He don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
Tell me I should not be feeling what I am today
Tell me to silence my heart
Tell me We've been here before
and I will walk away from you love
For there is a wall between you and I
And he hasn't been treating you right
I've been watching it all
I seen you cry
And I just gotta tell you tonight
That he don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
Tell me this love's just a feeling and will pass away
Tell me your heart is a liar
Tell me you're not what I know you are
All that a man could desire
And he doesn't know, darlin, what he's got,
But I will treasure you
If you give me a chance I will make you smile
I will give you a love that is true
But he don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
So why, can you not see,
The place in your heart that was made for me
Why must you hide yourself away?
And why must you fight the way that I'm holding your hand tonight
Take a chance and give your heart to me
But he don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
But he don't love you like I love you
Don't think about you like I think about you
He don't want to have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, March 10, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
games
On one of the blogs that I regularly read, there was an entry about how a man had to console a friend of his who just went through a terrible divorce. In his frustration, he ended the few paragraphs describing how terrible he felt about his friend’s suffering, criticizing women’s way of playing games with men’s hearts even when they know how much badly hooked they are on them. He knew how terrible it felt like because he was that friend of his a few years erliers
Let it be known in plain daylight that I am far from being upset over that statement, because I know it’s just a generalization anyone would say in situations like that. I myself have said things like that numerous times, because I can be one very frustrated person.
Besides, it is not all that wrong.
However, I did correct him, saying that “Some women AND men play that game” because I think I speak for everyone when I say, not all women and most certainly not too many men play these games.
I am guilty of having played that game once.
A long time ago, when I was very much a newbie at this thing called love and all its chemistry, I myself was guilty of this crime.. Not much of a looker and having gone through a rather manly phase in my life, I was always at my happiest minding my own business and found that maintaining a relationship with anyone during my school and uni years would be too much for me, had I found love. I only started a relationship when I had finished my studies and when I was already holding this post in this delightful little kampung. Oh, not with a local, although they have been very warm and friendly towards me, both men and women. And even that relationship was not something I was actually looking for but something I happened to stumble upon as I frequent a chatroom in cyberspace. Love was the remotest thing on my mind when it happened. His declaration of what we should be that night explained a lot of arguments we had because of my friendliness with all the rest in the chatroom. It was simply that, a friendliness that only a ‘manly’ girl would know because I did not visit that place with romance in mind.
Love makes me stupid. That, I know, because even when I knew it was wrong, I couldn’t say “No, I do not want this relationship with you.” And even though I am a Muslim woman, back then in my younger days, I have found trouble in understanding why on earth my faith allows men to have more than one wife if he can afford it. It was a total bollocks to me.
From this moment on, many will start thinking I am a harlot, luring honest married men into a whirlwind affair. I may not be blameless in the whole situation, but I do not agree with that statement that I lured him in. I was intrigued by him, honestly, but not that extent. But like I said, I was rendered foolish once it sets in. And no, it was not the s*x, because there was none going on.
For some reason, I felt that he could not have loved me enough and although I would like to blame that on the bipolar disorder and chemical imbalance condition I suspect myself of having, I was already a sane, grown woman, I should not have given him such a hard time and accepted the facts and trusted him.
Love is still a foreign thing for me. The kind that I wanted I actually had, but had to let go due to obvious reasons I do not wish to discuss any further in here. I don’t understand what love and all its complexities any more today than I did more than eight years ago, when I found myself having fallen for this man. Wrong as it was, I think it was love. Because he endured more amounts of sh*t any insecure woman could pile on any willing man.
Wonder if he was driven by some sort of sexual gratification? I don’t think so since he lived thousands of miles away. So what could it have been if it wasn’t the ‘L’ word? Not, I didn’t mean lust although, it might have played a role in the whole thing.
Over the years, having been on my own again, regaining my sanity and balance, I have managed to sort out some things especially on what I would like to have and should not be blamed for wanting too much of any one.
It’s simple, really. At least for me it is, because I don’t need to play any games to feel whole. Not anymore. I know who I am and where I stand. If he wants me he should take me as I am and the same goes for me. There is no use pretending or masking things up during the courting phase because it’s a fact that these facades will dissolve once you reach that comfort zone with your spouse. Once both of you go beyond the idealization phase of the relationship. Of course, there is room to accommodate some sort of trait modifications but not too much, as in any other normal and matured relationship. Now, the kind of modification I am talking about is the type where when you were single you can eat out every night if you want, but once married, there should be some restraint and more effort in preparing a good wholesome meal at home. More of the relationship nurturing bits of it all. Not the unnecessary plastic surgery kinds. But whatever makes you happy…
The fact is, once you have committed yourselves to the one (or two or three or even four for some people who can really handle it well) there should always be effort in maintaining the health and well-being of the relationship. Without the help of someone like me…
At the end of the day, it would not have happened if the man had not entertained her wiles and her love of being loved.
But while in love, mind games are fun to play. So, as long as both parties are willing, why not? And if one of you gets tired of it and want a more stable and healthy environment in which to nurture this new phase, make it known. I’m sure it can easily be rectified, if the partner is willing. But if he or she still wants to continue, maybe he or she is unwell and need to see the right kind of help. If you find that this is the kind of relationship that is most gratifying, feel free to pursue it even further. If you feel that you have the energy to invest in this, go on, but if not, move on. The feelings won’t be the same undoubtedly, but life is ever-changing, so don’t be afraid of something new, because it might be even more rewarding than the previous one.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
what have i done the last few days
Hey yas....
Am back from Kuching, nak cuci baju, air takde pulak. So, apa lagi nak buat, in this house, all alone? While the things that has happened are still fresh in my mind, I better do it now.
Before I go ahead, I have to warn you, that this is a big ass long entry.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I went to school that morning as usual. Saja nak tunjuk muka and leave things to do to people while I am gone. Macamlah I will be gone forever, kan? Tapi tu lah, memang I have not left the school for long periods of time, since I pegang jawatan ini. So, of course I am a little nervous. Manalah tau, jadi anarchy pulak nanti kan? Choy! Taklah, the students here belum sampai tahap tu lagi. Tapi, manalah tahu...
Then I drove home, beli nasi lemak and balik rumah. Oh, I haven't had breakfast pun. Oh, ye breakfast is a big deal for me. And dinner.
Anyway, ingatkan balik tu nak pack up my stuff and run some errands in town and then tie up some loose ends tapi lepas tu I ended up updating my blog and barely got my stuff packed?
Anyway, right as I was stepping out of the shower, my friend called me and I told her to give me 15 minutes to get dressed and pick her up.
But then after I picked her up, I had to go back home to get my charger for camera battery. Penting woooo.... kalau tertinggal, mau mati dibuatnya wo.... Then tetiba Hajjah Kyah (ni hajjah betul, occay?) came to my place, just as I was getting back into my car. Terkujat plak, cuz I thought she was gonna go with the other Kyah. She told me there was a change in plans because Kyah tu dah pergi awal ke Limbang. So in order to fit Hajjah Kyah's stuff, I had to take out all the sponsored shoes out of the boxes and stacked them up outside my gate.
We were on the way la lepas tu.
Sampai Limbang, pergi taklimat. I was Jurulatih Tak Bertauliah. Tatau ah kenapa mereka nak juga letak mak kat dalam team tuh. Tapi, okaylah, kalau mereka perlukan moral support from me more than they need me as a coach, so be it. Sungguh berkuasa panaskah mak?
Anyway, lepas habis taklimat, mak edarkan barangan sponsored to my players. And seeing that there were cars blocking mine in the crowded parking lot, we went back into the building for tea and some cake. Yes, there were cakes. Chocolate sponge cakes.
Then bawa Hjh Kyah and kak Chae (yang the other friend yang ikut sekali in my car) makan ais kacang kat satu kedai ni. Katanya best la kedai neh. Tapi takde ais kacang original la. Semua yang jenis fancy schmancy. Tapi sebab dah tekak nak makan ABC tapi takde kat tempat lain and also malas nak ke sana ke mari dalam panas buta tu, makan je la kat situ.
Then, we ols ke plaza to do some shopping. Merekalah yang shopping. Kak Chae ikut adik dia later on. Me, I just got myself a new back pack and a haircut, cuz I have been losing a lot of hair. My hair is wavy, ada ke cina kedai tu suggest I straighten it? Hello, I love my wavy hair just the way it is, and just because you can't handle such a complicated style, does not mean I have to conform to the mass. Sorrylah, mak nak straighten my hair lagi ever again. Dah buat sekali dulu, memang la berseri kilatnya. Tapi, muka mak ni yang tak berseri. Sebab bila my hair that frames my face ni dah jadi lurus, ianya menjadikan muka mak ni bertambah bulat, sebulat bola netball. Mak sedar muka mak memang macam bulan purnama bulatnya, itu la all the more reason for me to stick to my natural curls and work with what I have.
FYI, I love my netball face and wavy hair just fine. Itu pasal mak hangin bila mamat tu kata, "Stretten...." dengan selamba badaknya sedang mak berfikir-fikir nak buat lagu mana rambut mak ni. Hangin, babe!
All I wanted was to shorten in with layers. Hopefully that would minimize the hair fall.
Lepas cuci, dia potong. And lepas blow dry, di kirai-kirainya rambut mak! Lagi la mak hangin. Tapi, rambut tu jadi cantik pulak, walau lepas kena kirai. Mak sker!
Lepas tu mak pakai tudung balik, then temankan di Kyah kecik (dia muda dari Hajjah walau nama sama) beli kasut. Selamanyalah aku dok kat dalam salon tu dia tak pergi beli kasut? Rupanya, dia kena tinggal dengan Hajjah, sebab Hajjah pergi CC nak send her assignment kepada pensyarah. Abis kalau sorang tak boleh beli ke, mak tanya dia, dia kata tak bleh. Oh, manjanyalah kau dengan Hajjah Kyah ye? Memang... dia jawab. Adoi adoi...
Lepas tu aku pi cari Hajjah kat CC and dia pun dah selesai mengemail. Kami pun terus pergi kedai kasut sebuah ni. Banyak kedai kasut kat plaza ni, tapi dah sampai situ ada lak yang berkenan, masuk je lah, kan?
Try punya try, dia pergi nak beli kasut warna hitam? It was a pair of black ballet pumps. Aku geram betul. Aku katalah, ko tu muda lagi yang beli kasut cam ni apsal? Aku pun amik la another ballet pumps tapi in gold and has lots of frills on top. Hey, it's not gaudy, it's all about being bold at her age, OK?
Teruslah dia beli tu. Hehehe... kalau kaki ku tak sebesar kaki big foot, aku pun dah sewat satu, taw?
Lepas tu, tetiba dah malam. Mak pergi makan dengan Hajjah Kiah, kat open air tu, mak makan apa? Tak ingat lah. Anyway, lepas tu....
Lepas tu cuba teka mak pergi mana? Mak pergi Penjara Limbang.
No, bukan pergi melawat saudara mak yang banduan, Hajjah Kyah ajak mak spend the night kat umah cousin dia yang happened to be a warder penjara tu. Huhuhuh...
Tingkat 5... mak sikit lagi nak mam... Takde lift, of course. Usually, I would jump at every opportunity untuk kesihatan ni, tapi mak was not in the mood for that that night. Tapi mak naik jugalah, takkan tak tido kat bawah tangga kut?
Thursday, August 16, 2007
I woke up at 5, showered, dressed, packed and had breakfast. Then we both went downstairs, got our stuff to the side of the road, I parked my car a little to the back of the flat building.
