Empty Complexity

forever

2010-08-14T15:08:00.002+08:00

This year is better for me, definitely. Especially when it comes to friends.

This year I have been brought closer to people whom I really appreciate having in my life. They make life worth living again. In Lawas, that is.

Last year, I came to know Nurul and Yo. They prove to be great people to have in good times and bad. And when the fun begins, it's always the best. Then earlier this year, Ain came in and joined us at this house. Last but not at all the least, Anim too eventually came to stay.

Then, there was Safri. I know, he's just a fling. At least for me he is. He's funny, charming, patient, and he likes having conversations with me. Most of the time he talks, but that's just fine, because I enjoy listening to his life's stories. He is way more interesting than I am and I have ran out of stories to tell. So I am quite content being the one listening, for the first time in my life, I have met a guy who is more interesting than myself. That just goes to show that I don't meet men much. Hahaha....

And then, there was Sapri. He's hilarious. He has a motormouth that does not stop talking especially when he's excited or nervous, I guess. Like me when I was younger. But he is such a people pleaser, he never says anything hurtful. He is just that kind of nice. First thing he ever complimented me was that he can't believe that I was 34. He thought I was 24. Gosh, if I was that kind of conceited, I would have believed him.

So, I do wish that they can read this. I just wanna tell them that although I don't tell them how much I do appreciate them being in my life as my departure draws closer, I want them to know that no matter where I'll be, they will always be in my heart, for they are the reasons that have restored my faith in friends.

Terima kasih kerana mengingatkan akak betapa berharganya persahabatan. Semoga kalian berjaya dan terus makmur di dalam apa jua bidang yang kalian ceburi. Ya Allah, panjangkanlah umur dan murahkanlah rezeki mereka. Limpahkanlah rahmatmu ke atas mereka. Amin.

love, interrupted

2010-08-14T08:55:00.003+08:00

Feeling awesome.

First day I get to fast. Because I have not been able to since day one. Woke up pretty early, slept pretty late, maybe I am getting old. But sleep is always a blissful sound one each and every night. Just shorter than it used to when I was younger.

So, what's new? Nothing...

Had a nice iftar with Nurul, Anem, Sapri, Yo and my current 'man of interest' Safri. I cooked ketam masak lemak cili api, mixed veggies and Sapri made Pucuk paku tumis belacan. There were sugar cane juice, coconut water, and ice cream soda and lincheekang for him. Pears and oranges and apples and also durian, which was courtesy of him.

We had some really nice conversation. Great huge laughters and some pretty darn things have been said.... the best one being, haa tu durian kucing tidur.... and soon after that Sapri went, ha, ini durian anjing berjimak to which everybody laughed out so hard. He's so funny that way. You'll never expect what comes out of his mouth.

Thinking of making sambal udangfor iftar tonight.

Had such a great time, I wished it would last the whole night.

But Safri is always quiet when he's out with my friends. Maybe he's shy or maybe he's trying to reassure my friends that kakak besar mereka ni is not dating the wrong person, despite the things they have heard about him, which, mostly are true. He's told me everything. But he does make conversation and laughed along with us. He made enough eye contact with my friends not to make them suspicious. He made his best effort to look at me with that look of love. Contrary to his personality when he is with his friends. He's much more out-spoken and funnier too. He's always funny and he teases people a lot. And hyperactive. Hate that about him. Because he never sits still, even at the dinner table. Darn him.

But Nurul and Anem spent time talking to him on the jetty at Haji Latif's house in Kuala Lawas barely three weeks ago, after I went to bed, after the bbq dinner and the cleaning up. He asked them a lot of things about me. And Nurul told me that from that conversation, she knew he wanted to have something more with me.

But I am too jaded to believe her. To me, it's just infatuation. Boys and their new toys. They always have this gleam in their eyes when they are opening the box and taking the toy out of the box for the first time. He's probably having that 'new toy' episode with me that time.

And I am not wrong in assuming that. He's since made efforts and hinted on more things to come. But he's exactly like my dad. The type I am really trying to avoid. Although I am highly attracted to needy guys like him, I know in my mind that I will not be able to live a long and contented happy life with a man as needy as him. He's just another big baby, and a spoiled one at that, who needs my company and constant attention.

He's made plans and he see a future with me. He tells me his plans. They're not to my liking, though.... :-) no offence, but he's funny if he thinks I'll be happy with what he has in mind. But he's working on it, I'm sure.

I like him. Very much. There is definitely sayang, but not in love with him yet. Probably never. Keeping my mind intact. Keeping my sanity from fleeing me. Keeping my heart where it belongs; with me. Because the inevitable will eventually happen.

When it does, I have no one to blame for for my broken heart but myself. If I am not careful.

Being very careful. Very careful.

Inevitably, as a convert, your ex needs your guidance more than I do. While I do hope that there is something for you and I in the end, my logic tells me to prepare for the worst. If I seem aloof and unaffected by you, it's just me protecting myself. I can't leave Lawas and keep my sanity when a big chunk of my heart remains here with you.

Poyo, undoubtedly. But that's what I told him on sms yesterday.

I wish, I wish, Oh how I wish, but I don't see a future with him, being the playboy that he is. Can't believe that I am that woman who is attracted to bad boys. I thought that only happens to other people and not me. But now see who's getting excited by the bad boy of Kuching? Li'l ole me....

Some people say, with my personality, I will have a better chance at snagging a man and settling down once I move back home. I am still learning to believe that. I hope so. But if not, I'd be happy to be on my own and sort out my life alone.

It's just the many ironies of my life, the way I see it. I spent the last eleven years of my life in this town, thinking and wondering whether I would meet my soulmate here. But nobody dared to approach me. None whatsoever! And now, when I am leaving, a guy brave enough to say something to me comes along. And he came along with a lot of baggage. Begging for my understanding, cherishing my company. Surely this is frightening all of the people who are close to me. But seriously, they need not have worried. I am old enough to know when I am in serious trouble. One is now preaching to me about the sanctity of a relationship in our faith by constantly tagging me to her articles on Facebook. That is so damned IRRITATING. I am just inches away from telling her to just shove it up her ass already. Acting so high and mighty when she cries non-stop every night. Every night, okay? Who's life need sorting out, really? Do you see me crying every night over petty things? I do not take every single details in life with the same amount of seriousness anymore. I am indeed able to live my life more than she does. I hope when she gets older, she will realize that not everything is worth shedding tears over.

Seriously she is a nice gal, but really, and I really really do not want to hurt her feelings because she is a housemate of mine. There is no use hurting her feelings when her intentions were purely innocent. She is trying to save me from making mistakes that would make me hate myself later. I think. And I believe, she is doing it the best way she thinks she knows how.

But still, as the person that she is directing her concern on, I am getting more and more irritated. Still, she is not the bad guy in this situation. I am just being a very stubborn girl. Like a hardheaded teenager.

Actually, I want to laugh at her efforts. All this preaching about keberkatan and ketulusan of a relationship in the faith, she is acting like I am HOPING for a marriage in this relationship. I am not. It's just a fling. He'll eventually go back to his ex-wife, who is a convert. Obviously, she needs him more that I do. Besides, if I took him home to see my mom and and my family, would you honestly think that they would be happy to accept him into the family given the baggage and the reputation he came with? I seriously doubt that my mother would think that I am sane in thinking that they would accept him. I might even get disowned. And most probably, she'd say, "Dah takde jantan lain kat dunia ni, ke Lynette?" Which would make her right again. As always.

So, perhaps it would hurt his feelings if he reads this post and realize that to me, despite the things I say to him, the feelings I have for him, is not a permanent thing, like I said, just a fling. But a girl has to do what a girl has to do and that means protecting herself by any means possible. That includes being a bitch about it. But at least, I am not lying to him in mentioning over and over again that we'll be history once I leave.

Am I not saddened by this? To have yearned for love only to find it in him? Hey, he's a player. He's got skills. I am totally aware of this fact, therefore, although I am once again brimming with enthusiasm and life, I am not swept away by his charms. Just enough to keep me high-spirited. But not enough to get my head so high up in the clouds.

It's complicated. But it's what one makes of it, like most things. To me, it's not. But to outsiders who feels that it is their obligation to burden themselves with my concerns, it's really bad because I am at risk of hurting myself. Seriously people! I'm not 17 anymore! Time to let loose and live, already!

About time you learn to let go of the people who are not asking you to worry about them. And although they may not look like they know what they are doing, how would you know? You're not there in their place. It's hard, but you will have to learn to trust people for their ability in making the best judgment. We're born to learn from our mistakes. I think I have made enough to learn enough.

If there is one good thing, make that two good things about him that I can say is that he is patient with me and he had always been respectful of me. He never raised his voice to me, despite the fact that I can be a rather infuriating person to be with sometimes. Yes, I test people. And sometimes, to their limits. I have not tested him to his limits yet. I might. We'll see.

So, saya sayang dia. But that is all there is to it. We enjoy each other's company. We look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day. And we talk on the phone regularly every day and evening before bed. It's a relationship, albeit a non-conventional one. But it's working just nice for him and I, so why worry about it?

One thing is for sure though, I love him enough to want him to be happy, with or without me. He's a bad boy trying to make right. Doing his best to make amends. And I think, I am the only one who believes him. Or fooled by him, whichever way you like to see it. At least I can tell him honestly that I do believe him and he will make that transition eventually, when he's ready. At least he's stopped smoking since we started dating.

The first night we went out, he took me to a party. I felt so out of place with so many people staring at me and Nurul. But he stuck close. So I felt safe. Then he took me to his uncle's house for a bbq party. He'd probably take me to his family's house if they were closer. But he's had practice before, so I don't see anything special in that. He is just that brash... or brave. Whichever you wanna call it. I just like the fact that he's not scared of anything.

And the last time we went out, we went to his friend's house, to see his ailing grandmother. Ziarah orang sakit. He told his friend there who flew in from Kuching that I am indeed his current flame. And when asked when is the marriage, he'd smile that Chesire cat smile he has and he'll say, after umrah, we'll see.

At least he never lied to me about the fact that he is torn between settling down with me for good, or go back to his merciless convert ex-wife with the mouth of a dirty gutter. He hurts his feelings so much with her words, but when a man loves a woman...

And he introduces me to everyone he sees as his girlfriend. But like I said, I'm jaded, I always look at him with that skeptical look in my face whenever he tells me that he told people that he's seeing someone.

Sure, I might get carried away, it's a nice feeling I have in my gut at the moment. But will you ever see me cry every night over it? Definitely not.

Because big girls don't cry. Surely.

shitty

2010-06-29T19:46:00.005+08:00

The last time I felt this shitty, I was hospitalized for seven days and was on the drip throughout.

And that was thirteen years ago.

Friday : Took a supposedly day-trip to KK to get the phone software upgraded. But spent the night anyway because we felt like it. And too tired to drive back. I'm getting old and my stamina is really low lately.

Saturday : Finished whatever we came to KK for and drove home. The cats...

Sunday morning : Already felt the sniffles. Then the coughing. After the wantan soup, everything went downhill.

Sunday night : My body was on fire but I felt cold. I wondered if I should get myself to the emergency room, but I was too sick to even get out of bed, let alone get dressed and drag myself into the car. I was aching all over. It felt like only death could end it.

Monday morning : Called in sick. My body felt like it went through a leather tanning machine. My head was throbbing. The fever still hadn't really left me. My stomach was grumbling. All I had for dinner was two very strong paracetamol tablets and some cough syrup the night before. I had some bread of course, but I couldn't swallow anything. Went to the clinic.

Monday evening : I wish I could say the fever didn't leave it's mark on me. I still ached all over. Thought about not coming to work again tomorrow, but it just felt wrong.

Tuesday morning : Went to work a little late on the account of nausea. No class. School was over really early on the account of shortage of teachers. There is the football cup thing at school going on now.

Tuesday evening : I still feel like shit. I'm really hungry. But I can't eat, cuz everything tastes like iron. Force-feeding myself. A few spoonfuls of rice porridge. I need to eat something to take the meds. I need to take the meds so I can stop feeling this shitty. I need to stop feeling this shitty so I can still give a damn about the shitty things the shitty kids are doing at school. (Not the goods ones, I love them. They always make me smile)

Ya Allah, I know, this is a small test. I have forgotten how good I have gotten it. I will get through this when You want me to. Please forgive me, for all my sins. Amin.

aren't we all just the same, give or take a few...?

2010-06-08T16:54:00.001+08:00

Radio shows just LOVE pitting our genders against each other... today on Mixfm, they say WOMEN are more likely to overreact than MEN. Well, kita semua, lelaki, perempuan, SAMA je.

Kalau nak ikutkan, ada tak, perempuan yang tak dapat nafkah batin dari suami yang sanggup simbah suami dengan cuka getah? Yang I know, since women tak ada kudrat atau sampai hati nak cederakan suaminya sebab tak dapat nafkah batin or other emotional gratification from the husband, dia pergi cari kat orang lain.

Ni untuk perempuan dan lelaki tak kuat iman dan tak redha dengan ketentuan Ilahi la kan? I do not condone this act. Cuma I would like to remind everyone, men and women alike, who are deprived of their fundamental requirements are capable of finding other avenues to fulfill it, no matter if it is wrong or right.

Like Lorena Bobbit, whose name inspired the term 'to bobbit' to the lingo, retaliated because her husband was such a sex maniac with her and she was tired of his controlling nature. So she bit off his pee pee, got into her car and drove off with it, and threw the bit of pee pee she had in her mouth out the car window. Last time I read about the said pee pee, it was found near a trash can (nasib baik tak kena makan dek anjing!) was reattached to the said husband, who was in the American Army or something, both pee pee and sex maniac hubby went on to seek fame in the the fabulous world of pornography. Sama-sama happy and fulfilled, kan?

Back to the subject at hand, terpulang kepada individu untuk melihat kebenaran dalam kenyataan yang dinyatakan awal tadi, sama ada bersetuju atau tidak. But for me, based on my empirical study on both my mom and dad, and the news reports throughout history, men and women can be big drama queens in their very own way.

Today, dengan countless evidence that prove that men and women, although physically perfect creations of God, need and want each other to go though their fleeting time through time and space, only chauvinist pigs will keep on believing that men are indeed better than women. And vice versa.

Sometimes, it's a struggle to see that despite our shortcomings, men and women do complete each other, whether we like it or not. Yes, in extreme cases, we can exist and function without the other, but most of the time, we'd opt not to go through life that way. It's more meaningful to share life's experiences with our 'other half'. Well, that's why, the enlightened among us likes to call their partner their 'other half'; although we're complete on our own, having someone to be with us through thick and thin, just gives it all the more sense.

It's just a fun subject to debate about, but most of the time, I selalu kena remind myself that these people are just making conversation and what better way to fire up the airwaves than pitting us women and men against each other? It'll never fail to rile things up.

of being single

2010-03-28T17:03:00.003+08:00

One guy told me, you know why you're still single? You're probably not a good seller.

I don't 'sell' myself out to potential 'buyers'. I get his analogy. I have seen and known women with a lot less getting married and living up their happily ever after Disney fairy tales.

I hate promoting myself to potential guys. And why should I? I seriously do not swing with the new-age dating scheme thing. Nor do I find meek men appealing. So much so that the women has to make the first move. That is so not the kind of party I would find myself going to.

My boss once told me that I should tone it down a bit, once I have met a potential. You are a likeable person, but guys don't really go for loud girls like you, he said. Imagine that, coming from your boss. I'd have done something REALLY bad to him had he not been my boss. He meant it in a good, fatherly way anyway, so I just grinned and bear it.

I do see the need to tone it down for appearances' sake, but will the guy be able to accept it once he finds out the truth? One thing about toning it down that I hate is, how long can you really have the self-control to keep your true self from him before you burst at the seams and all hell breaks loose? And will I be able to bear the look of disappointment and disgust once he finds out?

I can do what most men can do. Well, except for producing sperm. I have been taking good care of myself and still do. I avoid any kind of night-life. I have pretty much been a good person. I just haven't met the right one.

And some idiot will surely come along and say something idiotic like, hey, you say you're happy being on your own, but who will take care of the matters in the bedroom, *wink* *wink*. Seriously, that's what 'the rabbit' is for.

That was a joke.

One more time, SERIOUSLY, settling down with the right person is not just for sex. Yes, that is one of the most basic human needs in order to function well, I guess. But having seen my own parents, I cannot reiterate enough that I am aware of the fact that there is more, way more to a marriage than sex. And the fact that you will have to wake up next to a person who can't cut it, for the next 30 to 50 years of my life doesn't really send me the right message about it anyway.

My life, despite the many rosy and fun things I've done and the fun and good people I have met, I can never deny the fact that in some aspects of my life, has been an experiment in bad decisions. But I know that things can be worse. And I am not spiteful or regretful of the experiences, because they have been great teachers in human character. They have taught me to be cautious but not cynical.

The last one, being a Hajj, with a reputable job and a spic-and-span appearance. He saw, me, he liked me, he wooed me, and we dated. And I was never the freaky psycho girlfriend people keep playing up in movies. But his intentions were never good from the very beginning. He was just very good at keeping them from me. And it's not all that hard to trust a person like him given his status in society. Three years is long enough to be patient, and it got harder and harder to ignore the signs. It didn't seem like it was going anywhere, so I left.

As for expectations; those of you who do not have expectations what-so-ever of your spouse, raise your hands.

I thought so.

So why blame me for having certain expectations, for the person whom I want settle down with? After all, I am the one who will be waking up next to him for the rest of my life. However, don't get me wrong. My mom told me once, if you get even 50% of the 100% of the things you expect from the guy you are going to marry, consider yourself lucky. I believe her. I just look at my dad, and all the nasty things my mom said to my dad in their fights will just go away. My mom really did get my dad get away with a lot of things. And yet, she is still the same devoted wife and mom I knew when dad was around. Mom still loves him despite his shortcomings and often talks about him when I am around. No, dad was not perfect, but they loved each other. Him being gone hurts her so much.

And my mom also told me, the first three years of your marriage will be the worst. This does not apply to everyone. But it will surely apply to me, since I know myself very well to deny the fact that there will be some nasty teething problems.

So, having realistic expectations of man and marriage? Check.

At the end of the day, there are plenty of good men who are driven to love and and be loved, to do anything in their power to make their loved ones have the life he'd dream of them having. Who will appreciate my Chef Micheal Smith's no-recipe type dinners. Who wants to spend the rest of his life with me who will enjoy the kinds of movies I like to watch, cuz I like boys movies most of the time anyway. Who will stay even when I hurt him. Who will miss me dreadfully when I am away. I know he exists. I just haven't crossed paths with him yet.

So, after years of self-analysis, numerous reads, endless self-punishment, I have finally come to the conclusion that there is nothing majorly wrong with who I am and the way I choose to be. All the guys/jerks I've met before are just people whom I have to pass by before meeting the one. It's a more difficult, grittier path for me, because God knows I have the balls to go through it all and that I will persevere, no matter what.

Despite it all, if I never find him, hadn't it been all written in the stars anyway?

If you're a friend, and you're reading this, please don't judge. Yes, I'd ask you to pray for me, but I think it is up to me, to ask God for what he thinks I deserve. There is no blame nor sadness or regret.

I'm not sad, nor am I blaming anyone for my lack of spouse as I am reaching 34. I'm just writing out what's in my mind. All the scathing remarks I have made as I lash out on Facebook as my so-called updates, are not exactly what I have been thinking throughout the years. And it's no even the tip of the iceberg. It's just Facebook.

Don't you think there is more to you than your Facebook updates? There is definitely more to me than mine.

Disclaimer : This is just something from the top of my head. It does not concern anyone on my FB list, dead or alive. I have not done an empirical study of this matter. Nor am I claiming that the married world population are doing it wrong or unhappy with their choices. It is just me and my singlehood. I leave everything to God.

Everything that is good is from God, and the bad, from me and my own weaknesses.

Peace out.

Of being single

2010-03-28T17:03:00.000+08:00

One guy told me, you know why you're still single? You're probably not a good seller.

I don't 'sell' myself out to potential 'buyers'. I get his analogy. I have seen and known women with a lot less getting married and living up their happily ever after Disney fairy tales.

I hate promoting myself to potential guys. And why should I? I seriously do not swing with the new-age dating scheme thing. Nor do I find meek men appealing. So much so that the women has to make the first move. That is so not the kind of party I would find myself going to.

My boss once told me that I should tone it down a bit, once I have met a potential. You are a likeable person, but guys don't really go for loud girls like you, he said. Imagine that, coming from your boss. I'd have done something REALLY bad to him had he not been my boss. He meant it in a good, fatherly way anyway, so I just grinned and bear it.

I do see the need to tone it down for appearances' sake, but will the guy be able to accept it once he finds out the truth? One thing about toning it down that I hate is, how long can you really have the self-control to keep your true self from him before you burst at the seams and all hell breaks loose? And will I be able to bear the look of disappointment and disgust once he finds out?

I can do what most men can do. Well, except for producing sperm. I have been taking good care of myself and still do. I avoid any kind of night-life. I have pretty much been a good person. I just haven't met the right one.

And some idiot will surely come along and say something idiotic like, hey, you say you're happy being on your own, but who will take care of the matters in the bedroom, *wink* *wink*. Seriously, that's what 'the rabbit' is for.

That was a joke.

One more time, SERIOUSLY, settling down with the right person is not just for sex. Yes, that is one of the most basic human needs in order to function well, I guess. But having seen my own parents, I cannot reiterate enough that I am aware of the fact that there is more, way more to a marriage than sex. And the fact that you will have to wake up next to a person who can't cut it, for the next 30 to 50 years of my life doesn't really send me the right message about it anyway.

My life, despite the many rosy and fun things and people I have done and met, can never deny the fact that in some aspects of my life, has been an experiment in bad decisions. But I know that things can be worse. And I am not spiteful or regretful of the experiences, because they have been great teachers in human character. They have taught me to be cautious but not cynical.

The last one, being a Hajj, with a reputable job and a spic-and-span appearance. He saw, me, he liked me, he wooed me, and we dated. And I was never the freaky psycho girlfriend people keep playing up in movies. But his intentions were never good from the very beginning. He was just very good at keeping them from me. And it's not all that hard to trust a person like him given his status in society. Three years is long enough to be patient, and it got harder and harder to ignore the signs. It didn't seem like it was going anywhere, so I left.

As for expectations; those of you who do not have expectations what-so-ever of your spouse, raise your hands.

I thought so.

So why blame me for having certain expectations, for the person whom I want settle down with? After all, I am the one who will be waking up next to him for the rest of my life. However, don't get me wrong. My mom told me once, if you get even 50% of the 100% of the things you expect from the guy you are going to marry, consider yourself lucky. I believe her. I just look at my dad, and all the nasty things my mom said to my dad in their fights will just go away. My mom really did get my dad get away with a lot of things. And yet, she is still the same devoted wife and mom I knew when dad was around. Mom still loves him despite his shortcomings and often talks about him when I am around. No, dad was not perfect, but they loved each other. Him being gone hurts her so much.

And my mom also told me, the first three years of your marriage will be the worst. This does not apply to everyone. But it will surely apply to me, since I know myself very well to deny the fact that there will be some nasty teething problems.

So, having realistic expectations of man and marriage? Check.

At the end of the day, there are plenty of good men who are driven to love and and be loved, to do anything in their power to make their loved ones have the life he'd dream of them having. Who will appreciate my Chef Micheal Smith's no-recipe type dinners. Who wants to spend the rest of his life with me who will enjoy the kinds of movies I like to watch, cuz I like boys movies most of the time anyway. Who will stay even when I hurt him. Who will miss me dreadfully when I am away. I know he exists. I just haven't crossed paths with him yet.

So, after years of self-analysis, numerous reads, endless self-punishment, I have finally come to the conclusion that there is nothing majorly wrong with who I am and the way I choose to be. All the guys/jerks I've met before are just people whom I have to pass by before meeting the one. It's a more difficult, grittier path for me, because God knows I have the balls to go through it all and that I will persevere, no matter what.

Despite it all, if I never find him, hadn't it been all written in the stars anyway?

If you're a friend, and you're reading this, please don't judge. Yes, I'd ask you to pray for me, but I think it is up to me, to ask God for what he thinks I deserve. There is no blame nor sadness or regret.

I'm not sad, nor am I blaming anyone for my lack of spouse as I am reaching 34. I'm just writing out what's in my mind. All the scathing remarks I have made as I lash out on Facebook as my so-called updates, are not exactly what I have been thinking throughout the years. And it's no even the tip of the iceberg. It's just Facebook.

Don't you think there is more to you than your Facebook updates? There is definitely more to me than mine.

Disclaimer : This is just something from the top of my head. It does not concern anyone on my FB list, dead or alive. I have not done an empirical study of this matter. Nor am I claiming that the married world population are doing it wrong or unhappy with their choices. It is just me and my singlehood. I leave everything to God.

Everything that is good is from God, and the bad, from me and my own weaknesses.

Peace out.

our 2010 road trip #1

2010-02-22T19:09:00.002+08:00

This is the route we took this time around...

Saturday, up from Sipitang to Tenom. Yes, the road was steep, but it was not that bad if you know how to handle your car. Breaking is not just about stepping on the break pedal and hanging on to dear life. It's also about controlling the speed of your car with your gears. When you know if is going downhill, quit pushing the gas pedal and shift to a lower gear. Yes, your engine will roar, but your break pads won't heat up and malfunction and kill you and everyone in the car with you.

On the way up we found this spot where there wind blew like there was a wind tunnel and the view ofd the cliff was spectacular. I wish I own that place so I can build a retreat there and wake up to that view every day for the rest of my life. It was spectacular; greenest of green, bluest of blue skies and whitest of whites. What else is there? Oh the wind... I've never been to the highlands of Tibet, but that was probably close.

We visited the Taman Pertanian, Then on to Keningau, through the unfinished road up to Kalabakan, which was a 250km stretch of gravel and dust. That took us 5 hours at 40kmph and keeping my fingers crossed that my car wouldn't be acting up with me being so severe with it. There it was in all its purple loneliness traversing such rough roads only 4x4 dared to roam. There were the occasional Kancil and Iswara's inching their way up and down the lonely and dusty road, but they all looked so beat up, they worry me as much as they comforted me, knowing that help won't be too far away if the need arises.
We stopped for some gas at a lonely stop over, in the middle of nowhere. RM30 worth of petrol just to get us to the nearest town.
We passed by Maliau Basin on the way there. Would be a good idea to call ahead and book yourself a guide and spend a few days trekking through its verdant virgin jungle. I have a book given to me by JEB which was a present he didn't really care about I guess. I'll spend some time reading it soon.

We stopped for some photos and after replenishing the milk bottle for the kitten(they came along since the mommy kitty died three days before we left for this trip) and zipped on to Tawau. Not before stopping again at Kalabakan for some more gas, which was fed into the tank via fifteen platic soda bottles.

From there, no more gravel road and being able to drive at normal speeds really pumped up our morale after having been shaken and stirred and everything in between inside the care up the five-hour long trek along the gravelly road.

As we approached the town, we found a mamak style restaurant and decided it was high time we stopped for a meal. Everyone was famished so we pleased to be able to have somewaht familiar foods that evening which consisted of nasi briyani and chicken korma.

With stomachs full, we went on into the town of Tawau and checked in to King Lee hotel. Tried calling other hotels while we stopped for dinner but they were all booked out. Decided to gamble it, and found this gem of a place. Everything about the hotel was new. I'm not sure if it was new or just newly renovated, but anyone planning to go to Tawau should consider staying there because the rooms are newly furnished, spacious and not expensive at all.

The next day, we drove around town a little bit, had breakfast and went to Pasar Besar Tawau. I have been there once, so I just let the others check it out, while I stocked up on supplied for hygiene. Traveling with five kittens can be quite dirty. Armed with Dettol multicleaner and some kitchen towels, the rest of the trip felt so much cleaner and fresher both for me and the rest of the crew.

On the way out, we stopped at the airport for some cash and a loo break. Can't help but went to see the gift shops and got ourselves some cute tees; I chose a white one cuz white feels cooler while the others got some black ones and another white one and everyone had the same cute green big-headed turtle on it. Made us look like a team, which was cute.

We had some time to stop for some deer soup on the way out. Yeah, right outside the airport, there is a quaint little restaurant painted red all over, run by these pleasant Indonesian ladies who are always ready for a joke or two with the patrons. Not sure if they were really Indonesians though but they sure sound like them. This place is quite famous for its deer soup. I've been there only once before the last time I was there with Zana, Mimi, Saiful and Gossipzilla.

Next stop, was Sempoerna. I have such fond memories from the last two times I was there with my sister, friends and the forgettable N.

Planned to stay there overnight, so we can book a boat to go snorkeling on Mabul, Kapalai, Mataking or Sipadan even. But somehow we changed our minds. Honestly it was the rubbish that had put the crew off the idea. Sempoerna, as I remembered it, had never been the cleanest of towns, but now even the wonderful Dragon Inn is getting worse as visitors and restaurant operators keep dumping trash into the sea. It is such a sad thing to see the fish in the enclosure swimming amongst the garbage thrown in by visitors. People can be so ignorant if what a gift they have been given. I really hope the municipal council will open their eyes soon and take action so it doesn't get any worse, if not better.

We drove on to Lahad Datu and spent the night at Grace Hotel which used to be a member of the Residence group of hotels. The rooms although a little dated, is still clean and spacious. Since we got the executive suite, we got the room with king sized bed and a space for a coffee table. The next day, we visited Sandakan.

On the way there, we went over the bridge that went over the Kinabatangan river. A litte further down the road, we stopped by at these caves where the natives kept the coffins of their dearly depart. The coffins were carved out of tree trunks and for some of the more higher ranking members of the society, they even have buffalo heads into the coffin, making it look a little more extravagant than the rest. And these, the ones with the buffalo heads carved into them are stored in the highest cave. The rest were just arranged in the bigger cave down below. The ones higher up had some bees hovering and perched on them... some fresh sweet nectar from the dead, I presume. Yums?

These coffins looks almost like the ones that belong to the natives in the Indonesian Islands called the Toraja. Well, i am no archeologist. I saw those on NGC a few months prior. I might be wrong.

We climbed quite a few flights of stairs into the clouds... heh! Not really, but the trek up the wooden staircases left me in a puddle of sweat, panting and gasping for air. I am so out of shape... But it was all worth the effort as we were granted the gift of the surrounding view.

That is the highest summit for miles around so we could see the surrounding areas. Sadly, the lush greenery of the natural jungles have been replaced by miles upon miles of oil palms. As far as the eyes can see. The greedy hands of industry have wrapped itself tightly around most parts of Sabah it seems. It was a nice scenery anyway if you don't mind the oil palms. The air was clear of smog, so we could clearly see the Kinabatangan River flowly so slowly, winding its way around the green landscape like a lazy gigantic snake.

We carefully climbed down the stairs back to earth and after a quick tea break at the museum's canteen, were on our way to Sandakan. And it was not even half the day yet!
Ah, Sandakan. I was there again early last year, and it's already on its way to cleaning itself up. And there I was again. It's making great progress and I am so happy to see that the smelly and cramped disheveled seaside town is now all smartened up with fabulous waterfronts and fascinating boulevards. The old market that used to stink up the whole godforsaken town has been torn down replaced with a much bigger and better wet market-cum-crafts market a little ways up the road, away from the maddening crowd and the winding roads that wound it's way up and down the now quaint seaside town. We stopped at the Sim Sim Mosque for Dhur prayers and were again on our way.

On the way out, we stopped by at Sepilok to look at the orang utans. The big ones weren't there. Only the smaller, younger ones came over during feeding time.

They are fed bananas and basically the same things every feeding time so that they will get bored and eventually will become independent and forage on their own. I'm glad the bigger ones finally got the message. Of course it felt a little like a waste, but what's good for the animals should be good for us.

Next on the route was Kundasang. We saw a beautiful river, perfect for a swim as it had inlets and deep ends. We stopped there for a while. If it weren't for the fact that we were strapped for time, we might have stripped down to our skivvies and took a dip into the clean and refreshing mountain river. I have no idea what that place was called, but the rocky river can be seen from the bridge overhead and you could go down there easily from a little path from the side of the road. There were loads of photos taken while we were there. How we wish we could have swam in it!

Got to Ranau at 7pm. Before sunset, we did manage to sneak a peek into the breathtaking view of the highlands and couldn't help but stop a few times to have pictures taken. I have been up and down these winding slopes so many time before and they are still as enchanting as the first time I saw them.

This had never been planned to be a luxury trip, so I didn't book us into any hotel, gambling pretty much on luck. We probably ran out on that when we got to Ranau because when I called the hotels in Kundasang, as I should have realized during a long CNY break, were fully booked.

