Dream

I want to meet him. I want him to want to meet me. So we can talk about things. So we can come to a decision even he said he was not making any decision.

So I left him alone.

It has been five months now. I never text him first. I'll only reply. The last few said he will be in my town around school holiday. He didn't promise. I had my hopes too high. I cancelled my plans. I left the week open for him.

Then he text me telling me that he can't be in my town around that time after all. He'll only be here around the end of the month instead.

I took a deep breath and told myself not to lash out in anger. But I can't help but think to myself whether he really does want to see me. I didn't reply his text. It made him frantic. I had to reply his third text in three days. I didn't have the heart to let him suffer.

The results are out and he has to handle some things back at the office. I was disappointed. But that is not a strong enough reason to hate him. He has to work.

So I spent my week at the office doing scholarship stuff, preparing for a meeting in Miri on March 22nd.

In my heart, I know, sooner or later that day will come. I must have patience.

Wouldn't be wonderful if, when that day comes, I can split his skull in two. For reasons beyond my grasp, I am feeling very angry. I feel that he is toying with me.

I have never needed any man. What makes him think I need him that badly that I am willing to tolerate this?

I keep saying that. Is it really necessary for him to be like this? Am I psychotic to always believe that people really do go out of their way just to hurt me?

Simple. He is not trying to hurt me. He just needs to get his work done.

Will he ever get done? When? When he is too old and tired? That would be too late. By then, I might have a boyfriend outside. One who adores me.

Threatening to do things, but never had the guts to do it. Am I spineless?

I just don't want to ruin things like I always do. I wreck everything. I have been nothing but trouble all my life. Maybe I should stop being so self-centred and try to commit to making my relationship work.

So, here I am. Ready to spend the rest of the week at home, or at the office. I was going to Limbang with Z and meet up with another friend and go for a picnic at a sweet spot near the creek in the next town. Then have that meeting with my boss on Monday. Leave for Miri on the 21st, attend the scholarship meeting and come home on the 23rd.

Guess what I got this afternoon.

A letter saying I have to attend a 2-week long course in Genting, March 18 - 30. Right around the time he will be here.

What is this?

A little test from God? I am not questioning it. I am just amused by the irony.

The thing is, I have always had the feeling that I am protected by some unseen entity.

Most people I know tell me that N is trouble. He will be the source of my worst heartache. For those closer to me, they have been very supportive. They know I want this. They know it is time for me to know what it means to be in a stable relationship. To feel safe with someone. To share something profound.

But I have been having doubts since the first day. If there is one thing that pisses me off is when a man plays with a woman's feelings just for kicks. Is he doing that to me? That is my biggest doubt.

I am used to waiting. I have waited for most of the things in my life. When it is meant to be, I will get it, eventually. Naturally or by efforts on my part. When it is not meant to be, it will simply not happen.

As mundane as it seems, that is how I think the protection mechanism works; I just have to wait.

If it is really meant to be, if he is not the threat to my happiness that most of my friends think he is, he will be that part of my life that has been missing. If not, he will just disappear and I will be fine.

J had a dream. In her dream, there was me; the one who has had very bad luck with love. Had I suffered? I don't know. It's her dream, not mine. But in the end, I died. It's a dream she had around 5.30 am. Does that mean anything to anyone?

I have never put much thought in the things I dream about. They are too twisted, and they never come true. And most of the time, I would have forgotten what I dreamed about by the time I am awake again. I just see it as the brain rebooting for the next day's assignments. They never come true.

What if hers does?

On a happier note, I am going to Genting for two weeks for a course in managing students affairs. It is a long-awaited course. I am so excited and in my excitement, I forgot that it is the school holiday and I planned to have the air tickets be set for Saturday when I can actually fly home Thursday or Friday so I can spend a few days at home before going for the course. Isn't it the coolest thing?

I'll miss my room.

DQ

I wrote J a letter earlier... I was almost done when I was distracted by the television. Then the cat walked on the laptop and she deleted the page. If I had my way, I would have grilled the stupid cat.

I don't mind having to write the letter again. I just don't like having to write the same thing again because then the impact is gone.

Well, I am gonna try anyway.

That dream is so bad. But I have never had any faith in dreams. Nothing I dreamt ever came true. Have yours? If they have... then maybe I am in trouble. Hehe...

As for the things J discussed with A, I am for one thankful to have a friend like Jwho loves me just the way I am, and through her, have the respect from A for the person that I am.

I have always had a problem fitting in, especially when I was in secondary school. Those were my difficult years. But back then, there were no counsellors for me to run to so she can tell me that it is okay to be different even when everyone hates me for being me. You can just imagine the things I had to tell myself so that I would not go crazy in that school. All I knew, I was put there by my parents for reasons beyond my comprehension, so the best I could do was be a good daughter, stay, stay out of trouble and finish school... hopefully with good results. And I did just that. And I have no idea how I passed SPM. I never really studied. So I put all the credit to my parents, who prayed to God to their very last drop of energy so a quack like me can pass through school safe and sound.

I am also glad that the 5 years spent at that school did not ruin me. It did not break me, by way of making me change myself for the sake of the fake acceptance by people I can't even pretend to like.

Only in uni did I find my place. I am glad I met you there. That is where I realized that there was nothing wrong with me. I was just mixing with the wrong kind of people.

I am glad that I never fell for the lemming ideals of the mass. Today, I am happy with who I am. Don't get me wrong. I am far from perfect. I wish I am better with money. But the rest of me, the good and the bad, I have been able to embrace. There are days when I hate myself for being born. But then there are also days when I know with great conviction that I came into exsitence for a purpose. I am still looking. But I am not complaining. I am just enjoying the journey and along the way, I try to help the ones in need... sometimes even when they don't need my help.

Haha!

I know me. I am happy with me. Me is far from perfect, but I'll make do. If there is anyone out there who doesn't, why should I care? That is not my problem.

I have prided myself for being a little eccentric in my ways, if not crazy. And most of the time, I attract crazy people. So far, I have had 5 crazy people in my town who fell in love with me. Ain't that funny? Well, I will just take that as a compliment.

People say crazy people are blessed because they will be spared from the fires of hell. Special beings, maybe. So maybe they are the only ones who can see what is so special about me? Or are they simply preparing me to enter their loony world myself? Hahaha....

And perhaps that eccentricity that attracts people to me. And I do attract weirdos. I am not saying that I am special. I know I am not. Just that sometimes, the kinds of people who swarm at me simply baffles.

So yes, I am looking for that guy who can handle the crazy part of me. Mom was lucky she had dad. Will I be as lucky?

The DQ that I am only wants someone who loves me and adores me. Is that too much to ask?