Stopped in Miri, and we stopped at every truck stop, ad he eats at every stop. Gila punya driver. Badan dia tak lah gemuk. Is he diabetic, or just has worms?
Friday, August 17, 2007
Half way there, I realized I wanted to see N. Very much so. And I should take that risk and just give him a call.
So I did.
"How is everything?"
"I am fine, so much problems here, have to sort things out,"
"Hmm..."
"So the Pesta is going on at the moment, kan?"
"I don't know... I have school. Tapi tadi tengok persiapannya dah full swing."
"Ye ke? Tapi tadi I heard on the radio...."
"Yeah, well, I have something to tell you, jangan marah..."
"OK..."
"I am on my way to Kuching." I went on explaining why I am on my way to Kuching. He waited for me to finish albeit impatiently.
"You are? Where are you now?" Oh God, that excitement in his voice just broke the ice that's been encasing my heart.
"I don't know. Somewhere. After Sarikei. We spent the night there" Looked at the signboards outside. "Sungai Krian."
"Sungai Krian? Looks like you will be here this afternoon. When are you scheduled to arrive?"
"I am not very aware of the bus driver's schedule... but maybe this afternoon,"
"Okay, then I will call you when you get here."
"No, I will call you when I get there."
Then we stopped at Everise Batu 4. For an hour.
On the bus again, just as the bus trembles back to live, my phone rings. It was him.
"Are you here yet?"
"No, we stopped at Everise Batu 4. And I am not too sure when I will get there, so I don't wanna bother you with phone calls until I get there."
"Okay then, just tell me when you get there."
We did get there, finally, at 5 or something. I called him and asked him... rather told him that I intend to see him tonight, even though he would be the one driving. He asked ot be given half an hour to think.
Think? What is wrong with this guy? He has not seen me for months and when I am finally within reach, he has to think? Just get your ass down here, right now! I don't care about the rest. Even if we have to be stuck in the car all night.
I told him I will settle down in the hostel first, before I get a shower get ready to go out with him.
Half an hour later, he called me and said,
"I am three minutes to the hostel."
He was soooo funny! Padan muka dia kena tunggu me. for 10 more minutes.
I had already showered and put on my make up.
Hoi, before you go judging me, let me tell you this, pandai la korang nak kata I don't like women who puts on too much make up. I'm not gonna say if I put too much on or not, but the thing is, a good powder will even out the skin tone, and a great thick lash will make you seem dreamy and a great lip gloss will make you ten years younger. And I don't give a rat's ass for you losers who does not know how hard for a girl to look natural with make up because I buy my make up myself, with my money and this is my face I am putting it on, and it is N who is gonna look at it and hate or appreciate it.
Oh, and the next time you go on a date, just look closely at your gf and see if she really is au naturel or just too good at putting on make up that you just can't tell.
Anyway, I was sweating bullets by the time I was done getting dressed! Benci!!! I was drenched! How do you try to look relaxed when you are drenched in perspiration! On your first date after months! Aku benci!!!
But I did my best. Everyone in the dorm was surprised to see me all primped up with my Nose sexy heels when in the whole two days to get there, I wore baggy tees and jeans and a sort of a cowboy boots. Frumpy... But they've never seen me at school either. I do dress well when I go to work or when I have to show up for official events. I'm into classic, and I am bad at casual. That's all.
He's been calling me twice to make sure he got to the right place, making me even more nervous. On the way to his car, I don't know what kind of car he drives, and I was talking in the phone, but I could see his silhouette in the car, so I went straight to it, and in doing that, I caught the attention of a very manly looking of a certain Miss Tan(No, I am not saying that she has the hots for me. She is a very nice lady). She quipped that I looked nice, I joked back, Mestilah, nak jumpa lou kung, kan? Dalam hati, God damnit! Kenapa mulut aku ni laju sangat?
I just quickly jumped into the car and said hi to him without even looking at him, as I was still talking to Miss Tan. I finally said goodbye to her and closed the door a few seconds later. I hope that would have made enough impression that I am calm and collected.
Please la... The sudden temperature shift from the hot and humid outside and cold and crisp of the inside of his car was a shock to me and I started feeling self-conscious about being so sweaty. Thank God, the ac was on full blast that my body temp went down a few moments later and I was all dry by the time we got to the place near the river at Fort Margharita.
The food sucked. But I think he was nervous too. So the food didn't matter much. We didn't say much there. We talked about mundane stuff, work, general stuff, life. After paying up, we got back in the car, and we just drove around.
He reached for my hand which I laid on my handbag on my lap. I didn't hold his hand back. I looked outside, like it didn't matter. His hand stayed over mine for a while until he had to shift gears. Then he kept them on the wheels.
He doesn't know how that little gesture made me feel inside. So I reached for his hands, weaved my fingers in between his brought it to my lips and kissed the back of his hand and held on to it on my lap. We held hands in silence. He just drove. I looked outside, trying hard not to cry, staring hard into the darkness outside.
"I never left you."
"Then why did you have to stay away for so long?"
"I just had to get away. In business that is called a retreat. It's good for the soul." Augh!
"Am I adding to your problems?"
"No."
"Am I a problem? Am I making things difficult for you?"
"No, no, no. There are so many problems at the moment. I just can't drop everything and go see you."
He did say that he wished that we'd lose all our games so he'd be able to have me all day Sunday. Was that bad of him? No, I told him Limbang never won. He just said that so he could have more time with me.
The rest of the ride was spent quietly. I had to go back to the hostel for the briefing for coaches and managers at the school hall. He sent me back to the hostel and promised to pick me up for breakfast the next day and dropping me off for the match afterwards.
I went to the briefing, followed by a meeting with the organizer of our respective events.
That night, Kapit pulled out at the last minute, so we ended up playing the first game. No breakfast with N.
That night, we reshuffled the team because we were short of veteran players. So in the end, I ended up being the manager and the lady who was manager, had to play GS, which I was supposed to play.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
How did we do? Badly. As expected. We lost all three games. But I am still proud of my girls because they did make an effort to put up a fight. These people are mostly state-level players and they have the know hows of everything from nutrition to practice and exercises. How can my team beat them? I look at it as a learning curve that will prepare me for next year, if we are given another chance that is.
That night, we went to Topspot for dinner. Dinner was a lot of seafood and air kelapa. Then because there was so much left over, he asked for the waitress to ta pao it. Then we drove to his place and dropped the ta pao there for his daughter. His maid came out. His youngest daughter was probably upstairs. Then he showed me around his neighborhood and where his workplace was. It was within the housing area. Which is a great thing, from my point of view.
Then it was late, he took me back to the school where my team and I were staying.
In case you are thinking why doesn't he put me up in a hotel room where it would be more comfortable, he shouldn't, I am team manager, and leaving them behind when I go see him is bad enough, I should not abandon them altogether.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
He called me and said he would pick me up in an hour. I showered and dressed and again, he was early. Everyone else have left earlier by bus on their own day trip around the city.
We went to Bau for a hearty breakfast of tempoyak goreng, fried salted eggs, rice and ayam pansoh. Who has those for breakfast? We did. And as funny as most people would think those sounded, they were great. Especially with N across the table, anything would be great.
The we went to Serikin where people go to buy things at a cheap price because the things being sold there are from Indonesia. He could have taken me to Tebedu, but I don't have an international passport. So Serikin was the next best thing.
I walked all over the place not buying anything but I took a lot of photos, telling him I don't know what to buy, but I know my mom would have a great time here. After looking at those things and getting all sweaty, we got back in the car, and as he maneuver the car through the throng of people, I called W on my cell phone telling her where I was, and asked her what would she want from there. Handbags.
I got off the car, and N sempat cakap, why not get the pretty prayer shrouds for my mom. And while he got the car out of the market, I went to bargain for those things. I got three handbags, 2 prayer shrouds with gold ruffles and a sunglass.
Cool.
Got back in the car, and after stopping by at the market for some vegetables, we drove back to town. And where did he take me? To his office!
There he turned on his computer and made me sit in his chair and actually told me to use the internet. He's loosened up all right, but now he is nervous again. I wondered why, subconsciously.
He told me that he was offered to run the same college in KK. He has his misgivings and still thinking about it. He likes KK, but then it would mean leaving something he had worked hard for. I told him, just because he likes something doesn't mean that he has to live there. It can always be a retreat for him. Actually living there would take that something special from it. He said he's still thinking about it. Besides, nanti dapat major pain because the people in Sabah is not exactly like people in Sarawak. He might regret his decision.
I sat in his chair, but I told him that I am fine, I don't need to use the internet, but I fiddled around with his computer and then he pulled out a drawer in his desk.
"Here, I wanna show you something."
It was a piece of paper congratulating him for a job well done.
"Awww... congratulations! I am so proud of you!"
"Wait, wait, read till the end!" He was so happy, like a little boy! I read on.
It was a piece of paper congratulating him for a job well done and the prize is a honeymoon trip for two for umrah or Indonesia and must be claimed in 12 months time.
"Alah, that is so sweet. Kesiannya... Tak boleh pergi seorang ke?"
Then he did the cutest thing, I think. He took something from the drawer and clipped my photo onto the letter. I was speechless.
But we both laughed and I took that as a joke of course. No use taking everything seriously and ruin things. Really, I didn't mind.
There was The Battle of The Bands going on at his college at that time. I think he was at the office because he wanted to watch out for trouble makers because all the while we were there, he kept going outside and watching for suspicious groups of people. Besides, he has always spent Sundays at the office, he didn't know exactly what to do with me around? I don't know.
I fiddled with my laptop that I took with me because of the safety issue at the school. I moved new images from my already filled up camera memory card to the laptop and looked at new ones while he worked on his computer. Then I got sleepy and took a nap, propping myself on his desk. It was all good. Then I woke up, he was praying and I didn't know what else to do, so I got myself online and updated my blog.
Then it was 4 pm and he was hungry again when he realized that we have not had lunch yet. I tak perasan I was hungry because I had a lot of mints.
We went for nasi goreng kampung with Tandoori chicken. I saw some lamb curry, so he got me that too. He feeds me like a daughter.
Afterwards, we went driving around, and he got me some ayam percik and nasi kerabu for dinner. Tapao'ed because we were still very full from 'lunch' at 4 pm. I asked him to buy me a plastic sack to put all my dirty laundry.
I ended up sharing all that food with the rest of my roomates because they have yet to have dinner. Kesian they all tu. Bus driver cam shial. Benci! Tapi takpelah, I was really still full, so there was plenty to share.
Malam tu tetiba orang kata, kita akan balik jam 4.00 pagi. I felt like crying. But all I did was paksa myself to sleep and hope for the best, as they all went downstairs to watch the karaoke competition at the school hall. They had asked me to put on some make up on them. They were so happy, I just couldn't believe it.
Then they told me that they will discuss the departure time further the next day before breakfast. Tennis tak habis lagi. Tapi ada orang nak ambil PTK.
I called and text him telling him about it. He doesn't answer the phone after 8pm. I knew that. I left him a voice message.
Monday, August 20, 2007
He called me at 5.54am asking me where I was, thinking that I have left. I told him there was a change of plans and we won't know till they talk about it later.
So everyone left for breakfast while I waited for him in our room. When he called again, I was already putting on my shoes.
We went for breakfast, of mee jawa and satay. Satay? For breakfast? Here they do have satay for breakfast.
Then we drove around and I made a lot of videos of him telling jokes. We laughed so much! I took a whole lot more photos of us. We looked like we were having a lot of fun in them. I love those photos. And I took so many because I would at least have these if he decides to hide away again.
