...

Last night, for some reason, I thought that I will be better off without him. And I believed that with a conviction.

We'll see what we can do about that.

make you

sob...

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
if I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
i know this is love but,

If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
[Chasing Pavements lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

self evaluation

There are so many other more interesting things in my life right now that I should be writing about instead of obsessing about him and prattling on and on about us in here. I would like to stop doing this, but it helps me deal with it. I am at a crossroads.

Moving on would be so much easier and simpler for everyone. But I am worried that I may be making a mistake. I have never really had an intuition like most women, so I don't usually do anything based solely on a hunch. Well, sometimes, I do have gut feeling and I'd follow that. But that is very few and far between.

I am worried that if I decide this, I will only hurt him. Why it is a big deal? Because he has done nothing to hurt me. I just feel that there is something missing in this relationship. I don't feel that he is someone I can fall back on if something happens to me. I know, that is a huge thing to expect of someone whom you get to see only 2 to 3 times a year. But you know, I want him to be that person. I just have never given him the chance or reason to be that person because I am used to taking care of myself that asking for anything from him would feel demeaning of my capabilities. And having said that, it is unfair to deem that he will not be there in my times of need.

He's been hurt before. I don't want to be just another face in his bitter memories. Because he's been nothing but nice and gentlemanly to me. There a few tiffs, but none had been him trying to hurt me intentionally. I assumed a lot of things and blamed him for it. Which is typical of me. I do that a lot, because when I assume the worse, the situation will always prove me wrong. At the expense of me seeming to be an ass, I'd do it again, any day because the end product is the thing that matters to me.

And what is the other thing that I am worried about? As silly as it may sound, I worry that if this does not work out, I will not like the new feelings I will have in the next relationship that I will be having, because despite the distance and the scarcity of communication, he does conjure up feelings inside me that I have grown to like. And most important of all, as much as I hate to admit it, he makes me think; a lot; before I say or do something. But I still make mistakes anyway. I never learn. *sigh*...

Anyway, I did say it stopped hurting once I stopped caring, right? Well, it's still true. But if I don't care, why does this relationship bother me so much? Maybe it doesn't, because I'll catch myself halfway through the thought, re-evaluate it and realize that there is nothing much I can do about it, other than just behave myself appropriately, and let nature take its course. I am not in a rush. Honestly, if he decide to ask me to marry him, even in the next two years, I don't think I'll be ready. I am such a mess.

If I decide to break up with him, I'll be single again, and probably stay that way for the rest of my life. I don't have trust for men. They are not all the cheating, conniving assholes, but what are the odds of me finding and keeping the good ones with me being the way I am? I am not talking about my physical self. Although the initial attraction will be based on the way a woman looks physically, I know for a fact that men stay for the feelings a woman create within him. I was saying, with me being the way I am, what kinds of feelings will I conjure inside my man that will persuade him to stay with me till the end of our lives? I am nitroglycerin. Who would opt to live with that?

Yes, I am a big advocate of the importance of being true to yourself. But honestly, if you are the type who hates to shower for days on end, and who picks your nose even at the dinner table and have very bad taste in fashion, would you not change yourself a little bit to accommodate the one you love? You will definitely shower more, because it is truly very good for you, and stop picking your nose at the dinner table, because it is extremely disgusting, especially when a grown woman does it, and yes, you do want to make him proud to have you on his arm when both of you go out in public.

Honestly, I do shower at least twice a day and three times when I need to, and I do not pick my nose outside of the shower. And I can't even fart until there is no one around. Thanks to my mom, I think I got that from her. Haha...

Pressure... from my mom? Sometimes I do feel like a pressure cooker waiting to burst. But I have to understand, that she wants the best for me. Maybe she has a not so delicate way of handling my feelings concerning the matter, but that's the way she is, and I should have known her well by now. I should at least explain to her nicely, right? Next time. When she is calmer.

So why am I still with him, with all this whining and complaining? Because he's a good man and I am still trying to figure out myself and how I should conduct myself in this one tricky thing called relationship. The distance and scarcity of communication does help in ways I can never imagine. I'm not worried of being alone. I am alone as it is. I enjoy my aloneness because I am not the type who actually goes to tears because I feel lonely. Odd, but I never feel lonely. And unlike some women, I don't need to feel the lovey dovey things most couples in love would need to feel in order to feel the love. I feel the love. That's why I am still with him.

While I do have a hard time trying to scrape off the crappy things I may not like in his past, I just have to think that I may just be paranoid. Besides, it's his future that I want to share with him. Not his past.

Right now, I wish we'd spend more time together, so that I will be able to love him unconditionally. You know, the kind where we'll have differences and keep those differences, but at the same time, won't let it bother the relationship? The way I love my mom to bits even if I don't have the close relationship some other mothers and daughters share and we keep getting into arguments no matter how old I get and how petty the issue may be. I want to have that with the man in my life. But I guess that will have to come with time.

