of being single

One guy told me, you know why you're still single? You're probably not a good seller.

I don't 'sell' myself out to potential 'buyers'. I get his analogy. I have seen and known women with a lot less getting married and living up their happily ever after Disney fairy tales.

I hate promoting myself to potential guys. And why should I? I seriously do not swing with the new-age dating scheme thing. Nor do I find meek men appealing. So much so that the women has to make the first move. That is so not the kind of party I would find myself going to.

My boss once told me that I should tone it down a bit, once I have met a potential. You are a likeable person, but guys don't really go for loud girls like you, he said. Imagine that, coming from your boss. I'd have done something REALLY bad to him had he not been my boss. He meant it in a good, fatherly way anyway, so I just grinned and bear it.

I do see the need to tone it down for appearances' sake, but will the guy be able to accept it once he finds out the truth? One thing about toning it down that I hate is, how long can you really have the self-control to keep your true self from him before you burst at the seams and all hell breaks loose? And will I be able to bear the look of disappointment and disgust once he finds out?

I can do what most men can do. Well, except for producing sperm. I have been taking good care of myself and still do. I avoid any kind of night-life. I have pretty much been a good person. I just haven't met the right one.

And some idiot will surely come along and say something idiotic like, hey, you say you're happy being on your own, but who will take care of the matters in the bedroom, *wink* *wink*. Seriously, that's what 'the rabbit' is for.

That was a joke.

One more time, SERIOUSLY, settling down with the right person is not just for sex. Yes, that is one of the most basic human needs in order to function well, I guess. But having seen my own parents, I cannot reiterate enough that I am aware of the fact that there is more, way more to a marriage than sex. And the fact that you will have to wake up next to a person who can't cut it, for the next 30 to 50 years of my life doesn't really send me the right message about it anyway.

My life, despite the many rosy and fun things I've done and the fun and good people I have met, I can never deny the fact that in some aspects of my life, has been an experiment in bad decisions. But I know that things can be worse. And I am not spiteful or regretful of the experiences, because they have been great teachers in human character. They have taught me to be cautious but not cynical.

The last one, being a Hajj, with a reputable job and a spic-and-span appearance. He saw, me, he liked me, he wooed me, and we dated. And I was never the freaky psycho girlfriend people keep playing up in movies. But his intentions were never good from the very beginning. He was just very good at keeping them from me. And it's not all that hard to trust a person like him given his status in society. Three years is long enough to be patient, and it got harder and harder to ignore the signs. It didn't seem like it was going anywhere, so I left.

As for expectations; those of you who do not have expectations what-so-ever of your spouse, raise your hands.

I thought so.

So why blame me for having certain expectations, for the person whom I want settle down with? After all, I am the one who will be waking up next to him for the rest of my life. However, don't get me wrong. My mom told me once, if you get even 50% of the 100% of the things you expect from the guy you are going to marry, consider yourself lucky. I believe her. I just look at my dad, and all the nasty things my mom said to my dad in their fights will just go away. My mom really did get my dad get away with a lot of things. And yet, she is still the same devoted wife and mom I knew when dad was around. Mom still loves him despite his shortcomings and often talks about him when I am around. No, dad was not perfect, but they loved each other. Him being gone hurts her so much.

And my mom also told me, the first three years of your marriage will be the worst. This does not apply to everyone. But it will surely apply to me, since I know myself very well to deny the fact that there will be some nasty teething problems.

So, having realistic expectations of man and marriage? Check.

At the end of the day, there are plenty of good men who are driven to love and and be loved, to do anything in their power to make their loved ones have the life he'd dream of them having. Who will appreciate my Chef Micheal Smith's no-recipe type dinners. Who wants to spend the rest of his life with me who will enjoy the kinds of movies I like to watch, cuz I like boys movies most of the time anyway. Who will stay even when I hurt him. Who will miss me dreadfully when I am away. I know he exists. I just haven't crossed paths with him yet.

So, after years of self-analysis, numerous reads, endless self-punishment, I have finally come to the conclusion that there is nothing majorly wrong with who I am and the way I choose to be. All the guys/jerks I've met before are just people whom I have to pass by before meeting the one. It's a more difficult, grittier path for me, because God knows I have the balls to go through it all and that I will persevere, no matter what.

Despite it all, if I never find him, hadn't it been all written in the stars anyway?