I told him that only go to KK if he wants to have a new challenge. He said if he decides to go there, it would be for good and he would just settle down there and build a new life there. Whatever his decision, I hope that life would include me.
Then he bought me nasi tapao of kari kambing. Aww... To me that is adorable.Suka hati korang la nak kata he is strange ke apa ke. The thing is, he makes sure that I am properly fed, even up to the very last moment we were spending together. That's nice and sweet of him. And don't go making him look and sound creepy.
Anyway, then he sent me back to the school. He told me that he didn't buy me that sack, because he's got three bags in the trunk instead for me to choose from. He opened the trunk and I just picked the huge green luggage. He just looked at me and my selection. I asked him if he bought it on one of his Mecca trips. Somehow the arab words in the tiny sticker just made me wanna say Mecca. And he asked me how I knew. Oh it was the sticker, I said, and he went back into his car, I opened the front passenger side door, leaned in and salam and kissed his hand and said goodbye.
There was plenty of time to pack up my things and plenty of room too with more than enough left for my friends to tumpang the bag and also the netball ball and bibs too. I realized it was a Samsonite. Patutla beg tu nampak menarik je. Hahaha... but it's mine now. He said so. So while the rest of the team went to get some lunch at the cafeteria we never knew was there, I laid in the bed looking at the videos we made earlier in the morning while waiting to get downstairs.
Barang-barang semua dah bawa turun kecuali my last luggage and back pack. Tunggu, tunggu. Dah kul 11.30 I went turned off the lights and fan and went to sit at the top of the stairs where I would be able to see the bus when it comes around.
When it did, my team members belum lagi turun from the cafeteria. I ended up lifting all their bags and mine into the bus after calling them on my cellphone to get their asses on the bus or else. Oddly, after all that heavy lifting, my spirits were still very much high up in the air. Usually, I would be stark raving mad because I hate having to do things for other people unnecessarily. But since I love my girls so much, I'll excuse their tardiness this time. And because I was still all dreamy over N and the fun we had all morning.
The trip back was crazy. We left Kuching at 12 and we reached Miri at 6am the next day. The driver is crazy, I tell you. Just pee stops, no shower. I had my videos and photos on my camera, so I was fine.
In Limbang, we were dropped off at the penjara and then Hajjah and I stopped by Kyah's palce for some durian fix. It was great. There was plenty and I ate with such glee.
Then it was time to go home, not after some sup tulang for a late lunch at a restaurant in Limbang.
Sampai Lawas... I realized forgot to call my landlady to tell her I was coming home. I didn't think it was a big problem because it was Monday and they have a business to run. I was wrong. It was the school break, of course they would be off gallivanting somewhere with their kids! Bodo la aku!
I called them and true enough, they were just leaving KK and in Papar at that moment. Matila aku kena tunggu. I asked Hajjah Kyah to join me for lepak and tea at the wharf and then when it was time to leave, I went to the riverside and lepak there alone. Then it got so boring, I went to the gas station, filled up and drove to Punang. There, I sat in the car, in the dark and attempted to play the games on the cellphone. I sucked. Then my phone rang and it was my landlady telling me that she was home. I drove back and unpacked my car.
Wanted to do my laundry, but there was no water. Geram betul. So what else is there to do other than update my blog.
It's 3 am and I am still here writing, because I don't wanna do it when I have forgotten most of the details.
I'll post photos tomorrow. Oh... we're going to Jerudong Park on Thursday. Is that awesome or what?
Am back from Kuching, nak cuci baju, air takde pulak. So, apa lagi nak buat, in this house, all alone? While the things that has happened are still fresh in my mind, I better do it now.
Before I go ahead, I have to warn you, that this is a big ass long entry.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I went to school that morning as usual. Saja nak tunjuk muka and leave things to do to people while I am gone. Macamlah I will be gone forever, kan? Tapi tu lah, memang I have not left the school for long periods of time, since I pegang jawatan ini. So, of course I am a little nervous. Manalah tau, jadi anarchy pulak nanti kan? Choy! Taklah, the students here belum sampai tahap tu lagi. Tapi, manalah tahu...
Then I drove home, beli nasi lemak and balik rumah. Oh, I haven't had breakfast pun. Oh, ye breakfast is a big deal for me. And dinner.
Anyway, ingatkan balik tu nak pack up my stuff and run some errands in town and then tie up some loose ends tapi lepas tu I ended up updating my blog and barely got my stuff packed?
Anyway, right as I was stepping out of the shower, my friend called me and I told her to give me 15 minutes to get dressed and pick her up.
But then after I picked her up, I had to go back home to get my charger for camera battery. Penting woooo.... kalau tertinggal, mau mati dibuatnya wo.... Then tetiba Hajjah Kyah (ni hajjah betul, occay?) came to my place, just as I was getting back into my car. Terkujat plak, cuz I thought she was gonna go with the other Kyah. She told me there was a change in plans because Kyah tu dah pergi awal ke Limbang. So in order to fit Hajjah Kyah's stuff, I had to take out all the sponsored shoes out of the boxes and stacked them up outside my gate.
We were on the way la lepas tu.
Sampai Limbang, pergi taklimat. I was Jurulatih Tak Bertauliah. Tatau ah kenapa mereka nak juga letak mak kat dalam team tuh. Tapi, okaylah, kalau mereka perlukan moral support from me more than they need me as a coach, so be it. Sungguh berkuasa panaskah mak?
Anyway, lepas habis taklimat, mak edarkan barangan sponsored to my players. And seeing that there were cars blocking mine in the crowded parking lot, we went back into the building for tea and some cake. Yes, there were cakes. Chocolate sponge cakes.
Then bawa Hjh Kyah and kak Chae (yang the other friend yang ikut sekali in my car) makan ais kacang kat satu kedai ni. Katanya best la kedai neh. Tapi takde ais kacang original la. Semua yang jenis fancy schmancy. Tapi sebab dah tekak nak makan ABC tapi takde kat tempat lain and also malas nak ke sana ke mari dalam panas buta tu, makan je la kat situ.
Then, we ols ke plaza to do some shopping. Merekalah yang shopping. Kak Chae ikut adik dia later on. Me, I just got myself a new back pack and a haircut, cuz I have been losing a lot of hair. My hair is wavy, ada ke cina kedai tu suggest I straighten it? Hello, I love my wavy hair just the way it is, and just because you can't handle such a complicated style, does not mean I have to conform to the mass. Sorrylah, mak nak straighten my hair lagi ever again. Dah buat sekali dulu, memang la berseri kilatnya. Tapi, muka mak ni yang tak berseri. Sebab bila my hair that frames my face ni dah jadi lurus, ianya menjadikan muka mak ni bertambah bulat, sebulat bola netball. Mak sedar muka mak memang macam bulan purnama bulatnya, itu la all the more reason for me to stick to my natural curls and work with what I have.
FYI, I love my netball face and wavy hair just fine. Itu pasal mak hangin bila mamat tu kata, "Stretten...." dengan selamba badaknya sedang mak berfikir-fikir nak buat lagu mana rambut mak ni. Hangin, babe!
All I wanted was to shorten in with layers. Hopefully that would minimize the hair fall.
Lepas cuci, dia potong. And lepas blow dry, di kirai-kirainya rambut mak! Lagi la mak hangin. Tapi, rambut tu jadi cantik pulak, walau lepas kena kirai. Mak sker!
Lepas tu mak pakai tudung balik, then temankan di Kyah kecik (dia muda dari Hajjah walau nama sama) beli kasut. Selamanyalah aku dok kat dalam salon tu dia tak pergi beli kasut? Rupanya, dia kena tinggal dengan Hajjah, sebab Hajjah pergi CC nak send her assignment kepada pensyarah. Abis kalau sorang tak boleh beli ke, mak tanya dia, dia kata tak bleh. Oh, manjanyalah kau dengan Hajjah Kyah ye? Memang... dia jawab. Adoi adoi...
Lepas tu aku pi cari Hajjah kat CC and dia pun dah selesai mengemail. Kami pun terus pergi kedai kasut sebuah ni. Banyak kedai kasut kat plaza ni, tapi dah sampai situ ada lak yang berkenan, masuk je lah, kan?
Try punya try, dia pergi nak beli kasut warna hitam? It was a pair of black ballet pumps. Aku geram betul. Aku katalah, ko tu muda lagi yang beli kasut cam ni apsal? Aku pun amik la another ballet pumps tapi in gold and has lots of frills on top. Hey, it's not gaudy, it's all about being bold at her age, OK?
Teruslah dia beli tu. Hehehe... kalau kaki ku tak sebesar kaki big foot, aku pun dah sewat satu, taw?
Lepas tu, tetiba dah malam. Mak pergi makan dengan Hajjah Kiah, kat open air tu, mak makan apa? Tak ingat lah. Anyway, lepas tu....
Lepas tu cuba teka mak pergi mana? Mak pergi Penjara Limbang.
No, bukan pergi melawat saudara mak yang banduan, Hajjah Kyah ajak mak spend the night kat umah cousin dia yang happened to be a warder penjara tu. Huhuhuh...
Tingkat 5... mak sikit lagi nak mam... Takde lift, of course. Usually, I would jump at every opportunity untuk kesihatan ni, tapi mak was not in the mood for that that night. Tapi mak naik jugalah, takkan tak tido kat bawah tangga kut?
Thursday, August 16, 2007
I woke up at 5, showered, dressed, packed and had breakfast. Then we both went downstairs, got our stuff to the side of the road, I parked my car a little to the back of the flat building.
Stopped in Miri, and we stopped at every truck stop, ad he eats at every stop. Gila punya driver. Badan dia tak lah gemuk. Is he diabetic, or just has worms?
Friday, August 17, 2007
Half way there, I realized I wanted to see N. Very much so. And I should take that risk and just give him a call.
So I did.
"How is everything?"
"I am fine, so much problems here, have to sort things out,"
"Hmm..."
"So the Pesta is going on at the moment, kan?"
"I don't know... I have school. Tapi tadi tengok persiapannya dah full swing."
"Ye ke? Tapi tadi I heard on the radio...."
"Yeah, well, I have something to tell you, jangan marah..."
"OK..."
"I am on my way to Kuching." I went on explaining why I am on my way to Kuching. He waited for me to finish albeit impatiently.
"You are? Where are you now?" Oh God, that excitement in his voice just broke the ice that's been encasing my heart.
"I don't know. Somewhere. After Sarikei. We spent the night there" Looked at the signboards outside. "Sungai Krian."
"Sungai Krian? Looks like you will be here this afternoon. When are you scheduled to arrive?"
"I am not very aware of the bus driver's schedule... but maybe this afternoon,"
"Okay, then I will call you when you get here."
"No, I will call you when I get there."
Then we stopped at Everise Batu 4. For an hour.
On the bus again, just as the bus trembles back to live, my phone rings. It was him.
"Are you here yet?"
"No, we stopped at Everise Batu 4. And I am not too sure when I will get there, so I don't wanna bother you with phone calls until I get there."
"Okay then, just tell me when you get there."
We did get there, finally, at 5 or something. I called him and asked him... rather told him that I intend to see him tonight, even though he would be the one driving. He asked ot be given half an hour to think.
Think? What is wrong with this guy? He has not seen me for months and when I am finally within reach, he has to think? Just get your ass down here, right now! I don't care about the rest. Even if we have to be stuck in the car all night.
I told him I will settle down in the hostel first, before I get a shower get ready to go out with him.
Half an hour later, he called me and said,
"I am three minutes to the hostel."
