torn

Why is it now that I have mentally released him of any liability to be blamed for all the hurt I made myself feel whenever he is unable to follow through with his plans, and consequently, also released him from being tied to me in this strange relationship, I feel no more anger for him, but in its place, I find that I miss him more and more.

Why do I keep doing that to myself?

On a scale of 1 to 5 on the SOM, I am on a 3 today. Which is great. I am on my way to recovery. Malas kan? Tiap kali balik kampung, I have to go through recovery. It's funny how homesickness still strikes after more than 7 years of the routine of going home for the school break and returning here. And the feeling gets worse every year.

The easiest thing to do is, PINDAH LA BALIK KL.

That is all fine and dandy but after all the novelty of 'coming home' is gone, what is there for me in a place that I have left because of the smothering heat and materialism?

Yes, my family is definitely there.... but being with them makes me take them for granted. Things had been more peaceful since I was away. I should keep it that way.

Should I leave for something I am not happy with. Should I stay and feel guilty about everything?

shitty-O-meter

Do I feel better about things for the rest of the day? I don't know. The morning was great. I did my stuff at work. I left at 1.20pm, had lunch and slept the whole afternoon away. I still feel shitty.

Oh it was raining all afternoon. What better thing to do when it rains so hard all day? Sleep, in your cozy bed, under the covers. Oh bliss.

On a scale of 1 to 5 on the shitty-O-meter, with 5 being 'better get the razors out' and 1 being 'I'm on Cloud 10' , I think I am on 4. It is way better than 5, but I had wanted to be at least on a 3 by today. It's been a month.... slowly making its downward spiral.... I wanna go up again... again again!!!!

What is wrong with me? When is this going to be over????

things

Good morning to everyone....

Today I played Rihanna's Umbrella song on the PA system. I think my PK1 is not too happy about that. I don't know... I think it is a good clean song about being a friend 'who'd stick it out till the end". What's so wrong about that? Besides, it is upbeat and I think it would lift up anyone's spirits played in the morning.

It's not the song I think. It's the whole 'playing it on the PA system' thing.

Anyway, I feel good this morning. Let's hope that this keeps up the whole day. I am tired of feeling the way I did the last two weeks. I am a firm believer of the 'faking it' school of thought because I have done it time and time again, and it worked. So today, I am going to fake positivity and cheerfulness in the hopes of fooling my whole sense into believing that I am in fact feeling exactly that way about everything and finally lift up the whole 'feeling shitty about myself and everything around me' thing.

Let's see if it works. I'll keep you posted. Now I have to go do my rounds.

I love myself. The rest of the world can go to h*ll if they have a problem with that.

letting go

In a moment of sheer depression, I have decided this....

There is no use hoping for him to come to me. He has said it one too many times already. He has even made the effort to make it seem real by making that first phone call after 9 months. Like a hope refresher thing.

I was depressed. About I don't know why. I wanted it to be over. As soon as possible. In a good way, in a bad way, I am not too concerned about the how. I just want it to be over.

I also talked to someone online, and he told me that the thing I said or made him believe I said... must have hurt him really bad because it hurts. Especially if it was not true.

I said "I trust you. I trust you with all my heart. But if there is someone else out there who would make you far happier than I can ever make you, please, by all means, go to her."

That was meant to mean that I trust him so much that if there is someone trying to seduce him, I would not blame him at all. And if he decides to leave me for her then it just means he never really wanted me the way he said he wanted me.

So I am hurting. And I can imagine how much I hurt him, writing what I did. I was sad. I was depressed. I was crying. So I sent him a text. I am so sorry. That was all. And with that, I let him go.

I hope he will accept my apology and finally decide it is time to stop playing games with me and walk away.

to sum things up

Like they always say, after a long hiatus...
a lot of things has happened since I last wrote.

I don't remember much of what's happened though. However, I do have tons of photos to remind me of the things that I have done with friends....

1. I attended the course at IAB Genting.
It was great. It was cool. The place was comfortable and peaceful.... felt sort of like an elite rehab center. Not that I have been in any of them. The course was great. The lecturers were engaging. Then there were the fellow coursemates. They were very accommodating. For those who knows me, that is a hard thing to do. I can be a handful. I was elected secretary, and I was surprised at my own promptness in carrying out my responsibilities. So I guess my hard work and promptness sort of balances out my immature and loud self quite well.
There was the jungle trekking.
I seriously thought it was the kind where one would not even break a sweat. Boy, was I wrong. It was a good work out. And at the end of it, I was like panting, out of breath and close to passing out due to lack of oxygen. Ha ha.... it was great. Really. It just proved to me how out of shape I was and how much exercise I will have to do if I wanna make it up Mount Kinabalu. Which was the reason why I have decided to postpone my climb to a later date. Besides, I really do not want to be going there in the same group as the biatch. (Gasp! Yes, there is a BIATCH in my life. It sucks. But life without certain discomforts is not real, so I have learned to accept that.)
Then there was that bench-marking visit to SMK Jalan Cochrane.
It was an amazing 7-story high school (complete with elevators) located somewhere in KL. It was amazing.... maybe because I have been stuck in the middle of nowhere for more that 7 years now, so seeing a good school in the middle of KL can be something amazing. Oh well.... some of the kids loved me. I am so weird. I am a 17-year-old girl trapped in the body of a 31-year-old woman. Oh the pain...

