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my thoughts exactly

When I write, it's hard not to get all emotional and get my ideas written the way I want it to be written. I've been thinking about this one for a long while.

Thursday October 9, 2008

Why do men take second wives?

A WRITER'S LIFE
By DINA ZAMAN

Polygamy has nothing to do with culture or religion. Men, and women too, cheat because they can.

WHEN a male friend told me he planned on taking a second wife, all I could do was try not to choke on dinner. Are you serious, I asked. He said yes, he had fallen in love with a single mother, but it was not his fate to marry her.

Thinking it was perhaps due her compassion, her earnest desire to bring up her sprogs in a Godly way and that life was indeed a struggle, I choked on my dessert when my friend told me the first thing he noticed about her was that she owned a great set of jugs.

Now, my friend takes his religious obligations very seriously. His first wife wears the hijab. So to hear him admit that it was his paramour’s cleavage that caught his heart was quite shocking.

It was due to women like me, whose so-called Western, secular and feminist ideas of polygamy that pushed it underground. I then asked him, whether his equally-pious wife agreed to him taking on another wife, and he said no. She gave him an earful.

But our friend was on a roll. Now that his journey into polygamy was thwarted, it was all our fault. We modern Malay women, be they religious or not, were forcing men like him to marry in Thailand or Iran, where they practised nikah Muta’ah.

He was emulating the steps of our good Prophet Mohamed, he argued.

“You have got your Islamic history upside down! Nabi married war widows, and his first wife was older than he. Aishah was the youngest. And I don’t think our Prophet married any woman because she had great breasts!”

“You don’t understand.”

“Okay then. Why don’t you sell your car and take a camel to work then?”

I’m realistic. I know men who adore their wives and love them to bits, but they can still love their mistresses and other wives. Am I condoning affairs and polygamy? No. But this happens. It has nothing to do with Islam or being Malay, though polygamy is part of the culture.

We’re Asians. We have a long history of concubinage. There are good men who are faithful, and there are good men who have other wives. There are also bad men who are faithful and also bad men who are unfaithful.

Just like our politics, love in Malaysia is a circus. Weeee!

I’m not going to bore you with what polygamy in Islam is about, as it has been written before and talked about to death. Women’s rights activists have long fought for this “crime” to be illegal, but we face a tough fight. Sometimes it’s not the men who are itching for it, but yes, our gender, too.

In the 80s, when I was young and clueless, meeting mistresses and second or third wives would be sinful and against my principles.

These days? “Oh, you’re a mistress?” “Oh, you’re a hidden wife?” Yawn. Wear tudung or mini skirt, got. Educated or stupid, got. Some of our mothers are The Other Women, and are good mothers. So how?

Is this phenomenon particular to our culture? Oh no. Read the British newspapers. Mistressing is talked about to death in feminist columns.

But I thought after that dinner with my friend, I’d revisit the issue again. Some of the findings from my five-sen survey:

> Theoretically ... polygamy is OK. But must ikut hukum Allah lah. There are conditions.

> Ya, but… actually, kan, for career women like us, it does work. Nak jaga laki 24 jam … gue tak larat la. Biar bini nombor satu jaga. After all, in Islam, polygamous wives are taken care of legally. Better a Muslim second wife than a common law wife.

> But really. Think about it. Convenient, what. You see him once a week, makan once a week, have sex once a week...

> Sex once a week?! Baik tak yah jadi bini nombor dua macam tu! Chit. Once a week mana cukup?!

Why do men cheat? Again, just an observation dwelled upon by friends and myself. For a lot of polygamous men, they marry good women who fit their criteria of holiness, wifeliness and motherhood.

Intimacy between the men and their wives are perfunctory. It’s make-the-baby-cover-the-face sex. With their girlfriends and second wives, it’s Penthouse all the way, baby. It’s the soul thing.

At least this is what I got from talking to quite a number of married men. It’s not because of the first wives’ lack of trying; they want to have healthy intimate lives, but the bees in their husbands’s bonnets keep reminding the men of the Madonna-Whore syndrome.

Malaysia is not a place for single women desiring Hollywood-movie type of marriages and love. KL especially is a city for marriages and affairs. And it has nothing to do with money. There are rich men who cheat, and I know of a despatch boy who has two wives!

There are many single-again women like my friends and I, who still believe in marriage and love. But I can tell you, should we walk down that path again one day, we’re going down it with our eyes open and keep a part of our hearts to ourselves. Because you never know.

Perhaps my friend, an activist who makes a living entering and staying in war zones, is right.

“We have women like you, me, your mother, your aunt and friend who fight so hard for women and children and yet face a brick wall, simply because we ‘understand’ so much, and forgive all the time, which is why cheating, affairs and polygamy are rampant, to the detriment or contribution (depends how you look at it) of our well-being,” says my friend.

Another friend, Sharizal Sharaani, put it succinctly: “Men (and, yes, women too) cheat because they can. Full stop.”

The writer still believes in love and marriage and wants to move to Corfu.

So true, sister, so true...

Click here for the real article

uhuhuhuhu...

Ala, keciannya ada owang tu kecik ati ke kita cakap macam tu? Jangan la kecik ati, awak. Kalau awak, nak singgah, masuk je... nak kata apa pun, katalah... kita tak mawah la awak...

