stumped

Am I afraid of commitment?
Hell, no.

Do I have daddy issues?
I have no idea. But I don’t think so.

Do I talk too much, but too scared to take the plunge myself?
I guess. But I need to vent. Plunge myself into what?

Should I get a life?
I have one already. I might not be too hot for it, but I am okay with it for the time being.

Do I hate men?
*sigh*
No. I don’t hate them. I used to want to be like them. Not the sexual part of it. I used to want to be like them in terms of being strong, courageous, adventurous, independent, dependable and stable. Not anymore since I realized I can do all that and still be a lady.
It just f*cks me up when they start pointing fingers at us when something bad happens in a relationship like they are 100% blameless.
I don’t claim that women aren’t to blame at all. Some are really f*cked up and deserves to be impaled and put on display. But most of the women I know have made enough sacrifices in their lives to grant them the love and understanding of the men around them. That’s all.
Yeah, I do get all worked up when I think you’re being unfair to us because God never made a perfect man or woman so we’d need each other, no matter how much we hate each other’s guts sometimes. So quit pointing fingers at us women.

Am I desperate?
For a miserable long-term relationship with a man who doesn’t love me?
No.
For a stable long-term commitment that will grow and grow into something better and better with a man who had the patience to deal with me and all my craziness and jumbo-sized everything but at the same time have the willingness and courage to tell me that I am f*cked up and need to get my sh*t in order and be with me through the tough times even if all he could do was being silent?
Yes. But he’s taken. I can’t have that. But I’m still alive, so I am not rushing anything.

What’s going on?
Nothing. That’s the problem. It exists, but it’s not alive. Why am I bothering?

I am super marah and super benci about something but I can’t reach the dénouement because someone wishes to be a tree stump instead of being what he should be.

whatever

Would it be fair if I say this; that women marry mostly for the regular attention and affection from the opposite sex.

Other than produce asexually, women don’t need much from men. Well, I am aware of the fact of men reserve the same right as women, where apart from propagating the species and being fond of having a soft naked form snuggling close to them after a good session, they don’t really need women around. They find a lot of the female quirks irritating most of the time, but strangely still feel drawn to us when the urge strikes. Other than as something to play with and something to show off to the rest of the losers, they don’t really need women either.

They’re only proud of their female counterparts and get possessive when they are presentable or look far better than the rest of the crowd. Just look at the way of most married Malay men when they go out with their wives who had gained a few pounds and not really bothering about appearance; they’ll always maintain a distance of approximately a meter and a half from the wife, ahead of them, usually. What, with that pot belly and balding head, is distancing yourselves from your not so attractive wives, going to increase the probability of hot young things to be attracted to you? You’re ashamed of the goods you yourself have willingly helped damage in the first place and didn’t really make any half-assed attempt at fixing them up again… The irony.

What’s wrong with PDA* in public when and if you have endured a long-lasting, loving and fulfilling marriage? FYI, that is actually something to be proud of. Not the shameless hand-holding and groping in public when you’re newly in love, with all those hormones raging and, when even the fart smells like blooms in spring, not even knowing if it would end with a wonderful and lasting marriage or a botched attempt at abortion.

That’s easy. Too easy.

Hey, don’t get your panties all in a bunch. I didn’t say all the men I knew is like that. My dad wasn’t like that. My eldest brother isn’t like that. I would like to say the same about my second older brother if I ever saw him out with his ex. These women they married, aren’t exactly cut outs of models in a magazine. But they made the effort to look good. My mom is a huge but well-kept and well-dressed woman. By well-kept, I meant to say that she eats well, and the genetics didn’t hurt, so she looks younger than her real age. And she was never sloppy. I don’t think dad ever held her hand when they went out, but he always makes sure that she’s close. And I bet the jealousy-triggered rants under his breath never stopped amusing my mom.

The same goes for my two brothers and their wives. I don’t see them holding hands either, probably would be too much in front of me I guess. But they never walk too far apart when they go out and they make contact like couples should.

I’m not blaming men or women for anything. We’re just built the way we are. Some are willing to make accommodations, some don’t.

