Tuesday, November 6, 2007


Bila aku tak nak dengar cakap orang, aku dikatakan in denial. But what is wrong in giving someone the benefit of the doubt until proven guilty? Bencilah aku. It's so damned complicated!

Why are we drawn into relationships when we were fine being on our own in the first place only to find that any kind of ambiguity in the relationship will throw us off-balance or leave us questioning the other's commitment in the whole thing and questioning ourselves if we have made a wise decision in finally having the faith for someone to enter your safe zone; your life?

Why? Is the urge procreate that strong? Is it really procreation that is the driving force behind it all?

Aku malas nak fikir ni semua. All I want is to be happy and not be bogged down by all this shit concerning other people.

Maybe I just hate being vulnerable. Maybe I don't trust people. What is wrong being vulnerable, Lina? Well, for starters, when you are vulnerable, it means you are allowing people to hurt you.

What is wrong with being hurt once in a while? Nothing, it just sucks. And the time and effort it takes to heal, I can always invest in something else.

But when you trust someone enough to give him your heart, that tells him that he should be very careful with it. Does it really matter to him? That much? That he would bother to be careful with something that is not his?

Why do we have to 'give' someone our heart when we are in a relationship. Why can't we keep our heart and still love that person?

Apa aku merapu ni?

I am feeling neglected. And a certain silent reader of mine said I am just rafting in Denial. Which is not the river that runs through Egypt.

Fine, granted we can always drop everything and head for the hills the moment we smell something fishy going on. But then where is the struggle in that? And why do I have to listen to him when he himself admits that he does the bastardly thing himself. No offense, dude, I am not calling you a liar or anything.

But really, for the time being, let me take this cruise down De nial if it really is, and when I am sure for having been there myself, I will do the right thing. No, it won't be letting him into my pants.

Sebab... aku tak suka mengikut telunjuk orang. Aku rela tersungkur dan bangun sendiri later on dari dengar kata orang sewenang-wenangnya. Itu pasal la Encik R oi... But thanks for the valuable point of view mu ittew.

And he said I have wishful thinking some more. Dey! This man can make me mad sometimes lah. But then I can't blame him for giving me his opinion on the matter. Siapa suruh aku menggatai bukak mulut bertanya dia ittew inniew in the first place? So, padan la muka akkiew.

Hur hur hur. Aku mengantuk. Ada 3 hari lagi nak puasa. Moga-moga my periods lewat lagi macam biasa, dapatlah aku habiskan puasa 6 aku tahun inniew. Auw!


Belladonna said...

Gittew.. orang boleh bagi opinion, tapi cuma ko yang tau whats the best for yourself. Si Silent reader ni kawan ko ka? Aku confused. Alhamdulillah, rajin betul adik aku ni puasa 6. Aku ni puasa sebulan pun masih tak ganti.. maluuu!!

Anillynnette said...

Hurm... dia kenalan internet jua', a chinese guy. I am open to anything. But kalau aku senang sangat dengar cakap orang and ikut je, nanti aku ni orang kata macam lalang pulak. But when I am steadfast, orang kata in denial pulak. Aku tak serba salah pun. Although I am not 100% sure of what I am having with N, it does not mean that I can't have the courage to remain steadfast. Semua orang ada doubts in everything.

It's not denial. It not wishful thinking. It's being positive.

And I attempted to finish the six days, hari ni sepatutnya hari ke empat, tapi I started my periods lak kul 11.30 tadi. Huhuuhu... Dah overdue pun. Takper lah, maybe next year je.

Aku puasa ni sebab aku rindu dengan perasaan ala-ala detox masa bulan puasa hari tu. Ringan je kepala ni. Nak mula awal sebenarnya. But since I am on meds for the past three weeks, I tak sempat nak mula awal. Hmm.... Melepas peluang.

Jangan la malu-malu. Aku pun bukan baik sangat pon.... huhuhuhu

Anonymous said...

Go figure.

I never said that I don't do the dastardly thing, it's that I don't ever promise myself to others when I'm not available.

Whatever I do outside my marital life I make it clear that it is non-permanent.

Get it clear. You rarely see the guy, he hardly calls, and he expects you to be waiting for him all the time?

I don't do that to people.

Anillynnette said...

By you not doing that to people, does it mean that it would be better for me to fuck around as long as I do not promise myself to anyone, than just let things go the way it has been going which had not been that big of a problem anyway?

Gosh, all I asked you were some shit, so now you think you can tell me how to live and handle things?

He lives in Kuching and he runs someone else's business. I have never expected him to drop everything and fly to see me every time I feel like he should. He doesn't call all the time, so what? I don't call him either. Does everyone have to spend hours on the phone talking nonsense just so a relationship should work. If yes, who the hell made that stupid rule? He or she must own Maxis or Celcom, then. And he never asked me to wait for him. What made you have that impression? Just because I said something silly about how I see the way things are going? Gosh, you have so little faith in anything but money, I guess.

Why do I bother explaining things to the likes of you? I know how thick-headed you are, still I bother.

Get it right, Mr R. Don't let this get in the way of our knowing each other thus far.

I don't remember telling you NOT to do the dastardly thing as you call it, and while I think you care about me, in some strange online way, please be happy in knowing that if this does not work out the way I wanted it, it is my life that I have ruined and no other's.

It's my life, let me ruin it the way I see fit.

You can gloat all you want when I am done and end up rotting in a pool of my own tears. But then, friends don't do that. But then again, were we ever?