seronoknya...!

Happy Belated Chinese New Year to all my Buddhist friends. May the year of the Earth Bull bring you much prosperity. Not like my Buddhist friends read this blog.

So, over the 4-day weekend, we went on that trip up to S@ndakan. By the way, if any one of you is going up there via the Kundasang route, stop by the town of Beluran if you are into fresh fish. It is dirt cheap, right off the boat! A fact that I learned when I was back in school yesterday.

Anyway,left this town at 7am, drove to KK, stopped by in Beaufort for brunch. Got to KK around 10.30am. His flight was early. He was already there as I was approaching Lok K@wi which was about 9km from the airport. He was waiting at the first pillar outside the arrival.

We left straight away, taking the highway. As the years go by, and the various times I have driven up and down the hill, round and round the corners and stuff, I have found that the drive up there gets easier, especially when there were only the two of us in the car, instead of the standard four that I always take in my car in the previous trips up the hill.

I stopped to go to the bathroom, while he went to get some fruits at the road side stall. He got us this wonderful orange colored fruit they call lem@k m@nis which tasted like a cross between a cooked pumpkin and ciku. It has the consistency of a labu, and the taste of both labu and ciku. I thought they should have given it a better name than the unimaginative lem@k m@nis and gone for 'laku' or 'cibu' or 'laci' or 'labuciku' or something. Heh...

And a bunch of tomatoes. He knows I like tomatoes. So he went and fed me that weird fruit and tomatoes and water all throughout the drive. If it's not the fruits, it's mentholated candy. I had so much candy, I felt like I peed syrup every time I went to the bathroom.

At around 3.30pm, I started feeling tense in the back of my neck. It was not particularly painful, but it's a nagging throbbing sensation that made me start feeling the tiredness that I didn't realize was there. If he hadn't offered to take the wheels, I would have driven all the way to S@nd@k@n because I know it was not a long way after the T-junction after Belur@n. I had been driving for 9 hours. I love it so much I didn't even know I was tired. It had been a long while since I took that long a trip. And I am not 25 anymore. :-)

There are some sort of deterioration in abilities as you grow old, okay? As I grow old. I am admitting it. Denial is not a middle name of mine. Is it yours?

Next stop was that junction right after Belur@n where they sell snacks and stuff like fruits and crackers and tapioca chips. He got some langsat and mangosteen. And also we had two durians right off the back of a pick-up truck. The one we had before, a few miles back, was a total disappointment. But this one made him very happy because they were very good; thick and creamy and sweet and custardy.

He drove the rest of the way, and I fell asleep all the way to S@nd@k@n. Checked in the hotel, freshened up, and after maghrib went straight out looking for Oce@n King. Truth is, the place is just like any other se@food place. It's just a little fancier because it's built on stilts over the sea. You can hear the waves beneath you and feel the strong sea breeze as you dine. They consider themselves halal just because they don't serve pork. The truth is, if you are a true Muslim, you won't be eating there, because they do serve beer and liqour. I have some other sins already in the pocket, so I didn't really bother. Oh, tak payah jadi ustazah here, please. I know I have sinned by putting unclean things into my bpdy. Letih la nak dengar orang marah-marah pasal benda yang I already know ni. I am most worried about me being anak derhaka actually. So, save your breath la. I am not listening.

Btw, in case you're wondering, I don't drink. I am a fat sinner who doesn't drink and smoke of have sex. I am such a loser, I know. I had a jug of cold chinese tea. Yum...

But the food was good. I enjoyed it. And I will have to enjoy my time in hell as well, I hear you say. I don't have to go into the details lah kan? The usual fare la. No @s@m pedas or tomy@m. Chinese se@food places don't make them. Or do they? I am not sure. The times I had been to those places with him, he's been asking for steamed this and boiled that and soupy stuff. I loved them all, dipped into chopped up garlic+chili and soy sauce+lime. I know the appeal of a@sam pedas, and my mom makes some kick ass @s@m ped@s, but I have never thought of it as a favourite of mine. Afterwards, it was an early night for me, because I was totally POOPED. Dah kenyang, kan? Apa lagi mau? He wanted to see other eating opportunities, so I took him pusing-pusing the pekan in the car and we stopped by this pasr malam type place. But we were pretty much full, so we didn't sit down at any of the ikan bakar stall. Instead, we got some corn on the cob and went to the supermarket right next to the lot and got some stuff for the night, like mineral water and he got so much candy for himself.