It all boils down to the chemistry and respect for each other. Love someone enough to acknowledge their rights and respect those rights. Women should not be complacent and men should not be assholes. Reaching the comfort zone is no excuse to let go. You can’t help losing hair if that’s what runs in the family, but you can help yourself from being an asshole, because it’s not really a genetic trait. The same goes for being a bitch. You can’t help developing blubber after a few kids if that’s what runs in the family and you can’t afford a personal trainer and nutritionist, but you can help from being sloppy, because that is not a genetic trait either.

It’s not the PDA, really. I just don’t see how men and women can marry and be together for long if they both want totally different things. They’d always say for the sake of the kids. Hey, kids are resilient beings. As long as you don’t keep chewing off each other’s ass every time you cross paths, and make sure the alimony is updated, I don’t think it would bother them too much having two families instead of one.

Come on… it’s just easier to gain pity from unsuspecting naives if you’re stuck in a so-called loveless marriage than if you decide that it is time to be independent and cut off the tethers that’s been preventing you from soaring higher.

Or is divorce simply too expensive, especially when it is with a vindictive spouse? So instead of preparing for that ugly battle, why not invest in the nurturing process more?

Affection and attention; those are the only things I really need in a relationship. I don’t think that is too much to ask of anyone who is willing to invest his time and emotions in a long-term and fulfilling relationship. The rest of it will come with the O&D** Package that usually comes with matrimony.

I just need some attention and TLC. Otherwise I can just forgo the whole relationship thing. Honestly, I do get lonely sometimes, but not THAT lonely to want to be miserable in an unhappy long-term relationship with anyone.

No, not THAT lonely.

*Public Display of Affection

*Obligation and Devotion Package

resolution schmolution

Why do people have new year resolutions? Is it because the new year also brings with it the feel of a fresh take on life? A new beginning? Another chance to make life and things better? What happened to the rest of the previous year? You spent it continuously screwing things up for yourself and the people around you, thinking that the year couldn't have ended any sooner than it did? wondering why is the new year taking so long for you to fix thing?

I don't have a new year resolution. It's a Roman new year anyway. And because I don't have to wait for a new year for a new slate.

skip

My heart does not skip a beat anymore when thoughts of him cross my mind.

It's not that I don't want this anymore. I do. But then I don't know why I am still here when he's been long gone. He said he is not making a decision, but then it's been months. If I am bad for him, why would he want to go one with this? If I am not, why punish me like this?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I just don't know.

But my heart does not skip a beat anymore when thoughts of him cross my mind.

grater

I get mad at people when they trivialize something I consider a big deal. It is okay for me to stomp all over that person for making that grave mistake, but what do I do when that person is my intended?

I was mad, frustrated, confused. Naturally, that will make someone quite unhappy, wouldn't it?

N told me that we can choose how to feel every morning. He chooses to be happy all the time because that is the pact he makes with himself everyday. To be happy and enjoy everything that life has to offer. There is nothing wrong with that. I second him.

But then, schizophrenics cannot choose not to hear voices in their heads. The depressed cannot help having suicidal tendencies. Drama Queens can't help be overwhelmed by their emotions in public places. Oh God forbid. I am none of these. Thank God.... Uhuh. Keep telling yourself that, Lynette.

Most days, I wake up undecided on how I'd feel that day. And when I look at that puffy face with crusty eyes and bed head, I do feel like throwing myself back in bed and spend the day wallowing in self-pity. Oh the world is a cruel place, blah-de-blah-de-blah...

But I step into the shower anyway. I scrub myself clean anyway. I wash the crust from my eyes anyway. I rub the calluses away with pumice anyway. And I brush my teeth anyway.

Then I will find myself wrapped in the fluffy white towel N gave me, plunked on my bed . With the fan full blast in my face, I apply my war paint. Then I will get dressed. Then I will admire what a masterpiece I am that morning and I am ready for anything. Anything!

And true to my words, days spent at work is perhaps the best days of my life. Don't get me wrong, I am not a workaholic. But when you love your job so much, it is like going out to play.