Hugs!

cuti-cuti

This entry is for me. Don't waste your time reading it. In fact, don't waste your time stopping by here at all.

Sebelum raya, on the way to KK to the airport, after the bridge in front of that school, I fell asleep. A month without caffeine had proven to be very bad for me. Puasa, no coffee at all. I only take coffee in the morning and none after 2pm for fear of not being able to sleep. A while after uni, caffeine has a stronger effect than it used to be. During uni, I had so much of it, it didn't work anymore.

Anyway, I kept falling asleep on the way home from school. Several times. It got so bad sometimes that I had to ask my friend to drive half-way.

That day, I fell asleep all the way. In the middle of the day. I only woke up after my chin touched my chest. And just when I heard my friend next to me gasp and turn the steering wheel to the other side. I was startled, still drowsy, I have no idea where to turn the wheel, so I just turned it, overcompensating. The car was already driving into the ditch on the left side of the road. When I over compensated, it turned to the other side and wanted to go into the ditch on the other side. I I turned the wheel again and again it's going into the ditch on the left side of the road again. In the panic, I totally lost count of how many times I turned the wheel. But after the three times that I could remember, I managed to get the wheel straight, and while the car still fish tails its way on the road, I braced my arms and hoped that the car would stabilize. And I didn't even think about pushing the breaks. All the while, my only thoughts were getting into the ditch is not an option, because I have a 4.25 pm flight to catch in KK and I wanted to see my family for Eid.

I also remember seeing the awe in the face of this uncle on his old motorcyle, moving towards me, he slowed down of course, seeing this crazy silver car swerving here and there like a bat out of hell. Looking into the rearview mirror, I could see the red pick up which had been maintaining speed not too far behind me, slowing to a crawl.

I wonder what they had seen. It must have been a funny sight. It must have been like seeing a car with a drunk driver being beaten by a jealous girlfriend or something.

It was funny, now that it was alsmost two months past. There was Z and TSE with me. I asked them how I felt, they told me they didn't feel anything. I guess it happened in such a short while, that the brain did not have a chance to register it and respond.

As long as we were safe, I don't really car about how I felt that time.

A good weekend last week. We had fun.

Nov 3
Letter to attend Stress Management course in Kuching. Only one available to go. Text him.

Nov 4
Still trying to find someone else to go.

Nov 5
Failed. Went to Kuching. He picked us up at the airport. I was already in the car with him when Wilson texted me. I am so thoughtless. He offered to turn around and pick em all up. I said ok, he did. Dropped us off at the hotel.

Was supposed to go out later in the evening. But ice-breaking took all night. Cancelled.

Nov 6
He flew to Miri. Supposed to go to LWY later and wait for me there. But decided to forgo LWY and just go to KK and wait for me there because he really does hae business to attend to. Relatives to see, things to order.

Nov 7
Course over. Took a 12.35pm flight back to Miri. 4.35pm connecting to LWY. Got there 5.55pm. Took a taxi home, unpacked, repacked, showered, dressed. Drove to KK. Still kept the 2.5 hour record. He texted, saw the new Bond movie. Thought to myself, why couldn't he have waited? Takpe, I will see it alone tonight, I'll catch the midnight show.

Arrived at my hotel, checked in. Showered. Called him. He was asleep. But he answered. I guess he really was expecting my call. Went out for dinner. Surprised I checked into my hotel instead of calling him first. Like I was supposed to ask him to pay for my hotel room. He should, but I was not in the mood to ask.

Too early to sleep. Got tickets to see the Bond movie. Waited for it to stat at 11.30, went to Anjung Senja. Had a durian. It was lousy. Went to see the new Bond movie. With him. Padan muka dia. Good thing he loves Bond movies. Dropped him off at his hotel. Went back to mine. Went to bed.

Nov 8
Woke up early. At 4, at 5, at 6. Can't go back to sleep anymore by then. Got up, showered, prayed, made up, blow dried my hair. He said he wanted to spend the whole day on the road going somewhere with me. He called at 7. He'd be ready in 20 minutes. He text me again later saying he is waiting in the lobby. I finished dressing up, packed up and checked out. Was there in 10 minutes.

Drove to Kudat. Went to The Tip of Borneo again, for the second time. We took some pictures. Drove back to KK. Went to the airport to sort out some ticket issues. Went to the ac service shop. Booked rooms at a hotel while waiting. Checked into our hotel. Went out again for dinner. Seafood galore. Went to Tanjung Aru. Stayed out late. Came back pooped and full. Went to bed.

Nov 9
Drove back to LWY after breakfast and jalan-jalan at the Sunday market at Gaya Street. Went to look for some turtle eggs. I got some cakes from Secret Recipe for Mimi and the girls. Stopped at Beringgis for some more seafood. Drove to LWY. Went straight to the airport. He got himself on an earlier flight out to Miri. Waited with him at the cafe. He said why don't you come along to Miri with me, give me your ic. That would be nice, I said. But I do have to show up for work tomorrow even if there is no more lesson to be taught. It's ok. Keep the map. We'll go next time I come over. OK. His flight left at 3.45pm.

Aku tak tahu what to make of it.

dragons

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