So what else is there to do than look around for any place we can find so we can just lay our head on a pillow with a mattress under us? We spent the night in a dingy backpacker's lodge that night. It was not too bad though. It was tiny but clean and no strange noises. Mind over matter, you see? At least it has a heater in the bathroom, tiny as it was.

And all because so we can see Kundasang and Kinabalu in all its glory the very next morning. Could have turned back to visit Sabah Tea plantation and the hot springs in Poring, but due to the fact that we are rushing to get to KK to hand over the house keys to Ain, I had to scratch that plan. Will have to go there again soon to cover the whole place. Couldn't do that the last visit cuz I had to rush downhill to KK to hand over the keys to Ain as she starts work the next day and was ready to leave KK at two o'clock that afternoon.

Planned to go up north to Kudat that same afternoon, but had to trash that plan since Ain's mom and dad were adamant that we don't go since it is a dangerous route. I've been there twice, with Zana and Mimi once and again with N. But when you don't listen to the elders, something bad is sure gonna happen, right? So we stayed put in KK that afternoon and spent the rest of the daytime with uncle and auntie. Doing what, you ask? Having tea at @mosphere of course. The infamous revolving restaurant is located on the 18th floor of the tallest building in Sabah. Thanks, auntie (Ain's mom) for the tea.

It offers a 360 degree bird's eye view of Kota Kinabalu city, the South China Sea and the Crocker Range. Nowhere else in Sabah can you do this. Best of all, the people there were kind enough to spin the restaurant just for us so we could see the beautiful sun as it sets behind Gaya Island. It usually starts spinning around at 7pm, but since we were early, auntie asked them to spin it a little early. We're so lucky!

It was too late to go back to the apartment but too early for our show, so we went up to the look-out point atop the hill to sample the view of the bustling city at night. Yo wanted to get some water color palletes for the kids at school so we made a quick dash to Karamunsing. The art store was closed. So we went back to the cinema and waited to go in for Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. So nice to see a movie that is doing okay after the mother of all modern fairy tales that is Harry Potter. After which we had some roasted seafood by the seaside, before returning to our apartment. Everyone seemed to be famished because the tuna, the other fish, the cuttle fish and the prawns we ordered vanished in a matter of minutes. That was some good eating.

The next day, we went home to Lawas and cuz Anim had to go back to Long Luping to start school on Thursday. But we'll awlays have time for a meal at Restoran Malaysia for the pau and nasi sambal. Always...

Verdict?
Yes, there were some kinks that needed to be ironed out, but nobody is perfect. Having said that, I am not denying that Sabah is one whole big party of natural wonders which will never run out of surprises.

This trip has indeed restored my faith in friends. New memories with new friends is always a good start to a good year. IMHO.

So, how did you spend your CNY break?

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone. May the year of the Tiger bring us much joy and strength and endless abundance be it in prosperity, luck and love.

a decade into the millenium...

2009-12-28T15:25:00.000+08:00

sloth. literally. sloth.

2009-11-10T18:58:00.000+08:00

This sure is the cutest of the seven deadly sins...

gila besar mata

2009-11-10T18:54:00.001+08:00

The neighborhood will never be the same again...

ten meows

2009-11-10T18:52:00.000+08:00

Nimbly bimbly from tree to tree....

it swallows

2009-11-10T18:25:00.001+08:00

Look! A couch swallowed a kitty!

Oh, I do swallow!

deleted II

2009-10-28T19:03:00.004+08:00

ari sha (10/28/2009 5:57:09 PM): hiiii

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 5:57:31 PM): hi...

ari sha (10/28/2009 5:58:03 PM): i guess it is a blessing that i did not yet delete your id from my YM

ari sha (10/28/2009 5:58:05 PM): heheheh

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:00:09 PM): why is it a blessing?

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:03:13 PM): a blessing that i could still say hello to u

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:03:36 PM): i guess.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:03:57 PM): for a minute there i thought you missed my sarcasm and bossiness.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:04:30 PM): glad to see u know what u are

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:05:18 PM): only with the likes of you.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:05:42 PM): maybe i should say i learned a bit of sarcasm from u,,,

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:06:07 PM): at least I have deleted you from my list that very night.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:06:34 PM): really?

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:06:40 PM): i guess some poeple are just too vain and selfish to know themselves better and blame it on others.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:07:04 PM): yes, i have. i have too many on it. making way fro more.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:07:17 PM): how come then u knew who it is that is blabbering with u

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:07:27 PM): you wouldn't mind, would you?

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:07:38 PM): i don't forget the nasty ones. bad boys leave marks.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:08:09 PM): were you blabbering? i thought you made perfect sense.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:08:10 PM): vain? old guard like me ...no time to be vain

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:08:31 PM): guess you don't really know yourslef then.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:08:39 PM): u dont have to seek my permission to delete my name and to make way for others

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:09:38 PM): oh no, not at all. I have done it.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:09:53 PM): was wondering if it made you feel a little upset about it.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:10:06 PM): it is a case of " I don't miss something I never had "....

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:10:11 PM): but it wouldn't.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:10:14 PM): was merely being nice.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:10:17 PM): hahahahaa

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:10:38 PM): it was even less than that, I'm sure.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:10:46 PM): on my part at least.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:10:53 PM): u can be so sarcastic until your face turns blue,,,, i wouldn't care

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:11:03 PM): hehehe

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:11:11 PM): it never really mattered what you think, really.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:11:24 PM): exactly

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:11:39 PM): that IS the point

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:11:39 PM): i'm the younger one, just making polit conversation with you until you have had enough and finally go away.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:12:11 PM): enough of this conversation.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:12:14 PM): not my sarcasm...

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:12:18 PM): you'll miss it. i'm sure.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:12:19 PM): i think your first task as the younger one would be to really check what is the meaning of politeness

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:12:28 PM): oh see...

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:12:33 PM): heheheh

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:12:38 PM): it does affect you....

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:12:40 PM): oh my....

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:12:46 PM): glad i am making a mark.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:12:50 PM): in your heart of stone.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:12:53 PM): miss your sarcasm? you make my toes laugh

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:13:02 PM): some ugly toes you have.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:13:10 PM): they laugh eh?

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:13:35 PM): but i think it is just cheap reverse psychology that i may keep your name not deleted

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:14:02 PM): I don't know your name, but really, i don't know what happened between you and I that we have become such...

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:14:04 PM): what are we?

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:14:13 PM): we're not ... well, never were friends.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:14:21 PM): just started out arguing and kicking each other

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:14:26 PM): oh well... u need to learn a lot about categorical statements

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:14:36 PM): what happened to you that made you the way you are?

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:14:48 PM): well, not here to learn anything from you.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:14:59 PM): honestly... i never am the way I am with you

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:15:00 PM): i don't know why you are still talking to me.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:15:07 PM): i did tell you i deleted you, didn't i?

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:15:10 PM): i don't know why really

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:15:21 PM): because I would like to not have this kind of conversation with anyone.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:15:28 PM): but somehow i am learning something from this

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:15:45 PM): i did say on my profile that I am there just for the conversation and had asked everyone to be nice.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:15:47 PM): i still get this.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:16:00 PM): ok... if u don't like the conversation... you have two options

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:16:06 PM): ari sha: honestly... i never am the way I am with you<--- ditto.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:16:16 PM): one: turn over for the better

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:16:25 PM): secondly: delete for good

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:16:30 PM): why were you nasty to me in the first place?

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:16:34 PM): i did delete you.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:16:35 PM): either way i am ok

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:16:51 PM): you were the one who started thinking i was judging you

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:16:52 PM): i am not forcing u on to anything

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:16:57 PM): i merely stated tha i am not into that

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:17:02 PM): and you blew off your cap

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:17:10 PM): and yet here you are still.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:17:34 PM): i was not judging you.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:17:38 PM): like i said ... i have trodded into a strange path

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:17:52 PM): and i am enjoying this

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:18:14 PM): a new experience

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:18:25 PM): i was just telling you that i am not into the kinds of things that you are or were or whatever. so that you will not assume that I am on Tagged for that kind of thing, so you can easily move on to the next person who will be much more palatable to your tastes.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:18:56 PM): oohh

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:18:58 PM): honestly, i haven't been this way for a very long time.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:19:05 PM): I don't like this side of me.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:19:08 PM): thanks for the recommendation

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:19:16 PM): see?

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:19:25 PM): i didn't mean to be so harsh.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:19:29 PM): but you are harsh to me too.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:19:30 PM): but really, I know what is best for me

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:19:51 PM): always thinking people are bossing you around.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:19:57 PM): i know

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:20:09 PM): that i have been harsh

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:20:24 PM): but my friends know me for that

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:20:28 PM): go away. please. i am not that person you think i am. we just got off on the wrong foot. and i don't see that you wanna make it any better.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:20:43 PM): u treat me good.... I'll treat u better

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:20:58 PM): i don't like having to defend myself every step of the way like i was not supposed to be here.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:21:06 PM): and if u treat me bad... i am your nightmare.. and i will be hell

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:21:11 PM): no. i don't live my life that way.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:21:28 PM): you might as well, find someone else more accommodating to your wishes.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:21:35 PM): that is your life... u r the director of your own life

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:22:04 PM): really?

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:22:21 PM): and you're directing yourself to go on and on and on when no one is listening anymore?

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:22:48 PM): of course u r not listening, u are reading

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:23:07 PM): ok ... i think enough is enough

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:23:16 PM): i have not been this way

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:23:17 PM): i thought you were smarter than that, sir.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:23:26 PM): and i am feeling bad about it

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:23:55 PM): so b4 we exchange more harsh words,,, my apologies to u

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:24:16 PM): i would like to withdraw from all this nonsense

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:25:12 PM): it was all a dream

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:25:37 PM): i'm sorry i was not the nicest person.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:26:11 PM): and i can promise you, i will delete your name after this... in fact i will put your id under the ignore list to make sure i would not contact you again even by mistake

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:26:37 PM): do you hate me?

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:26:40 PM): u happy with that?

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:26:44 PM): i don't hate you.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:26:53 PM): it was fun. somewhat.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:26:59 PM): testing someone else's nerves.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:27:05 PM): now u are being sensible

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:27:09 PM): but i guess you're not having fun.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:27:12 PM): like i was.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:27:13 PM): but it is too late

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:27:19 PM): it's ok.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:27:25 PM): i still don't hate you.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:27:28 PM): goodbye.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:27:37 PM): i have decided not to mingle with gals like you

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:27:44 PM): there is no hatred here

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:27:45 PM): yeah. the bad ones.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:27:51 PM): i hope so

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:28:04 PM): BYEEE dan maaf kan saya

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:28:10 PM): ok.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:28:20 PM): awak tak salah. take care.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:28:26 PM): tak perlu maaf apa-apa.

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:29:18 PM): u are too proud... too self-conceited

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:29:29 PM): for that saying i still have to ask for maaf again

ari sha (10/28/2009 6:29:30 PM): byee

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:29:35 PM): you can say anything about me.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:29:41 PM): butyou still will never know me

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:29:45 PM): like i said, just with you.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:30:24 PM): and i'm still not judging you. but yu've been judging me all thing while.

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:30:37 PM): who's the proud and conceited one, really?

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:31:25 PM): just because i said things like missing my sarcam, you went all berserk again. i guess jokes done in such a way in such a situation is always more cause for hurt?

Lina Lynette (10/28/2009 6:31:43 PM): have it your way then. you have always had the choice. from the very beginning.

First, he opened by saying that he thinks it is a blessing. Then he just had to resort to the 'ignore' button. That is how much he's aching inside to talk to meh. Hah!

Tagged is a nice place to meet weirdos and spice up your evenings with conversations like this. Try it! If you are single of course. Otherwise, jangan mengada.

play-by-play

2009-09-30T20:19:00.002+08:00

WARNING : The following is a personal play-by-play entry of my trip back home. None of it will interest you and if any of it does, pay no attention to it, for names have been changed,events modified and conversations altered to best suit the mood of the entry and to protect the privacy of the people included in this entry.

Read at your own risk. You have been forewarned.

And leave your morality at the door.

And when I say play-by-play, I do MEAN play-by-play.

Raya tahun ini;

Memandangkan aku tak nak lagi menangis sambil driving macam Schumacher and menyeranah all the people of Brunei and Sabah and Sarawak kerana menyesakkan jalanraya ke KK pada petang Jumaat, sebab silap ambil tiket kul 4.25 pm, aku tempah tiket malam Sabtu. Ha.... gila kan? Ye... walaupun aku tahu raya will be on Sunday morning. Memang, aku sendiri pun kata gila.

Tapi kan... yang mentensikan aku ialah the fact that the Govmen was so gracious as to grant us an off day on Friday. The night before. Tak ke panas hati ko? I am thankful. Don't get me wrong. Tapi if giving us a day off means we have to part with another RM500 of our hard-earned money, takpelah... simpan je cuti tu untuk Xmas ke apa ke. Wah! First time I marah kan gomen online cemnih! Iyelah, dah tiket Sabtu nak tukar ke Jumaat on such a short notice... Harus kena fine apa bagai. And worse come to worse, tak boleh tukar tiket, kena beli tiket lain, yang confirm dalam RM300 - RM500 lagi. Mak takde abang untuk memohon belas ihsan. So memandangkan penasihat kewangan mak tu kata membazir beli tiket tuh, mak pun tak beli la... Penasihat kewangan mak tau mak tak pandai urus duit. So kena tanya dia bagus ke tak, kalau ada apa-apa keputusan berkaitan kewangan. FOC wo... kalau guna AKPK kena bayar tak, agaknya?

Anyway, memandangkan Jumaat dapat cuti... Terima kasih Datuk... kami pun plan gerak dari Lawas on Friday tu la juga. Ada yang nak gerak petang Khamis. Tapi lepas fikir pasal kerja yang belum lunas sebelum cuti ni, cancel la tu... kami setuju gerak pagi Jumaat.

Kul 10.30 am, I bawa keta pergi umah Zy, picked up Mae, Zy and Susan. Kami berempat la je... Marlene dah pergi dulu the day before tumpang SG. Siapa SG? Hahahahaha... ada la. Nanti wa citer kalau ada masa.

Sampai di KK, hantar Susan kat courthouse, kawan dia tunggu kat situ. Then hantar Zy ke airport. Then check in kat Tang. Then petang tu pergi umah kak Ina lepas tunggu Mae jumpa abang dia yang turun dari Tamparuli nak kirim sayuran kepada family dia di Kuching via adiknya Mae yang nak balik ke Kuching tu.

Oh ye, berbuka dulu dengan Mae. Dia memang tak puasa, tapi temankan I berbuka. Dia belanja lak tu. Thank you, Mae! Ingatkan nak pergi ke Kenny Roger's. But lepas check in letih, driving all morning and then ke sana ke mari lagi. Rehat la dulu kunun.... Sampai kat CP dah full house katanya. Oh... sedey... Teringatlah ada Secret Recipe kat Palm Square, ke sana la kami. Nasib baik ada a few tables lagi belum taken up. Terus directed to our seats by the owner of that brach yang kebetulan ada kat branch tu malam tu. I tegur him macam biasa and he said ya ya, saya sudah belah dua, sana pun saya jaga... oh, bukan you ada twin ka? I asked him. Ada lagi satu branch dia kat Warisan Square right across the street from CP.

I had stewed lamb with rice and veggies, while Mae had Shrimp Macaroni and Cheese. They were both really good. I only had plain water because of the rice I have taken. Limiting my sugar intake the best I can because my body does not need the simple sugars. And Mae had the ever manis and masam Apple and Lime and Somboi. Ada Somboi lagi tu...

Then baru pergi umah kak Ina kat Menggatal. Ingat nak jumpa dia je and beraya dengan anak-anak dia sambil hantar beras yang dia suka sangat tu.

Nak tahu? Kak Ina bagi aku 7 buku cheese sponge cake with cheddar cheese topping. 7 buku. Bagi. SEVEN. FOC. Aku cuma bawakan dia beras Bario je tau? Kak Ina memang baik... Terima kasih kak Ina. Sebelum balik ni nak tempah. Kali ni nak beli. Memang sedap kek dia. Mewah cream cheese dan cheddar cheese berparut, tapi dia charge RM10 je sebuku tau? Aku bangga kawan dengan dia.

Cikgu-cikgu sekitar KK pun untung ada dia kat sana. Beli kat dia RM10, jual kat orang RM13 or RM15 pun orang kata murah lagi. Beli la banyak-banyak woi! Biar murah rezeki kak Ina and anak-anak dia.

I had the whole of Saturday morning free. Ingatkan nak bangun sahur sebab jalan jauh esok nieh.... hurm... takdenye... Tidur sampai tengahari. Oh, hidup bujang, time macam tu memang best. Tapi kenang-kenang balik... hais.... :-)

Kul 5 pagi tu bangun dah, hantar Majorie pergi airport... flight dia sangat awal pagi tu. Tak mandi pun aku. Just wash my face and brush my teeth jer. Lepas hantar Mae, aku balik ke hotel and sambung tidor... bagus tul puasa aku hari tu kan?

Later on, bangun, mandi, kemas barang, aku check out. Aku kuar awal la sikit sebab tahu hari ni last day of shopping untuk warga KK sebelum Aidilfitri. Mesti jam gila punya. Memang pun. Berputar 5 - 6 kali aku mencari parking space kat pasar tu. Sematanya nak belikan udang kering mak aku 2kg. Tapi puas hati... 2kg udang kering telah diperolehi dengan jayanya dengan harga yang berpatutan. Tak la aku balik dengan tangan kosong untuk omak den.

Lepas tu, teringat, aku tak print tiket aku lagi yang masih dalam email. Wahahahaha... pelupa betul! Dengan udang kering di tangan, dah dekat nak sampai kereta, aku patah balik ke pasar, menyeberang ke Plaza Warisan and masuk ke dalam mencari cybercafe. Jumpa la sebijik. Bayar RM1.50, aku guna untuk 3 minit je. Mamat tu kata apa tak cakap nak guna 5 minit je, boleh bayar 50sen je bah. Mana aku tahu? Print pun RM1.20 lagi. Apa-apa je lah labu. Bukan habis RM5 pun. Takpe...

Tadi aku dah cemas dah sebenarnya sebab keta banyak nak mam*** kat KK hari tu. Nak berkejar ke SM Teknik Likas pulak lagi. Tapi by the time I got the tiket printed out, baru makan masa 1 jam dari keluar hotel tadi. Alhamdulillah. I have ample time lagi. Terus ke kereta and campak udang kering ke back seat and drove to SM Teknik Likas ikut jalan shoreline. Traffic was heavy but moving. Memandangkan Nannette belum sampai, aku kemas barang lagi. Balut udang kering dengan aluminum foil untuk elak baunya menyerap ke dalam baju-baju aku dalam luggage. Then taped shut the kotak yang Mak Sitam kirimkan before I left Sund@r after school yesterday. Then melihatkan Nannette belum sampai, aku masuk balik dalam keta and aku pun terlelap. Mata aku memang best. Dia kalau bosan je, terus masuk sleep mode. Macam laptop... conserve battery githoo.

Selepas terlelap beberapa kali menunggu Nannette, aku rebahkan sikit tempat duduk tu, and terus terlena. Sampai lah aku dengar suara terkejut "Oh My GOD!" si Nannette yang dah berpusing mencari aku tapi tak nampak, terkejut tengok aku rupanya ada dalam keta, tidur dengan lena.

Pindah masuk barang dalam kereta barunyer, and kami pergilah ke KKIA. Dia tinggalkan aku kat situ and aku pun pergi check in. Sebelum aku masuk ke balai berlepas, aku teringat... mana Cinonet aku ek? Oh my God!!! Aku cicirkan kat mana? Then teringat aku maybe tertinggal dalam keta Nannette. Gosh... I called her and she called me back dia kat Karamunsing masa tu. Bila dia balik ke kereta dia mesej aku, ada la dalam keta dia. Kat backseat. Lahaulawala... It's so small, aku boleh terlupa nak amik dia. Hmm... takkan nak suh Nat hantar pulak, kan? Biarlah, Nannette simpankan je cuti ni.

Aku pun masuk departure hall. Tak sabar nak fly balik!

On Saturday evening, September 19th, 2009 at about 4.15pm, MH65 took off from KKIA bound for KLIA. The two-and-half- hour flight, I spent napping and napping and napping again. It was still Ramadhan. So the food served onboard the flight was tapao'ed. And enjoying the empty isle seat next to me, with my own seat being on the side of the window. Bliss! How I wish all my flights are like that.

When I got to the KLIA, my brother was already waiting. Previously, there was a misunderstanding. My sister also wanted to come by and pick me up and take me home. But then, my brother had told me earlier on that he would do it. But as it got closer to the date I was due to fly in, they realized there will be a big crowd waiting for me at the airport if they all decide to go to the airport and get me. So a compromise was struck, my sister was let off the hook, and my brother waited for me at the airport with his family tagging along.

I was in my brown Ipanema flip flops, jeans and a black GAP long sleeve shirt with no make up. Gosh, I looked like one of those celebs who got off the plane after a long transatlantic flight. Except for the fact that I am fat and I am no celeb.

The luggage always took forever to get to the baggae claim, so I headed to the restroom. Just as the azan was coming on, I learned that I had in fact, started my periods a few hours prior. So the puasa that day was hangus. Takpe. It was a very stressless and strainless fasting day for me anyway. I freshened up and changed into a light pink long-sleeved shirt and put on some make up and brushed my hair. I look so much better. I don't like looking like a sick person when I get off the plane because then I would worry my family. And a certain L was waiting for me in his car, to exchange the old one ringgit notes I got from a bank in Lawas for duit raya with new ones he got from his bank as I had requested a few days before my flight home.

I got my luggage and box from the carousel, and took out my heels and slipped them on before rolling the trolley out. My eyes scanned my perimeter for a familiar face, until I heard that familiar voice calling my name. "Ci' Na...!" It was Ame my nephew, waiting for me with his dad on the left side among the teksi haram drivers. No wonder la aku tak nampak diorang. Aku memang tak suka pandang arah tu.

Kak Ain the SIL was nowhere in sight, she is probably at the food court having something for iftar. Since Banes pun baru sampai dari JB with his family, he's probably penat gila and hungry too and we proceeded to get to the lower level where the food court is. But then I got a phone call from that certain L and I had to go find him outside.

He drove by in in WQR2**8 and stopped a few meters ahead of me. He reversed a little and I walked up a little to it. I opened the door and got in as if I had done that a million times before. There he was. That face I have been receiving daily mms of every morning on working day for the past 2 months. He looks much better outside. But he's not my boyfriend. I wish he was. He took quite a while just looking at me. Gosh... am I that oogly? Oh well. The exchange of old money to new was made and we made some small talk and then I had to leave again because it is not good to keep a hungry older brother waiting. With a quick goodbye, I was out of the car and making my way back to where I had left my brother and Ame. He drove off. He didn't stay to stare at my fat ass. So he is not my boyfriend. But I like him. And it's not the right thing. So it's strictly business.

We had something to eat at the food court and then after a few phone calls from mom, we were on our way back home.

Sampai kat umah, apa lagi... wallop la rendang, bakso, sup tulang, nasik and macam-macam lagi la yang aku dah lama tunggu nak menjamah. It was great.

Lepas bermalas-malasan, kami semua pergi beli lemang kat Kuang. Yay! Sejak ayah takde, takde siapa yang rajin nak buat lemang. Jaga api tu penat and panas and lama wo... so sebab dah jumpa makcik tu kat Chow Kit, kami cari rumahnya kat Kuang. Senang nak amik lemang. Kalau kat Chow Kit tu, berebut. It was that good, those lemangs she makes. Macam lemang yang ayah buat. Tapi lemang yang ayah buat tetap the best. Padat, lemak, best! I miss them. I miss dad.

Balik umah, nak kemas la kunun. Tapi aku mengantuk and adik aku pun letih. So kami pun tito... Esok pagi tu baru kemas umah. Gila ke apa? Pagi raya baru nak kemas. Sungguh non-orthodox. But that's what happened.

Then bermaaf-maafannya dah tengahari. Keh keh keh... Raya for us is like any other day la... Cuma sebab dia raya je, kita ada lain la sikit ritual tambahan. Then... makan tidur and makan and tidur lagi. Wergh... productive, ain't it?

Lepak kat umah dengan family lebih seronok dari pergi berjalan ke mana-mana on the first day of raya. Aku sangat malas jalan-jalan beraya. Ada la pergi umah jiran tu. Tu je la.

Then Raya kedua pun sama, takde apa yang meriah. My mom cooked up a storm inthe kitchen. L datang. Why? I don't know. We're not a couple, ok? Tah... jangan tanya. Dia nak datang, takkan aku kata jangan. Suka hati la...

Then Raya ketiga baru la kami travel jauh sikit. Balik kampung ke N9. Hehehehe... bukan ada siapa-siapa lagi kat sana. Just visit kubur atuk dan sedara-mara yang dah meninggal lama dulu. Bacakan yassin and doa for them. Then kami patah balik ke Seremban and stopped here and there ke rumah sedara mara yang ada for a visit. Plan nak ke Tampin tak jadi. Sebab? Sebab kak Anim and family balik Muar. Kitorang pun tak call ahead. Takpelah.... melencong ke Melaka and bagusnya Seri Malaysia ada room available! Kami checked in there and bermalam. Petang tu temankan si Fatehah swimming kat pool. Sejam lepas tu ibu call, wah wah wah... handal si Fatehah tu... kang semput, ke spital... Naik lah ke bilik. Dah kena warning dengan omak den. Walaupun W yang call on her behalf, aku boleh dengar suagho omak den mengomel kat belakang tu.

Malamnya, pergi cari makanan. Tapao. Mom was not feeling well and making her go up and down the three levels was not a good idea. So, aku beli 2 set masak asam pedas tetel and ikan kembung dengan nasi. Then order sup tulang and sup cendawan. Then nasi goreng pelbagai jenis; USA, kampung, and cili padi. Then belikan si Fatehah Mee Goreng yang menjadi favourite dia tu. Then singgah Mydin yang besar gila macam Hypermarket tu beli picnic set and other stuff.

Kami picnic dalam bilik. Weeeee!!! Seronoknya!

I am so easily pleased.

Malam tu aku dengan W and Tehah share the queen bed. Ibu tidur kat single bed tu. Lepas kena sepak terajang oleh Tehah, aku tarik bed covering top layer yang lebar dan tebal tu dan aku tidur berbungkus atas lantai. Sungguh selesa! Sebab aku tak suka share katil dengan orang. Sebab kena sepak terajang. And sebab katil tu bergelora bila orang bergerak. Empuk ya amat. Tapi aku tak lena la kalau bergoyang sepanjang malam dek Tehah yang ganeh tu. Adik aku, pergh... lena je.

Then after breakfast the next day, pergi belikan omak den bekfast gak. Omak den tak larat nak naik turun tanggo... konolah poie kuar mencari makanan pulak lepas mewallop bekfast buffet kat hotel.

Then, kami kemas bilik. Wahahaha! Cuma we didn't make the beds je. Sebab? Kesian la kat orang kerja tu. Tak suka la tinggalkan bilik macam tempat buang sampah. Macam sesetengah orang. Memang la diorang bergaji untuk kemas bilik. Tapi tak salah kalau make a little effort. Bukan susah pun. Sampah pun siap kami bungkuskan. Sebab sampah kami banyak... maklum je. Malam tadi and pagi tadi menapao makanan. Yang memang dah terangan jadi perkara larangan. Kalau ibu sihat takpe, boleh semua kuar makan kat kedai sekali.

Balik ke rumah... tetiba Ita text. Betul ke, Marlina meninggal? What kind of sick joke is that? I thought to myself. Tak tahu. Nanti aku mesej balik... Last-last I found out the truth on FB.

I went to her home to hopefully see her one last time.

I saw her and all the tears I had been holding back fell in a steady stream amidst sobs of anguish of not being able to control my emotions among the people who are much much closer to her.

I left before she was taken to the mosque for anothe prayer session. Lucky her. Orang sembahyangkan dia dua kali. Di rumah dan di masjid.

Sementara tu W and mom and T waited for me kat umah W's friend Intan on the other side of the neighbourhood. Dia dah jemput makan, we ate. But biasalah, XXL mana cukup kan, makan kat umah saiz S dan M, maka we headed to a bistro kat South City Plaza and I had another round of Foodtravaganza. Yummmm...

Rabu, aku pergi lunch dengan S. He is such a pleasant person to be with. Kesian dia belum berpunya. Ada sesiapa berminat? Pemuda 37 tahun dari Hyderabad, India. A degree in Civil Engineering, But chooses to be a Juruukur Bahan and also appointed project manager where he is employed. Very lovey dovey touchy feely kind of person with such sweet thoughtful messages throughout the day for anyone he is in love with. And he is a devout Hindu. Rambut kurang tapi masih fit and tall and I think very kemas and proper. If he were Muslim, I would have kept him all to myself. Because he is so sweet to me. And single too.

It was a pleasant lunch we had at KL Sentral Secret Recipe. And I laughed and laughed and laughed till my facial muscles jadi sakit and tegang. Bagus betul duduk berbual dengan S. Dia sangat lucu dan comel. And has a very sunny disposition that he makes you feel the sunny side of life along with him.

I would have kept him there with me longer, but I think it was a long enough time la, to be out of the office on a working day. So I let him go. W hantar ke KL Sentral tadi. Baliknya, aku balik naik Komuter. S belikan tiket sampai ke Seremban.

W amik kat depan stesen komuter. Then pergi mana ek? Hmm... Oh... Pergi Banting. Beli kain for Mak Sitam. Then ke Jenjarum tengok anak-anak buah yang dah balik ke sana on Monday night. Then ke Putrajaya, beli ayam di Mydin. Then balik.

The next morning, A messaged me. I am in KL. Can we meet at KL Sentral? Aduh mama... Malas betul nak berjumpa-jumpaan dah dekat dekat nak balik ke tempat bertugas ni. Sangkanya dah tak jadi cuz senyap je dia. Tetiba kata dah sampai. Kalau dekat, mau je aku kata aku kat Johor. Tapi ni, dia dari Terengganu nu ha. Hais... OKlah, see you there.

W hantar lagi. Tatau la napa dia rajin nak hantar.... 20 mins je kalau dia hantar. Tapi boleh je kalau aku naik komuter. Tapi maybe because dia bosan, maka dia hantar la juga.

A dah tunggu di sana. When I got there, dia tengah baca paper. He did seem terkejut when he saw me. Hurgh... Yes, I am FAT. Get over it.

Control habis dia... kept on baca paper sambil cakap-cakap small talk with me. Flew in from Terengganu pagi tadi. And balik malam esok. As I am going to balik too.

We ordered some lunch and when the food came, macam marathon makan. Bukan dia makan lahap. Just very quick. Aku je yang terkulat-kulat. Naik segan pulak makan slow macam slow loris. Slow loris pun boleh kecik ati dibuatnya.

Lepas habis lunch dia ajak pergi driving-driving. Ke mana? Tak tahu... Pergi Alamanda? OK. Tengok wayang? Ada kerja la, kena jumpa publisher. Hmm... Round-round kat masjid tu je la.

Then he dropped me off at home. Hmm... Then? Kawan called to go to her place for some makan-makan. Hmm... berbelah bahagi. Nak pergi, tak tahu rumah. And my brother and his family are coming over to spend the night with us sebab malam tu je la last chance nak gather all the not so many people in my little extended family tu. Aku tak nak kuar. Aku nak stay at home malam last tu and main dengan anak-anak buah. Aku called them back and told them I am not coming. Even gathering dengan Diane and Aina pun postponed until the next time I will be in KL.

Pagi Sabtu kemas barang. Senja, kuar ke airport. L tunggu kat sana. Jumpa last time katanya. Whatever.

Checked myself in. And waited with my family for the time for me to go in. L called and asked me to go outside and see him in the car. The day he came to my mom's place, he asked me to come along with him to buy his work shirts. But we had an argument and I didn't want to go. I didn't understand why he wanted me to tag along. Jadi tukang angkat barang kah?

Anyway, he said sorry. For what? For the argument and for being mad at you and making you feel sad. But you said it wasn't an argument. I know you were upset about it. So? I feel bad about that so I apologize. OK... (Whatever you say, Mister).

We talked a little bit more and then my mom called me. What you doin taking so long? We're waiting for you at the entrance to the departure hall. OK OK...

Bubbyelah awak. I gotta go. Boarding is at 8.45, I still haven't said goodbye to my family yet. OK.

Got out of the car, didn't even turn back to watch him drive away. Will we meet again? I have no idea. I hope so. But not betting on it.