I am truly blessed in a sense that this organization is a tiny one and every member is a part of a family. We know each other and sometimes, we feel each other. We miss people who goes away, we cherish those who stay. And our clients has definitely improved throughout the years. I had a great relationship with my old boss, but with the new boss, it is better if not the same. And the co-operation I get from the people under me, makes me wanna present them with knick knacks from Tiffany's. Well, maybe if ever I can afford that.

But really, I am blessed.

But with all that blessings and happiness and contentment, how would one feel when a man decides to barge into your life and turn it all upside down and leave you at the first signs of the wild fire that is slowly burning away beneath the surface, waiting for that tiny crack for it to burst into flames?

I am happy where I am. I am independent. I am happy making people around me happy. I want to have a happy life with someone. But I don't want a happy but boring life. I want sparks. I want debates. I want quiet drives on a lonely road. I want to read a book on a picnic with his head on my lap, near a crystal clear creek. I want to feel his presence even with my eyes closed. I want to be spellbound. I want to be awestruck. I want most of the things mom and dad had. I want fire.

So when he decided for us that we are meant to be together, but then changed his mind when I am all ready to make that jump out of the plane into the wide open sky, how do I tell myself that it's okay to be happy despite everything?

It's okay that he had irresponsibly made me believe that extraordinary things do happen and it can definitely happen to someone like me. Then changed his mind and left me in the dust wondering what hit me?

I don't want to keep loving and missing someone who doesn't love me anymore!

I tried to figure out what he was trying to tell me. I couldn't. We text, we e-mail, but there was no communication. He talks to me like I am one of those people needing his motivational speech stuff when I needed him to talk to me like someone who once had feelings for me.

K told me not to let the situation turn me into a victim. Then I understood.

I had fun while it lasted. Why turn it into a nightmare, when it was a helluva fun-filled roller coaster ride? At least I know that the man of my dreams do exist and I was not crazy for conjuring him up in my mind after all.

It's been 3 months since we last talked on the phone and almost 4 months since we last met. I am ready to let memories of him go now.


He text me this evening. He asked me if my account is working again. How do I tell him that I don't need his e-mail to tell me that he can't handle me?

It's difficult to love me. I know that. I have accepted that fact about me. I am all things wonderful as a friend, but as a lover, I can be the worst monster. Because when people get too close, I kick, I bite and I push. I push them away so they won't see the mess I really am. I feel guilty for luring them into me when I know I am not ready for the kind of commitment they want me to have with them. I am incapable of loving unconditionally because I question everything. Nobody can or want to handle that in a woman.

So what if I am going to spend the rest of my life alone? Don't stop me in a restaurant on the way to the buffet table just to tell me that I will be such a waste to want to live the rest of my life alone in a god forsaken village somewhere in the thickets of Borneo. I know that already.

It grates at my core to be told that I can choose how I feel by someone who was the reason for my heartache.

Well, I choose to be bitchy and angry and crazy. So shut it.

quitting

You know what the problem is with some people? They want it when they don't have it, and when they do, they forget what they wanted it for. And that is the kind of problem I have, sometimes.

I didn't have a blog before and I was happy just being a reader. I write my own thoughts in a pretty book and wonder what it would be like to be able to put the things I have written in there out there in cyberworld. I have always thought that I won't be doing it. And it wasn't until a couple of years later that I decided that it is okay to open myself up a little on the internet.

So here it is, a blog. It's been a week since I updated my entries. And I am running out of steam. Look at this entry for example. I began with two paragraphs of nothing.

My Monday was great. I started out fasting. But then later in the morning, I was reminded that we were all throwing a farewell party for A and C because they will be leaving us on Friday. I am so glad that they get to transfer back to their hometown and at the same time, because there aren't so many lucky couples as they are.

I decided that I will break my fast just so I can celebrate that day with them. So I went to the party. There were some speech, there were some gift giving and then there was open floor. My boss said something. Kak L sais something how when you work hard the two of them, you will see result etc. T said something. I wanted to say something so much, but I am reminded that I have a problem controlling my emotions. So I laughingly said to A that I will just write her a letter later on. Besides, I will be able to say all that I want to say to her as precisely as I want to. She was one of the 7 who came here back in 1999.

