There are so many other more interesting things in my life right now that I should be writing about instead of obsessing about him and prattling on and on about us in here. I would like to stop doing this, but it helps me deal with it. I am at a crossroads.
Moving on would be so much easier and simpler for everyone. But I am worried that I may be making a mistake. I have never really had an intuition like most women, so I don't usually do anything based solely on a hunch. Well, sometimes, I do have gut feeling and I'd follow that. But that is very few and far between.
I am worried that if I decide this, I will only hurt him. Why it is a big deal? Because he has done nothing to hurt me. I just feel that there is something missing in this relationship. I don't feel that he is someone I can fall back on if something happens to me. I know, that is a huge thing to expect of someone whom you get to see only 2 to 3 times a year. But you know, I want him to be that person. I just have never given him the chance or reason to be that person because I am used to taking care of myself that asking for anything from him would feel demeaning of my capabilities. And having said that, it is unfair to deem that he will not be there in my times of need.
He's been hurt before. I don't want to be just another face in his bitter memories. Because he's been nothing but nice and gentlemanly to me. There a few tiffs, but none had been him trying to hurt me intentionally. I assumed a lot of things and blamed him for it. Which is typical of me. I do that a lot, because when I assume the worse, the situation will always prove me wrong. At the expense of me seeming to be an ass, I'd do it again, any day because the end product is the thing that matters to me.
And what is the other thing that I am worried about? As silly as it may sound, I worry that if this does not work out, I will not like the new feelings I will have in the next relationship that I will be having, because despite the distance and the scarcity of communication, he does conjure up feelings inside me that I have grown to like. And most important of all, as much as I hate to admit it, he makes me think; a lot; before I say or do something. But I still make mistakes anyway. I never learn. *sigh*...
Anyway, I did say it stopped hurting once I stopped caring, right? Well, it's still true. But if I don't care, why does this relationship bother me so much? Maybe it doesn't, because I'll catch myself halfway through the thought, re-evaluate it and realize that there is nothing much I can do about it, other than just behave myself appropriately, and let nature take its course. I am not in a rush. Honestly, if he decide to ask me to marry him, even in the next two years, I don't think I'll be ready. I am such a mess.
If I decide to break up with him, I'll be single again, and probably stay that way for the rest of my life. I don't have trust for men. They are not all the cheating, conniving assholes, but what are the odds of me finding and keeping the good ones with me being the way I am? I am not talking about my physical self. Although the initial attraction will be based on the way a woman looks physically, I know for a fact that men stay for the feelings a woman create within him. I was saying, with me being the way I am, what kinds of feelings will I conjure inside my man that will persuade him to stay with me till the end of our lives? I am nitroglycerin. Who would opt to live with that?
Yes, I am a big advocate of the importance of being true to yourself. But honestly, if you are the type who hates to shower for days on end, and who picks your nose even at the dinner table and have very bad taste in fashion, would you not change yourself a little bit to accommodate the one you love? You will definitely shower more, because it is truly very good for you, and stop picking your nose at the dinner table, because it is extremely disgusting, especially when a grown woman does it, and yes, you do want to make him proud to have you on his arm when both of you go out in public.
Honestly, I do shower at least twice a day and three times when I need to, and I do not pick my nose outside of the shower. And I can't even fart until there is no one around. Thanks to my mom, I think I got that from her. Haha...
Pressure... from my mom? Sometimes I do feel like a pressure cooker waiting to burst. But I have to understand, that she wants the best for me. Maybe she has a not so delicate way of handling my feelings concerning the matter, but that's the way she is, and I should have known her well by now. I should at least explain to her nicely, right? Next time. When she is calmer.
So why am I still with him, with all this whining and complaining? Because he's a good man and I am still trying to figure out myself and how I should conduct myself in this one tricky thing called relationship. The distance and scarcity of communication does help in ways I can never imagine. I'm not worried of being alone. I am alone as it is. I enjoy my aloneness because I am not the type who actually goes to tears because I feel lonely. Odd, but I never feel lonely. And unlike some women, I don't need to feel the lovey dovey things most couples in love would need to feel in order to feel the love. I feel the love. That's why I am still with him.
While I do have a hard time trying to scrape off the crappy things I may not like in his past, I just have to think that I may just be paranoid. Besides, it's his future that I want to share with him. Not his past.
Right now, I wish we'd spend more time together, so that I will be able to love him unconditionally. You know, the kind where we'll have differences and keep those differences, but at the same time, won't let it bother the relationship? The way I love my mom to bits even if I don't have the close relationship some other mothers and daughters share and we keep getting into arguments no matter how old I get and how petty the issue may be. I want to have that with the man in my life. But I guess that will have to come with time.
