Of rain andrainbows

There was this very old song...

As usual I'd forget the singer and the title.

But it says that if you want the rainbow, you must have the rain.

Yes, I am willing to have the rain so thatI can have the rainbow.

Even if the rain turns into some kind of shit storm with twisters and thunderbolts from hell.

I'll live through it.

Of wondering

Are we spending Eid in KL again this year?

2 weeks.

Would be nice to be able to do that.

God willing.

Of last time I was home May-June.

End of May, we had a two-week long school break.

It was great.

I flew home to be with my family.

He promised that he would come when he can.

He couldn't.

All the way through the school break, he didn't come to KL.

That made me sad.

But at least I was home with my family and not left rotting all by myself here.

Then I had an accident.

Fell asleep at the traffic light and slammed my car into the back of the viva in front of me.

Was on the way back from visiting a family of my husband's.

We got to their place just fine.

But I felt super sleepy on the way back, so I wanted to find a safe place to stop and nap a little.

Nope. 

My eyes couldn't wait.

Spent the rest of the day dealing with it.

My sister came later in the evening all the way from KL to rescue us, with her friend, in her Honda City.

If I have 20k, I'd buy my sister one.

If I had money, she wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Spent the rest of my days in KL being home.

My daily routine was just waking up, send her to work in the car my brother lent us, come back, pick up the nasi lemak n bihun goreng I ordered from the makcik, get home, go back to sleep, wake up, have breakfast, stare at the wall, fall sleep again, wake up, shower, get dressed, pick her up from work.

The car was great. 

I miss driving my hilux as the hubster has been working away from home for months now. 

So the Estima was a luxurious substitute.

But the RM100 for a full tank of petrol and it didn't last that long for the amount of traveling to and from  my sister's work place was a bit of a hassle for a person like me, I was on a tight budget this time I was home.

It sucked.

I wish I could take my family somewhere and have a fancy dinner or travel somewhere.

I was not able to do that last time.

I am ok about being on a tight budget.

But it sucks when my being on a tight budget makes me a deadbeat. 

I couldn't even take my mom to the market and buy her the month's grocery like I sometimes do when   I come home for a long break.

Sucked.

Guess what?

Eid is coming up in August. 

There is another 2 weeks of school break.

We sure are having a lot of long breaks this year.

Of make up routine

I wear increasingly less and less make up these days.

Just moisturizer, powder and lipgloss.

Applied just once in the morning.

I never went to school without make up.

A couple of years ago I was single and and happy.

I had every reason to show the glow of happiness that I have inside to the outside.

Kids were loved that I take care of myself.

Then one day I got married.

I contemplated suicide for the longest time.

I stopped wearing make up.

Make up is not fun anymore.

Not and therapeutic as it once was.

Going to school make up free after years and years of having on full make up, I was bound to raise speculations.

I don't know or care what they are. 

I am just glad I am still alive and breathing.

But the kids would ask me if I was sick.

Well, I might have looked like a dead body.

They had cause for alarm.

Maybe I am slowly easing up of the make up.

People in KL x wear make up.

Great if you're naturally pretty.

Fucked if you're not.

Of being rid of them crazies

The months just came and went. 

Like the wind.

It's now June.

It didn't feel like anything.

Had I been living my life in a haze?

Maybe I had been concentrating too much on my inner suffering that I just let my days pass by, not wanting to acknowledge them.

Not wanting to acknowledge how worthless everything seemed to me those days.

Or how worthless, hopeless and helpless I had felt through those days.

But, as the chemicals in our brains would have it, they can' stay imbalanced forever.

So here I am. Feeling balanced again. After two years of mental and spiritual suffering.

Finally, my body thinks it has had enough of the reflux of the bad hormones. 

The one that makes me hear voices and the one that makes me want to end my life.

Those are some bad chemicals.

Glad I am rid of them.

Glad I am finally rid of them

I hope.

Of stuff to write about.

There were so many things I wanted to write about. 

Painful things. 

But I decided to wait until the pain goes away to see if it would still be as awful.

Then it went away. 

It wasn't awful anymore.

Everything is wonderful again.

So I do not see the need to write down those painful things anymore.

I have been in pain for too long and been angry and sad so many times.

I had to go through all that to understand and realize that those feelings don't last.

They will go away with the passing of time.

But when I write it down somewhere, only to come back and read it again, I will only be able to see how stupid I was to have let those feelings take me down.

I am supposed to be the strong and wonderful and brilliant and amazing awesomeness.

Fell because of mere feelings and emotions.

I do not wish to be reminded of the pain that lasted a few days because I had let something happen to have caused pain. 

So I do not write it down. 

I might want to write down my joys instead. 

I just might.

But it is still few and far between. 

The sparsity of it will embarrass me.

And the people reading it.

So what is there left to write?

Life... Just me and my life as a married woman forced to be on her own.

Because I am too damned strong for my own good.

:-)