He was soooo funny! Padan muka dia kena tunggu me. for 10 more minutes.
I had already showered and put on my make up.
Hoi, before you go judging me, let me tell you this, pandai la korang nak kata I don't like women who puts on too much make up. I'm not gonna say if I put too much on or not, but the thing is, a good powder will even out the skin tone, and a great thick lash will make you seem dreamy and a great lip gloss will make you ten years younger. And I don't give a rat's ass for you losers who does not know how hard for a girl to look natural with make up because I buy my make up myself, with my money and this is my face I am putting it on, and it is N who is gonna look at it and hate or appreciate it.
Oh, and the next time you go on a date, just look closely at your gf and see if she really is au naturel or just too good at putting on make up that you just can't tell.
Anyway, I was sweating bullets by the time I was done getting dressed! Benci!!! I was drenched! How do you try to look relaxed when you are drenched in perspiration! On your first date after months! Aku benci!!!
But I did my best. Everyone in the dorm was surprised to see me all primped up with my Nose sexy heels when in the whole two days to get there, I wore baggy tees and jeans and a sort of a cowboy boots. Frumpy... But they've never seen me at school either. I do dress well when I go to work or when I have to show up for official events. I'm into classic, and I am bad at casual. That's all.
He's been calling me twice to make sure he got to the right place, making me even more nervous. On the way to his car, I don't know what kind of car he drives, and I was talking in the phone, but I could see his silhouette in the car, so I went straight to it, and in doing that, I caught the attention of a very manly looking of a certain Miss Tan(No, I am not saying that she has the hots for me. She is a very nice lady). She quipped that I looked nice, I joked back, Mestilah, nak jumpa lou kung, kan? Dalam hati, God damnit! Kenapa mulut aku ni laju sangat?
I just quickly jumped into the car and said hi to him without even looking at him, as I was still talking to Miss Tan. I finally said goodbye to her and closed the door a few seconds later. I hope that would have made enough impression that I am calm and collected.
Please la... The sudden temperature shift from the hot and humid outside and cold and crisp of the inside of his car was a shock to me and I started feeling self-conscious about being so sweaty. Thank God, the ac was on full blast that my body temp went down a few moments later and I was all dry by the time we got to the place near the river at Fort Margharita.
The food sucked. But I think he was nervous too. So the food didn't matter much. We didn't say much there. We talked about mundane stuff, work, general stuff, life. After paying up, we got back in the car, and we just drove around.
He reached for my hand which I laid on my handbag on my lap. I didn't hold his hand back. I looked outside, like it didn't matter. His hand stayed over mine for a while until he had to shift gears. Then he kept them on the wheels.
He doesn't know how that little gesture made me feel inside. So I reached for his hands, weaved my fingers in between his brought it to my lips and kissed the back of his hand and held on to it on my lap. We held hands in silence. He just drove. I looked outside, trying hard not to cry, staring hard into the darkness outside.
"I never left you."
"Then why did you have to stay away for so long?"
"I just had to get away. In business that is called a retreat. It's good for the soul." Augh!
"Am I adding to your problems?"
"No."
"Am I a problem? Am I making things difficult for you?"
"No, no, no. There are so many problems at the moment. I just can't drop everything and go see you."
He did say that he wished that we'd lose all our games so he'd be able to have me all day Sunday. Was that bad of him? No, I told him Limbang never won. He just said that so he could have more time with me.
The rest of the ride was spent quietly. I had to go back to the hostel for the briefing for coaches and managers at the school hall. He sent me back to the hostel and promised to pick me up for breakfast the next day and dropping me off for the match afterwards.
I went to the briefing, followed by a meeting with the organizer of our respective events.
That night, Kapit pulled out at the last minute, so we ended up playing the first game. No breakfast with N.
That night, we reshuffled the team because we were short of veteran players. So in the end, I ended up being the manager and the lady who was manager, had to play GS, which I was supposed to play.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
How did we do? Badly. As expected. We lost all three games. But I am still proud of my girls because they did make an effort to put up a fight. These people are mostly state-level players and they have the know hows of everything from nutrition to practice and exercises. How can my team beat them? I look at it as a learning curve that will prepare me for next year, if we are given another chance that is.
That night, we went to Topspot for dinner. Dinner was a lot of seafood and air kelapa. Then because there was so much left over, he asked for the waitress to ta pao it. Then we drove to his place and dropped the ta pao there for his daughter. His maid came out. His youngest daughter was probably upstairs. Then he showed me around his neighborhood and where his workplace was. It was within the housing area. Which is a great thing, from my point of view.
Then it was late, he took me back to the school where my team and I were staying.
In case you are thinking why doesn't he put me up in a hotel room where it would be more comfortable, he shouldn't, I am team manager, and leaving them behind when I go see him is bad enough, I should not abandon them altogether.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
He called me and said he would pick me up in an hour. I showered and dressed and again, he was early. Everyone else have left earlier by bus on their own day trip around the city.
We went to Bau for a hearty breakfast of tempoyak goreng, fried salted eggs, rice and ayam pansoh. Who has those for breakfast? We did. And as funny as most people would think those sounded, they were great. Especially with N across the table, anything would be great.
The we went to Serikin where people go to buy things at a cheap price because the things being sold there are from Indonesia. He could have taken me to Tebedu, but I don't have an international passport. So Serikin was the next best thing.
I walked all over the place not buying anything but I took a lot of photos, telling him I don't know what to buy, but I know my mom would have a great time here. After looking at those things and getting all sweaty, we got back in the car, and as he maneuver the car through the throng of people, I called W on my cell phone telling her where I was, and asked her what would she want from there. Handbags.
I got off the car, and N sempat cakap, why not get the pretty prayer shrouds for my mom. And while he got the car out of the market, I went to bargain for those things. I got three handbags, 2 prayer shrouds with gold ruffles and a sunglass.
Cool.
Got back in the car, and after stopping by at the market for some vegetables, we drove back to town. And where did he take me? To his office!
There he turned on his computer and made me sit in his chair and actually told me to use the internet. He's loosened up all right, but now he is nervous again. I wondered why, subconsciously.
He told me that he was offered to run the same college in KK. He has his misgivings and still thinking about it. He likes KK, but then it would mean leaving something he had worked hard for. I told him, just because he likes something doesn't mean that he has to live there. It can always be a retreat for him. Actually living there would take that something special from it. He said he's still thinking about it. Besides, nanti dapat major pain because the people in Sabah is not exactly like people in Sarawak. He might regret his decision.
I sat in his chair, but I told him that I am fine, I don't need to use the internet, but I fiddled around with his computer and then he pulled out a drawer in his desk.
"Here, I wanna show you something."
It was a piece of paper congratulating him for a job well done.
"Awww... congratulations! I am so proud of you!"
"Wait, wait, read till the end!" He was so happy, like a little boy! I read on.
It was a piece of paper congratulating him for a job well done and the prize is a honeymoon trip for two for umrah or Indonesia and must be claimed in 12 months time.
"Alah, that is so sweet. Kesiannya... Tak boleh pergi seorang ke?"
Then he did the cutest thing, I think. He took something from the drawer and clipped my photo onto the letter. I was speechless.
But we both laughed and I took that as a joke of course. No use taking everything seriously and ruin things. Really, I didn't mind.
There was The Battle of The Bands going on at his college at that time. I think he was at the office because he wanted to watch out for trouble makers because all the while we were there, he kept going outside and watching for suspicious groups of people. Besides, he has always spent Sundays at the office, he didn't know exactly what to do with me around? I don't know.
I fiddled with my laptop that I took with me because of the safety issue at the school. I moved new images from my already filled up camera memory card to the laptop and looked at new ones while he worked on his computer. Then I got sleepy and took a nap, propping myself on his desk. It was all good. Then I woke up, he was praying and I didn't know what else to do, so I got myself online and updated my blog.
Then it was 4 pm and he was hungry again when he realized that we have not had lunch yet. I tak perasan I was hungry because I had a lot of mints.
We went for nasi goreng kampung with Tandoori chicken. I saw some lamb curry, so he got me that too. He feeds me like a daughter.
Afterwards, we went driving around, and he got me some ayam percik and nasi kerabu for dinner. Tapao'ed because we were still very full from 'lunch' at 4 pm. I asked him to buy me a plastic sack to put all my dirty laundry.
I ended up sharing all that food with the rest of my roomates because they have yet to have dinner. Kesian they all tu. Bus driver cam shial. Benci! Tapi takpelah, I was really still full, so there was plenty to share.
Malam tu tetiba orang kata, kita akan balik jam 4.00 pagi. I felt like crying. But all I did was paksa myself to sleep and hope for the best, as they all went downstairs to watch the karaoke competition at the school hall. They had asked me to put on some make up on them. They were so happy, I just couldn't believe it.
Then they told me that they will discuss the departure time further the next day before breakfast. Tennis tak habis lagi. Tapi ada orang nak ambil PTK.
I called and text him telling him about it. He doesn't answer the phone after 8pm. I knew that. I left him a voice message.
Monday, August 20, 2007
He called me at 5.54am asking me where I was, thinking that I have left. I told him there was a change of plans and we won't know till they talk about it later.
So everyone left for breakfast while I waited for him in our room. When he called again, I was already putting on my shoes.
We went for breakfast, of mee jawa and satay. Satay? For breakfast? Here they do have satay for breakfast.
Then we drove around and I made a lot of videos of him telling jokes. We laughed so much! I took a whole lot more photos of us. We looked like we were having a lot of fun in them. I love those photos. And I took so many because I would at least have these if he decides to hide away again.
I told him that only go to KK if he wants to have a new challenge. He said if he decides to go there, it would be for good and he would just settle down there and build a new life there. Whatever his decision, I hope that life would include me.
Then he bought me nasi tapao of kari kambing. Aww... To me that is adorable.Suka hati korang la nak kata he is strange ke apa ke. The thing is, he makes sure that I am properly fed, even up to the very last moment we were spending together. That's nice and sweet of him. And don't go making him look and sound creepy.
Anyway, then he sent me back to the school. He told me that he didn't buy me that sack, because he's got three bags in the trunk instead for me to choose from. He opened the trunk and I just picked the huge green luggage. He just looked at me and my selection. I asked him if he bought it on one of his Mecca trips. Somehow the arab words in the tiny sticker just made me wanna say Mecca. And he asked me how I knew. Oh it was the sticker, I said, and he went back into his car, I opened the front passenger side door, leaned in and salam and kissed his hand and said goodbye.
There was plenty of time to pack up my things and plenty of room too with more than enough left for my friends to tumpang the bag and also the netball ball and bibs too. I realized it was a Samsonite. Patutla beg tu nampak menarik je. Hahaha... but it's mine now. He said so. So while the rest of the team went to get some lunch at the cafeteria we never knew was there, I laid in the bed looking at the videos we made earlier in the morning while waiting to get downstairs.
Barang-barang semua dah bawa turun kecuali my last luggage and back pack. Tunggu, tunggu. Dah kul 11.30 I went turned off the lights and fan and went to sit at the top of the stairs where I would be able to see the bus when it comes around.
When it did, my team members belum lagi turun from the cafeteria. I ended up lifting all their bags and mine into the bus after calling them on my cellphone to get their asses on the bus or else. Oddly, after all that heavy lifting, my spirits were still very much high up in the air. Usually, I would be stark raving mad because I hate having to do things for other people unnecessarily. But since I love my girls so much, I'll excuse their tardiness this time. And because I was still all dreamy over N and the fun we had all morning.