So, if we make it or not, God has plans for us. That is the one thing I never doubt.

this made him yawn

Ponton :
I have decided that love and family must not come second.
if I may, inspector... look what a thinking as has done for you?

Clouseau :
Look, I am very happy living here alone with my various shampoos

Ponton:
I see inspector, I still think you are the best detective in the world. Yet, when it comes to love, you never see what is staring at you right in the face.
Take Nicole for example; do you know the color of her eyes? Her pets' name, her favorite song? You can recite the entire section of every statute in French Criminal Law, but you don't know the first thing about the woman who loves you.

Clouseau :
(After a few moments of thought...)
Her eyes are brown. She loves the smell of vanilla. She is allergic to shellfish. She has a small scar on her finger which I gave her. She loves her cats, Mindy and Wendy and Cindy, Dolores, Frank, Maxine, Caligula and Louise.
(Walks towards the balcony)
And she does not think she is pretty, and I can never tell her she is pretty. Otherwise...

Ponton :
Otherwise what? (Looking at Closseau with an expectant look in his eyes)

Clouseau :
If she knew how pretty she is, she might choose someone other than me...
(Turns around towards Ponton with a sad look on his face)
Ponton, I need a ugg...

And he f*cking yawned. Why would he do that if it didn't bother him? Right?

ping panter too

Before I forget, we saw Pink Panther 2. You know that is not my choice of movie. Come on, you know me better than that!

Well, I said to him that we'll see if there is nothing else better to see then we'll see his choice of movie. Sure enough, there was nothing else I would rather see. So we saw this movie anyway.

I can't believe all the big names in this second one, Alfred Molina, Ashwarya Rai, John Cleese, Andy Garcia, Lily Tomlin and Jeremy Irons! It must have been a career choice people wll make where they will later claim that it was just for fun, sort of a break from the Oscar rat race, if the movie bombed.

Anyway, if you see that movie, right when Ponton finished the Jojoba jig with Clouseau, he told Clouseau that he is going back to his wife and family, and asked him whether he is aware of started asking Clouseau about his priorities in life...

And Clouseau went on a long monologue that describes the little things that he notices about Nicole, his real love interest in the movie. That he didn't really miss those little things at all, him being a great detective and all, eventhough he is a bumbling arse most of the time.

And he yawned. He faked a yawn!

The guy who was sitting next to me, he yawned. A fake one. Had that scene hit a sore spot?

Because Ponton and Clouseau had described a little bit of our relationship, basically when they talked about Nicole.

Thanks so much, Ponton... I lub you.

entry tah hapa-hapa

What happened to me?

Wat happened to me that I hate men so much, I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with one? I don't see myself being able to trust any of them?

None of the men in my family had given me any bad notion of what men should be. Maybe it is my fault that I had exposed myself to all these bad men.

My dad was a good father and husband, my eldest brother is not doing too bad a job, and my other brother... well, he was never in the equation anyway. But at least he did not cheat on his wife and it was because some other stupid thing on his part.

I have been very unlucky in love so far. I guess that is just karma, because I have not been the most decent human being. Positive thinking people would tsk tsk me and tell me that there is no reason for me to just resign myself to this fate and I should snap out of it and start thinking positive from now on because positive thinking will bring me good things in life.

Well, they may be right. But at the same time, I also believe in karma. I wish I am a good person. But I am not. There is a lot of room for improvement. So much room that sometimes I just wish I can turn back time and start over. All the way back from when I was 4. Because that was where I was at my happiest. Most of the things after that, had been crappy.

What could have been so bad that I wish to go back to when I was 4? Everything.

I thought I would grow up to be a graceful swan-like ladylike type of person. I didn't.
I thought I would grow up into a lot of things. But most of them, I didn't grow up into. Don't get me wrong, I love the way I am now. The things I have been through had been somewhat fucked up, build character, so here I am. But sometimes I can't help but feel that I could have done better with myself. Yeah, shameful as it is, sometimes I do feel like I have disappointed myself. And disappointed my family in the process. They never said anything. But I wish I could have been more to them than I am today.

Regrets. Yeah, I have a lot of those.

A lot.

Anyway, does anyone know of anyone who can do a past life regression? It sounds like a very interesting thing. I would really like to know if I was someone else in a past life. Hahahaha... a Muslim believing in reincarnation. Gosh, if you had watched Oprah the other day, you would have thought the same thing; sometimes I feel like I was someone else in a past life. Is it wrong of me to think that? Sebab in Islam, there is no reincarnation. No past lives. So why do I feel this way sometimes?

And I feel like everything is unsettled and never will be settled because of something that I can't put my finger on.