If you're a friend, and you're reading this, please don't judge. Yes, I'd ask you to pray for me, but I think it is up to me, to ask God for what he thinks I deserve. There is no blame nor sadness or regret.

I'm not sad, nor am I blaming anyone for my lack of spouse as I am reaching 34. I'm just writing out what's in my mind. All the scathing remarks I have made as I lash out on Facebook as my so-called updates, are not exactly what I have been thinking throughout the years. And it's no even the tip of the iceberg. It's just Facebook.

Don't you think there is more to you than your Facebook updates? There is definitely more to me than mine.

Disclaimer : This is just something from the top of my head. It does not concern anyone on my FB list, dead or alive. I have not done an empirical study of this matter. Nor am I claiming that the married world population are doing it wrong or unhappy with their choices. It is just me and my singlehood. I leave everything to God.

Everything that is good is from God, and the bad, from me and my own weaknesses.

Peace out.

Of being single

One guy told me, you know why you're still single? You're probably not a good seller.

I don't 'sell' myself out to potential 'buyers'. I get his analogy. I have seen and known women with a lot less getting married and living up their happily ever after Disney fairy tales.

I hate promoting myself to potential guys. And why should I? I seriously do not swing with the new-age dating scheme thing. Nor do I find meek men appealing. So much so that the women has to make the first move. That is so not the kind of party I would find myself going to.

My boss once told me that I should tone it down a bit, once I have met a potential. You are a likeable person, but guys don't really go for loud girls like you, he said. Imagine that, coming from your boss. I'd have done something REALLY bad to him had he not been my boss. He meant it in a good, fatherly way anyway, so I just grinned and bear it.

I do see the need to tone it down for appearances' sake, but will the guy be able to accept it once he finds out the truth? One thing about toning it down that I hate is, how long can you really have the self-control to keep your true self from him before you burst at the seams and all hell breaks loose? And will I be able to bear the look of disappointment and disgust once he finds out?

I can do what most men can do. Well, except for producing sperm. I have been taking good care of myself and still do. I avoid any kind of night-life. I have pretty much been a good person. I just haven't met the right one.

And some idiot will surely come along and say something idiotic like, hey, you say you're happy being on your own, but who will take care of the matters in the bedroom, *wink* *wink*. Seriously, that's what 'the rabbit' is for.

That was a joke.

One more time, SERIOUSLY, settling down with the right person is not just for sex. Yes, that is one of the most basic human needs in order to function well, I guess. But having seen my own parents, I cannot reiterate enough that I am aware of the fact that there is more, way more to a marriage than sex. And the fact that you will have to wake up next to a person who can't cut it, for the next 30 to 50 years of my life doesn't really send me the right message about it anyway.

My life, despite the many rosy and fun things and people I have done and met, can never deny the fact that in some aspects of my life, has been an experiment in bad decisions. But I know that things can be worse. And I am not spiteful or regretful of the experiences, because they have been great teachers in human character. They have taught me to be cautious but not cynical.

The last one, being a Hajj, with a reputable job and a spic-and-span appearance. He saw, me, he liked me, he wooed me, and we dated. And I was never the freaky psycho girlfriend people keep playing up in movies. But his intentions were never good from the very beginning. He was just very good at keeping them from me. And it's not all that hard to trust a person like him given his status in society. Three years is long enough to be patient, and it got harder and harder to ignore the signs. It didn't seem like it was going anywhere, so I left.

As for expectations; those of you who do not have expectations what-so-ever of your spouse, raise your hands.

I thought so.

So why blame me for having certain expectations, for the person whom I want settle down with? After all, I am the one who will be waking up next to him for the rest of my life. However, don't get me wrong. My mom told me once, if you get even 50% of the 100% of the things you expect from the guy you are going to marry, consider yourself lucky. I believe her. I just look at my dad, and all the nasty things my mom said to my dad in their fights will just go away. My mom really did get my dad get away with a lot of things. And yet, she is still the same devoted wife and mom I knew when dad was around. Mom still loves him despite his shortcomings and often talks about him when I am around. No, dad was not perfect, but they loved each other. Him being gone hurts her so much.

And my mom also told me, the first three years of your marriage will be the worst. This does not apply to everyone. But it will surely apply to me, since I know myself very well to deny the fact that there will be some nasty teething problems.