There is not explaining it. I can write and express myself well in writing. But when it comes to making a heartfelt impromptu speech for just about anything, I will be overwhelmed by my emotions, so much so that I will be sobbing and crying my eyeballs out and get my nose all stuffed and all this will reduce me to nothing but a blabbering blob of mucus. Who needs that at a party? I don't.

So, what would have been a 5 minute speech about how much fun we had when we all first got here all 7 of us back in '99, and how she is a fun-loving, warm and giving person, ended with just a wave of the hand and a silly explanation about my so-called problem peppered with some nervous laughter. I wish I could.

But then, I do think that letter will be far better than what I could have said that day. I will be able to get my thoughts in line and what I want to say to her is personal, no one else should hear it. Not at a party where people will brush off a genuine tear that comes from the sense of loss of a long-time friend with nervous laughter let out in unison. Besides, it's better that way because she will have that letter to keep.

Had a brief meeting with all the admin people. And then there we discovered a small glitch, due to miscommunication. And I had that angry look on my face. I was disappointed with someone in the committee. He is a good worker, but a very bad communicator. I have explained things to him on how he should notify me on things, but he keeps not doing that. Sometimes I can have a baseball bat so I can actually hit it home, literally.

Then I got a text message from Kak L that night, sounding like she was sorry that she keeps disappointing people in whatever she does at work.

I told her that no one was mad at her for anything and she is doing fine. She should be strong because we need her to be that way. We cannot have a quitter as one of the heads of our department. The decisions she has made so far had been right. She should not listen to what these people say. I remember a saying about leaders. Sometimes, it can be lonely being up there. She has to accept the fact that once she is up there, there are decisions that she has to make that makes some people hate her guts. What she needs to realize is that, the bottomline is, it is for the greater good. Besides, would they know what to do if they were put in her shoes? How would they know when they have no idea of the kind of shit Kak L has to go through straightening out all the mess and screw ups of the past management. I know she can do it, because she has been doing a pretty darn good job so far.

I wish I can tell her that everyday, but I am not big on praising people too often or unnecessarily, because I didn't grow up being fed with praises. Everything I do today, I do for the sense of responsibility and the enjoyment and fulfillment I derive knowing that I did a good job. And no one can take that fact away from me.

I wanted to tell her that it is okay if she wants to move away from there, but don't do it because she gave up.

Tuesday was a power-charged day. At least for me it was. I had all that day to myself so I spent it in my office getting my filing system in order and tracing letters that has been lost under the piles of documents and junk. I am very bad at filing things away. But I am going to do my very best not to be slack about it this year. Yes, one of my New Year's resolution is to be better at maintaining a systematic filing system for my department. Darn it, somehow I feel that makes me sound like an anal spinster. Well, I am a spinster by some standards, but I am definitely not anal.

Then the head of one of the committees under my department has requested that he is taken off the responsibility. My boss called me over to his office to sort that out.

The story goes, I think, is that the poor guy is feeling unappreciated. His work had gone past unnoticed. Believe me, we do notice it, but like I said, I am just bad ad praising people even when I know that we live in a world where praises is a good motivational tool.

I'd type it all out here, but then I am already sleepy. What I remember is I asked him to forget about what has happened because there is nothing he can do about it and no one can change what has happened. He should start over with everyone from now on. To help him, I will try to sort some matters with someone under him whom he is having some problems with. It was all just a big misunderstanding. And before we adjourned, I told him, he can choose between being a success or a failure, it is in his hands, but quitting should not be included in the equation.

Come to think of it, I am a bit harsh that Monday. I was disappointed that despite my best effort and coaxing, someone still failed to communicate with me and that is such a vital information. I was mad. But I meant every word I said because I want everyone to understand my situation if I am caught not knowing these little facts kept from me due to some stubborn mule's mistakes.

And Tuesday was also a time when I go jogging. I have stopped for more than 4 years so it is about time that I start again. It was not much really, the first few times. Do you know how hard it is to start doing something you have left for so long? It burns baby! I was anticipating our sessions, but that day Z stepped into my office already changed, but looking quite yellow. She staggered inside.

"Kak.... ada benda nak makan tak?" she half whimpered.(Is there anything I can eat?)

"Why? What happened?" I was surprised that she looked so weak.