So, if we make it or not, God has plans for us. That is the one thing I never doubt.
Moving on would be so much easier and simpler for everyone. But I am worried that I may be making a mistake. I have never really had an intuition like most women, so I don't usually do anything based solely on a hunch. Well, sometimes, I do have gut feeling and I'd follow that. But that is very few and far between.
I am worried that if I decide this, I will only hurt him. Why it is a big deal? Because he has done nothing to hurt me. I just feel that there is something missing in this relationship. I don't feel that he is someone I can fall back on if something happens to me. I know, that is a huge thing to expect of someone whom you get to see only 2 to 3 times a year. But you know, I want him to be that person. I just have never given him the chance or reason to be that person because I am used to taking care of myself that asking for anything from him would feel demeaning of my capabilities. And having said that, it is unfair to deem that he will not be there in my times of need.
He's been hurt before. I don't want to be just another face in his bitter memories. Because he's been nothing but nice and gentlemanly to me. There a few tiffs, but none had been him trying to hurt me intentionally. I assumed a lot of things and blamed him for it. Which is typical of me. I do that a lot, because when I assume the worse, the situation will always prove me wrong. At the expense of me seeming to be an ass, I'd do it again, any day because the end product is the thing that matters to me.
And what is the other thing that I am worried about? As silly as it may sound, I worry that if this does not work out, I will not like the new feelings I will have in the next relationship that I will be having, because despite the distance and the scarcity of communication, he does conjure up feelings inside me that I have grown to like. And most important of all, as much as I hate to admit it, he makes me think; a lot; before I say or do something. But I still make mistakes anyway. I never learn. *sigh*...
Anyway, I did say it stopped hurting once I stopped caring, right? Well, it's still true. But if I don't care, why does this relationship bother me so much? Maybe it doesn't, because I'll catch myself halfway through the thought, re-evaluate it and realize that there is nothing much I can do about it, other than just behave myself appropriately, and let nature take its course. I am not in a rush. Honestly, if he decide to ask me to marry him, even in the next two years, I don't think I'll be ready. I am such a mess.
If I decide to break up with him, I'll be single again, and probably stay that way for the rest of my life. I don't have trust for men. They are not all the cheating, conniving assholes, but what are the odds of me finding and keeping the good ones with me being the way I am? I am not talking about my physical self. Although the initial attraction will be based on the way a woman looks physically, I know for a fact that men stay for the feelings a woman create within him. I was saying, with me being the way I am, what kinds of feelings will I conjure inside my man that will persuade him to stay with me till the end of our lives? I am nitroglycerin. Who would opt to live with that?
Yes, I am a big advocate of the importance of being true to yourself. But honestly, if you are the type who hates to shower for days on end, and who picks your nose even at the dinner table and have very bad taste in fashion, would you not change yourself a little bit to accommodate the one you love? You will definitely shower more, because it is truly very good for you, and stop picking your nose at the dinner table, because it is extremely disgusting, especially when a grown woman does it, and yes, you do want to make him proud to have you on his arm when both of you go out in public.
Honestly, I do shower at least twice a day and three times when I need to, and I do not pick my nose outside of the shower. And I can't even fart until there is no one around. Thanks to my mom, I think I got that from her. Haha...
Pressure... from my mom? Sometimes I do feel like a pressure cooker waiting to burst. But I have to understand, that she wants the best for me. Maybe she has a not so delicate way of handling my feelings concerning the matter, but that's the way she is, and I should have known her well by now. I should at least explain to her nicely, right? Next time. When she is calmer.
So why am I still with him, with all this whining and complaining? Because he's a good man and I am still trying to figure out myself and how I should conduct myself in this one tricky thing called relationship. The distance and scarcity of communication does help in ways I can never imagine. I'm not worried of being alone. I am alone as it is. I enjoy my aloneness because I am not the type who actually goes to tears because I feel lonely. Odd, but I never feel lonely. And unlike some women, I don't need to feel the lovey dovey things most couples in love would need to feel in order to feel the love. I feel the love. That's why I am still with him.
While I do have a hard time trying to scrape off the crappy things I may not like in his past, I just have to think that I may just be paranoid. Besides, it's his future that I want to share with him. Not his past.
Right now, I wish we'd spend more time together, so that I will be able to love him unconditionally. You know, the kind where we'll have differences and keep those differences, but at the same time, won't let it bother the relationship? The way I love my mom to bits even if I don't have the close relationship some other mothers and daughters share and we keep getting into arguments no matter how old I get and how petty the issue may be. I want to have that with the man in my life. But I guess that will have to come with time.
So, if we make it or not, God has plans for us. That is the one thing I never doubt.
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