So, having realistic expectations of man and marriage? Check.

At the end of the day, there are plenty of good men who are driven to love and and be loved, to do anything in their power to make their loved ones have the life he'd dream of them having. Who will appreciate my Chef Micheal Smith's no-recipe type dinners. Who wants to spend the rest of his life with me who will enjoy the kinds of movies I like to watch, cuz I like boys movies most of the time anyway. Who will stay even when I hurt him. Who will miss me dreadfully when I am away. I know he exists. I just haven't crossed paths with him yet.

So, after years of self-analysis, numerous reads, endless self-punishment, I have finally come to the conclusion that there is nothing majorly wrong with who I am and the way I choose to be. All the guys/jerks I've met before are just people whom I have to pass by before meeting the one. It's a more difficult, grittier path for me, because God knows I have the balls to go through it all and that I will persevere, no matter what.

Despite it all, if I never find him, hadn't it been all written in the stars anyway?

If you're a friend, and you're reading this, please don't judge. Yes, I'd ask you to pray for me, but I think it is up to me, to ask God for what he thinks I deserve. There is no blame nor sadness or regret.

I'm not sad, nor am I blaming anyone for my lack of spouse as I am reaching 34. I'm just writing out what's in my mind. All the scathing remarks I have made as I lash out on Facebook as my so-called updates, are not exactly what I have been thinking throughout the years. And it's no even the tip of the iceberg. It's just Facebook.

Don't you think there is more to you than your Facebook updates? There is definitely more to me than mine.

Disclaimer : This is just something from the top of my head. It does not concern anyone on my FB list, dead or alive. I have not done an empirical study of this matter. Nor am I claiming that the married world population are doing it wrong or unhappy with their choices. It is just me and my singlehood. I leave everything to God.

Everything that is good is from God, and the bad, from me and my own weaknesses.

Peace out.

our 2010 road trip #1

This is the route we took this time around...

Saturday, up from Sipitang to Tenom. Yes, the road was steep, but it was not that bad if you know how to handle your car. Breaking is not just about stepping on the break pedal and hanging on to dear life. It's also about controlling the speed of your car with your gears. When you know if is going downhill, quit pushing the gas pedal and shift to a lower gear. Yes, your engine will roar, but your break pads won't heat up and malfunction and kill you and everyone in the car with you.

On the way up we found this spot where there wind blew like there was a wind tunnel and the view ofd the cliff was spectacular. I wish I own that place so I can build a retreat there and wake up to that view every day for the rest of my life. It was spectacular; greenest of green, bluest of blue skies and whitest of whites. What else is there? Oh the wind... I've never been to the highlands of Tibet, but that was probably close.

We visited the Taman Pertanian, Then on to Keningau, through the unfinished road up to Kalabakan, which was a 250km stretch of gravel and dust. That took us 5 hours at 40kmph and keeping my fingers crossed that my car wouldn't be acting up with me being so severe with it. There it was in all its purple loneliness traversing such rough roads only 4x4 dared to roam. There were the occasional Kancil and Iswara's inching their way up and down the lonely and dusty road, but they all looked so beat up, they worry me as much as they comforted me, knowing that help won't be too far away if the need arises.
We stopped for some gas at a lonely stop over, in the middle of nowhere. RM30 worth of petrol just to get us to the nearest town.
We passed by Maliau Basin on the way there. Would be a good idea to call ahead and book yourself a guide and spend a few days trekking through its verdant virgin jungle. I have a book given to me by JEB which was a present he didn't really care about I guess. I'll spend some time reading it soon.

We stopped for some photos and after replenishing the milk bottle for the kitten(they came along since the mommy kitty died three days before we left for this trip) and zipped on to Tawau. Not before stopping again at Kalabakan for some more gas, which was fed into the tank via fifteen platic soda bottles.

From there, no more gravel road and being able to drive at normal speeds really pumped up our morale after having been shaken and stirred and everything in between inside the care up the five-hour long trek along the gravelly road.

As we approached the town, we found a mamak style restaurant and decided it was high time we stopped for a meal. Everyone was famished so we pleased to be able to have somewaht familiar foods that evening which consisted of nasi briyani and chicken korma.