He thought about going all the way to T@w@u the next day. But I think he was not feeling too well to want to take that long drive. He was a little under the weather the day before. So we ended up spending two days in S@nd@k@n doing some sightseeing and a lot of eating. And we went to the new central market. It was great because there are all these fresh vegetables and the fish! Don't get me started on the the fish! I saw some tuna, real tuna that I wish I can just scoop up a few and make sushi right then and there. It is a spanking new 3-level building which replaced the appallingly dirty old wet market that stank the whole city way back in 2001 when I was there the first time. There is the wet market on level 1, some clothes and bags stalls on level 2, and some food place at the top. Cool, clean and airy, it really is a better replacement to the old wet market. In the place of the old wet market is a new strip of waterfront-cum-promenade with a new boutique hotel aptly named @ease. Get it? At Ease.

Monday morning, reluctantly, as it felt like time flew by so quickly, we drove back to KK. He didn't wanna drive up and down the hill, so he offered to drive first. Yeah, my car is that bad, that even a seasoned driver like him wouldn't wanna dare handle it up and the slopes. Which is fine, I love driving it up and down the slope. And my brakes didn't stink up like melting metal like it used to the other times, because this time around, I have wised up a lot, and used the gears more instead of stepping on the brakes too much.

And he played his collection of songs on the mp3 modulator. I enjoyed some of them, but felt like barfing for the rest of them. I cringe at most of them. I am such a snob, but since he's such a nice person to me most of the time (I am the monster in the relationship) I just gave him my most pleasant and reassuring smile whenever he asked me if I was okay with those songs playing. He does notice my cringing and he kept asking. Which was sweet of him. The songs were on his 18Gb so it lasted the whole was down... which took 6 hours. Can you imagine the kind of feelings you get inside when you are stuck to listening to all these weird sounds you are not used to just because you like this person and you feel that listening to those sounds would make him happy? Well, to his credit, he listened to all of my songs all the way up there.

There is so much more drama when someone complains instead of when someone just grins and bears it. Maybe I will try that next time. But I guess he knows that younger people (notice, I said 'younger', not 'young') don't really enjoy the genres of songs he does. Oh, he skipped most of those songs on the way back to Lawas, because he told me he can't stand those songs when he is sick. Woo hoo!

Stopped again for the bathroom in Kundasang. He got me the weird fruit again because I liked it so much the first time... and a whole bunch of fresh and sweet and plump and red tomatoes. I don't know if I can finish 'em all sebelum semuanya jadi lembik and go to waste, but I will try.

Got his tickets for Kuching straight from the sparklingly new airport, KKIA. Doubled back to town, and on the way to the hotel, one of his favorite songs came on and he pointed it out... Aku cintakanmu kerana kau berwajah keibuan, dan pendiam blah blah blah.... and I told him, "You know what? He just wants the mute version of his mother". I hope he gets my point. He snickered a little. Hah! Padan muka hang, nak perli aku banyak mulut kah? Sorrylah, I am not a black-haired bimbo who will be okay with all the crap that is happening around her.

Then to add to my point I added some lyrics to the song loud enough for him to hear... "I'm just a boy who doesn't want to grow up and wants my mommy to take care of me!"

Jahat ke tu? Logik ke, nak perempuan bisu berwajah keibuan? I am so not that person in case that is what he wants lah kan?