You know what I wanna be able to do, if ever I get to meet anyone who can do this past life regression....? To find out who I was in my past life and then figure out why I feel like I am not supposed to be the person that I am today.

Maybe I should make this blog private. I am getting weirder and weirder by the day.

Anyway, what do you think?

me, my beau and siboo

Him : Buat apa over the weekend?

Me : Takde apa.

Him : Fly to Miri.

Me : (Dalam hati : Mak ai, mengarah nampak...) Kalau ada tiket.

Him : Take the earliest flight on Saturday.

Me : OK

I called the travel agency as soon as we hung up. The earliest flight out to Miri was at 3.45pm. WTF? I just took that and a 4.50pm return flight on Monday. I called him back.

Me : 3.45 je yang paling awal.

Him : What? Takde dah yang lain?

Me : Takde…

Him : Can’t you drive?

Me : Tak pandai jalan kat sana, tak pernah drive, pergi untuk kerja je, never for leisure, take

taxi most of the time, bla bla bla…

Him : Macam-macam alasanla… kalau dah tak nak datang tu, ada je la…

Me : (Dalam hati) ... amboi amboi mengada juga dia ni...

Me : OK, OK, I try call lagi, I will see what I can do.

Called the travel agency sekali lagi. I took the 5.50pm flight on Friday instead.

Me : 5.50pm Friday.

Him : OK.

Me : What time you get in Miri?

Him : Before 9pm.

Me : OK. I’ll wait for you at the airport.

I wondered apa nak dibuat di Miri, 3 hari 3 malam? I don't think Miri is a happening town. Maybe I tak pandai nak cari the nightspots kut? But honestly, I have been there only a few times over the ten-year period most of the time just on transit on the way to Kuching, or attending meetings that lasts only a few hours. I always hop on the earliest flight back home. I don't know anyone there, and even if I do, I am not the type who would call people up just so they can take me places. That feels so much like taking advantage of them. Or am I just weird?

Anyway, I don't know my way around Miri. It is not my kind of town. Ask me about KK, I might just be able to tell you about anything. Heh...

Apa nak buat di sana, 3D3N? I dunno, but he's probably got plans in his head, he always does. Besides, he's lived there for a few years, he probably knows that city like the back of his hands.

I boarded the plane and landed in Miri at almost 7pm, Friday evening. When I turned on the phone, there was already a missed call from him. Moments later, as I sat there waiting for him with another girl who also flew in with me from Lawas to see his boyfriend, he called again. I had anticipated on waiting for another couple of hours or so before he arrives, but on the phone that time, he said he was going to be there in half an hour, after he's dropped off his staff at their hotel. My, he's early. I decided to go to the bathroom to freshen up. When I came back to where I had left my things I can't help but smile at myself to realize that I was indeed still nervous. Just the thought of seeing him again just took away all the cool that I had been mustering all these weeks. Just when I started realizing that it hurts much less once I have stopped caring, something inside me still makes me nervous at the very thought of seeing him again. I hope that is not desperation or weakness. I hope that is just me being out of practice. Him being only the second man who has truly taken a place in my heart in my 33 years of life. I've never been the cool type anyway. Always fire and quick-temper, being cool and collected is not and probably never will be one of my forte.

I sat there with our luggage as the other girl took her turn to go to the bathroom. I hate getting nervous because I will get sweaty. I hate getting sweaty because then he will know I was nervous. I hate people knowing that I am nervous, but they always do.

He called again. I'll be there very soon, wait for me outside. I bade goodbye to the girl, who is also a teacher from my town, and rolled my small but heavy bag behind me as I walked outside to wait for him.

Moments later we were in his car, saying our hi's and how are you's and were on our way to the hotel. We checked in, went out again for dinner and then went to the supermarket next door for some stuff. He has a fascination of supermarkets. Perhaps that is because he grew up without these things around him? I don't know.

The next morning, he asked me where I would like to go. How about Mulu Caves, I said. We'll need boots and lamps and other things. Fine, what would you suggest then? He suggested that we drive all the way down to Bintulu then to Sibu and then I can fly back from there. Sounds like a good idea to me, because rather than spend a really quiet afternoon just doing nothing, I'd really rather be in a long road trip where he has nowhere to go but stick in there and talk to me whether he likes it or not.

We did just that. Drove all the way down to Sibu. That took us 5 hours to get there, stopping here and there, just to stretch our legs.

At one of these stop overs, I think it was the first one, which was at Batu Niah, we stopped at the bus stop over. There was a nice clean place where people sell fruits and other produce. He went and bought some durians. Three big ones with really thick and sweet pulp but very small shrivelled up seeds. It was lovely. Not because he was around to enjoy it with me, but because it really was. We had them opened and we had them then and there. But then a chinese couple from one of the buses walked along the stall where we stood eating the durians, and he made the mistake of inviting them to have some some. It was a good thing that he had urged me to eat as fast as I could because once they came along, another bunch of people came with them and gobbled everything up! What were they thinking???