The trip back was crazy. We left Kuching at 12 and we reached Miri at 6am the next day. The driver is crazy, I tell you. Just pee stops, no shower. I had my videos and photos on my camera, so I was fine.
In Limbang, we were dropped off at the penjara and then Hajjah and I stopped by Kyah's palce for some durian fix. It was great. There was plenty and I ate with such glee.
Then it was time to go home, not after some sup tulang for a late lunch at a restaurant in Limbang.
Sampai Lawas... I realized forgot to call my landlady to tell her I was coming home. I didn't think it was a big problem because it was Monday and they have a business to run. I was wrong. It was the school break, of course they would be off gallivanting somewhere with their kids! Bodo la aku!
I called them and true enough, they were just leaving KK and in Papar at that moment. Matila aku kena tunggu. I asked Hajjah Kyah to join me for lepak and tea at the wharf and then when it was time to leave, I went to the riverside and lepak there alone. Then it got so boring, I went to the gas station, filled up and drove to Punang. There, I sat in the car, in the dark and attempted to play the games on the cellphone. I sucked. Then my phone rang and it was my landlady telling me that she was home. I drove back and unpacked my car.
Wanted to do my laundry, but there was no water. Geram betul. So what else is there to do other than update my blog.
It's 3 am and I am still here writing, because I don't wanna do it when I have forgotten most of the details.
I'll post photos tomorrow. Oh... we're going to Jerudong Park on Thursday. Is that awesome or what?
Sunday, August 19, 2007
cat city bliss
Coba teka, mak kat mana sekarang ni? Hehehehe... Hehehehehehe.... Huehehehehe...
Memang korang tak akan dapat teka punya even in several million years. Hrm... tapi kalau I have been giving you such a hype, musti korang dapat teka punye.
Mak masih di Kuching. And now mak online... kat mana ye? Erm.. bukan CC... bukan, bukan...
Mak kat opis Avang N.
Ye, mak rasa macam ... biasa je. Tapi sebenarnya mak agak happy cuz mak dah patch things up dengan Avang N. Dia kata dia pergi sekejap dulu cuz it is good to get away and think about things and get everything into perspective. And he had to get away. That he was here all the while and we never did break up. I never said we broke up. But my problem is that I don't like the fact that he has to be all by himself for such a long time.
Just now dia tetiba je cakap, I never broke up with you.
I knew that. It just felt like we did. It just made me feel like I am investing myself and my time in something meaningless. Siapa yang sanggup buat benda sia-sia?
And he said that I should not have worried because he was not planning to leave me at all. All he needed was time by himself, away from me. Boy, I must have been a HUGE problem.
Anyway, I can't describe it. When we were apart, I felt like wringing his neck. I wanted so much for him to feel the pain that I felt. But the moment I saw him, nothing mattered anymore. Not even the 11-month-long wait. Does that mean I am really in love with him and willing to forgive him, or am I just blinded by my feelings for him.
I told him. We can move on and I can forget what has happened in the past on the condition that he can't do the same again in the future. He couldn't say anything to that. I guess some people just need that and since I do love him, I will have to be all right with that. Maybe I am just saying this, tapi rasanya, I think I am not the type yang suka berkepit tu. Occasionally, yes, but not all the time. Besides, I know I can be such a meriam when I am mad at someone, and seeing that he cannot handle that evil in me, so terpaksalah terima hakikat yang it is better if he decides to get away from me and everything in order to recover from it.
Apa saja, if it will make us work. Not desperate la. I love him. Tu je.
And maybe one day he'll realize how much I love him, so he can love me back just as much.
Memang korang tak akan dapat teka punya even in several million years. Hrm... tapi kalau I have been giving you such a hype, musti korang dapat teka punye.
Mak masih di Kuching. And now mak online... kat mana ye? Erm.. bukan CC... bukan, bukan...
Mak kat opis Avang N.
Ye, mak rasa macam ... biasa je. Tapi sebenarnya mak agak happy cuz mak dah patch things up dengan Avang N. Dia kata dia pergi sekejap dulu cuz it is good to get away and think about things and get everything into perspective. And he had to get away. That he was here all the while and we never did break up. I never said we broke up. But my problem is that I don't like the fact that he has to be all by himself for such a long time.
Just now dia tetiba je cakap, I never broke up with you.
I knew that. It just felt like we did. It just made me feel like I am investing myself and my time in something meaningless. Siapa yang sanggup buat benda sia-sia?
And he said that I should not have worried because he was not planning to leave me at all. All he needed was time by himself, away from me. Boy, I must have been a HUGE problem.
Anyway, I can't describe it. When we were apart, I felt like wringing his neck. I wanted so much for him to feel the pain that I felt. But the moment I saw him, nothing mattered anymore. Not even the 11-month-long wait. Does that mean I am really in love with him and willing to forgive him, or am I just blinded by my feelings for him.
I told him. We can move on and I can forget what has happened in the past on the condition that he can't do the same again in the future. He couldn't say anything to that. I guess some people just need that and since I do love him, I will have to be all right with that. Maybe I am just saying this, tapi rasanya, I think I am not the type yang suka berkepit tu. Occasionally, yes, but not all the time. Besides, I know I can be such a meriam when I am mad at someone, and seeing that he cannot handle that evil in me, so terpaksalah terima hakikat yang it is better if he decides to get away from me and everything in order to recover from it.
Apa saja, if it will make us work. Not desperate la. I love him. Tu je.
And maybe one day he'll realize how much I love him, so he can love me back just as much.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
my love, N
I just wish he would Google my blog entry and actually find this blog, and read things I wrote in here, so at least I would have a safe medium to communicate with him.
I guess if he did that, him being him, he would have just disappeared for real. He wants everything to be a secret. Why? Is it because he has a reputation to keep up?
I don't need him to tell the world. I don't need him to tell anyone about us. I am fine about him wanting to keep things low-key. OK. But I keep wondering why is he doing that. My demons keep asking me, really... Am I that dirty of a thing that he has to keep everything away from the world?
But then I always come back to myself. There is nothing to tell anyone about. I am not even sure what we are anymore. And I have stopped having any kind of hope or expectation. In fact, I think it will be better for him to just disappear. Not that I have given up on him. I just think that he is suffering a lot because of me. I am not the person he wants me to be. I don't even want to pretend to be that person, because how long can I do that? And that would be unfair, cuz that would mean that I am lying to him about who I really am. No, I don't have many boyfriends. While I am no angel and I do admit that I am a pain, there are just some things about me that makes me insufferable. I don't think he knows what he is getting himself into.
Besides, I am still wondering why do some people see this "renewing one's love" as something romantic? That's insulting. Why do you need to renew love, of all things? Shouldn't it grow day by day? Shouldn't it grow firm roots in what two people have built that all it can do is grow deeper roots, and higher-reaching buds?
Maybe that's hard to do, given the circumstances. Maybe it's just hard to do. Maybe it is just hard when you try to do it with me.
But my love for him never had an expiry date. I want it to grow. I want it to thrive. But every time I slipped, he just left me sprawling on the ground and kept on walking.
I thought when two people are so incompatible, they can still make it work, by making extra effort.
He is quiet and reserved, I am loud and brash.
He is an introvert, I am an extrovert.
He is gentle and calculating, I am rough and always have the foot in mouth disease.
He's smart, I'm not.
He's closed to the world, I'm open to the world.
He runs and hide, I make a stand and fight.
He sweeps things under the rug, I'd rather make war and have make up s*x afterwards. Uiseh!
But you know what I mean. It is the way I was brought up and the genetics I was bestowed upon. And I am going to be 31, in 2 weeks. How on earth could he expect me to make that huge change for him? I never asked him to change for me. Besides, if I do make the effort to make a change, I would like to know that I am doing it for something worthy of such sacrifice. A year-long absence over a stupid misunderstanding is not something I see as worthy of my devotion and sacrifice. For those who agree with me, raise your hands. *snigger* *snigger*
Even if he does read this, he will only misunderstand my motives in posting these things on the internet.
Unlike him, I need to talk things out. Not to everyone. But to someone whom I can trust not to share how I feel with the world. While this is not exactly keeping a secret safe, at least I am not telling it to anyone I know, well other than the three whom I know reads this from time to time; J, who is my bestest best friend, W, my sister dunia akhirat, and Bella Donna si cumil mungil tue and... oh, I'll stop there. I only have three readers, really. This is safe with them, I solemnly swear. About the others? I am not too worried about them, because they don't know me. I am not a celebrity. A secret is only worth a lot when you can use it against that person whose secret belongs to. And since I am not in their circle of friends, I don't see why perfect strangers have the need to use anything I have written in here against me. Oh, yes, I know sometimes there are people who'd find this link by googling certain words, decide to drop by in here to waste time reading my nonsense. But that's the thing, why would anyone want to read nonsense and waste more time finding out who this nonsensical person is? Having a lot of time in one's hands does have its disadvantages.
So, if N does Google my blog entry that I e-mailed to him the other day and found this blog and reads these things and gets all scared and again, decide to head for the hills, it's up to him... I don't hate him for doing that. I am just tired of giving him the so-called space he hinted that he needs, the time he needs to be away from me, the patience and faith he's asked me to have for this thing we are having. That's another thing, I am in the state of perpetual waiting for... what?
No, I am not in a rush to start anything new with anyone. But that does not make it OK to put me on hold for as long as he finds convenient. Why am I waiting? What am I waiting for?
It's a vicious cycle. I wait so that he would have the peace of mind. Be by himself. But at the same time, I hate being in that state. Waiting. Waiting for the bus that is not coming.
Can't he see? I don't really mind if the bus is not coming. I can just take a taxi or walk. I need to release myself from this state of mind so that my life can get back on its track. Those things I have been doing at work and off work did distract me, but at the end of the day, in bed about to fall asleep, there is nothing I would be thinking about, but him and the possibility that he is in fact is just taking me on a ride. That's no doubt the cruelest thing I can say about him. But that's me. I'd rather provoke someone so that he would prove me wrong. And if it is not true then, what is there for him to worry about? Just tell me I am wrong and he does not appreciate me accusing him of things that is not true. But the thing is, everything I have thought about and written in here has pointed me to that conclusion. And I have begun to think that he realized that he has got himself in a sticky situation with me and doesn't know how to out of it.
Entahlah...
It's true that I like making assumptions. Especially when I am upset and mad over something. I get hysterically mad sometimes. But those assumptions are made to be proven wrong. It is not a final take. It is something I do so that I have somewhere to start when I think about the course of action to take. And there would usually be many assumptions to accommodate the one same situation. I would usually entertain the most obvious or maybe we can say the most improbable because that is usually where the fun is. All there is to do, is deny it and present your arguments to support your denial. Is that so hard to do? Then we can all go out for frozen yogurt. Not hide and cry and hope it will disappear. Cuz it won't. I would go on and on bitching about it, stop when I am tired and then use it against you the next time we fight. Oh yes, haven't you noticed that I am also very vindictive? He should try helping me in that area instead of burying his head in the sand. No, giving me self-help books that I don't bother reading does not cut it.
I do read those books he gave me. But just so I feel vindicated, I can always say I don't, right?
How do I make this work? Keep quiet and wait? It's been a year, last June. Our first anniversary of being apart, really. It would be a year since I last saw him come September. He said he'd be visiting me sooner than he thought, last June. It's August now. What kind of person does he expect me to be? A stupid bimbo whom he can tucked away in a box in a dark corner somewhere and take me out whenever he feels like he needs a toy when he visits this side of the world and tuck me in the box again before he leaves, expecting me to stay all shiny and new the next time he visits? All the while, smiling and thankful that he chose me to play with?