Went and looked for my family and they were right where my mom said they were. I kissed and hugged everyone and was ready to go when it was told that the flight was delayed, over the PA system. from 9.15 to 9.45. I wonder what was the matter. We sat around some more at the playground behind the entrance. Then I went in, everybody waved goodbye through the glass wall that faces the escalator that goes down to the departure halls. My brother took pictures of me going down the escalator. Walked a looong distance to Gate A8. And waited for ten minutes before the call for boarding came on. I was on the plane in 15 minutes or so and spent another half an hour waiting for inbound passengers from Auckland. Didn't really matter. I'd get there LATE no matter how quickly we departed that night.

MH64 bound for Inchon, Korea was a bumpy ride. The landing was rough too. Maybe the weather was working againts the flight crew that time. I'm glad we got there safe and sound. Thanks to all the flight crew. I had plenty of iced water to keep me hydrated during the long wait and the flight itself.

Left KKIA in an aiport taxi at around 1.30 am and checked in at Tang. Changed and went to sleep in the King-sised bed all alone. The room felt huge. All the better for me to soak in the 'back for work and away from family again' feeling. No need to call Nannette yet. As arranged, she will come by the next afternoon in my car, and we'll have lunch before I drop her off at her school.

The TV was on, droning in the background, the lights were off and I was blinking endlessly as I stared at the ceiling, as the light from the TV set flickered all over the room. Sleep, please take over and take me away to that happy place.

It was probably 3 in the morning before I finally dozed off. The phone alarm went off at 6. But I didn't get out of bed till 8.30 and went down for breakfast at 9. Came back up 45 minutes later. Sat back in the bed under the covers savouring the last few moments I will spend in the cool air-conditioned room. It's doing wonders to the rashes on my face I developed over the week at home. I can't stand the sun I learned over the week. My skin blew into red, bumpy, blotchy rashes all over my cheeks and chin when the weather got too hot. It looked like the face of the moon. It bothered me a little. But L, S and A said they didn't see it. Yeah I complained about it to them too. I can be so vain sometimes. Nah... just don't want them to think that my face is permanently like that if they did notice it.

Well, the ac certainly did wonders on it. The redness went away and the angry and moist bumps subsided overnight. It was almost gone by the time I got back to Lawas, with the car ac full blast straight to my face. Bertuah punya pipi ni... Kena cari hubby kaya la nampaknya, tak tahan panas. Sungguh mengecewakan kerana selama ni aku sangka aku kebal. Merempit masa U dulu tidak cukup untuk mengeraskan kulit muka ku rupanya.

Got out of bed, mandi lagi sekali. Rasa macam tak mandi je sebelum turun breakfast tadi. And lagipun it's going to be a long drive to Lawas. Sure panas berpeluh juga nanti. Slow slow, pakai mekap. Keringkan rambut. Packing barang semula. Pakai baju.

Nannette messaged. She said she will be along in a few moments. I came down to the lobby and checked out. I forgot my mom's rendang in the fridge. I came back later to claim it and send one container to kak Ina' place and had nasi ayam with her before I left.

Nannette waited in the car at the VIP parking lot while I settled the bill. Then we waited for Mae. Then we went and had lunch of sushi at Dreamfood at CP. We talked about Marlina. The limited memories we had with her was enough to show that she was indeed a wonderful person, inside and out.

I messaged Marlene earlier and asked if she wanted to go back to Lawas with me. Yes, we're coming with you. Zy ada ni. Oh... OK. Ada Mae and Susan ni sekali. Sempit sikit la tapi muat, kalau tak kisah. Makan la dulu. Kami baru duduk kat tempat makan ni. OK, kami pun lapar.

Lepas lunch, we walked a little bit around Palm Square. Hati masih tak seronok, masih di KL. So, mood nak membelah tu tak sekuat biasa. Dah puas jalan, returned to the car and drove off to Likas. Dropped Nannette off and said goodbye to her. Went to thecourthouse to pick up Susan. Raced to KKIA and picked up the other two. Dropped them off at Sunny for groceries while I went to Menggatal to drop off the rendang. Kak Ina, macam biasa suruh join makan nasi ayam dia baru siap masak. Lynette si Langkah Kanan. What can I say? Dah lunch kena lunch lagi. Terimalah hakikat, rezeki aku memang murah... Alhamdulillah.

Lepas tu pergi ambil diorang balik, and drove back to Lawas. Kul 8 sampai. Had dinner at Sugarbun dengan Marlene, Susan and Mae. Sebelum tu nak langgar jalan yang ditutup untuk bina Seri Malaysia tu. Degil. Rupanya ada pilon concrete dilintangkan kat tengah jalan, tak kasi orang lalu. Hehehehe... patah balik and amik jalan sunyi kat belakang Pejabat Daerah. Saja nak tengok. Dah lama benar ditutup jalan tu. Diorang pasang cerucuk kat tengah-tengah jalan tu. I drove around them like a slithering snake. Tapi tak lepas juga because pilon yang melintang jalan tu, macam aral yang melintang, katanya! Patah balik, retraced our route.

Lepas tu balik rumah. Mandi. Jiwa masih lesu from the trip back. I miss home. And the uncertainty of having three suitors that I don't even know what to do with. Jumpa so they all muntah and tak nak jumpa aku lagi. Mana aku tahu diorang okay je dengan aku with me being the way I am. Since none of them have declared their feelings for me, I guess there is nothing wrong in being friends with all three and let time do its work.

Spare me your morality. I am an amoral being. Nothing you can say about this will waver my resolve. Cewah. Statement berani mati of the century. Perlu ke?

Let time do its work. I am tired of putting too much hope on anything. Life is much better when you just let everything fall into place by itself. Continually putting yourself in situations prone to heartache will only age you. I do not want to look older than I am as I am already fat. Do not want to add OLD to the repertoire. Well, we all grow old. Just rambling.

Logged on. Replied FB messages. Checked the YIM. Quiet night. Read Dee-Listed. Went to sleep. Esoknya sekolah... sampai pencen la aku ke 'sekolah'.

My Raya. All I would want it to be. Except for the part where Marlina left us to be with God. May her soul rest in peace.

mh65

2009-09-30T20:17:00.004+08:00

Balik for raya hari tu, on September 19th, aku fly on MH65 from Inchon, Korea. It was one of the smoothest flights I was ever on. The Take off was smooth, I had a restful nap on the flight. The staff was very nice and accommodating. And the best part was, I had an empty seat next to me. So I got a chance to do some camwhoring.

Then when it came time to land, oh my God... the pilot, whose name I had forgotten, must join the flight academy soon and teach all the other pilots how to fly and land. Because the moment when the tyres touched the tarmac was almost seamless. There was not even a bounce. The plane was sufficiently slowed down moments before touchdown and therefore that was no need for excessive breaking and there was no skidding. At all. I wish I could send him a thank you card for making the flight so pleasant for all of us on board.

To the pilot and all the crew on board MH65 of last September 19th, 2009, my heartiest thank you.

goomba'tu

2009-09-28T21:37:00.000+08:00

LOL worthy....

marlina

2009-09-28T20:38:00.003+08:00

When I move back to KL, I wanted to catch up with old friends. Go out and have coffee with them. Enjoy our time together reminiscing the good old days. I wanted to do that with all my old friends. And one of them was Marlina.

Marlina and I, we were never that close. She has her own clique of friends and I had mine. I live at home during my uni days anyway. So friends were made during classes, and not too much time spent on socializing with them. I didn't feel like they needed my company. So I never made the effort to be closer to them. I enjoyed my time at uni, studying and making new friends. But most of them, I kept at arm's length. I never got close to them. Except for a few select ones, like Jo and Ita.

But Marlina, I will always remember because she is the type of person who has this intense look on her face when she talks to someone. Like everything that comes out of your mouth is cause for world peace or could cure cancer and for that you will have her undivided attention. Nannette reminded me of this about her during our lunch at the sushi place before I left KK yesterday. She does have that look when she talks to you.

And then, I know it was a joint effort, but I suspect she masterminded my surprise birthday party when we were in matriculation. It touched me deeply. How did I end up with all these wonderful people in my life? What had I done to deserve such appreciation? To realize that my presence in their world is duly noted and appreciated. Other collegemates were in on it too, but Marlina has that aura of someone who has had it good in her life and wanted to spread the love and joy to everyone she touches. She is one thoughtful and caring person. And lonely.

When I got the message from Ita, I thought, what kind of sick joke is this? No one should joke about a friend dying. It's one sick joke!!!

Called everyone I had numbers of. They could not confirm the news. So I went on FB and there it was on one of the profile updates, Al-Fatihah, Rest in peace etc. going out to her.... God! Please don't let it be true! I prayed. But it was true. I had a Razmi on my FB. Got his number from his profile and called him straight away. He confirmed it. And her body was at the hospital, for post-mortem as we were talking. He sms'ed me her address. I had only been there once. But W has a friend living close to Marlina's place, so she knows how to get there easy. So, tired from the trip back from Melaka we made the previous day, I showered and got ready for that trip to Marlina's place at Taman Tun.

All I can remember is that it was nice to see familiar faces pour in one by one as we wait for her body to be brought home. I was still in denial that she is really gone. All the way until her body arrived and were brought in. After solat jenazah, they opened up her the covering of her face. It was really her and she is really gone. Our friend Marlina...

She looked peaceful in her eternal sleep. It was the same face we all knew when she was alive. Only more serene and at peace with the world. I could not bring myself to kneel down and kiss her on the forehead, because I did not want to remember the warm and friendly person I once knew was cold to the touch. I don't want to remember her like that.

For all the friends she has, I never knew she could be lonely sometimes. Last phone call I got from her was a month before Ramadhan 09. She called me in the morning. The ringing phone woke me and I was groggy and I talked half-heartedly. It felt like a dream, because we never talked much on the phone. We do keep in touch, but not as often as we should. I never knew she needed a friend from time to time to get her through those times. She never tells me explicitly that she was ever lonely. The cavewoman that I am does not detect subtlety. She should have banged it on my head so I'd get it. If I knew that was the last time I was ever gonna her voice, I would have said more and called her back just to keep her on the phone with me.

I wish I had called her on all of the trips I made home. I wish I called her more often. I wish I'd made all our phone calls more meaningful. I wish she was still alive.

But that is too late now, because on September 23rd, 2009 she succumbed to her long time illness, a blood disorder that we never knew about. She collapsed while having lunch with her cousin at The Curve. Attempts at reviving her failed. She was taken to a nearby clinic. But everything was in vain. She was gone.

Untuk keluarga Marlina, semoga mereka dapat menempuh dugaan ini dengan sebaiknya. I can't even imagine losing someone as lovely as her. She spent the whole of last year nursing her parents who were recovering from a horrific accident in Kuantan, back to health She did her duties as a daughter well.

For dearest Marlina, semoga rohmu ditempatkan di dalam kalangan roh mereka yang beriman dan dekat dengan Allah SWT. Your pure soul belongs with them. Rest in peace, dear friend. You are deeply missed. Sampai masa, kita pasti bersua kembali.

Marlina
1976 - 2009

omg omg omg!

2009-09-14T23:31:00.002+08:00

I haven't been updating this blog for a while now. I know, I know.... but tonight, before I went to bed, I went to see one of my fave gossip pages online and look what I found....? I just HAD to post this one tonight, because it is awesome.

"Mek Wok Kundor - Erica Kane really has nothing on this lady right here. Mek Wok is 107-years-old and is searching for her 23rd husband. So if you see homegirl on Match.com, give her a poke.

Mek's current husband is currently treating his addiction to the bad shit in rehab in Kuala Lumpur. Mek thinks that's when he busts out of there, he's going to leave her for a younger piece. And get this shit, Mek's husband is only 37-years-old! This is beyond cougar shit. "(I am rofl here)

Read the rest of the entry here.

Yes, Mek Wok Kundor is on D-Listed! Go Mek Wok!

Don't forget to read the comment box. Hilarity! Team Tok Wook indeed!

how now brow kitty?

2009-08-31T22:07:00.000+08:00

yes, that cowboy

2009-08-29T16:14:00.001+08:00

http://thepioneerwoman.com/black_heels_to_tractor_wheels_a_love_story/

swoon

2009-08-29T14:34:00.000+08:00

http://thepioneerwoman.com/blog/2009/05/captain_forearms/

no, seriously...

2009-08-24T20:57:00.001+08:00

Have you ever seen a serious baby? I have never seen one. But here's one on YouTube. Came across this hilarity a long time ago and have forgotten about him until tonight. One cute albeit serious baby, non?

blooduh!

2009-08-24T20:52:00.001+08:00

Something I came across ages ago and forgot to blog about. I think he is so damn cute.

So cute how he was so concerned that his widdle baby bwother got bloody lipped when he bumped into him while playing in the bed and his daddy kept bursting out into laughter and that just made so exasperated.

the guild

2009-08-24T20:50:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grCTXGW3sxQ&feature=channel

I don't know... reality TV for gamers?

cool bike

2009-08-24T13:59:00.001+08:00

Would you buy this bike if it were on market here?

http://www.geekologie.com/2008/04/uno_cycle_looks_like_it_has_on.php

I would. Cuz it's way cooler than a Segway.

backstroke of the west?

2009-08-24T11:31:00.001+08:00

Don't you just love bad translations?

http://winterson.com/2009/01/episode-iii-backstroke-of-west-redux.html

best break up story ever told

2009-08-23T08:14:00.006+08:00

Her husband was offered a job in India, and things were never the same again for her. So she made this movie.

Sita Sings the Blues, they said, is the best break up story ever told. I spent hours watching it again and again on YouTube last night. It's the Ramayana made easy. Great animation and Annette Hanshaw makes me appreciate 1920's jazz. It's so sad that this movie can't make it to the academy awards due to copyright laws.

Some men will always be men, thinking they are doing the right thing, and they say women are cruel. Eventhough Rama treated Sita very cruelly, she remained chaste and faithful to her husband until the very end.

Watch it here in full or in parts of ten starting here.

Or download the whole movie for free from here so the movie may be shared and therefore disseminated.

Here, Nina Paley, the maker of this gem, explains why it is free. But, you may make donations here.

Enjoy!

deleted

2009-08-23T07:52:00.004+08:00

mr mysterious (8/22/2009 7:01:46 PM): syg
mr mysterious (8/22/2009 7:01:53 PM): at times
mr mysterious (8/22/2009 7:02:02 PM): we have to really give in
mr mysterious (8/22/2009 7:02:24 PM): coz the distance is really testing our patience
mr mysterious (8/22/2009 7:02:31 PM): i love u too
mr mysterious (8/22/2009 7:02:35 PM): i miss u
mr mysterious (8/22/2009 7:02:48 PM): i just hope
mr mysterious (8/22/2009 7:02:59 PM): u can let me have ur hp num
mr mysterious (8/22/2009 7:03:14 PM): lot of things can be answered
Little Lulu (8/22/2009 9:25:18 PM): 01988xxxxx
Little Lulu (8/22/2009 9:25:30 PM): lupa dah ye.... ish ish ish....
Little Lulu (8/22/2009 9:25:44 PM): pening sangat la tu ...ish ish ish...
Little Lulu (8/22/2009 9:52:03 PM): I don't hate you, syg. Just delete my photos. It was nice while it lasted. All the best in your life and future undertakings.

You'd wonder why she got so mad at him for asking for her number and wanting to call her so that "a lot of things can be answered" that she decided to simply walk away. That's just fine and dandy really. The only problem is, he's had her number for the past two months and has been having video calls with her every day all the while. Talk about being busted.

ganguro ho ho ho....

2009-08-20T20:07:00.001+08:00

Here's another look I should seriously consider...

Watch her other videos. And remember not to leave stupid comments. She is JOKING. And I love her videos. ALL of them. Don't let your negative comments make her stop making her AWESOME videos.

national treasure

2009-08-18T21:39:00.002+08:00

Here's another one.

Read about her here.

truly crappy

2009-08-18T17:38:00.000+08:00

http://crappytaxidermy.com/

As the URL suggests....

squirrelize!

2009-08-18T16:37:00.004+08:00

So this squirrel totally crashed this couples photo while they were visiting the Banff

Wildlife Park when it heard the camera auto focusing itself.

You can read the story here : http://www.ktiv.com/Global/story.asp?S=10940990

Now you can squirrelize any photo you want by visiting this page. Just follow the instructions and you can include the funny little critter in any photo of your choice.

cool lah sangat ko tu...?

2009-08-16T22:34:00.002+08:00

I had lunch with a homeless guy sliding down a hill because I'm cool like that.

Got this simple and funny tag from this blog arnabgumuk

Hope he doesn't mind.

Pick the month you were born:

January-------I kicked
February------I loved
March--------I karate chopped
April----------I licked
May----------I jumped on
June----------I smelled
July-----------I did the Macarena With
August--------I had lunch with
September----I danced with
October-------I sang to
November-----I yelled at
December-----I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a snowman
6-------a gangster
7-------my mobile phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbour
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19------ - a smurf
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an iPod
29-------a surfer
30-------a homeless guy
31-------a llama

What is the last number of the year you were born:

1--------- In my car
2 --------- On your car
3 ----------- In a hole
4 ----------- Under your bed
5 ----------- Riding a Motorcycle
6 --------- sliding down a hill
7 --------- in an elevator
8---------- at the dinner table
9 -------- In line at the bank
0 -------- in your bathroom

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White---------because I'm cool like that
Black---------because that's how I roll.
Pink-----------because I'm NOT crazy.
Red-----------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I think I need some serious help.
Purple---------because I'm AWESOME!
Gray----------because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow--------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange--------because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown---------because I can.
Other----------because I'm a Ninja!
None----------because I can't control myself!

It's fun... Just follow the instructions and construct a sentence that describes your cool factor based on the numbers in your birthday.

towang-towang

2009-08-16T22:20:00.003+08:00

Aku sorang.

Aku sorang kat umah ni sejak minggu lepas. Aku sangat gembira. Sebab I have the house all to myself.

Selain bawak lelaki balik and buat perkara tak senonoh, apa je aku tak wat di rumah ni. Werghehehe.... bestnya dok sorang-sorang sesekali macam ni.

Don't worry. Aku tak miserable or lonely. I am savoring the moment actually. Kalau sunyi aku lepak umah hujung sana.

Pagi tadi aku buat nasi lemak and bawak pergi sana and makan ramai-ramai. The stupid rice cooker almost ruined a perfectly good breakfast fare. Lembik nasi lemak ku kerana berendam dalam santan lebih sejam, sebab the stupid rice cooker pergi bantai 'keep warm' nya nasi lemak aku. Aku angkat dia letak atas api kat stove. Masak pun, albeit lembik sikit.

Aku tak pandai goreng ikan bilis and kacang. Tapi aku beranikan diri dan lepas menghanguskan 2 batch, I finally end up with perfectly crispy and crunchy fried anchovies and peanuts. I made the sambal the night before. Peeled the cucumber and boiled the eggs the night before as well.

Lepas kenyang, lepak-lepak. Dorang ramai-ramai cabut my grey hairs. Rasa nak tercabut urat kentut sebab dia tarik suka-suka je. Tapi takpelah, dorang tak mintak upah. Wergehehehehe. Petang baru aku balik. Dan sebab aku bosan, ni la aku update blog ni ha.

W bawak ibu pergi Morib. Ibu call aku 2 kali hari ni. Dia risau agaknya sebab baru hari ni dia tahu aku sorang-sorang dalam umah ni. Takpe, Nat pun tinggal sorang gak kat KK nun.

Jo pergi KK. Ada tugas sulit katanya. Tak dapat nak bawak dia berpoya-poya. Petang Jumaat, lepas selesai tugas dia terus fly balik ke KL.... Hurm.... maybe next time.

Malam tadi aku gaduh dengan abang Lan. Aku cakap tak nak cakap dengan dia for a while memandangkan aku ni sangat menyakitkan. I feel that way. So hari ni we didn't have any kind of communication at all. Biar. I feel sorry for him. Better I just stay away. For a while? For good? I don't know. Don't care.

Bukan marah dia. Just disappointed in myself. Why do I keep letting this crazy person take over my sane self? Am I that weak? Hmm....

I am sleepy now. Merepek dah berjam-jam. W mesti tak update blog dia. Dah mula malas la tu. Letih and busy. I know. Me too. Tengoklah kekerapan aku mengupdatenya pun ha....

OK.... Nannite all...

iswara, perdana, ria, kancil

2009-08-16T19:40:00.004+08:00

I realize that I have a very late response on things. My synapses are not transmitting the signals ke apa ke? I have no idea why.

Anyway, I changed cars. From one Proton to another Proton. Before you gasp and pant and ask me stupid questions, lemme tell you, SUKA HATI AKU LA NAK BELI APA DENGAN DUIT TITIK PELUH AKU.

Clear tak? Crystal, I hope.

A Waja would be too bulky and masculine. In my honest opinion. Persona tampak lebih lady-like pada aku. And eventhough you can say that a Persona is simply an elongated Gen2, do I look like I am bothered by that fact? The thing is, I like the way it looks and that's all there is to it.

However, it's a manual transmission. If you know me, I am a proud to say that I prefer the manual transmission for some reasons yang aku je faham. So no need to jelaskan di sini. Masa fikir-fikir nak amik manual ke auto, dealer tu dengan smoothnya berkata; "Dah tiba la usianya akak menmandu kereta auto ni..." Aku tak la kecik ati dengan perkataan 'usia' tu sebab aku tau sangat aku ni dah kertu. Tapi, rasa macam betul jugalah, why don't I give it a try. Dulu aku takut nak memanjakan diri dan mengambil auto supaya aku tak susah kalau ada apa-apa hal yang memaksa aku drive manual. Now, aku dah totally proven it to myself that I am perfectly capable of driving a manual. So apa salahnya, berani melakukan perubahan.

My brother pun cakap, okay what... auto transmission ni. Keta aku ok je. Dalam ati, ko nyer Hond@ @ccord. 2.0. Mana tak OKnya. OK seksangatnya lah... Aku bimbang. Aku pandai drive auto. Tapi tah la, macam ada doubts je. Tapi dalam kebimbangan aku tu, macam biasa, the devil may care spirit akan tell me, have a go at it, baru la tau cemana.

So aku amik la Person@ H-Line Auto Transmission. Sayang dia tak CPS, tapi okaylah kut, IAFM. Aku tak la berapa arif sangat hal-hal enjin ni, so nantilah aku study balik apa kebendanya .. or you can read it yourself here.

Anyway, Jumaat, July 17th, aku dengan berat hatinya, telah pergi menghantar kereta lama ku, the ever trustworthy Iswara Limited Edition yang tidak pernha menghampakan aku tu kepada dealer. Dia nak hantar kat used car dealership. Nak jual kan. Bukan nak bagi free, okay?

On the way, tiap kali aku nak potong kereta lain, aku tekan satu butang. Cikgu Yin tanya, "Butang apa tu kak?" Aku selamba je jawab, "Nitrous." Terburai dia gelak. Apa taknya... butang aircond tu aku cover kata butang NOS. Manalah nak terdaya, kete 1.3 nak dipecut laju dengan penumpang penuh. Bukan dema yang berat, dia yang tak berapa nak larat. Tapi tekan minyak, tetap tekan....

Petang tu, sampai ke KK, aku pergi cuci dulu kereta tu. Aku sayang dia. Sampai bila-bila pun aku tak dapat explain kenapa aku tukar kereta lain sedangkan aku sangat sayangkan dia. Aku boleh simpan dia and simply beli je the next car, so I have two cars. Tapi when I thought about it, apa ke jadahnya? Kahwin tak, kereta ada dua. What would I be trying to prove. And all the while, aku dah terlanjur mendealkan jual beli kereta baru tu. Cuma, lately kereta lama tu ada problem sana sini. Bukan salah dia. Aku yang kasar sangat dan tak pernah memanjakan dia walaupun dia adalah antara teman yang paling setia dalam aku susah dan senang. I would like to think, dalam usia dia yang dah makin meningkat, biarlah dia dapat tuan yang dapat menyayangi dan memanjakan dia. Lagipun, aku tinggal jauh dari keluarga dan kurang pengetahuan tentang penjagaan kereta. Biarlah aku beli kereta baru, daripada menyusahkan kawan tiap kali kereta tu buat hal. Oh ye... dia ada buat hal. Tapi takpelah. Tak ada yang sampai membawa bahaya kepada nyawa aku atau kawan-kawan yang tumpang aku.

Sambil cuci, aku check in hotel, and then aku pergi Nokia service centre untuk upgrade 5800. Tah hapa aku dah buat kat dia. Lepas kena worm hari tu, macam-macam dia buat. Lepas upgrade, baru aku teringat, banyak messages yang aku sayang hilang. Takpe. Takkan mati nye der....

Aku jalan balik ke carwash, picked up my car and drove to the dealership, Suhaimi the dealer tu dah tunggu dalam kedai. Kami naik ke pejabat settlekan apa lagi documents yang belum sign. And aku bayar balance downpayment. RM330 saja.

Dia kata malam ni simpan kat basement carpark sebab dealer used care tu datang amik on Monday. Dalam hati, aku terbayang je dia dok parked at the lot all miserable, cold and lonely for three days. Since I don't know where it is, I gave the key to him so he could drive it to the parking lot. I sat in the passenger seat next to him. All the while trying to keep myself upbeat for fear of shedding tears depan mamat tu. Tu bukan masa nak buat drama overload. Sampai kat bawah situ, which was right underneath the dealership, all I could manage was to have him take two last photos with it. And I didn't shed any tears.

I went upstairs and after I said goodbye to him, I walked back to the hotel. Malam tu aku ingat nak tengok movie. Tapi I was a little depressed. I was probably waiting for the delayed response of sadness and loss. It never came. So I went to sleep. The next day, aku tumpang cikgu Yin from Mer@pok yang tumpang aku semalam. The day before, as always, yang tumpang aku, Mimi, Yin and his wife Su and his little boy Q@wwim. So the car was pretty much full. Which was a good thing. I didn't want to be alone with the car and cry my eyes out all the way to KK. I would have been a bad mess when I get to KK if that was the case and would have probably scared the dealer guy.

Anyway, aku tumpang Yin balik sebab the day before tu, dia tumpang aku cuz nak pick up dia punya Perd@na yang telah dihantar untuk tukar gearboxnya. RM4k gak kena. Dia kata, terduduk jugalah. Kalau aku terpengsan je terus.

First time dok kat belakang jadi penumpang dalam Perd@na. Takde lah feeling-feeling Ma'am. Tapi seingat aku, semenjak aku ada lesen, tak pernah aku dok jadi pessenjer. Aku lah designated drivernya.

Agaknya Yin segan ke dengan aku, sampai dia kata, "Sorry la kak, saya memang drive macam ni..." " Apa la ko nak minta maaf ni Yin, aku dapat tumpang ko balik ni pun dah syukur sangat. Drive la cemana pun ko nak, kereta ko, kan?"

Susah juga jadi perempuan yang ada notorious reputation as a suicidal driver dalam town yang kecik ni. Semua orang kenal dan tahu sampai bila tumpang orang pun orang boleh nak minta maaf kat aku. Choy...!

Tetiba sampai kat Put@tan, kereta dia berasap. Adoi.... apa la pulak ... dia drive masuk ke bengkel kat tepi Gi@nt Put@tan tu. Bila mechanic dia datang dari kedai yang dia tukar gearbox tu, check apa semua ok katanya.... kami pergi makan pizza then teruskan perjalanan. Sampai kat Kimanis, dia berasap lagi dan terus tak masuk gear. Maka kami pun tersadai la kat M@sjid Kim@nis. Dari kul 1.30pm sampai 6.30pm sebab tunggu mechanic dari KK tak sampai-sampai sedangkan cikgu kawan Yin tu dari Mer@pok dah sampai, nak amik kami.

Kami naik la N@za Ri@ cikgu tu. Tak tahulah kenapa, maybe sebab aku ada reputation kat Law@s ni as a crazy lady driver, maybe lah kan... kalau tak, kira aku perasanlah ni, tapi dia ada comment to me yang I won't be driving macam the way I used to drive when I get the auto transmission car. I know. I pasrah je. Dia drive punyalah laju MPV dia tu .Tak kira jalan rata ke, tak ke, luas ke sempit ke. Aku rasa macam dok dalam washing machine kena banting sana sini, and not in a luxurious MPV. Last-last aku pakai seatbelt just so aku tak tercampak terhantuk ke siling MPV tu.

Aku bersyukur dapat menumpang rezekinya, tapi dalam hal ini, tak perlulah memprove a point, sebab aku tahu kau pun handal driving punya. Lelaki mana kat dunia ni yang tak handal driving, mana ada lelaki yang boleh kalah dengan perempuan dalam hal driving ni... Kan kan kan? Jangan bunuh kami.....! Serious aku takut masa dia driving. Maybe dia nak cepat sampai cuz masa tu dah senja pun. Am I wrong? Setahu aku, yelah MPV tu powerful. Tapi the power is not exactly for high speeds, but more for the ability to transport heavy loads. Manoueverability pun tak sama dengan sedan. Aku salah ke? Anyone?

Tapi dalam pada aku mengumpat dia dalam hati, aku syukur kami selamat sampai. Tak pernah pun terdetik yang kami akan ditimpa kecelakaan. Cuma gaya pemanduannya tidak menitikberatkan keselesaan penumpang yang duduk jauh di belakang, yang kemungkinan cedera di kepala jika tercampak memandangkan suspension MPV tu sangat menganjal. Mimi la yang paling kesian sebab dia yang dok belakang sekali. Aku dok belakang driver pun dah senak perut. Ni kan pulak dia. Nasib baik la Mimi tu budak baik.

Sampai kat Mer@pok, cikgu Yin offer hantar aku ke Lawas. Kami naik dulu ke umah dia. baik betul dia. Dia bagi minum and then kami turun ke K@ncil dia. Perdana dah kena tow balik ke KK. Tinggallah K@ncil yang setia.

Sampai di Lawas, dia ajak makan dulu sebelum hantar aku balik. So kami berlima dari petang semalam, makan malam pulak malam ni. Kesian Yin. Harap kereta dia cepat sembuh.

Itulah, riwayat Iswara, Perdana, Ria dan Kancil dalam satu hari. Takdelah yang fabu or extraordinary.... Tapi jarang la dalam hidup aku yang bosan ni, bertukar-tukar kereta sampai empat kali in one day.

Minggu tu aku tumpang kak Liza ke sekolah. Then, Khamis, aku drive Kenari dia. Aku dengan confidentnya telah mendrive keretanya masa balik dari sekolah. Dia adala kat situ dengan aku. Yang peliknya, mungkin kerana gaya pemanduan aku yang berbeza tu kah, tetiba, lepas berenti depan M@ybank, dia tak mau start lagi. Augh!!!

Puas la tolak dengan si Zukri dengan Azmin yang kebetulan ada kat bank juga masa tu. Tak juga mau start. Panggil Cyril, dia panggil mekanik. Mekanik kata ada started problem which is a standard for all Perodu@ models. Hmm... aku rasa sangat bersalah sebab telah menjahanamkan kereta kak Liza dan menyusahkan dia.

Esoknya kak Liza drive Viv@ mak dia. Kami, tumpang Boss la pulak. Hais.... benci betul hidup menumpang.

Dari Jumaat tu aku cakap kat Suhaimi, pleaselah, kalau boleh aku nak kereta tu by next Friday. Dia kata tak jamin, tapi by the looks of things, there should not be any problem. Berdebar-debar aku, sebab aku tak nak tumpang orang ke sekolah lama-lama. Lagipun Linda tenga pregnant. Kesian la kena tumpang orang sana sini. Tambahan pulak aku dah menyusahkan kak Liza secara tak sengaja. So Rabu aku called to see how things are on his end. Dia again answered the same. Aku fahamlah.... mana ada orang boleh confident janji yang bukan-bukan. But I think he realizes my desperation and was working hard to get the paperwork done by the following Friday.

So when I called him again Friday morning, dia kata; "Aaa... baru je aku nak call. Petang ni ko boleh datang ambil." Alhamdulillah.....

That day July 24th, aku ingat nak pergi KK naik bas je, sebab aku tak berapa suka nak minta-minta tolong orang dalam hal-hal kehidupan aku sebab aku rasa akan membebankan orang. Tapi menjelang tengahari, adalah seorang colleague aku, namanya Monica yang nak pergi ke KK petang tu ke rumah auntie dia di sana. Majorie dengan baiknya telah memohon kerjasama Monica untuk membolehkan aku menumpang dia ke KK. Majorie awal lagi nak ikut ke KK petang tu sebab boleh jalan-jalan sambil temankan aku drive balik nanti. Aku sangat happy sebab aku tak payah naik bas.

