Tuesday, March 17, 2009

entry tah hapa-hapa

What happened to me?

Wat happened to me that I hate men so much, I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with one? I don't see myself being able to trust any of them?

None of the men in my family had given me any bad notion of what men should be. Maybe it is my fault that I had exposed myself to all these bad men.

My dad was a good father and husband, my eldest brother is not doing too bad a job, and my other brother... well, he was never in the equation anyway. But at least he did not cheat on his wife and it was because some other stupid thing on his part.

I have been very unlucky in love so far. I guess that is just karma, because I have not been the most decent human being. Positive thinking people would tsk tsk me and tell me that there is no reason for me to just resign myself to this fate and I should snap out of it and start thinking positive from now on because positive thinking will bring me good things in life.

Well, they may be right. But at the same time, I also believe in karma. I wish I am a good person. But I am not. There is a lot of room for improvement. So much room that sometimes I just wish I can turn back time and start over. All the way back from when I was 4. Because that was where I was at my happiest. Most of the things after that, had been crappy.

What could have been so bad that I wish to go back to when I was 4? Everything.

I thought I would grow up to be a graceful swan-like ladylike type of person. I didn't.
I thought I would grow up into a lot of things. But most of them, I didn't grow up into. Don't get me wrong, I love the way I am now. The things I have been through had been somewhat fucked up, build character, so here I am. But sometimes I can't help but feel that I could have done better with myself. Yeah, shameful as it is, sometimes I do feel like I have disappointed myself. And disappointed my family in the process. They never said anything. But I wish I could have been more to them than I am today.

Regrets. Yeah, I have a lot of those.

A lot.

Anyway, does anyone know of anyone who can do a past life regression? It sounds like a very interesting thing. I would really like to know if I was someone else in a past life. Hahahaha... a Muslim believing in reincarnation. Gosh, if you had watched Oprah the other day, you would have thought the same thing; sometimes I feel like I was someone else in a past life. Is it wrong of me to think that? Sebab in Islam, there is no reincarnation. No past lives. So why do I feel this way sometimes?

And I feel like everything is unsettled and never will be settled because of something that I can't put my finger on.

You know what I wanna be able to do, if ever I get to meet anyone who can do this past life regression....? To find out who I was in my past life and then figure out why I feel like I am not supposed to be the person that I am today.

Maybe I should make this blog private. I am getting weirder and weirder by the day.

Anyway, what do you think?

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