facebook. That is so damned IRRITATING. I am just inches away from telling her to just shove it up her ass already. Acting so high and mighty when she cries non-stop every night. Every night, okay? Who's life need sorting out, really? Do you see me crying every night over petty things? I do not take every single details in life with the same amount of seriousness anymore. I am indeed able to live my life more than she does. I hope when she gets older, she will realize that not everything is worth shedding tears over.

Seriously she is a nice gal, but really, and I really really do not want to hurt her feelings because she is a housemate of mine. There is no use hurting her feelings when her intentions were purely innocent. She is trying to save me from making mistakes that would make me hate myself later. I think. And I believe, she is doing it the best way she thinks she knows how.

But still, as the person that she is directing her concern on, I am getting more and more irritated. Still, she is not the bad guy in this situation. I am just being a very stubborn girl. Like a hardheaded teenager.

Actually, I want to laugh at her efforts. All this preaching about keberkatan and ketulusan of a relationship in the faith, she is acting like I am HOPING for a marriage in this relationship. I am not. It's just a fling. He'll eventually go back to his ex-wife, who is a convert. Obviously, she needs him more that I do. Besides, if I took him home to see my mom and and my family, would you honestly think that they would be happy to accept him into the family given the baggage and the reputation he came with? I seriously doubt that my mother would think that I am sane in thinking that they would accept him. I might even get disowned. And most probably, she'd say, "Dah takde jantan lain kat dunia ni, ke Lynette?" Which would make her right again. As always.

So, perhaps it would hurt his feelings if he reads this post and realize that to me, despite the things I say to him, the feelings I have for him, is not a permanent thing, like I said, just a fling. But a girl has to do what a girl has to do and that means protecting herself by any means possible. That includes being a bitch about it. But at least, I am not lying to him in mentioning over and over again that we'll be history once I leave.

Am I not saddened by this? To have yearned for love only to find it in him? Hey, he's a player. He's got skills. I am totally aware of this fact, therefore, although I am once again brimming with enthusiasm and life, I am not swept away by his charms. Just enough to keep me high-spirited. But not enough to get my head so high up in the clouds.

It's complicated. But it's what one makes of it, like most things. To me, it's not. But to outsiders who feels that it is their obligation to burden themselves with my concerns, it's really bad because I am at risk of hurting myself. Seriously people! I'm not 17 anymore! Time to let loose and live, already!

About time you learn to let go of the people who are not asking you to worry about them. And although they may not look like they know what they are doing, how would you know? You're not there in their place. It's hard, but you will have to learn to trust people for their ability in making the best judgment. We're born to learn from our mistakes. I think I have made enough to learn enough.

If there is one good thing, make that two good things about him that I can say is that he is patient with me and he had always been respectful of me. He never raised his voice to me, despite the fact that I can be a rather infuriating person to be with sometimes. Yes, I test people. And sometimes, to their limits. I have not tested him to his limits yet. I might. We'll see.

So, saya sayang dia. But that is all there is to it. We enjoy each other's company. We look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day. And we talk on the phone regularly every day and evening before bed. It's a relationship, albeit a non-conventional one. But it's working just nice for him and I, so why worry about it?

One thing is for sure though, I love him enough to want him to be happy, with or without me. He's a bad boy trying to make right. Doing his best to make amends. And I think, I am the only one who believes him. Or fooled by him, whichever way you like to see it. At least I can tell him honestly that I do believe him and he will make that transition eventually, when he's ready. At least he's stopped smoking since we started dating.

The first night we went out, he took me to a party. I felt so out of place with so many people staring at me and Nurul. But he stuck close. So I felt safe. Then he took me to his uncle's house for a bbq party. He'd probably take me to his family's house if they were closer. But he's had practice before, so I don't see anything special in that. He is just that brash... or brave. Whichever you wanna call it. I just like the fact that he's not scared of anything.

And the last time we went out, we went to his friend's house, to see his ailing grandmother. Ziarah orang sakit. He told his friend there who flew in from Kuching that I am indeed his current flame. And when asked when is the marriage, he'd smile that Chesire cat smile he has and he'll say, after umrah, we'll see.

At least he never lied to me about the fact that he is torn between settling down with me for good, or go back to his merciless convert ex-wife with the mouth of a dirty gutter. He hurts his feelings so much with her words, but when a man loves a woman...

And he introduces me to everyone he sees as his girlfriend. But like I said, I'm jaded, I always look at him with that skeptical look in my face whenever he tells me that he told people that he's seeing someone.

Sure, I might get carried away, it's a nice feeling I have in my gut at the moment. But will you ever see me cry every night over it? Definitely not.

Because big girls don't cry. Surely.