With stomachs full, we went on into the town of Tawau and checked in to King Lee hotel. Tried calling other hotels while we stopped for dinner but they were all booked out. Decided to gamble it, and found this gem of a place. Everything about the hotel was new. I'm not sure if it was new or just newly renovated, but anyone planning to go to Tawau should consider staying there because the rooms are newly furnished, spacious and not expensive at all.

The next day, we drove around town a little bit, had breakfast and went to Pasar Besar Tawau. I have been there once, so I just let the others check it out, while I stocked up on supplied for hygiene. Traveling with five kittens can be quite dirty. Armed with Dettol multicleaner and some kitchen towels, the rest of the trip felt so much cleaner and fresher both for me and the rest of the crew.

On the way out, we stopped at the airport for some cash and a loo break. Can't help but went to see the gift shops and got ourselves some cute tees; I chose a white one cuz white feels cooler while the others got some black ones and another white one and everyone had the same cute green big-headed turtle on it. Made us look like a team, which was cute.

We had some time to stop for some deer soup on the way out. Yeah, right outside the airport, there is a quaint little restaurant painted red all over, run by these pleasant Indonesian ladies who are always ready for a joke or two with the patrons. Not sure if they were really Indonesians though but they sure sound like them. This place is quite famous for its deer soup. I've been there only once before the last time I was there with Zana, Mimi, Saiful and Gossipzilla.

Next stop, was Sempoerna. I have such fond memories from the last two times I was there with my sister, friends and the forgettable N.

Planned to stay there overnight, so we can book a boat to go snorkeling on Mabul, Kapalai, Mataking or Sipadan even. But somehow we changed our minds. Honestly it was the rubbish that had put the crew off the idea. Sempoerna, as I remembered it, had never been the cleanest of towns, but now even the wonderful Dragon Inn is getting worse as visitors and restaurant operators keep dumping trash into the sea. It is such a sad thing to see the fish in the enclosure swimming amongst the garbage thrown in by visitors. People can be so ignorant if what a gift they have been given. I really hope the municipal council will open their eyes soon and take action so it doesn't get any worse, if not better.

We drove on to Lahad Datu and spent the night at Grace Hotel which used to be a member of the Residence group of hotels. The rooms although a little dated, is still clean and spacious. Since we got the executive suite, we got the room with king sized bed and a space for a coffee table. The next day, we visited Sandakan.

On the way there, we went over the bridge that went over the Kinabatangan river. A litte further down the road, we stopped by at these caves where the natives kept the coffins of their dearly depart. The coffins were carved out of tree trunks and for some of the more higher ranking members of the society, they even have buffalo heads into the coffin, making it look a little more extravagant than the rest. And these, the ones with the buffalo heads carved into them are stored in the highest cave. The rest were just arranged in the bigger cave down below. The ones higher up had some bees hovering and perched on them... some fresh sweet nectar from the dead, I presume. Yums?

These coffins looks almost like the ones that belong to the natives in the Indonesian Islands called the Toraja. Well, i am no archeologist. I saw those on NGC a few months prior. I might be wrong.

We climbed quite a few flights of stairs into the clouds... heh! Not really, but the trek up the wooden staircases left me in a puddle of sweat, panting and gasping for air. I am so out of shape... But it was all worth the effort as we were granted the gift of the surrounding view.

That is the highest summit for miles around so we could see the surrounding areas. Sadly, the lush greenery of the natural jungles have been replaced by miles upon miles of oil palms. As far as the eyes can see. The greedy hands of industry have wrapped itself tightly around most parts of Sabah it seems. It was a nice scenery anyway if you don't mind the oil palms. The air was clear of smog, so we could clearly see the Kinabatangan River flowly so slowly, winding its way around the green landscape like a lazy gigantic snake.

We carefully climbed down the stairs back to earth and after a quick tea break at the museum's canteen, were on our way to Sandakan. And it was not even half the day yet!
Ah, Sandakan. I was there again early last year, and it's already on its way to cleaning itself up. And there I was again. It's making great progress and I am so happy to see that the smelly and cramped disheveled seaside town is now all smartened up with fabulous waterfronts and fascinating boulevards. The old market that used to stink up the whole godforsaken town has been torn down replaced with a much bigger and better wet market-cum-crafts market a little ways up the road, away from the maddening crowd and the winding roads that wound it's way up and down the now quaint seaside town. We stopped at the Sim Sim Mosque for Dhur prayers and were again on our way.