Sampai umah, sementara tunggu Monica, aku sempat tidur, because the night before, aku tak lewat tido. Tak lunch pun sebab tumpang orang balik tu, aku segan nak singgah sana sini menapao. Tengah aku terlena, aku terjaga bila dengar suara Majorie panggil nama aku. Aku bangun, terus capai beg, dengan baju kurung pergi sekolah pagi tadi, aku terus turun and pergi umah Monica kat ujung sana.

Sempat aku amik jack untuk tukar tayar in case ada apa-apa berlaku dalam perjalanan balik nanti. Sampai kat umah Monica, sambil letak jack dalam bonet tu sempat aku mengomel, "Ngantuk betul..." Mon terdengar, dia tanya, "Akak nak segarkan badan?" Sambil hulur kunci kereta. Ler... Suruh aku drive la tue!

Takpe. Aku memang suka drive pun. Tersangat suka. Sedar-sedar, dah sampai kat KK. Her her her.

So Mon dropped aku dengan Majorie kat dealership tu dan dia terus ke rumah auntie dia. Masa aku turun kereta, aku jadi terperasan sekejap sebab ada a bunch of mamat cumils duduk kat restoren sebelah dealership tu yang memandang ke arah kami. Aku ni cam guni beras je, for sure la diorang bukan pandang sebab aku lawa kan? And for sure la diorang dok nengok Majorie yang lawa mawa tu. Aku pun segan nak negok diorang lama-lama, so aku buat-buat tak perasan je. Walaupun aku sebenarnya ada feeling-feeling celeb... bet. Sebab pakai sunglasses besar. Muehehehe....

Suhaimi pun bergegas datang ke arah kami, dan terus bawa aku turun ke basement amik kereta untuk take us to the car warehouse. Masa nak turun tu, dia unjukkan kat budak-budak cumils tu, bebudak tu senyum kat weols. Ler, kawan-kawan dia rupanya and dia pun bergegas dari arah diorang tadi rupanya. Sibuk benar amik barang dalam bonet, aku tak sedar dari mana dia muncul.

Sampai kat warehouse tu, kami pergilah tengok kereta tu. Purple... Tak pernah termimpi pun nak drive a purple car. Aubergine... Well, it's Blueberry Tea, actually. Ah.... there is always a first time for everything. Dia pun get busy memasang itu ini. Kami pun busy membuka plastik apa bagai. I don't like driving a car with the plastics still on, OK? Orang lain pun mampu juga beli kereta baru. Bukan awak sorang je, so what would I be trying to prove driving the car with the plastics still on?

Tetiba, N called. Bengong. By the way, I have totally move on. Aku dah tak ada walau setitis kasih pun untuk dia. Sebab, dia 'terlupa' to include the fact that he has been remarried when he first met me. The bastard. Just because aku tinggal jauh dari Kuching, doesn't mean aku tak akan dapat tahu the truth. Tapi tiga tahun jugalah kan, aku tell myself to be patient and get rid of my paranoia. Manalah aku ni tak cemburu buta dibuatnya? Aku takut kecewa. Yet, here I am. Kecewa yet again. I'm not devastated though. There had never been fireworks pun with him. It just fizzled out. That's all.

Lepas aku jawab ala kadar, we hung up.

Pasang navigator apa semua, pasang road tax, pasang plate number, letak carpet. And busy snapping photos of the new car and Suhaimi yang naik berpeluh melayan kerenah kami berdua. It was fun. He's a fun and patient guy lah. Bagus jadi dealer.

I dreaded the moment that he finishes pasang itu ini. Feels like I will lose a friend. Entahla, aku ni cepat betul sayang kan orang. Bukan sayang yang macam tu. Sayang kawan. Sebab he is a lovable person pun. Senang deal dengan dia.

Lepas tu dia bagitau, aku terbayar lebih. Dia pulangkan RM110 lagi. Which makes balance downpayment aku cuma RM220 jer....

So we said our goodbyes, we got in the car and drove away. Aku sedih lagi. Rasa macam meninggalkan adik lelaki yang aku tak pernah ada. Sebab dia debab jugak. Baik lak tu. Takpelah, ada rezeki, kita jumpa lagi, ye dik?

Kami singgah kejap di CP, Majorie cari beg. Sambil tu abang Lan called. He's so nice. Sejak kenal dia, hari-hari he called. So sweet of him. Lepas tu, sebab dah menggeletar, baru aku teringat aku belum lunch, kami makan dia KR di basement. Sedapnya ayam... nasi... potato salad... green salad dan coke.

Kul 7.30 pm baru meninggalkan bandar KK. Memandangkan aku terpaksa memandu pada kelajuan 80kmph, mana nak sampai border in time. Lewat lah 15 minit. Takpe... Bukan kunci pun, buka gate sendiri and tulis nama kat guard. Esok baru stamp buku pass.

Sampai umah, Majorie tumpang tidur. Dah lewat dia nak balik ke sekolah.

Esok pagi, aku hantar Linda balik bersalin, ke airport. KK. Hahaha... kalau ko kata aku gila, maybe la aku gila. Kami balik malam tu juga. Ahad, lepas breakfast, kami pergi Sipitang. Amik Mimi. Dengan Lini and Zai, kami terus ke KK lagi. Wahahahahaha! Ye! Aku memang gila!!!

Well, sebenarnya aku saja je nak run in kereta. Sampai abang Lan marah le... sorry bang. I am notty. Banes pun marah. Dia kata aku Teksi. Well, kalau you all tau betapa aku suka driving, baru you all faham.

Rabu the following week, aku terpaksa pergi ke KK lagi untuk first service. First service within 5 days of owning the brand new car. Bagus tak aku? Kenapa Rabu? Cuz weekend tu kami ada kem motivasi, dan aku adalah ajk disiplin dan keselamatan. Mana bleh tinggal kem.

Apa-apa pun, itulah cerita aku dan Person@ ku. Tak tahulah apa nama aku nak bagi dia. Yang penting, number lama tetap abadi. Kereta lama aku, numbernya dah jadi SAA1046Y. Kalau orang KK ada nampak kereta Iswara Limited Edition Silver, dengan plate number itu, dialah bekas kekasih yang setia menemaniku selama 6 tahun.

Suhaimi the dealer dah berlepas ke KL minggu lepas, memulakan chapter baru dalam hidup dia sebagai pembantu undang-undang. Semoga berjaya, dik.

As for me, this is a new chapter in my life too. Begins with a new car and moving back to KL and possibly becoming my family's burden again. Let's hope not.

Nanti nak apply pindah balik ke Selangor supaya dapat bersama keluarga tercinta semula. Harap kepulanganku nanti membawa kebaikan dan bukan keburukan. Maklum, aku kan macam ni adanya. Jangan asyik buat ibu marah je nanti.

Doakan yang baik-baik saja. Amin....

jelesi

2009-08-16T18:44:00.003+08:00

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James

Things I hate about jealousy is how it makes one become so obsessed that nothing a lover can say in explanation will take away the doubt and anger that had been simmering inside. Jealousy makes one blind. Jealousy makes one crazy. Jealousy makes one become a stalker. Jealousy is so not sexy.

So how come it happens to me again and again ruining a perfectly happy relationship?

I keep letting myself forget that bit about trust and being redha of qadha and qadar. Because when these voices speaks to me, I listen to only them and not to the knowledge and experience I already have when it comes to jealousy and the kind of damage it can cause on me and the relationship that I am having.

It's so hard to have trust again when it has been broken a few times before. It's tough when this things silently creeps in alongside the love that keeps growing by the day. I try not to let it overcome the whole situation, but it seems to me that the more I care and takes someone seriously, the more obsessed I would be of the things that he does without me. Why does that have to happen to me? Why can I recover from this disease? Do I feel so unworthy of love that I cannot truly believe that someone can really love me for who I am and I risk losing a perfectly good relationship just over something so untangible as jealousy?

At the end of the day, bukan dia milik Allah swt? And whatever he does behind your back, when you are legally bound by marriage, he has to answer to Allah? Why do I let myself get crazy over something petty like jealousy?

I just don't understand what is wrong with me that I fear infidelity so much that I choose to be single all the way to this age. Even if there was anyone who wanted to marry me, I'd just brush it off as a joke. I am that insecure in myself that being alone would be a much better option that have someone to love and share a life with. It feels so good to be alone and not worry about a cheating lover that I never complained on being single. Have I complained in this blog about being single? I don't remember. But I know I never had qualms about being single. It's just so much easier.

Having someone to love and cherish would be nice of course. But hearing horror stories left right and center does not help.

I remember telling myself once, so what if he cheats? Everyone makes a mistake once in a while. We are human after all. Yes, so what if he cheats? I don't know the answer to that. All I know is that it bothers me. Why does he have to cheat? I keep asking myself. I don't even have the answer to that either. But I once read in a newspaper article, that simply said; They cheat, because they can.

That's a scary thought, isn't it?

So, if you catch your man cheating on you, does forgiving him mean you love him and forgiving him is a part of loving him, or are you lowering your standards by doing so?

I saw Aw@y From Her. Her husband cheated on her. But being the classy lady that she is in the story, she forgave him. And since he is a sort of a good guy with honor, he ditched the other girl and quit the university where he was teaching and took his wife to live in the countryside where they spent the rest of their retired lives cross-country skiing and reading books to each other before bed and having friends over for dinner parties. She never forgot about it of course, but she thinks that people who demands to be in love all the time are selfish. How I wish I can be as care-free as she is.

She didn't lower her standards at all by forgiving him. She made everything well again by doing so. And his love for her remained strong and grew and grew.

It's not a bad thing to forgive. But how can one be sure that he/she is truly remorseful of the wrong that he/she has done and go back to you and willing to spend the rest of your days making amends and remaining faithful to you. She is one remarkable lady, that one.

Anyway, if you have tips on how to handle this thing, send 'em to me. It's really starting to eat me alive. I need to get control of it.

And if you have a problem with jealousy, read Understanding The Anatomy of Jealousy here.

slinkitty

2009-08-08T23:21:00.000+08:00

long dong?

2009-08-02T22:06:00.004+08:00

Menurut Dr. sorang ni...

Contrary to popular belief, the perfect woman is not based on how physically beautiful she is. The beauty is not based totally on how beautiful her face is either.

Why did Charles divorce Lady Di and go back to Camilla? Cuz Lady Di didn't have what the horsey-faced Camilla has.

1. A nicely proportioned 'chest'. And therefore a supple pair...

2. A nice flat stomach.

3. A nicely proportioned *ss.

4. A nicely proportioned pair of thighs.

And the last one is... Drum roll please...

5. Her va jay jay. Based on her ability to reach orgasm katanya...

What makes a perfect man?

Not his Pierce Brosn@n good looks either...

1. A wide shoulder.

2. A nice chest of the slight 'bantal' -like look.

3. A nice flat abs.

4. Noooooice buns.

And last but not least....

5. A good long dong.

Cuz a fat one that is short ain't gonna cut it.

(These weren't his exact wordslah. He had put it more delicately. I just can't help myself.)

It's all about the proportions, baybeh...

Looking at myself, I dramatically exclaimed, Abang.... goodbyelah, saya ni tak perfect lellalu, cuz for sure aku dah minus 3! Dengan berani matinya Dr. tu telah menyahut, tak adalah, cikgu cuma minus 1 saja and you can work on improving it.

Berani matinya dia!

He boldly went on to tell me what the minus 1 is, and I could have guessed what it is pun, because the crazy dude has been sizing me up all day on Saturday! Gila!

Well, at least I know what I should be improving on to keep my man. Ehem...

Keep my man, my foot.

Hmmm... kenapa entry aku malam ni is the berani mati kind? Kalau W baca mesti dia angkat kening punya. Hahahahaha...

Anyway, kami ada kem motivasi anjuran Pejabat Daerah Lawas over the weekend. The guy in charge is a Dr. and he sure loves to hang out with the ladies, despite his nerdy looks. And in one of our numerous conversations, he had deigned to share with us this itty bitty saucy maucy information. Actually, according to him, this is the findings of a clinical psychology research he did based on the divorce cases throughout Malaysia.

Hmm... Susah nak kata, aku tengah mengantuk ni, esok sekolah and we had a long weekend. Fulfilling as it was, aku mengantuk.

Tapi aku selalu memikirkan apa yang membuatkan sesebuah perkahwinan itu bahagia hingga ke anak cucu. While I know physical attraction is important, how about the other things? Betul ke lelaki prefer unthinking bimbos rather than women with their own thoughts and ideas and opinions? I know, everything pun kena bertempat. Kalau melebih pun tak bagus juga.

Tapi masakan kebanyakan married men that I talked to on the internet selalu memuji yang aku ni pandai berbual and have brilliant ideas and opinions and knowledge on a wide range of things, tak macam isteri-isteri mereka yang suka membatu, tak ada opinion sendiri.

Dalam hati aku selalu nak tempelak mereka, habis dah yang jenis tu ko prefer masa bercinta dulu, bukan itu ke yang kau dapat? Dah lama pakai, pandai la kau nak complain itu ini kat belakang dia? Cuba dia ada depan mata, berani kau? Maybe la those are just sweet nothings people say just to keep the conversation going. Tak tahulah mak.

Memandangkan itu semua dah mula menjelakkan aku, aku pun dah lama memencenkan diri dari chat dan sebagainya. Recently je aku try T@gged. Walaupun cara approach dah banyak berubah, tapi intipatinya sama saja. So, again it made me sick.

Tapi aku percaya, at the end of the day, its all about accepting each other seadanya and keeping in mind the commitment you had bound yourselves to at the beginning of the relationship. And since everything else in life can also be a struggle, a marriage, although it should not be a struggle pun, must at least be worked on and worked on consistently.

Tapi kalau dah tak sayang... apa lagi yang ditunggu, kan?

Apa pun, I am a commitment-phobe myself, so what do I know about relationships anyway? Let alone the science and physics of a marriage. But I am and always remain a hopeful that one of these days there will be someone for me. Kerana aku kenal diri aku dan kekurangan aku, aku harap dia dapat terima, sepertimana aku menerima dia. Sebab aku tak sempurna, malah amat jauh dari itu.

Either way, I just thought this is something interesting to share with ya'll sebab kelakar banget!

ada dia kesah?

2009-08-02T21:28:00.003+08:00

So, I never comment on the current issues...

Tapi pasal Y@smin Ahm@d was a man once and decided to be a woman tu, rasanya tak perlu digembar-gemburkan. Cukup sekadar untuk berkongsi maklumat saja, dan bukan nak jatuhkan air muka dia dan keluarganya. Especially because she was born a hermaphrodite and due to that fact, and after consulting the clerics, she decided to have a sex reassignment surgery and continue living her life as a woman. Nothing wrong there.

I just noticed that she had a strong face, a rather bulky neck and a manly aura. But I am a little bit on the manly side myself even when I was born a woman and still am a woman. But her creativity and courage astounds me. I have always have great respect of people who are artistically creative, and in Malaysia, she is it.

She was and always will be one of our brightest shining stars. We'll miss you, Ms. Yasmin.

wawujudu?

2009-07-23T23:02:00.000+08:00

Oh, before I forget...

What would you do, when a friend of yours from years past, called you in the middle of the night asking you to counsel 3 beradik perempuan at your school to stop bothering her husband?

Aku benci campur hal orang.... at least since I started knowing better ni.

What would you do?

my sister

2009-07-23T22:30:00.002+08:00

Aku dah lupa apa aku nak blog kan tadi.

Tapi aku baca blog adik aku..... Aku gelak terbahak-bahak macam I was watching Whose Line Is It Anyway je. She is so funny!

Her wit amazes me.

She's always been the reserved one when we go out. But lately, I think she has embraced the fact that it's okay to be loud sometimes and maybe a little embarrassing cuz ... it's fun annoying people in public. And the worse they can do is jeling kita macam nak cicir biji mata, kan?

Anyway, enjoyed it immensely. And good thing she is on a roll lately, probably because of the high speed connection. She's so good, I think she should monetize it.

Oh, esok.... aku pergi KK after school, taking the bus. Then balik malamnya. Then the next morning, aku pergi KK balik, send L to the airport. Memang aku dah niat nak hantar dia even before she asked me to. She is pregnant and nak balik bersalin kat sana....

Aku dah mengantuk. Good night semua....

numbers

2009-07-23T21:56:00.001+08:00

Got this from my brother in an email he sent me asking about the resume he's asked me to edit and condense.

Mari main Magic - Ini ke nombor telefon anda??

Is this your h/p number?
1) Key-in the first 3 digit of your handphone number (not the 01x number) into the calculator
2) Multiply by 80
3) Add 1
4) Multiply by 250
5) Plus last four digit of phone number
6) Plus last four digit of phone number again
7) Minus 250
8) Divide by 2 at last

Is it your handphone number????

on being t@gged

2009-07-16T20:59:00.003+08:00

I was on T@gged.

Cuti sekolah yang lalu, aku bosan di rumah. Duduk termanggu-manggu. W pasang pulak J@ring Wireless.... Oh my.... Tagged account yang aku memang dah ada for a while tetiba je came alive. And I got many marriage proposals from so many men. Keh keh keh.... Aku gelak je. Ingat aku gila ke bodoh?

Anyway, selepas dua bulan Gmail account aku dibanjiri messages and tags from lelaki-lelaki hensem dah tak hensem dan pembeli-pembeli pets jutawan dan tags yang macam-macam sampai aku nak terbeliak menengoknya.... aku telah mendelete account aku. Sebab apa? Sebab aku am losing precious sleep and dah mula jadi stalker. Uurgh... That is so not sexy.

Now my Gmail account kembali sepi, except for the occassional messages from Facebook. Ye, aku kembali sunyi. Dan aku fine with that cuz aku memang manusia yang sangat menghargai my 'me' time and I am not gonna waste it on trying to answer crazy messages from hundreds of people I hardly know who may or may not have ulterior motives in trying to get to know me.

Apa pun, I get to sleep early again. Unlike before, I'd get hooked on T@gged and spend hours on it. Wasting my time and in time turn into a stalker which drove me into becoming the crazy person I am trying so hard not to be. Anyways....

Aku mengantuk. Aku nak tidur. And I am glad that I can get to sleep because no one will be missing me on that thing called T@gged.

Speku : Kerana T@gged badan binasa? Tak mustahil.... :-)

all the single laydes

2009-06-05T01:03:00.001+08:00

I never really cared about the Jonas Brothers until I saw this on YouTube. He is one brave boy....

purity

2009-05-28T23:10:00.003+08:00

I used to think that a girl in a hijab is protected from bad things. Things that are prohibited in the faith. But I had mistaken myself. The protection only comes from within; oneself. Being in a hijab does not make you invincible from temptations.

I am not saying that the hijabbed are hypocritical. But honestly, I don't think the people who are unwilling to give up the tight-fitting garment that they pair with the hijab to make up a so-called new Muslimah look, they better just not wear a hijab at all, because there is no use covering your head when you are virtually naked in the eyes of the faith. Prancing around in body-hugging and tight-fitting second-skin garments that you pair with a head covering is just plain wrong.

And to those covered girls who still have all the pre-marital sex they want to have, drink all they want and whatnots, take it off. Stop giving a bad name to those girls who does cover themselves up from the purity of their hearts. For God. Not for the sake of fashion.

W, if mom is worried that I am doing the hanky panky with Mimi, and talks about it with you, please tell her, not to worry. I am old enough to know better as it is.

Love you, miss you. See you again soon.

why?

2009-05-28T21:56:00.002+08:00

On Twilight...

I haven't read the book, so I don't really understand why a few hundred year old vampire choose to keep staying in school. Can't they get a job, or something? And what's a few hundred year old vampire doing falling in love with an under-aged school girl?

Did I miss this chunk of info by not reading the book?

Nice movie though...

packin'

2009-05-28T20:22:00.004+08:00

In a perfect world, I am perfect.

It's not a perfect world. I am not perfect.

The truth of the matter is, when I am flooded with other responsibilities, I tend to forget a lot of personal things that needs to be done a long time before the other stuff.

I am leaving for a two-week school break. Tomorrow. I am lucky to have a job that allows that. But here is the thing; I don't know who I will be leaving my car with and my cat just gave birth to 3 tiny adorable kittens.

I don't know if I can get to KKIA from my workplace in time tomorrow. I don't really know why I got myself the 1640 flight when I normally take the 2015 flight. So, right after school tomorrow, I hope I have found a kind soul to board the cat and the kittens for the next 14 days. I could have given away this cat a long time ago, but she is the only companion I have in my state of constant aloneness. No, that does not mean I am lonely. Look it up. This is the only cat that had stayed with me longer than two years. The others just disappeared when they are well enough or grown up. Her being plain looking just helped her from being catnapped, I guess. And I took her to the vet about two months ago for fear that she might get pregnant again. But the vet didn't want to do it. I wondered why, but I took her home and sure enough, she was pregnant again soon after. So now I have one cat and three kittens.

This morning, I had hit a puppy. At the oil palm estate. I was overtaking some workers on bicycles, when this puppy having been running between these bicycles, decided to cross the road right into my car. I braked, but it was too late. It just went under and was left in a bundle on the side of the road, in the grass, howling in pain. And I didn't stop. I drove on and went all the way to school and left Linda there. I went back to the place where I had hit the puppy to ask who it belonged to. But the puppy was gone and along the road, no one heard of anyone talking about me hitting the puppy.

I love dogs. If it is not because it is najis mughallazah to Muslims, I would have owned a few.

I am so very sorry, puppy. I hope he did not have to suffer too long for what I had done. I can still hear it howling in pain in that bundle on the side of the road. God, please forgive me.

And this morning my mak angkat came to my office. Bearing with her the box of belacan she made herself that she always makes sure I take back to my mom every time I fly home. I have not been to her place since I came back here. I am not sombong. I wanted to go visit. But the times when I had the time, she was in Brunei or with her mother on the other side of the river. So, knowing that the school break is looming close and I would probably be leaving for the break, instead of the other way around, she came to me.

I was in the main office, when a kid told me that someone was waiting in my office. I thought it was one of the parents who came to see me on a call letter. When I stepped inside my office, and saw who it was, I was suprised, and ashamed at the same time. And she cried when she saw me. It surprised me that she really missed me. She told me about what's happened that she hadn't been around at her own place too much lately. I called my mom and let them talk for a while. When she was done talking to my mom, we talked a little bit more. Then I promised to stop by at the place tomorrow morning, before my class starts. Her place is just 70 meters or so from where I work.

It's strange how this little lady, 50-something of age. She has aged, but she has not lost the vigor for life. I am sure she is as bubbly as she was when she was seventeen. She still plants her own rice and she is as happy as a daisy. It seems like nothing can pull her down. She seems to not let not being too in touch with her emotions get her down.

At the end of the day, what does this 'being in touch with your emotions' get you? It makes you over-analyze every little crap that people say or do to you. It makes you touchy, too sensitive, grumpy. Sometimes, I wish I can just block out all these emotions bombarding me every time something crappy happens in my life. I wish I can retrain myself to not let myself feel too much of everything.

But then that will not make me me. My friends didn't get to know me as this mild-mannered little lady with a little voice. They knew me like this. It's not impossible to retrain myself into someone else, but I have better things to do and too little time to do them in.

I am flawed, it's a sad thing. I have been kicking myself in the butt for being this way for the longest time, but I guess it is just not hard enough. So with the constantly bruised butt, I have decided that I will have to just change or just stay they way I am and accept myself the way I am. Other people are flawed too. My flawes just happen to be too many, too often and sometimes quite public. It's hard to admit, but yes, sometimes I do get in other people's way because of the way I am when imposing myself on others feels to me like the worst thing one can do to another person.

So, right now, I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. But I will figure something out, I always do.

I can't wait to see my family again. I miss them dearly.

I haven't even started packing yet. I better start now. :-)

2009-05-27T20:53:00.000+08:00

Tak sabar nak balik Jumaat ni... Hmmm!!!

jenjalan & kanmakan

2009-05-24T22:34:00.002+08:00

Aaaaah... penatnya.

Siapa suruh aku memenatkan badan? Takde siapa.

Hantar penceramah yang aku amik hari tu. Lepas je ceramah tu selesai, kami semua lunch, and then terus we hopped into my trustee QMF and terus drive ke KK tanpa henti cuz I already had my things packed and loaded in the trunk of the car before I left home earlier. En. Ahmad pun dah check out from his hotel room before we left for the lecture.

We didn't drive all the way just the two of us, mind you. I did pick up Mimi, as always at his school, and we drove there together gether. At the airport, I just dropped En. Ahmad off and said goodbye. I don't always just drop people off like that without hanging around sampai that person goes into the departure hall. I felt a little guilty, he came all the way there and then I just dropped him off like that. But he said, dah hantar sampai sini pun dah syukur sangat dah.

He's such a nice person. We talked from Lawas to KK. Macam-macam hal budak sekolah kami cakapkan. His lecture had been enlightening. Lepas ni, harapnya, kuranglah sikit soalan-soalan musykil dari adik-adik guru kat sekolah tu yang aku tak mampu nak jawab.

Lepas we said our goodbyes and he salamed Mimi, we left him there and headed to our hotel. Checked in and the first thing we did was pergi 1Borneo. Makan and window shopping. Saja pergi sana dulu cuz jauh sangat dari pusat bandar. Beli handbag kat gerai-gerai tu, baju T and long sleeve kat FOS dan kasut. Semua murs murs! Maklum je, hujung-hujung ni. Ala, kalau awal-awal pun, aku memang tak mampu nak beli Braun Buffel, Manolo Blahnik atau Salvatore Ferragamo...

Then balik ke hotel, bawa barang naik atas and rehat-rehat. Turned off my phone. Saja nak conserve energy, cuz lupa bawa charger. Then the hotel phone rang "Room service" katanya. Kejadahnya? Si Mimi call nak tanya bila nak turun. Dah siap dia rupanya. Ten minutes!!! Biasalah, walau setengah jam pun, tetap kata ten minutes... I try la, ok?

Dapat park kereta depan hotel. Maklum je, budget hotel ni kan mana ada underground parking lot? Lagi pun tempat nak pergi tu just within walking distance je dar situ, so we went to CP on foot. Takde la nak beli apa pun. Teringat nak catch a movie lagi. And while si Mimi pergio nengok2 baju di FOS yang baru buka kat CP tu, I said nak pergi tengok kalau ada movie yang I can see within the time limits I have set to myself (preferably anything that ends before 12 midnight).

Star Trek was to start at 8.20 that night. It was ten past eight at the time. That is so sweet! I got myself a ticket and text Mimi saying sorry that I was going in at 8. He said, ok je... senang kan, kawan dengan dia? Takde nak kecik-kecik ati.

I have to say, Zachary Quinto is my new crush pulak dah... cis! Tak setia betul. Tapi tak la seberat aku crush kat Martin Shaw. Sebab he is still so very young and so skinny. It was just the persona he portrayed in the movie that struck me. Cuz he was supposed to be the younger version of Leonard Nimoy and I have always had a crush on that guy when I used to watch Start Trek when I was younger. Way younger. Boy I have already had my daddy issues way back then la. Cait!

Anyway, it was good. And I am one happy woman because lately, I have been able to see all the movies that I really really wanted to see. I saw Wolverine, Angels and Demons AND Start Trek and I loved them all, and they are totally worth the money. Will find the DVD as soon as they come out.

Pirate dah kuar? Ello, apa pirate-pirate ni? Ehem...!

Berlagak la pulok.

Takkan nak ngaku kat sini? Kan salah di sisi undang-undang gitu?

Lepas movie, aku balik sorang ke hotel. Si Mimi, aku tak tahu apa dia buat lepas aku pergi tengok movie. Probably shopping lagi. Later on pun dia nak pergi clubbing dengan kawan-kawan dia, macam biasa. No, that is a different set of friends, and I am not a part of that set.

Balik, tukar baju, tengok Cinemax, tido.

Next (this) morning, bangun agak lewat kerana hujung minggu aku memang lewat bangun la. Bukan kat umah pun, nak laundry baju or kemas umah ke pe ke.

Kul 9 dah bangun pun. Tapi sebab aku malas nak pergi mana-mana, aku tengok tv je. Sampai si Mimi ketuk pintu, aku tengah mandi. Mak! Ten minutes!!!

Turun, check out and masuk kereta. Makan kat Malindo Api-Api. Ada squad moto besar pergi perasmian pameran keta kat depan tu. Semua moto BMW. Oh mak, menitis ayor mata nengor bunyi enjinnya yang sungguh menaikkan nafsu tu. Kalau lah dapat merasa bawa kelliling bangunan tu seround dua pun, alangkah indahnya. Heaven....

Dapat amik foto pun jadik la...

Pergi Karamunsing. Ingat nak upgrade RAM menda cinonet ni. Rupanya tak leh. Oh well... takpelah. Bukan primary work station pun.

Then tatau nak pergi mana... ke mana kami? City Mall pulak. Gila ke apa? Mengukur bangunan betul kali ni.

BC studio yang pernah ada kat CP tu dah pindah ke sana. Tak ada lagi jual baju yang aku suka tu. Kemeja putih dengan fabrik meregang. Kini ia sudah jadi sebuah boutique yang kelihatan gah. Harga bajunya pun RM200 ke atas je. Bukan macam dulu when it used to see baju reject. Well kalau the collar labels dah kena tanggal tu, bukan reject ke, namanya?

Then masuk departmental storenya. I needed a new luggage sebab luggage lama dah tertanggal handlenya. Ada sale 50% discount, belilah satu. Sebab kalau tak beli takkan balik Jumaat ni aku nak bawak beg yang handlenya dah terkelepai? Kakinya dah patah satu lebih dua tahun dulu tapi aku pakai juga, wat-wat tak nampak je. And kikis je perasaan malu and segan kat orang, sebab badan dia masih elok sangat lagi. Just kakinya yang plastik tu je yang patah. So what dia senget sikit bila aku prop dia upright? So what orang tengok? Dia adalah the little luggage yang sangat baik kepada aku.

Then aku takde benda nak beli sangat, aku kata kat Mimi, please carry on, let me duduk kat Sta@rbux while I wait for ya. Between me and him, frankly, dia yang kuat membelek barangnya pun. Me, not so much. So, kalau time shopping, selalunya, aku yang kena duduk mana-mana tunggu dia puas membelek and membeli barang.

So aku pun plonked myself at that place with a venti caramel machiatto. With free whiped cream cuz the guy at the counter kesian kat aku sebab aku tetiba tanya kenapa takda whipped cream? The girl kata takde sebab aku kat kata nak, masa bayar tadi. Tapi tah macamana, the guy kata come come I put for you. Dah la comel, baik la pulak tu. Nasib baik aku takde anak dara, kalau tak, nak je aku buat menantu.

Sambil duduk tu, tengok keliling, semua orang ada laptop. Oh ye, aku kat ada si cinonet dalam handbag aku ni kan? Apa kata...

Online, siapa lagi kat YIM tu yang adanya sibuk mengebuzz aku? The ever faithful J. Jangan risau, dia cuma kawan. Kini sangat bahagia dengan the Indian girl. And dia sangat hormat atas kehendak aku, di mana dia tidak menyebut hal gadis tu dengan aku.

Mulanya aku cakap la dengan dia. Tapi later on, when Mimi was done with his shopping, I asked him to come over to where I was sitting so J could talk some to him. Turned on the webcam, showed him the coffee shop and then biar je dia chat with Mimi. Dia nak tengok me, but me was embarrassed by me double chin, so biar la dia chat dengan si Mimi je.

Habis battery, kami gerak. Aku tak bawa charger. Aku bukan bawa cinonet untuk di whip out at every chance I get to surf the web FOC.

Oh, belum balik lagi, ok? Pergi Tanjung Aru pulak. Duduk-duduk. Mimi beli sayap ayam. Lepas habis sayap ayam and separuh gargantuan avocado juice ( yang ditapao dalam gelas kertas sebesar Big Gulp) kami jenjalan kat pantai tu. Tengok abang-abang practice rubgi. Wergheheheh... kami adalah girlfriends sangat!

Lepas tu, ada motor besar datang. Augh!!! Mak nak sebijik, sedekah le weih! Kedekut betul!

Mak nak nanges dengar bunyi enjin dia. Takde jenama tempatan deh... semua yang importm, ok?

Then kami teruskan perjalanan. Balik... Si Mimi tido kejap dalam kereta. Dia risau mak letih or mengantuk. Ala, kalau dah malam, takde la ngantuk. Petang je, masa matahari menyilaukan je mak risau mak tertidur. Tak tahulah kenapa.

Sampai Sipitang, kami berhenti rehat kejap. Makan nasi goreng daging. Then hantar dia balik kuarters dia and then mak terus balik ke rumah di Lawas.

Mak? Hello, siapa pondan ni? Dia ke I?