We checked in to our rooms and then we went to the ikan bakar stalls at the crafts market. We had a huge squid and tuna. He was already beginning to feel a lot worse by then. So he didn't finish the food. I tried, but still, I could only take so much. We went back to the hotel and everything started to get really bad for him, so that evening was spent with him in his room getting down and dirty. I wish...!!! But really, we did get down and dirty, literally but not in the way this term is popularly usedlah kan?

He was in a really bad way. Vomitting and crapping like nobody's business. I went to the 7-Eleven three times getting stuff for him until he finally admitted that he does indeed need to see the doctor. Where do you find a clinic open at that hour on Chinese New Year? Well, right in front of our doorstep of course! Such a good fortune for himlah. Don't think he would have been able to 'contain' himself if I have to drive him around town and getting lost and stuff.

He got a shot and a load of pills and tablets. We went back to his room, and I spent the night taking care of him. He needs to get well because his flight back was to be the next day.

Stayed up most of the night making sure his glucose mix was ready on the bedside table and made sure to wake him up for meds on time.

Memang lelaki tua yang degil. And I do mean it in a good way. I know he is old and he is a typical man who is set in his way and very much used to getting things done his way. What I call degil might just be a brave face he put up to make me not feel so helpless. I do feel helpless at first because he didn't wanna do any of the things I suggested and all I could do was rub some mentholated oil on him and watch him get worse. All the while wishing I could just grab him by the hair and yank him to the clinic. But I know he needs to feel like he is in charge so I had to let him get worse before he himself was willing to get medical help.

The vomitting stopped but he was still very weak from the loss of fluids. But he drinks a lot of water on his own, and I keep a glass of glucose mix at the ready throughout the night. He slept most of the night and only went to the toilet once. And the next morning he was up and about again and dengan megahnya declared that "Saya dah sihat dah ni!" He let me sleep while he got himself showered and dressed. I woke up and saw that he was already dressed and ready to go. Darn it. I went back to my room and got myself ready to leave and packed all my stuff.

Checked out, but when I went down to the parking lot what do you know? The hotel people have set up a lion dance viewing area on the freaking parking lot! My car was under the covered parking lot, with two long trucks (probably the ones used to carry the props and crew) parked right in front of it. I automatically made a sulking face, stomped my feet and went all bimbo-like (I can't believe it worked, even for a fatty like me!). That caught the attention of some of the guys there and they quickly arranged to move one of the trucks so I could get out the other end closer to the car which was actually the entrance to the lot. It was a tight squeeze, but I was no wilting lily when it comes to parking and driving. Although it took me three points to get the car out, I was outta there in no more that half a minute. I am mighty chuffed about that. I must have looked like a mad woman la as always to all the people who was there... tak kisahlah. My man was still weak and putting on a brave face and waiting for me outside the lobby.

9.30, we were at the Sri Sempel@ng and Seg@ma for breakfast. I had nasi goreng with mixed soup. He only had the mixed soup. Ye, aku lapar time-time pagi macam tu.... tambah pulak the night before, we only had the Hyatt rice porridge in his room, because he was sick and we didn't go out again after the ikan bakar meal. It was good, but I could have used a Whopper as well actually, being such a glutton and all.

Lini minta McDonald's and a photo album. But there is only breakfast fare that early in the morning , so no cheeseburger or Big M@c. And there is no store open yet for me to get her a photo album.

But as we were driving through Put@t@n, he pointed out to me... "Gi@nt...."

"I know."
"Giant...."
"Yeah, I know it's Giant, what you on about?"
"Photo album for your friend?"
"Duh..." (Dalam hati) "Oh yeah! I totally forgot about it already!"

I had stopped thinking about the photo album so I totally missed his point. I tried parking under a shady place but he freaked out about me going to hit the car behind me like I didn't see it, I told him, I don't wanna leave you baking in the car while I'm gone, but that's okay, you never appreciate what I do for you anyway, under my breath, and stomped into the supermart and got the album and came out. He saw me looking around before getting into the car, he asked me why, I said I was gonna get newspapers, he told me, mana ada, cuti CNY ni, lain kali kalau nak keep updated with the news janganlah asyik tgk HBO je. I looked at him and asked him, last night? You were sleeping and do you honestly wanna make that an issue, right this very moment? I was really threatening at the time. Entahlah, I was on a really short fuse. Manalah aku tau takde paper kalau CNY oi!!! Aku tak baca paper, nak tgk Buletin Utama apatah lagi.... It depresses me no end, and I have suicidal tendencies, so I avoid the news. CNN is convenient, but they lie. Come on!