"I need something to eat, I am so hungry, I am shaking"

If anyone knows this medical condition, please tell me. She had lunch. And that was just 4 in the afternoon. Why is she shaking from hunger already?

Luckily, I had T tapao me some rice with tom yam during lunch, but I was too busy to eat so the food was still on my desk untouched. I told her she can have it, so she ate it up. She didn't finish it, though.

Then we drove home. It was a little bit of a let down because I really am aiming to be more disciplined about it this year and have set Tuesdays and Thursdays for running. But that's okay. No reason to beat myself up about it. I could have run alone, but then, where's the fun in that, eh?

Then I got a message from N.

He asked me if my new account is working properly and if I have received his e-mail, sent on Sunday.

I replied; Just hit the Reply button. Left the computer online the whole weekend. Nothing from you.

He said texted back; Hmm maybe it didn't get through.

I texted; I guess so. Some mundane detail of my life, and ended it with a Take care.

Today, was another great day. Why? I don't exactly know. But I think because for a few days, I am released from my madness. My madness comes every month. For three of the four weeks, I will be taken over by the madness. The one week that I am free of it, I can totally concentrate on my work and clients. That gives me a sense of fulfillment. Maybe that is why this week has been great one so far.

How will tomorrow be? I hate to hope, but I do hope it will be better than today.

closure

I lost my e-mail account last Sunday. I was upset.

I have had it since my uni days. That was probably back in the 90's. There was a report of abuse, and before I could rectify the mistake, I found that I could not log on to my account anymore.

What made me the saddest was that I had also lost all N's letters. They were packed with lessons. I wish I had listened to a feeling in my gut that I should have moved them into my hard disk a few days before. But I have never had any problems with that account before, I didn't foresee such an occurance. Damnit!

So now I have opened a new account. I have lost most of my old contacts that was in the old e-mail that was closed by Yahoo!.

Life does not end with a closed e-mail account.

to be or not to be

Sometimes, I wonder what makes me go on doing this to myself.

I don't feel his affection towards me anymore and I doubt that he is actually coming back. I have given up on him a while ago. But I am still here. Waiting. For I don't know what.

If I walk away from this first, I will be a quitter. I was one. I am not a quitter anymore. I know that there is more to someting than whatever I know from the things I can see.

The last time I was home, I wondered why is everyone on his side. Well, actually, I know why. They know me more than they know him. And I am a very impatient person. I am brash. I don't listen. I jump to conclusions. So of course they were assuming that I was in fact, the root of the problem. It was not until I threw my phone at the wall in anger after reading his text and bursting into tears, questioning his actions, and everybody else's that someone very close to me made it clear to me.

W asked me, if we were to tell you to go ahead and break up with him, what kind of people would we be. Besides, is that what you want from us? To tell you to break up with him when we all know how much you wanted this. Why are you rushing things with him anyway? If you do break it up, is there anyone waiting for you on the sidelines or something?

They were right. W was dead on. She knew me like the back of her hands. Hearing what she said made me realize that I don't want to break up with him. It doesn't matter if there is anyone waiting for me or not. What mattered was I will do whatever it takes to make this work, because this is the person I have envisioned to spend the rest of my life with.

The problem now is, I don't have an ituition. Something to tell me that this is it. The one. It felt right. But then he rushed me into everything, it was surreal. He barely knew me and he's already telling me to take that marriage course the next school holiday comes. I didn't go. There was not much time and if I had gone, I would have felt like a total idiot because of the current situation.

What grates at me is that he rushed me into everything, so sure of everything but when I stumbled, he just left me in the dust. What on earth was he thinking, telling me was going to marry me, barely 24 hours into the relationship? Simply because I was that person he thought I was? I was not being hypocritical. I was being a good hostess. She tailors her behaviour to that of her guest so he would be comfortable in a strange place. I do that. I do that all the time.

So now that he realizes what a mess I am inside, he must be thinking up of a way to get rid of me. All he has to do right now is own it; L, I can't handle you. We have to terminate this relationship.

That is all there is to it. I am not going to scream and yell and roll on the floor or start piercing voodoo dolls of him with pins. I can be rational. I will be upset of course, but I have never killed anyone over a break up nor am I planning to start with him.