Anyway, saja je cerita kat sini. Malam ni katanya result transfer akan kuar lepas tengah malam. Dia ada apply. Kalau dia dapat pindah, this could have been the last we both sempat outing sama-sama. Next times sampai I pindah, I will probably pergi sendirian. Which is okay. Cuma not as much fun sebab sorang-sorang kan? Kawan lain mana ada yang nak ikut?

Okey dokey... It's LATE! Aku patut dah tido kul 10 tadi lagi! Sungguh tak berdisiplin cikgu ni.

Babai lah, korang sume... Me tido lu...

still a rock star

2009-05-22T22:06:00.003+08:00

Topic of the day; aku sangat penat.

Pergi sekolah cam biasa. Daily assembly, Negaraku, Doa. Hari ni aku noticed budak2 turun sendiri tanpa dipanggil. Not gonna get myself all excited, cuz dorang tak boleh dipuji. Biar je tengok dulu cemana.

Ada mak budak datang, anak dia marah dia sebab paksa dia sekolah. Aku kata, takpelah kalau nak berhenti. Biar kehidupan saja jadi gurunya kalau dah ibu bapa dan guru tak boleh ajar lagi. Tapi kerani buat sijil tu berkurun nak datang sekolah, makcik tu lari dulu sebelum sijil berhenti dapat dikeluarkan. Sebenarnya aku kelesuan sebab periods aku macam air terjun pagi tu, so aku kurang faham apa motif makcik tu datang mengadu kat aku macam tu. Tak patut aku kata suruh berhenti tu kan? Tapi kalau dah sampai marah mak sendiri, aku rasa budak tu layak jadi sampah je. Biar dia rasakan susah payah hidup ni sendiri.

Lepas macam2 hal and breakfast, kul 9.10 am baru ada masa free nak bungkus bunga dawai and manik yang Z tempah kat orang kampung and she asked to mail to her. M nak balik Melaka untuk persediaan kahwin dia, so I thought lebih baik kirim kat M je.

Din tolong aku bungkus. Bagus betul kerja dia. Kemas. Dah bungkus dengan kadbod, bungkus dengan manila kad lagi. Bunga tu ada dalam 4.5 kaki panjangnya.

Kul 9.50, ada parent datang nak jumpa aku pasal anak dia. Aku jemput dia duk kat bilik PK1 aku and we talked about his daughters. Banyak betul masalah dia. Aku tumpang simpati. Sebab ayah mana yang gembira kalau anak tak minat ke sekolah. Aku betul-betul simpati kat dia. Aku kata, hari Isnin ni, kalau dia datang sekolah, biar saya jumpa dia and cakap dengan dia. Lepas tu saya akan suruh pergi sesi kaunseling supaya dia jumpa semula matlamat dia ke sekolah.

Then aku pergi mengajar. Lewat masuk kelas sebab jumpa pakcik tadi. Budak-budak dah resah gelisah and tido tido kat meja. Kelas hujung, corot, nakal, etc, semua la. Tapi aku tetap sayang diorang, sebab aku faham perasaan jadi budak corot kat sekolah dulu. Aku buat pop quiz je sesi kali ni. Aku kata, markah tertinggi, akan dapat sebatang pen dakwat hijau jenama Buncho yang aku buat koleksi.

Danny B. B. dapat 13/14. Dia memang pandai. Tapi kesamsengannya sangat membingungkan. Seperti dia malu jadi pandai. Aku senyum lebar masa umumkan dia markah tertinggi. Masa aku bagi pen kat dia, aku kata, ni baru satu, saya ada satu koleksi, lain kali quiz, buat lagi. Dia sengih lebar je.

Kamran, kenapa kau ponteng aje? Dia takde duit nak beli minyak motor cikgu. Ok, dok asrama ye? Lepas cuti ni. Saya pun pakai keter tu, seminggu RM70. Ala, cikgu ada gaji tetap. Ha... tu lah kamu, kalau cikgu berduit, cikgu salah. Cikgu pandai, cikgu salah, cikgu cantik/kemas/smart, cikgu salah. Semua cikgu salah. Kamulah semua yang betulnya?

Inda' inda' cikgu.

OK, times up. Saya keluar awal hari ni. Jangan nakal-nakal, nanti cikgu lain kata kamu jahat. Jangan mengada nak balik awal aaa... ikut jadual macam biasa. Jangan baik sebab saya, bila saya pindah nanti, kamu nak jadi apa?

Cikgu nak pindah ke? Jangan cikgu, muda lagi. bla bla bla...

Cukup lah 10 tahun saya kat sini. Mak saya dah lama tunggu saya balik. Kesian dia. Bye.. see you people tomorrow! Bye, cikgu.

Masuk kereta, left school at 11am, seperti dirunding dengan boss. Ikut Jeff, dia naik motor, akan temankan aku pergi and balik KK ambil penceramah. Bawa M sekali, dia balik awal sebab nak siap hal kahwin.

Berhenti makan kat Bfort. Then gave him a call. Saja. Tapi phone off. Buat missed call 2 kali. Hmm, aku cakap kat M dan Jeff, kalau dia tak call balik sampai 12 malam ni, NEXT!

Dah kul 10.27... biarlah.

Text Mimi hal ni. Dia kata, patutnya ini dah berlaku lama dulu. Aku sangat setuju. Dan aku tidak berasa apa pun. Alhamdulillah. Again, God had saved me from myself.

Selama ni aku assumed je, sebab dah lama tak communicate. This time, confirmed.

So what? I'm still a rock star. I've got my rock moves, and I don't need you. Guess what? I'm having more fun, and now that we're done, and I don't need you tonight, I'm alright... bla bla bla...

Thanks to Pink for writing that song for me. Hiks! :-)

Hantar M ke airport Air Asia, tinggalkan dia dengan Jeff. Patah semula ke KKIA, amik En. Ahmad, Patah balik ke Air Asia, amik Jeff. Hampir terlupa meninggalkan M dengan duit bayar bunga tu! Kesian la dia kalau aku terlupa terus dan dia tak ingatkan.

Balik la.... Sian M tinggal sana sampai flight dia kul 8 tadi.

Singgah makan siput tarikh, ketam, udang and sayuran kat Beringgis Seafood.

Drive, sampai Sipitang, berhenti minum sekejap.

Sampai Lawas, tinggalkan En. Ahmad kat Perdana Hotel. Balik umah, tukar baju. Ah! Cenderahati penceramah aku tempah sian tadi aku lupa nak amik! Dah 9.11pm! Call Hoe Peng. Dia kata boleh pergi amik kat kedai, call dulu. Dia kat Miri. Call kedai, kuar amik benda tu. Balik.

Check email. Check offline messages on YIM. Buat blog entry ni.

Esok pergi bawa En. Ahmad breakfast. Then drive ke sekolah. Then ceramah. Then hantar dia balik ke KKIA. Bawa Mimi sekali. Kami tido KK malam esok.

Missing you all... :-)

last few weeks

2009-05-18T22:46:00.007+08:00

It's been a long ass time since since I last updated this blog.

I'm such a lazy bum. Even my blog has cobwebs.

Since everything I am going to write in here is literally basi already, I'll just try and make everything brief.

Since I was on Manukan.

I have found that there are none of the photos that had me in them are worthy of space on this blog. It's either out of focus, or just have me in it, without the scene behind me, or there would be someone crossing right between the camera and me. So maybe if I ever get around to it, I'll post the photos of friends I took while we were there. But then again, aku sangat malas. Let me think about it.

Friday, I went to Limbang, ada mesyuarat pengedalian ujian lisan. Nothing much to tell you other than, as always, kak Anna was very pleasantly efficient all the way down to the exact date she will be visiting my school.

The next day, I organized the netball match for KSK. Seven teams came up and they played from 7.00 am to 7.00 pm that Wesak Saturday. We end up with 4 winners. So glad I have one obligation done and over with albeit I was crazy tired physically and mentally by the time it was over.

Sunday, I went to Merapok, picked up Mimi and we both went for a day trip to KK. At first, dia pun tak sangka I was serious. Tidakkah kau tau, Mimi, KK tu bukan lah jauh sangat pada kakak kau yang gila berjalan ni. Nothing exciting, really. Just had Kenny Rogers kerana ada perasaan mengidam sikit and then went around shopping and looking at stuff. Mostly looking of course cuz not so much money and it was supposed to be just a crazy outing je.

Oh yeah... remember that entry that I said I will never associate myself with J ever again for as long as I live? Well this is a bit like cheating, because as I have expected, he did pop up again like he always does. And he did sound like he wanted to get back on the relationship wagon. But the difference this time is that it was not that hard for me to say no again this time. Because he was not pressing me as hard as he used to. So, just now, I found out that he likes this Indian girl. He always have loved dark skinned girl. So that's why he hadn't been trying that hard this time.

Lemme confess. There was a twang of jealousy there. But I thought about it and I couldn't find any justification for the feelings. I realize that I can't have him. My mind tells me it's wrong to want someone who belongs to someone else. But he said it's alright for a Muslim man to have more than one wife. Besides, it's unfair to cling on to something from your past hoping to relive something so wonderful, maybe the most wonderful feeling I had ever experienced with anyone I have had a relationship with, when I know I have no intention to pursue the kind of relationship he had suggested. And there been nothing there anymore worth holding on to for the longest time, other than the fact that he loved me once. And he truly did. And that was it.

It's nice to know that all this while, he had been holding on to the tethers he himself had tied himelf to. The thethers are finally coming undone on his own free will.

So, I'm happy for him that he finally can let go. Yes, finding someone else does make it easier, based on experience. He never really had someone to fall back on everytime we break up. Now he does, and that twang of jealousy will eventually leave me and I will be ready to be happy for him and smile at the fact that my once true love have found his second or maybe third happiness. He is a good man, despite the fact, and he does not deserve the heartache that was me. He has a bad heart. He needs a stable and funny and sweet person to spend pleasant moments with. We used to have that. Then shit got in the way. I moved on. He finally did. As a friend, I am truly happy. Alhamdulillah.

Sedih? Ada sikit. Tapi sebagai kawan sejati seperti yang telah aku janjikan, aku ikhlas, gembira akan kegembiraan yang sedang dia nikmati dengan orang lain. He saved one half of his heart for me, but I threw it to the ground and stomped on it. Not once. Not twice. Several times. A man can only take so much. And I need him to walk away, because staying would mean I will keep hurting him. Now that half is for her. Where is the other half? Kalau korang betul tahu aku, korang akan tahu the other half of his heart is for whom. But he has a lot of love that keeps growing.

Jangan muntah. This is my life. Your life does not worth any more than mine. So don't judge me.

May 13th yang lalu, marked the 5th year dad passed on. On the weekend, aku sangat ingat, dan aku bercadang nak baca Yassin malam tu nanti. Tapi the weekend was hectic, so I forgot all about it. I have never been very good with dates. All my life, dates never mean much to me. I forget birthdays. But that date I thougth I will remember. Tapi malam tu ibu called me and told me that it was tarikh ayah meninggal. I wanted to write him a letter. But not like dad ever logs on and reads my blog. I read him the surah Yassin Khamis malam Jumaat, which was the following night, macam biasa.

I just want to say that I miss him to bits. I wanna tell him what a wonderful father I thought he was and that eventhough there were some crazy shit times between him and mom, it's okay because I know they love each other and everyone in the family to eternity and back. That's just how the way we are. I am grateful that I was born to be his daughter, because he had taught me a lot on life. I'll write him a letter. He should not just be a footnote in one of my entries.

Lately, hidup macam kurang makna. No, this is not a suicide note. I love life. Life is okay. Aku je kurang ok.

Punyalah kurang ok, sehinggakan aku ada perselisihan dengan seseorang kat sekolah. Bukan selisih faham. Kami sangat memahami apa yang telah berlaku antara kami. Aku sedar kesalahan aku, dan dia sedar kesalahan dia. Tapi selama ni dia selalu menegur kesilapan aku. Selama ni aku terima saja dengan hati terbuka. Tapi petang tu, sebab aku bergaduh dengan J paginya, sepanjang hari jadi terganggu. Aku tak minta J text aku. Tapi dia suka juga text aku dan akhirnya aku dengan dia bergaduh. On text. Dan sebab dia dengan aku bergaduh, ada something wrong somewhere dalam kepala aku, aku jadi extra sensitif hari tu. So bila dia tegur aku, aku rasa macam tak adil sangat sebab aku rasa dia boleh handle the situation a lot better than the way she did. So aku marah dia balik. On text sebab dia tegu aku pun on text. Aku tau mesti lepas ni tak bertegur la kami kat tempat kerja. Tapi aku sangat marah sebab rasa unfair sangat dia wat cam tu.

Apa-apa pun, aku dah kata, thanks for tegur me like that, sebab me tau, me selalu buat silap. Me thank dia sangat. Tapi me think dia boleh tegur me in such a better way than the way she did, sebab itu me respect her selama ni. Tapi I guess, dalam keadaan marah, sesiapa je pun boleh melatop!

So aku boleh maafkan dia. Aku dah pun maafkan dia sebab aku sedar, aku pun salah juga. Tapi aku tau coming from me, it is a little hard to swallow. So I know she doesn't like it, and tak semua orang macam aku boleh terima teguran, mengamuk sekejap, digest, dan back to normal. I guess she needs more time. I didn't mean to steal her thunder and wreck everything between us. Takpelah, she can take her time.

Oh ye, aku dah pandai snorkelling. This fat build up is really helping. Next time I am on an island somewhere, no more renting life jackets for snorkelling. And I have yet to learn how to swim properly. So kalau aku kena cramps ke apa ke, ko rasa aku boleh timbul tak, atau aku akan mati je nanti?

Last week aku pergi KK lagi. Walaupun aku takde duit, aku tetap pergi. Aku memang dah gila. I think I am trying to run away from something. But I don't know what. Has Lawas become a chore to me? Has work finally gotten on to my nerves? Is this all there to life?

When I told W about it, she said, come back home, we can hangout together at KLCC and go places. That would be fun. She is a fun person. But we always have our sibling fights and arguments too. But that's not it. I think I am finally ready for a move. It took me ten years to realize that I am indeed a city girl and I could only get so far in the small town life. So what I can't have the greeneries on all sides on the way to and from work. So what if I can't have the toll-free road all to myself and drive as fast as I can go without getting a ticket? So what if no one knows me by name and car plate number. So what if I can just park my car right in front of the bank or the post office and get my business done a drive away without having to pay for leaving my car out in precious uncovered space that belonged to the municipal counciul? So what if I don't have to fight for standing space at the waterfall? So what I don't get to eat some siput tarik when next I step into a seafood restaurant? So what if I have crystal clear blue ocean waiting for me to jump in just three hours fromw here I live? So what if I get to pay just RM5 for all the tap water I use all month? There is more to life than freedom of space and time.

Time to stop worrying about all that because the kind of job I will be doing and the family I will have close by will help me not to have time to even think about these things. Let alone miss them.

Pergi KK wat apa? Entah. It was a big blur. Tapi aku ingat aku pergi tengok Angels and Demons kat Growball Theatre at Centrepoint KK. Sebab? Kerana filem garapan Ron Howard ini sangat mendebarkan and it had kept me on the edge of my seat throughout the movie, unlike its predecessor, The DaVinci Code which was such a disappointment compared to the book. This time, I didn't have time to read the book yet, so that might have helped.

Again, the whole scenario happened in one night and this professor has to solve some stuff in order to save the four preferatis who were to be elected to replace the pope on his death. They were kidnapped by a man paid by someone or some organization. He kills them one by one, until the last one whom he tried to drown in the fountain. strapping him onto some upright trolley you see people use at warehouses to transport goods and to that, the kidnapper had tied on some weights. He drove his diabolical van and parked it right next to the fountain. Killed two police officers before opening the side door of the vehicle, and pushed the cardinal into the fountain to die from drowning as in the fourth element. The professor jumped in right after him but the cardinal was almost out of breath when he was finally joined by some other people who heard him yelling for help. They finally manaed to pull him out of the water. At the end of the story, he became the pope of course, because he was the last of the preferatis.

I figured out the real bad guy when he said, 'It's him, he has the gun!' with the flesh on his chest still hot and bleeding from the branding iron he himself had pressed on to. But the scene where he took to the helicopter with the anti matter and flew high up in the sky before it exploded in mid air was pretty damn dramatic if you were still in limbo on who is the baddie. Oh, he was a trained army transport pilot before he went and became a priest at the vatican.

He was trying to become the pope through the special elections so he could convert the church to science. He is one ambitious bastard.

I also found out that my friend Natalie have had her operation to correct her bite. I saw the two photos on her other blog and saw how swollen her face is. I wish I could visit, but she never invited me to her mom's place. I hope she gets well again very soon, so we can go out and catch a movie or something.

Actually, last weekend, I had planned to be in KK to take Johana on some sight-seeing. Thought it would be great fun if me, Nat and Jo can all go together. Maybe Mimi can join too because we always go to KK on weekends together lately. But Jo had to cancel sebab ada doctor's appointment katanya. Nat pun is recuperating. Since I had it already planned and memang jiwa ni senantiasa meronta-ronta nak keluar dari Lawas, I went anyway.

I had a blast! Beli itu ini begini begitu.

Oh yes. I'm not sure who reads this blog. And I am sure they know me by now that when I write in here it's not because I have any ulterior motives. Just to remind myself who I was 10 years from now.

So apa pun aku tulis sini, is for me, and I am not too worried of what you think of me, because as a person, I know even if I am never up to par to you and you and you, I have indeed grown by leaps and bounds and glad that the events in my life have lead me here.

So here goes.

Aku dengan N, is over. Don't gasp in horror! I want it to be over. Letih la. We both have very busy lives and there is someone out there better for the both of us. Bukan in terms of finances or whatnots. More on the emotional attachment level. There had been none of those with him. No pointing of fingers here. Just a fact which is not sad at all. Just a realization. Too many secrets and too much aloof nonchalance on both sides, mana boleh hidup ini benda? So, I am giving it a rest. If he decides to call, it's up to him. But going on trips with him again, I will have to think about it longer and harder before deciding.

Kucing aku, si Mimie' is such a slut. She is pregnant! AGAIN!

You see, I love cats and I adore kittens, but I am a working woman who shares a house with other not so like-minded people. I worry every time I have to travel. They will surely keep the kittens outside in the cold and eventually be killed off by dogs. I can't have anymore kittens until I am back in KL when there is always someone to take care of them when I travel. Well, in West Malaysia lah. But methinks.... Ala.... will she still be with me when the time comes for me to go back? Kalau masih dengan aku, aku akan bawa dia balik sekali kalau dapat kelulusan veterinar. Kalau tak, terpaksalah dia jadio kucing jalanan kalau takde sapa yang nak kat dia. Dia bukan purebred, just kucing kampung yang sangat manja. Kalau aku nangis, dia terus datang dekat aku. Tatau kenapa. Selalunya dia akan dok kat riba aku ni time aku menaip ke apa ke. Tapi bila aku nangis, dia terus snuggle close at my neck. Tersentuh jiwa ni taw?

Played badminton after three months of not playing. Ada friendly match dengan SMK Lawas. my opponent was good. We played as well as we could. The fact of the matter is, aku dengan partner aku tak click. Bukan salah sapa-sapa lah. Aku pun dah out of shape. Gained a few kg's and stamina pun tak bagus sangat. I don't remember the score, but we played rubber set, we lost with little difference in the score. At least larat la nak berubber setnya pun dalam gemok gemok semput ni nya ha. But at least I know my fitness level after so long not palying. Nak kena mula main balik nih!!! Jangan dibiarkan diri ni menternak badan. I bukan kerbau, ok? Nak di aqiqahkan.

Apa aku merapu malam ni? Dah lewat dah ni. Hari ini, lepas judging poetry recital, aku balik sorang sebab M dan L tak tahu aku hanya ada empat contestants je. Aku pun mana taw? Dah dok kat situ baru tau. Lepas tu mana lah pulak jadi hakim nak main smsnya kan? Ces, aku sangka pun mereka takde orang nak ditumpang petang tadi. By the time I sent them a tesxt message, they were already on the way home dengan orang lain.

Lepas tu aku drive sengsorang. Then aku bantai terlelap berpuluh kali. Sampai beberapa kali aku terasa macam ada orang keep tapping on my shoulder to wake me up just in time to avoid hitting the car ahead of me, or driving straight into the side of a winding road right into the gutter.

AKu berhenti sekejap kat tepi jalan and tried to sleep it off. Tapi macam biasa, tak pernah berjaya. So, aku drive je la dalam mengantuk tu sampai jugalah ke rumah. Masuk bilik terus tidur. Dua jam! Bagusnya!!! Tak solat asar sebab masa I woke up dah masuk Maghrib. Now dah 12.22 aku tak leh tido.

Mimie' lena kat sebelah aku dengan perutnya yang sangat besar. Dia sangat comel bila tidur. Aku ada banyak gambar dia tido.

Aku hilang kucing satu lagi. I took her drom school. She is basically white with three large dots of yellow brown and black on her spine. Dia pun sangat comel because he has an adorable air about her. I have some photos of her too. I'll usually take her home from school, play with her in my room, where she will stay the whole night and then take her back to school the next day. One day she escaped downstairs. I thought dia adalah kat rumah. Rupanya dia dah tak ada. Tah siapa amik tah tahulah. I cried when it finally sunk in. Takde lagi kucing comel temankan aku di ofis yang cavernous dan sunyi tu. Takde lagi yang nak steal the scene by sleeping in such a cute way in my handbag. Kalau dia hidup lagi, I hope she is fine. If she is not, I know she is in kitty heaven, because she had been such a good little kitty who made a lot of people happy with her antics. Especially me.

Hmmm... I'm glad W dah kemas bilik dia. I never liked that it is always so messy. But she has her issues. And she will clean up when she wants to.

I miss mom. Miss my Ame and Afan and Isya. Miss J, now that I know he's finally moved on. Typical human, me. Missing W very dearly. And missing dad. Wish you're still with us, Ayah. But I know God loves you more so you had to leave this cruel world to go be with him. Semoga ayah tenteram di sana.

Good night, everyone.

panggilan pulau

2009-05-02T17:05:00.001+08:00

Aku d Pulau Manukan. Snorkelling. Finally berani snorkekling tanpa life jacket. Self-taught, ok? Ikan macam pelangi. The funny thing is, as I was spending the last half hour swimming on d surface, there was a bunch of little fish in a cluster that swam underneath me. Macam shelter. I was not flailing I guess.

Dah berapa tahun sejak aku bawa W ke sini. Lebih 5 tahun rasanya.

I wish you were here, baby sister.

food blog

2009-04-26T22:07:00.002+08:00

Love. Love. Love.

Love food blogs with very professionally taken photos. And there are millions out there.

Especially the ones where they show you how the end product is produced.

MmmmmmMMmmMMmmMmmmm...

vibe

2009-04-26T21:59:00.003+08:00

Too used being the one in control. Not due to the fact that I am a control freak. More of a 'if you want something done well, do it yourself' kind of thing. But sometimes, I do wonder how it feels like to have someone strong and confident taking over the reigns and tell me with conviction, these words that I want to hear so much; "Don't worry, honey. Everything will be OK. I've got you."

Being independent and in control of most of the things in my life does have its disadvantages. No one who approaches me in my workplace or my daily life is up to par. Or have the guts, or the will, or the need to approach me the way I need them to.

This is not desperation. Just a realization that unless I change the kind of vibe I am emanating from my person, I will just have to move away to someplace new and start over with the personality bit.

It's all in the vibe, baby.

crush

2009-04-25T22:28:00.002+08:00

Watch him in action on BBC's Judge John Deed at 8pm every Saturday then you will know what I mean.

If you agree that some men do get better with age, like wine (ack!) then he just might be one of the better specimen.

aspirations and forgiveness

2009-04-19T20:38:00.003+08:00

Adeque-adeque semua...

Sometimes, time changes people and perspectives.

I have met a lot of people throughout my life. And a lot of them have different perspectives of who I really am. Most of them, never ever really see my true self. They could only see only one side of me, because that is the side I choose to show them or, more accurately, it is that side of me that they have forced themselves to see. Most of the time, out of context. I don't blame them. Who has time to get to really know a person when there is so many other things going on in the world.

Here I am, close to my next birthday. I still don't feel this age I am approaching, nor do I know how I should be feeling at this age. I think that's a good thing because it keeps me upbeat and optimistic. I admit that I am still very much immature for my age. But when that is what expected of you, it get very difficult for me to change overnight, without raising any eyebrows, or being labelled a hypocrite. So I am willing to live with this caricature I have made of myself for the time that I will keep on spending here. It's not a very nice feeling, hiding behind this cartoon character. But that is who I am here; to them. As long I am doing my job, I'll be fine. Don't get me wrong. Do you think it feels good to deceive people with this facade I put on when I go to work every day when I go to work? It does not feel good. It's tiring. But just so that people will keep thinking that I am a thick-faced, power-crazed megalomaniac albeit immature at work is very important for me because I don't want anyone to think that I am a weak and sad being who needs to be pitied. I am not another mental welfare case. I am supposed to be the backbone. The driving force, at least for my committee.

It's funny, but some of the things that I feel had been my shortcomings have actually proven to be my best qualities. Through some painful and embarrassing times that I only realize later on. What is that, eh? Is there a definition for it? A word to describe it? To rush through life and only realize what kind of crap I had gotten away with for the way that I am? The way people think I am.

Nowadays, I realize how hurtful to others it can be so now I am more cautious. But being cautious also means that I have to be careful with every word I say, every step I take. That takes a huge chunk of the edge that I have been bravely bearing all this while. Ignorance was certainly bliss, when you know that these hurts heal and will crust over and make that person so much stronger from the experience. Let them hate me. I don't care. I am past that period of my life where I am like an eager puppy wanting, desiring nothing more to have as many friends in my life. Right now, I am just happy with the few that I have. I hope to be able to nurture these relationships, because they were the ones who really knew me from that era when I was still the wide-eyed naivette who is always game for anything that life might throw at me and won't care about how badly I will be scraped in the process. The rest are just space-fillers; people who choose to see me as the monster.

I am not saying I am the lifeline of this place where I am working. But when I look at the people around me, who are supposed to be working closely with me under my committee, when I decide to leave this place, will they still do what they are doing under my committee out of their heartfelt concern of the children of this school? I am not saying that they are not concerned. But I understand the fact that some of the classes are filled with crappy kids who don't give a damn about much, and they are themselves bogged down by other stuff, mainly teaching. But like I have said, what they are facing now is nothing compared to what they will have to brave when it is time for them to move to a new work environment. Rata-rata, the ones who have moved are complaining what kind of crazy working days they have to live through.

Bottomline is, at the risk of me sounding life a self-righteous bitch, will the one taking over from me keep the passion that I have eversince I came here, when it comes to the welfare of these children? And the teachers who teach them.

So, if one day you realize that the people who were once your so-called friends turn on you, don't mind them. They're human. And in my case, they never really knew you true motives. Or lack thereof. Forgive them, even when it is impossible to forget the hurt. Be good, do good and be patient. Because if they were really friends, they will realize what that crap was all about and be your friend again. If not, then they are just co-workers. Colleagues. Just work with them and don't expect too much of that relationship. Because expecting too much of a scarred experience will only hurt you again. Leave it the way it is and let it surprise you.

This entry is a bit all over the place.

To sum it up,

1. Aku doakan bakal pengganti aku boleh buat jauh lebih bagus daripada apa yang aku dah buat selama aku kat sini. Aku tahu aku banyak kelemahan. Itu pasal aku mau pengganti aku orang yang lebih bagus dan dedikasi akan kebajikan dan disiplin pelajar di bawah mereka.

2. Maafkan mereka yang telah menyakiti mu tanpa sengaja, kerana pastinya kau juga telah menyakiti mereka, one way or another.

I think. :-)

these few weeks

2009-04-13T22:07:00.003+08:00

Sabtu lepas, aku jadi pengerusi majlis untuk pembentangan kertas kerja oleh Ustaz Kipli bin Haji Yunus on Wanita Bestari Pemangkin Modal Insan Berkualiti.

Amboi....

Tengok tajuk, grand betul bunyinya. Agak grand la juga, kalau YB Datuk Amar Awang Tengah bin Ali Hassan yang jadi VIPnya.

But I just did my job, slot mula kul 2.00 pm sampai 3.15pm. Took over dari MC, perkenal pembentang, then all I did most of the time during the slot was sit pretty (pretty ke, mak?) on the stage while the pembentangan berlangsung. Not bad juga the ustaz. Maklumlah, dah berpengalaman dan amat berilmu berkaitan public speaking and motivational speeches ni kan? Then at the end of the pembentangan tuthe pembentang pulak yang tanya soalan kat hadirin and hadirat. Was supposed to be me to take over from him and let him sit while people ask questions. Tapi tak ada yang nak bertanya, so I took over from him, buat ulasan and then pass the majlis over back to the MC. Then the runners kemas dewan etc to get ready for the arrival of the YB. I waited for the YB, just to get a glimpse of him. But I left right after her arrived. I had another engagement to attend to afterwards. I got a piece of fabric and some cash which they gave to me on the stage.

I have been eating like a pregnant bear lately. I have gained more than a few pounds. I am worried. I have gone back to the weight I was back at uni. What heppen, my fren?

Ontahlah. Kawan den kato eden nak kono period. Iyolah agak eh. Eden ni period tak ponahnya samo, lain lain yo simptom eh. Kojap gini, kojap gitu. Tapi part yang gaining 5kg's tu yang tak sodap na tuh.

Lopeh tu den ketagih garam pulak dah balik, macam 4 tahun lopeh. Siap ni, salt shaker dalam beg tangan ni. Gilo ko apo???Iyo boto nak mampuih budak ni agak eh?

Tadi ni kul 7.30pm I attended a meeting for KSK. Duit dah masuk katanya. Beriya-iyalah abang-abang Chinese ni semua mengatur perbelanjaan. Maklumlah, mereka ni kan orang dah biasa bisnes, kan? Lagipun, salah seorang abang-abang tu adalah pemilik kedai peralatan sukan. Yassssszzzz..... Kalau dah KSK namanya, mestilah wajib menggunakan peralatan sukan, bukan? Cait! Tabbaek sangka buruk taw? Tapi aku rasa abang-abang Cina tu baik betul. Masa meeting, meriah sungguh.

I tried to leave earlier... tapi last-last, aku left at 8.45 gak. Dah more than an hour late for badminton. Baru nak mula main semula after so long. Last aku main bulan January lepas. Damn it!

Lepas tu aku kena gatal-gatal. Lepas tu clash dengan tah hapa-hapa. Last-last tak main la. Ni pun bukan apa sangat nak main, sebab kawan ajak. Sian la plak adik tu. Lagipun nak tahulah akuni mampu main lagi ke tak game tu. Mereka main bukan selow-selow. Ala-ala Thomas Cup match la jugak. Aku yang gemok ni just mencuba mana yang termampu je lah. Mana yang aku malas tu, aku biarkan je lepas tu buat-buat macam marah la. Padahalnya aku memang tak larat pun. Muahahahaha! Ni pun tadi takde warm up ke apa ke. Main je terus. Tak pernah ada masalah pun kalau aku tak warm up, sebab ... entah. Memang belum pernah kena cramps lagi. My body probably metabolizes uric acids efficiently? I don't know. I hope it won't cause any problems on my joints as I grow older. At work, ada dua orang staff yang kena gout. Kesian they all. Kalau sekali kena serangan tu, kena MC. I have my own ailments; namely irritable bowel syndrome and acute back pains that would render me motionless when it strikes. I'd be totally bedridden. Tapi dalam 2 - 3 tahun ni belum lagi kena serangan yang melampau sehingga kena ambil MC. Moga-moga Allah menjauhkan aku dari penyakit tu.

Tapi aku dapat penyakit lain pulak la dah skang. Asma. Maklumlah, degil cakap ayah aku. Ayah aku kata, lepas kul 8pm jangan mandi!!! Aku? Tak de, kul 2 pagi pun mandi ni! Kunun la tak selesa apa bagai. Skarang? Kau ingat dah tua tak leh kena asma kah? Ha.... degil lagi! Cakap ayah tu, kalau degil memang kena cash la kan? Skang ni kalau aku demam je, paru aku rasa berkeladak. Batuk cemana pun rasa tak puas. Pam je lah ventolin tu. Kalau tak juga lega, ke klinik la pulak, pakai serkup tu 30 minit. Degil lah lagi anakku Anillynette...

What I wanna say here is, if I can't lead by example, learn from my mistakes. Ingat tu, lekit cemana pun rasa badan lepas bersukan waktu malam, jangan mandi. Just lap dengan kain je. Biarlah orang kata jijik ke apa. Umur manusia tahan sampai 80 - 90, depending kalau pandai jaga kan? And tak kena eksiden apa ke. So nak pakai lama macam tu, pastikan internal parts pun sihat. Sesuailah dengan usia. Kalau umo 90, tapi internal parts macam umo 200 pun takde gunanya. Menyusahkan orang je nanti. Berdosa buat anak cucu masuk neraka sebab sakit ati bela kita taw?