I told him, it was not for me. It's for you. So he quiet down, like he always does when I get mad over him being unreasonable and unappreciative macam tu, and we drove on.

The seafood place at Beringgis was closed. So he went without his last seafood fix. Kesian dia. Tapi in Sipitang, we stopped at my usual eating place there, and when he saw the k@ri kep@la ik@n, teruslah dia order satu with some veggies. We shared it, but he ate most of it. I was not hungry because of the big breakfast I had. And he said, dia takde selera. Aku nak gelak guling2 je dibuatnya. Tu takde selera... kalau ada selera?

He told me, the best thing to do when you have food poisoning is to not eat at all and drink lots of water and glucose mix. I told him when I get food poisoning, unlike him, I can go without food for three days straight. So jangan nak eksyen, ok? Cuz you eat like a ... entah. Takde selera pun, boleh wallop most of the fish head. But the fish head was really good, I'll give him that. Sakit perut pun, rugilah kalau tak makan...

Oh, I found out something about him without him knowing. And I am not gonna tell anyone. I'll just have to let him come out with it when he is ready. And I am not holding it against him. I am sure, good or bad, he feels he needs to do it to be with me.

Di Lawas, there was like two hours before his flight. I took him around town. Got him the Livit@ with honey he'd been wanting since Sipitang. I took him to the mosque and he did his prayers there.

Then we went to the airport. Sat there for a while with the laptop. Showed him the end part of Hot Fuzz, he seemed to like it, cuz he asked me the title. The kids at school liked that movie too.

The white hat, I washed before the trip. Now is shared between us. But I'll keep it here with me. I asked if I can keep it if he doesn't want it. He said, it's not yours, it's not mine, it's shared between us. Corny banget... So I'll be safe-keeping it till our next trip... T@w@u.

When the plane came, I went and sat on the stairs and watched him board and I only left after the plane was in the air and out of sight.

I miss him. I'm happy with the trip, despite the food poisoning he had. I liked taking care of him because that was the only time I feel that I am of any use to him. But to be honest, I don't feel the chemistry.

So for those of you who are wondering when I am gonna get married to him, let me tell you, don't hold your breath. I might not at all. And don't be sad for me, because I am not. He taught me, implicitly, to be okay with missing this one because the next one might just be the one. I can't tell him to buzz off, because he had been so nice to me. I can't possibly say I want out because I know that I am not the right woman for her, because that sounds like I don't appreciate myself sedangkan I really do. But I'm a trailer park girl with a mother whose mouth would make a sailor blush. So I am looking for my trailer park guy. You know how the saying goes; you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl. He hinted that he wants a quiet and composed, motherly person. I appreciate silence and solitude, but when I see something wrong, I have to have my say. I do not appreciate being a wallflower, I am simply not built to be a wallflower. I'm just not the right person for him, and I totally get it.

Aku je yang faham what is going on. For friends, I hope you'll understand and just let things go the way it is and be happy for me. I know, when you ask, it means you are concerned. Tapi you can only answer the same questions the first few times, before it gets old. I just don't know how to tell my mom, cuz she will never understand.

Maybe it's hard to understand how one is opting for a life alone without thinking how pitiful that person is. But it is possible to be on your own and not be lonely. So I really appreciate it if these beloved people in my life can stop pressing me about when I will be getting married, because it is not going to happen any time soon. I might not be lucky in this department, but I am counting my blessings in others. I am not blaming God for anything. I trust that He knows best.

Please, be happy for me, because, although it has nothing to do with him, I extremely am.