sayang

Sometimes, aku rasa nak give up je. Rasa macam nak give up. Rasa je. Tak la nak give up.

Satu benda yang aku sangat risau kebelakangan ni is that I am more aware of the things that come out of my mouth. When I sit by myself and think about it, I realize that I do have a knack to hurt feelings with my wordswithout even thinking or wanting to. Sort of like foot -in-mouth disease lah. So now I am like jadi bukan just aware, dah jadi self-concious. I hate being self-conscious of the things I say, because once that happens, it will take the edge off of me and I will be at a disadvantage. For once, I wish I have an iron will like the Ibles. Because he can say any kind of shit and people will talk about what a trashy human being he is, but he doesn't give a damn.

Petang tadi, as I was finishing my last lesson of the day, I got a phonecall from Kak L. She sounded pretty frantic. Siapa nak hantar Shannon balik? Akak ada kerja sampai petang ni tak dapat balik awal hari ni. Oh... saya pun nak stay back sampai kul 4, SM ada koku, then saya pun ada kerja. Takpe, takpe, kejap lagi saya pegi opis akak.

I end up hantar budak tu balik. Tapi aku singgah kedai beli tali kasut putih baru, and then bawa dia pergi salon. I asked Bernard to cut her crazy hair and color it back to black. It was red. OK? Budak lain kat sekolah tu semua tak suka kat dia sebab perangai dia yang macam tu. Try as I might not to be biased, I can't help but feel a little benci for her sometimes for being the way she is. Can't keep blaming the things around you all the time. Young as you are, you can still think for yourself la.

While waiting for her to get her hair done, I relaced her shoes with the white ones I just bought. She had pink sparkly ones. Fashionable. Very.

Anyway, when it was all done, dia bantai merabak dalam kereta on the way ke rumah dia. Cried quietly in the car. I said, it's just hair, it'll grow. You honestly think you looked so pretty before that? Granted, without the silly tails on the sides of her cheeks, the tufts of hair that stood up at the back of the crown of her head makes her look like she is on constant static electric. But there is nothing to be done there except to wait for it to grow back.

I may not be fashionable, but if you think individuality means copying some Indon artist hairstyle that does not work for you, you have another thing coming, honey.

Sampai rumah dia, I parked my car and got her clothes iron from the backseat while she stomped off down the hill, threw her bag on the ground and mengamuk meraung-raung macam orang meroyan. Masuk rumah and slammed the door. Aku tengok mak dia just tengok dia dengan hairan.

Aku salam mak dia and bagitau tadi saya bawa anak makcik pergi salon, potong rambut and color balik rambut dia. takpe cikgu, saya dah lama pujuk dia color rambut balik tapi dia tak mau. All the while dia meraung and baling benda dalam rumah. Kalau anak aku.... seriously, aku benam-benam dia dalam kolam ikan depan rumah dia tu, kalau dia betul-betul nak tahu who's in charge.

Anyway, aku pulangkan seterika dia yang kena rampas tu and promised her that her books will come tomorrow. And also told her that mulai sekarang, siapa awal dia la amik bawak budak ni pergi sekolah pagi-pagi.

Aku tak benci dia. Aku tahu dia need help even though she doesn't want it. Tapi, takkan nak tunggu dah jadi pelacur 5-6 tahun baru nak sedar...?

Malangnya, dia bukan anak aku. Kalau anak aku, aku dah ganyang cukup-cukup dari kecik so dia tak besar jadi makhluk ni.

Pusat pemulihan akhlak aje tempat budak ni, sebab Bernard from the hair salon pun kata selalu nampak dia jalan-jalan kat pekan dengan lelaki. She needs serious help. Dia dah rosak from sekolah lama dia lagi. Tapi apakan daya? Aku takde kuasa minta mahkamah keluar perintah untuk tempatkan dia di sana sebab dia bukan anak aku.