Do I look like that person?
Walking away, is easy. Where is the challenge in that? Don't you think I have thought about that many times before? Even now. Don't you think the people in my life have told me to do the same thing? I think it would be best for the both of us too. But as I said, that is the easiest thing to do. What is there to tell my grandchildren when I am old, on how I remained steadfast and held on to the faith that he would one day come to his senses and make up for lost time.
Come on, it sounds like wishful thinking, but let's call it having faith in a confused man who is fundamentally good. Oh, stop laughing already!
Challenges are created to make life more worthwhile. Without it, I don't see why I should be here, breathing the fresh air of God's green earth.
Gosh, how long had I gone on rambling about him? He means that much to me. That much. I just wish he knew.
And I wish I could tell him. Why I left J in favor of him. If it would make things any better, J was a sick man when I was with him that last time. He was having some difficulty with his health, yes, but that does not debilitate him. I was referring to his mental health. He is not a nut. A mad man, a psycho. He is just a kinky sicko kind of guy. I don't want that life with anyone. I am not built for that kind of thing, I have never considered it as a lifestyle of choice nor do I believe that anyone can condition me into liking or wanting those kinds of things. I don't think J is a bad person. He is wise and we have always talked about everything, my problems and his. And although we do fight incessantly, it worked for us. I just don't want that lifestyle. It is too strange and sick for that kampung girl in me.
N was safe. I don't know about him being boring. But I think his calm and collected personality will give me the serenity and peace of mind to be a more organized and relaxed person. That's the fundamental reason why I left J for N. And call me whatever you want, but J is also happily married with three beautiful boys. I have no way of explaining it. But all I wanted to be was a shoulder to cry on. It's strange how proximity and other circumstances pulls people together and leads people to make a very big mess of their lives.
I love N. I wish he knows that. And if he really does love me still, he should not be afraid of me and my brazen way of handling my life issues. That's how I learned from my mother and I do not know of other ways of doing it.
I think I better stop here and start packing my things.
I guess if he did that, him being him, he would have just disappeared for real. He wants everything to be a secret. Why? Is it because he has a reputation to keep up?
I don't need him to tell the world. I don't need him to tell anyone about us. I am fine about him wanting to keep things low-key. OK. But I keep wondering why is he doing that. My demons keep asking me, really... Am I that dirty of a thing that he has to keep everything away from the world?
But then I always come back to myself. There is nothing to tell anyone about. I am not even sure what we are anymore. And I have stopped having any kind of hope or expectation. In fact, I think it will be better for him to just disappear. Not that I have given up on him. I just think that he is suffering a lot because of me. I am not the person he wants me to be. I don't even want to pretend to be that person, because how long can I do that? And that would be unfair, cuz that would mean that I am lying to him about who I really am. No, I don't have many boyfriends. While I am no angel and I do admit that I am a pain, there are just some things about me that makes me insufferable. I don't think he knows what he is getting himself into.
Besides, I am still wondering why do some people see this "renewing one's love" as something romantic? That's insulting. Why do you need to renew love, of all things? Shouldn't it grow day by day? Shouldn't it grow firm roots in what two people have built that all it can do is grow deeper roots, and higher-reaching buds?
Maybe that's hard to do, given the circumstances. Maybe it's just hard to do. Maybe it is just hard when you try to do it with me.
But my love for him never had an expiry date. I want it to grow. I want it to thrive. But every time I slipped, he just left me sprawling on the ground and kept on walking.
I thought when two people are so incompatible, they can still make it work, by making extra effort.
He is quiet and reserved, I am loud and brash.
He is an introvert, I am an extrovert.
He is gentle and calculating, I am rough and always have the foot in mouth disease.
He's smart, I'm not.
He's closed to the world, I'm open to the world.
He runs and hide, I make a stand and fight.
He sweeps things under the rug, I'd rather make war and have make up s*x afterwards. Uiseh!
But you know what I mean. It is the way I was brought up and the genetics I was bestowed upon. And I am going to be 31, in 2 weeks. How on earth could he expect me to make that huge change for him? I never asked him to change for me. Besides, if I do make the effort to make a change, I would like to know that I am doing it for something worthy of such sacrifice. A year-long absence over a stupid misunderstanding is not something I see as worthy of my devotion and sacrifice. For those who agree with me, raise your hands. *snigger* *snigger*
Even if he does read this, he will only misunderstand my motives in posting these things on the internet.
Unlike him, I need to talk things out. Not to everyone. But to someone whom I can trust not to share how I feel with the world. While this is not exactly keeping a secret safe, at least I am not telling it to anyone I know, well other than the three whom I know reads this from time to time; J, who is my bestest best friend, W, my sister dunia akhirat, and Bella Donna si cumil mungil tue and... oh, I'll stop there. I only have three readers, really. This is safe with them, I solemnly swear. About the others? I am not too worried about them, because they don't know me. I am not a celebrity. A secret is only worth a lot when you can use it against that person whose secret belongs to. And since I am not in their circle of friends, I don't see why perfect strangers have the need to use anything I have written in here against me. Oh, yes, I know sometimes there are people who'd find this link by googling certain words, decide to drop by in here to waste time reading my nonsense. But that's the thing, why would anyone want to read nonsense and waste more time finding out who this nonsensical person is? Having a lot of time in one's hands does have its disadvantages.
So, if N does Google my blog entry that I e-mailed to him the other day and found this blog and reads these things and gets all scared and again, decide to head for the hills, it's up to him... I don't hate him for doing that. I am just tired of giving him the so-called space he hinted that he needs, the time he needs to be away from me, the patience and faith he's asked me to have for this thing we are having. That's another thing, I am in the state of perpetual waiting for... what?
No, I am not in a rush to start anything new with anyone. But that does not make it OK to put me on hold for as long as he finds convenient. Why am I waiting? What am I waiting for?
It's a vicious cycle. I wait so that he would have the peace of mind. Be by himself. But at the same time, I hate being in that state. Waiting. Waiting for the bus that is not coming.
Can't he see? I don't really mind if the bus is not coming. I can just take a taxi or walk. I need to release myself from this state of mind so that my life can get back on its track. Those things I have been doing at work and off work did distract me, but at the end of the day, in bed about to fall asleep, there is nothing I would be thinking about, but him and the possibility that he is in fact is just taking me on a ride. That's no doubt the cruelest thing I can say about him. But that's me. I'd rather provoke someone so that he would prove me wrong. And if it is not true then, what is there for him to worry about? Just tell me I am wrong and he does not appreciate me accusing him of things that is not true. But the thing is, everything I have thought about and written in here has pointed me to that conclusion. And I have begun to think that he realized that he has got himself in a sticky situation with me and doesn't know how to out of it.
Entahlah...
It's true that I like making assumptions. Especially when I am upset and mad over something. I get hysterically mad sometimes. But those assumptions are made to be proven wrong. It is not a final take. It is something I do so that I have somewhere to start when I think about the course of action to take. And there would usually be many assumptions to accommodate the one same situation. I would usually entertain the most obvious or maybe we can say the most improbable because that is usually where the fun is. All there is to do, is deny it and present your arguments to support your denial. Is that so hard to do? Then we can all go out for frozen yogurt. Not hide and cry and hope it will disappear. Cuz it won't. I would go on and on bitching about it, stop when I am tired and then use it against you the next time we fight. Oh yes, haven't you noticed that I am also very vindictive? He should try helping me in that area instead of burying his head in the sand. No, giving me self-help books that I don't bother reading does not cut it.
I do read those books he gave me. But just so I feel vindicated, I can always say I don't, right?
How do I make this work? Keep quiet and wait? It's been a year, last June. Our first anniversary of being apart, really. It would be a year since I last saw him come September. He said he'd be visiting me sooner than he thought, last June. It's August now. What kind of person does he expect me to be? A stupid bimbo whom he can tucked away in a box in a dark corner somewhere and take me out whenever he feels like he needs a toy when he visits this side of the world and tuck me in the box again before he leaves, expecting me to stay all shiny and new the next time he visits? All the while, smiling and thankful that he chose me to play with?
Do I look like that person?
Walking away, is easy. Where is the challenge in that? Don't you think I have thought about that many times before? Even now. Don't you think the people in my life have told me to do the same thing? I think it would be best for the both of us too. But as I said, that is the easiest thing to do. What is there to tell my grandchildren when I am old, on how I remained steadfast and held on to the faith that he would one day come to his senses and make up for lost time.
Come on, it sounds like wishful thinking, but let's call it having faith in a confused man who is fundamentally good. Oh, stop laughing already!
Challenges are created to make life more worthwhile. Without it, I don't see why I should be here, breathing the fresh air of God's green earth.
Gosh, how long had I gone on rambling about him? He means that much to me. That much. I just wish he knew.
And I wish I could tell him. Why I left J in favor of him. If it would make things any better, J was a sick man when I was with him that last time. He was having some difficulty with his health, yes, but that does not debilitate him. I was referring to his mental health. He is not a nut. A mad man, a psycho. He is just a kinky sicko kind of guy. I don't want that life with anyone. I am not built for that kind of thing, I have never considered it as a lifestyle of choice nor do I believe that anyone can condition me into liking or wanting those kinds of things. I don't think J is a bad person. He is wise and we have always talked about everything, my problems and his. And although we do fight incessantly, it worked for us. I just don't want that lifestyle. It is too strange and sick for that kampung girl in me.
N was safe. I don't know about him being boring. But I think his calm and collected personality will give me the serenity and peace of mind to be a more organized and relaxed person. That's the fundamental reason why I left J for N. And call me whatever you want, but J is also happily married with three beautiful boys. I have no way of explaining it. But all I wanted to be was a shoulder to cry on. It's strange how proximity and other circumstances pulls people together and leads people to make a very big mess of their lives.
I love N. I wish he knows that. And if he really does love me still, he should not be afraid of me and my brazen way of handling my life issues. That's how I learned from my mother and I do not know of other ways of doing it.
I think I better stop here and start packing my things.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
how it all began
I was ugly the day he came to my school. No make up, the worst work wear I had in my wardrobe, tired-looking. I only had my wit at my dispense.
I though he was Chinese. Then he gave me his business card. His name was Haji Something bin Something. Underneath it, Principal. And I thought he was the staff. And then we talked He is a Melanau and Malay mix. Reserved. Introverted. He wore glasses. The quiet, nerdy type, but not too much. He went to Harvard for his master's degree, as it said on the card. He seemed so much like the type I would like to be with, but he'd most probably be happily married with kids out of the nest and he is enjoying life and work again. I am not gonna be a home-wrecker.
Took him to the school hall for the program, introduced him to the students and sat for a while before I left for my classes. Then sat with him through lunch.
At the top of the steps before he left, he asked me for my number. I am in charge of the students, he does these programs for kids, so I thought OKlah, give you my number.
Then we played 'guess how much my back pack costs'. I said RM400. He said, smart. I thought to myself, snob. Then he got into the van, and was on his way back to town.
That evening he called me if we could go for dinner. I said yes, but took Zana along for company. I went because I thought he might be feeling awkward eating alone.
Two weeks later he called me up on my phone again and asked if I could go to Limbang for dinner with him. He's from Kuching, but he would be in Limbang for a program the next week. He offered to pay for accommodations when I was hesitant. I refused because I would have to spend the night in Limbang and will be late for school the next day.
Besides, that seemed dodgy to me.
I was instructed to join the centralized practice for netball in Limbang the next Wednesday, the same day he was due to leave for Kuching from Limbang.