Anyway, jangan mandi malam. Kalau nak sangat mandi, pastikan ada water heater. Itu pun jangan kerap sangat. Pendek umo nanti. Orang kan obsessed about living longer nowadays?

Kat tempat kerja, I think a lot of changes are happening and will continue happening. Tadi dah fax surat apply adakan ceramah literasi undang-undang at my school. Most of them are still reluctant to be disciplinarians, and just teach and then just mengeluh je bila budak buat perangai. Takkan mereka expect aku duduk kat belakang kelas all the time? They have to develop the skills themselves. I feel sorry for them. I know it can be overwhelming sometimes, but this is not just happening at this school je. Kalau mereka pindah ke sekolah lain, what are the odds of them having angelic students yang will follow everything they say, right? So with this, at least I hope the knowledge will help them develop the skill through experience.

Rabu, I have to give taklimat to my class teachers. Frankly, I am not very happy with some of them in terms of handling their classes. However, I am not playing the blame game, because I do realize, in this situation, I will have to help them by briefing them on the responsibilities of being a class teacher. I am really hoping that the briefing will help them to be better class teachers. Maybe because most of them are guru sandaran, of course mereka tak tahu, right?

Well, actually in my opinion, tak tahu, sepatutnya boleh bertanya. Tapi it seems to be a trend nowadays. Semua yang tak dipelajari kat U dulu jadi mustahil untuk pick up along the way once you are a teacher. Which is the wrong attitude. Tak, aku tak kata semua cikgu macam tu. Most of the teachers kat sini sangat bagus dan mempunyai a 'can do' spirit. Aku kagum dengan kemahuan dan kebolehan mereka when it comes to handling new things. So, kalau ada the right guidance, I am sure than everyone can be good at everything they do as long as they have the right attitude.

Kan?

Oh ye, I would also like to say Congratulations kepada sorang cikgu kat sekolah tu sebab dia dapat APC tahun ni. Dia memang layak sebab sangat rajin dan bersungguh-sungguh dalam menjalankan tugas. Untuk adik-adik yang lain, your turn will come. Keep up the good work!

Starting this week, akan ada banyak aktiviti. Busylah. Lately ni tak update bukan apa, malas. Jumaat lepas, cuti Good Friday. Hari ini, sekolah kat town ni cuti, Easter pulak. Sekolah kami applied the same off day tapi tak approved. Maybe bilangan guru dan murid beragama Kristian tak seramai sekolah tu kot? Maybelah.

Banyak benda nak cerita. Tapi,lain kalilah pulak.

Tadi budak dari kedai buat ID card to messaged me, katanya ada virus serang their computers, habis wiped out semua photo and info of the teachers yang aku hantar ke kedai last time. Kasihannya. Harap komputer mereka dah ok. I told him I will e-mail the stuff to them. Takkan nak drive all the way to Sipitang just to get the same stuff to them. Malaih la. Lagipun apakah gunanya ada Streamyx, kan?

Oh ye. Aku cerita kat sini benda yang aku nak buat bukan aku berlagak ke apa ke. There is still a lot of room of improvement for me. There are tons of things that I would like to do in terms of peningkatan professionalisme in my teachers at the school. Actually, planning all these for them, at the same time, tumpang belajar juga among them. Sambil swimming, drinking wasser, macam tu.

OKlah, not sure siapa yang baca blog ni lagi. Tapi I am sure siapa yang baca ni mesti bosan gila and tak tahu apa nak buat sampai kan baca entry ni sampai habis.

Tapi, thanks for reading anyway. I'm glad you are here.

sayang

2009-04-08T19:31:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, aku rasa nak give up je. Rasa macam nak give up. Rasa je. Tak la nak give up.

Satu benda yang aku sangat risau kebelakangan ni is that I am more aware of the things that come out of my mouth. When I sit by myself and think about it, I realize that I do have a knack to hurt feelings with my wordswithout even thinking or wanting to. Sort of like foot -in-mouth disease lah. So now I am like jadi bukan just aware, dah jadi self-concious. I hate being self-conscious of the things I say, because once that happens, it will take the edge off of me and I will be at a disadvantage. For once, I wish I have an iron will like the Ibles. Because he can say any kind of shit and people will talk about what a trashy human being he is, but he doesn't give a damn.

Petang tadi, as I was finishing my last lesson of the day, I got a phonecall from Kak L. She sounded pretty frantic. Siapa nak hantar Shannon balik? Akak ada kerja sampai petang ni tak dapat balik awal hari ni. Oh... saya pun nak stay back sampai kul 4, SM ada koku, then saya pun ada kerja. Takpe, takpe, kejap lagi saya pegi opis akak.

I end up hantar budak tu balik. Tapi aku singgah kedai beli tali kasut putih baru, and then bawa dia pergi salon. I asked Bernard to cut her crazy hair and color it back to black. It was red. OK? Budak lain kat sekolah tu semua tak suka kat dia sebab perangai dia yang macam tu. Try as I might not to be biased, I can't help but feel a little benci for her sometimes for being the way she is. Can't keep blaming the things around you all the time. Young as you are, you can still think for yourself la.

While waiting for her to get her hair done, I relaced her shoes with the white ones I just bought. She had pink sparkly ones. Fashionable. Very.

Anyway, when it was all done, dia bantai merabak dalam kereta on the way ke rumah dia. Cried quietly in the car. I said, it's just hair, it'll grow. You honestly think you looked so pretty before that? Granted, without the silly tails on the sides of her cheeks, the tufts of hair that stood up at the back of the crown of her head makes her look like she is on constant static electric. But there is nothing to be done there except to wait for it to grow back.

I may not be fashionable, but if you think individuality means copying some Indon artist hairstyle that does not work for you, you have another thing coming, honey.

Sampai rumah dia, I parked my car and got her clothes iron from the backseat while she stomped off down the hill, threw her bag on the ground and mengamuk meraung-raung macam orang meroyan. Masuk rumah and slammed the door. Aku tengok mak dia just tengok dia dengan hairan.

Aku salam mak dia and bagitau tadi saya bawa anak makcik pergi salon, potong rambut and color balik rambut dia. takpe cikgu, saya dah lama pujuk dia color rambut balik tapi dia tak mau. All the while dia meraung and baling benda dalam rumah. Kalau anak aku.... seriously, aku benam-benam dia dalam kolam ikan depan rumah dia tu, kalau dia betul-betul nak tahu who's in charge.

Anyway, aku pulangkan seterika dia yang kena rampas tu and promised her that her books will come tomorrow. And also told her that mulai sekarang, siapa awal dia la amik bawak budak ni pergi sekolah pagi-pagi.

Aku tak benci dia. Aku tahu dia need help even though she doesn't want it. Tapi, takkan nak tunggu dah jadi pelacur 5-6 tahun baru nak sedar...?

Malangnya, dia bukan anak aku. Kalau anak aku, aku dah ganyang cukup-cukup dari kecik so dia tak besar jadi makhluk ni.

Pusat pemulihan akhlak aje tempat budak ni, sebab Bernard from the hair salon pun kata selalu nampak dia jalan-jalan kat pekan dengan lelaki. She needs serious help. Dia dah rosak from sekolah lama dia lagi. Tapi apakan daya? Aku takde kuasa minta mahkamah keluar perintah untuk tempatkan dia di sana sebab dia bukan anak aku.

...

2009-03-31T20:46:00.001+08:00

Last night, for some reason, I thought that I will be better off without him. And I believed that with a conviction.

We'll see what we can do about that.

make you

2009-03-19T00:44:00.000+08:00

sob...

2009-03-19T00:26:00.002+08:00

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
if I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
i know this is love but,

If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
[Chasing Pavements lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

self evaluation

2009-03-18T07:45:00.004+08:00

There are so many other more interesting things in my life right now that I should be writing about instead of obsessing about him and prattling on and on about us in here. I would like to stop doing this, but it helps me deal with it. I am at a crossroads.

Moving on would be so much easier and simpler for everyone. But I am worried that I may be making a mistake. I have never really had an intuition like most women, so I don't usually do anything based solely on a hunch. Well, sometimes, I do have gut feeling and I'd follow that. But that is very few and far between.

I am worried that if I decide this, I will only hurt him. Why it is a big deal? Because he has done nothing to hurt me. I just feel that there is something missing in this relationship. I don't feel that he is someone I can fall back on if something happens to me. I know, that is a huge thing to expect of someone whom you get to see only 2 to 3 times a year. But you know, I want him to be that person. I just have never given him the chance or reason to be that person because I am used to taking care of myself that asking for anything from him would feel demeaning of my capabilities. And having said that, it is unfair to deem that he will not be there in my times of need.

He's been hurt before. I don't want to be just another face in his bitter memories. Because he's been nothing but nice and gentlemanly to me. There a few tiffs, but none had been him trying to hurt me intentionally. I assumed a lot of things and blamed him for it. Which is typical of me. I do that a lot, because when I assume the worse, the situation will always prove me wrong. At the expense of me seeming to be an ass, I'd do it again, any day because the end product is the thing that matters to me.

And what is the other thing that I am worried about? As silly as it may sound, I worry that if this does not work out, I will not like the new feelings I will have in the next relationship that I will be having, because despite the distance and the scarcity of communication, he does conjure up feelings inside me that I have grown to like. And most important of all, as much as I hate to admit it, he makes me think; a lot; before I say or do something. But I still make mistakes anyway. I never learn. *sigh*...

Anyway, I did say it stopped hurting once I stopped caring, right? Well, it's still true. But if I don't care, why does this relationship bother me so much? Maybe it doesn't, because I'll catch myself halfway through the thought, re-evaluate it and realize that there is nothing much I can do about it, other than just behave myself appropriately, and let nature take its course. I am not in a rush. Honestly, if he decide to ask me to marry him, even in the next two years, I don't think I'll be ready. I am such a mess.

If I decide to break up with him, I'll be single again, and probably stay that way for the rest of my life. I don't have trust for men. They are not all the cheating, conniving assholes, but what are the odds of me finding and keeping the good ones with me being the way I am? I am not talking about my physical self. Although the initial attraction will be based on the way a woman looks physically, I know for a fact that men stay for the feelings a woman create within him. I was saying, with me being the way I am, what kinds of feelings will I conjure inside my man that will persuade him to stay with me till the end of our lives? I am nitroglycerin. Who would opt to live with that?

Yes, I am a big advocate of the importance of being true to yourself. But honestly, if you are the type who hates to shower for days on end, and who picks your nose even at the dinner table and have very bad taste in fashion, would you not change yourself a little bit to accommodate the one you love? You will definitely shower more, because it is truly very good for you, and stop picking your nose at the dinner table, because it is extremely disgusting, especially when a grown woman does it, and yes, you do want to make him proud to have you on his arm when both of you go out in public.

Honestly, I do shower at least twice a day and three times when I need to, and I do not pick my nose outside of the shower. And I can't even fart until there is no one around. Thanks to my mom, I think I got that from her. Haha...

Pressure... from my mom? Sometimes I do feel like a pressure cooker waiting to burst. But I have to understand, that she wants the best for me. Maybe she has a not so delicate way of handling my feelings concerning the matter, but that's the way she is, and I should have known her well by now. I should at least explain to her nicely, right? Next time. When she is calmer.

So why am I still with him, with all this whining and complaining? Because he's a good man and I am still trying to figure out myself and how I should conduct myself in this one tricky thing called relationship. The distance and scarcity of communication does help in ways I can never imagine. I'm not worried of being alone. I am alone as it is. I enjoy my aloneness because I am not the type who actually goes to tears because I feel lonely. Odd, but I never feel lonely. And unlike some women, I don't need to feel the lovey dovey things most couples in love would need to feel in order to feel the love. I feel the love. That's why I am still with him.

While I do have a hard time trying to scrape off the crappy things I may not like in his past, I just have to think that I may just be paranoid. Besides, it's his future that I want to share with him. Not his past.

Right now, I wish we'd spend more time together, so that I will be able to love him unconditionally. You know, the kind where we'll have differences and keep those differences, but at the same time, won't let it bother the relationship? The way I love my mom to bits even if I don't have the close relationship some other mothers and daughters share and we keep getting into arguments no matter how old I get and how petty the issue may be. I want to have that with the man in my life. But I guess that will have to come with time.

So, if we make it or not, God has plans for us. That is the one thing I never doubt.

this made him yawn

2009-03-18T07:22:00.005+08:00

Ponton :
I have decided that love and family must not come second.
if I may, inspector... look what a thinking as has done for you?

Clouseau :
Look, I am very happy living here alone with my various shampoos

Ponton:
I see inspector, I still think you are the best detective in the world. Yet, when it comes to love, you never see what is staring at you right in the face.
Take Nicole for example; do you know the color of her eyes? Her pets' name, her favorite song? You can recite the entire section of every statute in French Criminal Law, but you don't know the first thing about the woman who loves you.

Clouseau :
(After a few moments of thought...)
Her eyes are brown. She loves the smell of vanilla. She is allergic to shellfish. She has a small scar on her finger which I gave her. She loves her cats, Mindy and Wendy and Cindy, Dolores, Frank, Maxine, Caligula and Louise.
(Walks towards the balcony)
And she does not think she is pretty, and I can never tell her she is pretty. Otherwise...

Ponton :
Otherwise what? (Looking at Closseau with an expectant look in his eyes)

Clouseau :
If she knew how pretty she is, she might choose someone other than me...
(Turns around towards Ponton with a sad look on his face)
Ponton, I need a ugg...

And he f*cking yawned. Why would he do that if it didn't bother him? Right?

ping panter too

2009-03-18T01:05:00.004+08:00

Before I forget, we saw Pink Panther 2. You know that is not my choice of movie. Come on, you know me better than that!

Well, I said to him that we'll see if there is nothing else better to see then we'll see his choice of movie. Sure enough, there was nothing else I would rather see. So we saw this movie anyway.

I can't believe all the big names in this second one, Alfred Molina, Ashwarya Rai, John Cleese, Andy Garcia, Lily Tomlin and Jeremy Irons! It must have been a career choice people wll make where they will later claim that it was just for fun, sort of a break from the Oscar rat race, if the movie bombed.

Anyway, if you see that movie, right when Ponton finished the Jojoba jig with Clouseau, he told Clouseau that he is going back to his wife and family, and asked him whether he is aware of started asking Clouseau about his priorities in life...

And Clouseau went on a long monologue that describes the little things that he notices about Nicole, his real love interest in the movie. That he didn't really miss those little things at all, him being a great detective and all, eventhough he is a bumbling arse most of the time.

And he yawned. He faked a yawn!

The guy who was sitting next to me, he yawned. A fake one. Had that scene hit a sore spot?

Because Ponton and Clouseau had described a little bit of our relationship, basically when they talked about Nicole.

Thanks so much, Ponton... I lub you.

entry tah hapa-hapa

2009-03-17T22:09:00.002+08:00

What happened to me?

Wat happened to me that I hate men so much, I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with one? I don't see myself being able to trust any of them?

None of the men in my family had given me any bad notion of what men should be. Maybe it is my fault that I had exposed myself to all these bad men.

My dad was a good father and husband, my eldest brother is not doing too bad a job, and my other brother... well, he was never in the equation anyway. But at least he did not cheat on his wife and it was because some other stupid thing on his part.

I have been very unlucky in love so far. I guess that is just karma, because I have not been the most decent human being. Positive thinking people would tsk tsk me and tell me that there is no reason for me to just resign myself to this fate and I should snap out of it and start thinking positive from now on because positive thinking will bring me good things in life.

Well, they may be right. But at the same time, I also believe in karma. I wish I am a good person. But I am not. There is a lot of room for improvement. So much room that sometimes I just wish I can turn back time and start over. All the way back from when I was 4. Because that was where I was at my happiest. Most of the things after that, had been crappy.

What could have been so bad that I wish to go back to when I was 4? Everything.

I thought I would grow up to be a graceful swan-like ladylike type of person. I didn't.
I thought I would grow up into a lot of things. But most of them, I didn't grow up into. Don't get me wrong, I love the way I am now. The things I have been through had been somewhat fucked up, build character, so here I am. But sometimes I can't help but feel that I could have done better with myself. Yeah, shameful as it is, sometimes I do feel like I have disappointed myself. And disappointed my family in the process. They never said anything. But I wish I could have been more to them than I am today.

Regrets. Yeah, I have a lot of those.

A lot.

Anyway, does anyone know of anyone who can do a past life regression? It sounds like a very interesting thing. I would really like to know if I was someone else in a past life. Hahahaha... a Muslim believing in reincarnation. Gosh, if you had watched Oprah the other day, you would have thought the same thing; sometimes I feel like I was someone else in a past life. Is it wrong of me to think that? Sebab in Islam, there is no reincarnation. No past lives. So why do I feel this way sometimes?

And I feel like everything is unsettled and never will be settled because of something that I can't put my finger on.

You know what I wanna be able to do, if ever I get to meet anyone who can do this past life regression....? To find out who I was in my past life and then figure out why I feel like I am not supposed to be the person that I am today.

Maybe I should make this blog private. I am getting weirder and weirder by the day.

Anyway, what do you think?

me, my beau and siboo

2009-03-16T23:37:00.001+08:00

Him : Buat apa over the weekend?

Me : Takde apa.

Him : Fly to Miri.

Me : (Dalam hati : Mak ai, mengarah nampak...) Kalau ada tiket.

Him : Take the earliest flight on Saturday.

Me : OK

I called the travel agency as soon as we hung up. The earliest flight out to Miri was at 3.45pm. WTF? I just took that and a 4.50pm return flight on Monday. I called him back.

Me : 3.45 je yang paling awal.

Him : What? Takde dah yang lain?

Me : Takde…

Him : Can’t you drive?

Me : Tak pandai jalan kat sana, tak pernah drive, pergi untuk kerja je, never for leisure, take

taxi most of the time, bla bla bla…

Him : Macam-macam alasanla… kalau dah tak nak datang tu, ada je la…

Me : (Dalam hati) ... amboi amboi mengada juga dia ni...

Me : OK, OK, I try call lagi, I will see what I can do.

Called the travel agency sekali lagi. I took the 5.50pm flight on Friday instead.

Me : 5.50pm Friday.

Him : OK.

Me : What time you get in Miri?

Him : Before 9pm.

Me : OK. I’ll wait for you at the airport.

I wondered apa nak dibuat di Miri, 3 hari 3 malam? I don't think Miri is a happening town. Maybe I tak pandai nak cari the nightspots kut? But honestly, I have been there only a few times over the ten-year period most of the time just on transit on the way to Kuching, or attending meetings that lasts only a few hours. I always hop on the earliest flight back home. I don't know anyone there, and even if I do, I am not the type who would call people up just so they can take me places. That feels so much like taking advantage of them. Or am I just weird?

Anyway, I don't know my way around Miri. It is not my kind of town. Ask me about KK, I might just be able to tell you about anything. Heh...

Apa nak buat di sana, 3D3N? I dunno, but he's probably got plans in his head, he always does. Besides, he's lived there for a few years, he probably knows that city like the back of his hands.

I boarded the plane and landed in Miri at almost 7pm, Friday evening. When I turned on the phone, there was already a missed call from him. Moments later, as I sat there waiting for him with another girl who also flew in with me from Lawas to see his boyfriend, he called again. I had anticipated on waiting for another couple of hours or so before he arrives, but on the phone that time, he said he was going to be there in half an hour, after he's dropped off his staff at their hotel. My, he's early. I decided to go to the bathroom to freshen up. When I came back to where I had left my things I can't help but smile at myself to realize that I was indeed still nervous. Just the thought of seeing him again just took away all the cool that I had been mustering all these weeks. Just when I started realizing that it hurts much less once I have stopped caring, something inside me still makes me nervous at the very thought of seeing him again. I hope that is not desperation or weakness. I hope that is just me being out of practice. Him being only the second man who has truly taken a place in my heart in my 33 years of life. I've never been the cool type anyway. Always fire and quick-temper, being cool and collected is not and probably never will be one of my forte.

I sat there with our luggage as the other girl took her turn to go to the bathroom. I hate getting nervous because I will get sweaty. I hate getting sweaty because then he will know I was nervous. I hate people knowing that I am nervous, but they always do.

He called again. I'll be there very soon, wait for me outside. I bade goodbye to the girl, who is also a teacher from my town, and rolled my small but heavy bag behind me as I walked outside to wait for him.

Moments later we were in his car, saying our hi's and how are you's and were on our way to the hotel. We checked in, went out again for dinner and then went to the supermarket next door for some stuff. He has a fascination of supermarkets. Perhaps that is because he grew up without these things around him? I don't know.

The next morning, he asked me where I would like to go. How about Mulu Caves, I said. We'll need boots and lamps and other things. Fine, what would you suggest then? He suggested that we drive all the way down to Bintulu then to Sibu and then I can fly back from there. Sounds like a good idea to me, because rather than spend a really quiet afternoon just doing nothing, I'd really rather be in a long road trip where he has nowhere to go but stick in there and talk to me whether he likes it or not.

We did just that. Drove all the way down to Sibu. That took us 5 hours to get there, stopping here and there, just to stretch our legs.

At one of these stop overs, I think it was the first one, which was at Batu Niah, we stopped at the bus stop over. There was a nice clean place where people sell fruits and other produce. He went and bought some durians. Three big ones with really thick and sweet pulp but very small shrivelled up seeds. It was lovely. Not because he was around to enjoy it with me, but because it really was. We had them opened and we had them then and there. But then a chinese couple from one of the buses walked along the stall where we stood eating the durians, and he made the mistake of inviting them to have some some. It was a good thing that he had urged me to eat as fast as I could because once they came along, another bunch of people came with them and gobbled everything up! What were they thinking???

They even drank and washed their hands from his mineral water bottle. Gila ke apa? And after they were done, they looked at us sheepishly and said, trima kasih ah, abang, kakak? And quietly dissipate. Sorry to sound so crass, but they ate everything up, and even rembat most of the durian tembaga that I loved so much, but only had the time to have only two.

Back in the car, we couldn't stop joking about the whole incident. He said he will have to think about it plenty of times the next time he is gonna invite anyone to join them for durian treats. Sampai lah Sibu pun, the joke still come up from time to time. Because tak boleh lupa punya incident tu.

We had lunch in Bintulu and went to the airport to get me a new Sibu - Miri ticket and change my Miri - Lawas ticket. There was nothing much to see or do in Bintulu, so we just went on to Sibu.

Sampai di Sibu, we checked in at RH Hotel, which was right next to Wisma S@ny@n, which according to him is the tallest building in the whole of Sarawak. Well, I guess people in Borneo does not aspire to build high.

Looking outside the window, in my room and also in the corridors, there was nothing much to see all the way to the horizon. He said it is due to the fact that Sibu started out as a swamp and there is not much land suitable enough to build high buildings. Most of them are just 5 - 7 stories high. The city was widespread and has almost the same population as Miri, but due to the differences in income, it has not been declared a city yet. Miri has the advantage of being close to Brunei which makes it a shopping haven for these people. Over the years, that had granted Miri it's status as a city.

Buat apa di Sibu 2D2N? Makan-makan and gaduh sambil merajuk. Let me spare you from the gaduh and merajuk bit. It was silly, really. But at least he shut up after kena jelingan maut yang dah makin jarang aku gunakan. Tak sangka, masih berkesan. I had never used it on him before, nor do I plan to use it on him again in the future. InsyaAllah.

We didn't go anywhere special, just hung around the town and ate here and there. He had planned to take me to see Sarikei, but he got sick and that didn't sound appealing once he started not feeling too well. It was fine, because I don't mind being in Sibu because it seemed to be a more interesting town. There is the big mall in the wisma next door for shopping and things. And the hotel room was not bad for a government staff discount of RM138 a night, I think it is a steal. It was new and furnished in contemporary style. Very comfortable and I would not have had any qualms about spending the whole 2 days just sleeping in my room. The bed covers are so fluffy and warm. Suker....

Oh, while we were in Sibu, asyik pergi supermarkets aje. Sana, sini, semua supermarket that he knows he will take me. And I would just go and just walk around, not knowing what to get. Temankan ajelah. Where is the harm in that?

I feel sorry for him for becoming sick again towards the end of the trip. He put on a brave face not to make me worry. It was milder than what he got on our last trip to KK. Or not wanting to spoil everything by getting sick again.I don't feel that it is a ruinous thing if he had been sick. I have had sickness in my life since I can remember.

On Monday morning, I woke up early, took a shower, prayed and packed all my stuff. Then we both checked out. He took me to have some breakfast and then straight to the airport. All the way there, he played nothing but Elvis' Pledging My Love. He didn't say it was for me. Assuming it was would be callous.

I have been in this relationship long enough to know better. Nevertheless, I liked it. It was simple and straightforward. But too deep. I doubt that he has that deep a feeling for me. I don't need to comfort myself with the knowledge that he does. Remember, it stopped hurting once I stopped caring?

We were early, so we spent the last hour at the cafeteria, over coffee and pulut panggang.
He had another 4-hour long drive to get back to Kuching.

Back in Lawas, I got busy with the KW@PM thing I was planning to finish. When everything necessary had been carried out, I drove to Limbang to drop it off at the PPD.

In the days that followed, we only had another 4 days of school. It went like a breeze. And now we are in out first mid-term break. Everyone went balik kampong. I stayed back here. One week is too short for me to indulge in the company of family and my three nephews and niece. I don't want to have withdrawal syndrome for just one measly week of that. So I never go back home in March, prefering to wait till end of May.

I spent Saturday sleeping in and being lazy. Sunday, I went grocery shopping, washed everything and tidied up. I went to school this morning and found that the school was in water, 2 feet deep. I left the car at the gate and waded my way to the office.

That was that.

I saw J on YM. He came online. He doesn't see. I kept him on my list so that I can make sure that he will never see me online ever again. From the looks of things, he has finally had the strength to let me go. With the help of that nasty email I sent him last October. It was nasty. He needed the kick in the butt. He does not have any business looking for me again after the four years and ruin things. My life was great. I wanted it to stay J-free. But he thought it would be nice to pick up where we left. And I was too weak to think straight. History will not repeat itself.

Never again.

at least my ears are still young

2009-03-01T21:21:00.000+08:00

Created by Train Horns

kerana dirimu bergitu berharga

2009-02-24T21:45:00.004+08:00

Kat U dulu aku berlakon teater as part of the coursework. The whole batch did, of course, berlakon dan di sebalik tabir apa bagai. I played Sir Toby in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. I was going for the Jester's part, but I am glad I landed Sir Toby's part instead, because the jester in that play was no idiot. He was one, smart dude, with wonderful words of solemn wisdom. It was a tough part to play, man! And I don't envy Raha for getting that part. I think, I was great. When we watched a VCR tape produce by BBC of the same play, I realized we all got the costume, the hair, the energy, to perfection.

Oh, I also played a rapist who hanged himself in the end. I was good. I was so good, I impressed my friend's dad, who is a film director and he offered me a part in his tv drama.which I turned down, sebab budak gemok like me takkan jadi star in a local tv drama kan? Woh... demand!

No lah, kerja cikgu mana bleh buat kerja lain on the side, masa tu.

Menyesal taw?

The only thing aku tak suka about berlakon teater ni, kalau tak wat homework la kan, orang kata, nampak sangat la awak tu tak berapa bijak sangat. Her her her...

Sebagai contoh, satu-satunya kesilapan dalam dialog yangaku buat ialah, I mistook valour the fabric for valor the courage. And I mispronounced it during the actual play. And it was on tape. There forever for posterity.

So, mengambil contoh dari kesilapan saya inniew... untuk cik adik-cik adik cantey maneys yang bakal jadi model produk Lore@l kat tv tu, please lah, do your homework, senaklah, dengar korang keep saying the slogan wrongly.

Because You're Worth It...

Sebutan 'worth' yang betul is seperti berikut;

Gunakan bunyi 'th' nipis seperti dalam sebutan perkataan 'think' or 'thank' dan bukan yang tebal seperti dalam perkataan 'the' atau 'then'.

Gheti?

Sila buat semakan lanjut di laman sesawang ini

Harap cantik je, tapi benda mengong cam tu pun tak tau, tak anggun la, dey!

Dahlah kena tuduh racist lagi tu...

Baca artikel ini

Baik aku tido kan? Merepek je...

It's my party and I'd cry if I want to,
Cry if I want to,
CRY if I want to...

You would cry too,
If it happened to you....

bow dough

2009-02-24T20:19:00.003+08:00

Pernah tak, masa kecik dulu, bila kita dapat baki duit kita dari pekedai, kita ucapkan 'thank you' instead of 'terima kasih' terus kena ejek balik oleh pekedai tu?

Bukan nak puji the merits yang kita beradab, masih ucap terima kasih dan pada masa yang sama, sudah mula berusaha mempraktikkan bahasa kedua yang dipelajari dengan yakin walaupun masih begitu muda. Kutuk lagi... every time!

Now that I am older, how I wish ke government had made it compulsory to learn a third or fourth language, preferably local, sort of like the syllabus used by international schools. Wouldn't it have been wonderful if everyone can read, write and speak everybody else's language as well as a native speaker? How it would have been for me today, if I had been made to learn all these wonderfully diverse languages?

An excerpt from her comment;

"Aku cuma sedih sebab bahasa tu tak salah apa pun...pemikiran mereka je yang salah mengintepretasi. Kita nak bahasa dia, masalahnya kita adopt and adapt sekali budaya mereka yang salah tu dan menghukum pada bahasanya. Bahasa tiada kena mengena dengan jati diri...it is within oneself. Bahasa melambangkan bangsa tapi mempelajari bahasa lain bukan bererti kita juga bertukar menjadi bangsa lain. Kalau tengok budak yang rosak akhlak tu, bukan semua pandai English pun...takde kena mengena!"

My thoughts exactly, no one else could have said it better.

While we are at it, think of all the technologies that originated from the so-called negara penjajah, which includes the political blueprint and education system and all the technological breakthroughs and advances. Now, imagine having to give up everything.

Kita kan Melayu? Melayu jati mana boleh guna teknologi barat? Jangan belajar bahasa mereka tu. Jahat. Penjajah! Budaya tak elok. Simpang malaikat 44!

I don't claim to know everything, but this has got me to thinking, kalau orang-orang bodoh ni berpendapat dengan mempelajari bahasa tersebut menjadikan kita manusia tak bermaruah, do you think that it is also fair to assume that the thousands of English teachers who are teaching the language within our education system in all levels of education, consists of people with loose morals?

Can anyone explain to me in minute details whether these epidemics; Mat Rempit Junior / Mat Rempit / Bohsia / Bohjan / buang anak kat tong sampah is in anyway associated to the colorful culture of the Westerns that we know today?

Hakikatnya, masih ramai lagi orang Melayu yang miskin, menyalah ertikan sunnah Rasul dalam hal harta duniawi dan akhirat ni, so kena keep on scraping a life each day sampai ada yang abaikan the importance of love and attention kepada anak-anak kecil yang sedang membesar dalam jagaan mereka. While I am not saying semua Malay parents are like that, I can't deny the fact yang bilangannya yang buat macam tu agak ramai, kerana from what I see today, it is obvious to me that the number yang mengabaikan anak-anak dalam ertikata perhatian dan didikan (tak payah cakap hal agamalah; just assume I am talking about didikan dalam hal kasih sayang, perhatian ibu bapa dan nilai-nilai murni) is quite a huge one berdasarkan bilangan remaja Melayu yang rosak akhlak.

Sebagai contoh paling mudah, bukan berniat mengutuk mereka yang tinggal di flat, tak semua yang macam ni, tapi ini apa yang saya sendiri perhatikan.

A flat is like a huge bee hive where everyone assumes that everyone is taking care of the young. Tapi hakikatnya, iya ke, macam tu?

Balik kerja, tentulah letih, kepala pun selerak, seselerak rumah yang sempit tu. So, lebih tenang kalau anak-anak tukang semak rumah tu keluar berkawan sementara kita berkemas dan later on boleh rehat tanpa jeritan hiruk-pikuk anak-anak.

Bila ditanya, mana Nurul (a 10 year old girl) ni, dah kul 10 tak balik umah ni?
Ada tu, kat umah kawan dia mana-mana.

Dalam hati aku, confidentnya mak dia. Biar betul.

Baru 10 dah takde curfew, ingat kalau dia dah 15, 16, 17 time remaja dah mula miang, gatal etc and a phase where they start to experiment on everything, rasanya nak ke lagi dengar cakap mak bapak pasal curfew ni?

