torn

Why is it now that I have mentally released him of any liability to be blamed for all the hurt I made myself feel whenever he is unable to follow through with his plans, and consequently, also released him from being tied to me in this strange relationship, I feel no more anger for him, but in its place, I find that I miss him more and more.

Why do I keep doing that to myself?

On a scale of 1 to 5 on the SOM, I am on a 3 today. Which is great. I am on my way to recovery. Malas kan? Tiap kali balik kampung, I have to go through recovery. It's funny how homesickness still strikes after more than 7 years of the routine of going home for the school break and returning here. And the feeling gets worse every year.

The easiest thing to do is, PINDAH LA BALIK KL.

That is all fine and dandy but after all the novelty of 'coming home' is gone, what is there for me in a place that I have left because of the smothering heat and materialism?

Yes, my family is definitely there.... but being with them makes me take them for granted. Things had been more peaceful since I was away. I should keep it that way.

Should I leave for something I am not happy with. Should I stay and feel guilty about everything?

shitty-O-meter

Do I feel better about things for the rest of the day? I don't know. The morning was great. I did my stuff at work. I left at 1.20pm, had lunch and slept the whole afternoon away. I still feel shitty.

Oh it was raining all afternoon. What better thing to do when it rains so hard all day? Sleep, in your cozy bed, under the covers. Oh bliss.

On a scale of 1 to 5 on the shitty-O-meter, with 5 being 'better get the razors out' and 1 being 'I'm on Cloud 10' , I think I am on 4. It is way better than 5, but I had wanted to be at least on a 3 by today. It's been a month.... slowly making its downward spiral.... I wanna go up again... again again!!!!

What is wrong with me? When is this going to be over????

things

Good morning to everyone....

Today I played Rihanna's Umbrella song on the PA system. I think my PK1 is not too happy about that. I don't know... I think it is a good clean song about being a friend 'who'd stick it out till the end". What's so wrong about that? Besides, it is upbeat and I think it would lift up anyone's spirits played in the morning.

It's not the song I think. It's the whole 'playing it on the PA system' thing.

Anyway, I feel good this morning. Let's hope that this keeps up the whole day. I am tired of feeling the way I did the last two weeks. I am a firm believer of the 'faking it' school of thought because I have done it time and time again, and it worked. So today, I am going to fake positivity and cheerfulness in the hopes of fooling my whole sense into believing that I am in fact feeling exactly that way about everything and finally lift up the whole 'feeling shitty about myself and everything around me' thing.

Let's see if it works. I'll keep you posted. Now I have to go do my rounds.

I love myself. The rest of the world can go to h*ll if they have a problem with that.

letting go

In a moment of sheer depression, I have decided this....

There is no use hoping for him to come to me. He has said it one too many times already. He has even made the effort to make it seem real by making that first phone call after 9 months. Like a hope refresher thing.

I was depressed. About I don't know why. I wanted it to be over. As soon as possible. In a good way, in a bad way, I am not too concerned about the how. I just want it to be over.

I also talked to someone online, and he told me that the thing I said or made him believe I said... must have hurt him really bad because it hurts. Especially if it was not true.

I said "I trust you. I trust you with all my heart. But if there is someone else out there who would make you far happier than I can ever make you, please, by all means, go to her."

That was meant to mean that I trust him so much that if there is someone trying to seduce him, I would not blame him at all. And if he decides to leave me for her then it just means he never really wanted me the way he said he wanted me.

So I am hurting. And I can imagine how much I hurt him, writing what I did. I was sad. I was depressed. I was crying. So I sent him a text. I am so sorry. That was all. And with that, I let him go.

I hope he will accept my apology and finally decide it is time to stop playing games with me and walk away.

to sum things up

Like they always say, after a long hiatus...
a lot of things has happened since I last wrote.

I don't remember much of what's happened though. However, I do have tons of photos to remind me of the things that I have done with friends....