On the way out, we stopped by at Sepilok to look at the orang utans. The big ones weren't there. Only the smaller, younger ones came over during feeding time.

They are fed bananas and basically the same things every feeding time so that they will get bored and eventually will become independent and forage on their own. I'm glad the bigger ones finally got the message. Of course it felt a little like a waste, but what's good for the animals should be good for us.

Next on the route was Kundasang. We saw a beautiful river, perfect for a swim as it had inlets and deep ends. We stopped there for a while. If it weren't for the fact that we were strapped for time, we might have stripped down to our skivvies and took a dip into the clean and refreshing mountain river. I have no idea what that place was called, but the rocky river can be seen from the bridge overhead and you could go down there easily from a little path from the side of the road. There were loads of photos taken while we were there. How we wish we could have swam in it!

Got to Ranau at 7pm. Before sunset, we did manage to sneak a peek into the breathtaking view of the highlands and couldn't help but stop a few times to have pictures taken. I have been up and down these winding slopes so many time before and they are still as enchanting as the first time I saw them.

This had never been planned to be a luxury trip, so I didn't book us into any hotel, gambling pretty much on luck. We probably ran out on that when we got to Ranau because when I called the hotels in Kundasang, as I should have realized during a long CNY break, were fully booked.

So what else is there to do than look around for any place we can find so we can just lay our head on a pillow with a mattress under us? We spent the night in a dingy backpacker's lodge that night. It was not too bad though. It was tiny but clean and no strange noises. Mind over matter, you see? At least it has a heater in the bathroom, tiny as it was.

And all because so we can see Kundasang and Kinabalu in all its glory the very next morning. Could have turned back to visit Sabah Tea plantation and the hot springs in Poring, but due to the fact that we are rushing to get to KK to hand over the house keys to Ain, I had to scratch that plan. Will have to go there again soon to cover the whole place. Couldn't do that the last visit cuz I had to rush downhill to KK to hand over the keys to Ain as she starts work the next day and was ready to leave KK at two o'clock that afternoon.

Planned to go up north to Kudat that same afternoon, but had to trash that plan since Ain's mom and dad were adamant that we don't go since it is a dangerous route. I've been there twice, with Zana and Mimi once and again with N. But when you don't listen to the elders, something bad is sure gonna happen, right? So we stayed put in KK that afternoon and spent the rest of the daytime with uncle and auntie. Doing what, you ask? Having tea at @mosphere of course. The infamous revolving restaurant is located on the 18th floor of the tallest building in Sabah. Thanks, auntie (Ain's mom) for the tea.

It offers a 360 degree bird's eye view of Kota Kinabalu city, the South China Sea and the Crocker Range. Nowhere else in Sabah can you do this. Best of all, the people there were kind enough to spin the restaurant just for us so we could see the beautiful sun as it sets behind Gaya Island. It usually starts spinning around at 7pm, but since we were early, auntie asked them to spin it a little early. We're so lucky!

It was too late to go back to the apartment but too early for our show, so we went up to the look-out point atop the hill to sample the view of the bustling city at night. Yo wanted to get some water color palletes for the kids at school so we made a quick dash to Karamunsing. The art store was closed. So we went back to the cinema and waited to go in for Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. So nice to see a movie that is doing okay after the mother of all modern fairy tales that is Harry Potter. After which we had some roasted seafood by the seaside, before returning to our apartment. Everyone seemed to be famished because the tuna, the other fish, the cuttle fish and the prawns we ordered vanished in a matter of minutes. That was some good eating.

The next day, we went home to Lawas and cuz Anim had to go back to Long Luping to start school on Thursday. But we'll awlays have time for a meal at Restoran Malaysia for the pau and nasi sambal. Always...

Verdict?
Yes, there were some kinks that needed to be ironed out, but nobody is perfect. Having said that, I am not denying that Sabah is one whole big party of natural wonders which will never run out of surprises.

This trip has indeed restored my faith in friends. New memories with new friends is always a good start to a good year. IMHO.

So, how did you spend your CNY break?

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone. May the year of the Tiger bring us much joy and strength and endless abundance be it in prosperity, luck and love.

a decade into the millenium...

sloth. literally. sloth.

This sure is the cutest of the seven deadly sins...

gila besar mata

The neighborhood will never be the same again...

ten meows

Nimbly bimbly from tree to tree....