The fact that I was not fit for the tournament made me fight the decision of making me part of the team who will go to Kuching for the Divisions. I suggested other people only to be told that by my manager that he doesn't care about the other people. He wanted me to go. He didn't say why, but maybe cuz my team won when I was the one cheering on the side of the court. I was a lunatic. You'd be embarrassed to see me. LOL.
It was Wednesday, and I didn't have anything packed. I rushed back home to pack up my things and text messaged him telling him I'd be there indeed. He said, ok, so he'll wait for me.
I got there 3 hours later. Picked him up in front of his hotel, took him to a restaurant along with my two friends who came with me in my car for the practice. I asked him, when was his flight leaving. He said, it already left. I didn't know what to say to that. He asked me when was I leaving for Lawas again. I said, Friday. He said, then he will have to postpone flying back till Friday then.
I thought he was a smooth operator.
Then dropped him off at his hotel. Went for practice.
Wenesday night : dinner, with Hajjah Kiah and Kak Fatimah and him.
Thursday morning : breakfast with him and the gang. Then netball practice.
Thursday afternoon : took the gang to the plaza to look for futsal boots. He asked me where I was on text. I told him. He told me he was at the market. And then he was in the lobby. The plaza building is adjacent to the hotel building. Later on, I text him it was time to go. He text me back that he was still at the lobby. What would that mean? Not wanting to be rude, I went to see him in the lobby; in the sweaty, smelly things I had on and face so shiny, my friends can see their image on my cheeks. He was not shocked to see me that way. Which I took as a sign of him not interested in me in any way. Which is a good thing, because then I would not have such hard time saying 'No' when he whips out the bottles of slimming pills.
He had 4 huge grilled fish from the market with him in the lobby and he wanted to take me to lunch. We talked some and then I called my friends who were waiting for me at KFC and told them about the plan and I am taking all of them with me. All 4 of them. And we still couldn't finish the 4 fish, they were so big.
Went to the park for a walk after lunch. With him and the gang. But the gang walked the other way. I hollered at them why they walking away? They yelled back, go ahead, go ahead, we're right here. I was like.... huh? He said, let 'em go anywhere they want, they'll be fine.
Walked and talked. It was ... I don't know. Never been there, never done that. I didn't really know what his intentions were. I swear. I thought he was being nice because he wanted to sell some slimming product. He wouldn't be the first to do that; be nice to me so I'd buy their stuff.
Took him back to his hotel and went for another round of practice and then went to my friend's place for a shower.
He asked me if I had plans that night. I said no. He said come to dinner then, he had prawns, clams, veggies, and watermelon from the market. Asked Hajjah Kiah and Kak Fatimah to come along. They refused. Kak Fatimah said she was too tired. Hajjah Kiah said no too because she wanted me to go there alone so he could have some time alone with me. I asked her, why do you want me to have some time alone with him? So he can whip out the slimming pills he's been wanting to sell to me since the first day he saw me??? She said, don't be SILLY! He's a nice man and he might wanna say something so I don't wanna be there spoiling the mood. I was like.... NOOOO....!!! Please come with me, please, please! I'd like to have someone to be there with me when I say No to his slimming pills. She said... Yus! Quit that. He's not gonna do any of that sort. Go have dinner, have fun.
I was like.... FINE! I'll go. I can say no, no problem.
Waited for him in the lobby. He came up to me from behind and asked me if my friends are with me. I said, no. He said... we are going to have some trouble with dinner then. I saw him holding a huge plastic bag. Inside was enough food for 4 people. 4 really greedy people, that is. Took him in the car to the open air food stalls. He asked the cook to prepare the things he's got there.
We ate. Like ... I don't know what. More than any normal people would eat when they are hungry. And there was still a lot left. Then there was the watermelon. All the while, I was thinking, when is he gonna start telling me about his health product. Then there were the peanuts. Then I said I have had enough, no more food for the next few days. He laughed. And then I suggested we take a walk. He asked them to put the leftovers in doggy bags for me to take home. Left them in the car, and we went for a walk all over the town. It was a breezy night. We walked all the way to the end of the waterfront and then doubled back to his hotel. The mosque was next to it, there was a line on marble benches right in front, we sat there and talked. The burger stall guy probably listened to most of the things we said. He told me everything. Like I was shocked that he was telling me all that he was telling me. What was he thinking? Even why he and his wife had split up. I told him about you. Of course he thought I was cuckoo. I told him you weren't that badlah. Just married. Then I looked at my watch, it was already 11.30. I am such a rude guest. I had to rush back. It was so late already. I left him in front of the hotel and drove back.
I changed and was in bed thinking about what had happened. Why was he being so nice? What did he want? Then a text came in. It simply said, I think I like you.
I thought... think? You think? THINK you like me? I showed Hajjah Kiah the text, she was sleeping next to me. She said... There, I told you so....
I text him back, I think I like you too. Keyword here is like. I thought it was gonna be just another one of those friend friend thing. Until the next morning that is.
I text him that we'd go for breakfast, then drop my friends of for practice, and then I dropped him off at the airport, how does that sound? He said, that sounds good. Thank you.
He called me the next morning to see if I can have breakfast with him at the hotel restaurant instead, just the two of us. I thought to myself, in my sportswear? I look bad in most things. I look the worst in that. He's seen me all dirty and smelly. I didn't want the other hotel guests to see me with him and embarrass him. So I said, I have to take my friends with me. So with my friends tagging along, I picked him up, took him for some nasi lemak. Then dropped my friends at practice and drove him to the airport.
In the car he told me he was in love with me. I thought to myself, he might be a mental case. I just smiled blankly at him. At the airport, I waited with him for the boarding. He played with his phone while I looked at people. When it was time to go, he placed his hands on my waist and bended down to kiss me?! What the fuck!? This is not fucking America!
I pushed him away, and said sorry, I don't do this kind of thing. He was okay about it. And when he entered the departure hall, I walked away as fast as I could out of the airport towards my car.
As I was driving away, my phone rang. It was him. He asked me if I was OK. I said, of course, why wouldn't I be? We hung up and I found a text on my phone. He sent me text while we were sitting side by side, earlier at the airport. He is such a strange man.
So we text and call each other from time to time after that. He told me to pray and fast in certain dates of the Islamic calendar and ask God to make us an easy path for a life together. I like him. But he was rushing me.
He also asked me to read the whole Quran during Ramadhan. He makes me go to bed at 8pm, like him. And wake up at 4.30 so I can pray and read the Yassin every morning, like him. He told me to go for the mandatory marriage course for muslims. I was like... what???? But I haven't gone yet. Cuz why would I wanna go if he doesn't even want to see me. After the stupid misunderstanding.
He said the earliest we could get married, was end of last year but that is not a good year so we better not.
He scares me in the sense that he seems like a lunatic in his plans. But he doesn't look like an evil mastermind to me. I don't know.
It all happened so suddenly. I didn't know what hit me.
Now I am scared and confused. I gave him three chances to walk away at different times. He said he is not leaving. He is just trying to look for a way to make things better between us. I thought he was just dodging the issue.
If I am not worth understanding, then why the hell does he want to have anything to do with me? He has 4 grown up, successful kids. He had a marriage. He has his job which he loves so much. He loves traveling and he does that a lot with his job. He's met a looooooot of people. But he picked me? Why does he want me? Do I look desperate to him? Just so he will have someone to wipe his ass when he is old and bedridden? He can pay people to do it for him. Then why bother working for something he doesn't need? Just because he wants?
You can probably see where I started cheating on you again. But I didn't tell you this because I want to reignite your anger and disappointment towards me. But what has happened seemed so strange that no one I have told could decipher his real agenda. I am scared of making the wrong decision. I'd rather be alone than be stuck with anyone and being miserable. I just don't know what I should do.
I am still not OK about him putting me on hold for such a long time. I am not a thing he can put aside whenever I inconvenienced him. I don't wanna meet him yet. I am still upset. But he is making plans to come over with another team from his college. I don't know how to tell him that I need more time away from him without hurting his feelings. So I just said OK whenever he started talking about his visit.
I though he was Chinese. Then he gave me his business card. His name was Haji Something bin Something. Underneath it, Principal. And I thought he was the staff. And then we talked He is a Melanau and Malay mix. Reserved. Introverted. He wore glasses. The quiet, nerdy type, but not too much. He went to Harvard for his master's degree, as it said on the card. He seemed so much like the type I would like to be with, but he'd most probably be happily married with kids out of the nest and he is enjoying life and work again. I am not gonna be a home-wrecker.
Took him to the school hall for the program, introduced him to the students and sat for a while before I left for my classes. Then sat with him through lunch.
At the top of the steps before he left, he asked me for my number. I am in charge of the students, he does these programs for kids, so I thought OKlah, give you my number.
Then we played 'guess how much my back pack costs'. I said RM400. He said, smart. I thought to myself, snob. Then he got into the van, and was on his way back to town.
That evening he called me if we could go for dinner. I said yes, but took Zana along for company. I went because I thought he might be feeling awkward eating alone.
Two weeks later he called me up on my phone again and asked if I could go to Limbang for dinner with him. He's from Kuching, but he would be in Limbang for a program the next week. He offered to pay for accommodations when I was hesitant. I refused because I would have to spend the night in Limbang and will be late for school the next day.
Besides, that seemed dodgy to me.
I was instructed to join the centralized practice for netball in Limbang the next Wednesday, the same day he was due to leave for Kuching from Limbang.
The fact that I was not fit for the tournament made me fight the decision of making me part of the team who will go to Kuching for the Divisions. I suggested other people only to be told that by my manager that he doesn't care about the other people. He wanted me to go. He didn't say why, but maybe cuz my team won when I was the one cheering on the side of the court. I was a lunatic. You'd be embarrassed to see me. LOL.
It was Wednesday, and I didn't have anything packed. I rushed back home to pack up my things and text messaged him telling him I'd be there indeed. He said, ok, so he'll wait for me.
I got there 3 hours later. Picked him up in front of his hotel, took him to a restaurant along with my two friends who came with me in my car for the practice. I asked him, when was his flight leaving. He said, it already left. I didn't know what to say to that. He asked me when was I leaving for Lawas again. I said, Friday. He said, then he will have to postpone flying back till Friday then.
I thought he was a smooth operator.
Then dropped him off at his hotel. Went for practice.
Wenesday night : dinner, with Hajjah Kiah and Kak Fatimah and him.
Thursday morning : breakfast with him and the gang. Then netball practice.
Thursday afternoon : took the gang to the plaza to look for futsal boots. He asked me where I was on text. I told him. He told me he was at the market. And then he was in the lobby. The plaza building is adjacent to the hotel building. Later on, I text him it was time to go. He text me back that he was still at the lobby. What would that mean? Not wanting to be rude, I went to see him in the lobby; in the sweaty, smelly things I had on and face so shiny, my friends can see their image on my cheeks. He was not shocked to see me that way. Which I took as a sign of him not interested in me in any way. Which is a good thing, because then I would not have such hard time saying 'No' when he whips out the bottles of slimming pills.
He had 4 huge grilled fish from the market with him in the lobby and he wanted to take me to lunch. We talked some and then I called my friends who were waiting for me at KFC and told them about the plan and I am taking all of them with me. All 4 of them. And we still couldn't finish the 4 fish, they were so big.
Went to the park for a walk after lunch. With him and the gang. But the gang walked the other way. I hollered at them why they walking away? They yelled back, go ahead, go ahead, we're right here. I was like.... huh? He said, let 'em go anywhere they want, they'll be fine.