1. I attended the course at IAB Genting.
It was great. It was cool. The place was comfortable and peaceful.... felt sort of like an elite rehab center. Not that I have been in any of them. The course was great. The lecturers were engaging. Then there were the fellow coursemates. They were very accommodating. For those who knows me, that is a hard thing to do. I can be a handful. I was elected secretary, and I was surprised at my own promptness in carrying out my responsibilities. So I guess my hard work and promptness sort of balances out my immature and loud self quite well.
There was the jungle trekking.
I seriously thought it was the kind where one would not even break a sweat. Boy, was I wrong. It was a good work out. And at the end of it, I was like panting, out of breath and close to passing out due to lack of oxygen. Ha ha.... it was great. Really. It just proved to me how out of shape I was and how much exercise I will have to do if I wanna make it up Mount Kinabalu. Which was the reason why I have decided to postpone my climb to a later date. Besides, I really do not want to be going there in the same group as the biatch. (Gasp! Yes, there is a BIATCH in my life. It sucks. But life without certain discomforts is not real, so I have learned to accept that.)
Then there was that bench-marking visit to SMK Jalan Cochrane.
It was an amazing 7-story high school (complete with elevators) located somewhere in KL. It was amazing.... maybe because I have been stuck in the middle of nowhere for more that 7 years now, so seeing a good school in the middle of KL can be something amazing. Oh well.... some of the kids loved me. I am so weird. I am a 17-year-old girl trapped in the body of a 31-year-old woman. Oh the pain...

2. Then there was that insane 6am - 9.30pm drive from my town to Semporna, Sabah.
It was insane... because .... I don't know. I thought I'd be too old to drive all the way up there and down again. But then, I was reminded what was so much fun about it. And it was not that hard.
We went to Mabul Island the next day. Went snorkeling. Actually, if you're really serious about it, get a diving license and go SCUBA diving on Sipadan Island. That would be cool. Which what I am planning to do. I think I have already jinxed it by telling you this right now.
And then the next day, we went to tawau before Leaving for KK again.

3. Then there was the 2-week long school holiday last May.
I was at my mom's place. If you know me, you know nothing about the way around KL or whatever. I can drive around it blindly, get lost and find my way again. But that's all I can do. But out of sheer necessity, I learned how to get to KLCC. To meet with and old friend, Irwan, and a new friend, Husaimi the adik-adik kin of guy with a mantap bod nonetheless.
I also learned hoe to get to Concorde Shah Alam. Why? I had too much time on my hands.
If anyone reads this and feels offended that I didn't call them when I was in KL... sorry. Bad habit. Bad, bad, baaaaad habit. No excuse for that. Just a really bad habit.

4. What else is there to tell?
There are other tinier details. But then they are just personal trivia. I don't even remember them. Hah.

Oh, then there is that thing he said about wanting to meet me if we had time. I said, he won't be seeing me cuz he would be busy. He is always ultra busy when he is in KL. I knew he would ever be able to see me. But he pressed on.

He called me that morning at 9.40am. I was still asleep. I slept at 4am the night before. Talked with W after picking her up from work. Oh that.... she likes me to send and pick her up from work when I was home. I guess it is more fun going home with someone at 4 am.

Anyway, in the end we didn't meet.

So now, I am again at a place where I can't help but make assumptions of why he kept saying that there might be a good time for us to meet even when he is fully aware that there would be none.
A. He really meant it and had hoped that there would be a gap where he can meet me somewhere.
B. He might have wanted to show me how much I have hurt his feelings, so he keeps playing this 'tarik tali' thing with me. Playing me like a puppy.

The optimist in me would like to believe in option A with all my heart. And let option B be for all the naysayers. But in my moments of weakness, I too wanted to believe in option B and scream out into the darkness out there that he is nothing but another big fucking asshole.

I am hurt. Over what? His hopefulness that we'd finally be able to meet? Or his callousness in thinking that I might not have the positivity that he has about fucking everything in life?

Maybe I should lighten up and not let little things like this hurt me. I should not let myself be the victim, right?

I do want believe that he is serious about me.

But sometimes, I just want to give up and believe that he is, in fact, that huge, gaping a**hole. It grates at my being, being treated this way.

Can someone please tell me that I am wrong and I should have more faith in God... because I really need someone to tell me what to do at the moment.