However, as I know myself well enough not to trust my judgment, I think I should just leave things the way it is. I done everything I could to lure him out of his shell and talk it out with me. He just won't budge. Doesn't that mean that he has had enough of me and wishes to just disappear into the sunset?

I can't break up with him because I am not a quitter. He can't either because he is not a quitter either. So what do we do? Leave things the way it is? Gawd, give me strength to change the things I can and accept the things I can't.

I wanted him. I thought he was the one. But if he isn't it should not be a problem. K told me not to let myself be a victim, simply because he is doing this. I am not a victim. He just doesn't know how to handle me right. So he is not for me. Simple, ain't it?

And K also told me if he is really into me, he will come around. The thing is, I don't think he is into me anymore. Which should be great, right? But then, why do I feel so rotten inside?

It's always been this way with me. When I want something so badly, I either don't get it at all, or made to wait a little longer for it.

Bring it on.

to be or not to be

Sometimes, I wonder what makes me go on doing this to myself.

I don't feel his affection towards me anymore and I doubt that he is actually coming back. I have given up on him a while ago. But I am still here. Waiting. For I don't know what.

If I walk away from this first, I will be a quitter. I was one. I am not a quitter anymore. I know that there is more to someting than whatever I know from the things I can see.

The last time I was home, I wondered why is everyone on his side. Well, actually, I know why. They know me more than they know him. And I am a very impatient person. I am brash. I don't listen. I jump to conclusions. So of course they were assuming that I was in fact, the root of the problem. It was not until I threw my phone at the wall in anger after reading his text and bursting into tears, questioning his actions, and everybody else's that someone very close to me made it clear to me.

W asked me, if we were to tell you to go ahead and break up with him, what kind of people would we be. Besides, is that what you want from us? To tell you to break up with him when we all know how much you wanted this. Why are you rushing things with him anyway? If you do break it up, is there anyone waiting for you on the sidelines or something?

They were right. W was dead on. She knew me like the back of her hands. Hearing what she said made me realize that I don't want to break up with him. It doesn't matter if there is anyone waiting for me or not. What mattered was I will do whatever it takes to make this work, because this is the person I have envisioned to spend the rest of my life with.

The problem now is, I don't have an ituition. Something to tell me that this is it. The one. It felt right. But then he rushed me into everything, it was surreal. He barely knew me and he's already telling me to take that marriage course the next school holiday comes. I didn't go. There was not much time and if I had gone, I would have felt like a total idiot because of the current situation.

What grates at me is that he rushed me into everything, so sure of everything but when I stumbled, he just left me in the dust. What on earth was he thinking, telling me was going to marry me, barely 24 hours into the relationship? Simply because I was that person he thought I was? I was not being hypocritical. I was being a good hostess. She tailors her behaviour to that of her guest so he would be comfortable in a strange place. I do that. I do that all the time.

So now that he realizes what a mess I am inside, he must be thinking up of a way to get rid of me. All he has to do right now is own it; L, I can't handle you. We have to terminate this relationship.

That is all there is to it. I am not going to scream and yell and roll on the floor or start piercing voodoo dolls of him with pins. I can be rational. I will be upset of course, but I have never killed anyone over a break up nor am I planning to start with him.

However, as I know myself well enough not to trust my judgment, I think I should just leave things the way it is. I done everything I could to lure him out of his shell and talk it out with me. He just won't budge. Doesn't that mean that he has had enough of me and wishes to just disappear into the sunset?

I can't break up with him because I am not a quitter. He can't either because he is not a quitter either. So what do we do? Leave things the way it is? Gawd, give me strength to change the things I can and accept the things I can't.

I wanted him. I thought he was the one. But if he isn't it should not be a problem. K told me not to let myself be a victim, simply because he is doing this. I am not a victim. He just doesn't know how to handle me right. So he is not for me. Simple, ain't it?

And K also told me if he is really into me, he will come around. The thing is, I don't think he is into me anymore. Which should be great, right? But then, why do I feel so rotten inside?

It's always been this way with me. When I want something so badly, I either don't get it at all, or made to wait a little longer for it.

Bring it on.