2. Then there was that insane 6am - 9.30pm drive from my town to Semporna, Sabah.
It was insane... because .... I don't know. I thought I'd be too old to drive all the way up there and down again. But then, I was reminded what was so much fun about it. And it was not that hard.
We went to Mabul Island the next day. Went snorkeling. Actually, if you're really serious about it, get a diving license and go SCUBA diving on Sipadan Island. That would be cool. Which what I am planning to do. I think I have already jinxed it by telling you this right now.
And then the next day, we went to tawau before Leaving for KK again.

3. Then there was the 2-week long school holiday last May.
I was at my mom's place. If you know me, you know nothing about the way around KL or whatever. I can drive around it blindly, get lost and find my way again. But that's all I can do. But out of sheer necessity, I learned how to get to KLCC. To meet with and old friend, Irwan, and a new friend, Husaimi the adik-adik kin of guy with a mantap bod nonetheless.
I also learned hoe to get to Concorde Shah Alam. Why? I had too much time on my hands.
If anyone reads this and feels offended that I didn't call them when I was in KL... sorry. Bad habit. Bad, bad, baaaaad habit. No excuse for that. Just a really bad habit.

4. What else is there to tell?
There are other tinier details. But then they are just personal trivia. I don't even remember them. Hah.

Oh, then there is that thing he said about wanting to meet me if we had time. I said, he won't be seeing me cuz he would be busy. He is always ultra busy when he is in KL. I knew he would ever be able to see me. But he pressed on.

He called me that morning at 9.40am. I was still asleep. I slept at 4am the night before. Talked with W after picking her up from work. Oh that.... she likes me to send and pick her up from work when I was home. I guess it is more fun going home with someone at 4 am.

Anyway, in the end we didn't meet.

So now, I am again at a place where I can't help but make assumptions of why he kept saying that there might be a good time for us to meet even when he is fully aware that there would be none.
A. He really meant it and had hoped that there would be a gap where he can meet me somewhere.
B. He might have wanted to show me how much I have hurt his feelings, so he keeps playing this 'tarik tali' thing with me. Playing me like a puppy.

The optimist in me would like to believe in option A with all my heart. And let option B be for all the naysayers. But in my moments of weakness, I too wanted to believe in option B and scream out into the darkness out there that he is nothing but another big fucking asshole.

I am hurt. Over what? His hopefulness that we'd finally be able to meet? Or his callousness in thinking that I might not have the positivity that he has about fucking everything in life?

Maybe I should lighten up and not let little things like this hurt me. I should not let myself be the victim, right?

I do want believe that he is serious about me.

But sometimes, I just want to give up and believe that he is, in fact, that huge, gaping a**hole. It grates at my being, being treated this way.

Can someone please tell me that I am wrong and I should have more faith in God... because I really need someone to tell me what to do at the moment.

Dream

I want to meet him. I want him to want to meet me. So we can talk about things. So we can come to a decision even he said he was not making any decision.

So I left him alone.

It has been five months now. I never text him first. I'll only reply. The last few said he will be in my town around school holiday. He didn't promise. I had my hopes too high. I cancelled my plans. I left the week open for him.

Then he text me telling me that he can't be in my town around that time after all. He'll only be here around the end of the month instead.

I took a deep breath and told myself not to lash out in anger. But I can't help but think to myself whether he really does want to see me. I didn't reply his text. It made him frantic. I had to reply his third text in three days. I didn't have the heart to let him suffer.

The results are out and he has to handle some things back at the office. I was disappointed. But that is not a strong enough reason to hate him. He has to work.

So I spent my week at the office doing scholarship stuff, preparing for a meeting in Miri on March 22nd.

In my heart, I know, sooner or later that day will come. I must have patience.

Wouldn't be wonderful if, when that day comes, I can split his skull in two. For reasons beyond my grasp, I am feeling very angry. I feel that he is toying with me.

I have never needed any man. What makes him think I need him that badly that I am willing to tolerate this?

I keep saying that. Is it really necessary for him to be like this? Am I psychotic to always believe that people really do go out of their way just to hurt me?

Simple. He is not trying to hurt me. He just needs to get his work done.

Will he ever get done? When? When he is too old and tired? That would be too late. By then, I might have a boyfriend outside. One who adores me.

Threatening to do things, but never had the guts to do it. Am I spineless?

I just don't want to ruin things like I always do. I wreck everything. I have been nothing but trouble all my life. Maybe I should stop being so self-centred and try to commit to making my relationship work.