They even drank and washed their hands from his mineral water bottle. Gila ke apa? And after they were done, they looked at us sheepishly and said, trima kasih ah, abang, kakak? And quietly dissipate. Sorry to sound so crass, but they ate everything up, and even rembat most of the durian tembaga that I loved so much, but only had the time to have only two.

Back in the car, we couldn't stop joking about the whole incident. He said he will have to think about it plenty of times the next time he is gonna invite anyone to join them for durian treats. Sampai lah Sibu pun, the joke still come up from time to time. Because tak boleh lupa punya incident tu.

We had lunch in Bintulu and went to the airport to get me a new Sibu - Miri ticket and change my Miri - Lawas ticket. There was nothing much to see or do in Bintulu, so we just went on to Sibu.

Sampai di Sibu, we checked in at RH Hotel, which was right next to Wisma S@ny@n, which according to him is the tallest building in the whole of Sarawak. Well, I guess people in Borneo does not aspire to build high.

Looking outside the window, in my room and also in the corridors, there was nothing much to see all the way to the horizon. He said it is due to the fact that Sibu started out as a swamp and there is not much land suitable enough to build high buildings. Most of them are just 5 - 7 stories high. The city was widespread and has almost the same population as Miri, but due to the differences in income, it has not been declared a city yet. Miri has the advantage of being close to Brunei which makes it a shopping haven for these people. Over the years, that had granted Miri it's status as a city.

Buat apa di Sibu 2D2N? Makan-makan and gaduh sambil merajuk. Let me spare you from the gaduh and merajuk bit. It was silly, really. But at least he shut up after kena jelingan maut yang dah makin jarang aku gunakan. Tak sangka, masih berkesan. I had never used it on him before, nor do I plan to use it on him again in the future. InsyaAllah.

We didn't go anywhere special, just hung around the town and ate here and there. He had planned to take me to see Sarikei, but he got sick and that didn't sound appealing once he started not feeling too well. It was fine, because I don't mind being in Sibu because it seemed to be a more interesting town. There is the big mall in the wisma next door for shopping and things. And the hotel room was not bad for a government staff discount of RM138 a night, I think it is a steal. It was new and furnished in contemporary style. Very comfortable and I would not have had any qualms about spending the whole 2 days just sleeping in my room. The bed covers are so fluffy and warm. Suker....

Oh, while we were in Sibu, asyik pergi supermarkets aje. Sana, sini, semua supermarket that he knows he will take me. And I would just go and just walk around, not knowing what to get. Temankan ajelah. Where is the harm in that?

I feel sorry for him for becoming sick again towards the end of the trip. He put on a brave face not to make me worry. It was milder than what he got on our last trip to KK. Or not wanting to spoil everything by getting sick again.I don't feel that it is a ruinous thing if he had been sick. I have had sickness in my life since I can remember.

On Monday morning, I woke up early, took a shower, prayed and packed all my stuff. Then we both checked out. He took me to have some breakfast and then straight to the airport. All the way there, he played nothing but Elvis' Pledging My Love. He didn't say it was for me. Assuming it was would be callous.

I have been in this relationship long enough to know better. Nevertheless, I liked it. It was simple and straightforward. But too deep. I doubt that he has that deep a feeling for me. I don't need to comfort myself with the knowledge that he does. Remember, it stopped hurting once I stopped caring?

We were early, so we spent the last hour at the cafeteria, over coffee and pulut panggang.
He had another 4-hour long drive to get back to Kuching.

Back in Lawas, I got busy with the KW@PM thing I was planning to finish. When everything necessary had been carried out, I drove to Limbang to drop it off at the PPD.

In the days that followed, we only had another 4 days of school. It went like a breeze. And now we are in out first mid-term break. Everyone went balik kampong. I stayed back here. One week is too short for me to indulge in the company of family and my three nephews and niece. I don't want to have withdrawal syndrome for just one measly week of that. So I never go back home in March, prefering to wait till end of May.

I spent Saturday sleeping in and being lazy. Sunday, I went grocery shopping, washed everything and tidied up. I went to school this morning and found that the school was in water, 2 feet deep. I left the car at the gate and waded my way to the office.

That was that.

I saw J on YM. He came online. He doesn't see. I kept him on my list so that I can make sure that he will never see me online ever again. From the looks of things, he has finally had the strength to let me go. With the help of that nasty email I sent him last October. It was nasty. He needed the kick in the butt. He does not have any business looking for me again after the four years and ruin things. My life was great. I wanted it to stay J-free. But he thought it would be nice to pick up where we left. And I was too weak to think straight. History will not repeat itself.

Never again.

at least my ears are still young

Created by Train Horns