Sunday, April 19, 2009

aspirations and forgiveness

Adeque-adeque semua...

Sometimes, time changes people and perspectives.

I have met a lot of people throughout my life. And a lot of them have different perspectives of who I really am. Most of them, never ever really see my true self. They could only see only one side of me, because that is the side I choose to show them or, more accurately, it is that side of me that they have forced themselves to see. Most of the time, out of context. I don't blame them. Who has time to get to really know a person when there is so many other things going on in the world.

Here I am, close to my next birthday. I still don't feel this age I am approaching, nor do I know how I should be feeling at this age. I think that's a good thing because it keeps me upbeat and optimistic. I admit that I am still very much immature for my age. But when that is what expected of you, it get very difficult for me to change overnight, without raising any eyebrows, or being labelled a hypocrite. So I am willing to live with this caricature I have made of myself for the time that I will keep on spending here. It's not a very nice feeling, hiding behind this cartoon character. But that is who I am here; to them. As long I am doing my job, I'll be fine. Don't get me wrong. Do you think it feels good to deceive people with this facade I put on when I go to work every day when I go to work? It does not feel good. It's tiring. But just so that people will keep thinking that I am a thick-faced, power-crazed megalomaniac albeit immature at work is very important for me because I don't want anyone to think that I am a weak and sad being who needs to be pitied. I am not another mental welfare case. I am supposed to be the backbone. The driving force, at least for my committee.

It's funny, but some of the things that I feel had been my shortcomings have actually proven to be my best qualities. Through some painful and embarrassing times that I only realize later on. What is that, eh? Is there a definition for it? A word to describe it? To rush through life and only realize what kind of crap I had gotten away with for the way that I am? The way people think I am.

Nowadays, I realize how hurtful to others it can be so now I am more cautious. But being cautious also means that I have to be careful with every word I say, every step I take. That takes a huge chunk of the edge that I have been bravely bearing all this while. Ignorance was certainly bliss, when you know that these hurts heal and will crust over and make that person so much stronger from the experience. Let them hate me. I don't care. I am past that period of my life where I am like an eager puppy wanting, desiring nothing more to have as many friends in my life. Right now, I am just happy with the few that I have. I hope to be able to nurture these relationships, because they were the ones who really knew me from that era when I was still the wide-eyed naivette who is always game for anything that life might throw at me and won't care about how badly I will be scraped in the process. The rest are just space-fillers; people who choose to see me as the monster.

I am not saying I am the lifeline of this place where I am working. But when I look at the people around me, who are supposed to be working closely with me under my committee, when I decide to leave this place, will they still do what they are doing under my committee out of their heartfelt concern of the children of this school? I am not saying that they are not concerned. But I understand the fact that some of the classes are filled with crappy kids who don't give a damn about much, and they are themselves bogged down by other stuff, mainly teaching. But like I have said, what they are facing now is nothing compared to what they will have to brave when it is time for them to move to a new work environment. Rata-rata, the ones who have moved are complaining what kind of crazy working days they have to live through.

Bottomline is, at the risk of me sounding life a self-righteous bitch, will the one taking over from me keep the passion that I have eversince I came here, when it comes to the welfare of these children? And the teachers who teach them.

So, if one day you realize that the people who were once your so-called friends turn on you, don't mind them. They're human. And in my case, they never really knew you true motives. Or lack thereof. Forgive them, even when it is impossible to forget the hurt. Be good, do good and be patient. Because if they were really friends, they will realize what that crap was all about and be your friend again. If not, then they are just co-workers. Colleagues. Just work with them and don't expect too much of that relationship. Because expecting too much of a scarred experience will only hurt you again. Leave it the way it is and let it surprise you.

This entry is a bit all over the place.

To sum it up,

1. Aku doakan bakal pengganti aku boleh buat jauh lebih bagus daripada apa yang aku dah buat selama aku kat sini. Aku tahu aku banyak kelemahan. Itu pasal aku mau pengganti aku orang yang lebih bagus dan dedikasi akan kebajikan dan disiplin pelajar di bawah mereka.

2. Maafkan mereka yang telah menyakiti mu tanpa sengaja, kerana pastinya kau juga telah menyakiti mereka, one way or another.

I think. :-)

5 comments:

Johana Johari said...

i just love you the way u r, no matter how much u changed, just as long as u love me too for who i am in the past, present and future!

Anillynnette said...

I do.

That's why, as we age, it is crucial to keep friends whom we know from way back then, to remind us of who we were and what we are capable of.

I am always grateful for a friend like you.

May the future be brighter for all of us who cherish lifelong friendships.

rya said...

Do you know that you are one of my favourite friend. I love you the way you are. You don't need to change much, and all of us only shows one side to the world, we are each multi-faceted and full of dichotomies that are confusing,that's the way God made us, embrace it. We can not go through life without hurting others, it is just human nature, as long as we realize what we have done is hurtfull and vow to not do it again, that is the best anyone can ask for really.

Love you!

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Anillynnette said...

Thanks Rya... I appreciate what you have said about us being different and showing the world only one side of who we really are.....
You have summed it up all so vry well. Glad to have have a friend like you too....