Learn the language, adopt the technology and know how for the good of our country. Itu saja. Sebagai ibu bapa, didik anak pasal akhlak la. Nilai-nilai murni. Bukan semua ilmu tu dipalajari di sekolah or melalui leteran. Most of the time, nilai-nilai murni is better taught through example, bila anak-anak observe, their sponge-like nature will readily absorb everything; good or bad. Tapi masalahnya kalau banyak bad dari goodnya, macamana budak-budak kecik ni nak grow up into level-headed adults? The parents pun mereng...

Back to the issue at hand, selepas pelaburan berjumpah jutaan ringgit untuk make sure that wawasan yang satu ni will take off from the drawing board, why sacrifice the possibilities in the advancement of the nation just so one selfish bastard (or a group of of his cronies as well) can feel good about himself for abolishing something as valuable? Kenapa orang yang sepatutnya memperjuangkan dan menegakkan wawasan ni nak back down? Tak nak make a stand? No passion for it? Hello, all these teachers dah pergi training apa bagai, how about OUR passion?

Granted it is taking more time than planned tapi bukankah semua perubahan tu mengambil masa? Regardless whether it is a good or a bad change, it takes time. Just make a stand. Especially in this case, the intended impact will take an especially long time to materialize, especially dengan semua pembangkang idea ni terus buat serangan bertubi-tubi.

Please, stay your ground, masa depan negara kita dan anak-anak kita depends on it.

So here we are, bakal mengorbankan PPSMI over kepincangan ibu bapa dalam melaksanakan their fundamental responsibilities?

The audacity of our people... not shocking at all, tapi amat menyedihkan.

Anda sangka orang Melayu saja yang ada masalah kalau tak pandai bahasa ini? Di sini saya ada satu cerita untuk dikongsi bersama.

Pada suatu hari, ketika saya menghabiskan waktu cuti sekolah pada hujung tahun lepas, saya telah membawa kereta adik saya ke sebuah bengkel membaiki kereta untuk memperbaiki sistem penghawa dingin kenderaan milik adik saya itu. Dalam memerhatikan salah seorang mekaniknya bekerja, saya telah memulakan perbualan dengannya.

Me : Ah Chai, dari mana belajar skill baiki kereta ni?
Him : Dari Birmingham (atau mana-mana bandar di UK)
Me : Jauhnya awak belajar baiki kereta. Betul ke ni?
Him : Betullah, kak...
Me : Ada institusi khas ke, kalau nak belajar baiki kereta kat sana?
Him : Tidaklah, saya pergi sana mau study di universiti sebenarnya.
Me : Oh... eh... habis belajar ke tidak?
Him : Tak habis.
Me : Eh, lu apasal tak habis belajar? Ruginya! Siapa biaya awak pergi belajar tu?
Him : Parents saya.
Me : Chai, kenapa tak habis belajar?
Him : Macamana saya mau habis belajar, kak? Cakap Melayu pun saya tak
pandai, inikan pulak suruh belajar di UK tu, terang-terang saya tak pandai
English.
Me : Oh... Is that why you dropped out of school and kerja di bengkel?
Him : Yeah la..
Me : Di sana lagi best pendapatannya kan?
Him : Ye, tapi mak bapak saya suruh balik, saya baliklah.
Me : Good boy lah you, Ah Chai...

Seriously, dari cerita dia sendiri aku tau dia pun kecewa juga. Tapi begitulah harapan ibu bapa terhadap anak-anak. Sanggup menghabiskan wang beribu untuk memastikan anak-anak dapat ilmu dari sebuah university asing. Tapi anak tu sendiri mengakui, kerana kelemahan dalam bahasa tersebut, dia terpaksa melupakan impiannya.

Oleh yang demikian, para ibu bapa harus sedar, tak kira sebagus mana pun institusi tersebut, anak anda harus menguasai bahasa mereka agar dia tidak ketinggalan dan jadi korban akan kelemahan diri sendiri.

Kita sendiri tahu, universiti tempatan tak mampu menampung semua bijak pandai lulusan SPM kita. Kita memang secara terangan memberi lebih peluang kepada bumiputera, memaksa kebanyakan yang selebihnya mencuba nasib di luar negara. Bukan tanggungjawab negarakah, untuk sekurang-kurangnya memastikan anak-anak ini menguasai bahasa penjajah itu supaya mereka yang tidak kita bantu ni juga ada peluang untuk 'survive' di sana?

Just because penggerak Bahasa Ibunda kita tak mampu membuat Bahasa Melayu sebagai bahasa yang dicintai oleh semua bangsa di tanahair kita, janganlah kita dibutakan kepada kepentingan Bahasa Inggeris sebagai bahasa kedua.

Aku Melayu, aku bangga jadi Melayu. Baik buruk bangsa aku, bangsa lain pun ada juga kekurangannya. Cuma aku kecewa PhD syndrome masih belum dapat dikikis dari genetic blueprint orang kita.

Tidak hilang Melayu di dunia, kaedahnya... Kalau terus macam ni, korang rasa berapa lama lagilah kita akan dapat bertahan sebagai bangsa berdaulat?

traffic

2009-02-23T00:41:00.002+08:00

It's funny, how my twins entry is still making most of the traffic on my blog.

They are really good-looking men. I really like looking at them, and since they are older than I am, I admit, I do swoon at their photo from time to time.

jana

2009-02-22T23:41:00.003+08:00

Dah terlanjur aku ada mood updating my blog, di sini ada entry khas untuk kawanku seorang ittiew. I have saved the best for last.

Dia tanya, apa pendapat aku mengenai PPSM@I.

Siapalah aku, sekadarnya aku mengajar BI kat sekolah di pedalaman Sarawak. Cikgu pening-pening lalat pulak tu, berdasarkan entry-entry pelik kat blog inniew.

Walaubagaimanapun, if it matters to her, I am more than honored to blog about it.

From the very beginning, I think PPSMI is the best thing that can happen to the kids who are studying in this country. I do not claim to know exactly why the government decided to take this route in education, but the way I see things, Malaysia adalah sebuah negara yang kecil dan walaupun ianya adalah antara negara membangun yang mempunyai perkembangan ekonomi yang membanggakan, ianya tak akan mampu membekalkan pekerjaan untuk semua bakal-bakal pakar bidang Sains and Kejuruteraan atau apa sajalah, yang bakal kita lahirkan dalam masa sepuluh, dua puluh, tiga puluh tahun akan datang, oleh yang demikian, sememangnya mereka perlu melihat negara luar sebagai tempat mendapatkan pekerjaan.

Oleh yang demikian, I think it had been a very prudent decision made by the then PM Tun M to take this route. English, as we all know is a globally accepted language and for those of us who have the ability to master the language will not only be able to get through university very easily considering the fact that most of the reference books at the library and the internet resources are written in English, malahan mampu membawa diri ke negara asing untuk mendapatkan pekerjaan. Of course, the government could have chosen to invest in translating everything, but why waste time and resources when the better thing to do is to actually learn the language instead? Having English as a second or a third language will indeed take you further and give our students and bakal graduate the cutting edge to enable them to bersaing with graduates from the rest of the world.

When they do leave the country to work in these foreign countries, they will send money home, this simple act will menjana ekonomi negara kita juga.

I think the government telah pun mengambil langkah bijak dalam memastikan ekonomi negara kita kekal pada tahap kukuh hanya dengan memperkenalkan PPSMI.

Lagipun, obviously it motivates most kids to work harder in mastering this language, we can see the results in the improvements dalam UPSR dan PMR. Apa lagi yang nak dipersoalkan?

I am not aware of any other reason sebab I don't read the papers and I don't keep up with the news.

Masalahnya untuk tempat macam aku ni is they all sangat bangga kalau pandai membaca by the time they get to Primary Six! Sedangkan kalau di bandar pastinya itu suatu perkara yang melucukan. So tak hairanlah kalau masih ditemui dua tiga orang murid tingkatan 1 yang masuk sekolah aku ni yang masih buta huruf. Tak ramai, dalam setahun adalah dalam 6 orang dan mereka diberikan pendidikan khas dalam bulan-bulan awal tahun semasa bagi memastikan mereka dapat pick up kemahiran asas ni supaya tak ketinggalan dalam pembelajaran.

Jangan tanya aku how could that have happened. Aku tak ajar primary school. Tapi tak payah hairanlah kalau ada mak bapak amalkan sikap bawa parang ke sekolah bila dapat tahu cikgu scold anak dia di sekolah. Kalau you were in their place, apa caranya lagi nak memotivasikan anak orang berharta tak seberapa yang ada sikit sindrom bodoh sombong?

Bukan semua parents macam tu. Ada dua tiga kerat je. Tapi ngeri jugalah kan?

Is this the kind of entry you wanted? I am not very sure, you weren't very specific that day you asked me on text.

p/s :Bagi engkorang yang masih dungu memanggil bahasa tu bahasa penjajah, teruslah duk bawah tempurung korang tu. Jangan keluar, buat malu kaum je.

abaikan

2009-02-22T23:34:00.003+08:00

Ye, kadang-kadang ada datang time aku tak center sikit, mula la merapu kat blog.

It's my blog and I'll rant if I want to, rant if I want to, raaaaant if I want to.
You would blog too, if it happened to you.....

Try saying that like singing that song that goes like this;

It's my party and I'd cry if I want to, cry if I want to...
You would cry too, if it happened to you...

Silalah, abaikan entry yang tak perlu tu.

lip filler

2009-02-22T22:58:00.004+08:00

I finally gave up. My vanity finally had the better of me. I know I am getting older and I am losing volume in my lips, so I went and had some lip filler injected into my upper lip. Does it look sexy and ridiculously delicious?

*blink* ... *blink* *blink*.

I had an allergic reaction to something. And my top lip ballooned on one side like nobody's business. That was what happened last Friday evening. It didn't itch, it didn't feel all too weird other than the fact it felt like a tiny balloon and a little tight. It looked weird. Here is another photo of it in a much proper fashion.

What? Not too bad, you say? How about a photo from a different angle then?

Do you see my point? It looks like it is filled with puss and just waiting to burst!

Since the bottom lip had been chapped due to the fact that I love licking my lips and I had not been drinking enough water and used the wrong kind of lipstick that day, (I have sensitive lips that feathers and bleeds rather easily if I use the wrong kinds of lisptick, but I have not had the budget or the time to shop for the right kinds of late so I keep putting them on on certain days anyway). So I slapped on some V@seline on the bottom lip and a tiny bit on the inner part of the top lip (slathering it on all over the top lip will leave me with tiny rash-like bumps for days). That soothed the chapping and sloughed off the dead cells. I wiped that off and slathered on some more v@seline. The lip was still swollen and I didn't know why, and I still don't know why today.

I looked at it in the mirror and I thought this must be how my lips would look like in a botched lip-filling procedure. Why not take some photos? And that I did. Of course I had some photos that looks deliciously dirty for myself but here are just the three yang senonohnya for me to share with you how disgusting it had been last Friday.

The swelling subsided the next morning though, leaving a tiny patch of stretched skin in the tender part of the inner lip. But that didn't bother me at all. I wonder what it was that had caused it. It scared me when it happened.

TGIF, I thought that day, because had that happened on Thursday, I wondered if I would have had the guts to face the people at work with that lip.

Had I had the lip filler, and senget pulak tu, kan ke malapetaka namanya?

sorry

2009-02-22T21:53:00.006+08:00

What is it about women and age?

What is it about women who lie about their age? Don't they know that if they are 45, but tell people they are 30-something, they would only seem to be like a very old 30-something? A very badly aging woman?

No matter how good you look for your age, you are meant to look your age. Although your behaviour and general outlook in life does help in making you look younger, there are subtle changes in a woman's features that will differentiate her from the other women in the different decades of their lives.

My mom is 63, but when she dresses up and makes herself up, she looks 50 or even younger. She never lies about her age. As a matter of fact, she would always be delighted to make people guess how old she is, usually younger than she really is, before finally revealing it to them to see the reaction on their faces. I am actually proud that my mom really does look good for her age. Well, she never had any HRT and she does not go to spas. She just doesn't look her age.

As for me, I know for a fact that I don't act my age. Even though I do admit that the energy level is not the way it used to be, not for a very long time, but it had not been at the worst. I don't dress like a punked up grubby little punkster, but outside of work, I keep it simple for the most part, usually T and jeans. I have had my fair share of people mistaking me for someone younger. I guess being a happy, carefree, immature woman has its merits. Huahahaha!

The truth is, age had never been a big deal for me, whether it is other people's or mine. I don't see getting old as a bad thing. In fact, I can't wait to be 4o and see how I will be at that age. I honestly do. My teens and twenties were OK but not up to my expectations. My thirties, I hope will be better.

I even like men who are older. Can you see how being old or older does not mean anything negative to me? The way I see it, people hate getting old, because of the youth-worshipping media, biological clocks and simply because they will shrivel up, lose a lot of control over their physical self and eventually die at the end of it. Sure, no one can see the bright side of that other than making room for the next generation, but hey, if you have done the best you can while you were alive and made all the contributions you can within your time limits, what is there to complain about? Leave with your dignity still intact. Isn't that how it is supposed to be anyway?

But the fact is, we have to be patient. We all have to be patient when it comes to age and ageing. Including me.

However, it is extremely insensitive of me to not realize that not everyone can share my sentiments on this issue.

Here's the thing, I like saying "Yelah, sejak dah tua ni... bla bla bla...". I joke about my age. I joke about the perils of growing older and shriveling up into an unappetizing prune of my former self (Even though I am totally aware how gebiew I am no matter how people associate getting old with wrinkling up. Being a fatty does have its merits, see?) because I truly don't mind growing old and don't mind people saying I am old.

So there I was, last Friday, joking with an older colleague of mine whom I totally respect, about her being older, simply by saying "Orang tua ni...." in front of some strangers. If I were her, I would have just said "Budak gemuk ni..." right back at me. But she is not as quick-tongued as I am, and she is the prim and proper and private type. She keeps most things to herself, unlike me whose life is an open book. She just laughed it off. Later in the afternoon, I got a text message from her telling me how hurt she was from my remark.

There. I have hurt someone's feelings again. Just because I was comfortable with her, that was no excuse to embarrass her in front of some strangers. That was so insensitive of me. I have apologized. I know how it feels like, even when you know that the other person is just joking. I do have a sensitive part. So I totally understand how hurt she was when I said that, especially in front of strangers. Even if you'd like to think those people don't really care about what they heard, because they probably thought we were a bunch of selamba people who doesn't get beat down easily by these things. Still, she is a colleague whom I have great respect for and whose feelings and opinions I value. I am glad she had the guts to say it to me even via text, rather than say things behind my back because that way, I could correct myself and apologize for my mistakes.

I'm very sorry, kak. Like I said, I can't promise because I have a foot-in-mouth disease. But I promise to try very hard not to do that again.

The moral of the story is, you know the moral of the story.

grey area

2009-02-22T20:31:00.005+08:00

May I have some cheese? To go with the whine, I mean.

The art of making a man do a woman's bidding is a skill I have yet to master. I am just not ruthless when it comes to men. I think that's because I started dating rather late; 29 is late. No one can say otherwise. And at that age, I have skipped all that game playing and therefore have arrived at a place where all I want is someone who is ready to make the same commitment as I do in a long-term, well more like life-long, relationship.

I don't understand men. I don't know how to work them. I don't like playing games. I'm a failure.

If it is not because of what we call social conventions, I would have been happier being single for the rest of my life, find a sperm donor or two and just spend the rest of my life with a couple of kids and a live-in real-life dildo. (I am so laughing my ass off and rolling on the floor as I write this part)

Gosh... I am in no way saying that I am against the Islamic way of married life. Not at all. I do wish that I can find someone with the same goals in mind and actually be able to commit myself to this. But as I have said before, I am such a failure in this game that I think the best thing for me would be what I have described above. However, saying what I have said does not mean that is the way of life I am planning on pursuing.

I asked this ustaz at school the other day; what if a Muslim woman simply gave up on finding a mate after having done her best? His answer was; if she can keep her urges in check, and not cause herself any harm, there is no sin in her choice of being on her own for the rest of her life. That was a good answer. I hope he didn't just say that to make me happy because at least someone agrees with me in that.

I envy these women who can figure out their men or simply, men in general, and know exactly to make them do their bidding. I really do. But I pity the men who end up with the snakes. While I think it is an art, abusing it is a whole different thing.

Humans have evolved. They have advanced themselves so much, over-analyzed everything that nothing is simple anymore. Everything is f*cking complicated with relationships being at the top of the list.

I'm happy to see how some of my school friends have found their life companion and seem to lead happy and uncomplicated lives together. I don't keep up with them, so I'll never know if they did play that game. You know, that complicated dating games you keep seeing in TV shows like Friends and Sex and the City and especially the latest movie, He's Just Not That Into You. Nor am I interested in knowing.

As far as I have gone in my life and realized a lot of things, and overanalyzed most things in life, sometimes, I do wish that I could go back to being an untainted innocent; whose mind never even thought about going beyind the Barbie girl image; be happy and the world will be happy with you. So I tried remembering when did I start being so complicated... I can't. I don't remember seeing everything in a simpler light. Everything started being complicated from such an early age. Of course, I even started thinking about relationships when I was in primary school. I had a mental list of how he should be even from then. I carried that list with me, somewhere at the back of my mind from that time. I never acted on it, simply because the kind of man I had envisioned to be my life-long partner was way older than my school mates and far more successful and calm and mature and ... just everything they are not.

Being a total slob of a tomboy did not help matters at all. Being a late bloomer just made it worse. Being labelled a lesbian at that age just sent me to hell. When I came back, I was less than normal. I blame everything on myself and doomed myself to a life alone. Which I find appealing most of the time, seeing how complicated this whole dating thing is.

So, was it my fault for not playing that game these highly evolved people play when they are dating? Was it my fault, not playing hard to get when it first bloomed? Or is it just him, being old and tired of the game himself that he became comfortable and complacent?

Is it too much of me if I decide that as much as you want to teach me new tricks, you should learn a few new ones from me too? I don't think so. But he seems to think so.

Perhaps it is unfair to say these things here before discussing any of it with him, but we don't talk. Not about work, especially not about us. Hey, I feel like Men@ Suv@ri in that movie with J@son Biggs, where she was in this relationship with her professor (ho was obviously taking advantage of her) just to realize it later on and finally accepting this relationship with the younger guy, because he truly does love her. I feel like that. Except the part where there is a younger guy waiting in the sidelines. I don't have that younger guy waiting in the sidelines.

I once told someone that rather than pining for someone we are so much in love with but does not feel the same about us, we should just ditch that loser and be with the person who is madly in love with us, even if we don't feel 100% about that guy (I mean the mutual attraction he has for you) because in the end, the feelings will come and it will be all much more worth it. I strongly believe in that, but that's for young and cute girls. Not someone my age.

Is there still hope for me? I am hopeful although I can't promise that that came out of my endless and brimming optimism. Why am I hopeful anyway? I don't know. I am just hopeful because I believe that everyone is made for someone and I haven't met mine yet. One day, after all the sh*t in my life is sorted out, I will be ready to settle down, but I'm not ready to settle. I don't think I am asking too much. Just someone old enough and calm enough to handle the fire within.

I am not gonna bother reading this again before I hit the Publish button. Maybe I will come back later to correct the grammar later, but rereading it now, will only make me change my mind. Anyway, I don't mean to whine. I am just writing down what I have in mind about this whole thing.

And why am I going on with this charade of happiness with him instead of just putting out the tiny flame between my thumb and forefinger? I am not sure if it is desperation on my part or pity, because he has been nothing but nice to me, and I don't see why I should break it to him the way I had pictured in my mind a million times. I just don't see why I should do that to him. I don't see him necessarily hurting me on purpose, he's old, busy and tired of it all. Besides, I don't have someone else waiting for me.

It's not something that is easy for me to explain. Don't judge me unless you have ever found yourself in my situation and found it a pleasant experience to just tell someone off when he's been nothing but nice to you.

I used to be an idealist. There is black, there is white, there is no grey. It took me a long while to realize that most of the issues we have to deal with in life lies in the grey. You like something, you stay, you don't, you walk away.

He definitely lies in the grey.

Notice that I am not asking what I should do because I know what it is I should do.

p/s : Please don't look at this entry as me pitying myself. I am trying to be pragmatic about the whole thing, so bear with me, okay?

woman, on top

2009-02-18T21:00:00.006+08:00

Hello blog... and kengkawan and dearest li'l sis...

My hands have healed from the bout of the itchy bumps that made it look like I am some lizard. Now it is still bumpy, the skin has thickened somewhat from the experience, and cracked like some elephant's crazy ass cracked foot pad. And I have no idea what to do about it, because it doesn't just look gross, it feels gross too! I sweat all over my body, but never on the palms of my hands or my feet. So they are pretty well dry and cracked as it is, and now with the bumpy scars, it looks way worse than usual. And using chalk at work is not making it look or feel any better. Maybe I am not drinking enough lately, maybe I need to use the pumice stone on my hands in the shower too instead of just sticking to just pumiceing my feet. I will have a separate pumice stone for the hands lah, if liddat, cuz using the pumice stone of the feet on the hand is gross. Maybe I should be patient and wait for my yearly molting of the skin on the palm of my hands. But God knows when that is gonna happen.

Who cares?

WARNING : Totally gross self-loving blog entry of the century ahead. Vomit-inducing. Only meant for the chronic monologuist owner of the blog. For her own self-motivation purposes. Please refrain yourself from venturing any further.

Now this is the real entry today.

I am broke but I am at the top of the world.

Last week, I got a call from PK HEM SMK L@w@s. Alex asked me if I would consider coming over to their school and give a talk for their Budi Bahasa Budaya Kita programme being organized by the UBK for their year-long programme. I was like... WHAT THE HAY? WHY ME? WADEFAK!!!

Well, of course I didn't say those exact words out loud, but I did freak out on the phone and what I ranted on the phone from the sheer shock of it all was pretty close.

I am gonna be 33 at the end of August and I have never given a talk like the one they are expecting me to give. It was just a prelimenary call to see what if I can do it on that day, so I can always back out if I wanted to.

I have stage fright. A freakin huge stage fright. Give me a theatre script any day, and I will go on a field trip with it. But if you want me to go on stage and be all educational and facts and number and statistics, give me a huge hunking steaming jock strap soup instead!!!

I was planning on chickening out later and ease it out on them on a phone call I was planning to make later last week. I managed to duck out of the whole thing the last time I was invited for a motivational talk in a primary school for UPSR candidates due to the fact that I was needed in another affair more important at school at the same time. It was totally true that time, so I had to send my counselor instead. Even when it actually tickled my heart string, wondering if I could do it, to share my experience with all those little ones and help them see life in a different light and the potential that lies within, the way I share it with the pupils at my school every opportunity that calls for it. I would like to believe that I had to send my counselor instead that time out of sheer necessity and an overlapping schedule... but deep down inside, I can't simply deny the cold truth; I chickened out.

I'll do the chicken dance later.

This time though, I realized I can chicken out of invitations for so long. One day, I will have to be brave and confront my demons. Secretly, in between my usual job at work, I wondered if this is the right time to start confronting them. There is always a first time for everything and I am at an age where I should have had enough experience with kids at school to know how to handle them. Especially loud, rowdy and rude crowd of helplessly lost souls that they have intended to be my target audience for the talk they had planned for me that day, just a week away. But as surely as the sun rises every morning, my fears started creeping in, casting a shadow of doubt so thick, I almost felt suffocated, smothered by fear. Fear of the unknown, the dumbest fear there is out there if I ever knew one. So I decided, I will chicken out. I will weasel my way out of it, just the way I did last time. And the times before that.

And you know what happened?

I forgot to make that phone call. I got so caught up on work that I was only reminded of it last Monday when a text message from the other school's counsellor who is also an acquaintance of mine. It was just two days away now, officially too late to weasel my way out of it, because there is no way they are gonna be able to find anyone to replace me just so they can keep on track with the school's motivational / discipline programme, and even though I am an evil bitch, I can't possibly let them down. Not this close to the date. I am not that selfish.

So I went on a self-motivating mode throughout the rest of Monday and the whole of Tuesday, getting myself all psyched about the prospect and possibility of actually getting to these so-called hardcore students at that school, or actually bombing and getting booed into oblivion.

I almost died from the self-induced anxiety and sheer anticipation. Let me remind you, I HAVE A F*CKING D*MNED FIRST DEGREE STAGE FRIGHT time one thousand. And I don't even know what the hell that means. All I know is that I am just gonna go up there and be in the spotlight and just die from the whole experience.

By Tuesday evening, I was already just a huge lump of nerves in my bed whether I really needed to come up with some PowerPoint slideshow. I was all jittery and nervous, biting my nails even though I never was a nail biter. I was THAT nervous. I am not even playin'.

I ended up falling asleep at 2.30 in the morning and not have a slideshow to go with my talk. Great. Just great! Now they are just gonna say you are a sloppy lazy ass dumb b*tch who is gonna preach all morning.

I dragged myself out of bed when the alarm went off. In truth, I had been awake since 5 am and had not been able to get back to sleep since then. Took a shower. I brushed my whole body with the body brush and sloughed off all the dead skin cells all over my body. Only my scalp was spared because I worried if I might lose all my hair later if I do that there.

I put make up on. Got dressed in my new favourite, the kurung I had tailored for last year's Raya which was totally moss green satin with light green/gold lace trims on the wrist, and slipped on my black, pointy-toed three-inch stiletto with blingy heels I got in Alamanda last time I went home to Serdang. I was a vision of lush greenery. Well, at least they know I take good care of myself and not a totally sloppy lazy assed b*tch.

The whole ensemble took care of that. I hope.

And I sprayed on some of my Happy, to make me happy.

After a last look in the full-length mirror, I grabbed my keys and my stuff and left home. After I made a flask of hot coffee+tongkat ali. Ye, aku minum tongkat ali. Every work day mornings. Ko apa pedulik? So far, aku belum jadi jantan lagi. But it had done wonders for my bad back. Alhamdulillah.

At the school, I was sweating bullets. There goes my foundation laden face. Damnit, damnit, damnit. I salvaged whatever was left with a few dabs of tissue paper followed by blotting paper. I was fine.

Went to the venue, I was greeted by that acquaintance of mine. The rest, my friends, as they say, is history.

My history at least.

I was clear, concise, captivating and entertaining.

They began as a rowdy, noisy, rambunctious and rude bunch of hyperactive kids and we ended learning so much from each other, calming down and being more at peace with the world ten minutes before the recess bell went off. Most of them had that look in their eyes that tells you "Gosh, I never knew I had that in me" kind of look. Or I bored them to death.

No. It was a success. And I am tooting my own horn. Shamelessly doing so, mind you. Not because I was so damned good but because I managed to just show up and actually go through with it and getting praises from that acquaintance of mine. After the talk was over, and the kids were gone and the mess was cleaned up, we sat down for a while and talked some more. One of the sweetest compliments I have ever heard in my whole life as a teacher was a simple "No wonder you students love you, Y".

Do they? I wondered whether that was true, because all I had done was share with them the horrors of my life and so that they never have to through them themselves. If they do love me, then that is the bonus. But I didn't let that get to my head, because my head was still abuzz from the excitement of having completed a mammoth task of confronting my demons and finally have a true blue, motivational talk badge under my ten-year old teaching belt. Finally.

If ever I got around to preparing that ever essential presentation tool of PP slide show, it would have been totally wasted because the erratic but energetic volleying of questions and answers between us that followed after the ice-breaking activity, just took everything I had, and it was worth it.

How I knew it was a success? Because the acquaintance is now planning on organizing another talk for her fellow teachers for stress management and how to handle problematic kids and still keep your sunshiny self and sanity intact. And it will be given by me.

I said why? I can't do that. Come on Y, these kids knew about you even before you came here she chided me. Do they? Gosh... I never knew. Well, actually I have suspected that because I heard my name yelled out loud every time I pass by the school right in front of the bus stop, because I always have to slow down when I get there every morning because it is congested by parents dropping their kids off to school. And I roll down the window in the mornings because I love the fresh morning breeze instead of the artificially cooled recycled air of the car. You can ignore it the first few times, you can't keep ignoring after another dozen times.

They came in doubting me, and they left with sweet smiles and polite gestures of thank yous. And they were supposed to be the school's cigarette smelling thugs.

The saddest thing for these kids is the fact that going through puberty has left them all mixed up and forgetting why they were in school in the first place.

I hope I have imparted some kind of insight of their true potential; underneath all those layers of hard exterior, there is still a seedling of hope just wating to be watered with self-awareness and the hunger to be more of who they already are.

Dare I say it?

Have I finally found my true calling?

*GASP!*

And the fact that I found out later at home that I had applied my make up exactly the way the latest trend in Hollywood on E! just made it even better. The cherry on top. Flawless skin, nude shadow for the eyelids, thick and lush lashes with a hint of eyeliner on the roots of the top lash, and glossy barely-there pinkish hued lipstick.

I don't claim to be a master of make up art, but you can't really go wrong with M@C, right?

I was back at school later this morning just in time to have another pseudo-business brunch, discussing stuff with my boss at the school canteen, met with a parent over an absenteeism letter for his son, update SMM data on my desk top, mingle with the office staff, and go to my Form 4Sc class for EST, just in time to edit all of their first draft sof the Natural Disasters essay. Which was promptly followed by a disciplinary board meeting over a case that occured that morning while I was away, and later on, attend the support staff meeting until 4pm.

Who says teaching is a thankless job? It's all worth it.

For those of you who have demons who keep holding you down whenever you are ready to take that flight into the heavens, to spread your wings and soar... learn from me, it's never too late to confront them finally put them to rest.

Haters, go away. Go piss on some other person's blog.

p/s : I got two pens ( one from the school, one from the Baitul Mal guy who missed me when he visited the school that morning for his yearly visits) a school pennant, and RM50 for my efforts today. I love all of them, they make me wanna click my heels, jump on a horse and go Yippee Kay Yay, as I ride off into the sunset.

nenong nenong

2009-02-17T00:27:00.003+08:00

Ini pasal aku malas nak online. Sebab lepas satu, satu aku nak baca and in the end, I realized 5 hours have passed. Relishing each word on my mind's tongue does not have merits when you are internet surfing.

Aku mesti tidur. It will be 1 am soon. Even if I will be on my feet all morning and will not feel sleepy at all being busy with everything that comes with work, tak sepatutnya aku tidur lewat begini kerana pastinya, esok pagi, walaupun terjaga awal, tapi aku akan terus malas nak bangun dari katil untuk mandi dan solat dan bersiap ke sekolah. Tambah dengan lengah-melengah aku ni, lagilah aku akan lewat ke sekolah. Walaupun tahun ni belum lagi... tak maulah start tomorrow, lagipun esok perhimpunan. Banyak benda nak kongsi dengan anak-anak. Alamat lencun la berpeluh cuba meringkaskan ucapan yang tak berapa nak ringkas no matter how hard I try pun

O ye... pagi tadi aku marah budak sebab main-main menyanyikan lagu Negaraku dan mengaminkan doa macam orang gila meroyan, terjerit-jerit. Is that a sign of intelligence? Yang kalau di sekolah-sekolah where the parents are so intelligent, takkan benarkan guru memarahi the culprit? Aku marah mereka kerana they are Malay, Muslims and full-blooded Malaysians yang biadab pada agama dan negara sendiri walaupun masih begitu muda. Kalau bukan kita yang nak menyanjung agama dan negara kita, siapa lagi? Dan mereka tahu aku memang naik tangga tiga tingkat tu dengan kasut tumit tiga inci tu semata-mata nak cari mereka, dah awal-awal berdesup melarikan diri di celah-celah badan kawan-kawan lain yang masih belum bersurai masuk ke kelas masing-masing selepas selesai bacaan Doa Pagi. Tapi dia tak tahu, budak-budak lain semuanya on MY SIDE. Sekelip mata je rakan-rakan sama tingkatnya memberitahu aku siapa empunya diri yang bersikap biadab itu dan secepat itu juga mereka dibawa kembali ke tempat aku berdiri menunggu mereka.

Mulai esok, mereka akan berdiri untuk Negaraku dan Bacaan Doa Pagi di depan pejabatku.

If you were the teacher there that day, apa reaksi anda terhadap perlakuan anak-anak ini? Belum mumayyizkah walaupun dan 14 tahun usiamu? Tidak pernah diajarkah, di rumah mahupun di sekolah? Comelkah, bila diperhatikan kawan-kawan tingkahlakumu? Kau lelaki, patutkah kau berpura-pura comel laksana watak gadis kawaii dalam manga Jepun? Rakyat Brunei kah kau, walaupun usaha menuntut ilmu yang tak seberapa oleh mu itu ditanggung kerajaan Malaysia semenjak kau jejak kaki ke tadika?