Walked and talked. It was ... I don't know. Never been there, never done that. I didn't really know what his intentions were. I swear. I thought he was being nice because he wanted to sell some slimming product. He wouldn't be the first to do that; be nice to me so I'd buy their stuff.
Took him back to his hotel and went for another round of practice and then went to my friend's place for a shower.
He asked me if I had plans that night. I said no. He said come to dinner then, he had prawns, clams, veggies, and watermelon from the market. Asked Hajjah Kiah and Kak Fatimah to come along. They refused. Kak Fatimah said she was too tired. Hajjah Kiah said no too because she wanted me to go there alone so he could have some time alone with me. I asked her, why do you want me to have some time alone with him? So he can whip out the slimming pills he's been wanting to sell to me since the first day he saw me??? She said, don't be SILLY! He's a nice man and he might wanna say something so I don't wanna be there spoiling the mood. I was like.... NOOOO....!!! Please come with me, please, please! I'd like to have someone to be there with me when I say No to his slimming pills. She said... Yus! Quit that. He's not gonna do any of that sort. Go have dinner, have fun.
I was like.... FINE! I'll go. I can say no, no problem.
Waited for him in the lobby. He came up to me from behind and asked me if my friends are with me. I said, no. He said... we are going to have some trouble with dinner then. I saw him holding a huge plastic bag. Inside was enough food for 4 people. 4 really greedy people, that is. Took him in the car to the open air food stalls. He asked the cook to prepare the things he's got there.
We ate. Like ... I don't know what. More than any normal people would eat when they are hungry. And there was still a lot left. Then there was the watermelon. All the while, I was thinking, when is he gonna start telling me about his health product. Then there were the peanuts. Then I said I have had enough, no more food for the next few days. He laughed. And then I suggested we take a walk. He asked them to put the leftovers in doggy bags for me to take home. Left them in the car, and we went for a walk all over the town. It was a breezy night. We walked all the way to the end of the waterfront and then doubled back to his hotel. The mosque was next to it, there was a line on marble benches right in front, we sat there and talked. The burger stall guy probably listened to most of the things we said. He told me everything. Like I was shocked that he was telling me all that he was telling me. What was he thinking? Even why he and his wife had split up. I told him about you. Of course he thought I was cuckoo. I told him you weren't that badlah. Just married. Then I looked at my watch, it was already 11.30. I am such a rude guest. I had to rush back. It was so late already. I left him in front of the hotel and drove back.
I changed and was in bed thinking about what had happened. Why was he being so nice? What did he want? Then a text came in. It simply said, I think I like you.
I thought... think? You think? THINK you like me? I showed Hajjah Kiah the text, she was sleeping next to me. She said... There, I told you so....
I text him back, I think I like you too. Keyword here is like. I thought it was gonna be just another one of those friend friend thing. Until the next morning that is.
I text him that we'd go for breakfast, then drop my friends of for practice, and then I dropped him off at the airport, how does that sound? He said, that sounds good. Thank you.
He called me the next morning to see if I can have breakfast with him at the hotel restaurant instead, just the two of us. I thought to myself, in my sportswear? I look bad in most things. I look the worst in that. He's seen me all dirty and smelly. I didn't want the other hotel guests to see me with him and embarrass him. So I said, I have to take my friends with me. So with my friends tagging along, I picked him up, took him for some nasi lemak. Then dropped my friends at practice and drove him to the airport.
In the car he told me he was in love with me. I thought to myself, he might be a mental case. I just smiled blankly at him. At the airport, I waited with him for the boarding. He played with his phone while I looked at people. When it was time to go, he placed his hands on my waist and bended down to kiss me?! What the fuck!? This is not fucking America!
I pushed him away, and said sorry, I don't do this kind of thing. He was okay about it. And when he entered the departure hall, I walked away as fast as I could out of the airport towards my car.
As I was driving away, my phone rang. It was him. He asked me if I was OK. I said, of course, why wouldn't I be? We hung up and I found a text on my phone. He sent me text while we were sitting side by side, earlier at the airport. He is such a strange man.
So we text and call each other from time to time after that. He told me to pray and fast in certain dates of the Islamic calendar and ask God to make us an easy path for a life together. I like him. But he was rushing me.
He also asked me to read the whole Quran during Ramadhan. He makes me go to bed at 8pm, like him. And wake up at 4.30 so I can pray and read the Yassin every morning, like him. He told me to go for the mandatory marriage course for muslims. I was like... what???? But I haven't gone yet. Cuz why would I wanna go if he doesn't even want to see me. After the stupid misunderstanding.
He said the earliest we could get married, was end of last year but that is not a good year so we better not.
He scares me in the sense that he seems like a lunatic in his plans. But he doesn't look like an evil mastermind to me. I don't know.
It all happened so suddenly. I didn't know what hit me.
Now I am scared and confused. I gave him three chances to walk away at different times. He said he is not leaving. He is just trying to look for a way to make things better between us. I thought he was just dodging the issue.
If I am not worth understanding, then why the hell does he want to have anything to do with me? He has 4 grown up, successful kids. He had a marriage. He has his job which he loves so much. He loves traveling and he does that a lot with his job. He's met a looooooot of people. But he picked me? Why does he want me? Do I look desperate to him? Just so he will have someone to wipe his ass when he is old and bedridden? He can pay people to do it for him. Then why bother working for something he doesn't need? Just because he wants?
You can probably see where I started cheating on you again. But I didn't tell you this because I want to reignite your anger and disappointment towards me. But what has happened seemed so strange that no one I have told could decipher his real agenda. I am scared of making the wrong decision. I'd rather be alone than be stuck with anyone and being miserable. I just don't know what I should do.
I am still not OK about him putting me on hold for such a long time. I am not a thing he can put aside whenever I inconvenienced him. I don't wanna meet him yet. I am still upset. But he is making plans to come over with another team from his college. I don't know how to tell him that I need more time away from him without hurting his feelings. So I just said OK whenever he started talking about his visit.
Saturday, February 3, 2007
free
Perhaps I made myself seem like a person entrapped in a loveless relationship. For the one I love dearly, I want you to know, that I am aware that I am totally free to leave this if I want to. If and when I want to.
So, do not fret about the thing you said to me about not breaking up with him.
So, do not fret about the thing you said to me about not breaking up with him.
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
True love, anyone?
We all want it, even if we do not exactly know what to do with it. Most of us think that we want it for all the right reasons. Some of us wants it just simply because we think we deserve it. True love with the right person would be the ultimate gift of joy. But with the wrong one would simply be a most pitiful waste.
Some would say that we will not be drained of emotions, although I have to say that when my last relationship ended four years ago, I was emotionally drained. And for a long while, even after I was past the sadness, that imaginary reservoir in my head that was supposed to store all my ability to love someone other than my family member was virtually empty. It would be too much if I said that I swore off love thereon after. Come to think of it, I was never aware of any potential men. Is it because there was none, or because there were a few but I was unwilling to see? It doesn’t really matter, because I have always preferred to wait for everything. Or at least pretend to do so.
Perhaps I am perceived as that sort of person who is open-minded and not easily offended by casual remarks. That is the case most of the time. I wear my heart on my sleeve, oh, such a drama queen that I am. I have tried to hide my feelings, but when I do that, after a while, I would feel like I would burst at the seams. When I am upset over something, people will know. Because they are used to seeing the sunshine in me, I suppose? I have noticed that when I don’t smile for a few minutes, people will ask what the matter is.
People seem to think they can come up to me and say anything and won’t get a nasty slap on the face. I appreciate that and I don’t think I want it to be any other way.
About a month ago, when I went to the usual place where I have my lunch, one of the patrons stopped me on the way to the buffet table. He started out with this,
“When are you planning to apply for a transfer?” That is such a typical question I get, day in, day out. So I am used to it.
“Oh, didn’t you know already? I am planning to retire here.” A joke that I hope would turn out to be a reality.
“That is wonderful news!” his companion chimed in.
“Of course it is. I love this place. I just hope no one would move me to another place without my knowing.” Another joke.
“They won’t do anything like that I am sure.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yes, yes, I am very sure. But you know, no matter how long you are planning to stay here, please, please, please do not spend it all alone. It would be such a waste.” There it is; the bomb.
“Ah, that is true.” And while I was mulling over a good come back, he slipped in another.
“Why aren’t you married yet?”
Actually, I was not offended by the question. Even his statement before that was a compliment; people at the Jabatan cares enough about me to talk about my state of being single and aspirations to spend the rest of my life in a secluded area, all alone with all my spark and fire and wit, all alone, is deemed such a waste that should be counteracted. Oh, the glory of such attention. And having been asked that question so many times before makes me immune to its implications. Besides, I know they mean well.
“I am too picky.” Which is true. I do not want to be another statistic in the huge number of unhappy desperate married women.
“It is not wrong to be choosy, but when the time comes, I hope you will jump at the chance.”
“Don’t worry, I will.” I am not sure I would do anything like that but if that would make him happy and let me get to that buffet table, then that is what I am going to say.
“Okay, all the best, and please remember what I said.”
Being married should be a wonderful thing. Being married to the man you love with all your being and who loves you just as much and maybe just a smidgen more would be even better. So why would I want to settle for the average run-of the-mill man out of fear of complications? I want more out of my life-time commitment. I want it all. So if I have to wait longer than the rest, I will. And if there is no one, all I have done is waste my ovum, and I will just die a single old woman. Har har har.
What would be the ideal man? Simply put, I want a man who would inspire awe in me. Someone with intelligence. Someone I can look up to. Someone I can respect. He can teach me a lot of things and won’t be afraid of me lashing out at him when he tells me I am mistaken about something because I always do that out of habit, not because he is any less human than the rest of the population. He should be able to see that underneath it all, he is my everything. He should also have a lot of patience, because I can be one stubborn mule. And he should be able to love me, love me, love me because I am sometimes a difficult person to love.
What is ideal in a marriage? I don’t know because I have never been in one. And the ones that I have been given the opportunity to glimpse into had been not up to par. I am sure they have done their best. I am just sad that some good people I know end up having to suffer in a marriage such as theirs when I always like to think that they could do better than that. I am not saying that they should get divorced and start from scratch with someone new. But asking them to realize what they are doing to each other is emotionally and physically damaging so they need to get off their ass and fix things so they can have a better life together, would be too much, since I am unmarried myself.
Sure, I can say all this things and grin because I have never been there. But then, I have been a part of my parents’ marriage. While it was not all a bed of roses for them, at least they worked hard to make it work. They talked. Well, some of the time they yelled and shouted and called each other names, but then that is what worked for them. I would like to find out what works for me. But I guess I have scared off a potential over something silly; I cared too much about him that I started worrying after just a few hours and said some things in a harsh way. I hurt his feelings and now he is having second thoughts about me or has actually decided to cash in the chips. I don’t know. It’s been a couple of months since we spoke on the phone.
While I do not think that caring for someone is a bad thing, I do have to make it a point that it is not normal to worry about someone the way I did after just a few hours and hurting his feelings would definitely not drive the ball home. I could have been more subtle. Poor guy.
He must have thought I was a total psycho for being the way I was. I am so not. If I had known he left his cellphone at home I would not have worked myself up over that. Honest! My mother is the big worrier. I am her daughter but I do not want to have that part of her in me. But she is a great mother. I love her.
I can’t change what has happened but I can make sure to be better in handling these things in the future with him or some other person. It is just another experience to make me better in my people skills.
I always learn something best when I have to do it the hard way.
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