So, here I am. Ready to spend the rest of the week at home, or at the office. I was going to Limbang with Z and meet up with another friend and go for a picnic at a sweet spot near the creek in the next town. Then have that meeting with my boss on Monday. Leave for Miri on the 21st, attend the scholarship meeting and come home on the 23rd.

Guess what I got this afternoon.

A letter saying I have to attend a 2-week long course in Genting, March 18 - 30. Right around the time he will be here.

What is this?

A little test from God? I am not questioning it. I am just amused by the irony.

The thing is, I have always had the feeling that I am protected by some unseen entity.

Most people I know tell me that N is trouble. He will be the source of my worst heartache. For those closer to me, they have been very supportive. They know I want this. They know it is time for me to know what it means to be in a stable relationship. To feel safe with someone. To share something profound.

But I have been having doubts since the first day. If there is one thing that pisses me off is when a man plays with a woman's feelings just for kicks. Is he doing that to me? That is my biggest doubt.

I am used to waiting. I have waited for most of the things in my life. When it is meant to be, I will get it, eventually. Naturally or by efforts on my part. When it is not meant to be, it will simply not happen.

As mundane as it seems, that is how I think the protection mechanism works; I just have to wait.

If it is really meant to be, if he is not the threat to my happiness that most of my friends think he is, he will be that part of my life that has been missing. If not, he will just disappear and I will be fine.

J had a dream. In her dream, there was me; the one who has had very bad luck with love. Had I suffered? I don't know. It's her dream, not mine. But in the end, I died. It's a dream she had around 5.30 am. Does that mean anything to anyone?

I have never put much thought in the things I dream about. They are too twisted, and they never come true. And most of the time, I would have forgotten what I dreamed about by the time I am awake again. I just see it as the brain rebooting for the next day's assignments. They never come true.

What if hers does?

On a happier note, I am going to Genting for two weeks for a course in managing students affairs. It is a long-awaited course. I am so excited and in my excitement, I forgot that it is the school holiday and I planned to have the air tickets be set for Saturday when I can actually fly home Thursday or Friday so I can spend a few days at home before going for the course. Isn't it the coolest thing?

I'll miss my room.

DQ

I wrote J a letter earlier... I was almost done when I was distracted by the television. Then the cat walked on the laptop and she deleted the page. If I had my way, I would have grilled the stupid cat.

I don't mind having to write the letter again. I just don't like having to write the same thing again because then the impact is gone.

Well, I am gonna try anyway.

That dream is so bad. But I have never had any faith in dreams. Nothing I dreamt ever came true. Have yours? If they have... then maybe I am in trouble. Hehe...

As for the things J discussed with A, I am for one thankful to have a friend like Jwho loves me just the way I am, and through her, have the respect from A for the person that I am.

I have always had a problem fitting in, especially when I was in secondary school. Those were my difficult years. But back then, there were no counsellors for me to run to so she can tell me that it is okay to be different even when everyone hates me for being me. You can just imagine the things I had to tell myself so that I would not go crazy in that school. All I knew, I was put there by my parents for reasons beyond my comprehension, so the best I could do was be a good daughter, stay, stay out of trouble and finish school... hopefully with good results. And I did just that. And I have no idea how I passed SPM. I never really studied. So I put all the credit to my parents, who prayed to God to their very last drop of energy so a quack like me can pass through school safe and sound.

I am also glad that the 5 years spent at that school did not ruin me. It did not break me, by way of making me change myself for the sake of the fake acceptance by people I can't even pretend to like.

Only in uni did I find my place. I am glad I met you there. That is where I realized that there was nothing wrong with me. I was just mixing with the wrong kind of people.

I am glad that I never fell for the lemming ideals of the mass. Today, I am happy with who I am. Don't get me wrong. I am far from perfect. I wish I am better with money. But the rest of me, the good and the bad, I have been able to embrace. There are days when I hate myself for being born. But then there are also days when I know with great conviction that I came into exsitence for a purpose. I am still looking. But I am not complaining. I am just enjoying the journey and along the way, I try to help the ones in need... sometimes even when they don't need my help.

Haha!

I know me. I am happy with me. Me is far from perfect, but I'll make do. If there is anyone out there who doesn't, why should I care? That is not my problem.

I have prided myself for being a little eccentric in my ways, if not crazy. And most of the time, I attract crazy people. So far, I have had 5 crazy people in my town who fell in love with me. Ain't that funny? Well, I will just take that as a compliment.

People say crazy people are blessed because they will be spared from the fires of hell. Special beings, maybe. So maybe they are the only ones who can see what is so special about me? Or are they simply preparing me to enter their loony world myself? Hahaha....

And perhaps that eccentricity that attracts people to me. And I do attract weirdos. I am not saying that I am special. I know I am not. Just that sometimes, the kinds of people who swarm at me simply baffles.

So yes, I am looking for that guy who can handle the crazy part of me. Mom was lucky she had dad. Will I be as lucky?

The DQ that I am only wants someone who loves me and adores me. Is that too much to ask?