Bila kau nak sedar? Bila kau dah lepasan SPM dengan gred 9G semua subjek?

Melayu Islam di Malaysia...

Di mana nilai maruah dirimu?

p/s : kalau ada orang kata aku terlalu emosi dengan perbuatan budak-budak ni, let me say to you to get an 8 inch rubber dildo and go fuck yourself sampai puas. Aku taknak anak bangsa aku kena fuck in the ass oleh lanjiao-lanjiao durjana. Sememangnya aku marah kalau hal fundamental macam amalan kami seisi sekolah setiap pagi pun sukar baginya untuk mengikut. It all starts with the basics.

Kau tunggulah sampai anak-anak kau besar dan dah pandai sepak terajang kau di tikar sembahyang baru kau nak tegur.

pp/s : aku sangat sedih tengok anak melayu kampung ni ramai yang tak menjadi. sekadar gitu-gitu aje. aku tak racist. semua aku sayang, sama je. tapi sangat sedih tengok budak lelaki melayu sibuk menghancurkan diri. yang perempuan miang nak nikah. tak dibenarkan ibu bapa, pergi mengandungkan diri tu, biar dapat green light. buka pekung di dada? at least i am honest in telling you kenapa aku emosi akhir-akhir ni mengenangkan generasi mereka. macam takde harga diri. takde maruah. sesal bila dah 5 tahun lepas habis spm dan masih belum dapat kaya raya macam yang dia sangka, berbekalkan spm 9G. kenapa mesti tunggu dah susah baru nak akui yang cikgu semua ikhlas nak bantu korang masa kat sekolah dulu? kami bohong ke, bila kami kata hidup ni biar berilmu barulah disegani. ilmu pasti membantumu. kenapa susah sangat nak percaya sekarang, bila kau masih ada peluang, ditaja pihak kerajaan lagi? kenapa mesti tunggu bila dah tak ada jalan nak patah balik dan buat cubaan kedua?

ada yang berjaya... keluar jauh terbang melayang... tak nak menabur bakti di kampung sendiri?

ppp/s : smk kat town jemput aku buat ceramah disiplin rabu ni untuk budak masalah disiplin tegar. gila ke apa? i'm not a counsellor.

I'm going to sleep now. You should too, in case you're reading this late at night.

how do you see me?

2009-02-13T23:51:00.000+08:00

"Writers and poets try to understand the truth about woman, but until today they have never understood of her heart. For they look at her through the veil of desire and see only the shape of her body. And they look at her through the magnifying glass of self-love and find in her only weakness and submission.
–Kahlil Gibran."

all that jazz

2009-02-13T01:49:00.000+08:00

I AM
75%
JAZZ Take the Transformers Quiz

kongkek

2009-02-12T20:25:00.004+08:00

I don't understand Malay couples. Some of them. Not all.

Hard to be PC when everything you write is susceptible to being judged, left, right and center.

I don't understand some Malay couples.

They get all crazy wanting to get all over each other on dates to the extent of doing stuff on motorbikes and in cars, when it is haram for them to do all these things. But a few months after it is actually halal to do so and even some crazier things, they stopped doing those things to each other, or even want to on the grounds that 'kita orang Melayu, mana boleh buat cam tu, malulah, orang tengok!'

Hello, for those times you were all over each other, listening and following bisikan syaitan and nafsu tu, tu budaya Melayu ke? For all those times ko berkongkek tak kira tempat tu, budaya Melayu ke?

And of all the Western culture yang korang sibuk nak cedok and tiru tu, why can't you cedok and tiru some of the principles they have in being life-long married couples? The type that still hold hands and keeping the romance alive when it has outlived the youth, beauty and good looks? The type who misses the empty space in beside them in bed and wishing with all their heart that he/she can be back in their arms in the blink of an eye?

Why can't you fall in love with the person? And not simply with the packaging he/she came in?

Ramai sangat yang buat kenduri besar-besaran, 3 hari, 3 malam... tak sampai berapa tahun dah berantakan. Bersyukurlah woi, korang tu dapat gak merasa nikah. Aku ni?

Kidding. I don't mind. I swear.

About the bit where I haven't go the chance to get married. Honestly, seeing what is going on with people and their married lives, I have become quite the pessimist when it comes to relationships and its eventual demise.

But truly, aku menyampah melihat young couples yang seems to be Muslims, tapi tak display any kind of Muslim behavior when it comes to dating... and they do it out in the open. No, I am not exasperated. Just nauseated because I know, most of the same couples will not be all lovey dovey and all over each other anymore once the girl get all pregnant and bloated and stuff. They will walk a few feet ahead of her, let alone hold her hand. Yang the perempuan pulak, pasrah. Bila nak beranak, hantar balik rumah mak ayah dia! Wadefak? Babi punya jantan.

The very things they enjoy when it is haram, loses its thrill when it is halal.

Why?

2 billion

2009-02-12T19:31:00.003+08:00

There is a voyeur in all of us. That's why reading other people's blog is fun. They let us in into their lives and we find comfort in the fact that we are not all that strange because there are people just like us out there.

It's naive to think that our problems are unique to us and happens only to us and that no one understands us.

This is what I want my kids at school to understand. Difference in decades and eras do not make too huge of a difference to me because most of the time, it's just about the chemicals in the brain. Not all the time, most of the time. Special cases will get special attention. Counseling, drugs, whatever...

However, all that clinical stuff aside, honestly, ten years from now, will the same teenage problems still bother you? Do you really think there is no light at the end of the tunnel? Come on, 2 billion people in the whole wide world and this problem of yours only happens to you and nobody else? Seriously...

Snap out of it.

Is this irony? I hated my teenage years. It was traumatic, to say the least (there's the DQ talking) and I wanted so much for it to end as soon as possible. Ten years later, here I am, neck deep in teenage problems, which will probably where I will be for the next two decades or so.

bongok

2009-02-10T22:58:00.005+08:00

Dulu masa aku praktikum kat SMK Undang Luak Jelebu tahun 1999 dulu, tuan rumah aku tu ada kucing, namanya Bongok. Dia comel, tapi entry ni bukan pasal kucing tu...

What the f*ck?!?!

Wadefak wadefak wadefak wadefaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak!

Wadefak....

I love lilytheliverbird's blog and I always read it. I can't anymore. Yet another victim of dear Peot Zedorek, she has since privatised her blog. And I am not the type to beg for entrance because I never said anything on her comment box, tetiba dahkena privatise tu lah nak bertegur sapanya. Sungguh plastik itu. It's her blog, she's got the right to privatise it, regardless of what I think. Siapa yang tak sakit hati kalau ada orang buat macam tu pasal blog kita.

I don't understand her problem with all these blogs. Tak suka, jangan baca. No one invited you for a reading session.

The thing is, these people know exactly what they are doing and the consequences. They write about it because they can. Why can't we just leave them be? Who are we to judge? Confirm ke, kita ngutuk orang ni, kita ada setapak lot untuk buat rumah kat syurga tu? Why do people like Peot Zedorek have to come along and ruin my voyeuristic fetish? Cewah... motif sangat...

Kalau begitulah gaya Rasulullah berdakwah dulu, rasanya ada ke orang nak masuk Islam?

Tapi kan... nak kata dia berdakwah, di jalan Allah, tak juga. Nak kata dia nak bagi nasihat... jauh sekali. Sekadarnya mengutuk orang dan kemampuan menggunakan bahasa penjajah tu kaedahnya. Tapi memang kelakar la, dia punya contoh tu. Kalau aku ada student macam salah seorang mangsa dia tu, suka je aku nak suruh buat essay je manjang, buat bahan bacaan hiburan. But the thing is, yang empunya blog tu pun, kuat semangat la sikit. And think, walaupun ramai yang berada di pihak minah sorang tu, tak semestinya semua your readers are on her side. Cuma kami malas nak terjun into the pig sty and bergelut with the pigs. You will only get dirtier sebab orang macam itu, pandai kutuk orang tapi bila diri sendiri kena kutuk, habis la satu kampung diharuknya...

Alih-alih esok, si LeeUK pulak. Memang dia terlampau. But that is his life. TT-Ad dah kena dah, but at least he had the strength to persevere. Si Kenny Sia pun kena. What the hell? Womanizer ke boyadarater ke, I don't care! Their entries are much more original and livelier than yours! Narcissism galore ke hapa ke, bukan dia mintak hang duit beli DSLR depa, or bayar bill Streamyx.

Damn damn damn damn damn!

Aku berpegang kepada prinsip, kalau tak nak berdakwah, usahla mengutuk. Sebuas mana pun orang, kalau tak membunuh sesama sendiri, what they do is up to them. Mereka pun manusia yang ada hati dan perasaan juga.

Entahlah, I like visiting these blogs as a silent reader. How many more blogs will become her victim pun I don't really know. I guess I better get back to reading real books then, rather than reading real-life stories and enjoying beautiful photos for a while only to be denied entry once I am hooked.

Alih-alih blog aku pulak la jadi mangsa sebab kununnya memperjuangkan hak asasi blogger la kan? Taklah, siapalah aku di dunia blog ni. Dengan pembaca 4 orang yang amat aku sayangi. But the thing is, even if the blog world is a free world la kekdahnya, tak seornoknya lah melintas kat blog yang sebegitu. Oleh yang demikian, I don't go there anymore. Tak sanggup la nengok orang kena kupas and put on display without them knowing until it is too late. Sebab aku tengok semua benda tak boleh buat dalam kamus blogging dia. So, apa yang boleh?

Mengutuk blog orang?

saja...

2009-02-10T22:30:00.001+08:00

Kalau you all nak kata I bengong, kata la.... I reposted my entry entitled the blues sebab bila bukak kat editting page tu, the entry tak appear in its whole entirety. I cut and pasted the whole thing, editted it and also copy and pasted the comments. Sayang la nak delete entry tu sekali dengan those precious comments.

Itu pun nak bagi tau orang kan?

Hiew hiew hiew....

the blues (re-post)

2009-02-10T21:03:00.004+08:00

Originally posted on February 5th, 2009

Editted, because I think even though the blog is not a place to be an English teacher and correcting grammar all the time, it also should not be an excuse to write badly. I was tired that day and didn't really pay attention to the errors as long as I got these off my chest in a flash. Kalau ada salah lagi, lantaklah. Aku letih balik main badminton.

It had been a little bit on the draining side, today. Emotionally.

Maybe it's the time of the month, (in my case that time of the year) or maybe it really was an emotionally draining day. Why do I always let myself get carried away with work? I don't know. I simply love some of the aspects of my job that I feel the need to be very involved with everything that is going on. Sometimes I don't realize what was happening to me, mentally, until I come home and have my 'me' time.

It started out as a normal morning. Lately, I have been a little lazy. Maybe this time, my periods make me feel a little weak and lethargic. They are never the same. Sometimes I have tons of energy, sometimes I get gassy, sometimes I get pre-period diarrhea, sometimes I get the cramps in the most inappropriate places of my anatomy, sometimes it lasted just three days, passing me by like a gentle seabreeze. Sometimes it lasts for 14 days, dripping once or twice a day towards the end; never the same. This time it made me wonder about my capacity to be professional in my job instead of being that DQ I have been trying very hard not to revive in any of the occasions at work.

If anyone bothered, they would know that I do not blame my mistakes and shortcomings to the hormones. Women do have their ups and downs, I do too. I even suspect myself of having a mild bipolar condition for having the highest highs and the lowest lows sometimes. But when it comes to work, I have to take that out of the equation as much as I possibly can, so I will be able to make the most impartial decisions. So they won't blame me for being such a DQ later on. A safety check of sorts.

What happened today was supposed to be not a big deal. It wasn't. But I have been able to avoid the tears for a few years now. But today, I cried at work. Not once, but twice! How embarrassing could I have been???

It started out fine, as I said. I have been a little lazy this year. From the beginning of the year, I won't get out of bed until it is 5.20am. I used to wake up before the alarm goes off at 5.00am. I am losing that energy it seems this year. But I am happy to assure you that I have not been late not even once this year. Come to think of it, even throughout the whole of last year. Wow... I am gonna give myself a pat on the back. I have been a chronic late-comer the year before. Reaching school just before the bell rang. I wake up early, but I always get out of the house later than I should. Last year, I realized that being a role-model, I should be a good one. And there is no excuse for me to be late, because there is no traffic jam anywhere in town, and all I have to do is make sure I leave the house at 6.10am. Having young people in your charge does make a person more responsible, I would like to think, therefore, I have never been late again, not even when I slept through the alarm and woke up at the sound of the garbage truck at 5.45am. I showered and even had light make up on before getting into the car at 5 minutes later than usual.

I ramble a lot when I am free-writing, don't I?

Got to school. Punched in... or scanned my fingerprint. Went to my office. It is always alive with activities because the prefects use my office for the PA system in the morning and the head prefect is usually the first one to get there and she has a key. *Gasp!* Well, she is such an able and trustworthy young adult that I would even trust my life with her. Maybe one day I will put her photo up in here. She deserves a spot.

After the morning Negaraku and the daily Dua, I went to have my breakfast at the school canteen as usual. That is the only time I have in the day before it gets really crazy until it is time to leave. It is also the best time for me to mingle with the other teachers who are also free at that particular time of the morning, because my work later will keep me mostly to myself and to the kids and keep me away from them, making me seem distant and in no need of interactions with my co-workers. Then I went back to the office to do some paper work and marked some books and also updated the students' data systems on the desktop.

Then, I went to class; my wonderful 5 Sastera 2 class, whose faces and cheerful and genuine smiles warm my heart. I know they had been little monkeys the year before but all they needed was discipline and structure. Well, all the kids are nice, obedient and good when they are around me. So I rely heavily on the other teachers to keep me updated on who and what they are really capable of in terms of behavior from simple mischief to downright misdemeanor.

It was a nice grammar lesson. I never push them to do more than they can do only to get mad at them later for not being able to complete the task. I will try to kick it up a notch as we progress though. Then it was recess.

At the end of recess, a group of form 2 boys came to my office bringing with them another boy covered in blood. He had a two-inch long cut on the right eyelid, right below the brow. Blood was all over the left side of his face and some dotted his clean white shirt. That boy, a few days earlier, was brought to school by his dad after he received a letter from the school for his sons' absenteeism. His father had asked me to tell him that his dad is gonna be thrown in jail if he doesn't go to school. I assured him that I will tell his boy that and much more and asked him to leave his son with me. I told him everything (that I think a 14 -year-old should) he should know about life and then some. And threw in the jail thing from his dad. I am glad that although he has a tough-looking face, he is such a trusting little boy.

Today, he had been playing in the classroom with a classmate during recess. The rule is, no one should be in the classroom during recess, so there was definitely no playing in the classroom during that time. But it happened anyway. I don't exactly know what happened. But he told me, while they were playing, he was pushed to the wall, and got the cut. It was so close, I am thankful it did not hurt his eye.

Another girl had asked if she could go home because she had been having a throbbing headache since Tuesday. I scolded her for keeping such things to herself for so long. I told her I will not let her go home. Instead I will take her to the village clinic, and then will let her go home if her condition grants her the day off from the MA. I already had my car key in my hand when they took the boy in. I padded his bleeding brow with some tissue paper and took him along.

At the clinic, we went straight in. The MA, being a girly man, was shocked to see him in that state and whispered to me that he will have to stitch that shut. He told the boy to go rest while he attended to the girl. I accompanied the boy in the treatment room right next door and tried to comfort him a little.

He was not disoriented. More like embarrassed to have all that blood all over him. I assured him that everything was gonna be okay and it is normal to have so much blood when one bleeds from a head injury. He didn't want the tetanus shot, let alone the local anesthetics later on. And the stitching that would ensue.

The MA said he doesn't have to stitch it up if the boy doesn't want it. But I do think he needed the cut to be closed because it was gaping and a little too deep to heal quickly on its own. I tried calming the boy down because he started panicking when he saw the tetanus needle looming close. "Come, hold my hand and look at me. Trust me, it will hurt a little bit, but it won't kill you," I said. He moved from side to side in the bed trying to dodge the needle when it got to his upper arm. The attending nurse was worried that he might struggle when the needle was in and break it. That would be a big mess. I squeezed his hands and made him look at me. And then I told him, "Cikgu pun pernah kena jahit dulu kat kepala ni, janganlah takut sangat..., k?"

It was a lie. But he looked at me and calmed down. Then he squeezed my hand and closed his eyes and let the MA give him the tetanus shot.

"Sakit?"
"Sakit jua', sikit-sikitlah."

Then the MA placed a piece of paper with a hole above his wound. He was going to administer the local anesthetic. That paper alone freaked him out again. Again, I had to embellish my little white lie, "Luka kamu ni kalau tak jahit nanti tak hensem la dah baik nanti. Kepala cikgu ni dulu kan, kena paku masa lari-lari bawah rumah, koyak dekat sejengkal, tau? Masa tu cikgu baru 12 tahun. Kena jahit jua', ok je tau? Kamu kan 'rock'... Orang 'rock' mana boleh macam ni, kan?"

At last he calmed down again, "Inda sakit kah, chegu'?"
"Sakitlah sikit masa ia cucuk kasi bius atu, tapi lepas atu nda sakit lagi bah..."
"Iyakah, chegu?"
"Awu, inda percayakah, cakap chegu'? Chegu' selalu menipu kitak kah di sekulah ah?"
"Inda..."
"Bah pigang tangan chegu' kuat-kuat, rileks sikit bah. Jangan takut, chegu' tunggu sampai ia habis jahit, ah?"
"Banarkah inda sakit chegu?"
"Sakit, tapi sikit jak... Inda pulang mati. Tapi kalau inda dijahit, nanti lambat baik, inda hensem lagi pulang tu! Mau kitak kah?"
"Bah..."

The MA covered his right eye with the paper again and I saw how the needle went in and out just like you cucuk daun pisang bungkus lepat tu dengan lidi tajam.... and how the liquid squirted out of the open holes made by the needle. I know it will heal, but it freaked me out, man! I am not the squeamish type, but it's one thing watching a graphic demo of a surgical operation where the doctor seems like melapah daging korban on TV, but watching it happening right in front of your eyes is a totally different thing. Then we waited a few minutes for the LA to work and then came the stitching. Again, he had second thoughts.

"Inda sakit bah, inda berasa lagi tuk..."
"Banar?"
"Banar... "

He held both my hands in both of his and we started talking about why exactly he didn't go to school those times. I watched the MA cucuk his wound with a huge ass needle and I listened to him telling me about going out to sea with his dad to fish and getting money for it. I asked him what he did with the money, he said he saved it. How much do you have now? Hundreds? Nah... Tapi berpuluh jua'lah.... Not bad. (Dalam hati, aku nak menangis, sebab I realized how gigih and cermat he is) But I don't want you to be just a fisherman when you grow up. You should do something more, something better. I'm sure your mom and dad want you to have more than they did in life, so you have to work hard for it. I know, but it's hard, chegu'. I know, dear, but no one ever said anything about life being easy.

All the while, aku sendiri nak pengsan tengok jarum jahitan tu kuar masuk daging kening budak tu. Lutut aku rasa lembik sikit. Tapi him trusting me gave me strength as much as me being there made him brave.

For some reason, at that moment, I tought about wanting my own kids. To have little hands to hold and be brave for and give strength to. A bad time to think about having kids. One should not gauge one's ability to raise children simply based on a day at the clinic with someone else's child.

He had six stitches.

Then the MA gave him some paracetamol as painkillers and antibiotics. Then I took him back to school to get his stuff, because now I have to take him home and personally meet with his parents and explain things to them. I told him to get his stuff from class and be back at my office in 5 minutes.

But in my office, the girl from hell was there with her dad. I'm sorry. I don't mean to label her that way, but compared to the students in my school, she is a full-blown ... I don't want to say the word. But you can guess. She moved to Miri when she was in form 1. Now she is in form 3 and had mixed with the wrong crowd in the city school and now her parents could only see us as the last resort before admitting her to a correctional school which calls for a court order. And another parent was also there, wanting to inform me that his son got the 'kudis buta' again and had been to the hospital for treatment and won't be able to come to school until the abcess that had been impairing his ability to walk, heals. I talked with him for a while and assured him that I will inform the class teacher about it and he can take as much time he needs to get better and was ready to move on to seeing the girl's dad when a student came running to my office and panting, told me that CLI was having fainting spells at the lab. I excused myself and ran to the lab. I saw CLI walking slowly towards me and I went and supported her and took her to my car. The boy was already there and I told a girl who was following me to get my handbag and car key from my office. I sent her home. CLI called in sick the day before. Why did she have to come to work if she didn't feel okay? She's probably like me, feel guilty as I rest every time I call in sick. I dropped her off at her place which was only a moment's drive from school and went straight to the boy's kampung with the boy in tow which was located about 10 minutes from school.

We got there, I parked my car at the lot and we took the boat across the estuary to his house. I met with his parents who were home at the time and explained what happened to them and apologized for the incident. They were very nice, gracious people. And they know me. They all know me, I hope so they know the people at the school are really doing our best, despite the fact.

"Apa dibuatnya chegu'?"
"Kanak-kanak ani' di sekulah, beribun bah. Berlabih pulang."
"Sangka ku ia bergaduh chegu'. Kalau bergaduh, kan ku tambah lagi..."
"Inda bah. Banar, beribun jak tapi lepas atu, berlabih. Anak kampung ani jua lawannya, tapi biar ku jumpa ia di sekulah dulu. Jangan tah kitak marahi ia lagi."

Aku suka la cakap macam orang Brunei. Walaupun tak sama... at least I am trying la kan...? Uhuhu...

I only had a few minutes to chat, because the other parent was still waiting for me in my office.

Still, on the way out another parent came by and enquired about scholarship and hostel allocations. Always tough issues to explain and the boat couldn't have come sooner. I did the best explaining to them and excused myself because I really had to rush back.

I climbed down the ladder into the boat and as we were going back to the other side, the boat guy asked me about school finances. I told him it is best that he talk to the principal about the matter because what I know is insufficient to answer his questions.

Back at school, I spent about half an hour with that parent. I could see it in his face, and in his body language that he is a gentle-hearted father who is at the end of his ropes. That was when he told me that he was thinking about moving her to a correctional school but that would require a court order. I realized what a daunting task lie ahead of me if I decide to take on the challenge. I do not want to make the same mistake I did with H@fifi. I regret it to this day. So I said what I could, in place of the principal who was away in Sibu for a meeting with the Director, and my PK1, who was away in Limbang for another meeting in place of the principal. I said, it is a big job, and I won't promise you anything because as a teacher, I know I am not a miracle worker, because change will only happen when one is ready to do so, and not because of what I do and say to her. Her father just nodded and assured me that he understood and accepted that fact.

But since she had broken the hostel rules, she will not be permitted back into the hostel, unless she shows some kind of improvement in attitude in the next couple of months. I can't take her back as much as her dad needs me to because that decision will kill my wardens. She has proven herself to be a handful from day one. Besides, we had been reserving places for more deserving people and there is still a long qeueu.

With her father there, I talked a little bit to her, but when she played with a strand of fallen hair, I took it out of her hand and asked her to look at me. She refused, so I took her hand in mine and refused to let go as she tried jerking it away. I finally let go when she started crying and looking at me with such hatred and anger. She stood up and stormed out of my office, slammed her fist on the open door. Her father apologized for her behavior. But I told him, it's okay. One of my older brother was exactly like her.

He is planning to move back to Lawas in April so he thought moving her to this school would be a fresh start for her. I am sad to say that she had not been the easiest person to deal with these past month. But he's been expecting that, I guess, because he agreed with me totally. His demeanor was total trust. I could see him close to giving up on her. But I know he won't, because parents, no matter how close they feel to the edge, never takes that jump when it comes to their children.

After her left, I went to the school library, right next to my office. After they left, I suddenly felt something dark and heavy looming over my whole being. I needed a distraction. I started talking to Hsnh, who is the library teacher and she was there rearranging some magazines. But out of the blue, I started sobbing. Right in the middle of a sentence! It was so silly of me and embarrassing too. No one had seen me cry for years and I broke that record today.

Madie came looking for me as I was trying to regain control of my sobs. Earlier in the morning, he had asked me to sign some documents in place of the principal and the PK1. I returned to my office and found the thick documents all neatly clipped together on the pile of papers I had left when the boys came running to see me with the bleeding boy. He stood by my desk, fixing my rubber stamp, reinking the self-inking pad and making trial stamps on a discarded phone bill envelope to make sure there was not too much ink on the pad that would blotch up the documents, (or he'll have to re-do them) while I cried huge tears and sobbing non-stop. Great big sobs as I signed pages and pages of documents, trying hard to make out what I was signing in between the tears. Was I glad I had that plastic coating mascara on, or it I would have looked like a harlequin with wet mascara trickling down my cheeks.

Tried stopping. I did stop. But I started crying again and again each time I stopped. He probably could see my embarrassment, so he excused himself promising to come back in a little while to get the papers. Then Mrln stopped by and saw my red nose and puffy eyes. I had already stopped sufficiently to dry my cheeks and tried breathing in between residual sobs.

I was a mess. But it felt like a release of some sort. But it was strange because I was not feeling stressed out at all. Mrln was waiting to go to her class upstairs so she stayed a while and we talked for a little while. I was calm again when it was time for my last class of the day before school was over.

When class was over, it was time for a meeting with the Lemb@g@ Hit@m Berbulu Leb@t. Eh, no, silap. Lemb@g@ Disiplin. I called the meeting over the PA system. We all gathered in the PS. Everyone talked and had their say. Then as I was in the middle on my say, it happened again.

Great huge, heaving sobs that choked me. Attractive... very attractive.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!!!

I know I freaked them out seeing me like that. But it just overwhelmed me to see how committed to their jobs in the committee this year.

I can't help feeling so very grateful after having been left to fend for myself last year after the fiasco with the Kelantanese lunatic bitch. Yes, I have been burned by her big time, I had to say that she is from Kelantan. I am sure the rest of the Kelantan people are very normal, law abiding and great contributors to the society. She just happens to be all that, just a little on the lunatic side. And she hides it well, because I am the only one who knows about that side of her. Anyway, she won, simply because I am the barbaric fat bitch, and she is the little ustazah. Who would you save when the boat is sinking?

I am just glad that things are looking up this year. And it was probably my hormones wreaking havoc in my system. It took me a few seconds to compose myself. The meeting lasted a few more minutes before we adjourned.

I needed to get home. Mrln and Lnd already left with Hnr earlier. The counsellor asked if she could hitch a ride with me home. So with her in tow, I sped off back to town, overtaking all the other teachers who left before I did. Dropped her off at her place and went to the clinic to get some calamine lotion because I have been having some itchy red spots on my thighs and I have no idea where they come from.

Came home, showered and slapped on the lotion all over my legs and fell asleep as it was drying.

I am gonna have some problem sleeping tonight, because I slept for two and a half hours straight. It was awesome!

I'm sure what happened to me today happens to everyone in this field. But this is my personal experience. I want to be reminded of these moments when I lose focus of why I love this job so much and feel useless during my low lows. I hope nothing I write in here will get me into trouble with anyone. If you feel that I might, please tell me.

Long and winding, I know. But I never said, Please Read, did I? But thanks for reading anyway. Me luve you long taim....!!!

:-)

...

2009-02-10T20:43:00.001+08:00

Sometimes the littlest things makes me just want to end it all.

I'm sorry for being such a loser.

I'm sorry for being me.

b@h

2009-02-07T19:06:00.003+08:00

Have you heard it on the news?

Lawas was flooded. It was the worst in 38 years.

I almost drove into the flood water on the way to school, in the dark. I had my headlights on, so I didn't really go all the way into it, at the roundabout. I managed to brake in time and was glad that there was no car behind me because I didn't even look into the rearview mirror as I was applying the brakes.

In the semi dark, we could see that the water was up to the roundabout, on the plot where the tamu is. Some people had already set up shop for Saturday. So the stalls were then standing in 2 feet of water. I turned the car around and went looking for another exit route. The road in front of the post office was flooded as well. I thought we weren't gonna be able to get to work that morning because I couldn't think of another way out of the town.

I called Hlz to tell her that I can't find a way out and she told me not to worry about getting to school because it looks like it is a huge disaster all over town that morning. She's stuck trying to get out too because cars were lined up not being able to move because the roads were waterlogged. I called another girl whom I know was already on the way to school and asked if they can get out of town. Just as I was telling her that we might not be able to go to school that morning, I thought about the route she takes every morning and realized we can get to school that morning indeed.

I went into Banting around the badminton arena and went on to the newly paved road they blew into the hill which was completed not more than a few months before and we were on our way.

As we came closer to the junction that leads to our school, we could see that Siang-Siang was very badly flooded. It had been flooded many times before but not this bad. The houses that were built on high stilts were standing in water 7-feet deep. Obviously the all-night heavy rain that fell the night before had also fallen there and also in Trusan, a fact we found out later.

The road to school had remained free from any submersion. We got to school in a breeze like any other day. After the usual stuff I did every morning, I heard some kind of commotion outside my door. It was Hlz telling people that the water is rising at one of the lowest point in the road to school and it does not look good, and we might have to close up shop earlier than usual that day. Not to cause panic, we instructed the kids to go for recess first. The electricity was out, pobably due to the floods in town so there was no use of the PA system. We had to go from class to class. The kids already knew they were going to be let off early that morning so they went and asked me and I told them I will tell them later if that is the school's decision in the next few minutes.

We let them off at 9am that morning. And the teachers left after the kids were all gone. On the way out of the village, we came to the low point in the road. There were a few, but that was the lowest one and it was a few meters long. I was nervous, so I let a pick up truck go ahead of me so I can drive safely in its wake. Even then, I lost the front number plates in the water.

Back in town, we went and parked in front of the wisma and went walking here and there to see the full extent of the flood.

The airport was in three to five feet of water. The road going to KK was submerged, no car could pass through so the road to Mer@pok was cut off. Teachers teaching there didn't get to go to work at all that morning. The houses around the airport was in up to four feet of water. I could see some tops of cars in the water.

At the other end, the river had increased at least six times its size and it had overrun its banks, covering the whole town up to the hospital, the supermarket, the post office, the roundabout close to our place and also the tamu.

This morning we went to Sipit@ng to fill up on gas. The gas station in town won't be open for a while. We saw how bad the floods was in Mer@pok and the villages along the road. The sun was shining brightly, so the farmers were out sunning their rice. Thank God, at least they could do that. The rest of the unharvested rice were probably damaged in the flood. There was still stagnant water all over the place, but the road was not submerged anymore as it probably was the night before judging from the mud stains left behind.

In Sipit@ng, even the sea was brown with the sediments that flowed into it with all the rain water.

Back in L@w@s, there was two to three feet of mud everywhere. We stopped by at the airport for a few minutes and could see the clean up job. The guy in charge informed us that the airport will be open again tomorrow. We were planning to go to the supermarket to get a wedding present for a co-worker whose wedding would happen tomorrow. But none of these supermarkets were open, because they were busy logging the damaged goods.

The King tides starts today. I hope it doesn't rain anymore. We don't need the flood to last any longer than it should take its course.

On the more disgusting note, my thighs and hands are covered in red itchy spots. I don't think it is the kalig@te that I always get when I was little. The spots were small and they don't have water in them. I don't know what they are and what caused them. I got it on Tuesday, thought it will go away. But the spots have been bothering me till today so I went to the clinic and got myself some med. I have taken the meds now the ones on my thighs looks like many many overlapping red itchy bumps and the ones on my hands are multiplying and covering the whole of the palms of both hands. They gross me out.

Please go away. I am tired of scratching and scratching is so not sexy.

brow wow!

2009-02-04T21:26:00.002+08:00

First, I know I don't have the best brows on the planet.

Second, at least I know when to stop tweezing.

Third, I wonder what happened to these girls.

Fourth, why don't their family and friends slap em silly and make them see the light?

See for yourselves here :

http://famouslikeme.blogspot.com/2008/12/for-your-viewing-pleasure.html

the s*xuals

2009-02-03T21:55:00.003+08:00

I hate my school days.

No one was familiar with the term 'late bloomer'. Because most of them were busy being the gedik girls. I loved the more intelligent ones who saw life far beyond snotty nosed secondary school aged boys.

I was labeled a lesbian.

I admit I was not the most nice looking and pleasant teenager in those days, but I was never a lesbian.

I might be a bisexual though.

Take that! How's that for being controversial?

Seriously, my sexual orientation is none of anyone's beeswax. I'm just glad I survived school and get to spend some of the most wonderful years of my life at uni and being surrounded by people who made me understand that it is okay to be different and do things in your own time.

Aku mengantuk. Mata aku bengkak. Tadi aku baca entry CS, aku teringat kat ayah aku. That made me cry buckets.

I have regrets. Huge regrets regarding my father.

But it's just too late now, right?